Interesting. Have you used this with a DA? If so what was their response?? Thx

@@GirlPower342 they shut down because they feel like they can't match up to the needs of others or are overwhelmed by the confrontation

I mean where's the lie at? lol.

This was absolutely brilliant. Been dealing with the ex DA for too long now and that comical image has brightened my day. I have too much self worth to keep going around this merry-go-round. If I hadn’t done the work in myself, I’d probably be in a corner somewhere rocking 😂. Enough is enough. You can’t love someone enough to make them emotionally healthy. Thank for making me laugh OUT LOUD. God bless you xx

Simple answer, lock em' up in a mental health facility. Problem solved. Society has no obligation to put up with their being a coward, and cowards should never be respected. 💪🏽🤌🏽🤘🏽

@@linomolina7855Coward is exactly right.

Spot on ! I agree. That sounds like a match made in heaven. As a partner of a DA - if they don't want to do the work - walk away. There is no other way.

@@haihai5293 😢

Am there at the moment in a friendship. One day they said they don't want to blow off the friendship and they want to make a concious effort to check in a little more often, the next... is ghosting for 3+ weeks now, no matter what I try. I came to understand it's not about me and does not even mean they don't love me anymore in a friendship way but that I maybe just came too close, but that doesn't reduce the pain. Still hoping they come back, even though I probably shouldn't put anything on that. It's been a year since you commented, so I hope you could get closure and have healed by now. All the best to you and thank you for not making me feel as akward, because I saw there are other people just putting a lot of feelings into a non-romantic relationship.

To be fair an AP spiraling is not the responsibility of the DA. It’s their problem that they’re that obsessive. It’s no one else’s responsibility to coddle an anxiously attached adult who thinks and acts like a child.

@@isabelkloberdanz6329 Did you not see the part about it being painful to be ghosted. How do you react when in pain?cold as ice? every single person acts like a child. Youre right though its not to responsibility of the DA to care about the craziness they cause in other people.

Exactly, I couldn't agree more.

If they " abuse " then it is the other person's responsibility to accept it or not...are we not here to learn?

Clearly you didn’t watch the video 🙄

this is true. silent treatment, shutting down, withdrawing, ignoring messages knowing you are upset/hurt, it is way to take your power away and control and it is silent treatment emotional abuse. ghosting is unacceptable in a committed relationship a form of disrespect and is emotional abuse. it induces a trauma bond and coddling, making allowances and explanations for their behaviour reinforces it. if they are self aware they should be working towards secure. research shows the first 6 months of a relationship you will see signs of emotional abuse,, the next 6 months it escalates and if nothing changes by 1 1/2 years into the relationship (by you changing your approach and a reasonable person usually changes their reaction) then it is a cycle of how the relationship will always be. it is destructive to the other partner's self esteem and a lot of DAs are covert narcissists.

@@leahsamaniego4507 No one has the responsibility to babysit yall destroying relationship after relationship.

​​​​@@LionionKRYou sound hella bitter dude. She never even said she was avoidant. If you can't deal with avoidant behavioral patterns, stop seeking them out. It's not their fault they are that way, just like it's not anxious people's fault that they are the way they are. In order to get into these toxic loops it takes two insecure people enabling each other. Getting into a relationship where neither can comfortably meet the other's needs. It's on both people. Either do the work until you are secure enough to give it a shot without being resentful, or (easier option); find someone closer to you on the spectrum. Simple as that. No need to shit on all avoidants

Wow, insightful and deep

Very well said.

@StyledByMel I love this and totally agree. Thank you for sharing. In the past I struggled to not take things personally and now I understand how much authoritarian parenting violated that natural growth pattern. My understanding now is reframed by this: Guilt and shame are not helpful for living authentically. I can deepen into the wisdom of healthy detachment and only I can give myself closure.

My goodness... Well said...

"I believe more times than not many of us know certain relationships are not for us and we can’t love someone into their growth." WOW I clicked on this video and your comment was the very first one I saw and it's SO true!!

Give him/her space and show compassion and it will only be steps up, guaranteed.

@@razvanyke For over a year that's what I did, I gave her all the room in the world, when we were together on a date or hanging out it was bliss, we never had a bad moment. The better time we had the longer in between we would see each other (sometimes weeks at a time) but I would just let her be and let her come to me when she was ready. Finally she broke up with me because we were "getting too serious". I've never been broken up with after never having one uncomfortable moment together.

@@Awakened.for.good1967 Hi Todd, sorry for that, it does sound painful especially when things go well then this. After doing this story for one year, I find it hard to believe that "getting serious" was out of the way, your best bet is to wish her the best and not follow up. If she is a DA, will regret leaving something good and will get back to you with breadcrumbs, if she was simply not mature/interested will respect you more for holding up for yourself.

todd borden I’m in the same boat as you ... anyone reading this please if you are involved with a dismissive avoidant , run

@@parkerdixon3028 could not agree more, as a DA I say that if you are with a FA, run.

Think thats called zombying - when they go but come back

Yeah, from now on I'm just going with the assumption that if they disappear they're not coming back and cutting my losses. If they show up again I just tell them they missed their chance. It's not my problem they have unhealed attachment trauma. They can go fix that shit with someone else.

So true...

@@Revolution-tl5wo yesss hahaha. I actually think I am quite secure. I have a lot of secure and open behaviours in relationships. I'm used to partners being similar. So... All I wanted was the actual reason. Ironically, people close to me know I'm really good with self-criticism... So if he'd brought that, I'd have known, and moved on. Ffs. 🤣 I'm glad Thais explains this. But what an absolute waste of time a DA is. It's ridiculous.

I know. I’m very confused and even when I tell him you ghosted me, he says no. So I never know how long is “ghosted”

In these situations, I have decided to focus on myself...and honnestly, his distance had helped me become more secure with time. I'm working on not taking his behaviour personal and sharing my thoughts, feelings and needs in the simplest way once he comes back. I'm learning and that's what's important...not so much the outcome. Feeling more and more in control of my life and my state of beeing...tous my hapiness.

​@@isabellenadeau6668Are you still in a relationship with the DA?

I know the feeling, it hurts so much. Stay strong love

Same . We gone be ok tho

It leaves a whole in the stomach. It cuts the breath out me. I lose weight and I lose sleep. This is the second consecutive relationship where this has happened.

@@Abellephoto it's brutal, isn't it? I can't imagine the lack of conscience that allows someone to ghost in a relationship.

@@jillainenewman1358 : It is brutal and leaves you with not only mourning, but self-esteem and self-doubt issues. This is the second time it happens this decade. I went 5 years before embarking on this relationship. And this time, it wasn't until 2 years in that signs of this showed up. So I had no clue. I must be attracting this to myself. Life is so short. I wish I'd seen it earlier.

An an AP learning & approaching becoming secure, I’m guessing it’s easy for you to say this if you haven’t already fallen in love with the DA & invested every part of you for over 2 years?

Yay! Glad you overcame it🧚🏽‍♀️!!!

Must admit, when I read your post, the first thing that came to mind is "that's a perfectly typical DA stance" 😂

Yes, I agree so much. This is not just DA. Ghosting is so immature, although I’ve experienced it from someone not long ago. 47 going on 17...

Congratulations! How were you able to overcome it??

wooo!!!!

3 times in 6 years always every 2 years between January- April. I honestly think she scared herself by asking me a question about marriage less than a month later. We had a blowout and done! Blocked ghosted.

Wonderful relationship while it lasted, but the the breakup was worst experience of my life. No discussion, no explanation, ghosting and cold as ice.

Me too. After 5 yrs

How'd that go

People are inconsiderate. I lose faith in humanity every time.

tech speaking he is right but then question of hurt comes into play.

@@aurinkobay7118 he was right and I decided I didn't want to be with someone that would be so hurtful and not offer an explanation for his actions

My ex said this exact same sentence in Chinese. This is just international.

I heard those exact words from her

How did it go?

Agreed! Someone who doesn’t respect you enough to not ghost you won’t respect you enough to give you any answers. I’d rather disappear completely and let them fester in their own karma. And if they ever contact me again, I still have my dignity in tact and they’ll never hear from me again.

No by all means do! They need confrontation to grow as human beings. Lets not coddle the DAs but help them learn whats a propper way to treat others.

I do need closure. I actually need to be told that u r not coming back. My dad would leave and not reach out fpr years at a time and then pop in and hang out and disappear again. I have been wired from childhood to wait for people to come back. I need to be told that ur gone for good.

Please no negative comments on people who have experienced trauma(s) in their lives that you may know nothing about. Please try to understand DAs are people who likely don't know what their actions are doing or why they are doing them. Positive vibes only please and thank you!

Kevin I’ve experienced so much trauma in my life, and I’d still never treat someone like these jerks do. Positive vibes are bullshit. You’re negative by trying to shut me up. But you don’t care, do you? You just feel sorry for the abusers.

@@toscadonna I'm sorry that you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life. That hurts my heart to read that and I wish you peace and love. I'm not trying to shut you up and I am sorry if I came off that way. I'm politely asking for understanding that issues within DAs and people in general are not all black and white. That while a DA or someone in general has hurt you, has traumatized you, doesn't mean it's okay to repeatedly bad mouth a group of people and lump everyone together. The comments you've posted on here have been really negative towards DAs and have been extremely hurtful to us, especially those on their journeys to better themselves and stop the bad behaviors that are subconsciously ingrained within us. Many of us come to these videos to continue our journey and break down those walls we've put up to protect us so that we aren't hurting people like we have in the past. Is every DA at the point of improving themselves? No. That still doesn't give one the right to eviscerate someone who we know has the issues DAs have, the lack of awareness that they have them, and the inability to correct them without assistance. I feel sorry for individuals who do bad things with no awareness that they're doing it BUT truly want to work on themselves. I do care. I care more than you know.

Agreed

Exactly

As a DA myself Im happy to stay single.. relationships are evil

This but also when I do finally express needs which is terrifying to do and they are not met it reaffirms those beliefs of them not being able to meet the need or not caring about me. Very painful process.

@@claracummings7959 I absolutely agree with that . I strongly relate to that part as well.

It actually is incredibly damaging so thank you for working in yourself x

I wish my husband could/would read your comment Beautiful-you seem to be expressing yourself well- wishing you the best on your journey

Curious...why do DA's chase others in the beginning and show interest though if they know their fears will come true eventually ?

Don’t do it! You will regret it, promise

Thais has pointed out in the past that if we're considering going back into a relationship where the other person gave up and isn't doing the work, then we have some healing to do as well.

Girrrrrl

if you really did something objectively hurtful, then i do not see an issue to apologize. But if you did not, and you suppose he was hurt, then i do not see any sense to apologize.

I hear you. I laid down boundaries and lovingly explained all the ways my DA ex's actions hurt people after she started breadcrumbing me With love yous after months of no contact ...and I have been sitting here wanting to sooth her pain even though she's ghosting after receiving said message. It's been eye opening in regards to my patterns.

I agree, the AP is the most hurt

I totally agree. It hurts badly

Just cut them out of your life, ghosting is disrespectful and cowardly, avoidants do not deserve a special set of rules

Facts

@@joeglenn9021 They dont realize it's going to hurt you. They're thinking of their own needs in the moment.

We're all at different stages in our healing jounrey and each attachment stytle has its own pros and cons. The more we learn why, the more we can empathize with others and decide if the relationship will work for us or not.- PDS team member

I love this post.. I feel the same way and can relate soo much.. ahh thank you for sharing. ❤️ the more and more I learn about this, I can't believe how powerful and life changing this all is. I can remember when it clicked for me the first time.. like Holy Shit 🤯. I swear the world stood still for a moment . ❤️ Nice to hear I'm not alone and other people feel this way. Take care.

I'm curious how would a da react to this script?

@@simmonsrenesha I can't say for sure because this is a hypothetical question, but I think I would respond very well to it. I generally respond very well when people are able to articulate their needs and boundaries without getting too emotional. And of course, I'm working towards healing and aware that I'm a DA, so another DA on a different place in the spectrum may react differently.

Thanks for your insight

minus ‘you’re a great person’ of your sample dear John letter if they played you like a fiddle.

From the videos Ive learned its up to the FA and AA to learn to respond more securely by understanding its not about them and not to be attached to the outcome. All types of insecure attachers hurt people...not more than the others. In any given circumstance, both ppl are responsible for communication breakdown. Its up to each to own their part and work on themselves.

Via a text!?? A text?? That's probably worse. Like, why even bother dating in the first place?

The FA in me questions that double space lol. The DA never wants to talk about anything. Never send this if you've been dating and you only just recently started having sex bc a girl won't "just accept" that decision.

I'm not a DA but that's actually a great script. I'd be like "Well... ok then." if I received that.

9/10 they will leave you anyway, so why bother.

I wish I could hit like more than once. I was unable to articulate how the script made me feel and I assumed it was my AP tendencies just flaring up again. Beautifully said.

That's what's coming up for me. I am indeed not upset that it isn't a good fit. But my opinion of someone after they ghosted me... is not good. This is the second time! We had an agreement about not doing this again when we reconnected and I only extended that grace bc I'm willing to buy the "extenuating circumstances" story exactly once... So yeah. Regardless of how hard and scary life is for the DA, there comes a certain point where they need to be aware and appreciate how much someone is holding space for their needs and reciprocate by considering seriously the most minimal of requests within the relationship... Especially when it comes to how it ends. God knows I heard the stories of how they'd been wronged enough times to know that THEY KNOW this isn't okay

enarcmcfly it’s all about their needs and wants. They can’t see beyond themselves and their fear

I don't think the scripts are intended to be repeated verbatim - they are presented more as a collection of potential ideas you could make use of, designed to point people towards a more compassionate view of the situation and towards the kind of approaches that are most likely to be well received given the core wounds a DA-presenting person is likely to be contending with. In the end it comes down to what you hope to achieve through the communication in the first place. No one should ever compromise their authenticity to get to that point, so if saying "I'm not upset" is disingenuous for you, don't say it - even if they respond to that in the most ideal way, it will only breed resentment if you disrespect yourself by witholding your true expression and any 'resolution' will feel empty, because it's a connection to a false persona that isn't your authentic self. If your goal is to communicate to the DA everything they did wrong, how they hurt you and why you don't think they are deserving of grace or good will - go for it, just don't expect a response. You may be very correct and insightful to point those things out - but given their nature is it going to be helpful to be critical? It's important to have strong boundaries and show yourself respect through what you are willing to accept, but if the connection has no future are you really helping anyone to be vengeful? Is your resistance to approaching the situation with a kind of radical compassion coming from a place of wanting mutual growth & happiness for everyone, or because you want to settle a score? What do you lose by prioritising kindness, given that you are already going to move on away from this person? I think above all it's important to be very clear about what you want before making any kind of attempt at communication in this situation - clearly what you want is very different to the goals Thais is trying to help people achieve with this approach. I know very well how painful it can be to feel devalued & disrespected in relationship with a DA - they can act in service of their own inner turmoil to the point of creating pain and hurt in others, and it sucks. But do you want to let that pain control you and drop down to their level by acting in service of your own inner turmoil to breed further pain in them, or stay centred in yourself and close out the situation by representing the kind of integrity & compassion that defines a healthy connection to you? I agree that it's not good to coddle them and be an enabler for their dysfunction, but this isn't a game of tit-for-tat - and it's entirely possible that seeing someone leave with kindness and compassion, but still leave, may be the only way for the DA to begin to see that the problem was the result of their behaviour and not them being defective as a person. To be fair I don't think you're suggesting any kind of aggression, it seems like you have a very grounded, healthy & respectful perspective and your justifications make perfect sense. Unfortunately I think it's necessary to concede that you do have to navigate in the DA's world to some degree if your intent is to help them grow and heal, as you do with any other person, and the path to calling a DA to a higher level of personal responsibility is a difficult & complex procedure. Despite your very reasonable arguments, it's unlikely that firing them directly at a DA is going to be helpful for them. I hope you don't read this as being argumentative or combative in any way - I generally agree with you but I guess I'm just trying to challenge some of your ideas to tease out the angles you may not have in your perspective that could help join the dots for you. From my interpretation I think the blindspot you may have is that you have a very black-and-white view of the DA's intent & values (their behaviour indicates a lack of respect/maturity, they wouldn't ghost if they cared about the other person's needs, etc). The behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, but one of the biggest things I've learned from this channel is that the DA's good intent is often obscured by the ways they react to the competing needs problem they deal with internally. A DA can care deeply about someone from a place of authentic loving respect and want only the best for that person, and yet completely betray all of that because the act of feeling that loving connection is so threatening to their subconscious defense mechanisms that their good will is completely overridden by their need for 'safety'. It creates a cycle that seems like a horrible experience to embody, and it would seem that it is so painful that they learn to become emotionally numb to it, forming distorted perceptions of interpersonal connection that internally justify the ways they push others away. Empathising with that doesn't mean you have to tolerate the behaviour. But still you have the choice to see the wounded, loving person underneath the armor that just wants connection like everyone else, and extend some consideration and compassion to their unique struggle while still upholding your own boundaries and self-respect. So while it may seem like a bizarre, unwarranted reaction to be willing to extend admiration, grace and kindness to someone in this situation through the searing pain they have triggered within you, it's not necessarily supposed to make sense to you. They do not see the world as you do, and so the ideas that make sense to you may seem like another language to them. At the end of the day, you're responsible for your feelings and your happiness, and life is bigger than this one person who ghosted you - it's best to pursue whatever brings you peace and resolution, and sometimes that comes through unexpected means. I think this kind of radical compassion is worth trying, at the least - it's hard to know if it'll 'work' but you can't expect to change people, if you continue to feel so much resistance to the idea perhaps it's worth assessing what your expectations are.

@@prismismmusic I appreciate your point of view- it's what makes the world go around. YES INDEED, EVERYONE needs kindness. You can't make someone love you and why would anyone want to try & force that? That is a problem in itself. I practice showing people grace & respect whether I agree or not, however, taking up space in someone's life who is willing to create & hold space for them should be treated with respect also. Let's not pretend that ghosting is a "mildly" uncomfortable experience. Most ghostees are taken by surprise & seriously hurt. That is not the kindness you speak of. You acknowledged and DISMISSED with logic precisely my point, the pain in the comments, the pain in her other video comments caused by this mal-adapted coping strategy. Emotional Pain is not always purely logical- neither is infactuation, or love for that matter. The DA (NOT ALL- but in her examples) is self preserving, however in the infatuation stage are usually quite charming & pursue their person of interest. They don't behave logically for people who can't see past their own script & are prone to disconnect when vulnerability is triggered. How logical is it to pursue relationship & intimacy without vulnerability on both sides? DA's don't usually date or marry other DA's-because of their attatchment style, neither would play out the attachment part of their script- but they need that part to play out the trigger/disconnect part of their schema. At the point of being ghosted, the ghostee no doubt (in most cases) is also self preserving. The majority of them also having insecure attachment styles, mal-adaptive strategies & self work they need to do, will not feel like extending the affirming, non emotional stance Ms. Thias mentions. A person in pain would ask, "Where was my affirmation & kindness from the ghoster?" To speak to the idea of kindness, many HAVE said in the comments in several video comments, multiple times over, that they HAVE bypassed their own pain & confusion & tried to show the kindness you speak of (with no reciprocity) & have thereby created unknowingly a reinforcement of the DA's schema, which in some cases ended up played out multiple times- which is even more unhealthy/damaging than ghosting itself. Ms. Thias always says the majority of DA's who do this really don't mean to hurt the other person, (I actually believe that)-they just need non-judgmental clarity- but, disconnect & dismiss when someone assigns responsibly of the DA's action to the reaction of pain. Should one be emotionally intelligent enough to split the action from the person & say, "The action made me feel like this", in the DA's schema, they refuse to hear that also- (Depending on where they are on the DA spectrum) The script IDEA (in this video) is asking the average ghosted person who IS confused, hurt, angry or doesn't know what to feel to be inauthentic to self in order to hopefully get a last response/answer for closure- which in that case is attempted manipulation & more often than not doesn't guarantee a truthful response or a response at all. That also puts too much power in another person's hands for your own healing. You shouldn't put the responsibility of your healing into the hands of those who hurt you-whether it was intentional or not. That can cause more pain to said ghostee. You can seperate the person from their actions, genuinely forgive them, & move on w/o their participation. MOST (not all) ghostees don't hate their ghoster, they are just disappointed because the DID think highly of them. It is a public forum so mine is just one lowly opinion- there is a problem with normalizing ghosting regardless of attachment style- I just think it's sad to have such a casual attitude about it as if everybody is of THAT mindset or should be because they are. As you have aptly said, we ARE NOT all the same, we also don't process life the same way. True kindness would be for ALL attachment styles to RESPECTFULLY hold space for other human beings- (especially in relationships)- Ghosting does not promote that. So I asked Ms. Thias to further explain- others in the comments question this as well.

sjekk out the "Zeigarnik effect". The brain often think in " storys" and that a story has a logical end with closeure. But reality is that life is not straight line " logic". The impartant thing to know is that YOU are safe sound and healthy ( obsession of others is not healthy). This may sound dark, but we humans dont ever know the depths of others, and not even of our own personality and mind/feelings. Change is " natures nature", and it is important to just move on. This i meen literal. Moving your body and " walking" makes the emotions and the mind a new space to evolve. Give your self a date to how long you can ruminate on the past, and after that it is over. It`s ok to feel on pain and suffering and the past for a time, but after that its time to move on. You can only controll your self and never others. And you controll our your own mind and feelings is also to some extent limited, but it is 100% your responsibillity. Own it!

Exact same thing happened to me stay strong man

Same thing happened to me too that's a final discard isn't it

she is totally fine (unless she has some serious health issues). focus on your own healing.

You are a kind and caring person….

Any non-SA probably is.

Oh it is…trust me…

Senpai noticed me!

Agree this one is the most difficult to keep happy or even just have a healthy relationship with.

Way more than just work, a true DA is the definition of toxic and emotionally manipulative relationship. Though if it's early on and their trauma wounds haven't been activated yet, then they're great to be with, but very superficial

How did he respond when you called him out? Mine is also in his 50s, and has been ghosting me for a week right after saying he’d get back to me within the end of said week to arrange our fourth date.

The boy I was dating probably Avodiant ghosted me after few months of dating ,And ofcourse on the beggining he was so romantic ,passionate…but when I started showing my emotions a lot he started to pushing me away And we met 3 weeks after he ghosted only because I texted him wishes for Birthday And that I really want to know What happend.He literally told me being so nervous,not in nice way That he don’t feel this and he started screaming „You are not like a girlfriend ,you are like a friend!!!Not to romantic relation!!!” He was so cold and nasty😰 You can say in nice way that you don’t feel something and say sorry that you showed so much hope for relationship ,because he was not acting like a friend before so I think this is typical avodiant behaviour who is afraid of his emotions and committment.Ghosting And then saying something like that in really indelicate way is so sick in my opinion.

Signs such as? I think the person who ghosted me may have been a DA. Not a 100%. He said he wanted to meet, i agreed (didnt set an actual date), i assume he wanted me to pick a place as he said he would come to my area. But then i didnt call or text for nearly three weeks regarding the meeting. But neither did he 😂😂. I finally reached out and he ignored all my calls n texts, even after i apologised and said i was busy. Who ignores someone after being so enthusiastic about meeting. I mean he brought it up, not me.

@@sansadrake4133 They have very low self esteem and they are insecure. If they feel rejected they will not move forward because it feels unsafe to them. Even if the rejection is all in their head. There’s nothing you can do to convince them they’re not being rejected. Don’t reach out anymore or they will take more space.

@@FM-zg5hz oh i haven't its been three months😂. Maybe im wrong though because doesnt a DA start acting up only when the relationship progresses? As in when things start getting serious, but hes doing all of the weirdness before we've even met properly. And at the beginning they're meant to be really interested

@@FM-zg5hz Yeah. Well hes the one who kept bringing up how he wants to settle down/get married etc, as in hes dating seriously. And hes usually the one who mentions us meeting up all the time, and i did agree to it, but then i kind of didnt say anything for a few weeks since i got busy or distracted. Maybe im coming across like im playing games or uninterested or something.

It feels so validating to see others say this, as this was my experience with my DA ex. At the time I was so confused and hurt to be told he felt perpetually “kept at arms length”, that our communication styles “misfired” off one another, and he often felt “like a rejected child whose mother doesn’t meet its needs”. I was absolutely craving affection and reassurance from him and he turned it around on me! WTF?! I had always been secure, but I left that relationship highly anxious. Never again.

Dating an FA for a DA is frustrating and scary. There are two people in this relationship and both have fears, needs and feelings. DAs are so scared and scarred that they often choose to stop trying to fulfill their desires and dreams and that's just tragic, this isn't living. FAs just keep blaming DAs like their actions are not hurting them the most, for FAs everything is personal and everything is about them, they take up all of the space that DAs so desperately need to feel safe. This is making them retreat even more so I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here.

And most importantly - DAs behaviors affect your dating life. FAs behaviors affect more aspects of life of DAs. For example an FA boss is a nightmare for a DA, extremely toxic relationship and their livelihood depends on it.

Had similar experience - also using those 3 parts mentioned in the script and receiving no answer. Funny enough, by chance I run into the person some 2 months later, had an actual conversation until... they ghosted me again :D At this point it's just ridiculous bordering on funny.

@@Mia199603 I think FAs feel the same about DAs...that everything is personal and all about them. Thats what I felt about my DA until I found out about attachment styles. Thats when I opened my eyes and realized that we are all hurt people unintentionally hurting people. An exhausting cycle for both. In terms of the job, I feel as an FA I show up at work more as a dismissive. The FA is both AP and DA in a way. And at work there arent really any real triggers. I think I worked at a place once in my whole life where I was emotionally triggered in an anxious way. But all I did was write a very long emotional email and complained to HR.

as for a DA its hard to be with a FA...

I hear that. I do think Thais' well-meaning 'everyone is different and hurt but healing' thing has its place and yet leaves even more of us invalidated, in the course of trying to validate the half-assed struggling of full-assed trauma survivors. It's getting very old in the AT world, being asked to empathize *only* and be welcoming *only* towards the people who literally won't stop treating you or anyone else like shit and drowning out AT communities with arguments and revealing just how illegitimate they think the experiences of others they impact are. Anyone thinking DAs and APs have equal interest, ownership or effort in healing their attachment trauma is from another planet. Measure it. We'll wait.

@@Whatevermancer Yeah, I stopped following this and other channels after I learned enough not to get involved with another DA again. I don't want advice on how to make it work. The DAs need to start putting the effort into their own damn relationships instead of expecting their partners to carry the load and then shitting all over them on their way out the door. Thais seems like a sweet and knowledgeable woman, but her brand of fawning and kowtowing to the poor little DA while taking crumbs in return is not for me.

@@Whatevermancer Just to add one more thing, Matthew Hussey says it best: "You have your reasons, but I have my reality [experience]. And what *I'M* interested in is my reality [experience]." In other words, who GAF about the DA's reasons. Being constantly dismissed, invalidated, and used is a reality I don't have time for.

​@@Revolution-tl5wo,same ....ditto.Done with DA's.

Same I have learned so much about me through my DA.

Same

@@Invisibility397 painfully true, in too many cases

hell i tripped too many of his "fear wires" apparently, but he always comes back.. I am open minded and happy to discuss why, what and how this makes you react this way, he didn't want to take that into account and value my prescence. not to just spill everything out, but just to have an open minded relationship to be friends first and not a relationship.its like he is scared of me..i can''t help you with what you want out of me, if you cannot basically communicate what you want out of yourself. wish them well!! they will appreciate it down the road :)

@@Invisibility397 there's a huge difference, with some stark overlaps

​@@Invisibility397 I dated an NPD for years, my DA felt healthy by contrast - she was just lovely to be with, whereas the NPD was horrendous. But it was just as painful when each left. I wanted my DA to be NPD so I could resent her and move on... but none of the NPD videos match her. The DA ones do. The two are different. Or maybe NPD is just much, much further along the scale.

DAs are the best! 😀

Ndu25 I can relate. It is truly beautiful once you figure it out. I am so so so grateful for this channel. I worked on myself and that affected the entire dynamic for the both of us. He is trusting the process and becoming more secure in the relationship which is only paying off on both ends.

So how did he fuck up? It always ends with the DA leaving

They were not necessarily victims. It suffices that some genetic wiring in their brain got them to think they neglected. It’s all about perceptions of realities rather than the realities themselves.

Also to be clear, I only ghost when fed up. Constantly leaving me on read then coming back a week or weeks later, repeatedly. At that point, I'm fed up. It's not my responsibility to tell you why it's hurting me, especially not when you're past 30. I'm not your mom and not your teacher. It might be an unhealthy mentality to treat someone with the same disrespect they treat you but at the end of the day it's the only thing that cures my anxiety and stops the yo-yo effect of trying to be in communication with a DA.

I'm sorry you've gone through such negative experiences with DAs. As a DA I can assure you if the ones in your life truly knew the manner in which they acted AND wanted to be better, they would so upset with themselves in how they treated you. I'm sorry and I wish you nothing but positivity going forward

Oh they care...they just have a hard time expression it.

Never let a DA into your life they will destroy you

I agree. We have the right to say “You really hurt me when you did that.” By not even saying hat it totally lets them off the hook for their insensitive behavior.

I’m thinking the same. I’m angry at the person who ghosted me (2wks today). How can I lie to myself and say I’m not mad at him for ghosting me? Does NOT make sense at all.

very well put.. exactly what i say to my DA everytime we break up.. if he will pay someone twice a week to discuss in depth about his da problems, why "ghost" or run away when I am here to tell you for free?!??!?!?

What you're basically saying/showing to them is, "I can love you and treat you respectfully despite the pain your behaviour is causing me. Despite how I feel right now, I am being kind to you ... and I'm asking you to be the same". If you treat the negatively, then you're just being to them like they're being to you. They feel justified and you'll feel justified. But you'll both be feeling justified in being horrid to each other. Wouldn't you rather they were kind? Wouldn't you rather they were strong and were able to hold on to those memories of how much they loved just days before and that they treated you according to those feelings instead? Then you'll have to show them how.

Also, what you're really trying to do is just get a closure conversation. You're trying to get them to feel safe enough to talk to you so you can get your needs fulfilled. It feels horrible to just be abandoned but a conversation will heal that. So you're kind to them, to show them how to be kind to you, so you can be kind to each other... and then part with a warmth inside you both.

What’s Nvc?

@@DC-bp8sx non violent communication

Happy this helped Kadeisha - PDS team member

It’s horrible isn’t it?

Ive done so much work on myself in the hope of reconciling

Same here. glad u said it made me realize he did the same. 8yrs wasted

Only thinking about themselves and would rather hurt the one that cares about them the most than take accountability

I think that's what toxic people do. My DA kept telling me he'd never abandon me. I didn't ask him to say that, of course.

Wow, so sad to read. 😔 Did you hear from him in the past 2 weeks? My boyfriend ghosted me 6 weeks ago, out of nowhere. 4,5 years relationship. Meanwhile, he's posting things on Instagram. How can people do this? 😔💔

@@GewoonEvelien this is so sad :(

Never trust a DA.

@@GewoonEvelien So sorry to read that. Have you heard from him? Hope you got friends around you to support you through this. I'm ghosted out of an 8 month friendship atm , can't even think of the pain this is caused after 4,5 years of a romantic relationship.

@@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648 Hey Linda! He got back in contact since the beginning of December. But it is not easy at all. Every time I try to talk about what happened all those months, why he did something like that, he just says:"I don't know" and he completely shuts down. So I have soooo many questions in my head, and zero answers. And in the past month, he has been ignoring me again for days or even a week. So I know nothing has changed, and I am afraid that he will ghost me again. I try to be so understanding and loving, but in the meantime I have to keep my boundaries. Most difficult thing I have ever done. Sending you sooo much love. I know what pain ghosting causes. And there is really nothing you can do about it, but wait. This whole thing has traumatised me so much. 😕

it usually literally is nothing personal, DA's just detach when they are not ready to be committed, to anyone. This is an automatic fear response

Functionally, being with a DA feels absolutely no different as the partner (or ex-partner) than being with a pathological narcissist. Even though dismissive-avoidant attachment and narcissism are totally different things and motivated by different pathologies, the experience of them is almost exactly the same. Ultimately, it's not worth investing in either of them because of how utterly self-consumed they are. My relationship with my DA ex was dominated by his needs and competing against me to get his needs met over meeting mine. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. I worked so hard to cooperate and collaborate, and all he wanted was to compete. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.

Not caring and not knowing how to show they care are two different things. When fear of something is overwhelming, it’s easier to shutdown. Particularly with people like ur self who then take it even more personally and resent doing what you can to help. Stop feeling entitled to a response and a working relationship with a da. Walk away urself if you need to. I’m an FA leaning heavily DA and most of my friends, exes, and my favorite sibling are all FAs leaning DA and DAs. I have one friend I would describe as secure and one who is definitely an AP but legit a lovely human who is married to one of my DA best friends. Every last one of them is a kind person who wants to do their best but struggles to communicate it at times. The people in my life I find the most emotionally exhausting are the two very heavily leaning AP FAs in my life. The constant need for validation and reassurance, the guilt tripping protest behaviors, etc… all of it makes me want to scream. I see their behavior as childish and immature and when I see the constant hate on DAs I feel automatically triggered in the same way. You guys don’t understand the level of entitlement you are showing that are driving away DAs. I’m not saying there aren’t assholes in every attachment style, but an attachment style isn’t connected to level of being a jerk. And most of the APs belittling all DAs are jerks for that and for not owning your own need for validation from external sources instead of within yourself. I’m not saying this without compassion because I lean heavily AP when I am struggling with outside stressors at a high level. But that feeling of ‘I am not enough’ and ‘I can’t trust him’ about a guy I’ve always known at my core would never purposely hurt me and had always been beyond protective of me, made me think, wait a second why am I suddenly thinking that? And led me on a journey to learning about attachment styles. I realized I was struggling with the fear of loss of abandonment due to being abandoned by my family during a very hard time currently and the thought of losing him too triggered my AP side. Except HE cannot be the sole source of my feeling of safety and wholeness. And thank goodness I’d been working on myself for years to the point when this guy came back I could recognize my own toxic thinking.

@@dalinplaisier6791 Everybody has fears, that doesn't mean a person lacks respect or empathy. It's so simple to just say: "Hey, I need my space right now and need time to focus on myself. Please understand." Ghosting is disgusting, it shows a lack of respect for the other person who was reaching out.

@@Revolution-tl5wo Really interesting point. I was raised by an NPD, and then I married one. I no longer tolerate NPDs, and as I'm getting healthier myself I see that now I am attracting DAs, BUT it feels so similar.

What if you send a similar message to a DA who instead took it as a threat and blocked you?

@@punkofmudd Wait on them patiently because what ever you do is going to seem like your trying to maneuver or manipulate them. Give them time and space and speak kindly of them to everyone they know. And if you see them be friendly and approachable. Keep the conversation light.

@@alstonkendra9 thanks so much! Would it be okay to reach out and explain after a few months or just leave him be?

@@punkofmudd leave him be I see you like him a lot. Work on building yourself up and becoming your best self. This will make your energy magnetic. It will make you more desirable to him. He will come back, but release your expectations of when he will come back. Good luck.

@alstonkendra9 Hey, why does my DA answers my Instagram story or text me and then ghost me why? I'm so confused.

@caucasianafrican1435 I ended my relationship with my Da because of compromise etc since I broke up with him 3 months ago answers my stories on Instagram and texts me but always ghost me after why? I'm so confused!

Did they ever reach back out?

@@angelab8137 yes they did. so keep faith that being DA doesn’t make you a bad person and try to empathise with where they’re coming from even though it is an incredibly foreign concept for people like us. a bit of unsolicited advice but i feel my fellow APs and AP-inclined folk can benefit from this, and that is to take this time out to consider for yourself whether you truly want to be with your DA, assuming you’re dating one. Or if you want to keep ties as friends. it is going to be really uncomfortable to confront some things about yourself. it is very difficult but will help you learn to self-soothe and ultimately further your growth towards being secure imo. good luck!

@@xxPASTAxxSOURCExx Thank you so much for your reply! I'm so happy to hear it worked out for you and I greatly appreciate your additional advice. I'm an FA, so it's a lot easier for me to empathize with him since I somewhat know and understand where's he's coming from, I just really dislike how he went about it. I'm debating on when to send the message, and how to word it. I don't know whether or not to tell him to not be afraid to reach out in the future if he feels inclined to do so. I'm also really afraid of sending a message because I'm worried it might come off the wrong way and I don't want end all possibilities of contact with him in the future. I do fully agree on using this time to deeply consider whether or not I really want to be with someone who won't be able to meet my emotional needs unless they themselves are willing to do some work on themselves. I'm planning on going to therapy and doing a lot of inner work. I wish I didn't like him so much so I could just say "well I don't deserve this treatment" and move on, but he's the only person I've ever been with that i felt understood and valued by, and that I could be my genuine self around (the last one is a big one for me since I've always felt like I was forced to abandon my sense of "self", by my caregivers especially). I'll do what I can by sending a message in a few weeks to a month from now, the rest is up to him. Sorry for the really long message, but I greatly appreciate your insight and advice. Wishing you the best 💜

@@angelab8137 best of luck to you too!

How long did it take for him to reach out and what did he say? Xx

For the same reason they ghost. They're selfish and lack empathy. Barely a difference between them and NPDs.

Have you told him this? If so and he isn't ready to work on himself move on.

Unless he is willing to work with you please get out. I have empathy and compassion but when it starts to consume your life…. Sadly walk away

Any update?

I for one appreciate that you are trying to work on your DA behavior. It’s the DAs that never work on themselves that really piss me off

@Kevin can I talk to you via email?

Bridgeton_S no he didn't give an explanation , i think he just loves me and he hates that he does🤣🤣. He unblocked me on instagram yesterday because our mutual friend had made him think i wanted to see him, so he messaged me "wyd" and i told him "please dont do this lol. we were doing fine without each other" and he said ok then blocked me again💀💀. im not even sad anymore he acts like a child

Bridgeton_S sorry for context ive been blocked since 2/7 of this year

Then leave people alone and get your selfish person to either heal and stay by yourself. Don’t go around damaging other people because you supposedly “feel lonely” just to destroy them.

@@eyesalsoneedtoeat44 Yeah, thats definitely what I should do but most likely will not