Children might grow up in the same house, but NEVER the same home. I have 3 children, a 12yr old, 6yr old, 10mth old. These children are unique of course, but the critical point is IM a different parent to each of them. They will by definition have different childhood experiences because they have not lived the exact same time line as each other. They have not experienced the same experiences. Parents DO have a massive influence. Be mindful. Be careful. Be loving.

"You have influence but you don't have control." whoop that was so spot-on

"appreciate how powerful the moments can be because of what they mean for you and your child right now, not because of what they mean for your child long-term, which you do not know."

I never read any book, articles, watched videos, about parenting. I took my children one day at the time, respecting them all the time. Never yelled at them, or call them names, or criticized or judging them. My grown-up son told me a while ago, "you were a very good father. You gave us a lot of freedom." My approach was just the basics: without freedom, there is no respect; without respect, there is no love.

I don't want to "blame" my father, but the abuse I had to endure was definitely not my fault. It was all his.

TLDR is not that you have no control over the outcome, it's just that your kids will be shaped by unexpected things from unexpected places and they will copy you in a myriad of ways you didn't foresee.

Oh my- so simplistic... Let's just say that the trauma that parents inflict upon their children has a PROFOUND EFFECT.

"Parenting is about loving my child today, now."---beautiful

Parenting isn't hard --- you give children boundries and love. This gives children security - and that is what they need.

My family is Dutch and German. I'd say that both sides focus more on raising happy children rather than self-reliant children.

No, I won't stop blaming my parents for being abusive.

Some people don't deserve children. I am so resentful for my parents abuse I'd almost rather I wasn't born by them. It makes me ashamed.

I wonder how we can square her main conclusion with the fact that parents’ socioeconomic status is the most consistent and powerful predictor of children’s academic success.

I think her whole conceptualization of “butterfly” and “hurricane” is essentially about accepting the truth that while parents have an affect/influence on their children, there are a lot more factors outside of our control that affect how our children turn out

Its both nature & nurture. An apple seed will grow into an apple tree, that is nature, but how and under what conditions and environment it grows can influence how fruitful and strong the tree grows. Not all siblings are the same, and thats why they all turn out differently in the same environment. In the comments it looks like many parents now pat themselves on the back and will carry on just as they are thinking nothing is their fault.

Thanks youtube for recommending this video for me. I’m a mother of a six-month-old 👦 I literally shed tears when she mentioned her would-have-been doomed first baby👶🏻 The biggest takeaway I get from her experience is that love my child as if tomorrow he was gonna leave...

i got chills when her voice break, dear, thank you for this

My sister was wild and a difficult child so my parents beated her and abused her. I was a calm quite child and would do everything not to upset my parents, I was still beated and abused because I was just a punching bag. The emotional abuse was even stronger towards me in order for me to get a "reaction".

I think what I've learned most from this video, is that, parenting has simultaneously a lot of impact and no impact at all. You could be the meanest parent in the world and still end up with a caring and kind person as your child (and vice versa). We have no idea how our parenting is going to affect our kids. However, how much respect and care we give to are our children might just dictate how mentally-okay they are in the future. So, love your child, treat them with kindness and respect, and spend every day with them like it's the last.

"I'll raise my kid the way I want cause I know it's for the best even if they hate me" NEVER HAVE THAT MENTALITY that will ruin both the lives of you and your children

I don't expect i will cry at the end of watching this.. :(

Holy God this shattered me, and helps me build back with that sentiment - it's about loving him today, now. Thank you for spreading your wisdom, even when it has come from such a hard place. Thank you.

been feeling down depressed since very young and tried to live with it all my life surviving serious episodes with my MS and knowing the importance of mental health I feel alone in a country where depression is not understood or taken seriously. Live with suicidal thoughts every day wishing would be courageous enough to end my hurting being way too painful to take. Where I am now (central Italy) depression is considered not important or serious and the person is left to live with it suffering too much. I admire you a lot and wish could be stronger and smart like you. Thank you for sharing your story and have a serene and merry Christmas. The US is lucky to have you there so close by :)

This also seems to assume parents treat all their children exactly the same which is 1000% not the case

I always wondered how siblings could become so different from each other while still growing in the same environment. Thank you so much for such an enlightening speech.

She has alot of interesting points, but I found it a little one dimensional. She didn't touch on how abusive or neglecting parents will affect their child's development. I am certain that if my father wasn't so cold, manipulative and emotionally demeaning I wouldn't struggle with depression and low self esteem today.

I took this speech's messages with a grain of salt. (As everyone ought to.)

I feel like if I wasn't raised by a bipolar drunk and I was raised in a normal household I might be a different person today. I'm not saying she's wrong I'm just saying I think me and my brother could have had a better chance indifferent circumstances.

God bless him, your son❤️

Parents don’t treat each child the same way within a family, it’s not just parenting style or same events

As a divorced dad, the feeling of not always being there for my boys can be overwhelming. It can be very hard to lose focus and try and anticipate the proverbial hurricane they’re becoming. Thank you for reminding me to love my boys in the moment and stop trying to worry about things that aren’t in my control.

She is half right because whats she is describing is personality, you can never change personality but for her to say your parenting cant effect your child is bull. Abuse or neglect can effect your child or letting them think they are the boss and much more can effect their life. So theres 2 different things

As a new parent the stress you can feel when you believe everything you do can impact your child in the long term is extremely hard even when you feel you need to be happy and positive. Thank you for helping shed some light on what is important. Appreciate how powerful the moment can be because of what they mean for you and your child right now not because of what they mean for your child long term which you do not know. I won't forget those words. Lots of love to all the loving parents and kids out there 💖

this is mind shaking.

Our kids did not pay much attention to what we said. However, what we did had a major effect.

Incredible TED Talk, extremely powerful and informative presentation, many thanks to Mrs. Munakata for creating this presentation.

What can we do? 1 11:49 know that parents matter 2 12:00 know that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict 3 15:28 appreciate how powerful the moments can be

I don't know, I never understood why some people think that violence will earn you respect, why shouting or stern rules will earn you the love of a child. Maybe, they didn't even want children. Maybe, they wanted their children to suffer through what they did. Or maybe, they don't know what to do? Human can be so... so weird. I was raised in a lovely household with loving parents, but I know that not everyone is that lucky. There is such a thin line and once you damage a child you cannot undo that and if then only very very slowly. I am not even having a child and yet I worry of becoming too careless or too careful, too much or too less. I would want my child to be proud of whom they are, to be kind and have a sense of what is fair and what not. Sure, they may be things I cannot control. But what if I lose my patience one day and get loud? I would feel so bad... see my dilemma!?

I never knew love until I hold my child! I love his mother more, I love my parents more, I love myself more... 😍

I love her composure! Just like her husband, I have a different take away too. My take away from this is, ‘Effective public speaking looks like this - ethos, pathos, and logos.’ I want to be like her when I grow up.

"You have influence but you don't have control" my mother should see this.

Im a mother of 2 daughters and i absolutely hate when people try giving me advice on how to parent. Thank you for this . Its beautiful!

What might be added to this theory is that our job as parents is to be as aware as possible to the qualities of each of our children and to respond to them in ways that best meet their individual hereditary makeup.

WOW! I've NEVER heard a parenting talk in this perspective. BRILLIANT!!! THANK YOU!!!🙏🏼🙌🏼😊

Thank you for this. Your knowledge is enlightening, reassuring, and shows great resilience.

Studies in behavioural sciences have managed to ascertain the correlation between different parenting styles and the acquisition of prosocial behaviour among children. Scholars drawn from various social sciences and sociology have continued to study to understand better the connection between different parenting styles and prosocial behaviour in children. Different parenting styles have been identified that parents use to guide their children into the right behavior. The most popular parenting style includes the authoritarian. A notable general issue in parenting is that different parenting styles effectively facilitate the development of prosocial behaviors compared to others. Findings from various studies conducted in this area have revealed that authoritarian parenting style negatively affects prosocial behavior in children. This discussion focuses on reviewing the available literature on how the authoritarian parenting style affects prosocial behavior in children. Parenting style can either be aligned to the aspect of responsiveness or demandingness. According to Carlo et al. (2007), responsiveness refers to parental support and further explains the degree to which a parent exhibit affection in bettering the relationship with their child (Callaghan & Corbit, 2018). On the other hand, demandingness is a dimension of parenting style founded more on the aspect of control and explains the degree to which parents are strict towards their children in enforcing the desired standard of behavior. Authoritarian parenting is one of the styles that is aligned to the dimension of demandingness. Scholars have continued to research and identify whether demandingness and responsiveness have any implications or influence in children's development of prosocial behavior. Understanding elements of parenting and prosocial behavior are important to understanding the influence of authoritarian parenting style and the development of prosocial behaviors. Clark et al. (2015) explain parenting style as the distinct emotional environment created by the parents' attitude during the children's socialization process. Emagnaw and Hong (2018) explain prosocial behaviour as voluntary behaviour that yields a wide range of benefits to other people by being reactive and proactive in responding to other people's needs. Some of the notable elements of prosocial behaviour include sharing, having empathy and sympathy towards others, volunteering, donating to those in need, being concerned with the wellbeing of other people, helping and comforting those going through a hard time (Dunfield, 2014). Researches and studies in this area have focused on understanding the correlation between different parenting styles and their likelihood of enforcing and facilitating the development of prosocial behaviors. As a style aligned and based on demandingness, authoritarian parenting has been found to hinder the development of prosocial behaviors in children. Authoritarian parents use punitive and other power-assertive techniques like yelling, overt depiction of anger, and corporal punishment. (Clark et al., 2015). Parenting style of authoritarian is linked to the low development of prosocial behaviors. Children brought up under authoritarian parenting style exhibit little or no elements of prosocial behaviour. Notably, children under authoritarian parenting tend to demonstrate the other negative extreme of prosocial behavior, which is aggression (Clark et al., 2015). Specifically, using disciplinary enforcement techniques such as corporal punishment and other power-assertive tactics such as yelling results in relational aggression behaviour, low empathy towards others, and significant impairment to the expected prosocial behaviour among children (Clark et al., 2015). Children brought up under the authoritarian parenting style are highly susceptible to antisocial behaviors. According to Clark et al. (2015), authoritarian parenting style has been linked and associated with relational aggression in children. From a behavioural studies perspective, relational aggression is more of opposite of the prosocial behavior and is characterized by depiction and engaging in behaviours that harm other people, especially through manipulating relationships. There is little parent involvement in behavioural monitoring and enforcement of right behaviors, which results in the development of antisocial behaviors. Further, in some instances, authoritarian parenting is also associated with many antisocial behaviours that result in delinquency when a child reaches adolescence and criminal behaviour when they get into adulthood. For this reason, the authoritarian parenting style is a hindrance to the development of prosocial behaviors among children. The authoritarian parenting style is associated with the other extreme of prosocial behaviors such as aggression and manipulation of relationships to hurt others. This information shows that the authoritarian hinders the development of prosocial behavior among children. The authoritarian parenting style hinders the development of prosocial behaviors because of its lack of crucial elements of support and responsiveness among parents. Malonda et al. (2019) affirm that parenting style that demonstrates parental warmth and support is positively associated with prosocial behavior among children. However, when it comes to authoritarian parenting style, the parent depicts harshness and high-level strictness in outlining the rules that must be followed with little or no form of compromise. When children fail to adhere and comply with the set rule, an authoritarian parent responds with corporal punishment. In some instances, authoritarian parenting escalates to being physically and emotionally abusive towards the child. Some of the parents utilize the authoritarian style as they equate it to loving and caring for their children to protect them from the social evils in society. However, authoritarian parenting only results in an impaired relationship between the child and the parent. It creates an atmosphere that results in antisocial behaviors at the expense of prosocial behaviors as expected. Children brought up through authoritarian parenting lack some crucial virtues such as empathy (Clark et al., 2015). The social learning theory can explain the negative implications of authoritarian parenting style and its hindering effect on the development of prosocial behaviors. Social learning postulates that children learn their behaviors by observing those around them, especially the parents (Bandura & Hall, 2018). Children tend to imitate the behaviors and attitudes they observe from those around them. Children brought up by authoritarian parents will tend to acquire antisocial behavioural tendencies associated with aggression, being harsh, and bitter towards others. Being aggressive towards the child to comply with rules will make such children comfortable with being aggressive towards others. These children who become used to violence and physical abuse are more likely to become aggressive and rebellious. Such children are prone to bullying behaviours in school towards their peers. The social environment that the family and parents create within the house is a critical determinant of whether the child will acquire antisocial or prosocial behaviours. In conclusion, the authoritarian parenting style stands as a hindrance to developing prosocial behaviors among children. The authoritarian parenting style is excessively strict and utilizes elements such as corporal punishment and other power-assertive techniques to get the child to comply with the parent's rules. Such a parenting style predisposes the child to acquire antisocial behaviors associated with aggressiveness towards others. The acquisition of antisocial behaviour takes place through observation, as explained through Bandura's social learning theory. Therefore, the use of harsh methods such as corporal punishment, and being strict towards children as in authoritarian parenting style does not translate to fostering prosocial behaviors in children

An beautiful speech, an emotional rollercoaster and a path forward that is as clear as it can be for now. Thank you!

I am crying for your pain, choking on the idea while hearing the message.

“Don’t blame your parents,” yeah, the verbal and emotional abuse my parents put me thorough definitely made me need therapy for years. One of them told my suicidal brother to “stop lying for attention and just do it” and I think he has some trauma from that. But yeah, totally not my parents’ fault...

Parents should do the following 1 Give kids the fundamental feeling of security and love by the age of 5, when their brains get programmed. Lack of this is known for the cause of personality disorders. 2 Understand kids’ feeling and communicate 3 Protect them from serious damage 4 Teach kids very basic, fundamental level of ethics, moral, tenacity, common sense and empathy. Don’t overdo it. Just very basic level. Especially 1 and 2 are the most important.

So beautiful!!!! Thanks so much for keeping us grounded!

Most TED talks resonate with me, but this one seemed off. Yes, we are all born with a genetic blueprint, but how we are ‘built’ is as much determined by nurture as our genetics. We may have predispositions, but environment plays a huge role in who we are as people. It determines whether we develop healthy or maladaptive behaviors. It would be interesting to see the studies. On the other hand, I do take the point that parents aren’t the only influence on a child. The total environment needs to be taken into account. Also, it’s not a one size fits all approach to being a parent. We are all unique and have different perspectives.

Ok yes I get her point. But there are parenting methods, that are damaging to children's mental health. Abuse obviously (sometimes done with the parents best interests at heart) but also modern parenting methods like cry it out, punishment, denying kids feelings, etc pp. These won't shape your kids character but can make them grow up to adults with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, distrust in people... And so much more. So yeah, love your child and don't torture them in the name of parenting.

She is a very beautiful human being ❤

Oh, so touching and inspiring!!! Thanks a lot!

My 8-year old asked me what I was watching that I was crying.

This is about individual strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, etc that we are all born with which determines how we will cope as adults. I think it’s far too simplistic, I understand it’s a ted talk which limits the time available to discuss this, but even with that this is extremely simplistic and somewhat patronising. “Don’t blame your parents” this is an unfair thing to say to people who have grown up in despair and abuse. While they may be born with their own unique coping habits they will absolutely be effected by the way they were raised. Every single child benefits from being being raised in a secure and loving home. Maybe the speaker is using this as a baseline and assuming we will do the same, but it should have been discussed. Parenting does matter when it comes to abuse vs security and love.

Mrs. Munakata is a brave and wise woman.

My sister mentioned we had parents with issues. I remind myself, my parents were not swingers, always delicious food on the table, ability to live in a budget, my father worked faithfully.

After my father tell me that I was his nurse and once he said I didn't like him because I wanted to spend the end of the year with a friend, I began to rethink about it, I think that may had children to be their companions, nurse, being with them and not be allowed to have our own life, it is hard to accept that, but for me it is true.

This is powerful and inspirational! Parenting is to do your best.

Wonderful speech!

Amazingly and positively “creepy” talk..... thank you for putting into words my feelings... very moving indeed....

Outstanding lecture! Her voice is so calming and relaxing!

The speech is giving a huge pass to narcissistic parents that already think they did a great job with their kids when they were manipulative, neglectful, physically emotionally mentally abusive the whole time they had their kids.

That’s very good posture for public speaking.

Excellent. What a beautifully structured and wrapped up speech.

Now, if only my mother listened to me, she wouldn't need me to show her this video, sadly, I should still try, even if all other tries have only gotten me in trouble or been ignored or forgotten

Wow! I really needed to hear this! Thank you!

butterflies and hurricanes.. amazing speech ♥️🙏

Yuko Munakata, You are a force of nature. Thank you!

I say the science is too shallow. Parents can have an enormous impact on their children’s future

Thank you 🙏

We parents cannot in real time know if our intent is interpreted by our child as is our intent... our children, as we did before them, and our parents did before us and so on... interpret our experiences, internalize and integrate our experiences to become who we are... we are the interpreter, arbiter and author of our narrative... we cannot be who we are without having been who we were... we cannot be where we are without having been where we were... we cannot become who we strive to be without first being who we strive to become... progress is incremental, change is cumulative... persist!

Thank you for helping me be a better father. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you

Informative n interesting talk. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.

amazing! tank you!

OMG such a great talk. Thank you and bless you!

This video inspired me to create a Dad parenting advice channel. Thank you Yuko

We fully support this! Great Ted Talk

So relaxing to listen to you 👍

Monotonous... Could have been better delivered, but full of gems of wisdom. Thank you.

I get it, but don't think this rings true when you consider most people's tendency not to be very introspective or honest when thinking about how they cope as a parent. Of course children under the same roof will all differ, look at toxic family dynamics and there are always failures and achievers, parents always claim they are raised the same but they do (through ignorance or not) still contribute in their own ways to the outcome. We're not at all short of this "you're not always responsible, it's them" type perception as it gives good excuse to avoid responsibility.

Thanks!

Wow. Really glad I watched this ted talk!!!

Thank you, your research is not in vain. It gave lots of insight.

5:30 The people who feel shocked and amazed about the differences of other times and places are the same people who drew those insane bicycles. Those among us empowered to draw a bicycle the same way twice are far more perceptive concerning the broad variability of the human condition.

Thank you... here and now...

That's very useful , thank you

I empathize with the people talking about abuse but I feel like saying "but what about... " discounts the great points she talks about like not being the sole reason for a child's outcome which a lot of parents may subconsciously believe when they blame themselves when things go wrong. This TED talk is about parenting advice which is inherently only asked by people with good intentions and want what's best for their children. Any parent who even thought to learn about child development PROBABLY isn't out there abusing their children. You can only encapsulate so much into one TED talk.

This was Everything!!! 💓💓💓💓💓

Thanks! That's was amazing!

Well I have 4 hurricanes raging in my house, their are tearing my butterflies 🦋 wings away 😂

This is something I needed, thank you

Parenting in the same home may wary because children are different, their ages are different, their emotions and needs are different. That doesn't mean, that you can't listen to any parenting advice. You can, just first and foremost listen to your own child, connect with them, talk to them, listen to them from the first days, allow them to feel and lead their life. You don't need to control them. You need to be there for them. Seems like they forgot emotional aspect and just as with different people we connect in different ways, the same goes with the children. And of course understanding their brain and emotional development and working on our own triggers so we can see the situation for what it really is. My IG about parenting @viktorija.bert

Well said and very interesting.

the overall environment the child grows up in influences him or her far more than intentions of the parents. the influences of media, technology, and within that the manifold subtle influences effect the child in unique and unpredictable ways. even the influences parents intend to have can have opposing effects - the greater intent to mold a child can invoke resistance

This is eye opening.

Not surprised to see many comments outright dismissing this because they have the philosophical (and not science based), intuitive worldview that experience is what shapes us.

Same parents don't always parent in the same way for all their children and there are endless number of variables that needs to be taken into account. For example, the mental and emotional maturity of the parent(s) when they have their first and second child; financial security at the time the parents are raising their different children; relationship stability between the parents at the time; etc. Furthermore every human being is born with different personalities and this affects how parents interact with even their own children - just like how your attitude can change between each and every one of your friends depending on who they are, parents unknowingly treat their children differently. It sounds to me she's putting too much emphasis on the "nature" side of the argument and is just brushing aside "nurture".