What do you do if your spouse cheats and then wants to put the marriage back together again? Maybe because of the fact that you asked, "Let's put the marriage back together again", and they feel badly about what they did. It's like, "Okay, let's give it a shot." Maybe they came to you and said, "I'm so very sorry about what I did. Let's see if we can salvage this thing." Either way the same problem's going to exist if your spouse has been unfaithful to you and that's this, can you trust them again? Let's talk about that. We have several callers asking questions about that, that we'll be responding to in just a couple of moments. I'm Dr. Joe Beam with MH International along with our CEO, our mighty leader, Kimberly Holmes. Kimberly, what kind of thing do you think that people are thinking when they're asking themselves? Can I trust him or can I trust her again?
One of the biggest things I believe people are thinking is more of a protective mindset of "is this going to happen again and how can I make sure that it doesn't?" That's a very human nature part of us. I mean, a very primal part. We want to protect ourselves and make sure we don't experience the same hurts that we've gone through again. What makes it difficult is that we can't control our spouse or what they do or how they act. So when we're trying to learn to trust, what we're really trying to do is figure out how can I make sure that this marriage is protected and that I'm not going to get hurt again.
I think that's it. I think that's absolutely the gist of it. When you look at that, it's always about, "but he lied or she lied. "Well, we hear that every time. Sometimes people will actually say it this way, "I think the thing that hurts most was how much he or she lied and I believed some of that. Then when I realized it was a lie and began to confront, they denied it and tried to make me think I was the one who was crazy or something like that. So it's the lying. Since he or she lied so effectively or so consistently before, how can I know that they're not lying now?" Usually I reply to that, "What did you expect them to do?" No, I'm not justifying their lying. I'm not justifying their affair. Everything they did was wrong in that situation, but what else did you expect them to do?
If somebody is doing something they know is wrong, it's in violation of the marriage that they have with you while they're doing that, do you think they are thinking, "I just need to go tell my spouse right away what's up." Believe it or not there are some people who do that, but it's exceptionally rare because most of the time they know what they're doing is wrong. They feel it inside of themselves, so they try to hide it. When they try to hide it that means they have to lie about where they are, about where they've been, lie about what kind of money was spent and why it was spent that way. Lie when they're actually confronted about things like, "what about this? What about that?" They come up with the weirdest excuses and if they can't come up with excuse, they make you think that you're the one who is nuts. Like, wow. I mean, are you just missing some time here? I mean, what's wrong? Sometimes we'll even say this woman that you're so suspicious of is actually very much on your side. She's your friend. She wants our marriage to make it all kinds of things like that. Kimberly, when people have been so effective at lying and so consistent at lying is there a way to ever trust them again?
There is a way to trust them again. It's not easy. It's not quick, but it has to be built over time or rebuilt over time.
VIDEO CHAPTERS
0:00 Can You Trust Them Again?
01:18 How Trust Is Lost
06:55 How Do I Trust After YEARS Of Lying
19:50 How My Spouse After An Affair When Separated?
33:11 How Can You Trust When They Continue To Lie?
42:32 Can Small Lies Be Indicators For BIG Lies?
49:17 When Do I Draw The Line If The Lies Continue?
56:49 3 Things To Remember When Rebuilding Trust
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