When the Narcissist's Parents Die

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14 жыл бұрын

Everything You Need to Know about Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Abuse - click on this link: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/faq...
The narcissist needs his parents alive mostly in order to get back at them, to accuse and punish them for what they have done to him. This attempt at reciprocity ("settling the scores") represents to him justice and order, it introduces sense and logic into an otherwise totally chaotic mental landscape. It is a triumph of right over wrong, weak over strong, law and order over chaos and capriciousness. The demise of his parents is perceived by him to be a cosmic joke at his expense. He feels "stuck" for the rest of his life with the consequences of events and behaviour not of his own doing or fault. The villains evade responsibility by leaving the stage, ignoring the script and the director's (the narcissist's) orders. (From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 2 DVDs with 12 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: www.narcissistic-abuse.com/the...)

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@samvaknin 12 жыл бұрын

I am not blaming ALL the parents. I am blaming only ABUSIVE parents. Judging by your own words, you have abused your son by smothering him, doting over him, not setting proper boundaries between you and him, spoiling him, and acting too permissively. "Trying too hard to please your son" is not what a good parent should do - it is merely another form of abuse.

@indiahindiah7295 4 жыл бұрын

Exactly I felt I was raising my man🥵

@juliennacer8871 2 жыл бұрын

@@winterblossom4446 Cope, woman. It is YOUR fault, no one elses. Just yours.

@jimmydavis7587 2 жыл бұрын

@@winterblossom4446 Where is the data to support your 100% true assertion?

@mridlon1634 Жыл бұрын

Why does Mrs. Cartman from South Park come to mind?

@kiv_daniels 4 ай бұрын

Exactly, thinking just in his/her own selfish interests, thinking that the child would love him/her above everyone else. In raising your child you should want your child’s best interest at heart.

@elizabethd.2398 7 жыл бұрын

"It's not a bond....it's a bondage." How true.

@artistsurvivor 3 жыл бұрын

At my borderline mom's funeral last week, my narc brother used the eulogy to try to humiliate me. He was mentioned several times as was his girlfriend for their long suffering care giving of our mom. My young brother was mentioned also. Stories were told about all of them. My name wasn't mentioned once. Sticking a knife in my heart would have been less painful. Afterward, I walked up to my older brother, who planned the funeral and hugged him. I told him thank you for all of his hard work. I wasn't about to give that sadistic shit bag the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt me for the thousandth time. When my husband and I got into our car, he said "You shouldn't be upset about that total hit job because it backfired. He didn't make you look bad. He made himself look like the pathetic attention seeking petty little prick that he is."

@lamontjohnson1101 Жыл бұрын

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Dystopia2024 2 ай бұрын

Indeed. People can see through one's words

@KT-bm6qr 8 жыл бұрын

... And then your narcissist sibling steals your inheritance.

@MsDlkelley 8 жыл бұрын

+Kat T That happened to me too Kat T. And they are proud of their thievery.

@asetthelotus861 7 жыл бұрын

LOL

@mentalcompassno1 5 жыл бұрын

God this is true

@mentalcompassno1 5 жыл бұрын

Sandra Jones horrible

@maranpandian1336 5 жыл бұрын

My narc parents are very clever, they are aged now, already my younger brother has taken most of their property.

@joywatson95 5 жыл бұрын

I was a scapegoat , when my narcissistic dad died, 10 years ago... I have yet to cry.. I was relief!!!

@plumduff3303 5 жыл бұрын

Same joy

@paulettefelix6648 4 жыл бұрын

I can understand that

@joywatson95 3 жыл бұрын

@@ASJacob one can only hope for peace ✌️!💖 My Good friends abusive husband just died , she had just left him after 30+ years.. but now she is finally understanding that he was just a Evil Person and , she had nothing to do with his death !

@mombamonday5151 3 жыл бұрын

@@ASJacob ... you will find peace. It would be helpful if you could find a way of forgiving her ( in your heart) before she dies.

@nicselectronics81 3 жыл бұрын

Same, nearly killed myself to try to do right, all for nothing.

@angelforceforyou Жыл бұрын

My narcissistic parents both died and the people that supported them have no idea of the gossip and slander that my parents said about them. I am absolutely sure that 90% of the population are unable to identify the deceitful people in their lives. I left all of them behind, I don’t care to defend myself against lies of the narc because it would color my existence as it did my parents. It is quite sad to see them drowning in their own poison. Now I’ve mastered the art of letting people believe anything they want about me because in time they will be proven wrong and in turn be exposed as the true liars. I am finally successful in all areas of my life but I stay very humble. I NEVER toot my own horn, I let my successes speak for itself

@shannons.6531 3 жыл бұрын

My husband was transformed after his mother died. It felt like I was suddenly and shockingly married to a narcissist. I'm realizing now that it was something that was always there. The neglect and abuse he experienced as a child made his mother the target of his manipulations while she was alive and when she died I became the one he focused his insecurities on. We went from making joint decisions to his only making decisions that secure his interests, not our interests. The narrative is suddenly that I am somehow the source of all of his failures rather than his support network. It's feels a bit like being caught in a tornado.

@nandinigogoi2584 Жыл бұрын

Oh My god I agree so much MY mom was transformed completely after her mom died My mom completely transformed into like her mom in many ways..She had resents in many ways with her mom but as I child i did not understood it was so deep..After her mom's death i felt she became more like her own mom in so many ways...I have healed a lot from her abuse and remaining away from her it is much peaceful and finally I found myself back..at 41..I hope everyone that peace

@mygirldarby 10 ай бұрын

Did you leave, or worse, did he discard you? Prepare yourself! Narcissists will leave.

@aprilchow-chee5281 9 ай бұрын

Please leave before he leaves you cause he will and then blame you too

@ZFern9390 4 ай бұрын

Very interesting!

@funnyshtuff7428 2 жыл бұрын

Very ironic they're left without closure because that's how they leave all their victims.

@JudyLBeres 4 жыл бұрын

After my narcissist husband’s father died he became ultra competitive with everyone, including our adolescent son. Eventually, he left the stage and filed for divorce. Thank you for helping me to understand, so that I, and our son, can heal.

@nryane 7 жыл бұрын

Thank you for these insights. The narcissist's mother was his original narcissist. She apparently did not like me, ignoring me and talking only to her son, calling me "it" or "she", only, while I was seated at the same table. Therefore, I stayed home, instead of visiting her with him on future occasions. Piece of work! I have empathy for him, for how he got this way, but not enough to stay. His devaluing of me is not acceptable. He is who he is and I no longer need to live with him.

@nryane 4 жыл бұрын

S T Golden child, for sure!

@pigurine 9 жыл бұрын

As a child of 2 narcissistic parents, as the scapegoat role in my family,I am constantly finding myself in a scapegoat role, is their anyway to shake it. It is almost a magnetic reaction I cannot break. Your videos are A+.

@bumpyride1725 6 жыл бұрын

Walk the hell away, and don't ever go back unless it is for about five minutes. The good will outweigh the bad. Remember this will be the less of two evils. You just have to realize this is the hand of cards you were dealt with, and shake it off the best way you can and MOVE on. They stop us from being productive and our optimal best, and that is why we have to run.

@carmelwine7610 5 жыл бұрын

MI Three As if they know what "A pure heart is". They always try to ruin your virtue and try to make you feel bad about not being around Them.

@regitzecamara36 5 жыл бұрын

Spiritually speaking its a bond even trauma can be bonding. You have to pray to release yourself from the bond thats what i did, because your right you do attract those type of ppl. But once you start meditating and praying to release the bond youll notice ppl like that even more quickly and release them out of your psyche

@AbrahamLechLacha 5 жыл бұрын

Break the spell with me.

@pamalaboyd7008 4 жыл бұрын

God has a good plan for you. My dad was a devil. I read God the Father's Holy Bible, and pray to Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior of the world. John 3: 16. I was married to a Narc for 40 years, and God used that to draw me closer to Him. Jeremiah 29:11. I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that, but God will use it for your good because His plan is perfect, plus you can use your life experiences to help others. God bless you always!

@theyrekrnations8990 4 жыл бұрын

man we all got some f'd up families LOL

@currentaddress5661 2 жыл бұрын

God Pixar parents parents and God picture children

@rachelrosen5501 8 жыл бұрын

What if a narcissit was treated like a little God as a child? Fawned over, told he was special, going to be famous so on. This is what led to my ex becoming a narcisisit.

@samvaknin 8 жыл бұрын

+Replicant Rachel Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also forms of abuse - see these: vaksam.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/journal42.html metapsychology.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=de&id=419 Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727 The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism vaksam.tripod.com/journal43.html Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5048 Adolescent Narcissist - A Case Study samvak.tripod.com/narcissistadolescent.html

@rachelrosen5501 8 жыл бұрын

Wow, Thank you Sam.

@FIREGOD333 7 жыл бұрын

my nmom neglected me my entire childhood. she was always working or just never there. i have very few memories of her from my childhood. i was mainly dropped off with my neighbours who became my second family since we moved away from all our family.. my friends and neighbours meant everything to me. i was a really happy kid. then she took that form me. she moved us away. for no reason. just because. i had to leave all my friends and neighbours, my support system, my home. i became extremely depressed going into my teen years. we were in a new city and i hated everything and everyone (because teenager lol) and especially her for taking away everything i love. she never once let me express my feelings. she didn't care. and on top of all that, i was also struggling with gender identity issues and puberty which is a recipe for disaster. my life as a teen was complete hell and she was A NIGHTMARE. she went from completely neglecting/spoiling me to completely smothering me and controlling everything that i thought/said/did/etc. her projection and gaslighting really fucked me up mentally. i don't even know how i survived my teen years but what came next was even worse. as i started growing older and trying to become more independent, she became more and more controlling. enabling me to be dependent on her and never letting me be an individual. and because i was still dealing with all my fucking trauma and trying to heal (apparently a bad idea if you still live with the abuser... makes it kind of impossible) i was obviously still really depressed. so i never really bothered getting a job since she was taking care of me financially and i just didn't feel like even being alive. i had no motivation for anything let alone doing something i don't want to do for 4-8hrs for money that i have no use for since i'm not allowed to do anything without her approval. so here i am, stuck. but learning about narcissism has helped me a lot to move forward in my healing and understand why everything i was trying to do kept failing. understanding that she is deliberately sabotaging me and that i am not crazy or paranoid. and understanding that i need to leave asap. but also understanding that i am extremely fucked up and probably will not make it out of here a complete mess (which is what i was trying to avoid...) everyday i think to myself: what if i am the narc? will i ever be fuckign normal... no. never. but i just want to be myself. i just hope myself is not a narc. i don't think i am. but isn't that what any narc would think

@FIREGOD333 7 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the lengthy reply. You're right, I do have to move on. It sucks to not get any closure or revenge or whatever. Sucks that I just get to be broken and fix myself and be the SC of the family. But whatever. Least I'm not alone in this hell. Just trying to find my way back to my true self. Anyway thank you. I hope you're right. I'm going to try my best to give myself a better life. Hopefully the universe has something good in store for me.

@FIREGOD333 7 жыл бұрын

Cool thanks, and I agree. Revenge is self-destructive and in the end it doesn't take away what happened. And if karma exists then I must have been a terrible person in my past life.. Cause I never deserved any of this bullshit. Fuck karma thought I do believe in reincarnation.

@EnidWellness 2 жыл бұрын

Narcissist react with severe depression to loss of supply. They have unresolved parental trauma. He can’t get the closure he craves. He’ll never get validated. Unable to ever confront parent the Narc falls into cycle of needing revenge. He wants justice. Narc rages. Guilt for being angry. Elated at part of their death. His parent abused him, again, by dying.

@iheartchoo2 10 жыл бұрын

No, I recognise that I never want to treat anyone as badly as my father treated my mother and I, but it has affected me. As a result I'm quite antisocial, I'm very cynical and don't really like other people...

@chris-vo1nh 2 жыл бұрын

Iam antisocial, I have traits from my father, but I have empathy not cold empathy, and see my what I've been infected with , empathy is our vacation, with enlightenment and not living in victumhood we have a chance for growth and happiness

@lucianedsouza3930 4 жыл бұрын

The narc cried over his dad death every day! Now I got it why! He had a hard time with his dad, ignored and treated his father very bad. Probably his father was a supply and he lost his main supply after his father death. His mom is a narc too... Priceless! He will be tormented for the rest of his life!

@meepmorp99 3 жыл бұрын

Therapy helps. It really does. You just have to get over the shyness of sharing your feelings with a stranger. You are capable.

@unidosmexicanos5466 2 жыл бұрын

My ex narcissistic when his mother died he went to Geneva and he didn’t want me to come with him for the funeral but I got a trip to Lisbon for his birthday and he went to see Lisbon after the funeral for 1 night and went back to Geneva. I found that so weird and I never saw him sad at all. His mother had Alzheimer’s for years but I never understood his behavior at all until I discovered that he is a narcissistic and suddenly everything started to make sense and the journey began for me. It is so sad all this awakening and craziness

@iamthebirdfearme 10 жыл бұрын

I feel like crying. This totally fills in some blanks about my father.

@ryanfatguyinlilcoat2436 3 жыл бұрын

Sam is so spot on, just wish they’d teach it in school

@truthtarot7074 3 жыл бұрын

💯

@mauricepatrickoconnor5634 4 жыл бұрын

My father was a " Golden Child" narcissist whom abused his children emotionally and physically. He was also an alcoholic. When he died it was a relief.

@FolkBoyify 11 жыл бұрын

Everything starts in the home. Act stupid & crazy towards your children, & they'll act crazy & stupid towards you.

@tylerchill 7 жыл бұрын

Very articulate and truthful description. My parents are both dead now. All I want to do is reconstruct my childhood over and over to try to set myself right. Discover what went wrong. Find a way out. I went "no contact" decade ago but you can run but you can't hide.

@SGKeiana 8 жыл бұрын

I understand all too well how it feels to have those mixed emotions. I felt sad at first, because that is how I thought and convinced myself I should feel. It is the socially acceptable response to a parent's death. But I felt rage more than anything, how dare she walk out on me, leave me hanging, deny me the closure I needed to feel human. I ended up in relationships not long after, for the sake of finding my mother within the people I was around, just to have that chance to gain their validation or get back at her through them, because it was all I knew how to do. I hated her for the emotional abuse she put me through, and then I hated her more for the guilt I felt FOR hating her. I wanted to mourn her death properly, but my emotions were all over the scale. I would fantasize about having that one all out battle royal with her where I could finally tell her exactly how I felt, exactly what she'd done to me, and how much I wanted her to be accountable and punished for it. I didn't know how to express my feelings though, so I sat and seethed quietly for a good while. Then I took advantage of my newfound freedom to go on my self discovery quest, figure myself out, learn about personality disorders, slowly start to build up my fundamentals and whatever it is I lacked from childhood. My sense of self is in the process now, but I have many years to make up for. Nowadays, I feel almost no hatred to my mother, I understand her. I understand her plenty enough to know that even if she were alive, I would have had to cut off all contact with her anyway. I understand her enough not to feel guilty anymore, she had her own experiences with abuse and lack of self worth, I pity her more than ever. My sister is also going through the emotional roller coaster, so now I'm able to be her anchor, since no one else understands her pain as well as I do. I can be the one to tell her that her feelings are normal for the circumstances we went through, so don't feel guilty--she deserves to finally be able to express her feelings without being guilted and reprimanded for it. Relief, anger, sadness, helplessness, guilt. If anyone is going through it now, please know that you are not alone, ride the waves of emotion, let them take their course. Be wise about it, but don't let it bring you down on yourself too much.

@skywatcher7272 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you... this helped me more than you could possibly imagine. Sorry about your loss

@ZaeRackzz 4 жыл бұрын

Realest advice I have seen on KZfaq

@pamalaboyd7008 4 жыл бұрын

God our Heavenly Father is our true Father, and he has a good plan for you. Jeremiah 29-11. My dad was a devil, and I was married to a Narc for 40 years. Jesus Christ kept me from sinking in despair. God bless you, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that trauma. Pam

@fowzziabegum3397 3 жыл бұрын

I just loss of my mother I just wanted to say thank you so much for your advice..sorry for your loss too..xx

@NJ-wp1ic 3 жыл бұрын

Wow this is really amazing, I wish you could share more insight . Regarding other things , your so raw and real

@tn41249 6 жыл бұрын

My ex had two parents like this. When his father died, he was cremated and the remains were sent to our house in a plastic bag i. A cardboard box. He sat up in my husbands closet for 15 years. It began to bother me after the first three years. Finally spread his ashes because I told him I was going to do it. His Mom is still alive unfortunately, and is an old lady with no friends. She has split up four marriages and lies and steals. Awful woman.

@fionam3735 5 жыл бұрын

tn41249 my ex husband is a narcissist and so were his parents. His fathers ashes are still in his cupboard and his mother is still alive a very very self centred and absorbed old lady that loves the attention and the pub still! She broke up a marriage or two in her time. My ex of course denies all things as he is playing the narcissistic dance. He used to with his father until he passed now it’s just with his mum who I believe he secretly loathes. Just like he did me. Only I got away. I have had to run 🏃‍♀️ a few times in my life from narcs!

@MrOnomatopoiea 12 жыл бұрын

My best friend has severely narcissistic parents who have screwed him up for life by smothering him and giving him everything he ever asked for.

@ZFern9390 4 ай бұрын

Are you sure they are not just simply Dumb Asses!??

@julialima8907 5 жыл бұрын

I think I’m evil... I smiled when I read the title .

@samvaknin 5 жыл бұрын

I laughed when I wrote it. I am more evil than you are :o-))

@elizabethlavicka271 2 жыл бұрын

You are not evil, you are sane.

@GlitzyDream80 9 жыл бұрын

As a victim of a narcissistic mother, I have been told time and time again by helpful people that I don't really have to confront my mother personally , in order to deal with turmoil I have inside. It was verrrry hard to do, and still is but it can be done without even being in the same room with the same woman who hurt me so deeply. The only reason a narcissist has so much difficulty with no longer being able to confront their own parents (if they were to die) is because they always take out how they feel about themselves, on people OUTSIDE of themselves.They do everything in this way. They cause so much pain everywhere they go. It may sound bitter, but the fact that they will feel locked out of any resolution with their parents (should they die), is only karma catching up to them. For once they would be denied of something they can no longer manipulate....and MAYBE be driven to look within for once.

@floozyish 7 жыл бұрын

This guy is so smart and accurate

@Tropicalpisces 6 жыл бұрын

And he knows it. ;-) with that SAT vocab. Anyone with a modicum of narc knowledge should've picked up on his "cerebral" tendencies. J/K but for real, It would've been helpful knowing he was a diagnosed NPD prior to watching many videos. After finding this information out, I feel a little exposed because he knew the disease so well because he's a sufferer! Arrrgh. It's not just a therapist telling me about NPD, it's a diagnosed. Different way of digesting these videos now.

@AvaJun 7 жыл бұрын

My husband's mother passed on last October (2016). He refused to claim her remains after she was cremated by the county morgue. He told them he was the youngest (45 years old) and that he was only taking care of her ( put her in nursing home after she became ill, instead of me taking care of her, which I begged him since we were still newly weds and I had no mom and was taking care of her by visiting her 4 times a week) because he was made to and he has older siblings which he never introduced me to and told me they all suck and he doesn't talk to them. His mother is still in a bag, in a cardboard box somewhere, but since I am not listed as next of kin, I cannot claim to giver her a proper send off. It pains me this mother's day. He was very sweet to his mom when I met her and he changed, he turned into something soon as I confronted him after we were married a month about his infidelities. He has gas lighted me for three years, and I am finally getting therapy and moving on with my life. Narcissists are dangerous folks. He almost made me kill myself. I stayed strong and sought counseling instead.

@polyandrousjay3055 4 жыл бұрын

My narc ex husband did the same to me. The narc mom wreaked havoc with the abuse, and when she passed, the toxic family, blamed me and out relationship so he discarded me and talks shit about me to his family and they agree with him lol. I'm moving out soon

@AvaJun 4 жыл бұрын

@@Rose_Ou his dad was a serial cheater and he was the golden boy. He was raised to believe that women are things. He wasn't abused in a typical way, but causing a child with entitled attitude and lack of discipline and being told women are things both by example and with words. Yes, he was created through abusive upbringing, just not the type of abuse you typically think of. It's not always about harming a child with force or pain. It can be about poor parenting skills. Parents who fight, call each other names, cheat on their spouses, praise children and showering them with participation trophies..... Those are abusive. People blame society for being that way but ultimately it's our individual choices.

@AvaJun 4 жыл бұрын

@@polyandrousjay3055 stay safe!

@tansyvee1159 2 жыл бұрын

💕💞💞💓💓💓💓💓wow stay strong!

@Hawelufamily 4 жыл бұрын

After my ex husband divorced (discarded) me he moved in with his Narcissist parents. This makes complete sense to me now. Wow

@chasstiles7611 5 жыл бұрын

My narcissist father died in 2002 my narcissist mother died in 2012, I absolutely don't miss them. I've been no contact with my narcissistic golden child brother and sister since 2005, I don't miss them either. They have tried to Hoover me back in through other relatives. I've tell the relatives one time that it ain't going to happen,if they continue they get cut loose. Not many relatives left in my life. The just don't understand if I'm such a bad person why would they want me back in there life

@leelee6000 4 жыл бұрын

Ignore them I ignore my sister and brother they don't even mean nothing to me I don't miss them or have any need to visit them

@MrSnazzy682 2 жыл бұрын

What kinds of things did they do to you to make you cut them off?

@chasstiles7611 2 жыл бұрын

@@MrSnazzy682 lying,blaming,steeling,scapegoating,gaslighting,i mean really what haven't they done

@FrugalMummy 7 жыл бұрын

Watching this I had a vision/ sensation of falling, afraid. Sensory overload... so much insight, clues, memories. Trying desperately to gain control. To get a handle on things, to stabilize. At any price. Sensory overload and passing out. Dark nothing. No thought. No clues. No data. Death? Next would be fear and loss right? No. Not today. Today you are your own Mother. Today you are your own Father. Today you forgive yourself. Today you accept yourself. Today you choose. You have that power. Your life. Your will. Beyond fear and sensory overload. Keep going. Beyond hate and pain and broken. Keep going. If you don't push through and keep going how will you learn this new and alien thing? This thing called unconditional love.

@Gogoandglitter Ай бұрын

I discovered this video about 13 years ago when I was looking for answers to why my mother, an undiagnosed narcissist (w textbook traits) and alcoholic, without cause or conflict between us, stopped speaking to me. My maternal grandmother, (also an alcoholic, who abused my mom in childhood, whom my mom always sought validation from & never to her satisfaction received) died in 2005 & my grandfather, (who, much to my grandmothers begrudging, my mom had a very close relationship) committed suicide in 2009. Ironically, my own father died three days after my grandfathers suicide. It was 2 yrs after that my mom stopped speaking to me & spent the next 8 yrs drinking herself to her death in 2019. As Im still struggling so deeply with her abandoning me in life & by her death, I had to go back & watch this video. Your words offer me some explanation to questions that will never be answered & wounds that will never fully heal. Thank you for helping me temper that pain by reminding me that even though my mom’s abandonment deeply injured me, it had little to nothing to do with me.

@joeosborn8125 9 жыл бұрын

YET,, AFTER ALL IS SAID, People seem to love this person. REALLY weird!

@annschurman8624 3 жыл бұрын

B/c their persona is different with different people. A mask for each person, each occasion depending on how they wish To ‘groom’ the individualist for their own narc feed

@user-go1ut1gz4n 3 жыл бұрын

Insightful - thank you. My father is narc, as well as several (possibly all) brothers, flying monkeys at a minimum. I walked from family years ago (now limited contact via email with my father but have no contact with sibs). and am sure that things will be messy when my parents die. I told my father I"d rather pass on an inheritance than be entrapped by the 'trust' he's set up for me. No way will I reinforce more narcissistic behaviour by putting myself into an oppressive situation with siblings. Almost killed me once, not going there again. Narcissists do two things with their kids - scapegoat or groom them to be narcissists as well. The child being groomed easily becomes a narcissist as they have no alternative role-modelling and are caught in that same inter-generational trauma patterns. 4 generations of narcs in my family. Loved the term bondage over bond. Thanks Sam

@debracrowder7179 7 жыл бұрын

no offense but I'm glad I don't have to be around for when that happens to my ex narc. I couldn't handle anymore than I went through with him glad it is over.

@PhoenixRising251 Ай бұрын

I'm an only child, 58 and my narc mom is 92 and my dad passed away at 50. God how I miss my old man. How I never ended up like my mom is nothing less than the grace and mercy of God. Now I can detect narcissistic behavior a mile away!

@marinanononsense 7 жыл бұрын

He had a narcissistic father , i exposed him once and he got very mad at me . lol

@SheilahDavisHypnosis 11 жыл бұрын

Thank you for posting this. Everytime there is a death in the family, the narcissist in my life gets violent and secretive. Money will go missing. Members of his family will stalk me and harrass other people in my life. His father has stage four lung cancer and I fear what's going to happen when he passes. You have given validity to my fear and helped me understand a little bit more about why he does what he does. I guess he needs a fan club or therapy.

@anitaaustralia 2 күн бұрын

Profoundly tragic. This is exactly what my narcissistic ex is facing. I still won't ever contact him, but his internal grief from the abuse he suffered is not lost on me

@jschimmel67 8 жыл бұрын

My ex-husband has a narcissistic mother (and grandmother who passed) and a normal father who died in 2006. The effect I saw was that he became very serious after that point and his narcissism seemed to get a bit worse. He began running .... doing marathons.... and neglecting me and my children even more than he already had. Total emotional withdrawal and denial of that withdrawal. It was always my fault. ;-) Glad I was able to leave.. even if I waited longer than I should have.

@Holly-sq5uv 6 жыл бұрын

jschimmel67 I wouldn’t ever call someone married to a narcissist “normal”. An enabler is a sick (and dangerous) person themselves. They get seen as the good one with the white hat, but that’s a lie since the abuse wouldn’t have happened had the enabler stood up to the narc.

@erichusher9218 10 жыл бұрын

I have a had a look at several of your videos, and I am greatly impressed with the depth and breadth of your analysis and understanding of this problem. VERY well done, and you are to be congratulated!

@narcbusters9061 8 жыл бұрын

My narc went to live with his parents after I threw him out. Dad is a serial cheater and his mom sexually humiliated him in his youth. I imagine he is more miserable with them than he ever was with me.

@godofdeath8785 Жыл бұрын

That sounds really sucks. As 22 yo guy my both parents narcissists i feel like and i am narcissist too I don't want family and other shit but i want have friend and be really close to friend

@Dani-hd1xn 10 ай бұрын

My narc recently discared me and his mother was there to help him pack up before taking him home to his childhood home. The guy is nearly 30. In an instant, he abandoned his wife and child. It's all very bizarre. Got onto this video as his father is dying of lewy body dementia and as it's worsened, my husband's narcissism has worsened too. wrapping my head around it all

@ThyKingdomCome2us 11 жыл бұрын

Same kinda thing happened to me but I felt it as evil kissing me and just pulled away. I could not take the hate and evil and then that one loving moment. Be true to yourself.

@Em0killer13 12 жыл бұрын

Another amazing video. Thank you for taking the time Mr. Vaknin.

@dazlette 11 жыл бұрын

sounds like freakin demon possession

@rosbifle413 4 жыл бұрын

Without a doubt it is. Speak to jesus. Everything will change. You are not alone.

@victalellc.8979 3 жыл бұрын

It is.

@peaceunion5316 3 жыл бұрын

@@victalellc.8979 stop that foolish dangerous talk. Narcissism as a condition is a disorder born from childhood abuse. You should be mature and smart enough to not perpetuate such damaging ideas like demonic possessions.

@crys444_ 3 жыл бұрын

U are very correct!!! Very!!

@YoYo-nt7yf 2 жыл бұрын

@@peaceunion5316 no

@iheartchoo2 10 жыл бұрын

I find what you said about the narcissist keeping their parents alive very interesting. I frequently hear my father, who is verbally abusive towards me, talking to himself, and when I asked him who he was talking to, he replied 'my father'. Gosh if his parents were alive I'd like to beat them for messing him up, and in turn messing me up.

@harriet8267 9 жыл бұрын

Thank you. Your videos have been very helpful to me to understand my mother and brother both narcissists. My mother just recently passed away and my brother was with her for a month before her death. He was homeless and I believe that is why he went to her home. Many times over the years my brother would do things to get back at her, as you put it. He told me that he yelled at her at a point in the last days of her life. I am sure that there was much more abusiveness going on. He was so abusive to me while I was there for her funeral that I could not stay at the house with him and had to leave earlier than I wanted to after the funeral. She was 93, he is 64.

@harriet8267 9 жыл бұрын

The sadness really lies for me in not having a family.

@doloreshaze4003 3 жыл бұрын

omg my brother shouted to my mother to die, on her deathbed, he gave her 'the command'..its was so horrible.. and he was also with her last months of her live, being a total jerk.

@samuelbarton4957 10 жыл бұрын

you are changing my life

@mairimillar8866 4 жыл бұрын

Such powerful and fascinating stuff, Prof. Vaknin. Thank you!

@wmifun7681 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Sam, My narc is a covert narc. I believe it stems from being the son of a silent father and his mother’s golden child who she idolized and showed off as being brilliant and perfect. He is trapped in self loathing (from not actually being perfect,) and frustration that the world doesn’t recognize his brilliance and superiority. I think he counted on his mother’s glowing admiration and when she died, he lost that source of supply. He loves telling me of his great childhood (compared to my f*cked up one,) so that he can be superior. She was the hero of the trauma story he recently shared with me after we got over a crisis resulting in him receiving a new narc injury and me discovering who I married 34 years ago. I love your insights and many of them ring true but this one would be even more interesting if broken out by grandiose vs covert because there are some key differences. I would like to hear what you think about this.

@jannawalters232 Жыл бұрын

I could listen to Sam all day!! So informative.

@Hawelufamily 4 жыл бұрын

This explains why my ex Narc moved back in with his parents after the divorce.

@smokedawgog783 6 жыл бұрын

This is right on point! Excellent video!

@MM-BMY 4 жыл бұрын

He is trapped in a time capsule😥

@wuestion9473 7 жыл бұрын

This makes me feel bad for narcissists... To think that maybe they'd have been 'normal' if their parents didn't treat them a certain way. I think I can see the roots of what caused the one I knew to become the way he did, and it's really sad.

@samvaknin 7 жыл бұрын

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also forms of abuse - see these: vaksam.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/journal42.html metapsychology.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=de&id=419 Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727 The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism vaksam.tripod.com/journal43.html Portrait of the Narcissist as a Young Man groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5048 Adolescent Narcissist - A Case Study samvak.tripod.com/narcissistadolescent.html

@gabrielamendoza6283 7 жыл бұрын

My Serendipitous Mind

@FIREGOD333 7 жыл бұрын

sam vaknin, what do you think of society as a whole? could that also cause someone to become a narc?

@samvaknin 7 жыл бұрын

Narcissistic societies www.narcissistic-abuse.com/14.html

@Tropicalpisces 6 жыл бұрын

It's weird, but I feel very bad for these people that had to resort to such harmful mechanisms just to cope in their shit-tastic abusive worlds. What's sad is that overly doting/ praising parents can cause the harm too. I don't have children, so where is the line drawn from being neglectful to spoiling them? Where is that safe area?

@sunlitweb 11 жыл бұрын

Unfortunately, even well intentioned parents can get caught in that trap too. I think it's especially hard for single parents of only children when you end up being their playmate and their parent. That's just a personal opinion.

@donlampard9961 12 жыл бұрын

Very helpful Sam. I'll take some time to view your work. Thanks for all your efforts.

@christineoxenberg8449 5 жыл бұрын

Ive witnessed this. My father is a living example of this. Now he is coming to the end of his life.

@42rusted 3 жыл бұрын

Good

@samvaknin 13 жыл бұрын

Good to see you here, Doug!

@LaileB22 10 жыл бұрын

These video's are very helpful!

@skylark2470 2 жыл бұрын

You must have been watching my early adulthood. Now my puzzle pieces fit! My rage and elation were so confusing. No clear time to get any closure. My love/hate/fear 'villain' had left the stage when I was 15. Depression, regression and my narcissistic mother finished me off.

@GirishVenkatachalam 8 жыл бұрын

Brilliant analysis.

@ronfarrell9128 7 жыл бұрын

That was quite good Dr. Vaknin thank you.

@riconaka 4 жыл бұрын

This hits me at the core...

@TheGalaxyhopper 12 жыл бұрын

I am really getting a good education on this topic and it is amazing, bring out my big mirror, MA. thank you!

@roseglasses1 3 жыл бұрын

One of my extremely emotionally volatile narc’s parents is on his deathbed right now and I came here because I’m terrified about what is going to happen after he goes. I’m literally on tenterhooks. His dying parent was the non narc, very kind and sweet. I’m terrified about my narc having a total meltdown down and narcissistic crisis. I’m feel like I’m in the crosshairs right now. I think there will be volatility and perhaps even sexual acting out. He’s so divorced from any emotion other than cruelty and rage I literally can’t imagine how this will affect him.

@becausekittenspaint1946 8 жыл бұрын

Perfection describing the twisted relationship between narc parent & child. My ex narc is severely abused manipulated by both his mom & adoptive dad. Both patents are narcissists. My ex is almost 40 & abusive patterns worsen. I was caught up in that family web. Videos on my channel just scratch the surface of his parent's trauma to him which in turn traumatized me. No more. I am not a victims. Thrive not just survive!😀

@christyliberge4189 4 ай бұрын

I remember when my Father Died, many many years ago, I felt Nothing and then I felt Everything All at Once. I married the first man who came along to fill the Void/Pain and that Husband was the worst narcissist I have ever met. I divorced him yet only to meet another and another and another. My mother in her 80s is an enabler to my oldest brother who lives with her in his 60s not working, alcoholic covert narcissist. I don't visit because the energy is so dysfunctional. I've stepped aside for my own peace and recovery. I don't know how I'm going to feel wwhen she passes. I secretly hope he goes before her so she'll have some time for reflection and quietness. He's getting more aggressive as he's aging. She won't leave him though, oh no, she could never abandon her son..

@asetthelotus861 7 жыл бұрын

I have a Narc who is the father of my three babies and his mother is a Narc. Everything you said is a replica of the both of them. It is so sad because I truly love the guy but I feel like I must be insane to find way to deal with someone who has no empathy or love to give. It is a difficult situation. I wish to move on but it seems inevitable. The only thing that makes it difficult to stay is the fact the he is a ambiguous Narc.

@richardlongmore9301 8 жыл бұрын

Well explained and Verry frightening as I unfortunitly am facing this situation and I feel you are spot on with your analysis of this situation. All I think about is all the horible things from when I was young and blame my folks for it all And don't know if I'm right or wrong I'm terrified of them dying because we have never got on and I'm starting to realize we never will ?

@annschurman8624 3 жыл бұрын

Brilliantly articulated I am living this now. Narcissistic Brother has had lifelong dysfunctional Co dependency with narcotics mom. Now dying and projecting this lateral aggression towards me with blame, shame and guilt. I left the narc mom at 18 and happily have my own life. Visiting occasionally, but keeping my distance for healthy self preservation. Now dying & in hospice., I said my goodbyes last week. I was allowed to enter the facility b/c of an exception during Covid. She left him with a huge mess, (which I reminded him he agreed to as becoming DPOA) Witnessing these two manipulate one another over the years was quite interesting.

@lesleytaylor9664 4 жыл бұрын

II love your command of English and how articulate you are, its a pleasure to listen to you

@caroledyer2421 6 жыл бұрын

I have a narc sister. We had a good childhood. No abusive behaviour.....Don't believe she is this way due to childhood ...Now my mum has early dementia...how can i stop the narc manipulatining even more than ever. And also causing chaos at defying the will and taking what she wants...i have no contact with her. I'm so worried

@annjuurinen9484 10 жыл бұрын

This is fascinating. Thank you.

@Masaichi-ux5lf 5 ай бұрын

Awesome sauce. Extremely informative with great clarity. Good work. Nice tone. Thankyouverymuch God bless l.a

@Adjei88 11 жыл бұрын

same here, but my narcissism actually comes from my parents who have been just as narcissistic and even worse, make sure you dont give in if they are narcs because you would be supplying them!

@SrdjanPavlovic11080 6 жыл бұрын

I would like to know what will happen with "scapegoat child" if narcissistic parents loose "golden child" in car accident???

@carmelwine7610 5 жыл бұрын

Srdjan Pavlovic That's easy to answer. They'll blame it on the scapegoat.

@junudhungana5023 5 жыл бұрын

Srdjan Pavlovic metoo I also want to know that ....Both my parents are narcissists and I am the scapegoat in family and my only brother is the golden child...

@leerylifeform 5 жыл бұрын

The parent lets the scapegoat child know that it should have been him. He denies the child a grieving process by keeping everything remaining to himself. The child is not permitted to talk about sibling. It my father's case, he was denied knowledge of the physical remains. Worse things happened that are hard to even put into words. My father was forced to see and even handle the body, carry the coffin, as it was treated like junk to be discarded. In other words, the death was weaponized and used to punish and traumatize my father.

@Quintpeterson 4 жыл бұрын

@@junudhungana5023 they don't give a F about you ,, they never will they're sick ,,, If you confront them , they will go haywire ,, and call you mentally ill ,,If you want to play a game with them give them hugs and kisses and tell them they're great ,,, they hate that ... put a big smile on your face and walk away knowing your dealing with sick people ,,, brother included ,,, and spend little time with them .. if there is an inheritance ,, make sure your name is in the will or trust ,, and get a lawyer just incase ..

@truthtarot7074 3 жыл бұрын

@@carmelwine7610 😆

@dianet1659 5 жыл бұрын

My husband is Narcissist and never figured out how to secure any secure employment since. Our son is in the 11 th grade. He has not worked since our son has been in kindergarten. Lack of love Depressed, anger, blame. He is extremely controlling towards our young adult daughter. Sad

@TaliWho9 5 жыл бұрын

You describe my ex precisely, extremely sad indeed.

@handfullocheez 11 жыл бұрын

Incredible videos, this one in particular.

@sailhawk05 11 жыл бұрын

I wish I'd seen this years ago...

@StacyFrancis94 4 жыл бұрын

My ex is punishing me after his mother just passed and I feel like I’m going to die.

@amoreparrisbeauty3581 4 жыл бұрын

Staci Osorio Really!? How?

@manifest52 Жыл бұрын

Mine discarded me.

@m7amm33 10 ай бұрын

Lmfao mine was the opposite her dad died. After that everybody in her family starts dying.

@StacyFrancis94 10 ай бұрын

@@amoreparrisbeauty3581 sorry for late reply I am just seeing this. I am so glad that relationship is over whewww. Jesus Christ. I will never get that close to a narcissist again.

@StacyFrancis94 10 ай бұрын

@@manifest52 a blessing in disguise.

@AxelSituation 10 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

@carolsaldana546 4 жыл бұрын

My narcs father abandoned him and his 4 other brothers when they were little. He claimed he was abused at the hands of his mothers boyfriends and or girlfriends he does have a love hate relationship with his now aging alcoholic mother. I don't know how many times he's father died in order for him to claim bereavement. It's one of the most disturbing things my narc has done.

@lillie1990am 12 жыл бұрын

You're a genius.

@blackspade36 8 жыл бұрын

I'm so screwed up In the head. these vids make me more depressed

@csteph974 8 жыл бұрын

+tj th you are not alone. me too

@DraganBakema 8 жыл бұрын

+tj th these films help me.

@raberta156 6 жыл бұрын

not alone

@Tropicalpisces 6 жыл бұрын

b1ackspade_ try to keep your chin up. These videos can go both ways. Richard Grannon over at SpartanLifeCoach is quite soothing because he has been the victim. Sam here, well his voice is so calm because he doesn't say it, but has been the storm. With a double diagnosis of NPD I'm sure there's much destruction in his wake.

@Tropicalpisces 6 жыл бұрын

But I will say that it takes quite a person to use ones "flaws" to help masses of people out. His videos have helped unlock a lot of the mysteries I've been dealing with, so Mr. Vaknin, thank you very much, can't be easy that topic.

@MyLaura999 12 жыл бұрын

This video explains why my ex-bf is a narcissist, he has to live by his parents rules and still do everything they tell him to do. He lives at home with them as he is their only child. His mother talks to him like he is 5 years old, but he is a grown man of 42! He chooses to stay there, everyone can make a choice in life. I left my abuser/violent husband, I had no job, and 3 young children, so it can be done. I had been abused everyway possible, its up to us to live the life we want.

@user-pb8ec9gy2x 3 жыл бұрын

I'm an avoidant pd, but the beginning of the video is so relatable...

@mkadosch 11 жыл бұрын

I believe that this type of personnality is a combination of genes! NPD is hereditary in some way. My mother is a narcissist, my brother too, but not me. Unfortunately, my own SON shows the 9 characteristics of NPD especially now in adolescence. My husband is a very healthy person, our daughter is a normal person but our son is a powerful narcissist! So I presume that the genes jumped one generation!

@rosbifle413 4 жыл бұрын

I honestly don't know how you can't see that you are a narcissist if you are publically stating you're the special one in your family.

@SRBOMBONICA86 3 жыл бұрын

You are a narcissist omg ,so obvious

@godofdeath8785 Жыл бұрын

And tbh whatever you say i think its fkn sucks that you reproduced so now world have more narcissists. I am narcissist/covert narcissist and at least i get that people wouldn't like being around me and i feel myself really sucks because i see people as tools though I want to try to see them as human beings

@m7amm33 10 ай бұрын

@@rosbifle413lmfao she’s lying narcissists are good at lying 😂

@merribright 12 жыл бұрын

The narc ex of mine.... "My parent's are perfect".... his mother smothers and guilts him... his dad has beat his head in the concrete until he has passed out. He irons his shirt's because "I promised my Mom I would".

@GOLTRY2 4 жыл бұрын

I hate you , dont leave me --------------------- borderline

@GaryPotocki82 3 жыл бұрын

I became my father and mother they hated eachother and hated me and i slowly died and hated them I sinned gravely did I make a difference? It's like I made them up in my mind and myself and none of us were really here where I changed drawing the permanent line in the SAND was letting them go... forgiving them and loving them and leaving them to God that's what saved me

@irishdeetalks 6 жыл бұрын

This I found very interesting. I was under the illusion that when his narcissistic parents past, I thought there may have been a chance he 'himself' would drop his narcissistic traits. His Mother underminds him, Enables him & treats him like a baby, '45' yrs of age. His Dad uses him, treats him like a slave and controls him. At a click of his fathers finger 'he jumps' to go to paint his house, fix this that etc..... Yet if he is'nt available or says 'no', His Dad gives him the silent treatment for long periods of time. I am all for respecting our parents and helping them, I wish mine were still here living,. But he acts like a performing Monkey for them, He abandons our needs 'as in our 2 daughters and myself' just to jump hoops for them. He turns into a baby when he is around them. He is an narc himself, But I truly thought it might change 'somewhat when they passed'. Thanks for this it was an eyeopener. I do feel kinda sorry for him, But any hope I had of him changing is GONE as is his lying, sneaky lazy ass. Time to move 4ward and heal

@samvaknin 6 жыл бұрын

Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727

@irishdeetalks 6 жыл бұрын

Thank you 🙏

@MrDonkov 12 жыл бұрын

Good video. You are very good on describing and analysing a narcissist. However, there is one thing I miss in most of your videos. You talk a lot and well about the problem, but you could also show some solutions and guidelines for recovery. Not only problems, solutions too. Don´t end your videos with no answers. It leaves a feeling of helplesness and despair. Cheers!