I have a cat because my ex wife wanted one. Yeah.

Is it named carrot because of the color or because carrots supposedly improve eyesight?

I hope the cat is also orange to make it accurate lol.

Why is Carrot such a fitting name... Amazing

GTFO! They really DO have a back room? Who knew? I wouldn't have any problem adopting a pet with a disability. I can't be at home to do around-the-clock insulin injections or dialysis treatments, but I can accommodate deafness or missing eyes or limbs.

hahahaha. thats funny.

In-flight comedy!

Philly to LA, in Jan of 2010? I did that once on the aforementioned flight.

@@bamachine I'm following this for sure...did two strangers from the same flight 9 years ago cross paths again in a random comment section on YT? I have to know now!! LOL

@@bobbiellison4315 would be funny

Big hugs for your furbaby 🥰

That's how mine was. But we're putting her to sleep on Monday and I gonna miss that so much 😪

@@emmy6380 💙you'll always have those sweet memories, but it sure is tough to lose them even after they've lived a full life🖤

@@emmy6380 ❤ ♥ 💓 💔 💖 💗 ❤ ♥

"Finally! Food! "😂

That was one of the best bits in the show. But honestly it was all great.

Me too!!! I saw a t-shirt that said.. “Trauma” ? - oh, you mean that thing that makes me hilarious! 😂😂😂😂

Chandler Bing moment there

Toxoplasmosis is real , and real bad , in SO many different ways

Right??!!

@Derrick Flyr what? there's different ways of spelling names like Sean and Shawn.

@Derrick Flyr Sorry to break it to you....they have a point 👌

@@humansadness3749 You need to learn how to spell Shaun. Haha had too

@Derrick Flyr I know 3 Dereks and your the old one out with spelling. Lol Derrick Derek both look wrong IMO

My cats are with me all day and night except when they eat and potty.

Cats are like Millenials and Gen z . Many of them are introverted, others are more extroverted and outgoing.

I can literally spoon my cat at night. He is the most needy cat I have ever encountered.

...intermittent 'Ive got an itch' moments.

@@malorie8557 mine is needy as hell too and follows me around the house and wants to be on me all the time XD

Her allergies will eventually disappear. It happened to me. I also used Bioallers animal dander relief for several months and it cured me.

@@mariuskarlowich3909im glad you got over it! Not my sister tho.. its been over 20 years now, she is still allergic to basically every animal that sheds hair

Shows how something negative can actually be a positive... "survived because he was deaf"

You may not realize the power of the good example you are providing to everyone around you💫

What color were your white cats eyes. Usually if they are blue or odd eye color (heterochromia) they are usually born deaf. I had 2 white cats with golden eyes. And only one went deaf at 18, and the other blind when 17. 😊

Absolutely

air port Right. I didn’t want him to end. 😂😂

I lasted about 5 minutes before I decided he's a malfunctioning idiot.

@@DesertScorpionKSA you must be fun at parties ☺️

@@jaquicx9500 it depends on the party.

ahikanana He and his wife are getting divorced. Apparently it wasn’t a failed marriage it was an efficient one. I saw him at the Tacoma Comedy Palace yesterday and he was even more hilarious.

And Jessica

Would you still wish him a good future if he wasn't funny?

@@TheNameTag I'm sure they willl.

That's what stand-up comedy is. Some of them do it for well over an hour!

Aww have a better day tomoz ❤

... if you love stand up, you love awkward.

Hey he was awkward but it works

maby you think he is good i was waiting for him to say something funny i never laughed the whole time

@@stevenherrold5955 I really hope your formatting/grammar is a joke

@@stevenherrold5955 sounds like you live a fun life.

I agree

Agreed, I'd watch his special

@Multi Dimensional Your too young to understand. Go back to watch Paw Patrol.

but he didn't win a "Got Talent" competition, so he gets no playtime on the specials. .

Józef Hofmann facts! Facts! Facts! Amen Brother from The American resistance in Commiefornia

They are very agile animals indeed.

Are you related to thanos, perchance?

@@savagetuner2404 lol maybe you've been on my personal KZfaq channel, check that out ♡♥

And if you are ever inaccurate, buy a scope

He really is accurate on cats. I also have a fat one that won't tolerate a diet and will stand on your head. It's good to know someone else has that going on.

Yes. Very accurate. I love dogs. But they require A LOT of attention. Aint nobody got time for that

Me too, all eight of them!

@@deborah5531 I have eight also!

I'm an animal lover, totally agree! Especially my hyper dog. I have a lazy, old dog people would love as a cat person, but this skit was my hyper puppy so much. Even at 8 months, she doesn't seem like she's going to slow down. Dogs are not for everyone. Cats as well. I love both, however and have best of both worlds. It's hard work. Definitely recommend you to stick to what makes you happy and rescue cats. I rescued my girl that I absolutely became attached to (especially after bottlefeeding) from where I worked or she would've been put down with her siblings :/. Unfortunately, I couldn't adopt the rest. But I bottlefed her. She's very small to this day and my baby. Cats really have tough times getting adopted at times, especially older ones (not so much the kittens), so that always broke my heart. Cat people are underestimated, Imo. Lots of work and care.

For me its purely about the smell, cats dont smell as bad. Dogs want to cover you in their saliva too..

😁🤣

My cat knows when it’s bedtime and sneaks under our bed.

Cats are so judgmental😂 If they had opposable thumbs, they would be our overlords for sure.

Refreshing.

hey KNUCKS, cant tell if youre in pure disbelief or just outright offended...or i guess..your CAPS lock could be on the fritz, i suppose? cool thanx, -c ya

While doing clean funny comedy is a good skill, as long as someone's consistently funny, I'm happy lol

Not to take the wind out of this guy's sails or anything but also check out Brian Regan's "I walked on the moon" Clean humor is a rarity these days.

@@xenon454 clean humor can be impressive but funny is funny. I LOVE a funny comedian that cusses. The cussing is an afterthought to me. Almost nothing is offensive unless it's a threat to an individual or group of ppl. I'm more worried about the actions of criminal politicians than the words they use while committing them. Civility is DEAD (but appreciated when it's supported by civil rights defenders).

i think he is a human.

@@anthony639 I mean, he does kinda look like Jesus, you never know.

He's really good at being human. Zuckerberg should take lessons.

Seems like a good cover...

You should listen to Hampton Yount. He’s great, he always laughs at his own jokes and gets the audience laughing even harder. It’s great

Never have I related harder to a comment

Auto feeder? Enjoy those special moments of being together

Thanks, that really made me laugh 🤣

@@Pupanddodger Glad to help. 😂 She’s also a senior cat. I adopted her 3 years ago. She’s 13 years old now. She definitely lets you know if her auto feeder is out of food. 😂 Old and set in her ways. She likes schedules and is strict about it. 😆

My toddler bit me the other day. She must have learned it from the cat, if you don’t get what you want, you bite.

But then they use your head as a scratching post and you remember, they do care.

Mine is a loving, little weirdo. You got out and she waits at the door for you to come home like a dog😂

@@DiscoTimelordASD "little weirdo" That's what I call my little fluffball sometimes.🤣🤣🤣🤣

@@ciaartin2221 Given they tear around the house like little crazies, it's understandable lol

😹😹

Aww, I love his name! Happy trees, lol!

Did You pick the name?

Bob Ross strikes me as the perfect name for a cat. Hopefully he is as sweet as his namesake!

@@MichelleCzarneckiakaBoogawes he's an awesome cat looks like puss in boots. Color scheme wise and the Golden eyes. Lol

I got a cat 6 years ago and she is my best friend. I can’t think of any other pet I’d wanna have. I like cats because they are so loving and you can snuggle up with them

Same!!!!

i like him too but im a dog person soooooooo...........

Ikr? He was fun. But yeah am also a dog person 😀.

Zero The Only I feel like it's harder to do good clean comedy bit to keep a crowd entranced for this long

Finally someone talked about his hair .

I know. The envy!

he has the same hair as me it even waves the same at the bottom sadly, though, now that I'm 30 it's started thinning out and doesn't look as luscious T_T

I was thinking the exact same thing

His hair's like mine except I'm Blaxican 😛

Lol 😂😆 dogface Zoltan. 😂

I was already like that. I’m not sure I blame him. I like other people’s dog(s) but not the one we have.

He perfectly described how I felt my whole life about dogs.

😂Exactly!!! I was already like that. I have one 🐈‍⬛, 😂

I still love dogs, but his description of both species is SPOT ON!

seighart90 I hoped he would.

I was hoping for that too, but over all he's not bad

Me 2

😂😂 so did I ! Btw I love cats 😻 and I have a dog too 😂 cats are far more intelligent than dogs 😂

😂

I totally understand that! In fact.. you’re just how cats are haha so you might be a total cat person

😂😂😂

People would never guess I'm a cat person With my energy of the sun.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Nick Broomhall Why? There are dogs who are calmer and dogs who are hyperactive. And I think if you have two calmer dogs, they would be ok with some enthusiasm but wouldnt like a person jumping around them or beeing loud constantly. Idk

Hhaa

I felt it too 🤣🤣🤣

Then follow dry bar. All their comedy is clean in my experience thus far

Provo is in Utah... I live here, I don't blink and smile lots.. jk

I know your comment is really old but, I gotta ask, have things turned upside down since I was a kid? Back then, the older folks were, the cleaner they preferred things. Now, Im fifty two and the most caustic it is the more I prefer it. Everyone I know is like that - and it's now the young people that seem to prefer cleaner material. That is, at least, in my world.

@@JoeNietzsche I don't know about other people, but I'm a Christian and I have kids. We don't use profanity in our house. Sometimes a "sh**" might slip out if something bad happens but we've mostly stamped that out of our vocab. We've never been the type to say the f word. It makes us so uncomfortable when we try to watch a movie and they say the f word in ever other sentence. We are not saints, we laugh at dirty jokes and sometimes when a cuss word is used in a joke, it can be really funny. It's the comics who rely so heavily on profanity that I can't stand. Truly GREAT comics never have to rely on profanity for laughs. Also, I don't put these things on TV until after the kids go to bed because I don't want to raise them hearing that stuff all the time. So hopefully when they're older and they have the freedom to watch what they want, it will make them feel uncomfortable too. I hope that by raising my kids like this, I'm contributing to the future of the moral fiber of our society.

@@jennifereddleman6656 Sorry, Jen, but your god doesn't exist. Let me demonstrate: If you god is all powerful and all good, then why do bad things like tsunamis exist? Why does cancer exist? Why do parasites that burrow into the eyes of children, making them blind for the rest of their lives, exist? Does your god want to stop these evils but is unable to? Or, is your god able to stop these evils but just doesn't want to? Either way, if there is a god, it is either not all powerful or not all good. Feel free to pick but one way or another, your god cannot be real. Now, you were saying something about comedy?

He goes from sweet to batshit crazy in no time and I love it!

Just like a cat whose eyes are reflecting a camera flash! 😂🤩

At least WE DID🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

,,funny and local. I want to go to the comedy club but still waiting for the pussies to allow fun. who could have imagined a world being scared to get a cold and being locked down

It's Utah folks though......different sense of humor. I have notice in quite a few living/working there for over a year.

They are a bunch of lds and i was surprised at the amount of laughs he did get honestly🤷 I however thought he was hillarious 🙊 ( lds Mormon not ld learning disabled sorry for not being clear there)

To appreciate the joke you need to have tried to do anything (literally anything) on a memory foam mattress other than just lay there. Eventually your tailbone will be digging into the floor. They also start to tear apart after a while along the "squish lines". And the spiel about "You can put a cup of water on it and it won't spill!" from the commercials? Ask my cat if that's true. lmao But they are the best sleep ever.

I was going to comment this too!! The clean nature of the whole routine was so refreshing and I appreciated it so much.

@@thatwrengirl I didn't even notice it was a clean act before reading this, and that shows that it's well done. Usually when I notice an act is clean is coz it's an overly family friendly cheesy piece of garbage. This Jesus guy is great

Bad language is never funny

@@lovecats6856 it absolutely is

His show Dancin with Drunks isn't clean

I think the memory foam bit was a little raunchy, but I agree he's good!

Raunchy but probably true. If that’s as bad as his comedy gets…

Cats in heat

@@mothtoafire not of they're fixed 😉

I like that I don't have to carry poo bags around.

Exactly… I can’t stand barking. And I can’t stand dog poop on the ground and grass

@@EB-gt1pq cats screwing are the worst sound a domesticated animal can make.

Had a three legged one eyed cat. King of all the other animals. Even the dogs. Nobody messed with Shadow.

🧢

Oh wow aww ❤

Aww! Lala is a yogurt brand that I drink jaja but that’s awesome.

We had a three~legged cat. Named him "Tripod"! :)

Posting from 2020, KZfaq comedy has been a real lifesaver.

I'm 66 and feel the same way ;-)

Don’t be like the 66 year old guy but as a clueless 19 year old. I’m sure you could give me some sound advice

Catin, this further supports my suspicions ; )

Covering, no dear I aspire to be just as cluelessly mature as they ☺️ Oh and no offense to you or actual clueless 19 year olds everywhere. I was once one myself. In fact I did it for an entire year!

I'm 19 but I feel like an infant trying to exist

Ayyye, same gurl!

😂😂 my name's not Jessica but I definitely weigh more than I should due to PCOS and hypothyroidism.

that extra 45 lbs of baby fat let me walk out of a hospital 13 days after a head on, no belts well crutches and a full leg cast

Hi Jessica

Hi Jessica. you sound like tons of fun.

yeah he's really good. easily top 10% of all dry bar comedians

I think that's most comedians, the difference is in whether they can do that or not. At the end of the day that's all comedians do is they impart information on you, but they do so in a way that is somehow funny. Hopefully, or else they're not gonna make it very long. I think most comedy derives from the truth, though. One way or another.

True, true.

My cat (when he still belonged to my aunt, before she passed) was hungry one time and wanted me to wake up, so he slashed me in the face. He was such a dickbag back then.

OMG ! How funny 🤣

Mine would be right In my neck and purr and nibble on my ear lobe till I woke up !

Huge compliment❤

Yes! I can't get past it either. lol

Almost three years later and they still haven't fixed it! 😶

ikr? 🤣

Like this Guy!!! 👏🎈

Same! So sad.

Jeez luieez thank god you laughed more than once. I didn’t know being 60 was that tough lol hahahaha

@@ramintahouri270 I still belly laugh. I just don't usually find the humor of someone decades younger than me all that funny. This was truly an exception.

Yes, I understand. There is a gap in the generational lingo and pop culture. One grows into a way being, relevant to ones own time and upbringing. I’m glad to see you were given the joy of laughter :)

Ok boomer

That’s funny

It's funny in worldly ways....Movies teach kids things that actually require prayer to the author of life....Lord Jesus has the real power. People are their own gods and will find death. Have you seen Hercules lately?!

Heck yeah, that kid's a hero!!!

Truly wonderful he mind of a child is.

Love it!

He's Buddy Christ

I Concur!

Id like to say a quick prayer... Our Lord and mate, Kevin; Free trade be thy name; Thine man bun done, thine hemp pants spun, On us as it is on Kevin. Give us this day our gluten-free bread, And forgive us our Jessicas... As we forgive those who are Jessicas on our heads. In Hipster Jesus' name: Kevin

Could not agree more

Maybe it's the name! My baby Hades is the sweetest cat, he loves to be held like a baby and he's so snuggly

I'm assuming this happened organically, and not through deliberate training, since you don't know how it happened. In that case, my guess is that you've been calling your cats from they were kittens. Kittens have an instinct to respond to their mother's call, and it can be transferred to the human companion. Also, you always make sure to give them positive attention when they make you happy. If it applies to more than simply calling the cat, I'll further guess that you often talk about things that they care about, consistently using the same words for the same things. E.g. you talk about opening the door, when they want the door opened, and while you're opening it, about the food when you're about to feed them, about leaving home when you're about to leave, etcetera. By nature, cat's don't pay much attention to human noises. It's a matter of register; physiologically, they can hear our voice register, but it's outside the register they instinctively pay most attention to. They need to discover an upside to listening to us, such as an improved ability to predict your behavior, or, even better, manipulate it. You can increase the likelihood of getting their attention by speaking in a higher register, but nothing beats speaking often and about things that affect them.

My friend had kittens and wanted to know if I wanted one. I went over, entered the room they were kept in and sat down in a corner. And waited. Hades was the one who crawled into my lap. Like they say, you don't adopt a cat; the cat adopts you. I guess that's about as organic as you can get.

@@LyleAustin "Hades was the one who crawled into my lap." And you've been a loyal pet, ever since? Yeah, I know how that works! It's beautiful when it's reciprocated, though, which it sound like it is.

Mines comes when I whistle at her, or if I leave the room (most of the time). Often she promptly bites me, so I’m not sure if that affection or hatred.

Find a taxidermist.

She’s not judging you. She’s manipulating you into sharing. Not much different than a girlfriend actually.

If you get a whelp and train it right, it'll be chilling and know that he has no chance of getting any of your food. You could even leave the room with food on the table.

@@RoachMcToast I'm a girl and i understand where your coming from cause well i may not have a boyfriend but i have a brother and I'm intent on him sharing his chips

@@onpsxmember I had a beagle that would get on the table, he was courteous enough to wait until we were done eating. I just thought the then wife's younger brother was good at his chores (lazy effer). The dog was especially great at cleaning up around where the toddler ate. Miss the dog, not the wife.

How do you know if your dog is autistic? This is not a joke, I'm really wondering if there is a test or something.

Put a towel on his head while he's sitting, this is what a vet I worked with did, if he leaves it on he's dumb, takes it off fast he's smart. The longer it's on the dumber he is. My dog left it on and went to sleep, go figure.

jesse - you’re* also no hate but just because a comedian is clean doesn’t mean they’ll always have rated G content. Some have clean jokes about sex and drugs, which are very funny as well. Just letting you know in case you think all the comedians are kid friendly.

Ego Johnson Hey thanks. Finding one without swearing is so difficult nowadays. I guess I'm celebrating for me lol. But appreciate the heads up. I'll keep an ear out for the content discussed, for the little ones. Cheers mate 👍🌹

Makes it so.much BETTER

Have you checked out Brian Regan?

Oh man, that hurts when they pull on your hair doing that but it's pretty effective 😅

I just recently discovered dry bar and I love it and I love sultan he's great especially cuz I love cats

Thats probably why they aren't together anymore.

@@simmiedavissimmiesings8185 I just watched whatever special with him talking about being divorced and if his wife was like that at the wedding/rehearsal, given his personality, I can totally see why they’re marriage ended. She was probably way too serious all the time and got tired of him being so laid back.

@@sneakyirishman7090 yeah. Unequally yoked.