Yep. “I never said that. You’ll have to prove to me that I said that.”

I never did that.

And, "I wasn't upset"🤣

💜

Crazy thing: he said "But you said xyz" and then I was saying "No, I never said that. I said abc"... now I´m thinking if I was gaslighting him... but i´m really sure I didn´t say those things.

I made the mistake of saying I saw a doctor for memory issues. Now my memory "can't be trusted".

I had a gut feeling I shouldn’t but I thought if they had empathy they would respect my boundaries but Nope.

Hey, I ‘m looking for people that can relate enduring this kind of relationships to talk a little and support each other. I would love to get in contact with people in this group… maybe we could find each other on social media?

Truer words were never spoken.

That’s exactly right

Right. Its like if a narcissist said or did something ( in reality), but then when the other person mentions it, the narcissist says, "You're imagining things", "I never said that, what are you talking about", "You're putting words in my mouth", etc.

Yes, yes, and yes. I have been with my abuser for 11 years. This is one of his tactics. He will describe himself exactly and claim that is how I am. It's mind boggling.

"Getting offended is your choice." "I know you, and I know what you really meant when you said such and such" "It's like you are only happy when we're fighting." "I should be able to say whatever I want to say to you. Getting offended is your problem." "I know you would feel so much better about yourself if you gained some weight (I am very skinny)"

@@coreyanderson7424 Yes, precisely. My ex, whom I still live with, can engage in very toxic behaviours towards me sometimes, including gaslighting. The double standards she holds for herself versus me never fail to shock me. E.g., she's allowed to tell me I should only answer yes/no when she asks me a yes/no question--but since I asked her to do the same last month with a yes/no question I asked that she kept deflecting rather than answer directly, she's been angry with me and multiple times implied it's my fault that she told me, yes, I should expect her to say cruel, character attacking things about me (and sometimes my family) when she's upset with me. It's like she doesn't realize she could have decided in that moment to dedicate herself to no longer saying cruel things to me no matter her mood, and thus been able to honestly say no. Instead, it's my fault when I "start a conversation" when she just wanted me to say yes/no (not that she told me up front I could only answer yes/no, of course), and it's also my fault when I hold her to the same standard and she honestly tells me that I should expect her to keep treating me cruelly. Toxic people are so confusing. I'm sorry you struggle in a relationship with someone like that too.

Absolutely. My ex narcissist accused me of doing the things he had done wrongly (which was the way I knew that he was conscious of the wrong he did). I wasn't so young when I married him, and maybe that's why I was never really confused the way that Dr. R. describes here, but I had a permanent sense of injustice. I thought the reason was that he was selfish and didn't want to take responsibility for his own faults, but now I see it was that and worse.

The blame shitfting

Heard that many times. All over sudden he is the one who's hurting and deeply insulted.."

That’s my mom. Always has been. Spot on.

Exactly!

My experience aswell.

By emotionally stunted teachers?

I'm trying to figure out how to teach my step son about it. I find that its really hard.

Indeed it should

Absolutely agree with you.

It really should

🤬

Well, my ex was depressed and needed professional help because he would act like he didn't have depression even though it was affecting him (and his job) a lot. Even his boss was telling him he needed to go because he was missing so many days of work. I guess it can be gaslighting to tell someone they need help, but if someone has depression and they aren't getting help, telling them to get help doesn't sound like gaslighting. Especially if it's affecting their lives and everyone around them in a bad way.

@@BooDotBoo In my case she would tell me I needed professional help if I tried to call her out on her behavior. Oh, and same thing for "Are you on your period?" When I got annoyed with something she said or did she would say "Why are you being so irritable? Are you on your period?" which made me wonder if I was in the wrong for being annoyed.

Nina C - Bingo!

Oh, that long list of deflective phrases or as I call it "Cards Against Humanity". Live Action Edition*

When you feel like you have to carry around a recording device to keep the facts straight and have a definite record of what was said and done, it's a very good sign that it's time to let that person go

I've heard that one! Its like, the narcissist may even have done something truly horrible, and when the other person says anything about it at all, the narcissist says, "You're overreacting" . When really, they may be lucky that the person is reacting as nicely as they are!

Oh yes this 💯💯

I can't tell you how many times I have heard that exact response. Thank you for writing that. It is so nice to not feel alone.

Omg yes

I can't even tell if they're confused or not.

Every. Day.

Yep!yep!

Yeah these are the two biggest!!!

It's such a cliche thing to say after hurting someone that you'd think they wouldn't say it, and yet they still do.

@@Sherirose1MDJOYNAL

That a classical one ! 😞

Wow, I'm sorry.

UTexas Bingo

Omg I was told the same thing. "You're too emotional " "You overthink "

My dad used to sing me a song “you talk too much” I’m not sure if it was from him or my mom; I can’t tell while he’s still around her.

Stop being so sensitive.

UTexas Girl Do you know my covert narcissistic mother? Those are just a few of her favourite words.

😂

Right!!🤣🤣🤣

LOL😀😀

Dee Brinson i vividly remember an adolescent moment when i tried to tell my parents i had some problem (had to be big cuz i never brought them my problems!), & my dad exploded: “YOu dont know what problems ARE!” (“I have PROBLeMs, YOU dont”)

18:48 ---- the gas light test. OMG. I have done this. To show the narcissist some mean cruel stuff they said. The narcissist has told me repeatedly don't show them any past text messages at all. The narcissist (the one I am dealing with at least) has a tendency to forget things oh so conveniently.I had decided to save the stuff and show them it. Ohhhhh they hate that when I pull up that stuff. Yet they do it to me all the time showing me old text.

How about this one: “I never lie….”

I've both been told that I'm a terrible liar and that I'm a master manipulator. Depends on the situation I guess.

@@ThePhant0m100 same lmao. I'm either too emotional and irrational, or a cold manipulative mastermind. I guess it depends on which one benefits them the most at the time 🤦🏼‍♀️

@@TONY120923 "... I just exaggerated."

Yes, the "I don't want to talk about this anymore" after THEY started a whole mean and accusatory conversation that you are trying to clear up and you start making your points and can see they are getting it! Suddenly they don't want to talk anymore. No, you don't get to come in here and start something and then not give me a chance to respond! Of course at that point it's useless.

You don’t know how good you have it…. Been hearing that one a fair bit lately. Starting to open my eyes to the truth in the situation.

My mom told me, many times, “nobody will ever love you” I am 42 and I am still believing this, on and off, after 22 years in terapi.

My ex during our divorce went on the stand and said, "She loves to be miserable". I almost laughed out loud. He exposed his damn self with saying that to the judge

Just heard this...

You just like to fight! YEEESSSS!!!!!! The ultimate gaslight.

Lmao, I heard the exact same sentence!

"Have you talked to your therepist" was the montra after my son died last year, just two months- narc friends were already tired of my gut wrenching grief- did talk to my therepist and let go of narc's-wise decision, thanks Dr.Ramani-this needs to be taught in schools at an early age, appropriately.

Yes! also " why do you think everybody is always thinking about you"...

Even when all the evidence points to an affair.....

🙌 mine did this too

You think too much!! 😵

YES!!! get those exact words all the time

Yep!! I've heard those before!!!

Or I would not say that

You always get me wrong!

you problematize everything...

OMG SHE ALWAYS SAID THESE. Then I would repeat her exact words back to her and she would just start crying or screaming and run out of the room. Then I can hear her sobbing and throwing shit all around in her room.

It can be taught in Family Life Education, which is an optional program in our elementary schools here. Only problem is, a narcissistic parent would probably opt their kids out of the program.☹️. I also think they should be taught about the 12 steps, which really helped me in AlAnon, when dealing with my late husband’s narcissism and gaslighting.

The way I learned about NPD, gaslighting, emotional abuse, and the like was because many years ago with my child's father I literally googled "what do I feel like I am going crazy and losing my mind"

"Im not mad , only dogs get mad"

“ i’m not mad, i’m frustrated”

I'M NOT ANGRY! (HE SHOUTS ANGRILY)....really messes with your mind.

You know it's all your fault if he is angry.

@@betsyd593 omg, my mom once got up in my face and screamed: "I'M NOT SHOUTING, YOU'RE SHOUTING!"

"I'm bad with words, you know that" was his fav escape clause

You get into therapy, and they get upset because 'those people just get into your head!'

Omg!!! I was told all of these

Oh yeah the "im sorry Im bad with words" while crying

oouf... the bad with words one... wouldnt have even seen that as gaslighting,, get that one a lot

Yes I do remember that one.

BEabove Leadership yes, he told me “you are self absorbed” when I checked on him why you didn’t sleep? Lol

Or, it’s not always all about you lol same thing different wording. It’s meant to make you feel bad for even considering your own thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and life

Or, not everything is about you. Also, the world doesn't revolve around you

When in truth I never can take credit for the good things only the bad things that happen bc I've been programmed that way.

Mary Holton Or "too sensitive" "Why the f are you crying? There is nothing for you to cry about. Look at you, I can't even watch this right now. Talk to me when you are no longer an emotional cry baby."

Amen...The you’re “crazy”, or the all too common “too sensitive” shaming that always happens when you express a simple truth or honest emotion.

That's a classic one for Females. Hysteria now Bipolar. Because human emotions, bad. Conversation, bad. Coping skills to cognitive behavioral therapy, bad. Pills, good. More profitable. Yes, we have heard this line to justify horrific acts against others even now.

exactly

But then you don't show any emotion and your "acting superior" These pathetic little children are impossible to deal with.

32 years and financially dependent too but I’ve been secretly saving money for the last few years and growing my self-confidence to make my exit

Same

"You're heavy" You're not nice" "Too much drama"

Oh god. The flashbacks.

Actually my wife was subscribed to Dr. Ramani. She majored in Psychology. I experienced subtle increases throughout our marriage of being turned into trying to make me believe I was a abusive Narcissist. I don't think I was suppose to find out about the multiple affairs she was having. So I do believe her plan was to make it look like I was abusive and she needed to get out and just go through divorce so she could be with the new supply. But I caught her cheating. Then she increased it 110%. She acted like she wanted to make it work but all that truly happened was she started blaming me for being the reason it wasn't working. Got our marriage counselor to agree I was a emotional abuser. Then she started saying I was a narcissist that had been controlling her throughout the entire marriage. If I brought up something she said or did she would sometimes reply "I am not going to let you gaslight me". She would look up stuff about narcissists and would have Dr. Ramani videos playing about narcissists when I would walk in (which is how I have ended up watching these because while watching them with my wife I thought "Wait that's not me". She would give me this look like she was studying about me and then she would turn it to something else real quick like she didn't want me to know she was on to me. Then she told me I needed therapy. I agreed but she didn't know I did it not because of the reasons she said but because I started seeing this other side of her that was 180 and needed a professional. She started turning everything I did into something awful. If I stayed calm she accused me of being mean and cold and hurting her and not trying. If I tried to show any affection she would put me down and say I was being mean and not letting her heal (literally would tell her I loved her and she go off on me about how she couldn't take hearing me say that because I was just trying to manipulate her feelings). Her final tactic was getting me upset then calling the police and having me arrested by lying saying I shoved her (I put my hands on her shoulders and asked her to please listen because she got up and shoved me out of the way to walk off then when I stopped her she threw herself on the couch and yelled at me not to shove her) when I got back it got worse. I couldn't be quiet because I got accused of abuse and I couldn't say anything because it got turned into being harassment or emotional abuse. Then I found out something awful she had done and when I brought it up and said I was leaving she started playing up like I was going to hurt her and called the police again and had me arrested again by saying I shoved her (didn't lay a hand on her this time). Now I have filed for divorce. I kept up with therapy. My therapist finally said "I think you have been going through what we call gaslighting". And watching Dr. Ramani has made it clear who was the real Narcissist. But I will say it's scarier when your Narc knows these things and how to make you feel you are the horrible abuser in the relationship. I have had to really take a deep look just to reassure myself how she made me out wasn't true. Sure enough they will take a small incident and project it as something you did every day or week.

@@zacharykassner9002 i really feel sorry for you brother. I have also experienced some narc people in my life. Sadly the world is full of them.

@@zacharykassner9002 i have been following dr ramani for a while now and this thought struck my mind is that dr ramani's videos are empowering the narcs too. Narcs are getting more tactful. Looks like my assumption was correct in your case.

@@jimjung172 She use to always tell me she thought she was bipolar and I didn't really see it and looking back it almost seemed to be used as a tactic to get out of certain conversations. Later after I found out about the affairs she agreed to therapy herself where she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot more of her actual actions became clearer to me after that but there was still something off and again she used it and depression as an excuse to shut me out if I had any questions about the affairs or tried to just work on being in a healthy relationship with her. Watching Dr. Ramani has helped me a lot as now I see the pattern of a covert narcissist. The real wake up that there was more to her came the last few weeks where she started showing a completely different side of herself. She brought up how she cared about me but didn't feel she loved me anymore but thought she wanted to but then would say she just couldn't handle being around me anymore. I told her I understood and that having multiple affairs probably would make her feel that way but if we worked on it she may get that back. She got mad and said "No, I am able to separate the affairs from you and the affairs had no effect on my emotions. You did. You were the problem in our marriage not the affairs. I can separate them so why can't you do that and just get over it!". From what I had researched on BPD they still have some empathy usually and feel bad when cheating but she had no care in the world that she had cheated and it always got turned around on me.

@@zacharykassner9002 looks like she is very toxic

me too!

Oh yes, I know that!

Classic line!!!!!

@@moonchild66 yes!!!

Oh, I know that.. And: I am doing EVERYTHING WRONG.. they play the victim instantly

@@TheRealJohnHooper exactly!

I’m having that moment right now. Just turned 31. She is speaking my life in the video right now.

It's like your bestie punches you in the face and you thank her🤣

I figured it out a month ago. My husband didn't talk to me for a month. And then called me from work and said he's coming to get his $%it and leaving me and hung up. It was a month ago and that is it. I feel better already. Do things that make you feel like you. I am painting and hanging out with my family and friends. Which doesn't include anyone who would talk to him. It will be ok. God bless you all and protect you and give you peace in Jesus name Amen 💚

@@skymeadow7762 And you also apologize profusely and try to make it up to her for the remainder of the relationship for hurting her fist with your face.

@@iamasoldierofgodkingofking1244 Amen Soldier, thank you so much, wishing you Love a hundred fold🙏💖

I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m so glad you were able to disengage with her. I’ve been estranged from my father for almost 20 years now, and haven’t doubted that decision for a single day. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding others that we don’t owe someone our love and time just because we share blood.

Omg yes 100 percent

Omg! Whatever is the most dismissive thing to have heard. It is such a huge minimisation.

Totally invalidating. This is exactly what happened to me with my last ex. We were living together and she flipped out out of nowhere over a box of cereal went totally berserk, running around house yelling, in and out of rooms talking to herself. I gave her space and went in a different room bc i never saw her act like that but i noticed that she was packing some things up in room i went to so i went back over to her and put arm around her and she yelled, dont!, flipped out again and just took off and left house. Havent seen her since or so much as a phone call, just random txts. Found out where went a week later, to stay with a guy she had been talking to (which she minimized during relationship, even saying "if you tell me to stop talking to him then im going to keep doing it just out of spite"). I of course became upset when i found out and she said "I'm sorry you see it that way and think that way, i was going to come back but now that u pulled that shit im not going to". Later when i explained why i became upset that she left to stay with another guy she said "whatever" and those were last thing 2 things she said to me. She was living here and most of her belongings are still here and that was 5 weeks ago. The day before she moved out she was telling me how i was her person and the one.

I never liked a "wharever", response. It seemed like they didn't give a rat's a**.

@@neowise3480 Yep. Completely dismissive.

its like they never want to talk responsibility in any situation, blaming 100% on their kid

this one was his favorite

Oh! I have heard it literally every single time my father abused me for as long as I can remember.

Hey, I ‘m looking for people that can relate enduring this kind of relationships to talk a little and support each other. I would love to get in contact with people in this group… maybe we could find each other on social media? I am Rania Zoidi on facebook

Wow! My mom always uses this one on me whenever I call her out on trying to control me or tell her I have the right to make a decision about something in my personal life. She then tells me I'm trying to start an argument and quickly shuts down whatever I was saying.

Thank you. I'm discovering my abuse now. Watching and listening info about narcissism for past 4 weeks. It is eye opening stuff.

"I'm worried about you." Just when I thought I was the only one who hears that manipulative lie. I am so glad I ran across this channel.

You are always imposing

Every one of these was said to me. When my husband said "It's not always about you" I looked at him and said "No, but sometimes it is". He never used that line again.

@@alexandria321 yes omg I never should’ve told my bf I went to therapy now everything is a symptom of my anxiety

I've not experienced gaslighting personally but how is "Im worried about you" gaslighting?

+I used to say - you'd argue it wasnt you if you were clearly captured on video doing it

Or: “saw what?”

@@kelley2270 they'll deny and lie even even you have the evidence.

Who are you going to believe - me or your own eyes?

Or, Just straight up ignoring

this is legit.

Ohhh yeeesss

how dare you put words in my mouth

OMG I JUST HEARD THIS 💀💀💀

13 years here...to 'figure it out'🤦

@@reachingcoldmountainbeforeyou 20 years here💀

@@lakendramontgomery5826 you're NOT crazy or unlovable!

@@reachingcoldmountainbeforeyou Thank you. That's something that we all need to hear after living such a life of constant terror.

17 years.. 😢

I audio tape him on the iphone every time we need to have a discussion. When I listen to it, all the evidence is there.

When I made the, what's she calls, Wick List with all the bad things he have done, I built the courage to move on

I had a whole chart with dates and actions to keep my brain together! so glad it only took me four months to get out !

I tried this. He found my journal tore it up and said he will sue me for libel. Because those things might be true in theory but all it does is make him look bad.

Text screen shots...even though when he saw the proof he never admitted it

Yesssss. True

you can't reason with these LUNATICS.... they are ALWAYS RIGHT.... PROVING this and EXPLAINING that - is just FEEDING THEM your ENERGY.... CUT THEM OFF/GET OUT/DISAPPEAR/BREAK THE CHAIN.....

Yeah, it's like realizing why your whole life was a wreck right before you die.

Nunya Bidness FACTS

Nunya Bidness top of 2018

Really🤔 How odd.

Everytime you say anything society will gaslight you and push you back into the pit of despair.

Felt that!

I got the "It was just a kiss, it didn't mean anything" "We didn't make out it was just a kiss, I wouldn't have dated you three weeks ago"

18:48 ---- the gas light test. OMG. I have done this. To show the narcissist some mean cruel stuff they said. The narcissist has told me repeatedly don't show them any past text messages at all. The narcissist (the one I am dealing with at least) has a tendency to forget things oh so conveniently.I had decided to save the stuff and show them it. Ohhhhh they hate that when I pull up that stuff. Yet they do it to me all the time showing me old text.

Dr. Ramani is out here in the trenches, tending to our wounds and stocking us with artillery!!!

Me too

Same. But she always says horrible things only to me, when there are no witnesses.

very common, my npd sister does the same......I’m trying not to be around her without another adult around

Oh yes so true

They CHOOSE to forget what they said. When you say stuff, they clearly remember it.

Allan Powell 2 Bear Slayer Yep! 👍

Narcissists always project their insecurities onto others, even when that person they’re projecting on has never displayed that kind of behavior.

@@hindsightpov4218 Very true, If you want to check out a nice case study, Look for clips of a guy named Owen Benjamin. He's been one of the more fascinating cases I've come across.

Allan Powell 2 Thanks. I’ll check it out.

Catch em lying? Well it's your fault they lied because they knew how you would react because they know you better than you know yourself. So they really only had your best interests at heart.

My older sister actually told me, "I haven't heard anything that bad" right after I'd run her a list of 5-6 abusive & toxic behaviors. I'm like, "WTH" did you just hear what I said?

"Don't be a pussy" "You're too emotional" "Be a man"

Hahahhah my husband has been having 15 BAD years apparently..our WHOLE marriage from day 1. hahahahahaahhahahahahahhahhahahhahah 😅he didnt mean it cuz his mom was dying then it was his father then it was his career thenbankruptcy, homelessness, migration, desperation IT WAS ONLY 15 yrs HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAH You are my new guru thank you

🌻🌻🌻🌻

@@LifeWon452 i can recommend the podcast "you're wrong about" especially the episodes about OJ Simpson and DC Snipers, they explain so well how people are forced to stay in abusive relationships for years. I mean if you are ready for this, could be triggering. But you are Not alone with this, maybe hearing are people stories with abuse helps 🌻🌻🌻

I'm a survivor, on a way to thrive. 💪🏽 I know, If I can do it, you all can! 🔥 It might sound crazy, but I think that everyone that's a narcissist-magnet must come across a strong damaging narcissist. 🤔 The reason is: we have been so primed to take the abuse that it doesn't feel so, unless someone thrashes us left, right and centre. It's deeply agonizing but a wake-up call. 🔔Apart from getting healed from the abuse of one narcissist, we get trained in escaping such monsters in future. 🏋️ The universe has loads of energy for you, you need not depend on any sadist to derive it from. 🌞 More power to all the good people out there! 🌍 You CAN do it! 💜

@RoseZarco did you leave? how are you doing?

Wow! Congrats to you! My Narc is the doing the same to me! You go girl! I can't wait for the day I can leave!

Getting him to shower and change clothes over this "pandemic" That's crazy 😆 if he's caught any virus, it will be in his system anyways, his clothes are the least of anyone's worries lol He must be so relieved to not deal with that shit!

🐑

Yup! I got a few of these. “I wouldn’t not say that, it was a problem for us in the past”. “I didn’t cheat but I respect your belief on it”. “ I didn’t mean it like that, I used the wrong word”. “Don’t you think you’re more sensitive then most people?”.” I’m sorry if that’s how it sounded/seemed/came out”. “This is just how I am. It’s how it is for right now”. “It’s your life, you’re not happy. you can do what you want”. When I was telling him he’s hurting me.

Reign I got the “I didn’t say that” from my mother a lot

Reign gives me chills-exactly what my brother said to me when i tried to tell him i had some expertise to share to help with our dementia-sticken mom, from several years on a job he just denied i had! 🙄

That would be beyond annoying ! I've heard a n say to his partner after a rude belittling comment "I was joking, you have no sense if humor. Geez can't you understand a joke ? " Aaaarrrggg 😨 !

Yep “oh YOU took it the wrong way.. YOU took it out of context” .... yeah bollocks!!!!

mine too

I had a narcissist/sociopath boss. He told the whole company my perception was wrong. He even made a documentary about Perception which I exposed in this video I made: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rZZio6-Xp8rPgWw.html This was the first video I made about this guy: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/qL-RiNOnpt3SZJ8.html

I moved across the country and was gaslit for three years. The entire time I thought it was just a cultural difference I needed to overcome. My gut was right the entire time 🤦🏿‍♀️

Just really curious and asking. Is the first one just normal? Coz like almost everyone here in my country use that. And somehow kinda true when ur about to have ur period ur emotions are fluctuating coz of hormones making u more sensitive or irritable. Isnt that person is more aware of ur body changes and understading u more than being narc? I wanna understand more on this narrative.

Amen! Smh!

Omg the period one! Yes. Happens to me so much!

OMFG the first one!!

My female boss said the first one!! So wrong! She was very very abusive... I left the job 6 month later!!!

So recognizable! Especially the 'even your teachers would say that about you too'. Have you let her listen to the recording?

wow. This one is REALLY destructive.

My mother, that's now how it happened fuck sometimes I cant even talk to her

My mother is the same. When I was in my early 20s I started recording her rages/denials etc - when she told me I was lying and that she never yelled at me and would never have said X, I played her one of the recordings and she accused me of "faking it". At that point I just gave up and did my best to disengage.

to these kind of people, the very existence of others is an advantage or an abuse (disadvantage/shame/threat/burden/.../...)

Me too

Same here....its devastating xxxx

@@moonchild66 My favorite. : “You said you forgave me for my behavior (physical abuse), but you are still concerned about it; you’re a liar”.

Yep yep yep, I discovered all the names for what he'd been doing (and others through my life as have previously been drawn to such relationships after early family narc) BECAUSE he told others upon completely cutting off all comms that it had been an emotionally abusive 'relationship'...I'm like yeah! From you!

"You are so disrespectful!" after diminishing me to the grounds and me trying to stand up for myself...