Contact me please :(

After many years of being in this kind of relationship, I'm definitely traumatized, from going down the rabbit hole with him over & over, enabling, Co dependent etc etc, Tired of being his own private ATM machine! Have to leave to save my sanity. Amber, you've been great. You gave me comfort with understanding what it was like for me. I pray you will not lose your faith in trying to help others. I admire your strength for doing this!

So indeed feel you ..had my 24 year old son with mental illness alcholizm and meth addiction( smokes and weed) on one side and my past partner mental unwellness and booze and meth on the other side ...I was living in a Vice ..almost ate s ton of edibles and slip into forever sleep in the cold river....got them both out this past 9 months ..and now both back around ..will not let either in the house 🥺really hard stuff ..but my life preserver is on tight and I'm not letting go ...💜🕊💫✊many blessings to you💜🕊💫✊

@@krisbritain8228 yessss same ..with son and past partner...I am EXHAUSTED ..but also defending boundries like NEVER BEFOR ...building them defending them ..finger on the disl for police and crisis lines...I WILL NOT LET EITHER back in my home ..even thou my son grew up here ..HARD STUFF...but after years you come to understand you cant save others if you are going down with the sinking ship...

The need to incite a fight to release painful emotions is something we’ve all experienced. And of course it does no good. People with addiction disorders want what they want when they want it and other humans either get in their way or help them get what they want.

Goodness Caitlin, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you found some help in this video

I feel the exact same way. These video have helped me process what I'm thinking and feeling and show me that I'm not alone. Or crazy.

Omg. It took me months and months to stop searching my house

Al anon has helped me soooooo much. XOXO

I started crying within a few minutes too. This is all so hard

You can't take this personally. You must see it for what it is: reality, no matter how hard it is, that is the truth. For addicts, their number 1 place is their addiction, it doesn't matter who we are in their lives, we only have second place and it's not because they are bad, it's a disease, it's not something they can control or do it out of evil, it's just something that we must accept and learn to live with it without suffering... Accept and move on with our own life.

There first and only love is their addiction, doesn't matter what the drug is?

It is devastating to realize how easily you can be pushed aside for a cheap bottle of vodka . Over and over again !

Same, my 27 year old daughter is my qualifier.

I'm here too.

How are you now

@@skeeza76how are you now

Bedtime is the hardest time I think .

How long did it take to get better?

@@PutTheShovelDown my recovery started when my son and I moved out. I began counseling and made most of my recovery the first year. I am still recovering, but now I can watch your awesome videos and read others’ stories with minimal emotional reaction or attachment. I feel free now 🦋

@@PutTheShovelDown it’s been 11 years since we left, but he’s still drinking heavily.

Hi Kat1! so glad this was helpful!

A great piece of advice. 😃😁📣🤯🙏 Talking to normal people about normal things will help keep you from obsessing so much, which will help you have more control over all those feelings!

@@PutTheShovelDown exactly. During the experience with an addict, he/she would try to manipulate you the way he/she behave is normal. Being the caring person, you want to try to understand and be accepting of them, which in turn can twist your own perception of reality. When you connect more with more "normal" people, that is when you realize how far the addicts' logics have gone.

@@PutTheShovelDown sometimes you do not even need to talk about the experience in question, just being treated properly and normally by regular folks can bring you back from the rabbit hole, realizing what you have been experiencing is abnormal and disrespectful etc.

@@PutTheShovelDown what I also find very helpful is simply disengage from those rationalization/right/wrong conversations, both internally with yourself and externally with the addicts. Just let yourself be you and let the addicts be the addict, do not try to figure out what and who is right or wrong. Just be your happy self despite who they are being.

A. Ye I had to come to that too, but I still find it hard to focus on me at times.

It truely feels like living on a roller coaster. You're on the hills and loops but not the one in control!

You are so right finding the right therapist! After 51 yrs & we’re both retired @ 65 now 71 ! He started hanging with alcoholics friends so that doesn’t help! Walked out 1 1/2 yrs ago! Gotten in little fender bender paid cash to get fix. 8 months into settling our assets before we lose it all! God help me! Vodka was the choice of addiction!

They are sadly everywhere and lie to get in

That's great advice, Curtis!

I appreciate that!

Wow Madonna, I can't blame you for being upset. That would be very hurtful!

They will always choose "it" over you."It" is the mistress.

With all do respect, he chose it in the beginning, but unless they are not mentally addicted, saying they choose the addiction over you is simplifying something that is complex and not actually a reflection on you. I hope it is fair to assume your partner is mentally/physiologically addicted. People who are simply physically addicted do not get any mental cravings for their drug/drink of choice. For example, my mother was prescribed pain pills for spine surgery. She did not abuse them, but developed a physical dependance. It was simple for her to make a taper plan and get off the pills. She followed the plan, tapered off, and that was that. Her lack of a mental addiction along with the taper plan made this straightforward and achievable. She was not an addict for that reason. An addict has used their drink/drug to the point of a mental dependance to where it is no longer simply a choice. Some addicts do not have serious physical dependency, only mental, while most addicts get to a point where their physiological state has changed. Their mental need/craving for the substance has changed their physical state. The brain has incorporated the substance into a normal part of the brain and body's functioning. It can become involuntary, almost like breathing or feeling hunger cravings. The need to drink or use is survival, it is wellness, and it is mental stability and peace. It is how they cope, it is their answer to anxiety, stress, and suffering, and without it, the result is a withdrawal that is debilitating. The brain will fire off horrendous symptoms. Symptoms that manifest mentally and physically to force you to use that drug or substance. The brain will create pain, anxiety, sickness in the form of nausea, headaches, diarrhea, aches, vomiting, depression, and much more and in all and any combination. That is why people fundamentally change who they would be sober... They are basically hijacked mentally and physically. A person can sincerely wish to be free of the drink or drug, but this physiological state does not easily allow it. They have to get through a detox for the physical withdrawal. Then after that 1-4 week period, depending on what they are addicted to, next begins the mental battle for healing the brain. This is called Post Acute Withdrawal. It is known to last a month to a couple years. It is different for everyone and depends on the severity of use as well as their specific body and situation. This is all impacted by their environment, their diet, and their relationships in life. They are all intertwined and impacted by each other. It is not simply him "not loving you enough". It goes far deeper than that. You could leave forever tomorrow, and he would still be making negative and self sabotaging choices due to the toxic nature of abusing the brain/body poison that is alcohol. He is stuck in a brain pattern of poisoning himself, and the lenses he sees through impairs better judgment. Of course it does not excuse it, it is simply an explanation. Some people die this way, while others no longer get relief from their addiction, and they strive to get clean and improve... But that is solely for them to feel. You can influence this of course. I highly recommend this CRAFT method explained on this channel! It is a beautiful balance of compassion and boundaries. Please, just be aware of yourself. If you feel it is negatively affecting you to much, or the person is nowhere near ready to even begin the process of healing and stopping addiction, do not try to change them or rush them being ready, and please do not sacrifice your well being and destroy yourself in the process of waiting the unknown amount of days or years it could take. I firmly believe addicts should not date while in addiction, as they do not have the full compacity to honestly be the full healthy partner they are capable of being, due to their brain being hijacked. Each situation is different of course. Wait if you have the tools and patience to help him, and leave if he is nowhere near ready to get help or if he in unwilling to receive help or abuses you despite your patience and understanding, and especially if he has yet to even recognize his addiction and it's negative impact on his life. I wish you all the love and luck dear ❤️ pardon my novel. I left my addicted partner who wasn't ready for help, and am currently receiving help myself for a heavy addiction and sexual and physical abuse. I am simply relaying what i have experienced as well as learned from the professionals helping me 🥲 With all do respect, i hope this helps you realize you are not the problem, and you are enough. It is he who is blinded, and unable to even comprehend how his addiction translates in your relationship and how it impairs his ability to be a healthy and good partner towards you. I hope you can heal from any pain, trauma, or childhood patterns that have or may influence you to stay with an addict who doesn't take actions towards help while dating you. May you make peace with any pain, and come to a point where you do not accept anything unhealthy, and that you also reach a point of being healthy towards yourself.. i pray you are already there. You are loveable, he is sick. And you can transcend and will persevere. with love, Alma .

How are you doing today? Peace be with you ❤☮️🪺🦋

@@oozingplazmaYour comment was helpful to me. ❤ Thank you for sharing it. How are you doing now? Peace be with you ☮️🦋🕊️🪴

So glad this was helpful, Pam. It sounds like it's been a lot of years of pain!

I'd definitely say that situation caused you some trauma! Thank you so much for sharing some of your personal story. We all need to hear how things can turn around for people. You give us HOPE! 🥰

Hi Ali, I'm glad I can be helpful in your journey!

That's right R! There's nothing good inside that box!

Hi Sabrinas. So glad this is helpful! Thank you for the sweet feedback.

Thank you too!

I'm really glad this video was helpful to you, Special K!

Understanding the damage we caused is the first step to repairing those relationships 🤗

I love this technique. I’d have to think REALLY hard to do that. 👍🏼

@@PutTheShovelDown it totally takes all I’ve got but it works 😉

Thanks Coota Cash! I'm so glad this channel is helpful to your during a dark time. 💖

Thanks so much for watching my video Susie, and especially thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!!!

I can hear the conviction in your comment, and I love it! ♥️

@@PutTheShovelDown I can’t thank you, Amber, and your team enough for your videos. You take the crazy, complexity and the dizzying crap out of situations and you show us how to break it down from all angles, then to reflect and the next steps to take. Your content ,voice, humour and calm has helped soothe my brain which was going to explode 🤯. I’ve stopped digging the rabbit hole further. I’ve filled it with self-love, calmness and Amber videos ! I am putting the shovel down! Love you Amber and keep doing what you do, you’re an angel 😇 💗

Thanks for you support!

Wow, thank you William! WElcome to our little community 😁

I'm so glad it was helpful to your, Rachel!

You are so welcome, Jenny!

Hi Fab Franco. I'm glad this video shed a little light in a dark situation for you.

Yay, thank you!

Take a look at this video. It's about this exact topic: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/n6xlitRjz9HQqaM.html

Hi Cross mobile auto repair! Here's a link to my playlist on boundaries. I think it might be helpful: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/apaWjdygqOCcqIk.html

Contact me plz

Awww, thanks Peggy!

Hi Alan, thanks for watching and for leaving the kind feedback

💜💜💜

Thanks Regina!

Hi Madeleine! Welcome to our little community 💖

Wow! He was a true con artist!

You have a unique perspective for sure

Thank you so much, my southern friend! 😁

Thank you so much! I’m really glad you liked it.

I'm so glad these videos help you. That's what keeps me motivated to make them. 😊

It's so true!

I didn't laugh, but I definitely had an "aha" moment! Great.

@@janicerennie422 yes that too. Def a aha moment

Hi Allie, I've actually had many clients who have had to get treatment for depression/anxiety from having to deal with an addicted loved one. It takes a major toll on you!

Much appreciated 😁

Linda Dunn thanks you for watching, Linda!

My pleasure!

💖

It's such a painful thing to go through as a parent. Please get some support. Here's a link to our FREE FB group for parents; facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport

My pleasure!

My pleasure, Crissie!

You're welcome!

Trust me... You can NOT make someone an addict. If that was possible, I'd be the biggest addict ever ( I came from the most addicted family ever!).. My partner at work (Campbell) has 2 son's that have struggled with addiction and those boys couldn't have had a more perfect childhood!

Thanks for watching my Canadian friend, Lyn 💖

You are so welcome

Does it help a little to know that he knows he messed up?

😥❣️

I'm hoping to write a book in the coming year!

Very good!

❄❄🧊⛸❄🧊

That would be awesome! 🚗🚗🚗

Sorry you're in such a bad situation Tracey

Me too x

Me too. And it's getting old.

I'm so sorry. I know and feel your pain.

So true!

Hi roxy hope you have been well. Can I ask if he stayed sober since your last posted.

This could possibly be an Obsessive Compulsive thought. (an intrusive unwanted thought that persists) Similar to, someone who has a compulsive thought that they forgot to turn the stove off or lock the door. Then the person has to go check it over and over again. Do you have a checking behavior associated with the thought? If so, you could look for a therapist who has a specialty in OCD thoughts/and or anxiety.

@@PutTheShovelDown oh yeah. I will consistently reach out either via phone/snapchat/FB any way to get a response. Until I get confirmation the person is ok (because my head is screaming something is wrong the entire time) I become a total mess. Then once I get a call/text back I’m so physically exhausted I literally have to lay down & rest. I just started looking into finding a therapist but I wasn’t sure how/where to even start. I will look into therapists in the areas you mentioned. Your video really made me feel less alone. Thank you 💖

Good question. I had to think about that one a little bit. I'm not sure if I'd call it betrayal trauma because betrayal trauma involves finding out about big long-term lies. Like a long-term affair or long-term drug abuse, you didn't know about. But it can certainly ruin a relationship!

Hi Kay, are you saying you feel traumatized by your friends addiction, or vice versa?

This is her and I. She lives with a alcoholic, violent verbally abusive and has almost died once every month for about a year now. I've been trying to help her and I cant even help myself. So sad.