I deleted all social media recently and realised I had no friends. First time in my life I am healing.

The people who've survived ''the loneliness epidemic'' by having real friends since childhood are some of the luckiest people on earth.

I’ve noticed that people have poor quality interactions now, it’s like if they aren’t amused, or wowed by you, they check out mentally and disappear. Friendships seem impossible these days. The art of deep meaningful communication has been lost

As an introvert, I can say that I feel more lonely when my family member or partner is scrolling on their phone when I’m next to them than when I’m by myself. Makes me wonder if they even need me in the room if they’re not even present.

I've removed FB from my phone and my anxiety reduced drastically. Second best decision i've ever made in my life.

I am from Austria, and what I notice to seemingly be typically US-American is a very transactional view of social relationships. Even the idea that you would not talk to someone because they are not "interesting enough" seems really foreign to me. I talk to whomever happens to be next to me, if the situation alows for it. The funny thing ist, this way, you will have many very interesting conversations. A "consumer mindset" is really detrimental for forming social connections. Only thinking about: "what can this interaction give me? Is it interesting to me? Does it feel good to me? Does it elevate my status?" is thinking from a consumer perspective. But social relationships (those that are nourishing for the soul) are not about that. Thinking more about the other person ("How can I bring some joy to their live?", "How can I help him/her with a problem?") is what really opens you to social interactions. People will recognize this and also switch into this mode of thinking. Thereby, you feel good about yourself and about the interaction. It can happen with very small, daily interactions. In my opinion, not being lonely is about the willingness to connect with others on a very basic human level. It does not have to be thrilling or super interesting and the other person doesn't have to be super smart and influential or anything. It is about being human and sharing this human experience on earth, which is the basis of all connection. If we focused more on this, we would be less lonely, I think. Btw I really like this format of you two talking - I think Drew has great insight and since he seems to be a different personality type than Mark, those two complement each other well to form a more complete picture of issues discussed. Keep on with the format, please! 🙂

The empty calories commentary is spot on. When you eat a lot of processed food, whole foods tend to become unappealing. It’s the same with the “processed socialization” we get online. It’s like drinking sweet juice (concentrated entertainment and validation), without all the pulp (tedious and demanding parts of in-person conversation). It leaves people with no remaining appetite to get together, and it sucks.

30. American. Depressed as fuck. Lonely. Only work. Hate my existence. Given up on dating, career, and happiness. Uhh.. I don't know, man.

Dating apps give people too much "grass is greener" mentality--always thinking you can do better & not giving people a chance.

I live alone but I am very proactive--I go to Meetup groups with people with shared interests, I reach out to people for walks, I call friends & family for video chat. I'm an introvert and it could be easy to lapse into a hermit state, but I am very aware of how necessary IRL social interaction is (one lesson from the pandemic, I guess).

It’s surprising yet validating to hear that there are many of us right now who are feeling lonely. When I’m on social media, it seems like all the posts I see are people who have a large group of friends and are out spending time together.. So it made me ask, “What’s wrong with me and why don’t I have this?” But I guess many of us are feeling lonely nowadays.

Mark be like: “Damn why are people so lonely. Also, this video is sponsored by a company that allows you to get all your meals shipped to your house so you never have to go outside”

'Social' media is not social in any true sense of the word. It needs to be renamed to something, no idea what.

Im gen z and I didn't grow up with a phone that I was on all the time but I DID grow up with a mom that had a phone and was on it all the time. So many memories of us "spending time together" day to day was her sitting next to me scrolling on her phone and not saying a word to me. That is so normalized now a days too. We are going to look back at that in 20 years and think it's the most rude and disrespectful thing. To be so obsessed with your quick dopamine fix that you can't put it down to spend time with someone.

If my husband and I would have initially seen eachother on a dating app, we probably would have both swiped left 😂 I remember when I first met him, I was attracted to him because he had really nice hands, smelled good and had calm energy. Those are things you can't pick up on through a dating profile.

I quit social media because it assumes you need more friends ,but in reality you can for sure go with just one true friend and to be honest friends come and go. It is understandable that some choose to stay ,yet the more mature approach to this is that nobody cares. Everyone should focus on own's life

As someone who moved to central Tokyo from a city with less than a million people I can completely relate to being a gnat on an elephants back. It’s incredibly easy to feel absolutely inconsequential to the movement of your surrounding environment.

To counter the argument of giving kids screens, first step is adults need to get off screens. How do you think kids see the world when every grown adult around them are buried in their own screen 99% of the time, then we tell kids not to use them….

Something I’ve thought about for a while is social media is false connection.

The reality to the dating app unattraction issue is extremely accurate. I once swiped left on a girl I didn't find attractive, and ended up meeting the same girl through a friend at an event she invited me to. She looked exactly the same, yet not only was I very attracted to her physically once it was in-person, but I found myself attracted to her personality immensely. It was so kismet I felt motivated to approach her with the app as a conversation piece. My point is, despite "optimizing" to the Nth degree, dating apps aren't giving us a real representation of another human, yet we judge and subtract these potential matches as if they do.

I'm lonely but I'm also guilty of never reaching out. I just don't want to be a Debbie downer or a 3rd wheel to anyone. I don't drink, work all the time and don't have alot of disposable income to join lots of clubs or activities, I assume I'm pretty boring and most people won't invest enough time to get to know someone nowadays unless you're dynamic or exciting up front. I get out for walks and work out several times a week, and everyone I see has earbuds or headphones nowadays.

Great topic! Dating is also becoming a HUGE challenge nowadays. While we have bigger access to the dating pool (thanks to dating apps), in the end, nobody is willing to really invest time/effort into meeting new people... sad but true 😢

The first part of this hits a major point. We really want to be safe and in our enclaves and not put up with discomfort and that leads us to be cowards. The last part doesnt apply to just kids, it applies to adults. How many adults do you see who cant just wait for someone without looking at their phone or eat without their phone. Lead by example. Everyone put away their phones. Period.

It's not the urbanization, it's America's car friendly distances to get to places in most areas. Here in Europe, I stumble upon acquaintances and meet new people just walking by

I was born in 1983 and I definitely remember life before loneliness in the mid 1990s as a Boy Scout.

I know it’s old but I literally just finished your book "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck" and the ending really got to me. Thank you, Mark!

Being connected is subjective. How many people aren't even present when we are supposed to be "connected" and experiencing life. So many people spend moments in time archiving the experience w/ photos and videos rather than enjoying one another's company.

People have less places to connect that don't involve spending money, which is really tough for young people. Also, I think the stats about less people being interested in dating included people who are just less interested in participating. Like they have the time but want to give that time to other things.

Screens will indeed become the cigarettes of future. Doom scrolling in public will eventually become one of the rudest acts of social indifference possible.

So true about the fact that it takes time to learn someone. That's exacly my objection against dating someone you've never met before. Most of the time you've only scratched the surface before someone says "no" to a second date.

One point that is often overlooked when comparing scandinavia to other contries is tolerance towards loneliness. If you are used to people around you or define your status on personal relationships, you will feel more lonely than Lasse who lives in Lapland in a village of three other families and 20 Huskies. Somewhat ties into the community aspect of significance or feeling valued you guys mentioned

I think dating apps promote our superficial tendencies to keep us coming back. We meet up with people that we genuinely don't like, dismiss them, and go right back to the app to try again. If everyone met their ideal partner, the apps would go bankrupt.

i’m going to be so honest here, i think we as a society (myself and those that i personally know and have interacted with included) are so far gone that this is not fixable, and will only get worse. we have opened pandora’s box and it can no longer be closed.

Im 24/7 alone no family no friends.

In regards to the stat:" the majority of people stopped dating" I'm a 23 years old male European(Italian, I live in a small city of 35'000 ppl) uni student of CS and I have given up on dating for various reasons: * I have tired dating apps in and out for about 4 years and every time I started dating someone it always felt forced *I'm in uni and I need to commute + I'm doing a internship and on top of that I want to keep myself physically and see friends at least once a week. So I don't have a lot of free time... *I never had relationships and I feel like I don't get a lot of the dinamics of relationships, the closest I get to a relationship was when I dated a coworker for months and didn't realize she was into me, but even when I realized I started working about to much in the possible relationship and that made me act weird * And as a cherry on top: I think people of my age expects that the partner is at lists a bit aware about some basically relationship that I tried to learn by reading (your books too lol) but I haven't got the energy to actually try out.because the majority of my free time I just recover from exhaustion caused by the previous activities

These days it’s like even when surrounded by friends and family, yet you still feel disconnected. It’s like being in a crowded room but feeling like you’re the only one there. It’s really a different kind of loneliness, one that creeps in when you least expect it, despite knowing that there are people around you that care about you.

I'm stupid, ugly and slow, and poor, but fighting not to be lonely - and winning!

It’s crazy how uninterested people are on things you find really interesting. Sometimes things that like keep you up at night and other people just shrug it off

I think you've hit on something significant, again, Mark. Good job.

IMO, our paradigm of too many choices gives us a feeling of loneliness. More choices, greater probability of a "wrong" decision.

Fantastic analysis, a lot of which was very fresh for me. I’m so happy I grew up with my friends basically from age ~8 until 26 after having lived together for 8 years. My personality is basically an amalgamation of pieces of all of us, and it’s a huge reason why I do well in any room I ever walk into.

Honestly, sometimes im just bored of dating apps - i think there’s something seriously f’ed up about it. I rather meet people offline even if theyre not very interested to begin with, or just meet friends that have similar interests.

Thank you guys and all of the team ✨

I'm only 30 and I've already learned that some of the things that I enjoy doing is something I wouldn't have done unless someone showed me. Learning new things equals growth imo

I've given up on actively trying to date and it's because I feel frustrated and burnt-out. There's this consistent interaction of the opposite sex immediately being completely sexualy inappropriate after just connecting on a dating app. And if a meeting happens IRL, I'm usually disappointed.

This was a great conversation. Thanks for the value

Great video! It's so important to talk and mostly understand the driving forces behind the loneliness epidemic

Decline in morals, manners, selfishness, show no friendliness, no kindness to people & not giving time to relationships

The issue with dating, in my opinion, is that people come with a lot of bullshit and these days there is an ever increasing number of people who are not willing to put up with it.

As a Gen X-er, I have no friends.

Brilliant episode, thanks guys.

Great insights as usual Mark and Drew! I noticed Mark used the example of pickleball when referring to an activity that was more easily replaced by just going online and receiving the dopamine we all inevitably seek. I beg to differ Mark! I believe one of the main reasons why pickleball is the fastest growing activity/sport is the social dynamic surrounding it. When you play in public parks in open play set ups, which are very common, you play with different people constantly, you feel the vibe/energy/chi, its fun, easy to learn, and becomes addictive for many including myself! I look forward to going to open play not only for the fun of playing but the human connection, Go hang out and watch open play and see all the laughing, camaradarie, kindness and just pure joy. And don't get me started with the dopamine rush of overhead slams, firefights, great shots by 85 year old women! I'm happier, healthier, more socially connected and feel fulfilled living the pickleball life. As the red hot chili peppers sing: "when I find my peace of mind, I'll show you a good time!" Mark: You were confiding to us a few videos ago how you feel a void in your social connection out there in Cali...How about going to the open play at the public parks and start playing?! Any other lonely people reading this?! Give it a try!

Great discussion, I want to take it a step further and say that we as parents help to breed this loneliness in America. I’m on the oldest spectrum of millenials meaning my parents still let me go outside as a free range child which meant I got to make friends with neighborhood kids. Anymore the lack of play with friends for kids I think is perpetuating this epidemic more because as parents nowadays we don’t want to let our children outside in the name of “security” (I’m guilty of this too) even when a child is making friends in school it doesn’t suffice as a meaningful friendship if the parents don’t allot for play dates and times outside of school for kids to get together. Case in point, we’re breeding future generations for loneliness because we’re sheltering our kids far too much

people only text and think that's a friendship

Good episode.

This explains a lot. I used to believe I'm just a person who despises meaningless conversations. I usually try to avoid any form of small talk or unnecessary interactions, mainly because they are awkward and boring. Now I see it plainly, it's not my vice, but a flaw. I actually understand now that I need to make an effort and step out of my comfort zone and go out there to interact with people irl. And endure all these uncomfortable moments because how else are you going to know someone? Have to do it before it's too late and I loose what's left of my social skills for good.

Great podcast, thanks

It's never going to be good enough to watch people on any social media, and send them likes or comments. It's empty mental calories. It's like talking to a photo. Having people in the room with you is always going to be better. We're connected, but we're not THERE. You can't reach out and hug a screen. You can't do anything more than talk AT someone online. It's impossible to talk WITH someone. You can't offer someone a coffee, or show them how you feel, or be THERE for anyone. Being there in person is immensely better than talking to a phone or a screen. You can't swipe away from a real person RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, and we need more real people RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. I know I do.

Recently, i made the decision to distance myself from friends I’ve known for years because we no longer have anything in common nor do we connect like we used to. Staying in friendships solely outta nostalgia and being rooted in memories is not worth it since you’re no longer growing as friends. It’s better to gracefully grow apart and move on. I’m lonely but at least I’m not faking a friendship to avoid loneliness. So now I live in LA with zero friends because it’s too hard to connect with the people here. There’s no sense of community

I have zero friends and no love life, I work all the time and with our economy I can't afford even mortgage for a house or an apartment, no vacation no nothing. Covid is over but I just never get outside, unless it's work or literally a necessity. I'm bad at communication and it's getting worse year by year. I'm just trying to live enough to overcome this, but I feel like everything are going nowhere, I'm 24 and going to die alone, and I actually except that. Good luck everyone, hope you find something that makes you happy)

This is a great topic 💯

The legendary Hollywood writer, actor, producer Orson Welles once said “We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” Technology is just exposing our human nature nothing else. Alone~All one 🧘‍♂️

timely and interesting topic👌NICE

I love this episode ❤❤❤. Your deep analysis can answer my recent questions.

Every time I hear about this problem I just can't relate at all. I don't like socializing, but I also don't feel lonely ever.

Also - being around people who are different makes me feel very lonely - so i avoid that, set boundaries and keep distance.

I think social media makes our expectations too high.

Dear Mark Manson, I would love to see these videos as an audio on Spotify. Id listen to them during my cardio session. Signed, Michael

Mark, you should talk about the explosion of para-social "relationships". It's not about only content creation, but friendly-presence, in particular on Twitch, why "Just chatting" works so good compared to anything else. And if you satisfy the needs of relations, you will not get the efforts to build it. Parasocial satisfied a need but reinforce it too.

Good stuff

Brilliant episode! We need to re-create community where we live, because this is some serious ish.

My take, before we (humans) were living in small communities, were everyone and everything was walking distance, this probably made you feel (and be) far less busy (pick ups and drop offs are not a thing). Also in times past, nothing was more fun then being social and there was no friction to being social (walking distance). In contrast, now, you have TV/movies, internet and a whole host of vices, while also having, more difficulty getting anywhere. This means you feel less desperate for social interaction (but still overall less happy) but it also means everyone you might be trying to invite is less desperate, this increases chance of rejection, rejection hurts, thus, creating a negative feedback loop. There are still ways obviously to have a fulfilling social life, but before it was likely you'd just fall into one (or at least have the drive/desperation to make it happen), now it take active effort while competing not with other people, but with games and the rest.

In my experience and observation with my own friends and teaching college students, the loneliness isn’t just marked by the number of friends but the depth of those relationships- in our classes we would encourage them to talk about meaningful and vulnerable topics and they consistently said they made the best friends in these classes - i wonder if social media and such has made it harder for people to FEEL closeness through these vulnerable connections

Well the reason for loneliness is.What can you do for me? Mentality everyone is obsessed with being rich and successful nobody wants to just be a friend.first questing people ask is what you do for a living? I have 0 friends now many betrayed me and used me after years of being a free therapist and people pleaser I am done with friendships I simply don't want them

Many are no longer having families and only working all the time. People used to have their own families.

On every neuroscience book you all can find the pronciple "use it or lose it", for every neural networking. At every age of the life... It means that necessity switches on, thanks to a bunch of cycles that we can control or not (neurotransmitters and other substances that are used for communication, within our bodies). When heavily injured people, paralyzed on an entire half of the body, return to a state of acceptable ealth and can even reach a goal in life because they worked very hard for a survival necessity... So the question, a philosophical question, must be: what happens when you remove every necessity to a living being? Is this the case, are we too full of every need? We can talk about every strange theory, reductionist or holistic or between. I say it because in the vid is talked about the V. Andreoli theory of "mirror neurons" or "neuroni a specchio". And he says that we are only machines so, in that case, I don't think that any dialogue can exist. We are only machines with mirror patterns, passive and without soul. Everything that I do is mechanical... Period

I never thought at 35 I would be saying this but the world just isn't full of super great positive ppl wishing you the best. I spent years of my life a drunken drugged up disaster and now that I have not been that way in some time I have no desire to be social. I have a loving family a supportive woman lovely children and a crazy job with a diverse cast of characters. Some worth knowing for sure but I don't do anything other than work be home with the kids and or game. Sounds really dull and possibly lonley to some (even my significant other gets irritated with me sometimes) but I just see a lot of negative out there and myself personally am drawn to chaos. I tell my kids be wonderful nice people and lead the lives you choose to live but this is how I live mine. Edit: I'm not sure if I ever truly feel lonely these days. I have days and or periods where I'm possibly down as I feel I miss out on a lot of things and the things I messed up but I appreciate so much these days peace and a mundane lifestyle.

Amazing!!!

The common thread in all of these reasons is that people's inclination to avoid negative feelings or outcomes that make people act in this way.

Keep in mind that it is in the interests of the dating app owners to NOT let people actually connect, esp men. They want people to keep using and using and using the apps.

Spot on.

Excellent

I'm only 5 minutes in and I will say that a big factor for me personally is that I feel my time is very limited and precious and I'm having a hard time sacrificing that time to connect with people I can already tell I won't be able to connect with beyond the usual "hi, how are things" like your next door neighbour. To me it's more of a side effect thing, if people were a bit calmer, less exhausted and driven by anxiety then I'm sure everyone would be more willing to sacrifice more time hearing someone out they don't know very well.

Indefinitely never alone

More ways to be contacted & be distracted & feel like you have to acknowledge so many people leads to withdrawing. Just to be in your own company. I feel for my mum as she’s so disconnected from people yet when I ask her she says she doesn’t need to have that connection. In some way I envy that. Yet fear being completely disconnected from my friends. While at the same time wanting to be alone. There’s so much relatability in how I think to how she is it kind of worries me. Yet she’s happy in herself I think.

This is so true.

I had friends, I lost them all to couples and kids. I never followed that lifestyle and we stopped being compatible ever since. They didn't have time for me anymore and their baby/kid talk was non stop. It's like I got sober and no one else did, it just didn't work anymore.

"My threshold for tolerating social interactions that are not interesting to me is near zero" this is my exact problem living with my small talk-oriented cohousers. I suspect they dislike me for not engaging but nothing's more exhausting and annoying to me. Just say something real or don't say anything at all.

With two jobs and autistic burnout experienced frequently, I simply did not have time and energy for any social life for the past year. My goal each month was to meet with someone socially ONCE a month.

At 23 minutes I think he just said that retired people have nothing to do! That KZfaq wisdom ... What he might have meant to say is that retired people often have greater flexibility due to fewer daily time constraints, and despite that they often have health issues in their later years, they are more open and outgoing and so MAY appreciate being valued by younger people, through helping them out. .....However, some retired people are busier than they ever were!-they're running out of time to do the things they've always wanted to do in life!

@18:30 i feel the smae about small gym clubs, i feel like i'm a part of it, while in bigh gym club, i struggle to see the same faces and make friends.

I've watched loads of podcasts that advertise AG1 but yours actually made me buy it from the poops comment alone 😂

I think joining and creating community groups withing your community are great ways to combat the loneliness epidemic.

When I started reading your book I thought you were Mark Maron. I realized about halfway that you weren't and couldn't finish the book. I'm glad you now do youtube lol

I would not say I have given up on dating but I'm not putting in really any effort to find someone. I put in lots of effort in my 30's and it was mostly miserable. Dating is not fun for me. If I meet someone cool down the line then I will ask her out. I have always been pretty happy living alone though. Being slightly lonely once in a while is way better then being in a bad relationship.

Thomas Merton recognized the problem as far back as 1949: “When men live huddled together without true communication, there seems to be a greater sharing, and a more genuine communion. But this is not communion, only immersion in the general meaninglessness of countless slogans and clichés repeated over and over again so that in the end one listens without hearing and responds without thinking. The constant din of empty words and machine noises, the endless booming of loudspeakers end by making true communication and true communion almost impossible...” Technology today has only made this problem all the more apparent.

Funny enough, i have found that being alone is a great cure for loneliness.

On the subject of dating and loneliness I'm curious to hear your thoughts on ghosting/flaking/being blatantly ignored when it comes to finding a partner and why despite loneliness being an epidemic do people choose to do so (for discussions sake let's assume prior interactions were not abusive or toxic in any shape or form) From personal experience it can make you think "what's the point"? I can swipe 1000 times, walk up and talk to 1000 people but when you get consistently rejected or ignored it can feel discouraging, especially if you put in genuine effort and social awareness.

I don't know why "Lola" is the theme song, but I love that it is...

At around the 28:10 mark, I would like to express that my problem is that I don't have a lot of free time. I work a lot and I'm only 25 years old. However, if I meet someone whom I want to make time for, I will definitely do so. But specifically, being busy and looking for someone and putting in the effort to meet people and get to know them (as mentioned in the first part of the video) is just a very tedious task. I have realized this and I try not to immediately break it off. Instead, I give the connection or whatever there is a chance to get to know them better. I believe this is especially true for online dating because I don't have this issue in real life. When I meet people in person and interact with them, I can immediately sense if there is some potential for a match.