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Could I Have Done Differently?
This question often leads to an answer of regret. Most people end up responding, “Oh man, I messed up! I should have done X. Why didn’t I do Y? Z should’ve been so obvious! I’m so stupid!”
No, no, no, no, no! That’s not what I want you to do when you ask yourself this question. Don’t come at it from that perspective!
Don’t focus on the regret when you can focus on the lesson.
Trust me, every regret contains a lesson, no matter how big or small, that you can apply to your life. It contains a lesson that you can turn into a signal to help direct you in the future.
Transform Regret into a Signal
Whenever I start to feel regret, I examine my regret to find a signal. A signal that will flash in any similar situation in the future, warning me to not repeat my mistakes. Warning me to apply the lessons I have learned.
Let me give you a lighthearted example of how transforming regret into a signal works. I’m going to take you back to my college days when I was extra prone to making mistakes and collecting regrets on the regular.
I Had Dance Moves… But No Game!
If you didn’t know already, I love to dance! My crew and I used to hit the clubs almost every night of the week in my college years. I was very confident on the dance floor… yet not so much with the ladies.
I would go to the club, show off my dance skills, and sometimes a cute girl would come up and be like, “Hey Devon, you’re a really good dancer.”
And I’d be like, “Thanks, you’re pretty.” Then I’d run away.
That’s what I did more times than I’d like to admit! And every night, I’d regret running away and not talking to the girl more.
Finally, one night while I was sulking in regret, I realized that my regret contained a signal. A signal I could use next time I was admired on the dance floor.
That signal was “you’re a good dancer.”
I realized that I could prepare a better response than “Thanks, you’re pretty.” I could prepare a response that led to a conversation and kept me from running away like a pre-pubescent boy. I could prevent regret from hitting me again!
The very next night, I hit the dance floor and showed off all my best moves, anxious to try out my new strategy. Lo and behold, this cute girl came up and she gave me the signal, “You’re a great dancer!”
I choked down my reflexive response, planted my feet in place, took a breath, and said, “Thanks! Do you like to dance?” And that led to a conversation, which led to dancing, which led to me getting her phone number.
Do you see how that works? You can take a regret, turn it into a signal, and use it to trigger a better response next time.
Ask, Examine, and Forgive
So, don’t be afraid to ask the question, “Could I have done differently?” but be prepared to examine your regret. Be prepared to examine what happened and pinpoint where things went wrong. Then, identify a signal just before that point that you can use in the future.
Depending on the severity of your regret, there is another step that can be vitally important: forgiveness. You’ve got to cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself.
Even if you knew better and didn’t do better, you’re still human!
Regretting your actions isn’t going to change anything in the past, but forgiving yourself and learning from that regret can help in the present and the future. It can even help repair the consequences that you’re still dealing with.
Take the time you need to learn How to Forgive and Let Go so you can move forward.
Let Regret Direct You
Don’t get lost in regret. Don’t get lost in an endless loop of shoulda-woulda-couldas. Remind yourself that you’re human. Remind yourself that you didn’t know then what you know now. Remind yourself that dwelling on regret only leads to regretting that you dwelled on regret.
Let regret direct you instead. Keep moving forward with “I shall, I will, and I can” use what I have learned from past mistakes.
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Could You Have Done Differently? - Devon Brown
Could You Have Done Differently? - Devon Brown