when asked "why did you have kids?", my mom always answered "because I cannot afford servants." it wasn't until I was 28 that I realized it was not a joke.

They have children because it's all about their image

Kids are accessories to make them look good.

Their children are a guaranteed source of supply, especially for triangulation.

One of the more mind-bending experiences with my vulnerable narcissist father is to be dismissed and disregarded in private, but to be shown off like a trophy in public.

They don’t have families they have “human resources”.

Short answer: for supply!

My narc mom was actually very involved with us as kids. Sometimes they seem like a good mother when you are little. That’s what makes it so jarring when you get older and see who they really are because you can remember how they were when you were little. And then when you get to adolescence and start trying to be independent, that’s when they flip the switch. And now that I know what is wrong with her, I realize she wasn’t a good mother when we were little. It was all for show. “Look how much I take care of them,” but only when she was getting attention for it. When we were little she was able to control everything about our lives, what we wore, what we ate, who our friends were, how our rooms were set up. But once we became teenagers and wanted to wear what we picked out, wanted to put up posters, start dating, etc. she went to crazy town and never came back. Progressive illness. They are happy as long as they have total control over your life.

Because they want someone to love them. And they need people they can manipulate.

The comment section has a broad range of experiences felt at a personal level. My heart goes out to all of us brave souls who survived and are standing up against narcissistic people.

My father used us for his own validation. He sees us as extensions as himself, so we aren’t allowed to be sad or angry, we have to be happy and perfect all the time.

My father called us “investments” and expected a return.

Just recently moved out of my narc childhood family home.

One reason why my parents adopted me (my mom didn't want to screw up her body with pregnancy) is because all of their friends had kids and they weren't invited to any of those kid birthday parties because they didn't have kids. So they wanted to get kids so they had an excuse to go to more parties. (This is not speculation. My parents told me this many times.) --- When narcissists have kids, it's like getting a dog. It's great to show off when people are around but as soon as everyone's gone, it's right back in the dog house.

Narcissist in my life has no concept of what family means . Creating a family requires commitment, dedication, love , responsibility, selflessness and the putting the children first mentality. The narcissist can’t do that because they embody the ultimate symbols of reckless, selfishness, greed, jealousy, and pride ...all the bad qualities that are designed to destroy families. And the worst part , is the narcissist will infect their own children in order to manipulate and turn them against the other parent, all in order to solidify their complete control over our children

This is literally me! My parents barely knew I existed when I was younger, unless they needed someone to hit or blame. Now that I'm older, pursuing a good career and my golden child sibling is married, they suddenly expect me to have an actual relationship with them. Not interested. Thanks for the trauma, you jerks 😑

My narcissistic Dad will say the most invalidating comments to me and then throw in an I love you at the end like that makes it OK. If that's what he calls love, he can keep it to himself.

I think my narcissistic “mother” had children to trap my father and for supply

My dad always complained about me not visiting him enough, but when i did, he would ignore me the whole time me being there🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

They like the idea of family, but not the actual experience. Their low self-esteem inevitably sabotages any relationship they create and creates a perfect storm of toxicity for any offspring from parental conflict (where the baby becomes a prop for manipulating the s.o.), to the use of the child or children as a source of narc supply. If the other parent leaves the narc parent might isolate the children who then grow up in a deranged bubble which warps the perception for what is healthy, normal, or even what boundaries even are.

Narcs become parents because they don't use birth control. Also it is a way to hook & hold on to the other parent.

To prove that they are normal like everyone else by having a family.That makes them less insecure, more powerful to command.they show off lots of love by making themselves a good man out there,behind the doors they want to use their family for selfish needs.Its just a status. Nothing meaningful

My mom severely emotionally damaged my eldest sibling and wanted to have me to help out with her. She never was interested in me. As early, as four I remember her calling me a little shit or brat. Then, there was a huge age gap between the first set of kids and the next set, which she basically used me for childcare for the second set. Which there was a big difference in treatment with the second set . . . they didn't have to do chores, cook or get jobs. She had cars bought for them. She basically treated them like pets and not people. Case in point, my almost 30 year old sister still lives with her and has never left home because my mom doesn't want to be alone. My mom doesn't care that that has caused my sister to become suicidal and depressed. That's an opportunity for my mom to be the "savior" and keep her further at home.

My narc mom was a single parent with 3 girls.. it was hell. Learned how to 'take care of myself' the best I could from way too early of an age.

I left my narcissistic family system when I was 24. I moved as far away as I could without leaving the country. I received exactly 2 phone calls from my narcissistic father in the subsequent 20 years: one when my grandmother died and another the night before he died. I didn’t take the 2nd call so I’ll never know what he wanted to say, but I think I have found peace with that. He had plenty of opportunities to reach out and respond to my letters and voicemails but he chose not to.

Dr. Ramani - I used to ask myself all the time why they had children. They told us we were not pretty, they refused to play with us, verbally berated us regularly, and treated us as if we were just in the way. And then you said if they didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t be here. You just made me cry. Thank you for saying that.

This is why I refuse to marry and have children even when my peers are doing that. I know I can't handle the responsibility.

Having persistent memories of playing alone growing up because my parents were concerned with themselves, I try to be the best mom to my kids, being as involved as I can

They just want to put on a show for public so that they are feed with validation ! They have this fear of being judged by the society and they get married and have children just to show people how “PERFECT” their life is

This really hits home. This video answers more questions that have been hounding me. Why did they get married and give birth to me? Seriously, why?

For Supply and of course to present certain image to the public . They could care less about family

My child is 32 years old. And I am no longer with the narcissistic husband. I am kicking myself for the lost years that I spent hoping and praying for my husband to change his attitude towards us as a family . At the time did not know or understand anything about narcissistic abuse . But my pain was just the same. The video are a life saving to lots of woman who might get the understanding and set themselves free.Thank you.

I grew up in a Caribbean country and I know my mother had me 1) supposedly in a rushed eloped relationship 2) under a hyper-traditional, hyper-religious, hyper-misogynist atmosphere that said young women need to have children by a certain point in their life, 3) under my even more manipulative, controlling, insulting grandmother's influence. I know she didn't want me nor loved me at all. She was barely physically present in my childhood and even more so emotionally absent. Oddly enough I was more sure of this as a child. Then I entered this relationship with another narcissist that I recently ended once I was triangulated, discarded and devalued until I found out the truth, which I suspected, that he was cheating on me with the person he was triangulating me with. And somewhere in between that 3 year relationship I actually started to believe my parents and grandmother loved me. lol. I am re-realizing the truth and it is actually pretty depressing, saddening and angering but mostly empowering and reassuring. I finally get to grieve a lifetime of mental and emotional (rarely but sometimes physical) abuse and not getting the love I deserved while being lied to and blamed about it.

My immediatte answer is - for validation. So they can say - "Look at me, I'm married. I raised my status". And to have people around for narcissustic supply all the time

I feel like you are speaking my life... It feels so freeing to hear this, someone who finally understands. Narcissistic parents seem to be like running on the same software. They are cookie cutter abusers! Its really disturbing. Thank you for making another great video

Thanks again for another GREAT video. From my experience, the narcissistic parent decides to have children for narcissistic supply. In my culture, where boys are preferred than girls, the narcissistic parent loves to have boys to showoff. On the other hand, when he/she gets a girl, he/she treats her as a maid; to serve them at home. I remember when I was young, we had guests in our house. I was working hard helping my narc mother in the kitchen. One of the guest asked my mother: why you don't get yourself a servant to help you with the housework? She answered her in front of me: why do I have girls?????? Something else I witnessed recently. I was in the family gathering and I saw a narcissistic father (he is my relative) playing happily with his niece. His daughter is 7 years old setting beside me. She told me that she feels sad and hurt because her father wants to play with her cousin and not with her!!! I don't think that they love their children. They just want the narcissistic supply from them.

Because they are good at charming others into a belief of love and tranquility, but they just can’t maintain when their insecurities kick in. And soon their are even more people caught in the octopus’s tentacles. You are so on top of those games. As frustrating as it all is, you are so refreshing to listen to.

This also extends to Narcisists with their furbabies...

Most of the time we were emotional punch bags at home, occasionally he would use us as props to showcase the wonderful husband and father that he was to the rest of the world. The more I look back, the more I feel I lived in a life long hostage situation !!!

I agree my parents should have NEVER had children. Funny thing I said this to my siblings and myself even as a young child. No emotion, no empathy, no compassion. I was the scape goat 🐐in the family

My narc mother went all out. She couldn't have kids, so she adopted me just to fit in.

My parents had me because - they made fun of single people and those with fertility issues (when they were old enough for the other end of the stick), - the privilege/gifts/excuse that come with a child (you can come to work hungover and lie that the child was sick or "problematic", you take their birthday/Christmas gifts, lie to family about made-up costs, have a rage attack in the store and cry "stressed parent", use the child as an excuse when commiting traffic violations or just as a way of bullying police officers to let them off with a warning, etc...) - I truly believe that they genuinely don't understand that things don't "just happen" because they feel entitled to them - you don't have a child that plays piano, if you don't sign them up for music lessons; when you drive home from the maternity ward the messy flat doesn't magically reappear as a suburban house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever that doesn't poop. I don't think that they were ever capable of understanding that a child exists outside of stories and pictures. Or anything else for that matter. They treat everyone and everything this way - a dusty shelf is "cruel fate" or someone else's defect, even an alien invasion would be more likely for them then the fact that they didn't take a cloth and wipe off the dust. Edit: a child is also the ultimate and never-ending gift-giving supply, and a defenseless target. You gift them everything from school grades to grandchildren and financial/material support - or you are an unacceptable ungrateful child. Everything good for or from you is their mercy or sacrifice and your obligation or duty. And society enforces this. E.g. a child's school grades are perceived as the child's stupidity, laziness or problematic "nature" and at the same time their parents sacrifice for the child's education, their permissive and loving parenting style, not punishing the child "enough", etc. No one scolds a problematic parent that they're damaging their child with all night parties, or drinking or rage attacks. (Frequently) Society isn't understanding towards children that spend most if not all their "free" time being a handmaid or fixer to their parent.

"They're afraid of being alone, so they create a system where people have to spend time with them." Absolutely 100% this. My dad values family over everything. If anyone ever dares to not attend a Family Gathering, even if it wasn't announced that we were all supposed to be there, we face his petulant pouting and overt disappointment, his mean teasing, or his rage. If one person doesn't attend, he makes everyone around him miserable because of it.

"When I was with my mother, I sometimes thought of myself as a trophy-something to be flaunted before friends. When out of public view, I sat on the shelf, ignored and forgotten". Joan Frances Casey, ❤️🙏selfhelpchampion

My dream as a little girl was to be a wife & a mother. After our first daughter was born, I swore I would never have anymore of his babies. He portrayed he wanted the same as I, but that was not the case.

You have such a charming charismatic personality doc!

I'm 65 and this made me cry.

I have been in counceling my whole life. I could of gone in crazy home. I am a fighter. I moved away. I get with narc men cause I am working through co dependant. This has been a hard life.

My son’s dad had a child very intentionally. I went through in vitro to help him have the child he always longed for. I was pregnant when he discarded me, but he still wanted to raise our son “together,” but not married, not committed, and with “benefits” from me and other women on the side. I actually tried it for a while (without the benefits - ick!), “for our son’s sake” (narcissist’s words). Once I broke that off, my life became a total nightmare of co-parenting with him. He has new supply, a good woman who helps him parent, and now wants complete control of our son’s life.

Maybe to have someone to blame for their mistakes the rest of their lifes...

And...when N parents are punishing their adult child for an imagined minor infraction with months of the silent treatment, they suddenly pop up to make amends just before one of their special occasions (like their anniversary, etc.) No apology, of course. It's ALL about THEM.

This is so incredibly accurate and insightful. It's amazing how so many NPD individuals are of simply terrified of being alone in general, even just by themselves in a room for even a short amount of time.

I divorced his ass to save myself as well as our children..He was a tornado of destruction in our lives. Thank you Dr Ramini x

This is so validating for me. You spoke of my experience perfectly. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us ❤️♥️♥️❤️

To have someone to take care of them especially when they old.

This makes sense, my ex looooved his children as babies and toddlers, and then they ceased to exist...

I think my parents were securing their future! They always made us believe we owe them something!!!

All my early years I was told by my narcissistic mother that a good daughter would take care of her mother when she is old. She was preparing me for the role of being her nurse... shitty feeling....

"I don't want a side of manipulation with my dinner"!

I swear, it's like you've set up a SPYCAM on my mother-in-law. I don't know why but it strikes me in the heart when I watch these videos and you describe my experiences so aptly. I'm still coming around to the idea that this is so unfortunately common these days😞 Thank God for good info and good help, like here on this channel!

My mother says, "children are toys of parent."

My dad 'required' us to be there all the time :used us for show and to get money from his(generational) narc dad, but rarely paid child support to our mom.... I notice my toxic neighbor, who has five grown kids, hardly get visits from any of them, only to drop off grandchildren briefly...how sad! Thank You Dr Ramani!

This subject was especially sad to me. I've watched this play out my whole life, first with my family of origin and then with my husband. I'm totally getting this. This is the reason I'm sad so much everyday as I replay memories triggered so often by an event or story that is ongoing with the family even though I'm not around them, but it just keeps going on and on. I hear of one of them passing and it makes me sad to remember that there was never any resolve to the devastation. I hear of an attempted suicide and my heart breaks. There is a family member that is a recluse from society. Often it makes me angry. I loved and they were estranged from me. I have tears even though they most likely never think of me. These are tears of love, not just rumination or unwillingness to let go, even though I AM aware that I don't need to let it discouraged my daily living. I can be happy about the escape I found for myself. I have the joy of my own daughters. You ask why my parents had kids. That generation just followed along with the expectations of the times. I know my mother was quite interested in her kids loving HER. She didn't get that her love wasn't about her kids but about herself.

Your last question, Dr. Ramini about why I think my narcissistic parent had kids? To keep my mother...STUCK. No other reason. He succeeded, and she was so afraid to leave for fear of, as she used to say, "ending up a bag lady"

"It's on you whether you want to be your parents source of supply or not" 👏👏👏👏👏

I am reminded of the 1960's song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin about a dad who was too busy for his young son. The boy idolized his dad and wanted to grow up to be just like him. As the dad aged the boy became too busy to spend time with his dad. Yep, the boy became just like his dad.

I've got goosebumps from watching this video. The part of an infant being an accessory? That was exactly my mother! She said she had wanted to have a baby so that she could take it in a wicker basket with her everywhere. Meanwhile, all the real stuff, like soothing me when I cried was the responsibility of my grandma. My mother would just hand me over to her and leave the room. She still hates me even having tears in my eyes, btw., just like expressing any other emotion or feeling. The second she sees it the immediate anger and then contempt appears on her face.

They have children to take care of them, to serve them, to live out their ego, and their "legacy". This is so well-done, Dr. Ramani. My mother stood at the top of a flight of stairs, looking down at me, screaming that she wished that she had aborted me. I was the constant scapegoat. My sister, the other daughter of hers, was the golden child, who was compliant to my mother, and was rewarded for helping be a proxy to my mother, in targeting and bullying me. Some narcissistic abusers have children because they can have convenient narcissistic supply around to exploit, mistreat, neglect, and abuse - and hurt, and torture.

Dr. Ramani, you have just illustrated my entire childhood and young adulthood.

My mom has mentioned “people ask me why I let you move so far away. I told them I respect your decision to live your own life”. I quickly responded with “who would ask you that? I’m in my 50s”. She quickly changed the subject. She also constantly mentions people who have moved close to their aging parents and parents who have moved closer to their children. She makes it sound like her kids are the only ones that have ever moved away from their parents. My parents are big on eliciting sympathy from my cousins who live closer to them. It is also always about the life we had as children and how we are tied to them, and rarely about the families we have been involved in, especially since we didn’t give them biological grandchildren. No wonder I feel like I’ve had no life outside of them that had any importance. My childhood wasn’t really ever about me, but the great life I had, how I could make my parents happy or alleviate their concerns. It’s about how anything I did, and the kind of person I was, was because of the great life I had growing up. Unless it has to do with my lack of motivation and drive, they couldn’t figure out how that happened, must be something wrong in me. Of course I can never be as good as them in anything, especially the qualities they pride themselves on. My childhood was seemingly charmed. When my dad wasn’t working, he was working on the house. My mom stay at home during my young years, made my clothes and involved in my blue birds club. They were very nice and pleasant, as long as I wasn’t selfish, needy, unappreciative , funnier or smarter than them, or took too much attention from them. They took us on family vacations and organized large family get togethers. They were the life of the party, the functional ones, no one could organize like them. I spent so much of my young adult time off going on vacations and attending family get togethers. Now that they are older, it has become obvious that they do not want anyone else to have control, even when they act like they want to be doted on. They want to be included, then my mom complains about having to watch other people’s families (like my sister in law’s brother’s family) opening theIr presents and being together. They cant enjoy other families enjoying each other, because it competes their legacy.

Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your videos helps me a lot to understand the reality. Many wonderful blessings and gifts to you.

I dont know you personally, but I have a sense of pride an love for u mostly bc I can sense you are genuine, kind with a big O'l Heart! Love to share your videos, You are my go to encyclopedia for all things narcissist!!!😘

I always felt like my ex wanted things to work just to say he had a family and a new baby. He never really like doing the things it took to make us work. He was always irritated and bothered by everything we did. He would say I look like a suburban dad. It was the "look like" part that always got me.

My dad tells me all the time😁"I do not love you, its all a big show, ive never loved you and im not sorry for it. Im a horrible father and i dont even care." or "I like full time drinking and bashing my wife and children, its a LIFESTYLE that I believe in" 😂😂😂😂😂he casually says those things. LOL im realising that hes not even good at being a narcissist. Well well.

My Mom 'left' me right after I got my first period. She got busy with her friends and her own world, left me with none to talk with about womanhood. It was a sad experience. Now I've made sure my teenage girl always has me to talk about anything she needs to know.

Very true words Dr. Ramani!

I love my kids and I always wanted them to choose how they want to live. There were other forces though. His father was so proud he played football in high school. His grades went down due to many irons in the fire and he wanted to choose to give up one of his subjects. Well... he asked me what I thought. I told him that it's his decision but worry about injuries and I thought he was a talented in other things too. I felt a little sad he gave up football, but his dad years later would commiserate about his giving up football and this hurt my son's feelings. "It's like he doesn't care that I did better in school" I heard my son say. and he spent a lot of time in his room as a child, but when my husband wasn't there My son and I would hang out together and that was nice.

They had 3 children to destroy them. To maintain narcissistic supply. One of them is dead now. My sister who was 15 years older than me. They destroyed her, and she was and always will be a beautiful soul. She loved me. They pathologised her, just like they do with me. My father, I am convinced, is a full blown psychopath, my mother at the very least an NPD. Labels or not, they abused and tortured their children. Based upon my experience with my older brother, the brand of abuse he got, turned him into one of them. This makes me very sad. Scared. Alone. *And* I Am Healing. I wish i knew what I know know, to help my sister. But I was 30, she was 45 when she died (yes, in our "parents'" care). Sickens me, what they did, and *still* want me to act as though I believe they love me, and nothing ever happened. Recently my father said, "i don't recall, tell me what I did." I replied "Right." Done. I am healing for me, to help others, with my beautiful sister always in my heart

That cat's tail cutting the screen at the end was so cute! I wish we could have a dog or a cat... Thank you, Dr. Ramani! Again, true, sad and insightful. Many times I tried to figure out why my parents wanted children, when they were never truly interested in us. I will ask my mother next time I will be on the phone with her ☺️ I am very curious! Anyway, once by accident I found her letter she wrote to my father before they married. It was the only correspondence between them I have ever found. She stated that they "could have some cute outspring soon". I told her about it and boy, she became mad. Why? She asked me where my father kept the letter and threw it away. I think that with her it was biological clock ticking. She was 32 when my brother was born. She never wanted a second child, since the first one was a boy and she got a lot of validation because of it. She told me once that it was my father who wanted a second kid. Why he wanted children? I am convinced that for the social status and as a show off to the people around.

This is so relatable. I’m adopted and I always wondered why the hell did my mother even want to adopt me if she was only going to make my life so awful. Then I realized. It was never about me. It was about the idea of having a child to show off and feed off of. It is SO MESSED UP. I swear, trying to explain this shit to someone who has never dealt with a narcissist makes you sound psycho. Narcissism is SO twisted. I’m 25 years old and pregnant and I am so so scared of the relationship that’s to come between my child and my mother. She said yesterday she wants to get a car seat for when she comes to take the baby. She does not know that i won’t be letting that happen. I’ve tried to go no contact, it’s not possible and actually caused me much more stress in my life. Keeping my distance and doing what I can. I won’t have peace until she is dead. And even then, I will have long standing issues.

Here are go again... Me gaining this incredible knowledge in my life at a time when I needed the answer to so many unanswered questions about my childhood. I sincerely pray that your messages about Norcissism will reach the still young, the still healthy minded, and still the still uninformed about their norc parent or parents. Keep up yhe good work. I will continue to share your messages with my contacts. Much love to you, Dr Ramani.

You have helped me mentally work through narcissistic abuse. My sister has a cluster B narcissistic personality disorder and has 2 kids and wants more. I worry so much for their safety. Because her abuse was also physical and sexual. But my parents stand by her and still say that regardless of how awful she is that she's a "good parent". I think they feel some guilt of her being that way, even though my parents are amazing care givers.

I have been full no contact with both parents for 2 years now . Although not easy it's provided a sense peace I've never known in my 50 years of life. Your videos have been so helpful. Thank you Doctor❤

I think my (subclinical) narc mother and enabling father had kids as a way of "ticking the box" in terms of what was expected of them in their families, religion, and culture. I feel especially that my mother saw us as yet more things to achieve (and to fill her own sense of emptiness - in short, as narcissistic supply), and less as separate human beings. I remember wishing I had been adopted, because then I would know I had been truly wanted, and not just a homemade accessory to burden my parents with because I didn't fully meet their expectations. My physical needs were well met, but they fell very much short in terms of meeting our emotional and psychological needs. I can think of multiple examples of them expecting automatic compliance - that we just "know" things - without any actual parenting and teaching on their part. I was never physically abused, but I walked on eggshells constantly out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, or of not saying or doing something I was supposed to, or of otherwise falling short of their expectations. As soon as I was old enough to start earning a little money (age 14), I yearned to move out on my own to escape these psychological double binds.

I was thinking about this again the other day. Having both parents that were N was a nightmare for me as the target scapegoat (I am truth teller type to this day). When I was a teen I said to my father "Why did you have seven children you did not want.". He looked at me astounded and said "I love all my children." There was some indignation in there. He had no interest in parenting and was jealous if we had anything. He was the better parent, btw. My mother was all out malignant and severely damaging to her children.

This is a perfect example of how my life with a narcissist husband and his mother was like. So incredibly sad.

Each time I See one of your videos, I understand better and better why My life has been The way it has. Thank You Dr. Ramani!!

Thank you SO much for these videos. I think my dad is a narcissist with a more covert style and I never understood it as narcissism until you laid some of this stuff out. I remember saying once to a friend, “ugh I don’t want to tell my dad about this thing I accomplished because then he’ll be proud of me” and she was EXTREMELY confused and it was then that I realized that was not regular. The way he would look at me when I accomplished something he valued was almost greedy. It was self satisfied smugness and not regular parental pride. It made me feel icky but I couldn’t ever articulate why. And then he would find his way to insert himself into it and give irrelevant or bad advice. Thank you so much for going so in depth because without all the examples and the depth and the glossary I don’t think I would have ever been able to name his behavior narcissism. If I look at the list of symptoms on paper it doesn’t quite sound like him. But hearing all the examples??? At least twice each video I’m like, “were you in my childhood home, Dr. Ramani???”

Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏🏾 needed this

“They’re afraid of being alone, so they have families.” Joke is on my narc ex. Our kids see right through him and want none of it. He talks to them once every couple of weeks, and when he comes into town, he acts so loving, always hugging them. He also demands they drop everything to be at his beck and call because he made such an effort to fly in to see them. I told him he chose to move 1200 miles away before we were even divorced. We aren’t rearranging our lives to suit him. Our daughter only goes out to see him once a year because she’s court ordered to (she’s 16). She’s announced that once she’s 18, she’s changing her last name to mine! I told her to wait until she’s older, like 25. You know, frontal cortex still developing, the place of reasoning.

Dr. Ramini, you are an absolute blessing. I've been subscribed for some time now. And you are to know how much you are helping me understand what I've lived with in a 25 year marriage. This last year has been a popping of light bulbs. He is a covert narc!!! The chaos, gaslighting, emotional neglect, on and on has taken its toll on my two adult children and myself. No one can see it in him. I don't try to talk to any one I know now about it. We are just planning our "move". Ironically a lady at my local bank guessed my situation as I was there talking future financial options. I made a couple subtle remarks, remaining considerate as my son was present, and when she asked me if he was a narcissist I started to cry and shake inside and spent 3 hours in her office talking. She too had a narc abusive marriage. So thank you for bringing so much intelligent conversation, facts and knowledge to so many!! It feels like a very lonely hidden hell to exist in. But people like you make me feel normal. Bless you. I feel God often leads me to your vids . You seem to cover the very topic I need to know and understand at that moment. It gives me the knowledge to know how to explain things to my kids. I can't thank you enough. Please keep helping. Again BLESSINGS Doctor!!

Thank you Dr Ramani for all that you do!!!! I just want to say how thankful I am to my friend for sharing your video with me. I am also so thankful for you making these videos for us. You have literally saved my sanity when I realized that I was not a bad person and how my narcassistic family made me feel that way. Yes, my parents show way more interest in me now that I am older. Especially since I moved to a rural location where they see benefit for themselves to come and get away for weekend while I cater to their every need and prepare healthy dinners, which they let me know if they like or not. While they show interest in my young daughters for few minutes until they need something. One of my daughters is their golden grandchild because of her looks which breaks my heart. I was the scapegoat child. Setting boundaires is key!!! Dr Ramani thank you for taking time to share your wisdom with us. It's so appreciated!!! Forever 🙏

Can you talk more about what you mean about “holding court” - this whole thing was my childhood to a tee

my evil mom and family members just brainwashed me to their slaves

Wow Dr Ramani, your insight is so spot on and you've really put into words what many of us with narcisstic parents can feel but dare not say all in the name of honoring and respecting our mother and father!!! As I get older I am realizing more and more how BOTH of my parents are very skewed and somewhat sick people and it's no wonder I feel traumatized by both of them. I used to have this idea that one of them was more caring than the other, now in both of them I see the manipulative tactics, the lies and how much neither one of them really just don't care unless your giving them narcisstic supply. It's no wonder I tried running away from home when I was 16. Now I'm 50, I'm the scapegoat and I'm still trying to get away from needing them financially without falling prey to getting into a relationship with another controlling narcissist!!! It's no wonder I feel so victimized. There's all this language out there about don't play the victim and all that, sometimes I think some of that really isn't motivational, it can feel like another form of gaslighting. Does anyone else feel that way???

Dr. Ramani im nearly in tears you are so kind and make me feel so loved and valued. I knew at a young age that my mother just had heaps of babies so she could create a little world of her own that she could control. I had this thought when I was about 7 years old, and felt SO guilty for thinking it I never dared say it out loud. I always felt responsible for her happiness and emotional well being and so never criticized her and just gave her compliments and tried to keep her happy because when she was mad or sad or depressed I would feel terribly alone and sunken into darkness. I don't know how I survived my childhood. It is still painful and I am estranged from her and all my siblings who have evolved into narcissists. My Father is so co dependent he is with his 4th narc partner, and will forever chose to be in the shade of a narc over loving me despite my consistent devotion to him, largely due to being overly attached to the only non-narc I grew up around. When you say that surviving narcissistic abuse is a super power I feel comforted, you are such a blessing, thankyou thankyou thankyou.

“I never get ‘me’ time.” It’s a narc way of saying they regret having you. What is child supposed to say to that?

I thank God that my husband and I found each other. Both of us were scapegoats with narcissistic parents and siblings who turned out just like N parents. We so understand and can support each other to stand up against them now. The saying "it's just you and me against the world". A tinge of sadness for our own children. We now know how to explain to them why we have no contact with extended family on both sides. Actually, it was the children(Truth Tellers!) who first noticed the weird interaction with extended family - how they give us the silent treatment then making a big show of playing happy families at events.

They want because family can make them look 'normal', but when they have it, they won't make any effort or sacrifice. Put him/herself first above all member family

My parents had children purely as bragging rights. If we didn’t do what they demanded, love was withheld. They didn’t approve of my husband, so they boycotted my wedding. And I was actually the golden child because I have two doctorate degrees (bragging rights), and my poor sister was the “loser” with only a masters. Triangulation was just par for the course to ensure my sister and I were never close, and it worked. My mother would go and tell my sister things to have her hate me because she never wanted us to be close, and it worked. My parents would insist on paying off my house and car so they could then use it against me later on to say how they do so much for me. My dad actually has it recorded how many times he drove me to college over the course of 6 years and throws it in my face. Everything Dr. Ramani said rings true for me.