Hey, quick question. Why did you recently put one of your videos on private?

Isn't the rejection of love, as virtuous as it may be at least a symptom of a lack of self love/of self rejection? Thus making the disproportion of - kindness, love, and attention. Uncomfortable to that person? whether the person giving is liked by the person receiving it or not?

I'm in that situation, my partner adores me and makes my life difficult, in the way that if somebody is less nice with me my partner wants me to not interact with said person. She wants me to block this person from my social media and phone. I said a big no and boy she's pissed.

Dude this happened to me recently to a chick I made out with I splurged on gifts and she started trying to treating me weird and looking weird so I let it go and stayed away for a week and she's all smiley and googly eyed like before

I thought about this all day yesterday, I coined a term for this "Smothering Niceness" also you can call it "Toxic Niceness". Someone I know had tried to weaponize this against me, I'm the only you have, etc. in certain terms is true but I got to my forties before knowing her just right...

Not at all. Being nice to someone means that you are nice. It doesn't obligate anyone to anything. And you don't have to like people, who are nice to you. I am nice to one of my neighbours, who is rather an unlikeable person. I am nice because I am nice. His reaction is always his choice. He is not obligated to be nice back.

It's all a mind game

Its the same way while I would like to see a woman's ass for example. But if she walks around dressed up like a whore with everything exposed. Even though I appreciate the view, she is now longer wife material. If the girl sees you just giving her everything and being extremely nice. Without her even doing anything to be deserving of it, she feels like this is what you do for everyone.

I think that is ultimately the lesson. Love with expectation is not love, it's a business transaction, same goes for if a person can't accept love without expectation.

I get the same impression from other videos here. Playing into anxious or avoidant attachment insecurities instead of just being secure and finding secure people. Leave the insecurities to themself instead of chasing

Some people don't like their butts kissed, some like butt kissing, and it depends on who's butt mostly.

This is well written

This

I agree. I often see myself respecting stern professors more than the "nice" ones. I don't know why...

Yeah I have felt the same way. But it does not come naturally to me , it has to be cultivated. I like the fact that you are aware and have this behaviour being conscious if it.

Well said. 🎉Or de we make people a challenge🤔. I'm not offering any more help or going above myself unless I'm asked or asked to do and yes that's without benefits.

Exactly

That means you’ve learnt the concept of authenticity that attract people like you to be in a close bond, since it is an outcome of being your true self that they like and have accepted, right?

Same.

Seriously lol

He wasn't advising anyone to be mean. He was simply making the point that just because someone is nice it doesn't mean they can automatically expect everyone to indulge their acts of "kindness."

Wow that is a comment full of self reflection and insight... It's inspiring💪

"how we were taught in school and home". This is the main issue, right there: our upbringing tends to prepare us for a world that does not exist. For me, the realization came too late. I'm out of the procreation game for good. Not because I had a bad childhood, or unloving parents. Just because those who raised me were trying too hard to raise a "good person", instead of one that can deal with the world as it is.

Society’s the problem. It really is them, not you

@@Tempusverum I still bare the responsibility and only blame myself for all actions I've made, but I won't teach my impressionable children the same limiting beliefs. Even if they are shamed for not being "nice" enough by those unwilling to get to know their hearts (especially by other adults in their lives), it will provide the best chance to prepare them for this world.

What's a good example of being nice to manipulate? I totally think I agree btw just asking to get a bit deeper

You're awesome mate and I wish I could be just like that allllll the time! :)

Sorry for your loss 🙏 the best way to give is from the heart unconditional with no expectations of anything in return.

God bless you and sorry for your loss!

My condolences for your loss. It is wonderful that you gave your partner your all and the joy it gives you.

My Condolences. But your late Partner must have reciprocated.

yep.

why would u be nice or kind to people for no reason it is a reflection of lack of kindness to ur own self.

Yes!

Yep, I was reading on this "How being good can rub people the wrong way", "It makes them realize you're just making yourself look good and it's making them look real bad". Also that you're getting further than them by being good while they had to lie, with hold truth, and manipulate, yet you're still outdoing them by being a good person. Also mentioned how we should do everything in private that way if they ever where to get a glimpse at our work it would actually be a humbling experience.

Obviously he wasn’t a fan of charity work then

Nope too general

I actually agree with that quote. I've realised that people are more grateful when they ask you for something and you give it to them because you're actually fulfilling a confirmed need

😂😂😂 honor the ballsack

Horrible!

Agreed.

Spot on

That last sentence hits close to home. I've been talking to a friend about how I suffer from loneliness and they have been trying to give me tips on how to be more approachable and relatable, but I just feel out of place doing it. So I asked them if one should really sacrifice their individuality just to be more relatable? Perhaps not. But it's a hard battle to fight

Exactly.

Agreed. This videos advice is for narcissists who have no real life.

Depends on the parent

My spouse of over 20 years ended our relationship the same way. It is a coward's way out, and disrespectful to everyone involved. Since learning this painful lesson, I much more closely monitor my own integrity, and observe and note the quality of others' character as well. I learned that character is by far the most important variable in relationships.

That is horrible! I’m sorry you had to experience that and I hope your heart heals enough to find someone who can authentically love and appreciate you. I definitely think it’s important to point out that when people have unresolved wounds and avoidant attachment styles, they’re not healthy enough to gauge whether or not a person’s actions toward them are genuine. Therefore, genuine care seems “too nice” and becomes repulsive to them due to their lack of self worth. You essentially are mirroring to them a love that they do not possess within themselves and they flee from you. Once you reveal someone’s wounds you become their enemy, regardless of how much you love and consider them or have made a space for them in the past. Kinda like a wounded animal. Even if you’re helping them, they will still act aggressively toward you, not understanding you’re there to bring healing.

L

I did this to a girlfriend I was no longer in love with. There was a power imbalance in the relationship as I had my own apartment and she lived with family. When I fell out of love with her I was short tempered with her, rude, I argued with her and I even cheated on her. I did everything except be a good person and break up with her. I was selfish because I was avoiding the discomfort of hurting someone I had an emotional connection with. Breaking up with someone hurts you as well as them. It's uncomfortable and kind of scary (What if it's a mistake). I know I was emotionally Immature for doing this. My karma repayment is that the girl I am dating now is doing the same to me.

@@grungepants wow! Kudos to you for recognizing how your actions contributed to the situation. Have you reached out to the old gf and how are you handling your current situation?

or simply choose the democratic way as he mentions.

Those people were probably rude and selfish to begin with

Exactly, I don't have the time nor the desire to bother with people that don't enjoy kind people.

Yup, I recently gave gifts to acquaintances and the people who were rude to me about it I've decided to put no further effort into getting to know.

This is a much more logical explanation. I’m guessing you aren’t a psychologist so you didn’t have to make up a bunch of bs.

I would even go further - if you are kind to someone and this person hates the idea of reciprocity and doesn't treat you kind in return, then you can be sure you're dealing with the narcissist.

If it's any consolation, they probably hate it when people DON'T recognize them, too.

So true, man!

No, they just didn't like being babied

“Never meet your heroes” is a saying for a reason

Maybe he's been approached many times the same way by creepy people who wanted to get something from him, how would he know you weren't one of them?

100% this! Most people do not think they are valuable/deserving of love or affection, so when they receive it, it causes cognitive dissonance within their internal framework. The brain would rather the world make sense even if it is painful than to have a nonsensical world which is pleasurable, because one feels real and the other feels fake. The brain is wired to keep you alive, not to make you feel good.

Or it's simply annoying when someone you don't want to be to close, tries to come closer to you and disturb you in your peace with their unwanted "niceties". You sense they want something too what you don't have in store for them..

Think u missed the point of the video

I have a better explanation: kindness is viewed as weakness because society is a cesspool

Are you British? Brits are colder than penguins.

Actually, Mary Poppins is a surprisingly assertive character --- who comes into a situation and changes everything without asking permission. ☂️

@@jimb1580 haha maybe I was pissing everyone off unknown to myself

I relate. Naturally sweet but people have trouble when you are kinder and nicer to them than them to you.

@@starcatcher3691 I think they just don't trust it

I’m having trouble trying not being nice, it doesn’t flow naturally

Exactly this for me too!

Did you ask them if they needed something

@@tysondance7476 I did. Now I’m at the point where I’m distant, and only contribute when invited or allowed, and I only give a fraction of advice I used to give. This seems to be the most effective way to show people I care without suffocating them.

This is actually a good way!

Having to learn this lesson the hard way in a new friendship. In these scenarios, you have to, as the title of another one of Dr's videos states, "give them the gift of your absence."

Sounds like you are manipulating people

@@CariMachet definition of manipulation: Manipulation is the skillful handling, controlling or using of something or someone In response to someone who doesn’t respect you or give you any reciprocity, there is no manipulation in backing off and stopping your attempts to make them like you. I just know my worth and I’m not going to please everyone with the same type of communication. It’s not manipulation, it’s respecting both your boundaries and theirs.

YES!!! I would just say "overly" nice. Make them earn that niceness!

I agree but the operative words here are that THEY THINK, you are compensating for not being good enough. So it demonstrates that person’s worldview where they equate being nice with inadequacy, which is sad for them. No concept of healthy relationships.

FACTS! If someone is less than nice to you, it signals to you think person couldn't care less to keep you or not. Signals an abundance mentality which is always attractive.

Isn't that sad?

Exactly! Pursuit, in the wild, causes a fright or flight response at first. Too much, at any point is smothering. Leave room for everyone to breathe!

Attract, don’t pursue. I like that.

@@13abcdeoh no, they have to reject someone. Boo f’n hoo. Try being in the other position for a change

💯👏

Humans playing dumb games to win stupid prizes

@@13abcde Win stupid prizes.

Yup. Being nice means nothing. It can even get you killed.

Niceity can easily be converted into lowering the other person’s guard, it was certainly like that in more ancient times when survival was much much less guaranteed

Yes, it is. Because according to him you're the selfish and self-centered and crazy one. That just shows how screwed up people are now. Back in the 1970s and early 1980s you'd say, "Good Morning" and people would say Good morning, Someone gave a gift and even if you didn't like it you'd say thank you, because they didn't have to think about you or give it to you." You were greatful for whatever gift a person had in the sense of helping you with anything and said thank you. There were fun family parties and events and people trying to get along. "Have we entered a parrallel universe???" It's a crazy world and anything that is sensibly decent now is selfish, self-centered, evil and mean spirited and hating and yelling and being nasty is considered to be good and unselfish now. Bizarro World!

But you know when I think about it.....back in the 1970s and 1980s everyting was FAMILY ORIENTED AND FAMILY AND THE CHURCH TRAINED YOU ON HOW YOU WERE TO HAVE MANNERS AND HOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ACT. PLUS I FOR GOT WE HAD MR. ROGERS ALSO BACK THEN. BUT NOW WE HAVE THE BUSINESS WORLD MENTALITY DOMINATING SOCIETY AND FAMILIES AND THAT USUALLY INVOLVES POWER STRUGGLES, CUT THROAT COMPETITION (NOW FAMILIES ARE SHOOTING AND KILLING OTHERS) , SOMEONE HELPS SOMEONE IN THE BUSINESS SETTING THE OTHER IS ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT'S YOUR GAME AND DOESN'T BUY WHAT YOU SAY ,TRANSLATES INTO OUR WORLD YOU GIVE A GIFT THE PERSON IS THINKING WHAT'S YOUR GAME. YOUR TRYING TO CONTROL ME,, YOUR TRYING TO HARD, YOUR A STALKER ...ETC. SO IF THEY'RE CRAZY AND INTO OFFICE POLITICS IT'S BECAUSE THE BUSINESS COMPETITIVE WORLD MINDSET AND MENTALITY HAS ENTERED THE FAMILY AND WORLD AND KICKED GOD OUT OF THE FAMILY.

​@@coeniedevilliers8792No, giving anonymously can be taken as decit, or misinformation. For example, if I give my boss who is married an anonymous birthday gift and he somehow figures our it was me, he may take that as I am hitting on him in some trickery, flirtatious kind of way, it's a bad idea.😮

Yes...this is pretty much what I observe. I compliment people genuinely. It makes them and me feel alive, connected. Often brief but a good way for me as I wind my way through the maze of a day

​@@shellae1922 I think I know why I disliked it when someone compliment me. He likes me, but I don't. His compliment comes out as flirting instead of genuine. 😭 Like you say, a good compliment should be genuine indeed. I like it better when friend, family or even stranger compliment me because you know they're being genuine.

🤡

@@Damesanglante 💩

It didn’t used to be like this, nor should it. Modern women are simply broken.

@@Tempusverum I believe modern men are the ones that are broken and modern women are just filtering them out Modern men have no idea how to be men. They’re overly emotional and clingy and only beg for sex. Most of them should be avoided, which is what women are doing

@@Tempusverum Whose fault is that? That women are broken now days.

@@Tempusverum It's largely the fault of their fathers for not being good role models of what to look for in a man as well as modern misogynistic men who will call women stupid and shallow and generalize their whole gender while wanting a relationship as if any women would want to be with someone who hates women. And guess who turns out to be bad fathers? Misogynists.

Be quietly confident, have self respect, show interest in others but don't over give.

Couldn't agree more!

@@user-mg8if8po4e Thank you! 🙂

You are not able to perceive the video. You can watch it but not perceive it...

@@YEC999I can’t perceive your English

Haha. I agree it was horrible, corrected it.

Yes. It's sad that such an obvious sentiment is something that needs to be explained.

Yes -- too much unearned appreciation is suspicious. This is especially important for men to keep in mind in the earliest stages of courtship.

This is what I tend to do but it's naturally who I am so I never expect anything in return. Most of the time it's been detrimental.

Who says you have to be unpleasant? Just being neutral sounds good, especially if you just met the person. Quite a few people get suspicious if a stranger just starts chatting them up or being excessively cheerful (from their point of view). Now if you equate being neutral with being unpleasant, I don't know what else to say.

So... if you come on strong and then get your feelings hurt if they're uncomfortable - that's probably *your* baggage. You're already interpreting that boundary as disrespect. Boundaries are not disrespect, they're just boundaries.

@@themuse11 it all depends on how you communicate those boundaries. If you act like an asshole I'm going to treat you like one. Then that's YOUR baggage.

@@MustbeTheBassest also, noone has a fkin crystal ball...they can always tell you that something is too much. Nothing hard. Honestly I'm tired of this shit, like, just tell me you don't want anything from me and I'll move on. There is no way I would treat someone like an asshole for being nice to me...

The need to humble ourselves is critical

Most people are "damaged goods", messed up by past trauma. What they need is therapy not a love relationship and its not your job/duty to fix them. Move on to more compatible people!

Bravo! Well said 😊👌

THIS!

I'll play devil's advocate - perhaps to some people you come on too strong, and they think your "niceness" is a cover for some ulterior purpose. It's kind of unsettling to see you calling people who don't react positively to you as "insecure, lacking awareness, intuition and faith in positivity." Perhaps you should look in the mirror once in a while?

Yo. Same boat, at least so far as autistic and getting the impact of that. Sounding that helps me a bit is nice vs kind. Nice is an act, like social manners or business smiles or manipulation in the bad light. It's a set of roles that doesn't take the people as they are right then at the main point. You want something. Kind is caring about the person as they are. Healthy might be being wise/skilled/present enough to be kind to yourself and others at the same time. Mostly clarifying my own thoughts. Liked yours too, thanks. Best of luck!

Excellent post - it's refreshing to see you are aware of your effect on others, especially after reading a poster upthread who felt that people who don't respond positively to their "niceness" must be "insecure, lacking awareness, intuition" etc. - maybe that poster needs to examine themselves...

what if they don't have the capacity or desire to give as much as you. that just makes them feel constantly indebted to you. that's not a good feeling for them.

@@StephenHutchins True givers don’t give to receive anything from their friend. It’s love, it’s sacrifice, attention to details and so on. Reciprocating doesn’t hv to be money or material also. Hell prioritizing a friends call, is a form or reciprocity. If you are a giver you will know that when you do, you are not keeping scores or tallying anything. Only manipulative and transactional people do that. So when you give, you typically forget. The problem then comes when the relationship or friendship devolves to you doing everything, and the other party does nothing but complain and guilt you. You are not happy at or around them, nor do they notice nor care that you are even if they do. Because it is all about them. The only “selfish” thing about being a giver i.m.o, is that you can get a lot of joy and happiness for putting a smile on the face of someone or solving their problems especially when it is someone you care about. If you don’t want to reciprocate (then you truly don’t want to be a friend). Then turn their gifts down. It is reserved for friends and you are not being forced to take anything from anyone after all. But these people are way too eager and happy to take. Furthermore, they pretend to reciprocate by doing something and reminding you of it everytime (when you’ve probably done 100 times what they hv done and you’ve never brought it up once afterwards). This video is just a silly attempt to placate selfish people. Reciprocating is not hard, you just hv to know the person (I guess when you can’t be bothered to know the other party, then it becomes somewhat hard).

@@StephenHutchins You k now what I thinnk the problem is. Alot of people have different customs in the North and South. Like in the North I could see someone feeling indebted to give to someone who gave to them. But in the South, they give for love or your family, or your a friend and you don't have to give them anything back unless you want to. So Southerners are more prone to the hospitality bent and Northerners are more into the business way of thinking and now there are alot of Northerners living in the South and people from California and so both groups don't see things the same way. In the South we were trained when I was a kid you say "Good Morning (that's blacks and whites) whether you feel it or not and if you have to fake a smile bc you're not a morning person you do it. You don't go in to work or school with a nasty attitude to make someone else's day miserable with your nasty attitude. You do stuff like that walk in and curse out the teacher or give the finger so to speak because you have a nasty attitude you'd be liable to get a spanking b/c everyone has a crappy day but you need to curb the negativity b/c it travels and then you have a class fighting and if in the office place people come in with guns ablazing and this is exactly what we have going on today. It's called discipline and a lot of people haven't been trained to be disciplined and positive in trying times. The further you go back in time people were trained to be positive inspite of their circumstances which is why you didn't have what we have today folks going into businesses, schools, grocery stores, malls and movies just shooting and killing others.

Ditto...Ditto...Ditto to your comment. When can we be authentically ourselves again!!!

He not talking about strangers.

Doing nice things for strangers makes you feel good about yourself too, so there is a payoff for you.

You're advice is Stellar! Thank you so much for that. And it's true. A little bit of selfishness goes a long way.

This!!! 100% I don't mind being in a respected position I earn, but not a responsible place that I didn't ask for. One of my employees makes me responsible for her day to day emotional status. She's BPD and I cannot handle the role she's put me in her life. I'm so uncomfortable.

This is me how I was raised.

When you learn that everyone else is playing mind games, it’s depressing but you’re less of an easy mark Find out who is a dickhead and treat them accordingly

I am someone who has been "too nice" too. I am glad both of us understand more now.

I think she was bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. Most people are either the adorer or the adored, not both at the same time, all the time.

agree 1-billion %

Dating single girl convinced you that dating _anyone_ was a waste of your time? I can't decide your conclusion, but I feel like that should convince you of dating HER is a waste of your time, if the pattern really repeats, then I would understand coming to that conclusion..

The mating dance bruh… it’s in the dna

Borderline personality or extreme insecurities

Same with me. If someone's in a bad mood, it's on them to own it and communicate their inability to reciprocate. If someone doesn't have that level of consideration, fuck them. Only children and teenagers get more strikes by virtue of their naivety and inexperience. Anyone above 19 and it's one strike and you're out.

Yes sir I’m the same but also what I do is not look for red flags the next lady I give a chance to deserves a clean slate but if she can not appreciate a good man she can fuck off 😂😂

Funny stuff. Funny not funny. It is a lot of wk, you're right. Looks like most people that I've been reading in comments are mostly responding to a romantic situations. I am mostly responding to social or work situations... or even romantic, it all applies.

I think that is a good idea...just be pleasant. If they are affirmative with you you can give a little more.

I know. Try being in your 50s and not knowing this

Then don't help them.

You're simply being used as a tool. They didn't like you before, you're simply noticing they like you less afterwards because you expected some kind of increased consideration as a counterpart.

@@drjp4212 Yes to add on, ask them for a small favour in return. If they repeatedly show they are unwilling, then they have showed their true colours.

Right. Bad situation. Fortunately this is from a past episode and I hopefully have learned my lesson

​@@freeideas I'm sorry you had to experience this, I've gone thru similar, not that long ago. The lesson I learned is give without expectation, don't give if I'll feel resentment if my kindness is not reciprocated. ( Which is also one of the ideas presented in this video) And choose who i give to more wisely in the future. I guess these things grow our soul, but they can be so disappointing. Especially if we don't recognize the lesson, and have to repeat it multiple times. Damn the Universe can be annoying sometimes! 😂 Hope we both meet more enlightened souls and smoother roads. Best to you! 🌸

Amen!

It's not just because you're a Christian… We Hindus believe the same thing.

Be “polite”, don’t be “nice”. Nice is feminine, women don’t like feminine men. Just like men don’t like masculine women. I realize it’s merely semantics, but still needs to be understood.

@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001 you said it, it is semantics. I'm going to be nice and if you or anyone else doesn't like it I really couldn't care less

@@sfrealestatedealmaker6001 Women are rejected for being too nice as well. No one should be too nice. We need to have self respect and not give more than we receive.

Amen👏👏👏

❤

It has to be. If you want to be liked, be agreeable. If you want to be successful, be effective. Only be virtuous if you want to be virtuous. It's the only thing you can reliably expect from the practice.

​@@psychacks seems risky to be agreeable, they will probably call you nice. LOL

Look, dude, the girl didn't like you. Whether you were nice, mean, or indifferent. You were not "pushing her away." Just move on.

​@@JohnSmith-ct5jd So true. But do you believe there is something called turning people on and Off? Women prefer naughty and bad boy trait for sexual preference. When men show good boy attitude, it turns women off for sexual preference.

This is true for friendships as well. Being too nice comes off as fake, needy, and there might be something wrong with you to be compensating so much. A woman doesn't want a man that is so desperate for a woman that he's practically begging her. She should always feel like she is wanted but not needed. You have other options.

Just initiate and let go... even if it would work, the moment i feel that i would have to start convincing or winning over, i am done. I have to know she wants or would want, whatever - by herself...

Same here bro

👏👏👏 Exactly, And sometimes there are people who may look like you, act like you, nice like you but they may like that person b/c guess what they're related to someone famous, or their the interviewer or the boss or there's something they want from the person and you in there mind have NOTHING THEY WANT. These are usually selfish self-centered people who only like those who they can take from and if you're not someone they really feel fits their agenda then you offend them if you're nice to them.

​@@adithalee8660 Absolutely. I wish they would stop encouraging people to change themselves so that a person can now fake like their fake image. Smh

Very well said! No amount of kindness, decency, good manners, care, empathy can convince someone who's not interested in befriending / liking you. And since such people lack guts, they will rather make you feel bad for the fact you're kind than clearly state they're not interested in. So they hint with weird behaviours like from a a kindergarten.

@@missstarrynight7736 Exactly. I wish they would stop telling people that it's because they are to kind loving and nice or even pleasers. It's because initially your not ideal for them. Example, if a person has a thing for musicians, or entertainers, and you don't need the criteria, they will not prefer you! It's as simple as that, people need to really get this so that they don't waste time trying to change themselves!

@@adithalee8660 I had that colleague I wanted to befriend. I thought she was a kind person, because she was very ,very helpful. So, I treated her as a friend. We had long talks, I helped her in her work-related project. And then Out of the blue ghosted me. She moved to another country. Then she re-appeared online, but treating me almost like a stranger. I tried to talk with her about her drastic change of behaviour, but she actively refused to tell me what I did to deserve being ignored, or talked to in a patronizing way. Later on, I learned indirectly, that she found me ...shallow. And you know what was that "shallow" about? That I am enthusiastic , have sense of humor and have no problem with expressing a whole range of emotions. From her perspective, respectable people are distant, not really concerned about others, not really empathizing, they are ultra calm/cold and resemble some ancient statues of philosophers. Respectable people are also workaholics and perfectionists ( I used to be both, but thanks God not anymore). So basically the fact I used to support her, empathize with her and was her genuine cheerleader, who lives a life of moderation offended her.

Exactly it’s the perverted way of thinking get the majority of modern women think this way. We know that being nice and kind comes from the soul the exact opposite of selfish. We are truly being caring and wanting the best for others. But somehow if we do something good for another person we are now considered having a selfish motivation and hiding our true agenda

@@markfennell1167 Okay, speaking from another over giver, let's be honest here. Women are rejected all of the time for being too giving and nice as well. Let's admit that. It has to match their feelings.

@@markfennell1167 What's so sad aobut it is the more people think nice behavior is selfish and self-centered we're going to have more mean and nasty people b/c others will feel that's what people respect and accept. It's sad.

I agree.

There's a thing called being "overly-nice". An old friend of mine was like this. She tried to help as much as she could without me asking, gave me gifts even though I told her I didn't like gifts, insisted to do things for me even though I said no. Told me to just let her take care me ☹☹ And I have never felt this intense uncomfortable feelings towards someone else as I did when she was around. I tried to refuse nicely at first but she never listened so I had to be firm and eventually got super cranky just to get my points across. Then she got upset at me and told me I was being mean for no apparent reason. This means she has no self-awareness at all. She's been doing this since she was a child because she thought it was the only way for her to get love (her parents were controlling and critical of her). It's sad but it stems from her being in survival mode most of the time (which is selfish in a way). I felt like I was being forced into something I didn't agree to. I didn't feel guilty, I felt smothered. It's like now all of a sudden I have this person who is totally dependent on me for emotional support and everything that I do or say would affect her somehow. Trust me, you'd feel the same way when you experience something similar. Of course I shouldn't act irritated toward her but at the time, I really didn't know how to handle it. Now I have more experience dealing with people like her so it won't happen again.

@@oliviang2815people like her is not a bad thing. She deserves someone who is genuinely kind to reciprocate those feelings. Just because you couldn’t do it for her don’t make you a victim.

@@OMARRIOO Never said I was a victim. Neither of us was the victim. If anything, she was in a very bad place and urgently needed professional help. I only described how I felt toward her actions and words. Besides the nice things she wanted to do for me, there was other instances where she acted inappropriately because she was unfortunately not taught about boundaries by her parents (I bet they have crossed her boundaries many times as well which was really sad), for examples: she said she'd rather kill herself if I didn't let her take care of me; she also insisted that I let her come to my grandma's funeral but I had to refuse because it was a private ceremony with only close friends and families - she has never met my grandma before - And then she got mad at me, we had only known each other for 3 months up to this point, etc). Her inability to express herself in a healthy way and my inexperience in handling such a situation made the matter worse. I messed up badly for sure in the way that I handled it but when someone constantly crosses your boundaries, you have the right to set it straight. It's totally okay for you to judge since you didn't know any details of what happened. But I believe people who have been through situations like this should be able to honestly voice how they feel and not try to help or fix something as extreme and potentially dangerous as this when they're not professionals (especially when someone mentions hurting themself and regarding you as the potential reason). Sometimes being genuinely kind and reciprocating is just not enough. The world is more complicated than you think it is. Even the best intentions can lead to tragedy. At least I can admit that I'm not a saint, an extremely flawed person at that but I would never let it go to my head and try to fix something I'm not qualified to fix.

@@oliviang2815 oh my gosh!! Thank you for sharing!! I’ve dealt with that in a primary relationship - it’s actually quite selfish on their part. I got no say in my own life. You would think it would be great to have someone do everything for you… but it’s just weird!!! It feels fake. And then, if I ever disagreed or had a different perspective on any topic- I got the silent treatment for days!!! Creepy.

Did you watch the video? They are uncomfortable with the gap of attraction. Be appropriate to the level of attraction and problem will go away. Most people don't want to reject. They just want it to match their feelings.

@@starcatcher3691 So eloquently put, 'Be appropriate.' 🙂

Yeah, didn't work with this guy. I straight forward rejected him, he refused. I tried to be distant, hoping he NOTICED

💯

A LOT of nice women get ghosted for this reason

Exactly, the world is falling for people who will screw them over and willingly doing it. They have low self-esteem and don't get it. They reject the ones who love them or care for them. It's sad. Just look at the shape of our world. It's because of this silly way of thinking.

Yes especially if you're the opposite sex. I no longer compliment guys because of this because they assume me complimenting their shoes or their haircut, for example, means that I'm interested in them. They either start to show interest in me, ask for my number, or if they have a girlfriend will let me know that out of nowhere loll

@@joelledavis4547 Yes I relate to this a lot! It can quickly turn into an awkward interaction. I have heard that men in general receive far fewer compliments than women, so perhaps that's why? A compliment to them may seem far more meaningful than it was intended. I think it's still worth sharing it though; you might end up really brightening someone's day.

Thank you for this comment! I am struggling with it a lot! I am a kind, positive person, and I like to pay compliments. It's just natural to me. On the other hand, I feel like I must force myself to restrict myself from telling compliment to men, because I don't want to give an impression, that I am interested in. The problem is I am single, and I kind of dread that either their wives will mistakenly take my kindness for a symptom of unhealthy interest, or the men themselves. I don't want to sound like a creep. The weirdest thing ever was receiving a text message from a female colleague, one day after the NYE, begging me not to take her boyfriend from her ( ??!!!??), because she's unpopular and probably won't meet anyone anymore. I was like : "Wait, WHAT?!?!!!" . You won't guess how she concluded my intentions (which by the way weren't true, not to mention that her boyfriend is like a whole head lenght shorter than me!). So, she came into the weird conclusion after I and B. were talking intensely about the sizes of pipelines used for telecom cable coverage. He was working for a producer, I for a contractor... . We weren't flirting, we were talking about polypropylene pipes!!!! I felt incredibly embarassed by the whole situation, mostly because I did nothing wrong.

Love this comment!