Unfortunately society does this too. Look at how people react when someone goes to prison, shoots up a school or even wins awards. They always examine the parental impact. We hear family members say things like "I always knew he'd have issues", or "the apple didn't fall far from THAT tree"

​@@erinsuzy613 because family trauma is real. it's not true all the time that it's the parents fault but it's not some urban myth, obviously whatever the parent does, positive or negative, it will shape the world of the child

It is true that parents see their children as an extension. I'm a parent of two boys and I try not to see my sons as an extension of myself or of my husband as I have seen so many parents make their children an extension of themselves. So for my boys, All I want is for them to be safe, happy young men later in life. My oldest son has a major speech delay. He may have autism or ADHD (as I have ADHD) but we're helping him with it and trying to get him diagnosed. Well.. his extended family deems him as a very beautiful looking boy but not intelligent because of his delay and asked me if I feel disappointed or upset about it. To which I said "I don't care to much about how smart they are or how good looking they are. All I care about is that they're happy and good hearted men in this life."

Yes! My mum's version of this was to tell me repeatedly that I would look so much better if I lost half a stone. It took me ages to realise that she was saying this to herself... except in real life she WAS actually saying this to me, which obviously did plenty of damage. It takes a secure, well-integrated parent to let their children be who they are. Mine, sadly, were not.

That's a really interesting perspective! It's true that parents often feel a strong sense of responsibility for their children's actions. It can be challenging for them to strike a balance between protecting their child and allowing them to learn from their own experiences. Communication and understanding are key in navigating these complex dynamics. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Lol, true story.

That's about 85 percent of us😂

here is a good one Kevin Smith did recently kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gKimlpp_3prNhZ8.html

Everyone is traumatized by what their parents did and didn't do. Everyone's parents were too.

Not just this but every video in this parent series

That’s so good there’s the internet around for those who wish to bring up more psychologically healthy children. I believe, trying to make up for the mistakes of your parents with your own child is a story as old as time, but one doesn’t always know how. Like my mother was gentle and affectionate towards me as opposed to her own mom, but she didn’t know how to deal with control issues and the feeling of helplessness when she can’t control everything and messed me up badly anyway. The availability of knowledge would have helped a lot. But I am still baffled by young parents that don’t research healthy parenting now.

That's so inspiring to hear! Breaking the cycle of toxic parenting and working on yourself to be a better parent is truly commendable. Your kids are lucky to have you! Keep up the great work! 🌟 #ParentingGoals #SelfImprovement

That’s so f@cked up. Your mother definitely needs to see a therapist about her deep insecurities. And I’m happy for the fact that therapy is helping you heal from all of this.

My narcissistic mother is exactly the same.....she repeatedly tells me that doing a PhD means nothing.....and that I am a complete failure becuz I am single......whereas when I was younger...she constantly pushed me to pursue education/career.....basically I could be an astronaut or a noble prize winner and she will still find a way to humiliate and disgrace me......she really enjoys seeing me fail and in depression....

Ahh, that'so so sad - but clearly your mother (and father) has issues, not you. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Not your fault at all. Use your talents and skills to buid a better life for yourself ans pull back from your parents, on and congratulations on geting your PhD!!

Sounds a lot like a toxic and possessive mother to me. She arguably keeps you tripped up and on your toes because as long as you are confused, she can control you. If you set up your life with strong foundational goals and security and planning for the future, she wont have control over you. You also need to recognize the difference between what is malicious and what is truly encouraging and helpful. It appears that your mother does not want you becoming a strong young man that lives life on his own by his own rules and also no longer needs the approval of his mother. A young man that has a bright future ahead of him and has the life skills to take on life challenges but can also recognize the truth from lies is a very attractive young man to young women that would court with you for a relationship. Your mother does not want this happening, so she sabotages you and confuses you so that you can remain hers and not have a future wife. She wants her son all to herself, which in my opinion only terrible mothers do this to their sons. Good mothers want their sons to become productive in society and develop life skills so that they can go out in the world and attract young women to become their wives and have a family with the intent to make GRAND CHILDREN!!!. This is what a mother should want, not sabotage the future family of their sons for their own loneliness as they age. In my opinion this is what your mom is doing. She is sabotaging your future so that you cant truly "cut the cord" and start your own family, because once you start your own family, she will no longer have influence over you and spend much less time with you. your future wife will get all of your time as her husband. Your mother can not handle that kind of competition over her "possession". kzfaq.info/get/bejne/obinn5l9vNDXgaM.html

@@samirakhaliq5512 I am very sorry to hear that. I hope you find a way to heal yourself, or even better, with someone who understands you and doesn't judge you. I am blessed to have plenty of those kinds of people now, and I do therapy. It helps to keep in mind that the opinion of your mother is just an opinion, and everyone has the right to a wrong opinion. :)

Same and same ❤

Good to get a diagnosis? Where I live, we don't have PTSD, just pain and resentment.

You were very fortunate to have one loving parent. 🙂

Same here, but God gave me the grace to understand that I love being the person I've become and the family I've built. I wouldn't be the same without having gone through what I went through, so I truly forgave my father and move on with my life in peace.

Well said

yeah it is day 1 ... i feel alright instead of going back to that something im not

THIS!!! If I could like this comment a 1000 times I would!

🫡🧡💪🏽✅

You have quite the way with words, Doodoo Poop.

I do agree from my own experience. But you also learn from your parents and how they raised you. For instance, I learned you should not beat your toddler for having a bad dream or being sick and that you should not disparage, humiliate or crush their soul at every available opportunity.

Thank you for this comment. I feel like it mirrors my own experience

I also had this. So so painful.

Is sounds like you were subjected to neglect, and I am sorry to hear that you had to grow up in that way

You as a person matter to the world 😊

Yeah I was surprised that that one wasn't there also.

Right. Pretty important oversight. Nothing one does is enough is so common

@@VioletEmerald I agree it’s definitely a category of parenting, but it the title of this video is “what parents made you do for love” or similar, not “types of parents”. I just mean to say, these are the options to secure love. The 4th option doesn’t result in receiving love and that’s why it doesn’t belong in this specific video :) I think they address it in others though

Well said friend.

I too, am a former child.

I just explained to my boyfriend that I’m not codependent I love being alone but I do need love to self actualize I explained that I don’t have anyone providing me with that love and how my life is better with a partner who cares.

I get what the teacher was saying, because in many cases the mistakes of parents come from being inexperienced, but still love their children very much(they also just go by what they have seen their parents do many times, which wasn’t always the right thing to do). But unfortunately there truly are parents who did not want a child, but ended up with one anyway, and they can’t feel love for them but feel resentment instead. Which is not the child’s fault. A baby is never at fault for existing. You were not unlovable. It was a lack on your parents part. This is why I love inner child work. You can be the “parent” of your child self, and show it the love your parents failed to give. There is very little, if nothing, we can do to change our parents’ behavior, but we can always get even better love from many other places.

I had a teacher do something similar to our class in third grade and insisting our parents loved us, I think the absolute puzzled and gobsmacked look I gave her is why she held me back for recess that day and had a chat with me. She was the first adult to see and verbalize what I couldn't, that everything wasn't okay at home, sometimes our parents best just isn't enough and to remember that school is mostly a safe place and that teachers can be substitute parents. If not for the loving guidance of many teachers over many years in school, I would have turned out to be a very closed off, violent human being who lacked empathy tolerance and understanding for myself and others. The empathy training that many teachers unknowingly gave me led me down a career path of being a professional Nanny who study Early Childhood Development and Psychology. Not only to re-parent myself but do make sure I was going forward with all the right knowledge and tools to professionally raise toddlers into empathetic human beings. To all the teachers out there, thank you!!!

I'm truly grateful that my father had me baptized and taught me the Christian faith. God is a loving Father, and His Son shows us that obedience need not be out of fear, but can understand command as love.

im so proud that you found comfort in God, from what I've learnt as someone who grew up with type 2 parents, God is the only parent who truly gives you the love you wish you got as a child.

Have you ever read the book, "The Body Keeps the Score"? I think you would find it incredibly useful, and at the very least, insightful.

@@BasedRanger yes, many times. "When The Body Says No", is also good.

Did you graduate college??

​@@David-zl3bi yes, I did.

sad story.... sorry it happened to you, hope you find the strength to move past it

Thank you for sharing . I used to watch my family members with beautiful children that happen to be neurodivergent . Under "normal" (nothing is normal btw) circumstances parents don't have a handbook, but my family members create their own handbook everyday . No child is the same just as we as parents are not all the same. With that being said , I really hope the creators see you comment. Its valuable for all of us to see it for understanding and clarity as well maybe open our eyes on ways to support. Bless you.

Parenting a neurodivergent child can be a formidable challenge, and I can really empathize with feeling like a failure trying to handle it sometimes. I used to teach classes with several challenging neurodivergent kids before going to grad school for psychological anthropology, and sometimes I would go home and cry because I felt that sense of failure too. Some insights from my grad training: By studying how early childhood experiences affect people throughout their lives, the whole field of psychoanalysis (which this channel pulls from heavily) can seem like it's suggesting that people can only become healthy adults through a *perfect* childhood, and especially a *perfect* relationship with their mother. In reality, the actual psychological literature does not suggest that a child's needs or desires need to be met by their parents 100% of the time to produce a healthy human--just consistently enough that the kid can develop a general sense of security. A famous psychoanalyst in the 50s and 60s, Donald Winnicott, actually published a paper on this popular misrepresentation of psychoanalytic studies in popular media/discourse, and suggested that researchers start framing their work around an idea of a "Good Enough Mother," making it less about pushing for ever-more attentive care, and more about meeting a child's needs effectively enough to support healthy development. Winnicott actually argued that when kids reach the toddler stage and after, mothers refusing some of their childrens' bids for attention because they are tired or overwhelmed is actually excellent for empathy development in the child. It's an opportunity to come to understand their mother as a separate human with her own needs, which is true and valid observation. The "you don't have to do anything to deserve my attention" kind of love comes from consistency in the infancy stage and generally responsive parenting in childhood--healthy refusal and parental overwhelm included. This channel does some things really well, but consistently makes this mis-step of not emphasizing or clarifying the "Good Enough" frame. I don't know you, but the fact that you're trying your absolute best and are still concerned would suggest to me that you're probably making it over the "Good Enough" line, and likely by a margin.

@@kristinbuhrow2942 You are very kind. Do you know of any books or papers that go into the “good enough” model in more detail? This channel actually did touch on it one time (but only once). None of my friends have children of any kind and my parents find our child a bit intimidating, even if they don’t say it, so I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice or just to let off steam. I hate the online forums too they are exclusively ranting. I have enough challenges of my own without being bombarded by everyone else’s too, especially when they never follow up with advice or a solution.

@@caitlinpenny7412 I want to add that there is even a school of thought that says "perfect" parenting is bad for your child (as in 100% reliable responsiveness, doing everything right, always being there, no "off" days)... this isn't about the very early infant stage though. Consistency is key there.

@Caitlin Penny I have an Autistic child (actually he’s 28 now and runs his own business, and to boot, everyone likes him!). Please find information from Autistic adults rather than medical models and non-autistic led sources. There are plenty of these online and on KZfaq. I recommend The Thought Spot, Kirsty Forbes and Aucademy on KZfaq. Steer clear of Simon Baron-Cohen and Autism Speaks. Please don’t become an ‘autism mom’.

Very rare to be able to express "true emotions" in front of parents. They don't want that and they would not know what to do with the information. We overestimate our parents. Most of them are just rubbish parents.

Neglect and Abuse wait those aren’t types of love shit

I think for me it would be: to try. My issue with the first kind of love is that they risk developing into entitled individuals; individuals who believe they don't need to do anything to get what they want. I will love my child who tries to open a jar of cookies. If he can; great. If he isn't strong enough, I'll help (and perhaps teach him tricks and instill reasons why he should want to try to become stronger); but at least he tried. Also, I think it is important to teach children the satisfaction of overcoming challenges. I think unconditional love means loving regardless if they succeed or fail. But at least you need to try and exert a degree of effort.

​​@@auliaaliyev4759t doesn't mean you don't discipline the child or that you are too soft. It means that the love is not conditional on them achieving something. They are loved regardless of outcomes. Entitlement comes from spoiling a child, not setting boundaries and being weak or not present as a parent. I don't think entitlement comes from a kid knowing they are unconditionally loved.

İf ı share, do you can solve ? What's your recommendation?

role model, guidance and unconditional love

You're a good person. Believe in yourself.

“The entire world revolves around her happiness and sadness.” Nothing would describe my childhood perfectly than those words. Thank you for sharing, i hope we can survive this, and be kind to ourselves 🤍

Maybe it was just a way of being parents 2 and 3. The intensity of emotions or lack of them in your case it’s what makes the child believe it doesn’t matter anyway.

And it can be released as an adult. With a lot of work. I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to use that cliche 😅 I cried out a lot, which seemed scary at first, but man, was it worth it. I don’t even have to think about picking the right people in my life anymore, I just gravitate towards people with more healthier mindsets.

U can say that again

Being ‘timely’ or ‘timeless’ amounts to the same thing

@@theschooloflifetv Haha definitely!

Then don’t have children.

Don't even try. Validate yourself in the way that is meaningful to you. Your parents cannot give you the acceptance and love that you long for. They are just not that good as people. Give it up. Focus on being You.

no one is doomed to constant pain. life is meant to be lived. somehow, you have to find the small door that will set you free. you will become independent again, you will accept love.

@@beegeesquirrel9010 if only I agreed with you

True. Though having mixed expectations for the child to both fail and succeed ultimately has the same effect, I think: Learnt Helplessness through the experience that nothing you do will ever be right, or matter. In the case of apathy, there's no hope to be seen nor loved; it'll lead to either self-neglect or a chaotic, avoidant, underdeveloped attachment style.

I know exactly what you mean. I used to feel that way until I met Benjamin Alford. He introduced me to an organization that helped me find my purpose and passion in life. I can't say too much about it.

Bravo You!!!

So now show that love to other less fortunate soul in the world, that would be the morally correct thing to do since you were so "blessed" and thus now have so much to give as a happy consequence.

@@Ice.muffin Giving love is not about grand, showy gestures. It doesn't take a lot of time, effort or money to offer love and affection. Quite the opposite, in fact. It's actually a slow and steady process that's more about consistency and dependability. People should learn to behave socially. Good manners are very essential in life as they help us to behave well in society. They say SMILE is the shortest distance between two people. It's true !

@@nilighosh158 Where, but like very seriously where, did I say anything at all about "grandiose", flashy way of showing love to others, that wouldn't even be love but the desire to be noticed. We happen to be on the same page about the way we see love, it still baffles me where you'd get the idea I said anything like that.

@@Ice.muffin You're baffled. Well, I was shocked. Remember ! Please leave me alone. As I said reiterating that people need to behave properly. How you treat people is the only thing that matters. ' No matter how educated,talented,rich or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells all ' Period.

@@Ice.muffin Another thing you need not have to lecture me to whom I should show love. Giving love is every bit as critical as receiving it in our quest for happiness.

You can take these steps now. By that I mean try living. You deserve to live.

You're not sure what your caregiver(s) expected of you?

Your father is a major league Ar*ehole, drowning his pain in alcohol. He loves drink more than anybody, because it's the only way he can self-soothe. Escape while you can. You are worth it. Respect to you.

Oh. That's my Mom. To this day I have to be wrong somehow, for her to be right. Being right is all that matters to her. I was a very good student, and I have my school records to prove it. But she'll deny it. Unfortunately, a lot if this was I believe because my sister wasn't great at school at first. So I must always be wrong and less intelligent. My interests are wrong (history? Film?). My jokes aren't funny. I don't remember what I remember. She's only happy when I have literally fallen, so she can call me klutz (yet I was a gymnast and practice yoga). I can't just be having a bad day. I must have a Personality Disorder, though I've never had that diagnosis. I can't be angry without being dramatic or too sensitive. My Father was very proud of me, perhaps a bit pushy on the academics, but he actually would ask me questions and listen to what I said, and ask me more. He was a teacher, and a well-loved one. But when he died, all balance in my life disappeared. When I married a man who ended up with alcohol and drug issues and who physically abused me, she blamed me for causing her stress. My sister has grown up with such disdain for me it's very hurtful. I cannot say "Wow! I'm so jealous you're going to X place!" Because they think I'm eaten up with hatred. They don't share positive news, or much negative. I learn about my sister from her husbands Facebook posts. I actually have an Academy Award for my thesis film, and I brought my Mom and sister to LA with me for the ceremony. But it doesn't matter. I'm wrong. Always. That's how they live with themselves. Neat trick huh?

@@JLakis it's painful, of course but at the end one gets to understand that meaningful people throughout our lives arent strictly family, my father got betrayed with a business he owned for 15 years by her own sister, in a few words she stole the entire business, when I was like 16 years old, we went close to be living on the streets, thanks God my father could get out of that nightmare but I dropped out of college to help him grew a business. So it's extremely clear for me that some friends are way way more supportive and loving than our own relatives but somehow we "force" ourselves to stick to family even if they're toxic. I am grateful to God that I have extremely good parents and beyond supporting friends. I am now a 28yo man, and have never had a girlfriend in my life part because of my insecurities and other half being that I don't want to ever be betrayed... but that's another story. To conclude, stick with people than matter and ditch the ones that don't, don't hesitate, follow your heart.

@@danielorozco1728 Wow. That's unbelievable. I'm so sorry. But your Dad sounds like a good man. I've learned how to have some relationship with my family. But it took a long time. I hope you don't get too upset about the relationship thing. After my divorce, I reconnected with a very old, dear friend, and we've been together for a decade now. He's a truly good man. His father was a terrible abusive drunk, and he had his problems for a long time, too. But I guess when we were both ready, it happened. The extra good news is that I don't count the years I spent with my X on my age. Because, as my Dad used to say, "You don't call that living, do you?" It's when you begin to find the strength within you, and take off the armor on the outside that you will begin to truly live. Like Darth Vader. At the end, the armor came off, and he was a human being again after finding the strength within himself to act out of love and not hatred or fear. I hope the best for you. And that your relationship with whatever you call God will help you to learn to trust and feel lovable again. Big Brother Jesus is always there waiting for us to call.