Sounds like you're in denial of your vulnerability or detached from your feelings.

As an FA this resonates 100% . And as an FA I don't think people realize how easily we are hurt and if we feel betrayed or unable to trust we will never again allow that person in.

@@tahirabruce477 Absolutely right. That's why I knew this friendship that was so dear to me was over. He betrayed me, then stonewalled me and ghosted me when I tried to talk to him about it gently. There's no coming back from that in my mind, at least not that I can see. Once someone has broken my trust, I go cold and I've never successfully re-connected. It's been a very painful experience trying to heal from this as it exposed several of my core wounds simultaneously. On the plus side it is what caused me to seek out healing which is how I learned about Attachment Theory, so the pain has that silver lining!

Holy smokes! Ditto, almost verbatim a conversation with my wife last night, about what happened between a life long friend( of 43 years) and i. Same scenario Blows my mind how Accurate this stuff is!

@@tahirabruce477 oh my goodness, i thought i was unique! After somebody Loses my trust, I give them an opportunity to clarify, and if they reiterate, Or double down what they just said then they are done! Outside the circle of trust . I will be friendly, but at an arm's length, I do give a chance or 2 to see if it's really what they meant

This is one of the most relatable things I've ever read!

Would you consider re engaging in a relationship with that person in the future when you aren’t feeling overwhelmed?

Wow this is unbelievably relatable for me… it feels like something I could’ve written if I could really connect my feelings to words better. Thank you for sharing ❤

I'm great at handling other people's emotional crisis in any area but not mine 😑

Same girl!

Hope you sent out your apologies. :D

😂 spot on

Anything a partner can do? Just wait?

There can be that sudden fear afterwards that I've said too much and feel exposed and unsafe.

You described it perfectly.

How long were you together for? I am an AP and my gf is DA (I think). I dont find it too clingy to want to see her more than once a week for lunch. About 3 months in now, started of great, went on extended weekends already, a month ago she started to distance herself. Want to give her space but no idea how long I can last...she's truly great and I want to wait for her to come closer..

It depends if you communicated you need for space in a healthy way and gave it context. Otherwise she won't understand what's going on and naturally she will feel ti's not worth her time if you're not interested.

@@sloveniaproducer We were together about 3 years. I was push-pull. It bothered her. Unfortunately we never sat down to discuss this. Plain poor communication.

@@kateb5828 I admit my fault for never telling her I needed more space. Actually after being together for 3 years, I didn't call her for a month (infuriated her, an AP) because I was trying to make up my mind whether to ask her to marry me. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. My job was not stable, a big concern to me. Not telling her was bad on my part but it aggravated me she didn't pick up the phone to express concern about me - sick in hospital, bad car accident, etc. It was just all around poor communication. We got mad at each other and that was it. Immature behavior on both sides.

@@gregoryritchie7852 I'm sorry to hear that! It always comes down to communication and transparency. It would make both lives sooo much easier. In my case I've done a lottttt of research and she is definitely a DA, while I'm a heavy AP, so definitely not an ideal combination. However...knowing her attachment style it makes me wonder if I can get through to her. I guess we got to that stage 2 months in, having gone on a few dates/hikes and extended weekends, wheter vulnerability would have been required and she got scared so started to distance herself. I asked her once "What is it that you would require from me in terms of the relationship?" and she just replied "what kind of question is that". While we've had some talks, she was never really vulnerable with me, which is understandable. In my case I've done a lot of self development so it's easier for me to communicate these things/feelings. I realised if I'm too direct with my expectations though it would only push her away further, so I've tried to tell her things in smaller doses so as not to scare her too much. There's also an age difference, she's 26, I'm 34, and she hasn't had a serious realtionship yet. A bit ironically, her last one ended after 6 months as the guy wouldn't find time for her on weekends...He might have been an FA I think, as DA vs. FA are easier to get a long with - doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship. But yea, even though we've been togehter for 3 months, she makes me want to be a better person, her values are aliigned with mine, she's gorgeous...hence why I can't just give up on getting through to her. She says she values me being by her side, yet won't show it through actions - spending more time together. Yesterday I was upfront and said direclty what I wished would happen - find compromises so we could spend more time together, and she replied "mhmm", and when I wanted to confirm that by asking if she still wanted to be my little mouse and to work with me on finding time to spend with eachother, she never replied (although answered few other messages that followed). Should I ask her about it why she didn't reply or just forget it and take that as the answer? I'm also at the point to decide whether I want to play the txting distance game and reply every now and then, or to give up and let her go...I've read that DA's value people that stick around and let them in their inner circle, so....ahh! It is teaching me, however, to try to work on myself more and as matthew hussey once said "don't focus on them leaving you, but work on you being ok if they do." That's my goal right now...

Heartfelt. The constant gaslighting, lack of responsibility, criticizing, neglect of my needs, entitlment... And triangulation by cheaing.

Same here! Love bombed on and off for years....finally had sex, which was initiated by me, and he's gone within 24 hours. See him a week later in a bar, where he is treating me like a STRANGER. The whole experience has been disturbing.

Been there, Shauty. Opted out. Trauma bond.

@@sherriflemming3218 exxxxactly. I’m good on it

@@shauty05 I'm glad to hear it! You deserve to be safe.

I have Venus in Scorpio and this fits me a T!

Going through a separation and I relate to this. Learning so much not from the videos but from the people who comment on them.

My ex AA cried a lot I felt so painfully ashamed that I couldn't be exactly what she wanted that I called it off after 3 years. I am bad defective if I can't be how she wants me to be. Made herself out to be the victim even though I was having panic attacks constantly too, depression, dissociating derealisation. AA' s Ive been on both sides in relationships. They equally suck. But to say one is worse than the other is definitely debatable. Feeling trapped and like your life is over is herrendous too.

So AA's stop playing the victim card as she did. Both feel the pain

Yes I would love to know too!My gf is the same and communicating with her is really hard cause of this

It's all about knowing each other needs and expectations. Couple's counselling or actively talking and dealing about attachment styles can help. Does the other even know about all of this?

With some people you can not have deep conversations. Like they just do not know how to do it, how to hear what other person speaks, they just want them to end and proceed with something on the surface level. Some people seem to be able to do deep conversations, but it might be all about them and when they are in crisis, then they very well know how to do it and they suck the support out of you, but when it vice versa, then they suddenly brush off all what you are going through and do not offer the same empathy and support. There are many various types of people. I do not think you can change them if they are not willing to go there and learn.

Yes, it is a LOT of suffering for FA partner. They seem totally committed from the beginning. They are amazing partners. Then communication becomes a problem. Their avoidance of conflict makes even a secure partner think twice about brining conflict up. And then it's hopeless. Small thing blows up, and the relationship is over. Then after the breakup they want to be friends. They show signs of wanting to get back together. The ex partner plays into those signs, and then the FA will feel like things are going to quick and avoid again. It's a painful struggle.

GAS are wonderful partners! They just need affirmation, unconditional acceptance, understanding of what makes you you and why you behave in a given way if it isn't what they're used to. Yes they may become anxious if yiu're dismissive or fismissive if you're anxious but those things can heal if they understand themselves and an FA is likely to be the first person to understand themselves deeply in the way they want to understand others. Learn their love languages. Often quality time, deep conversations and non-sexual physical affection. With these they will feel deep gonbection and feel truly loved.

That’s what I’m sayin. My partner is DA and he really can’t even keep a conversation going in the first place never mind something that I’m trying to open up about. 😂😂😂😂

@@llgoulet74 I think a DA doesn't recognise our bids for connection or conversation...the initial opener we throw out seems a bit pointless to them so they just answer that and don't open the door to the conversation we hoped for because they don't realise that's what we were sending a bid for or maybe why we would even want that, because they've not had meaningful connection modelled to them. Maybe we have to plunge straight in with what we wanted to lead up to. But we have such a fear of being direct and not being received because of what was modelled to US. We are used to reading subtleties and walking on eggshells and that If someone is blunt it means they're displeased with us or even angry...which is time to get out of there! 😂

Exactly, I also missed that part in this video. Not all FAs have this, some might have it milder and being able to be vulnerable. I think its also a problem that not all partners are willing to participate in deep conversations. In this case its not an FA problem, if they are willing to open up and share really vulnerable, emotionally charged things for them. I confirm that more times than not people, even really close friends and even partners would drop the ball then it starts going deep.

I have a really basic term for this; not in good working order

@@Alphacentauri819 Yes now I get it :) FAs do not like to admit they are vulnerable because that is weak, so they prefer to pretend they are just better because they talk openly about things that other cannot, meaning they will talk about their personal concerns, however you having to understand that intimate statements are not about their weakness. Now that is a twist of a explanation that a narcissist may give... Vulnerability has a single definition, is not our perception about it.

If by chance you are an AP.... I've found additional heightened challenges (when I was more unhealthy) that I found myself dating an AP because I'd be attracted to things in the person that were providing needs that was lacking of in life. This intensifies things/attraction at first, but then I felt like how things were, were not sustainable and I'd start feeling trapped/suffocated. Then when I'd pull away it would trigger the AP to grasp more, which made me really pull away and distance. I'm sorry for whatever pain an FA had in your life ♡ All FAs are at different stages though. While patterns might happen, it takes two wanting to make it work, and also the right timing in life. It doesn't mean FAs don't care though... we don't even know what's exactly happening, just the uncomfortable feeling pressuring us. I felt dreadful years later when I realized what was happening though.

@@breonnabarker4222 when or how did you realise what was causing you to react the way the way you did? Was it just a sudden epiphany or did it take a few relationships to make you realise, or was it getting introduced to attachment theory videos like this one and having it resonate with you? FA’s seem to be more interested in wondering why they behave the way they do than DAs. I wonder why that is. Either way, good luck on your healing journey and on becoming more secure.

@@notoriousmf6157 I mostly kept away from people that would get attached. It was a mixture of videos/knowledge such as these videos, as well as the right timing in my life and recognizing wanting to change. .....and you too

Giving someone your whole heart and then being emotionally abandoned and left for weeks and weeks and then breaking up and learning he was an FA. My heart is still broken 💔

@@Alphacentauri819 life's too short to deal with them...sorry, but it's a simple solution to enrich one's life. Cheers.