The general consensus is that relationships tend to fail when one person in the couple begins to struggle. Maybe they stop putting effort into the courtship; maybe they stop putting effort into their own growth and well-being; maybe they become addicted or comfortably numb. And while this can certainly happen, this isn't what I typically see in my practice. In today's episode, I discuss the most dangerous thing for a relationship: when success comes to one person. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jdiIdd2Cl66odYU.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzfaq.info/love/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #relationship #marriage

A gym trainer told me years ago, when she sees a married women coming (late 30's kids in school) and starts getting in better shape, she knows that she is on a path to marital strife.

63 years young, 1 year ago I took up the Keto diet, hit the gym hard & took classes learned new skills & got a higher paying job. With new attitude, clothes, fit & trim body suddenly my wife's friends were hitting on me & that sent her into panic mode. Nothing triggers a woman more than when other women want their man so I am happy to say after a 10 year sexless drought my wife has lost weight & is back in bed giving me some lovin again. All because I decided to change for the better.

Yes, a friend said that when he and his wife went in for therapy, the counselor said that if the therapy was successful, it might result in divorce. His wife decided to stop therapy.

Doc in my observations, most relationships fail due to wives having very high and unrealistic expectations for their husbands. They want a best friend, a lover, a provider and for this man to be able to generate deep emotions in them. Not only this, they expect a man’s lifestyle and monetary value to be increasing at the same time, an average man can’t balance all of this. In the beginning of a relationship some men are motivated to fulfill this role, but overtime they get burnt out and it becomes to stressful and unsustainable. When they realize the man they expected to full-fill all their desires and wishes is unable to do that, they mentally check out and actively start seeking ways to monkey-branch, or exit the relationship. My advice to men entering relationships is to be wise, a woman’s hypergamous brain doesn’t stop, it’s always looking for an upgrade, to a woman, a relationship is a means to an end. The average man just isn’t able to fulfill all of these expectations, and they’re checking out in great numbers.💯

I learned this in AA. Many times the person who gets sober will be out of their current relationship within a year.

Started working out when I was dating my ex. She never expressed support for this decision, instead she literally told me “Now you’re gonna leave me for some hot gym girl.” Crabs in a bucket.

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

Great video. This is something rarely spoken of, but the truth is that a lot of relationships are based on pathological/toxic/codependent needs of both partners. And when one of the partners starts to heal, it's like he's receding from the unhealthy "contract" upon which the whole relationship was based.

My husband and I are always self improving. I'm always on top of my beauty routine and my husband asked me to go to the gym w him, so now I'm going 4xs week. He recently got his dream job and meeting tons of new people. I'm happy for him, and working on my own goals too. However, our goals and striving are building a life together w our kids. We are both always striving to be our better self, but we do it in different ways

It's actually worse, as long as there's a steady imbalance with the man slightly higher, it's all good, if for whatever reason you allowed her to get above you, or even worse, you pushed and helped her get it, you will get monkey branched. Took a while to learn that the hard way Also don't tolerate, or support mediocrity, they surely don't

This makes me feel so grateful to have a sane, stable wife. Reading these comments is a real eye opener.

Very true. This also applies to friendships as well. Ive seen myself when one friend does better it increases the feelings of inferiority in the one who has remained stagnant or unchanging so to speak. Over time this breeds envy, resentment and a desire to see the other person fail. This is one of the reasons people read gossip magazines. They like seeing celebrities who seem to have perfect successful lives knocked down a notch because of scandals. Gore Vidal once said " I die a little each time a friend succeeds" and another saying is " people don't mind you doing better, they just don't want you doing better than them" both are sadly all too real.

This video explains why ambitious people can never have a healthy relationship unless they find someone who refuses to compete with them. The more capable and ambitious I've become through the years, the more difficult it was to find compatible people. I noticed that women tend to break up with me only after I've shown them multiple interests of mine. I think this ends up intimidating them because they figured they could not prevail in any area.

You do make a good point here, but I'll also point out that sometimes when a woman starts going to a therapist, the therapist becomes an ally in criticizing the husband and/or telling her she "deserves" better, all while never hearing the husband's side of the story.

This bit about success really puts into perspective how my marriage fell apart… during a period of great professional success and status increase my ex sabotaged everything… even using the kids to knock me back down and force me into a box. Fascinating.

9:27 "Dysfunctional relationships tend to be specialized in their dysfunction" - genius!

This explains why social media is making people depressed and suicidal. They see pics of their "peers" jet setting and grow envious..

Women often tend to belittle, emasculate their current partner and begins to think she can do better when she starts to out earn.

I think you just made me understand what went wrong with my last relationship. When I started dating her, I was almost on the verge of getting out of the abyss. 3-4 months before I finally get out of that dark place, the relationship went to shit. I suspected she was the problem, now I understand why I had that gut instinct.

You just defined my last relationship. I was grieving the loss of multiple loved ones who died in rapid succession when I met my ex-girlfriend. As I started to come out of the depression, she grew increasingly hostile towards me. I started going to the gym, lost weight and got promoted. She gaslit me, smoked tons of weed and launched into regular temper tantrums. I loved her but ultimately ended the relationship because she used every sober moment as an opportunity to pick a fight. Wish I had this content sooner because I had no idea what was driving her dramatic change in behavior. Excellent channel. Keep up the good work.

This is partly why I'm done with relationships. I naively thought I could have an equal, mutually beneficial relationship with another mature, stable adult. How I was wrong! I have learned so much from you about all the power plays, the testing, the manipulations and dishonesty. Now, this. So someone improving himself/herself would cause the other person who supposedly loves him/her and SHOULD want what's best to...leave? That's so f***ed up. I'm too idealistic, logical and rational for all this. It's best I don't participate anymore.

This is why codependency is nourished and perpetuated. This is why I usually say all relationships have a shelf life because all people change and many times change in opposing directions.

We watch you from Russia, it is so internationally true even though we are from different planets in other aspects.

I can attest to this being true. I was in a relationship and began working on myself physically, mentally, and career wise. The better I did, the more depressed my girlfriend became. Eventually she told me that I must think I was better than her and was extremely jealous that my improvements would attract another woman. I'm the end I had to break off the relationship because she became so degrading and depressive towards me. It was an incredibly tough and very sad time in my life because I truly loved her and had planned on marriage.

8:42 to 10:15 is PURE GOLD! That whole piece perfectly encapsulates why my ex-high-school-sweetheart, who I was with from age 16-25, ended up in such a terrible relationship. Her and the guy she is still with (from what I remember from school and being in Scouts with him) both had dysfunctional situations growing up, and that's all they probably know. She literally told me once "He might be a garbage human, but he's MY garbage human." It always baffled me how her new guy could leave contusions on her wrist, throttle her, and cheat on her for four months with his ex, and she could just sweep it under the rug with a "I'm not letting four years [with him] go to waste. It can't be for nothing!" mindset. It really drives home the mantra I try to repeat to myself when I'm feeling vexed at the longevity of their relationship: not everyone in a relationship is blissfully happy, and not everyone who's single is miserable (not to mention that the longevity of a relationship is a poor indicator of its quality).

1:13 😬 glad i started watching this. My inner accountability voice is ripping me a new a-hole right now. If I don’t get it together, my relationship will end this year.

WOW, what an amazing episode. I think you literally just described the end of my 20+ year marriage.

This is true. It's also because their dynamic change in that the person with more success doesnt feel that they need to any longer work for your approval. Now, on the other hand, if a man or woman who is being left behind just learn to DO THEIR OWN thing, they will be able to weather the storm. Success is honestly an illusion. What a person needs from you is inner strength, care, and autonomy. Do not be a burden to anyone except parents.

My first marriage failed because my X made it impossible for me to do anything I enjoy at home. She made me feel like a stranger in my own home.

Seems like entropy is a thing...Time breeds complacency. Your wise and insightful analysis hits home. Well done, sir.

This is one of the most insightful videos I have come across on KZfaq on the dynamics of relationships... very uncomfortable, but spot-on!

Very true. One partner began to eat right and exercise or quit drinking/drugs. The other if not stepping up, would cause imbalance and conflict. It would come to a point when a decision has to be made. Should I stop improving to keep the partner or leave to save myself instead? It is a hard one. As much as love is strong, it cannot save a loved one who doesn’t want to get on a right path.

Thanks! Love your advice, communication style and strategies. Been married for nearly 30 years and the journey is like travelling the world. Sometimes you're on a beautiful sandy beach with an amazing partner and other times you battling the monster snow storms of a Himalayan mountain. Thank you so much for your objective perspective.

What a profound episode! Thank you for all your efforts Dr. Taraban! Your work is really of significance!

I can agree with this and the end of my marriage. I believe in part it was because she thought of herself as doing better and me stagnating or even going backwards. And I did get jealous and controlling when I saw her changing. And her seeing other men as a better option. Men she hadn't even seen before when she only had eyes for me.

Congrats on all your success! 200k by September 💯

I love how he shines light on a tragic, frustrating, or ugly part of the human condition and then says "if you like what youre hearing consider subscribing" -Subscribed

This is the most informative video I have ever seen on youtube. An incredible amount of insight. Will have to watch several times to digest.I feel I owe you money!

This is one of your best videos and they're all good. Can't wait to see you on Fresh n Fit later tonight. I've been waiting for that collaboration.

Wow, that was truly the most amazing truth, yet which I’ve believed the opposite my entire life! I just went thru this and my 17 year relationship ended. I started becoming much more social as a result of a new hobby and 6 months later we split. I didn’t find someone else. She just couldn’t handle the change.

You just keep puttin out solid topical descriptions. Thank you

Dr. Taraban, the audio has been coming through only one channel on recent Spotify uploads. Always enjoy listening! Keep up the good work, I hope this channel is just getting started.

Awe man…what you’re saying makes so much sense. I remember being in a relationship for 4 years. The moment I graduated college, got a career and was surrounded by other successful people was when the shift in our relationship changed. I deeply care about him, but we didn’t last. I also saw this with my best friend’s parents. His mother became “hot.” Like she was in her 50’s and had an amazing bikini bod. Became a fitness instructor with a huge following base. After her popularity she divorced her husband which shocked us all. One person becoming successful in a relationship truly is a dangerous thing.

Dr, I think this advice works for most narcissistic people. They hate to see your success. Unfortunately the world has too many narcissists. Sucess is destabilising to relationships, it's even threatening? That's exactly why both partners need to heal their trauma on their own terms and not expect their partner to "fix" them. Both have to improve themselves. Both for themselves and their relationships to prosper. That's also the reason why I prefer people who are capable of unconditionally love. These people are genuinely kind and supportive. When you fail, they cheer you up. When you succeed, they are happy for you. A healthy relationship goes both ways.

Although he rambles in his videos sometimes, this is probably one of the best information about relationship dynamics you would see on and off the internet . This is insanely insightful. Dr. Taraban knows what the fuck he's talking about.

This is absolutely incredible. NEVER realized this insight before but it explains so much, both in external observations and my own subconscious what-ifs

This is clearly one of your best episode. by far.

Your information has been enlightening. Keep up the good work.

Excellent, counterintuitive yet deep down I see that it’s so true.

That’s really profound, and I think that’s exactly what happened in my last relationship, where I was the one feeling like the problematic one (even though people close to me would say otherwise)

Look at your growth, Doc. Wow, been here and from the beginning. Good for you brother. 👏🏽

The phenomenon described occurs often in the weight loss surgery (WLS) community. One relationship partner takes greater responsibility for their health, loses tens or even hundreds of pounds of excess weight, and the relationship often as not destabilizes (to use your word). It's macabre, counter-intuitive to laymen, and definitely common based on stories in groups/forums.

Wow! Mind blowing and seems true to my life. I think this applies to all sorts of relationships including close friendships as well. I’ve noticed on my path to self improvement, a very good friend going the opposite direction in life has been undermining and trying to sabatage me. Even though I tried to help him onto the path of self improvement. Fascinating. Thank you Doctor.

This channel is brilliant. Shared this video with a friend of mine who is working on improving himself, and finding that he has to separate from his wife to do so.

Man this realization is really harrowing, it's been years now since I've become aware of it, but it never gets easier to accept and deal with; especially when you're meeting someone new and you're aware of all things that can go awry. It's just too much for me to hear this, it leaves such a bitter taste in my soul.

I've watched like 30 of this guy's videos now, and he seems to have a Hobbesian view of human behavior; he seems to lean on the more primitive impulses in the human brain as being the ONLY impulses. In reality, human behavior stems from a whole cocktail of impulses and motivations, which themselves stem from different and often contradictory regions of the brain. It's true that our more primitive impulses are probably exclusively self-interested and antisocial, but the more recent evolutionary adaptations in our brains lean toward pro-social behavior, altruism, empathy, and dare I say, love. I'm not sure that Doctor Taraban's commentaries fully appreciate the full bredth of human motives. Not everybody is using everybody else for a better seat. Not even in general.

The way you explained this was very informative. Thank you

Whew you nailed it. This message was very enlightening.

Sir! You are brilliant! Dazzling content and very insightful indeed!!! Bravo🍻

When he said "Sorry for the clickbait-y title but...here you are" that made me chuckle and hit the "Like" button. Lol. Well played, Orion.

At the moment, i think this is my favorite video i have ever seen from this guy. I love it i totally agree.

Yeah I've always been supportive of my girlfriends, celebrating their small victories, and verbalizing mine. Rarely do they celebrate mine though now that I look back, nor do they participate, because my victories of self employment are very gradual and are a slow burn of overall success, particularly when considering how turbulent modern economy is. Thr last girl I was with was 13 years younger than me, and it started because I took her under my wing and gave her self confidence, she then started getting invited to parties after I introduced her to girls I knew in the area, and from there she just saw how much I work and was uninterested in partying. I never wanted to be in that relationship, it simply was two traumatized people, one mentoring the other in a way that trauma bonded us really close, really fast. I had to pretty much talk for both of us because she was so bad at communicating and I'd have to point out her body language to get her to spill her thoughts, very disfunctional.

Fascinating. Great points. Thank you

Once again your insightful wisdom provides a light for us to navigate our relationships in the “real, not idealised” world!

An amazing insight. Bravo!

That was a very good episode. I just wish it were longer. I would love Dr. Orion to comment further on the dynamics of disfunctional relationships and also that of envy.

Thanks Dr. Taraban! Wishing I was as eloquent as you!

Helpful analysis, thank you

Another excellent topic❤

This can explain why the codependent relationships I've encountered are highly unlikely to change. The need to feel equal to your partner, the resistance to allowing the other person to change and the inability to relate to a new relationship are large barriers to growth and an improved way of relating within the couple.

Spot on. Success for one while the other struggles = the end

I like your content more and more. You're speaking truth.

Wow, that’s an epiphany, thank you so much.

This is one of your best videos. I know the red pill stuff is super popular now, and I enjoy those, but this is excellent information. Thanks again.

Man, Great video after Great Video. I can't believe I have not seen your channel before.

I had never thought of this! Fascinating!

Fascinating video and applies very much to the collective too

Thank you! Very interesting insight!

I have been there many times and it’s very painful situation to be in, but it created a huge space for me to learn a lot about human behaviors on that matter.

This is the best and clearest episode I've seen. What is implied about our nature is not very palatable - even for omnivores I think.

Very interesting. It would be nice to see a part 2 with the solution that you recommend to your patients. I saw a channel in which real life cases are discussed in the videos and the therapist says what he would suggest to improve the situation. It was very interesting too. 😊

Success means different things to different people. Americans always seem to be obsessed with money.

Solid gold. Thanks dude

Great podcast Dr. Taraban! A great book that deals with this subject is "The Human Magnet Syndrome" by Dr. Ross Rosenberg. I have read it a dozen times and highly recommend it. Keep up the fantastic podcasts Dr. Taraban 🙏

I love Orion! People use my addiction all the time to feel morally superior. I don't care anymore. Let em eat cake. Meaning they are spiritually poor.

What a good video. I’ve experienced this in action

The longer a relationship goes on for, the more problems it will encounter, e.g. boredom, someone deteriorating / improving, cheating, mental health problems, arguments about the kids / family life, etc. Solution: stop expecting romantic relationships to last 50 years. It is just unrealistic in this day and age. "She's not your girl, its just your turn".

This is an impressive insight on my current situation. Thank you so much. These were things I noticed about my soon to be ex. Taking the plunge now that you helped me organise my thoughts. Thank you!

Maybe your best episode yet!!👍

I love you man. Thank you for your work

Very smart analysis

Well done. Thank you !

So great video!! I know many guys to send it, but i am afraid that they are not ready to understand... this video is so powerfull like a bomb... 😢

You are simply doing great sir ❤

A good one ! Thanks

Damn this is so true! speaking from experience…

Thank you for the answers doc

Very interesting in so many ways that I'm not sure where to start right now. Well, at least I'm forewarned about possible challenges around my planned self-improvement in the coming years.

I think everything you said is pretty much correct.