I was in a relationship with a man who told me he “loved” me all the time. But cheated on me and stole money and a bunch of other shit. The I love you’s are not everything!!! If he treats you good and you know it in your heart, keep him!!!!!!!!

It's not about expressions, she clearly doesn't feel loved by him.

Matthew looks so sympathetic and understanding. That's the best thing about him. He takes women very seriously and caringly, and who wouldn't love that? I feel great just listening to him talking even though I have no problem like the caller does. Thanks a lot Matthew :)

Sounds like he has a challenge with expressing emotions verbally. Be very careful in a relationship with a person who has challenges with expressing emotion or is emotionally closed off. You will feel unfulfilled in the relationship. Imagine 20 or even 50 years with this person guessing how they are feeling. No thank you! I've been there and it's really hard. My sympathies to anyone who is dealing with this.

My late husband was like this man.. he grew up in a non demonstative household. Never heard or told his mom the 'I love you "phrase . But they had a loving relationship. To the point I had to teach him to hug, but he showed me in his actions that he loved me.. It took years but eventually he would say "I love you " on a daily basis. He was a good man and a great husband.. the words didn't matter that much one I saw how he was raised.

Last night I saw video from Iyanla Vanzant called How to handle when someone you love doesn't love you back. She said this one thing, that really catch me. "People do what they do, the way they do it, based on who they are, and information that they have at the time. People are doing what they have learned. And maybe you are thinking that they are not loving you, but in truth this is the only way the know how to love. And it's not personal at all. It's not about them trying to hurt you, they just do what they know, how they know. You don't get to tell people how to love, or how to love you, you get to choose whether you want or not to participate in the way they are loving you back."

I asked "Do you love me?" after 11 months. The answer I got was "I care about you and I don't ever want to hurt you" 🤦🏼‍♀️ I broke it off.

“I need to know if you’re prepared to make this important to you, because it’s important to me”. That line could apply to any change you believe should be made in the way you’re treated, regardless of the relationship type being love or friendship. ✨Thank you Matt for existing

My boyfriend is as expressive as a rock. He says in his family they don't express their feelings. And it's true: they don't even say 'Good morning'. He doesn't do on purpose, it's just the way he is. The other night he took me to a restaurant he woudn't have picked in this life nor the other, and wore for the first time a shirt I'd bought for him 4 months before because he feels it's too posh for him. He did it out of love, obviously. He's not good with words and I am, and sometimes he's overwhelmed by my speech and I'm angry at the way he stumbles against sentences. But when I get to calm down I can tell he's pushing it hard to put down in actions what he can't put down in words. Like that time when he picked me from work and there were flowers on the seat and when I asked, he replied 'They're yours!' I said 'Thanks. There's no need for you to spend...' 'Yes, you need them, you like them'. Yesterday he said he liked my skin and would like to hold me in his arms until he fell asleep... it's not a proper 'I love you' but it came as close as he could. I totally understand the urge to listen to him saying 'I love you' out loud, but sometimes they say it in their own language and it wouldn't hurt for us to try and listen/watch/notice/acknowledge/recognize it.

"Words are nothing without actions.“ But I don't want random actions from my partner. I want commitment. I want him to say he believes in me out loud. It doesn't have to be specific words. I want to hear his commitment to our relationship. We all struggles with something and that's fine. Just commit.

ohh I really hate those unexpressive guys 😩😡😳

2 years he never said those words, he made compliments on me and I felt he appreciated me, but never those words came out of his mouth, I didn’t talk to him about this because I don’t want to feel like I have to ask for it. We broke up a week ago, but not because of this, but maybe related in some way.

Right in the beginning of my relationship with my partner (2007) he used to jump out of bed without giving me a kiss and cuddle first (we had different work starting times). I said I wanted a cuddle and a kiss before he left in the morning. He changed and after breakfast he'd come into the bedroom, stroke my back and face and kiss me tenderly on the cheeks and forehead like a child. It became a habit eventually. I was happy and he was happy that he made me happy. If a man is not prepared to alter his behaviour in such a simple way to make you so much happier (it sets me up for the day infact) then you should think hard about if he is right for you, and vice versa of course.

It's definitely worth working out your "Love language" because it helps you understand how to show you love someone in their way. To some people a gift would show love, but to others words of affirmation shows love. If someone fails to communicate their love in the right way , it expresses incompatibility because eventually the relationship becomes unfulfilling.

Before you tell someone you love them, make sure you're okay with them not feeling the same way and/or not saying it back.

Perhaps her boyfriend is from a family who shows love through action and not from saying " I love you" all the time. I find so many people just blurting out those 3 words without meaning it. If her boyfriend reaches for her hand or cooks her favorite dish or changes the oil in her car etc etc then he is loving her.

Is it just me or do all of the voice callers sound the same?

I can speak on his behalf that the environment that one was raised in definitely has an effect on how open one expresses their feelings vocally. Growing up, I've never even seen my parents as much as a hug or kiss in front of me. Now that I'm grown having my own relationships, I've been consistently told by my partner that they wished I was more affectionate. My point is that it might sound like an easy task, I get choked up when these types of words try to roll off my tongue, but it doesn't mean that I don't love them. As Mathew says, don't focus on just his words but look at the bigger picture to understand why he's not being expressive. Great advice as always!

Saying I love you in a relationship is a positive turn on. It reminds you of that pure mature / youthful love. It's like vitality, very healing, a powerful expression of words. When it is genuine it is better than silver and gold. When it aligns with your action it is a form of wealth. - Qutina - That helps create a healthy wholesome relationship

PEOPLE CAN CHANGE: I learned "sappy talk" from expressive exes. Now I need and want it! So with my bf, I use and ask him to use positive words: "Well done! Thank you. You make me so happy." If he uses negative words - "You always forget your stuff" - I first diffuse my anger, then explain how it makes me feel and what negative long term affects it might have; I might become a person who always loses stuff, instead of just twice. I like hearing compliments - REAL relevant ones like "I think you solved that really well", affirmations "I'm proud of you", consolations "Today was a bad day, but I know you can do it". Somehow these words make a relationship more than just a fuck buddy or a companion - it makes it a safe, wonderful place to be in, that motivates me to develop into my best self.

I was with someone for 2 years who constantly said he loved me through text and and also verbally. He also was a narcissistic, controlling alcoholic who constantly threatened to break up with me over trivial matters (ie I threw a banana peel into the yard once and this was unacceptable to him), told me I was fat and therefore sexually undesirable (I gained 5 pounds after my brother died from an OD), and kicked me out of his house at 1am because I asked him not to wear my flip flops (I had to drive 2 hours back to where I lived while I’m a crying mess). So now I think more carefully about what it means to hear it say “I love you”. But I understand Matthew’s point that not saying I love you can be more tied to someone not being very emotionally expressive. It’s just that there also needs to be some action behind the words. Great video!!

I thought it was so nice and cute she took her time to tell Matthew how much his content helped her in the past. It is such an important thing for people doing the "helper" job to feel like they are really touching and helping!

I think if someone doesn't say they love you: they don't generally speaking! If actions do speak louder than words some people may be excused, but if you directly ask someone and they don't say it, then clearly they don't! I agree with Matthew anyone who doesn't say it...will usually not show emotional expression in all other ways, and if you are in need of that feedback it would be a real deterrent to me! There are people who don't say it as a way of control...to make you want them more....but will still not say it. Again you need to leave this kind of person

Whenever someone calls Matthew, I listen to their problem and try to figure out what would MY advice be if I was in his place. But I never answer so well. I love the concept of giving people relationship/love advice and helping them in that way. I don't know if I have a certain gift or I just have a higher level of empathy/compassion/something, maybe it's my mom who is a great therapist, but people have the tendency to tell me their whole life story nearly always within hours of meeting me for the first time. At first I found it strange, but then I started embracing it and actually gave people advice and they always told me later that I was right and helped them. This is why I love to watch Matthew's videos. He has a huge gift for understanding and solving emotional problems within people that I admire. If you're reading this, Matthew, please know that to some, you are an inspiration, not only free online advice.

There are guys that can't say I love you to you because they think that it makes them less of a man if they become so expressive. Just observe his actions because love is more felt if it's expressed through actions than words that doesn't have meaning.

Matthew I like how you talk to your listeners with such kindness while getting to the crux of the issue.

My bf isn't expressive at all. It's hard to figure out what's going on in his head. He doesnt talk about romantic stuff or even say the words I love u. I think I've heard it like 4 times in a year n a half of our relationship. His actions though are loving and caring but he doesn't express himself verbally. And it is hard sometimes so totally get her. Need to have this conversation with him. Thank u Matthew Hussey. The only realistic person I know.

If he doesn’t say it, or somehow make her feel it, after she has told him she needs to hear it, the sad fact is that he probably does not love her. If he did love her but just felt awkward saying those words, he’d try to express it in different ways. Or he’d just learn to say it because she needs to hear it and he wants to make her happy. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to work on the issue. So she’s pretty much just a placeholder for him until he finds someone he likes better. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s often true. And she ended the call saying she’d been single for a long time before this relationship, so maybe she is settling too. This video was five years ago, so I hope she’s moved on to someone who can show her love without hesitation.

In this situation I can relate to the guy. I wasn't raised to be affectionate with my words so to me, saying things like 'I love you' 'I need you in my life' are so cringe worthy. I just struggle with expressing myself verbally. Everybody has different love languages. Some people need words of affirmation all the time, whereas with others, if someone is spending quality time with them and all of that, they don't need the words because the love is so apparent in their actions. I guess it's all about finding someone compatible with you, who understands you and is willing to accept you as you are. Or else problems like the one discussed in the video arise. Good advice Matthew!

Affection is vital in a relationship. By definition a relationship is affection surely!!!

Aww she sounded so sweet and heartfelt. Best of luck to her.

When I told him it's about what I need, he said I'm being selfish. Wanting to hear I love you often was me being selfish.

This hits me so hard because I just broke up with my boyfriend on Christmas eve because he is struggling to express his feelings. After 8 months I just couldn't take it anymore because it hurts when someone you really love couldn't show his feelings even though you know he loves you. He was very hurt as well but he let me go because he doesn't want to hurt me in the long run since he cannot give me what I need. It's just that he has a sucky family life and I just hate that it damaged him so much that he now doesn't know how to express his feelings to people he cares about.

Thank you Matthew, this was an eye opener for me..thank you for the caring and love

What a terrific response from Matthew!!!! This is a common problem I think. Thank you, Matthew!

Content keeps gets better and better. Love you Matt thank you!

I've been in a very loving relationship for over 2 years. Neither one of us has ever said "I Love You". AND- Both of us feel completely loved. It's about how you make someone feel, showing it... because words are often meaningless and over rated. My father never said I Love You- but he told me once that he would let me know the very moment he doesn't love me anymore. There was no need to say it because I already knew. I didn't need reassured by words, and I still don't. Words are cheap. Love is about how you make someone feel, not what you say to them.

At least her bf has said it. 18 months and not one I love you has me currently taking a step back from him

I'm having this conversation with him today. Thank you for your advice!

I love these call in videos! Always such great advice!!

Your explanation was spot on…the importance It is to certain people. Thank You!

some men have been brought up without being expressive... sometimes we have to show them how.... doesn't mean they are a lost cause.

That was really useful 😍 I did need it 💗 thanks Mathew

i needed this so bad. thank you so much, i cant wait to have this talk with my boyfriend later❤️

OH HELL NO! Why are we settling??, ALWAYS SETTLING, I see all these comments "actions are better than words", and let me tell you, NO!... if you like to hear it it's TOTALLY FINE, why do you have to choose actions OR words?, why not actions MEET words....if you don't mind him not saying it but proving it, FINE, if you need to listen to it WHILE he shows you...ALSO FINE.

Thank uuuu! This issue bothers me a lot before I saw your video. Lots as of love!

He doesn't say I love you because he doesn't love her, it's so simple

Your video’s always make me feel good! Thank you so much! Very helpful! Love you 😘 😘

great video, Matthew. I will have to use this at the end of the week. :-) Thanks

Don't pour your big love in a small recipient. I literally just had the same issue with a guy i started dating. It was only 3 months and it wasn't about him not saying I love you, but about him not being demonstrative and affectionate enough. I ve expressed him my emotional needs. He listened carefully and told me he got it, and knew he had an issue with that then few days later broke up wit me cause he felt like he couldn't make me happy long term. I'm glad he did I'm from a very tender family and im very tactile etc. Also im a very hot chick, and even thou I find him extremely attractive, he is not the standard of beauty, he's very insecure shy and modest when I complimented him. And I compliment people easily. He wouldn't compliment me, ever, I think as I am a pretty girl he probably thought I already know it and don't need to hear it, or I will become arrogant. He didn't understand that I wanted Him to look at me with desire and express it to me, and not all the random strangers around. It was the tale of the nerdy insecure introvert guy dating a swan, and her feeling like she was too much to handle and too needy. Not his fault, boys bc of their mommy issues identify affection with control, and instinctively try to escape it. But well I have decided to manage my own daddy issues, take care of my deep unhealed need of approval from external masculine source, to finally validate myself, not through what I project onto someone, but through what I accomplish. And find a partner that shares my need for true intimacy. Don't stay with someone who don't try to respond to your need

when I say that I love you I feel the cheesy...but sometimes it frighten to say I love you.... because once we say I love you...i love the reply. too it's an I love you the magic word is always lovely to hear from the someone you love... thank you for I can say this freely... I live to love now... I feel bad today but it's lovely to say I love you and i feel better now..

WOW! SAID SOOO WELL, head on!! Thank you! So honest

What about a man who says the words "I love you.", but acts with insensitivity, neglect and disrespect?

It seriously is beyond me why people are like this and why someone for example is even in a relationship with another person for a year or longer and never say I love you. You either care abt someone and have feelings for them and say I love you or why bother, especially with like a relationship for a year. If I don’t have feelings for another person and don’t see the future after around 6 months I’m finishing it, why be with someone and waste their time for a year or longer if you don’t want to express yourself Hate emotionally unavailable people

Mattew you are nice and kind to people and helping the world, God bless you whatever you doing to the world, 😘

he’s stringing her along.. so clear. she can hardly say the situation to Matthew, she’s not comfortable expressing her boundaries.. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ the relationship has no balance of power, rn the guy has all the power in the relationship.

I really needed to hear this ... my situation exactly.. i just need to know why.he can't/won't say it...and if he does or doesn't love me.. Thank you for this vid

ohh I love you Mathew! you have great conversations that makes me feel confident***

Thank you for being the transmitary source vessel for the universe for me 😘

I was married.for.25 yrs.to a very nice gentleman. I knew he loved me but.he didn't say it as much as I wanted to hear it. So I would ask him "Do.you.still love me ?" He would answer back " Oh yes". What.women need to understand.is this men are saying I love with everything they.do for.you. When he does.the shopping or takes.you car in for repairs. Men show love more then saying it.

Wow. I am surprised to see the less-than-empathetic comments on here. This caller put something out there that was vulnerable for her, which is probably very uncomfortable, hence the um's someone was referring to. I would encourage everyone to think about what it would be like to be publicly vulnerable n then think about what kinds of comments you would hope to see. Good for you for being brave, Molly! I totally agree w Matt on this one. Great to broach the subject n honor what you personally want but usually is indicative of deeper attachment style issues from his family culture...

I love your hair in this video Matthew!! Xx

Great advice matthew!!! Thank you

I love your opinions, thoughts and your voice 👏👏👏👏

this issue happens a lot to many couples. i was dumped by my ex for because i wasnt able to express my feelings and wasnt able to tell him i loved him. he said it first and i never said it once. so he told me he feels unapppreciated which i understand. bt i was also brought up in a family that doesnt express their emotions openly and theres always so many disagreements in my family and noone in my family ever tell each other 'I LOVE YOU'. i still dont know how to express my love to sb bt im working on it.

Matthew hits it out of the ball park again!

i am in this situation ! :(

Thank you Matthew! Being around you safes my life !

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year now with someone who is very closed off and has not said 'I love you'. I am a very expressive person so I need that, I need someone to tell me they miss me, and they think I look beautiful (not to sound conceited) But he is not very expressive at all. We have spoken about it, and he just says I need to be patient with him.I can see he tries, and I see how he struggles. But he will say that he does not know how he feels about me and our relationship because it's long distance(even though he insisted we do this) he says his heart has been broken so many times that it is very difficult for him to even feel anything. He says he wants to be with me and he is committed, and I trust him. But, it's difficult when you fall for someone who feels the way he does. I want to be with him, I just want him to be able to state the same urge. Any advice?

That's exactly the possition I'm in. He always thinks I'm overreacting and that this is not such a big deal.... But I just don't feel loved. Not only that he doesn't tell me that he loves me, but he's also not very affectionate... No compliments, he doesn't like kissing and hugs. Like... Is that even a relationship at this point? Plus, I'm a very affectionate person so it's very hard for me...😅 🥺

You are amazing ! New subscriber xx

I really needed this video.

How do you know if your standards are too high? Where do you draw the line between nitpicking and upholding your standards?

Wawwww this is great advice .well said.

My boyfriend is like that too but in his defence he did told me early in the relationship how in his family is not a common thing to express his affection and I can really see it. But he actually makes me feel loved and super caring of me. I was brought up with a really loving family and he admires that. We been together 9 months and I've notice he almost say it at times but he just doesn't I find it really strange because he's starting to talk about a future being together and I feel awkward about it because how can I talk about a future if he haven't told me that he loves me. He has probably said it once or twice but in Spanish and I told him that doesn't count so idk if I maybe got him afraid to say it or what. He does sometimes tell me "sorry for being a bit cold with you and it's difficult for me to show affection" but my problem is that I find myself often thinking "are we really going to last if I feel like I can't tell him that I love him" I'm waiting for him so I don't push it

great advice there

This an excellent coach.

Four years later I am watching this and learn how to deal with this.

Hey people in the comment, stop bragging about how your unexpressive's SO's actions are enough for you to feel loved : past trauma or just preference can make her want some verbal reassurance. There is *nothing* wrong with that tiny request she gives him (not even a demand) in the context of a healthy relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

Actions speak louder than words!

My guy said it's just not something he grew up hearing or experiencing so it's just harder for him to express himself like that, he shows me he just doesn't say it

this January, I'll have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. neither of us have said "I love you". i was raised by parents who hated each other, the only affection i saw was my grandparents and aunts and uncles. my boyfriends mom says love you every time they get off the phone with each other...I have never heard him say it back. the only time I've seen him say anything was to his female best friend. and it was "you too" SO we both clearly have issues :p I have been tempted to ask just ask "do you love me" but i havent because I'm scared of what his response will be, and I am scared to tell him I love him for the same reason. he is terrible at expressing feelings and I try my best to express mine. I'm just sharing what my situation is haha

Matthew is that unicorn that makes me believe in love 🥰

Thank you thank you thank you 🙏🏼

I hate saying "I love you" and I hate it being said to me. I think people say it too easily and too soon and it is a cliche. When I hear it, I'm immediately suspicious.

Love language is different for everyone. Some men do acts of kindness instead of talking.

My Ex had never said I love you after 4 years until I just had to blab it out . He mentioned that he was pleased but he didnt really say it back, he said he appreciated it. We went on another 4 year and a half. Then we broke up. Omg my ex wasnt really complimentary but I just didnt understand why, but he was still with me. I spoke to him about it and he said if I feels like I'm not the man for him then he doesn't know what to say or do. This disappointed me because his response was not to see how we can maybe incorporate or see how we can resolve this matter it was about the overall relationship, he took it so personal. Which I found very confusing because I'm very gentle wes h ed n it comes to my relationships and enjoy listening where there might be a issue.

I know this is old but I'm going through almost the same thing. Bf and I together almost two years, I said it first in a letter. His reaction was to say he could admit he was falling for me but wanted the first time saying it to be face to face. That was around six months in. A few months after that I went to spend my birthday weekend with him (long distance relationship..300 miles) and I worked up my courage to say it to him before I left and got "Awww". I've said it a couple times since with no response but have since stopped because I feel pretty rejected. He isn't very romantic or affectionate. He works from home on the computer and is always busy. I only see him every few months, if I'm lucky- we've gone 5 months between visits. We had a talk around a year and he said that if he didn't see a furture for us he would tell me. He knows how I feel because I have no fear communicating. I'm just not sure how long is too long to wait.. It's made me feel like there is something wrong with me. How can he be with me for two years and not love me?? In the beginning I asked all these questions; about his willingness to relocate, the need for honesty and communication, his views on marriage etc. I thought I was being smart but I guess a person can say whatever they think you want to hear. Just feel like my heart is caught on a snag and I'm starting to resent the hell out of him. Help!

It's been over a year now and my boyfriend still hasn't said "I love you". I've heard him say it to his mom and brother without hesitation. His dad passed several years ago and he got the words "with deepest love" tattooed over his heart in memory of his dad. It makes me think that maybe the word love holds a lot of gravity to him and is something he wants to be cautious about using unless he's absolutely sure.

I wish I knew what books Matthew read, or where he attains his knowledge from, I wanna know how he got so socially/emotionally intelligent..

I have a guy who can’t express anything won’t say love or miss me.. little to no sex We talk about it he says he doesn’t want to loose me and will try but nothing improved Almost 6 yrs in this and he’s more like a pal than my live in boyfriend It’s depressing

Don't even listen or expect a guy to say it. It's liberating. Everyone is different. It's also fun to look at how they show it. Or even ask how they show love. I know my boyfriend was interested how I showed my love for him as I told him I loved him pretty out of the blue. He asked how do I show love. I said a couple of things and then it's a surprise! It's long distant. It's 3 words. It's only 3 words. Maybe he compliments you in other ways and you can interpret it in his own way. I've never been with someone who is not expressive of their feelings. I have also asked do you know that I love you and they say yes then they ask do you for me and then it agreed. Maybe he has issues with those words. Who knows? Maybe he doesn't even comprehend what you want?

I'm 46, been divorced for almost 7 yrs. and finally got up the courage to date someone 3 yrs. ago. He has been wonderful for the most part. Never married, no children yet he treats my two daughters wonderfully, he's 48, has a great career, but he has said, "I love you" maybe a total of 4 times in three years. He has been very happy, yet when he is mad, like today...he claims he doesn't know if he wants to "keep me around", because he's really only been 10% happy...because he's tried very hard to put up with me. I'm very tender hearted, I cry when I'm happy or sad, and I've always been the never would hurt a fly type. It hurts so badly that when I say one thing wrong or misunderstand one thing, he goes straight to needing "peace in his life" or "a break from the burden I put on him"...while questioning, "Why can't you just learn what ticks me off and change?" I finally let my heart open again and this is truly killing me, because I don't want to "die alone", yet I don't trust dating anymore if he ends it again. I don't want to be a burden.

I said I love you, to a guy i was dating around 5/6 months and he acted shocked. Didn't say it back. If that happens, it's over girl. I knew the moment I met him, I cared deeply for him. You either love or you don't. There is no in between

Man do you have a gift!

For 10 years, i dated a man who always say he loved me, needed me, im his everything, until we broke up. And now im dating a man who cant even say i love u.. everytime i ask him, "do u love me" the answer always "u know we wont having this conversation if im not"....😭 something is missing because for 10 years i always hear " iloveyou" even without im asking first... and now... he is like avoid those kind of conversation... I MISS MY EX 😢

I love this guy

its annoying when he does everything for u,I mean he's always there,takes u as a priority but won't say I love you....to be honest I'm stuck with this same lover who calls himself best friend. its drives me nuts

Wow he's good.

Ladies if he’s not saying it then he’s not feeling it. Stop wasting your time on these men that are not into you . Move on .