To share my experience. Yes, 5 times so far. Started very engaged, but never clarified intentions, made me feel responsible for the relationship and sudden discard, but wanting to stay 'friends'. I am secure but felt anxious throught the period. The end was painful each time but last 2 times I felt relieved as well. I guess 3 of these were fesrful avoidants. The othet 2 were dismssive avoidants.

Yes after over a year of a situationship he ended it via a text. It has really made me feel like nothing! I understand all the things you state in this video but it's still hard as someone who's AP leaning secure (i took your test again and it says I'm secure now but I honestly realize set this I have some of AP triggered in this). I am doing these things you suggest and really am trying to move but I was already living and doing what I should for me. It's been 3 weeks of no contract and I still long for him to realize this was not how this should have went. But it did!

The more videos of yours I watched the more I understood his behaviors & responses. Right before the discard he said “you’ve really figured me out haven’t you? You get me.” I told him I’d been learning about his attachment style so yes, I understood. Around this same time my beloved cat got ill. This was all just before Christmas. I told him “I’m really going to need a hug when my baby passes”. When my kitty passed a few days later I told him. His response was to ghost me. 10:15

@@Jessica-tp4gj man that had to really hurt. I'm so sorry you experienced that. May be late and not real but hope you accept this virtual hug for the loss of your fur family!

Yes been dealing with this for months still confused and my heart hurts very badly daily and barely sleep

Yeah brother.

Again this Thursday after blissful lovebombing on on Tuesday with some willingness to go into a process with a couple’s therapist/ attachment expert (Ben). She was on his profile page Wednesday (with me on FaceTime) ready to book and then she refused; by Friday (yesterday) she sent me messages and pictures with her new‚great friend‘. I am confused and again heartbroken.

Of course I asked why would she even reach out after 45 days of no-contact, to be absolutely blissfully loving and meaningfully talking? to go down the discard route so quickly.

@@jurgenwehner3607 sometimes people can really be cruel

Yes, right here,… + 30 days from the dump text discard… Awful

Thank you for sharing! ❤

And how did you gain all this insight if they never communicated that to you? I'm just curious.

@@HippieZippy I was in a relationship with a few, and raised by 2. I just started paying attention to the patterns, and tweaking my responses. I started looking at my triggers and healing what was attracting this type of relationship. I still have a connection with one, but he sometimes will elevate and meet me. I choose myself and my well being every time now.

It is a very black and white perspective which sounds very rational. In an ideal world, if people cud just say, oh, my love interest whom i thot was reciprocating feelings of love and care, suddenly is shutting down, most people cannot say Guess ill just move on. It s very complex. Amd every pairing is unique to navigate. Most people cant figure out what s happening. U need faith and tolerance to keep learning about someone. U build trust. But if there are confusing signals or a lot of manipulation, it can feel very confusing. So, Thais is here to explain to confused people what could be happening in a relationship so we dont lose faith in people and maybe even get depressed or worse. Some pple never had guidance and need a caring person who understands our messy lives. ❤

@@stephanieg4950 yep. Live and learn. Meditation, breath work, self love practice helped me through all of it. I went from codependent people pleaser, to pragmatic yogi. I realized a lot of what was happening was in my head because I didn’t have the courage to have a conversation about the truth. Once I did, I was free. I wish you the best on your journey.

yeah man i agree and empathize with you, luckily ive reached a point where i can joke about it but bloody hell if i didnt have good self image i was a goner for sure. Good riddance.

@@hanmanteomkar I think I can now joke about it too, brother, but that confusion, or at least a bit of it, will always remain. Also, regret.

100% agree!!! The biggest mind fuck you will ever experience!

@@GeoffreyAngapa no need for regret, its either a blessing or a lesson! On a side note, Read meditations by marcus aurelius.

I agree, and you've articulated the experience very well. I would also like to add that those who are victims of narcissistic abuse also feel that they've been scammed. The cognitive dissonance is applicable to both experiences. Either way, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, and the silent treatment are undoubtedly all forms of abuse. Irrespective of the reasons, it's emotional abuse.

All the best

I am sorry for what you are going through. Try to find solace in the knowing that rejection is God's protection. Love and take good care of yourself, someone more aligned will come into your life when you are ready. Love and light 🙌

At least you can communicate with him. Mine blocked me for months. 😢

My ex husband discarded me unexpectedly and in a very painful way as well. I am 8 years out of that discard and still working on healing my trauma. Sending you so much love. We deserve to be with someone who treats us with dignity and respect. 🩷

I feel you, I feel the pain from that too. I understand this is not easy … I wish we could understand everything that goes on in another persons mind but without communication it’s impossible. The way they shut down and shut us out is unhealthy.

They will most definitely suffer unless they are a) aware enough to realize their own issues and b) willing to work on them. Or they'll just go through life with walls up and be content that way but never find true everlasting love

Amen ​@@tumbleweedconnection7906

❤‍🩹

Yep!

This is how I feel, and I thought we were doing good, but she was keeping a lot of stuff to herself. We were together 13 years, and we had so many memories. 4 months after we separated, she's already in a new relationship. I feel like I never mattered. She didn't want to try any counseling or anything. 😢

Scary they can swith off emotions just like lightswitch😮

That sounds so unimaginably hard

I had that same thing was told adult issue & kid issues are separate they can still hang we just don’t have to….

Remember the Bible says a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

😢❤‍🩹

I can totally relate. I don’t know how I will trust again, but I am committed to doing the work to find trust again. I hope you will too.❤

@warrenmay3600 I have been doing the work for 9 years and when you think you have it in the bag life throws you another curve ball. I know myself pretty well but other people are unpredictable as fuck...nothing is guaranteed so you have to look after yourself....like a DA but not hurt people in the process. I think it is that trait that I liked their reserve and self reliance. I told him as he dumped me I will probably stay single...he broke my heart...

This is temporary. You will grow tremendously from this. The same happened to me. Past 4 months I've been extensive pain. But the healing is happening and I feel so much better. You will make it to the other side of pain

@@itsthetates. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

Not your fault. Her choice herr bull her loss. Sounds like you are a good human who works through stuff. I‘d say the closure is that she left how she did. Her disrespect speaks for itself. And for that, I am sorry. I experienced something similar although we were just dating, and I could later see a pattern. I pitty the people your ex is dating. A person who can just walk away from a relationship without even trying, must be hollow on the inside. Like a bamboo.

@@h.neubert8770 it helps to know of others have experienced the same thing. Thanks for reaching out.

Hit the gym and date other women

Trust me, understanding will get you nowhere. Unless they change and get some form of therapy, you can forget it. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on.

Same here. I put up with so much I shouldn't have. I completely disregarded my boundaries and needs in trying to be empathetic.

Did they devalue you? That's the way to tell.

@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, stonewalling and triangulation. Unfortunately, both narcissists and DAs do it.

They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, it could be both actually. I had the same thing happen , so i feel for you , I don't know you , but you didn't deserve it , and I am sorry.

@@gazaustinmusic8321 Devalue is understatement. There was gaslighting, blameshifting, triangulation, stonewalling... of course I didn't know what I was dealing with at a time. I only started learning about attachment styles and personalities afterwards. It all matches with the description of covert narcissism, but admitting it is the hard part. The cognitive disonance is unreal.

@@MAXIMUSWE True and it probably was both. Narcissism is in essence an attachment based disorder after all. Thank you for validation! Even if it comes from an unknown, it means a lot. Same to you, I am sorry you had to go through it. No one deserves such treatment.

Thank you for your vulnerable share! I'm glad to hear you are happier now 🤗

Wow, similar experience but 5 times. Usual cycle 2 years. Im tired and want to clear what in me attracts these feaeful avoidants. Meditattion helps.

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool You are welcome. I have no ill will since I understand the condition.

You didn't deserve it , I am sorry , but I am glad you're getting better.

Same here 😢.

Mine faded out too but he won’t go away. He always comes back. He gets to the point where he feels these intense emotions and then he pulls back. I haven’t seen him in 2 months but he does text me here in there. So irritating lol

@@Darkempress45sounds like breadcrumbing. I hate this so much

Same!

​@@Darkempress45At least he's texting. Mine just straight up ghosted. I reached out every few months because I'd never been ghosted before and felt guilty because I thought it was my fault and I wanted to mend the rift and talk things out... silly me Now he's apparently moving in with his new girlfriend. Good luck to her. I give it 6 months max

Mate avoidant is decent term to civilize the devil

@@amitsalaskar1024 man, you ain't kidding.

She isn’t dismissive avoidant. That is fearful avoidant. She likely wasn’t feeling secure in how you felt about her. I used to do this if I felt the person wasn’t vulnerable enough about their feelings for me because that made me feel uncertainty. Also, that’s self sabotage. FA who aren’t sure they will be loved in return will do this.

@@audtasticgirl either way, it really sucked when I couldn't be more open with how i felt.

The issue is you trying again. If she did this the first time, why didn't you have boundaries ? As much as we can have feelings for someone, a complete lack of respect for you is evident. When your desire to be wanted and needed outweighs the logical issue (that she is not doing the work) it falls back on us. I used to feel like I was a victim as a healing fearful avoidant I have never just ghosted someone like that so don't believe everything you hear. You can have any attachment style but the key is self awareness and empathy.

Wow what a coward.

That absolutely sucks. So sorry that happened to you.

What made you realize what you were doing wrong? Was there a "aha" moment?

Well done Sabrina on the efforts you’ve been making. All the best with a deepening life!

Just live in isolation. You don’t deserve connection. Just like how your parents did it to you

​@@kgonzalez8098I get the anger, but your anger here is at the wrong person. Someone who admits they have a problem and is actually working on themselves deserves the same connection as anyone else. I'm angry at my DA too, but I don't want them back anymore. They have shown that they cannot be trusted to even be a friend. All I just want from them is to admit responsibility and understand the suffering they caused.

Love that the comments are not just for those who went through trauma but also an open space for those who realised they caused it and repented, trying/wanting to do better and whats right. To those who still are healing but default to a stab, may you find the grace and healing you need and deserve. To the one who posted the unkind response above, wrt stay isolated and no connection, some thought... may you not receive the same courteousy you bestow upon others... Healing, courage and strength to all.

Wow. Feel your pain here.

This is so wrong. They love just like everyone else, maybe even better, but ppl like you hurt them so they can’t take no more abuse and they choose to suffer. They cut ppl out they love, because it hurts less than getting cut out from the person they love. The 2nd option adds to their trauma. If you want to keep an avoidant YOU must initiate as much as possible. What I find ironic is that your gender complains about avoidants , when your gender is avoidant by default. You gals never initiate, you ghost ppl, cut pol out theough text, ignore ppl you love, because you want to be alproached etc. Don’t you see the irony here?

​@@roberth4395 if you're talking from your own experience, you might want to reconsider if it's because you're "avoidant" or if it's just because are a misogynist who loves the concept of "gals" but not the real human beings. (I want to say this in the nicest way possible, so I'll just say that what you've written is... misguided) Seriously, reread your comment and contemplate what you've written from a new perspective. There's some insight in there.

@@lawndartlele I spent about 18 years studying psychology and I am specialized on NPD and ADHD. You are a bad person and I would write words that I cannot as KZfaq would auto delete the comment. What you just did is called “projecting”, all the negative things you threw at me is in fact you and not me. Shame on you!

"The greatest form of selfisness" is a little dramatic. I think your not trying to consciously but you in the the processes of dehumanizing a group of people to make yourself feel better. Sorry for pain your in but this isn't healing.

@@roberth4395 I won't be replying to you further beyond this reply, because my comment came from a place of empathy and in return yours is purely an empty attack full of lies. How curious, you studied NPD and yet you preach of "projection". Someone who studied and UNDERSTOOD any basic amount of psychology would not categorically call someone "a bad person" and say "shame on you". Shame is literally one of the greatest burdens that patients who approach psychologists have... Lastly, I was contemplating your original comment, and realised that the OP never even mentioned a gender, and yet you assumed it to not only an attack about men, but also a direct attack towards you. Insecure styles have no gender, a woman can also be Avoidant too, just as a man can be Anxious. Think about that "projection".

yes, one does lean avoidant after going through a discard but with time the nervous system regulates itself and you return to baseline attachment. what a roller coaster.

@hanmanteomkar very much so. The urge to reach out has been the worst. But I guess she needs to feel the loss and hopefully work on her own issues, while I go through that process of going back to baseline. Same a many other avoidant stories, the one I wanted to marry and be with and fight for. From her, not even a scrap of a fight to fix things just gone.

I lean avoidant now and have sworn of romantic relationships. IM pretty happy though, so fufilled in every other part of my life and really dont miss a relationship.. Once I started healing my own core wounds and attachment life got better and the people I am surrounded with are secure and happy ..

Feel for you. I'm sorry.

The audacity of someone wanting to keep the parts of you they want and set fire to the things they don’t. Friends?! Absolutely not, they’ve shown you that they are NOT your friend by completely disregarding your feelings! All of me or none of me.

She kind of did a few days ago on why avoidants don’t fight for relationships. Sounds like why the handle things the way they do.

Thank you for your suggestion! I will try and make a video on this topic in the future, I did touch on this in April 15th's video ❤

@@Wait---What I'll look for the video then! Thanks.

I would hang on every word of a deep dive on this topic! Great suggestion. They seem to have a lot of trouble facing their wrongdoings and hold a mirror up to your face while hiding behind it.

@@meh_lady Unfortunately, the courage to be vulnerable is not common. That's why many people call them cowards. I'm always curious about how many avoidants have the courage to do unethical things in a relationship and some doesn't have the courage to apologize sincerely. They always take the escape route. When someone makes a mistake with them, they are ruthless and full of extremist thoughts -- as they cannot resolve conflicts, they become paralyzed in resentment. When it's them, a very common saying: "I know I do xyz, BUT...". With me, an avoidant never owned up to their mistakes and apologized without indirectly continuing to shift the blame to someone else. They don't know how to deal with the error factor (and here comes the attempt at control that they don't assume, as they are super controlling as well as APs). Many are afraid to open up emotionally to people because they will be disappointed. I find this line curious, because being disappointed and hurt is part of life. People who love us will hurt us. Everything can be resolved if we know how to… resolve conflicts.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I admire your positive outlook! ❤

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you It pushed me further into my healing and my son is benefiting from it..

I love this and am so happy for you both!!! My relationship with my adult son has got me through so many dark days and it started when he was little simply because of who he naturally is. It’s nothing to do with what he could give me, we have just always had something special and bring each other such joy being together. I work very hard to not lean on him and keep things healthy and in their proper lanes, though. We both keep that in mind and that’s made our relationship even better because we know where we fit in and where the lines are. There’s no worship or living vicariously, but there’s no denying that we are each other’s person and it just so happens that we are mom and son. I want him to have his own life on his terms and would never interfere with that. We both agree that we are the cherries on top of each other’s sundae! 🍒❤

@@meh_lady thank you for sharing your story. This gives me hope to know my kiddos will be ok.. ❤️❤️❤️

@@jb-ze1yh maybe, just maybe, if you - women - vetted men better before making children with them you wouldn't be ending up in predicaments like this.

I went through the same with a guy friend. We had been friends for 12 years. He just stopped responding to me. He actually was intending on coming over for a BBQ that day and was texting me that he was on his way and never showed up! I got in touch 3 years later to ask why and he told me it was basically because our friendship had become one between him, my SO, and me. I said, well, thank you for being honest and have a nice life ✌🏽✌🏽✌🏽

Also, I'm sorry you were discarded. It's really awful.

@@ijustneedmyself im so sorry. Are you over it by now or do you still feel sad about it?

@@zilfiii Thanks. I don't feel sad about it anymore. I do look back on occasion and think jeez what a waste. It definitely helped me to reach out and get my reason for why he ditched me because I had no idea. In your case it's a bit different because you know partially why things didn't work out though the disagreement (likely) didn't warrant the ending of the friendship. Have you tried reaching out, not to make amends, but to say your piece so you can get closure?

@@ijustneedmyself I have tried multiple times, but he never responded and also told a mutual friend that he isnt planning on ever responding. Its really sad but ill just have to move on

As someone with the capacity to shut people off (though, wouldn’t fall into the DA category).. Closure isn’t about One accepting or not accepting that people will no longer be in their life. In fact, often, closure helps that acceptance process, more so - and, often, not receiving closure makes that far more difficult, when it comes to understand the lessons within that relationship, and the questions and confusion that come, with such abrupt change, within the relationship dynamic. Sure, no closure can be a form of closure - though, to leave someone on that receiving end, with so many questions, is rather heartless and selfish. Knowing that people come in and out of our lives, constantly, and are, really, never permanent - doesn’t make the treatment done by the DA hurt any less. If anything, ignoring that pain and only focusing on the logical lesson, you present, is intellectual bypassing. And can become harmful to someone, especially, in regards to their health - if they keep ignoring the emotional factors that come into play, by replacing them with generic life lessons, we all already know.

@@XOChristianaNicole I'm securely attached, but I do have DA traits. I've learned that you can't control anyone but yourself. Trying to guilt people into providing something for you they may or may not provide is not only a waste of time, it's a waste of energy. Whether or not it's hurtful isn't the point here. It's all about the energy you can be putting into yourself and focusing on attracting the right partner for you. That said, intellectual bypassing is about SUPPRESSION of emotions and I'm not suggesting that. I'm suggesting to learn from the experience and take the necessary action to let go of something you can't control (i.e. whether or not a person gives you closure). And yes, most people in your life are just passing through, so being unattached to the outcome is going to be MUCH healthier than getting emotional every time someone leaves. Emotions come and go and wallowing in them is going to DESTROY your mental and emotional health whether you realize it or not. This is why I pay close attention to how much emotional trauma a woman has gone through now. If it's a lot, she's likely to treat you poorly and have you constantly walk on eggshells like my ex. For example, my ex ended our relationship because she was triggered by a Facebook post of mine where I quoted one of my business coaches (quotation marks, tag and all). She also had me walking on eggshells the entire relationship and constantly threatened to leave after inserting herself into my business and wanting to change how I ran things. Couple that with the fact that she had narcissistic traits (always referring to herself in the third person) and being a binge drinker and prescription drug abuser, it was a recipe for disaster. This was all do to the unresolved emotional trauma she had and chose never to resolve (despite being in therapy). I gave her the benefit of the doubt initially, but after I surprised her for her birthday with tickets to her favorite venue and restaurant, she lashed out at me and this made me realize the relationship needed a reassessment. I stonewalled her for a bit, watching our interactions very closely and didn't even want to see her the night before she broke it off. Oh, did I mention she was an AP? In short, I accepted the lessons for what they were, gave her everything she left at my place and vice-versa, and focused on my hobbies and interests. I started meeting new (and better) women within the WEEK and even hooked up with one at a nightclub as well as a good female friend of mine several months later (which had more "sparks" in that one experience with her than in the entire relationship with my ex). As that friend of mine said to me one night over drinks, "I don't force things anymore." And you know what? She's right! As much as it can hurt and cause emotional damage, trying to force closure doesn't make things any better. Hurt feelings are a part of life, but we can't use them as an excuse forever. We NEED to revisit those life lessons we know so well and APPLY them.

They aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, could be both in some cases, but you're absolutely right. Sometimes I kinda look at it as if an avoidant is at the lower end of the narc spectrum... I suppose by my observations an avoidant tends to internalize more , where as a narc is more extroverted & predatory in behaviors. An avoidant might hurt you because they don't feel good enough deep down , but other than the neglect not really abusive.... A narc Sometimes finds delight in the power plays and discarding I guess a more avoidant leaning narc which doesn't outwardly project their abuse more kinda falls in line with the pathology of "covert narc" or vulnerable narc.

Yep, I've been thinking why bother at all... I'm sorry you had to go through this

Thanks for sharing that. Identical scenario happened to me last year. It took me a brutal 4 months to heal from it. Once, I healed I started dating someone secure. About this same time, my DA ex decides to unblock me everywhere. It was kinda funny, because my ex saw a picture of me and my new secure girlfriend on Facebook. She immediately blocked me everywhere again! She never spoke a word. I guess she was hoping I would notice her unblocking me as a cue for me to reach out. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I hope my ex felt some pain when she saw a picture of me and my new woman together. My DA caused me extreme pain when she discarded me like trash. I hope she feels at least a touch of pain now too.

@@richardgene4231 I'm happy to hear you have found a secure gf. Unfortunately for me, I have not been as lucky. Been almost 2 years since the breakup. I have given up on finding someone new and just content loving myself thanks to what I learned from PDS. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish it happens to me someday.

Love it.

Unfortunately, that's exactly how it feels like when it happens, they treat you like trash. Discard is not the same as breakup. It is on us to see them for what they are and on the long run, take it as a gift.

I don't understand the word either.

​​@@SunshineAndSnowflakes it's what it feels like to them I guess but I don't think it's a helpful descriptor at all. I think a healed person would be past seeing it as a discard. I never discarded a person in my life, just got tired of relationships and left. But it's not in anyone's power to discard anyone, you must see yourself as pretty small and powerless to think you have ever been "discarded". And what bothers me is the assumption that people can't leave if they want? Like yes it sucks that someone left you but they do have that right.

@@Littleowl85352 I agree. Since when did breaking up become a discard? If people want to go, let them.

Thank you for being the only non-judgmental person on here

Don’t worry bruh- mine too looked at me and said - I just don’t think u are my soulmate- you haven’t done anything wrong/ I just feel this relationship won’t work in the future 😂😂 . I haven’t don’t anything - they just feel we wi have problems in the future so it makes me not their soulmate- let’s break up 😂😂😂

As a DA who has “discarded” I don’t have more discussion around it because I don’t think it would be helpful. Last person I broke it off with wasn’t a very nice person. As we got to know each other I learned he had issues with women, believed the holocaust never happened, and hated educated women and would mock college. I’m a college educated woman who works at a college lol. I told him we shouldn’t talk anymore but didn’t go into why because his view on life is just that. I can’t change or control him and I felt it would cause an argument because people get angry even when they ask for feedback. Now, we’re arguing over the phone because of my opinion in a relationship I already decided is over. Didn’t seem worth it

@@sj3969 I think ur reason is valid - in my case . No toxicity or anything- one day they just came and was like I don’t think we have a strong connection and that will be a problem in the future- you haven’t done anything wrong- I think we should break up. Just like that- that’s a discard- in ur situation they did something wrong and their hateful speech towards u- that’ will wallrant a goodbye . If anything I think u respected urself and set a boundary

yes very low emotional intelligence. My coparent DA told the girl he was seeing (while I was pregnant with his child) and how I found out he was cheating on me with .. that him and I just didnt "work out". WRONG>>> he literally gave me PTSD from his sh*tty behavior and ran when I needed him the most.. Its sickening.. Now he is avoidant with our child but what I realized is I am responsible for who I entertain and if anyone show signs of this behavior its an immediate block.. my DA coparent is blocked too and life is so much more peaceful.

@@kwamepipimofficialthank you. I think I most cleanly fit the definition of being a DA, but I. 90% of the cases my discards have been for things like this. One man told me he had slept with an underaged girl, another told his wife fleed the state and left him saying he was abusive. That scared me but I let it go until he freaked on me for falling asleep on the phone at 2 am. I’m in therapy and my therapist tells me my gut is well developed and I’m ok, but then I watch videos like these and feel like I’m not? Lol idk. Anyways, thanks for the nice words.

mine provided nothing so why am i so obsessed lol

It is irrelevant what you did or said. Her issues are entirely internal and sooner or later she would have found something to leave over. If she couldn't find it she would invent it. If they're not actively healing it's pretty much a lost cause.

We won't call it "what it is" because it's not. That's your view. Intention is everything and if you can't separate this then that's healing you have to do on your end. I don't personalize when an anxious attachment gets too needy or when a fearful avoidant flips on a dime nor do I personalize when a dismissive avoidant goes quiet. Why allow the actions of others dictate us? Having control over our emotions and having the ability to separate why people do what they do is important.

I would question the helpfulness of that approach for yourself and those around you, it seems like it could lead to both early aging and indigestion.

@Raindrops8888 I do not need healing.' Thank you very much! Nor do I subscribe to this false notion that everybody who is a victim of this form of abuse actually needed healing prior to being involved with an avoidant. Claiming that anxious people are 'needy' simply serves a rather warped, flawed, illogical narrative, I'm afraid. Avoidants will make a person with a secure attachment style anxious by the time they've finished with them! They will eat them up for breakfast, lunch, and supper before they've had time to say, " Am I being dismissed?" Yes, you are, by a dismissive avoidant. I'm a firm believer that all avoidants should be in therapy before entertaining any relationship. It's futile and will only end in a disaster. Not only for them, but for the people they hurt and discard. So, whilst motivations may help us to some extent, they do not change the reality of what has transpired. It does not take away the hurt or pain the person has suffered de facto. By the way, you have not explained or clarified how it's different from the infamous discard doled out by narcissists? How can anyone separate the actions and behaviour s of others and how they directly impact us?

@Littleowl85352 Well, I'm ageing very well, actually. And I have no digestive issues to my knowledge - thanks for the concern and for pointing that out.

​@@HippieZippywell if it's helpful to you, then all the best! But I personally believe in sharing and focussing on blessings, not on resentment

Yes , she's in a deactivated state right now. Regardless of how it might turn out , space & time is all you can do As hard as it might be , and believe me I know what kinda misery it is to act the opposite of how you feel...but right now your best bet is taking all your energy back , focus on bettering yourself , and go no contact.

@@MAXIMUSWE appreciate it, thanks. Yeah I’m not getting back with her. Last time I messaged her I miss her she said stuff like i’m a loser who can’t take rejection and a creep for messaging her on her other account.

@@syedbukhari6578 Oh man...Thats truly heartless , I am sorry 😞

Congrats on your sobriety and growth! I'm happy to hear you found a silver lining, self esteem is definitely very important ❤

​@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolthanks! It was either that or be miserable, so made the choice which makes most sense 😂

Deactivation is what the avoidant does to create distance and space between them and their partner. This happens prior to the discard.

They're not evil. Just don't allow the person the person to come back if they're not right for you. My ex DA tries ALL of the time. I'm polite but decline.

@@UnicornsAreReal1 you are right.. Myself I am AA so I take responsibility for letting them back and entering the same cycle again.. I was aware of my fault but I was just hoping if I communicated positively and suggest solution and be patient with them.. Maybe things would work 💔

Just don't take them back. But you need help obviously, it's not so simple. Can't tell an alcoholic to just not take a drink, right? Best of luck and warm blessings as you are in the right place.

@@SalihT98 I totally get it. I've been here. ❤️ It's not easy to let someone you love go. My ex literally just contacted me this morning to see me...again after I ended it last year. I'm still very much in love with him. Love isn't enough unfortunately. He's a great guy...my best friend. But I know what's good for me and what isn't so like the other commenter said, it's like trying to stay away from a drink as an alcoholic. Not always easy.

@@Littleowl85352 thank you for your kindness.. Its been a long journey trying to heal the trauma, the limerence and the deep fears of loneliness.. But now I am better.. And surely I wont let them back no matter what

That’s horrible, I’m sorry you have experienced this!

I don't think they dated DAs somehow

I'm not an expert, but as I understand it, during "deactivation," the avoidant may continue the relationship but will emotionally shut down, become critical of their partner/relationship, and even lose attraction, as a subconscious means to create emotional distance when triggered. The "discard" is an abrupt breakup, as if they simply and easily discarded/ghosted their partner, to avoid dealing with overwhelming emotions.

Take accountability for stonewalling your partner to the point of frustrating them and making them feel you don't trust them. For future reference, don't get in any romantic relationship if you can't open up and be vulnerable with them.

Sooooooo. She not supposed to be frustrated with someone that you can’t get to an end conclusion with…. Simple things can’t be solved without the others input your the other person.. it’s interesting have it’s safe enough to have sex and share fluids with a person but not enough to share feelings wild… if your that afraid heal first then get in a relationship otherwise your just breaking this poor lady down… she was wrong for cursing… but your dead wrong too

I don't understand why avoidants do this. "I don't trust my partner enough to open up to them, therefore I will push them so far over the edge to the point that they finally react in the way I'm afraid of, therefore fulfilling my self-inflicted prophecy, then blame them for enacting the scenario I created."

@@C737xbrjsame happening to me as an AP may I ask you pls my partner does exactly same thing to me and I am the always guilty one in the end bc i start arguments and fight bc i want connection which i dont get.Do you somehow do it purposely I would appreciate if you are honest bc I am lost with this thank you

Thats very toxic and damaging to recieving end. Glad you gain awareness thats the first step to healing.

I’m a DA who often leaves the door open for ppl to leave, they choose not to. I’m also very very avoidant so I rarely try to get in touch with ppl. I don’t ask anyone to carry the relationship or do any work they choose to. I’m very straight forward in communication, other people try to force me to feel/think differently. I hope that more people realize they don’t have to be with avoidants and if they do, stop focusing on making them into something they’re not. I’m not sensitive, I don’t need a lot of contact, but if you need something done/my expertise/or company most times I’m there

We don't really know at the time that it's treating anyone like trash, for one it's hard to imagine that you'd actually care and for two the fight or flight is so activated that all we can do is run away so we can breathe. It's like being under a heavy mattress or something. Just gotta get out. You don't worry about feelings when you feel like you're dying inside. Yes most of us are aware we have mental health issues. But I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything, I just think people will be happier if they understood their fellow humans better in general.

​@@sj3969pls dont date then... just be alone if you love yourself that much and value being alone that much

@@sj3969. I’m going to steal something I read in one of these comment sections: There are some inherent things that come with dating and relationships. Imagine if an astronaut went into space and declared, “wait a minute, I don’t like space suits, do I really have to wear one?”. It should be understood that wearing a space suit is part of the deal.

The narc will hoover after the discard. The DA will just ghost you as if you've never met.

​@@user-oe7ml1vl6x no, the DA returns after, again and again, also. They return after some time speaking when the intense fear of intimacy/being controlled/having the freedom limited dwindles. I was engaged to a DA and dated two others. I broke up with and have no feelings for my DA ex-fiancé (1st guy I dated), so he never ghosts now and I can't stop him from texting me, even by asking him to reduce contact, letting months go in between replies and giving only brief ones, etc.🙄 Now he wants to get back together, but if I actually took him up on his offer, he would run again. The others occasionally resurface. I should block them, but I feel mean blocking anyone who isn't outright abusive. The difference is that the narcissist is trying to inflict harm while the DA has an internal war and comes closer or runs away based on those fears. Both gaslight when you bring it to their attention. Feeling discarded by either feels the same and is equally as confusing and disoriented. When I read what survivors of narcissist say, it feels a lot like from my experience, though the intentions of the DA are different.

The Narc devalues you for weeks before which helps to make you feel even worse

The Narc devalues you for weeks before. Which makes it even worse.

Mine discarded- me 8months ago we have been in complete NC from Day 1. After a month they went ghost- like completely vanished off socials and everything- Around Month 6, suddenly they watching my stories like a movie - now it’s been a month of half of them just stalking me and not saying anything or liking anything/ they just watch- They confused ppl-