"This Radiohead album is as good as a dead baby." WHAT

Pitchfork reviewers all seem to think they’re Oscar Wilde when they’re really Oscar The Grouch.

"this album is horrifying" and "this isn't even music" can be twisted into compliments on no wave/avant garde

The irony of the Lateralus review is that a tool reviews the Tool)

'Self-Righteous Snare Drums' is my new band name

I read the Kid A review to my brother in law who's a die-hard Radiohead fan, and halfway through he made me stop because it was making him hate Radiohead.

The Brent guy was hipster before Hipsters became more infamous. God were those NIN, Mars Volta, and Tool reviews horrible.

That Kid A sounds like some weird ass self-insert fanfic a K-Pop fan would write.

How to know a record is good: Pitchfork gave it a 6.8 How to know a record is very good: Pitchfork gave it a 2 That's not even a joke, this system hasn't failed me once.

You know, one of the negative stereotypes about critics is that they're failed artists that couldn't make it in the industry. And going through this list with all of the mangled metaphors, overdramatic reactions, and completely clueless hot takes, it genuinely feels like most if not all of these guys are only writing reviews because no one will touch anything else they make.

My face when I read the Zaireeka review: 0.0

Reading that Bleed American review makes me want to set Ryan Schreiber on fire. "'Hear You Me' is the song you'll cry yourself to sleep to when you get a B+ on your science paper." ...for a song about Mykel and Carli dying in a car crash. Like, WTF????

Wow, Pitchfork is snobby as all hell.

The Lateralus review is an absolute mindfuck, it’s almost unreadable.

As much as I hate Pitchfork for some of its reviews, I'm happy it exists honestly.

To the guy who gave lateralus a 1.9, see you down in Arizona bay .

Jesus christ, i was looking through Stone Temple Pilots discography and i saw that pitchfork give Tiny Music their 3rd studio album... 0.8, i repeat *0.8* crash, seriously we need a part 2 out of this video

Imagine listening to “State of the Union” and thinking “Yeah Rise Against sold out and are corporate slaves now.” Lmao

3 words: Deftones. Self. Titled. That album deserved more than a 4.7...

This guy doesn’t know flavor even if you smacked him with colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. And viralrak has made the best clapback of 2019.

I nearly died of laughter at the Radiohead Kid A review.

2019: dummy thicc 2020: thiccy dumdum

19:21 ooh... 1000 words on how a snare drum can be self-righteous? This'll be a tough assignment. **cracks knuckles** But I'll do it anyway. **deep breath** Alright. So the definition of "self-righteous" is essentially being really sure of one's own superiority (or righteousness, if you will), specifically in terms of believing you're right about something or trying to deliver a message; but the term is mainly used in a negative context, meant to disparage a person whose sanctimoniousness isn't exactly warranted, either because of hypocrisy or bad morals or just being really annoying. So for a snare drum, of all things, to be self-righteous, it would have to fit this definition in some way. Now obviously snare drums aren't exactly sentient: they can't talk or communicate, let alone think or present messages, because they are simply objects manufactured by humans designed to make sounds through manipulation by outside forces, not of their own accord. Therefore, these objects don't exactly have the capacity to be self-righteous in and of themselves, because they can't do anything in and of themselves except exist. However, snare drums still reflect the people who manipulate them: people hit these drums to make sounds, and someone also had to manufacture them in the first place, and, most importantly, people can change how they sound, from simple adjustments like turning the snare on and off to more involved ones like tuning to straight-up existential quandaries of tone like choosing which snares or drum heads or, hell, choosing which _drum_ to use. And here lies the key: a snare drum in and of itself cannot act self-righteous, but its place and tone and design, specifically its place in a musical recording, can reflect a sort of self-righteousness in the musicians performing it. Specifically, a snare drum's sound can be presented in such a way that it exhibits an unwarranted confidence in its subpar traits on the part of the people creating the music it is presented in. There is still one hurdle, however: the sound of a snare drum doesn't exactly present a specific message, at least by itself. And the music around a snare drum having some sort of heavy-handed message doesn't necessarily make the snare drums self-righteous too (remember: we're calling the snares self-righteous, not the music as a whole). And snare drums aren't the most expressive instruments out there. However, just as before, they can be used to make a point: the most obvious example I can think of is the song "Machine Gun" by Jimi Hendrix's Band of Gypsies, from their self-titled live album, which uses snare drum hits to mimic the sound of, well, a machine gun. So! For a snare drum to be self-righteous, I posit that it would have to follow two criteria. First, it would have to give off the impression that the people who made the recording in question _really_ liked some aspect of that snare -- whether it was the tone or the rhythm it was playing or something else about its place in the recording -- and _really_ wanted you to know it: the main way I can think of someone doing this would be to place it very far in front of the mix, but there are probably other methods as well. More specifically, those snare drum-related decisions should be in service to some sort of theme or message: heavy-handedness in that regard would certainly bolster the case for a drum to have that label, but isn't necessarily required. Second off, that idea would have to be entirely undeserving of that reverence: perhaps that snare drum sound they loved was actually pretty terrible, or the way it was played was off, or maybe it was perfectly fine aside from the fact that it was placed _way_ too far in the front of the mix. Either way, a snare drum (in my opinion) has to be both heavily prominent or important or generally loved in some way while simultaneously being mediocre, underwhelming, or just downright bad. There is one example that most easily comes to mind when I think of snares that fit this criteria, and that's the infamous snare drum in Metallica's similarly infamous nadir, _St. Anger._ They fit both of my criteria pretty well! One the one hand, they represent a clear, deeply-held idea on the part of Lars Ulrich and company: a detuned drum with its snares off featured rather prominently in each and every track, placed in such a way that the listener can't really miss it. On the other hand, that snare drum sounds terrible! It's not even that the snares are off: lots of bands make perfectly fine music with their snares turned off (Sacred Paws is one example: their drummer turns the snares off their snare drum and it sounds fine!). It's not even that it's pretty far up the mix. The problem is that the tone is _trash:_ not only is it devoid of the snap snare drums are known for, but the sound is _extremely_ ringy in a manner that's just as prominent as the drum itself, exhibiting the sort of resonant yet discordant tones you only hear on a snare drum that just isn't tuned properly. It is as Todd in the Shadows said, a bad idea the band held onto like a life raft. Of course, one may rebut this example with the fact that there isn't really an obvious message the snares exist for. And to a point, they are correct: not much in the specific lyrical themes of that album (dealing with personal demons like anger issues and substance abuse) seems to be reflected in these un-tuned snare drums. But those drums do exhibit an attempt at edginess and rawness that, theoretically at least, does fit the (rather heavy-handed and clumsy) themes of this album, themes as important to lyricist James Hetfield's vision as the snare drums' sound was to Ulrich's. Unfortunately, the presentation of those themes felt more like unappealing, off-putting and interminable garbage than the raw, interesting songwriting they were going for. One may rebut, after reading this long spiel, that a self-righteous snare drum doesn't seem much different from a pretentious one: after all, both are defined by treating a set of chosen traits for a snare drum with much more grandiosity than is deserved. I would respond (oh god I'm seriously explaining the differences between pretentious and self-righteous snare drums) by stating that self-righteousness has the added quality of some moral or political judgement, as opposed to just being some theme you don't get. It's the sense of superiority in the music around a snare drum that really sets it apart. _St. Anger_ doesn't necessarily represent this last quality, but then again, does the distinction I talked about in this paragraph even need to be there in the first place? Pretentiousness is pretty self-righteous in and of itself. **exhales** Not sure what any of that has to do with Minor Threat or Rise Against, of all bands, but here you go!

The "self-righteous" snare drum triggered me.

The guy who gave lateralus a 1.9 needs to be punched

I remember reading the St. Anger review (another Brent DiCrescenzo classic) recently, which was quite scathing toward the album. But you had to go through 75% of the article through a story about CD manufacturers in Israel in a (post-apocalyptic?) world apparently ruled by Metallica in opposition to Napster or whatever to actually get to the review. The article ends with the CD makers leaking the album onto the internet.

Pitchfork has a rich history of being wrong on a professional level. You could even say it's their reason to exist

That Audioslave review is just straight up offensive.

Crash Tompson says LESBIAN RIGHTS

Yo crash, lookin good my man. The workouts are payin off homeboy.

The Greta Van Fleet review is one of their best it’s fucking hilarious

"Prog Rock" "No Melodies" The writer was aware that it isn't just atonal noodling, right? Like, what did he think it was, nothing but Moonchild rip offs?

Sweet mother of Christ, that Tool review... For a review whose overall thrust seemed to be 'The album is too long and complicated', he put it in the most obtuse, overwrought, pretentious, long and complicated way possible. HOW COULD ANYONE THINK PUBLISHING THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! On a side note, Lateralus is awesome, I am sad I didn't discover it earlier in life, and if you haven't heard it go and buy it.

But Crash, don't you "get" it? Reading a long winded and meandering review is totally a comparable experience to listening to a long winded and meandering album. I mean sure.... *maybe* we just happen to be talking about one of the best prog rock albums of the 2000s, but come on. The record is 79 minutes! That's almost the length of a feature film! And not only that, but you actually have to pay attention the whole time if you want to keep up? I mean, surely the fans don't really enjoy it. It's all just a show to make them look more intellectual than they actually are. I will never be able to understand or relate to such behaviour. The world must be subjected to a deliberately miserable experience, so that they can understand the existential pain of listening to a bona fide classic prog rock album for an hour and change. I guess I'm just too sophisticated for such lowbrow drivel.... here's a video of a chimp drinking his own urine.

If DiCrescenzo hated long albums in the early-00s, thank the universe he wasn't writing music reviews when 70s prog was around...

If Pitchfork covered video games, they'd be the idiots trashing Pokemon games for having turn-based combat.

Pitchfork isn't really like this anymore, they rarely go below 6, but yeah they suck and good thing that fantano replaced them

Albums that Pitchfork rated lower than Taylor Swift's Red (9.0): Songs For The Deaf by Queens Of The Stone Age: 7.9 Demon Days by Gorillaz: 6.9 Iron Maiden by Iron Maiden: 7.0 Relationship Of Command by At The Drive-In: 6.8 / 8.3 Elephant by The White Stripes: 6.9 Congratulations ny MGMT: 6.8 Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips: 8.4 Forever Changes by Love: 8.6 The Money Store by Death Grips: 8.7 Twin Fantasy by Car Seat Headrest: 8.6 Filth by Swans: 8.1 A Promise by Xiu Xiu: 8.6 Spirit They're Gone, Spirit They've Vanished by Avery Tare and Panda Bear: 8.9 De-Loused In The Comatorium by The Mars Volta: 4.9 Lateralus by Tool: 1.9

pitchfork is music snobbery for boomers. so far out of the loop now that they can’t even do indie right. i see them being bought out in the next 5 years

I love the Onion article about the pitchfork reviewer rating music as a whole as 6.8

One year, on my birthday, I walked into Dairy Queen, grabbed an ice cream cake, and had the woman at the counter write "I had never even seen a shooting star before" on it I also remember being on Tumblr when Centipede Hz by Animal Collective came out and the Pitchfork review of that became a minor meme, with its bizarre analogy that it was like "a burrito splattered against your windshield"

i think the worst p4k review i've seen was their John Coltrane Live At The Village Vanguard review where Ryan Schreiber wrote the whole thing in appropriated black slang

I feel stupid for not knowing about Pitchfork's bad reputation until now. These reviews that you and the guests roasted were awful! I can't believe that those idiots are going to start charging us money for their pretentiousness. 🤦‍♂️

I love the fact that you drew a cute face on your bat.

"In this house we respect our sweetie lesbian senpais" preach

19:03.....hmm. Webster dictionary defines self righteous as “defined as having a characteristic or certainty, particularly an unfounded one, that is correct or morally superior.” Looking at the surface level, it would seem as though snare drums cannot be self righteous. The common layman would say “snare drums are not self aware. They can’t be self righteous.” And if we are taking this in a literal sense I suppose that is correct. However if we look at this from a more mature and philosophical point of view, we can see how this writer got to the conclusion that the snare drum was self righteous. Snare drums could be considered an arrogant member of the drum setup. It is one of the most commonly used elements of the kit, arguably the most overused. Who’s to say that a snare drum is any more important than a tom or a cymbal? Who’s the judge who decided that the snare drum is one of the most essential elements of the kit? Now while arrogance is not self righteousness, it is a gate way into it. Especially when taken into account that Rise Against (as is typical in most punk) uses many a snare fill within their songs. Why not use some tom fills or a double bass section? Using all these snare fills obviously fed the already established ego of this overused drum. With its ego fed, the snare drum would then have an unfounded certainty that it is morally superior to other members of the kit, which would make it self righteous. In conclusion, a snare drum is not in itself self righteous, but the overuse of it is. I really hope everyone who reads this knows I’m joking.

The fact that Liz Phair's self-titled has a lower rating than Funstyle will never fail to amuse me

I'm gonna start a band called "Foul Mouthed Sheminism."

Am I the only one thinking of James of Team Rocket every time Crash speaks from the critic’s point of view?

I verbally let out a "NO" as soon as I heard Parabola start playing. That dude was on all the drugs while making that review

i swear the start of that kid a review sounds like fanfiction

With reviews like these, it's enough for angry mobs to brandish their own pitchforks.

I had a mini mental breakdown when he read that stillborn baby part. I just sat there saying, "What the fuck?" over and over again.

That Tegan and Sara bit got me to drop kick the subscribe button Also, we let Jet become a thing because not enough people had heard Iggy Pop's Lust for Life to realize they were hacks upon their break out single.

That nail bat is my new favorite character

Crash: I’m desperately trying to get away from making long videos Also Crash: * uploads list video with 20 honorable mentions *

"Avengers Endgame is one the most ambitious crossovers." Crash- "Hold my drink D.va"

A self righteous snare drum = St. Anger

Now you may be asking yourself, "Hey James Mac did you click on this video hoping to see Picthfork's hilariously awful takes on The Mars Volta represented?". Why yes, random viewer, yes I did.

I'd never heard of Pitchfork before I saw this video. I laughed my ass off so hard when hearing this nonsense. The paywall is a good idea. Then no one would have to read it.

Crash…as a fan, I gotta say…I had never even seen a shooting star before. 20 years of rotations, passes through comets’ paths, and travel, and to my memory I had never witnessed burning debris scratch across the night sky. Crash was in front of his album backdrop, passionately joking as if he was trying to coax a laugh out of a big nose. D.va sat in the corner, patiently waiting for her cameo. White noise of the background flickered over the adobe audition track. The metal tripod that holds the DSLR sat beautifully in Crash’s living room. And I stared entranced, soaking in Crash Thompson's new material, chiseling each sound into the best functioning parts of my brain which would be the only sound system for the material for months. Anyway great video can’t wait for the next.

Brent DiCrescenzo actually did reference Emo in his review of The Get Up Kids’ Red Letter Day EP a few months before Something to Write Home About. He didn’t have anything nice to say about it though! In fact, judging from the other Get Up Kids reviews on Pitchfork, it seems like he AND Schreiber were trying their best to bat down the whole Emo/Pop-Punk scene before it really took off (see also: Pitchfork’s reviews of Jimmy Eat World’s albums).

This video was very entertaining and now it's 4 am and I don't know when that happened.

Oh no the girly girl said the f##k word is what I would name my all girl punk EP.

The Childish Gambino review was written by Ian Cohen, the main Midwestern-Emo guy on Pitchfork, who actually defends the genre pretty well and tries to get BNM for a lot of albums.... That being said why was the midwestern-emo guy assigned the CAMP mixtape...

Their review of Year of the Snitch by Death Grips is really annoying too, they castigate them for not being “political enough” despite the fact that Death Grips has pretty much never been political

thankfully, DiCrescenzo has no career in music nowadays. he now works for a television network I've never heard of called MeTV (Memorable Entertainment Television)

The Fragile review is so bad it hurts. Take it away from me please 😢😭

I got: Kids See Ghosts 7.6 Like Clockwork 7.3 Lateralus 1.9 Joy As An Act of Resistance 6.8 Discovery 6.4 The Fragile 2.0

I’ve never experienced the “buying a trivium in a record store and getting a weird look by the hipster dude working there” but I know actually what kind of guy you were talking about with that analogy lol

That part of pitchfork being thin skinned really made me wonder what their review of Veteran by Jpegmafia is since he has lyric that reads, “pitchfork told me not to be abusive ‘less I’m moving units.”

Looked up what Brent's doing now. Last review was in 2004 of Beastie Boys' To the 5 Boroughs. He now manages a tv show that re-airs old shows from the 70's lol.

Dissing Tool ? Who are you to wave your finger, you must have been out of your head !

Oh my god that Andrew W.K. review. "THIS ISN'T ART POP, THIS ISN'T EXPERIMENTAL INDIE WITH OBSCURE NATIVE-AFRICAN INSTRUMENTS, WHAT HAS THE MUSIC SCENE EVEN COME TO??? I CAN'T STAND TO LIVE IN A WORLD WITHOUT TRUE MUSIC, SO LIKE MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF ALL TIME RUSH 2112 I SHALL KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH WHAT I DESIRE MOST AAAAAAAAA"

I have one rule for number ratings: The only time it's ok to give an album a 0 is if you go to listen to it, and it disappears immediately before hitting play.

To be fair something to write home about is a terrible pop album... Fantastic emo album though, one of the best!!!!

Any thoughts on them giving Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness a 6.8?

When I read the Pitchfork reviews of Rise Against, The Mars Volta, Nine Inch Nails, and Tool, I strongly disagreed with those reviews.

I think the guy who reviewed Lateralus was bullied by a prog fan in school.

Pitchfork is like Gaming in the Clinton Years for music.

The fact that Pitchfork changed their rating with the reedition/deluxe versions of these albums is very interesting. Sometimes music doesn't reveal itself instantly. Refused got torn up by the press and the public but The Shape Of Punk To Come is now considered to be one of the greatest punk hardcore albums of all time. Same for Weezer and Pinkerton. Isn't it a bit meta when music reviewers are reviewing music reviews though ? I'm starting get lost in my own head.

I love the Andrew W.K. new review when Cohen actually says "that review was bad" with beauty words jajaja

Their 3.7 review of Oasis' The Masterplan is atrocious.

I find it hard to believe someone sat and listened to Andrew WK's 'I Get Wet' and turned their nose up at it, rather than the mandatory reaction of destroying absolutely everything within one's vicinity.

I nearly had a fucking asthma attack from laughing at the sweetie lesbian sempai part. I appriciate the bat raise either way

You look like a guy I know named Chris. Also, "Thom Yorke's Cuisinarted voice strugges for its tongue." needs to be on a t-shirt or something.

Pitchfork is like TheNeedleDrop if Anthony was a character in a Grand Theft Auto game. Just an absolute parody of what independent music journalism should be, with any or all of the arrogance, contempt and pretentiousness turned up to 11 for comedic effect. (I'm referring to pitchfork with this obvs, no disrespect on the melon.) Surprised you missed one of the most infamous pitchfork fuck ups in recent history, where they proved once more just how arbitrary and biased their scores are when they fucked over Mark Kozelek and the ABSOLUTE MODERN CLASSIC that is the Sun Kil Moon album Benji. Total piss take of a website, and with this paywall business moving forward it looks like they're going to be going down the same path as Tumblr, with a desperate sprint to higher revenue, only to tumble blindly off a cliff of poor decision making.

People who base their opinions off of pitchfork reviews definitely will cheat on you and make you feel like you’re the bad guy.

a recent bad pitchfork review would be NF "The Search" they gave it a low score(somewhere between 2-4) solely because the album was "too dark for him" and this is an actual line from the review "how am I supposed to review something that often reads like a suicide note"

It is almost like Pitchfork peed on my fucking rug

That Kid A review is comedy gold

I'm excited for pitchfork's review for the new tool album.

That Kid A review sounds like a YA novel where the main lead falls in love with every member of Radiohead.

Pitchfork feel like the worst example of those "Sell Out!!" screamers from the 90's. The second a band or artist try anything different or get a better deal and make a good financial decision its the worst thing possible and that alone merits them taking off 5 points. Its fucking sad. Also weird note type in a few band names and its really weird what they have and havn't covered. Fantano is one man and has covered more artists then a team of writers

It's so cathartic that, after having well explained what an album should ACTUALLY do to get a zero, Crash would end up giving his very first zero. And yeah... Liz Phair, I Get Wet and even Shine On look like masterpieces compared to *THAT*.

I'm a bit suprised what you didn't mentioned how in Lateralus review, mr.pretentious wrote wrong lyrics. It's supposed to be "Saturn ascends, choose one or ten", not "Saturn ascends, not one but ten".

I have never heard of Damien Rice. Excuse me, going to find a lot more. Damn, thank you

Can we send this to Pitchfork? I'm just curious as to what THAT review would say

Can Brent please replace Chad as a form of internet masculinity?

So Pitchfork is like the IGN of music