Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

She was so unavailable I had no choice than to implement NC. She gave me no special priority despite our love history (or my perception of it). We are long distance. She failed to keep in touch as promised. She is displaying manipulative behavior (hoovering) and trait psychopathy. She was giving me the silent treatment. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't in terms of NC and need to protect myself. Every Day in NC is better than reaching out and getting ignored and retriggered. Love hurts folks!

my experience is that it's better to go no contact with an emotionally manipulative and abusive person so that you can clear your mind over time from the brainwashing and get back to a state of self worth and self esteem. thank you alan for your work!

absolutely correct. im a trauma therapist and psychologist and l cannot tell you how many amateur online forums aggressively force no contact causing much long term damage to trauma survivors who follow their advice. many such online groups will block you if you speak of alternatives such as conscious contact, connectedness, conscious flexible boundary management, integration and encompassment, unconditional contact etc etc. ive faced much harrassment for speaking on these topics that are so important for trauma survivors.

I was shocked to hear you explain what I’ve been feeling, I didn’t understand and didn’t realize others go through this. I’m not crazy, have not heard anyone address these very real emotions, physical panic and anxiety symptoms, and having driven by the house to relieve that pain (I felt ashamed at myself for feeling so desperate). Thank you for making me understand so I can work on myself knowing now what is going on. 🙏

I'm dealing with a break up, and my ex and I decided to remain friends, it was and still very difficult and sometimes painful for me to let go but it was a lot of help to stay in contact with him. Even though all of my friends said, no contact is better, I felt that it would be better to keep in touch, to close a circle in my life. Now I'm very far away from him and it makes me feel happy when he calls or chats with me. I know that we won't come back because of several differences, but I'm glad to still have him in my life as a friend.

This is so true when you get your mind back your self esteem back and your heart back you get your power back therefore they don't have your power no more they don't have your confidence no more they can't suck the life out of you anymore they can't squeeze negative emotions out of you anymore and that's a beautiful thing and yes you can go no contact in your mind you can be around them you can even talk to them but you know your boundaries now you refuse to let them ever cross your boundaries ever again the main thing get your boundaries up get yourself back watch and pray and ask the most high God to give you strength I saw my ex 5 months later and nothing moved in me I was able to greet him speak to him hug him and embrace him and told him well nice seeing you good bye he wanted to take me out to dinner I told him I couldn't Have a good day and I walked off I felt great praise God Almighty God gave me the strength to walk away

I do agree that no contact has been exploited by the narcissist industry rather than be used as a self protective measure against genuine threats to a person. It’s often used as a way to avoid mature communication/avoidance of problems that are part of life.

Everything you said about the primal panic was absolutely spot on. I had this after my boyfriend broke up with me and I sent a whole bunch of desperate texts begging him to talk to me and he ignored me and I felt so suicidal. He hasn't spoken to me at all since. I still feel traumatised over it, I still feel that panic of not speaking to him and it's making it impossible to move on. I go crazy in my head trying to understand why he didn't reply and telling myself it's because he never loved me, or because he's evil, trying on all these different ideas and I can't seem to just settle and let it go. Even typing this out brings me to tears, I'm so exhausted. I wish he would speak to me just so I could at least know the love was real, but I don't want the anxiety of reaching out and not getting a response.

I really like how nuanced and layered your advice is.

God bless you man. I 've been punished by no contact a few times, and whenever i ve spoken against it, people usually see it as a weakness "No, don't back up, don't humiliate yourself by calling her,, you gotta stick to no contact blah blah". Very few understand that some people need controlled contact to heal. I hate no contact cause when I don't talk to the person i am thinking about, i end up making up all these stories and assumptions that are actually not true, but they become my demons and kinda haunt me for months, or even years. I ve found that when i do have controlled contact once in a while, the air clears up, the reality of the situation and the reality of the other person becomes obvious and i become healthier and happier and more ready to move on with my life.

I completely agree with this because when i tried to go no contact it caused severe anxiety and confusion in me.. the guily and shame and feeling like i had made the wrong decision or that was now going to create more problems ... I feel like breaking up with someone or dissolving a relationship you have been in for years takes time. . It takes time to truly feel emotionally ok to not speak to them or talk to them... and sometimes reconnecting with them can be the information you need to know that u dont want to continue the relationship.. otherwise you always will feel like maybe it would have been different... when u let youself have real experience you have real information to go off of...

I am reliving my whole life through these videos and crying over and over. Where were you 30 years ago? 🤪

No contact to me helps one break the connection. People will look for an excuse to reach out instead of processing the emotions and letting go.

Alan, you are absolutely right on this painful, gut wrenching situation. Observing my ex since the breakup, allowed me to see a variety of perspectives; more information to draw from,.. Knowledge is power you know. It calmed my dark emotions, sick imagination, grief and eased my mind looping. Thank you very much for bringing forth your professional opinion on "no contact". I was exhausted from trying to stay "no contact". I needed to see with my own two eyes. I can't heal until I "understand" and Feel it true. It has to make sense to my brain, and then the pain dissipates in my heart-- then I can move on.

Primal panic is where I am now..... emotional betrayal is enormous... he betrayed me severely. I won’t be able to trust a man again Thank you Alan- you are amazing x

I think I get the "benefit of the tool" of the sometimes necessary conscious contact. For me? It just kept me sick. I was a love addict , primarily, because I had no concept of boundaries. I needed to learn how to draw a hard and fast one and ENFORCE it. That being said, it CAN be a worse shock to the system. I guess we have to learn to do what does the least amount of damage. In my case, it hurt worse, short term, but helped, in the long run, overall, to be NO CONTACT. I think people should do whatever makes them feel less suicidal, based on the posts I've read here.

Thanks for the wise attitude.I experienced the trauma of "no contact" and intuitively cured myself by mindfull contact.

Perfect timing. I just pulled the no contact trigger over the past week. It’s the right thing for me. In my case, he had already cut off most contact with me, and that was driving me crazy. I was acting inappropriately and sending inappropriate texts because of my own panic. That’s when I decided that I had to go no contact. In AA they say SLIP is an acronym for “sobriety losing its place.” In al-anon we say “serenity losing its place.” That’s how I felt. In order to get my serenity back I needed to go no contact.

There’s some great points made here. I grew up and lived in a big city till my late 20’s. Often, I would never lay eyes again on a boyfriend, after we broke up. Now, after living in a small town for more than 25 years, I’d say it’s been extremely helpful to have to keep seeing old lovers. We learn to accept change, to get over the past and reorient ourselves to each other. That’s true of other types of relationships that have hit bumby roads, as well. We find ways to live peacefully amidst each other, despite disagreements or past painful interactions. Acceptance. Forgiveness. And not uncommonly, forgetting! Continued exposure to people, day in and out, actually causes my mind to forget some of the older chapters in a relationship and I’m just present with them today.

For me it is less the rejection but more the way it was executed. He looked at me in disgust and discarded me days after telling me what an amazing girlfriend I was. It just blew my mind and threw me into a state of absolute desperation. The idea that I was set up to fail is so hurtful to me that I still have to get to the bottom of it.

I'd not heard the term Primal Panic before. That's a perfect way to describe it! Feels like I'm going to die in that state, and like the only thing that will help is contact. And it's staggering how contact can instantly calm my nervous system dramatically. It feels like being a heroin addict and shooting up and getting so much relief... Until being back in contact is so painful again that I feel like I have to get away! And back and forth in that vicious cycle. Thank you for normalizing and explaining my experience. It helps to know it's not just me and that it makes sense. I feel like most people don't understand how extreme it is or how hard it is to stay away. And then I feel ashamed. I love that you reframe "live addiction" as attachment trauma. So much less shaming. Hard to know which is less traumatic: contact or no contact!

I really appreciate this info... I had been in several months NC, successfully, and it seemed to be going pretty well. Even in early stages of seeing someone new. But a rough personal event last week, realizing new person might not work out, then coming across prior person's just reinstated dating profile produced a far stronger reaction than I expected. Last night I might have convinced myself I should text etc... But I leaned into the emotions and was able to access some early childhood (emotional) abandonment trauma I had never really been able to touch before. And as you so wisely put it, the stuff with last partner is really about that childhood stuff and not about them. Dug into it pretty deeply, did a lot of crying and shaking, feeling a really great sense of catharsis today. Not done with it, but now in touch with it and moving through it. And I have pros that can help me. Thanks for your perspective!

I've known the "origin" for almost 40 years and I still go through the same thing in my relationships... I'm soooooo tired of going through the same trauma over and over...

I am a person who learned about no contact through youtube videos and had to go no contact, put myself on it. At first to try to get on with, get over him, my breakup not to play games and it worked. What Alan talks about at 16:24 I did that with my ex bf a couple of years ago. I drove by his house and it was soothing in the way you describe THANK YOU for explaining that about the nervous system because I did not know the science/facts behind it I just knew that it felt soothing, comforting to see the car in the driveway, to know he was on his schedule. I only did it a few times at first when the break io was fresh because I used to spend everyday with him so when I broke up with him to have everything end so suddenly my daily routine with him etc. takes tome to get used to

One of the best most informative videos/messages I have experienced to date. Thank you for the courage to sometimes go against the more popular sentiment.

Stopped contacting my ex after she told me she felt it wasn’t gonna work out in the long-term. Not out of manipulation but so I can have peace of mind. Thing is, I still miss her like crazy. There was no wrong in her calling it quits, she was different than my other ex’s though.

I feel this. When I unfollowed my ex's social media it actively shut me right out. It made me feel extremely isolated. It didn't help me heal. In all that time, I remained obsessively focused, perhaps more so because now I could only imagine what he was doing in life. I have, once again, gone no contact and this time I've even blocked him because I have come to realise he was emotionally abusive so this time I am doing it for my own safety to prevent him from hoovering me back in. But I am in a much healthier place now and can go no contact without triggering that panic. I really did feel like going no contact wasn't helping me, was making things worse before. It's interesting to hear your perspective.

I really appreciate the information in this video. It's unbelievable that, until now, I didn't realize how my actual physical being could be so involved in my emotional state. To realize that my nervous system can respond to an emotional trigger without my even being aware of it sort of "opens up" my "bubble" of being caught up in the panic and feeling of abandonment. It really underlines the idea that "what you don't know can hurt you." Thank you, Alan, for sharing your knowledge and insights. I am more-than-ready to learn to understand them.

i am experiencing this to the extreme. its like we are stranded on an island together....no outside support and no contact. its only us and we dont talk. So lonely and sad.

I relate to all of this, at least for the past. I now see clearly why I behaved in a certain way. Strangley, even if it hurts to hear this - because it is so true - it is also soothing because that part of myself who endured so much as a child finally feels seen, heard and understood. Working on yourself always pays off. Great talk Alan.

I’m scared to drive by and see a strange car in the drive.

Thank you so much for this video! That is exactly what I'm experiencing, every time I try to go no contact. Sometimes it happens 2 weeks later, other times the same day. When I put his number back into my phone, my system starts to relax.

What’s difficult is the push and pull- when you both have attachment trauma - but one is anxious/codependent and the other is avoiding but when the anxious ends it the avoidant comes forth and the cycle continues- I am a codependent in recovery and been doing a lot of work. For me I can’t do this dance anymore as I have completely lost myself prior- I recognise the pattern. I have in fact found myself in the same pattern again after a break up- but I have to be strong enough to get out of the dynamics ❤️ break ups are hard! But hanging on to the wrong relationships are harder and more damaging in the long term xxx

Wow, I never thought of "No Contact" under such a light. I assumed that not contacting someone was just a way to bring emotional closure to oneself and signal the end of a relationship. It seems that No contact can be, in fact, a protective wall stopping people suffering PTSD/love addiction from falling back into old patterns/habits that are destructive.

I love your delivery, very straightforward yet comforting. Truth without the ‘tell it to ya too straight’ness passive-harshness I’ve seen on similar channels.. like I can safely seek all the helpful info without the uh.. nosediving me into my 1st psychotic break baha?? 😂😭🙏lolz ty for addressing these tender topics with empathy :) Always nice healing without more hurt.

I cried 14 hours in my partner's arms after he broke up with me. It was really helpful. I felt like I can't survive that pain by myself.

Thank you for this... makes total sense and very helpful. Grief energy and the result of childhood needs not being met so self care, self soothing and self love is so important. I think the ‘no contact’ approach is for me❤️

I have all this trauma. My partner of 5 years, the love of my life, abandoned me and my kids. I wasn’t given the kindness of being broken up with. I was told “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” no explanation, nothing. Deleted all photos of us and our family from all of his social media as though I had never existed. As someone with this trauma, with ptsd, and with bpd having someone do that triggered this times a million. I ended up in the hospital twice. Seven months later I still desperately want to talk to him. I think another large part of it aside from this primal panic (which I find spot on!) is I want to know I meant something to him.

Not only are you extremely insightful, you also have a strong command of the English language and are able to choose the right words so that all is very clear. Brilliant! Thank you so much for taking the time to do your videos.

I've been the one to end it and I'm still going through this

This is why I go no contact only once I feel ready for that, meaning that this decision must be deeply meditated, it takes weeks to be communicated and implemented, and we should leave the door open on one condition : certain things must have changed

thank you for validating what I've always thought that maybe just 1 peek to be assured they're okay and the small happiness it brings helps let go.

This method actually helped me move on. I got my answers that helped me clear my mind. I was driving myself insane and was tired of thinking what could he be doing. I’m still healing but my reactions are getting better daily.

I went no contact with my emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother in law after suffering for a very long time. But felt something missing even though I didn't need her in any way. Now that you have explained about the human need to be in connection, it all makes sense. I make a small talk when I bump into her and leave it at that, which is working well for me.

I’m dealing with a break up after a 2 year engagement and it’s really tearing me apart not hearing from her and not being able to text her. Regardless my feelings for her haven’t changed. I still love her just as much now as I did then. She was and is my first real love. I don’t want to go without contact because I feel in my heart that there is still a chance for reconciliation in the future. I just don’t know how to give her the time to realize that we are meant to be without losing her all together.

Your videos are just genius and life changing. Thank you from the bottom of my attachment trauma’d heart 🙏 💔

Listen to it twice it's even better the second time

Thank you so much for this video. The way you explain things truly helps me understand better than any other videos I have seen. I can't thank you enough. ✌️

I'm practicing conscious contact. It's helping me let go.

I do like the clunky terms because they are defining things, Primal panic is something I heard here that I haven't heard before but it is good to know.

Very well put Alan!! Thank you for the validation.

The problem with the decision of contact or no contact is it’s often being made at a point of extremis. If you’re moving to contact because you’re nervous system is so overwhelmed the chances of making appropriate decisions is by definition flawed. The idea that we can be soothed as a kind of emergency response by dropping a text or driving past our ex partners home is very limited. Going no contact is difficult, it’s a painful withdrawal however it’s much better to focus on yourself than trying in some way to relate to the ex. Far better to spend time with friends, watch some box sets and take back control over your life. I understand the argument but I think the chances of most people to have insight into this as a useful tool is limited when by definition the struggle is about attachment and needs and most likely presents in individuals with a degrees of ‘brokenness’ and poor self worth.

Brilliant! It’s what I did. You are validating my human experience, Alan Robarge! Thank the Lord for you and your work!

It took me a year before I could go no contact with an ex who I just have a really difficult time letting go of. He was happy to be in touch with me. We both realized the relationship couldn't work due to fundamental incompatibilities, but I hung on too hard emotionally. Finally, after a year, I was able to actually relinquish contact. It was still hard, but doable. Like I didn't crumble. I had to stop the contact because he got involved with someone else, and it was just too hard to hang around and watch it. Maybe down the line I can touch base. So, there you go!

This video deserves to be shared to every human who ever tires or tried to get over someone! As the saying knowledge is wealth goes, this knowledge is more than wealth!

Thank you Alan, you are truly a gift!

As you find yourself exiting a relationship it’s worth backing up to the point where you got into the relationship in the first place and evaluating why you went down that road. More than likely the relationship was doomed from the start. That can make it easier to get over. It was all a waste of time. Going forward, make better choices.

another great video. I guess it depends on the connecting person not being addicted to the ex. I'm not sure that contact won't simply postpone the adrenaline rush of actually splitting up because where you're addicted to the ex it's like there's no way to stop drinking booze by drinking booze. once that neural pathway is reinvigorated it could take years before you're able to try to "get sober" and many people never will

Just found you . You make sense and have helped me go from feeling confused and isolated to having more clarity. I'd love to be able to talk with you more personally . But I'm in Australia .

Thank you for such powerfully insightful videos. With all due respect, and I know you have provided admonitions, qualifiers and disqualifiers, I somewhat disagree with the “conscious contact” or soft-stalking strategy for the simple reason that such behavior, while immediately soothing, is really just another dependency-fostering fix in the obsession/addiction/deprivation cycle. Yes, this is a discretionary area, and a “last resort” practice which may be benign & workable for some, but counterproductive and maybe even significantly retraumatizing or dangerously re-engaging for others; it’s a pretty big roll of the dice. Having a sponsor/mentor/confidant whom one could call in moments of overwhelming grief, rather than engaging in cloak and dagger voyeurism via “conscious contact” is, I think, a much healthier and far less risky way to handle things. Keep up the great work Alan; you are awesome!

I can’t believe how accurate this is …. I feel sick listening to this … you said childhood after I’ve wrote it c

Thank you! This really spoke to my situation and I feel validated

So kind and gentle. Thank you

Good to see this different perspective. No Contact has become such a universal prescription that it's akin to a pharma solution to something much more complex and nuanced. "Go in Peace" should or could be an aspiration in the ending of a significant relationship. The honouring of what was invested, and the significance it took on, if not expressed, becomes devalued. A break-up, an ending, is the time when one or both parties wish to leave with dignity and self-esteem. If not wholly damaged, then certainly with redemption. Usually, one partner will 'discard' but once the 'discarded' partner can work through the stages of grief to the point of re-integration and acceptance, some level of contact - in the right circumstances and with the appropriate level of agency - can be very helpful in healing. The Buddhist focus on losing attachment is a useful starting point. The practice of Samata and Metta (tranquillity of mind and universal love - spellings vary) can help in healing and gaining strength. As Alan Robarge clearly says, it has to be the right thing for you and the form of contact has to be at the right time and in the right way. Have a good journey!

Thank you again....this opened the door to understanding what is happening to my nervous system....I need to now learn about this because I am so physically ill I can not function well.

After 66 years and recently separated, I have finally decided that I should work a little to stay friends. He agrees. So we have been texting daily since Xmas. He recently came back for two days to help me prepare to get my house on the market. He may come back and put shocks in my car too. Then I will probably sell my home and move three hours away towards the mountains. Will we still be texting in a year? I hope so. I’m moving to a small city where I know NO ONE. The move was to escape our dynamic finally which was painful. He refused to move with me and I intuited that would happen (he’s a homebody and not intrepid). I jumpstarted the separation to end the emotional pain of our 8-year relationship.

This is so helpful. I'm friends on Facebook with an old boyfriend. He's married. I would like to unfriend or block but have felt it would make things worse. This video helped me see why I'm going through the feeling that I can't live with or without this person. I appreciate the validation.

Youre so nice to us about everything.....thank you really💌

Thank you for this video & your knowledge. I indulged in most of these behaviours last year, when the relationship ended. She text's me once a month, & I don't know why (since she ended it) but I can't delete her. Naming this behaviour makes it easier.

Excellent presentation, Alan! I'm in withdrawal from my partner who I thought would make my life complete and ally my yearning for connection. I'm grieving over her, but it's more depression than anxiety. Like one of the comments I read below, I tend to avoid her so as not to deepen my depression if she responds with a statement that she's now with someone new, or doesn't respond at all. Either way, the pain, and some anger, is up for me, even though her love avoidant behavior isn't contributing at all to my sense of well-being. Just seems like my previous serenity flew out the window....

This is brilliant. I have known about this conundrum for years. Thank you so much for articulating it.

That is some alternative and human approach! Very wise and pratical! You know how real people are...

If you are being abused, what is there to talk about? Talking, at all, is about compromise and understanding. To use an extreme example, if your partner is slapping you, even emotionally, where is the compromise? They will just slap you half the time? My GF would have abusive anger tirades springing up out of nowhere, always directed at me, so we compromise, and I get half of them? No, this is about boundries, and not being doormat. Pleanty of warning, dozens of breakups and humiliations, enough. Enough! I’m out there.

I was in an emotional affair with an old love, that follows the pattern of codependent/narcissist, but I can't really tell who's the c/d and who's the n. The whole thing took the form of exchanged emails and ended when we realized we couldn't get together. This situation has caused me so much pain, it's driven me to learn about codependence issues in myself. What you're saying is so helpful. Thanks. I will sometimes send music recommendations to just say "I'm here." and he will do the same. It is not good for us. The pain returns, though, and reminds me to keep learning how to center. Life is so much better when centered.

thank you so so so much for this. I fell in love with my friend, and he didn't quite feel the same way, and we tried no contact.. it lasted four months, and that was 5 years ago now, and so much confusion and pain has happened since, but because of where we were in our lives and not because of any abuse. Still, I had this reaction whenever things got hard and I considered losing him. It would rock my entire body and the pain would be so overwhelming that i would stop being able to breathe, and this video is so validating as to understanding what happened. Your videos are so helpful in my situation, with him and with my painful attachment injuries of childhood. Thank you

I could watch these all day long and just absorb..

I love listening to all aspects and angles of what Alan brings to the table!

The incongruent energy comes from the pain-body.

I have no problem with no contact with your ex for the first two months of a breakup after that I longed for my old relationship as if it was the love of my life. Attachment trauma I guess

Thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge... you've connected all the puzzle pieces.

I have NEVER felt the need to drive by any place where an ex was located--unless I was picking up my kids, or going to a store past where they lived etc...? I understand there are those personality-disordered individuals who can't let go--and no judgement there, really. I'm sure it's very difficult for people who have been abused or neglected by parents, or caregivers, to not see a partner as the same thing, even subconsciously, and it feels like some type of re-abandonment to them, so they stalk. But seriously, for me, when it's over it's over. They don't want me, they don't deserve me. And I really hope that people who stalk can get to the point where they can truly love and value themselves enough to not need anyone but self.

Gosh I wish you could walk me physically be with me during this transition.... hard 😢😔

Mine was mental and his silent treatment is what really got me confused?

It is excellent to focus on the person with attachment trauma and the other person as that is who you are helping. However, to me it is important to be able to see how the person in the relationship with the love addicted is usually avoidant, addicted, etc. so we can see that the relationship is doomed. Yes, the work is within ourselves, but the person who got into a relationship with love addicted person has serious attachment issues as well, just different ones.

Very clear and helpful. Thank you for sharing.

I am going through a divorce and after 4 weeks apart we started talking. I am very sad the marriage is over but in truth we weren't happy. Covid lockdown brought it to a head. I hope I will always be able to be friends with my spouse. he is a bit distant on the phone but I believe he thinks I want to reconcile. I don't any more. I do love him to bits though and I can't see that changing.

Do you have any suggestions for those of us experiencing primal panic as a result of being ghosted and therefore cannot practice Conscious Contact?

I've had to completely unfriend off Facebook. I've realised this keeps happening to me. I'm a 43 year old guy and I know my attachment issues are from Bullying at school, trauma that my Mother suffered and couldn't give me enough attention when I was growing up, her studying and holding down a day job, a collapsing relationship I could see crumbling when my mother was unhappy, which I could see, followed by my parents divorce. The intensity of my grief is ridiculous after a 3-4 month relationship recently. But I know it's because if those past issues. This person; I've told her she can speak to me in the phone anytime and we can stay in touch but Facebook was too "close". I keep obsessing, "was I too needy, did she lose attraction, wasn't I enough, what could have been". It's worse because she initiated the "exclusivity" conversation. The strangest part is I always get jealous of their friends, social life, the ability they have to be happy. I'm jealous, I always feel like no place is home, find it difficult to find friends and have a good social life...This makes the break worse. I'm now afraid to ever have a long term relationship. I feel I can only be "safe" with short term flings without that level of emotional attachmentIve decided I can only get over this with continuing CBT, making a rich social life, maintaining family relationships with brothers and sisters and investing in hobbies and purpose in work goals.

Thank you in my story you are a hero ❤

Very practical information and you're addressing things that aren't addressed in other support resources. Thank you! Also I'm trying an all natural adrenal vitamin in an effort to help regulate my hormones, fight or flight, etc. So far it's helping with exhaustion at least. Could help others🙏🏻 I'm taking Thorne adrenal

I am definitely in Primal Panic. :-(

Thank you. Everything you said corresponds with what I have been going through.

Hello Alan. OMG this phenomenon of AT is so huge and complex that it effects us all so differently. My experience is that wholeness likely will happen when we can experience the feelings that connect with the point of origin...which IMHO is the parental relationship. And YES! I'm still living in my dead mother's apartment and have her ashes on my bookshelf "memorial". LOL. So I do get these ATs even though they take different shapes and forms. I don't really know how to react to the possibility that I perhaps am someone's surrogate attachment...but since my issues have been almost all resolved and can now stand as a free and independent woman, I would like to assist anyone in their healing process. However, my main focus these days is detoxing my body of GMOs and becoming whole in body, now that my mind and soul are in sync. Peace to all.

thank you. ..being real, being compassionate

Alan would you make a video on how to grieve with an attachment wound when you’ve been ghosted? I was by someone I deeply trusted and it’s taken almost a year to get over-lots of flashbacks and insomnia. I think it’s very common in our dating culture and even with friends!

My codependat wife left me after 17 years of marriage and immediately after she was in a rebound relationship. She told me to back off and only wanted to discuss our relationship regarding our 13 year old daughter. I was forced into no contact and had a breakdown that completely destroyed me.

Thank u sir cus I'm still having trouble letting go?, cus of the music that brings me back memories :)

That's because it's not us that wants to go no contact it's them

Well said and very clear! I appreciate your work and your videos.