Thinking two years back I can't believe I'm going to write this now: This is why men like you are so extremely important when it comes to trauma treatment. I was sent to a female trauma specialist in hospital but somehow ended up with a male colleague. He did all the evaluation and interviews, I was nothing but scared, didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to be with him. I even considered jumping out of the window in the 5th floor at any moment to escape if necessary. Half a year like this passed by until a female colleague had a free place for me and when I started to work with her, she spoke about how much she appreciates him as a therapist, a colleague and a human being overall because of how loving he is. This is what it took for me to slowly but surely realize how right she was, some weeks later I chose to work with him instead. Slowly learning to trust and feel safe for the first time in life is amazing and healing on it's own, but experiencing this with a man just gives it a whole other dimension. Yes, some little alters are still scared to death by the fact that they are with a man and try to hide, but I can't imagine them not trusting him one day because he is the most authentic, understanding, caring and loving person I know. I wanted to share this because the potential of not generally avoiding men when it comes to a therapeutic relationship is enormous, at least out of my/our own experience.

Avoidance is weird because I used to think "well I don't understand why I have PTSD, I don't avoid anything". Mainly because one of us is addicted to his triggers, and I somehow assumed he was the only trauma part, because it's kinda my job to believe everything is fine. But then I realised that I avoid EVERYTHING. To the point where I repressed everything and didn't consume fictional media for months because I didn't want to have anything but positive thoughts.

I used to move cities every time a traumatic thing happened. Started from scratch. Avoidance to the extreme

Comparing the reward of avoidance to addiction seems very practical. Rewatching and listening again to your videos provides healthy, affordable, and foundational information. Thank you.

I hate the word "avoidance". I could never accept that I'm avoiding things, because avoiding, to me, is a concious decision. And I am not conciously deciding to avoid stuff that might be triggering. But sometimes I get panic attacks - like, one time I wanted to go to a concert and I got this massive panic attack because I was sure something bad was gonna happen, I think it was because something reminded me of a traumatic event a few hours before. Of course I couldn't go to the concert, because every time I thought about going I started to have another panic attack, until it was too late for me to go. (I then bought tickets for the same concert in a different city and went there instead!) Anyways, to me, that's not avoidance. I physically can't do those things, even if I really really want to. I try all the time and sometimes I manage to actually do stuff, but most times I get panic attacks. It still counts as avoidance. But for me there's a big difference and that's why I really hate that word.

Thank you..I'm an expert at avoidance! Only with the sexual assault domestic violence issues Car accidents or other things I can jump right back in and conquer my fear. I had some insight just now The other bad things like Car wrecks are just accidents even though they were life threatening The SA and DV are committed on me by another human are not accidents.. I remember specifically thinking at 12 I wouldn't let anyone DV or SA again. Then when the circumstances repeated at 30 I stopped allowing anyone that kind of access to me. I didn't trust my ability to keep myself safe I didn't trust people to be safe in an intimate relationship And, I didn't trust myself to not "forget" someone was hurting me which led to my fear if something happened I would " forget" and have amnesia and stay in a life threatening spot. Like I did last time. I am working out the details but here is what I know I am not the girl who was abused from birth to 17 and married into a abusive relationship. She had not known how to say no and expected nothing but that. Second I have had 30-57 to practice No, and being treated well and leaving anyone or anything that isn't safe. So that piece is ready. Now, for the final piece the amnesia..I haven't figured that out. If I can't do regular things without amnesiac experiences , happen to see rape on tv, smell certain smells or go to the dentist office, someone touch me on the shoulder unexpectedly how can I possibly have a intinate relationship , until I have a successful safe intimate relationship I still have all the bad experiences as the first thing that comes to mind. Such a conundrum. ..

Thank you so much for posting this because I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder a few years ago and had a wonderful therapist, but unfortunately had to relocate. I just happened to find probably the one therapist in the entire State that was a godsend but she was in her late 80s and unfortunately had some medical problems that caused her to disappear from my life over a year ago. Since then it's been strength of therapist who either completely discount my experience or Force me to re-explain essentially what DD is and what I'm struggling with on recurring basis meaning no progress ever happens.... And now it's gotten to the point where I completely avoid… while everything. I go into Fantasy world usually buy watching TV shows that have a lot of seasons which sounds ridiculous but it's so that I can avoid my real life. I am super lucky in that I have been awarded disability but due to my most recent therapist telling me that I "probably don't have DID" on my second appointment because it's "rare" and then persisting to tell me that my hours of time loss, or in some cases even days, was just like one time his sister gave him some strong pot and that's probably what's happening to me. Despite the fact that I didn't mention anything about cannabis so he essentially was stigmatizing and invalidating everything I was trying to say to him. I was completely avoiding going to appointments and now I'm avoiding even seeking out a new therapist and I know that things will just get worse and my world has become so small… I was a very social person with lots of friends and I spend 95% of my time now alone. There is a lot of shame and guilt in the fact that I'm avoiding things, my apartment is a complete mess and I can't even get myself to bathe. But just watching your videos is helping me… That's all I can really say for now. Thank you again and I look forward to healing one day

So just had this crushing realization a few weeks ago and avoidance is what it all boiled down to. And I feel like for so many years I've been unconsciously limiting myself and it all kind of came to a head with the pandemic and working from home and I think it was just time for me to reach that realization. And it's been crushing and liberating and while I want to deal with it it just feels like I'll be opening Pandora's box so I'm just battling the urge to slip back into that comfortable routine that's been ruining my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for this content, I'm processing a lot at the moment and this information is exactly what I need to understand how this all came to be.

Thank you so much for this. At times I have even forced a switch just so as to not feel something or see the flashback. Been doing this off and on for many years. Also do the usual stuff of miss appointments, not go to certain places etc. Sadly it is very true how tiny your world gets when all of it is around avoiding trauma feelings/memories.

I have had some success working with EMDR that is adapted for DID to address switching as an avoidance technique. Switching works really well to avoid things, and DID is a great solution to escape inescapable harm in the short term. Not so great as a way to live after abuse! My therapist is one of the therapists that has developed this protocol, and she trains therapists use it effectively. This isn't easy work, but it has given me some tools for living.

Your videos are always helpful. Thank you. Hope to see more vids soon.

Wow! This makes so much sense. Especially avoidance narrows capacity for good feelings and maintains trauma. Sometimes the reason for facing avoidance has to be linked to a stronger sense of game. It’s that immediate relief of avoidance and the feeling of giving up your right to avoid and not having the techniques to confidently try.

There is avoidance from things or persons that remember us the trauma, but we can also avoid actions, or going out the house because of FEAR of dissociation (becoming a child of four years old), can you make a video about that last one, and what to do? Thanks for all the good work.

One thing to consider is how Avoidance in people with CPTSD/PTSD/Complex-Grief can be weaponized by an adversary. An example I can give is what happened to me as the caretaker and advocate for my family member, after I witnessed being abused and neglected by medical professionals, and tried to do everything even remotely possible to get it to stop and hold those involved accountable. What followed was unrelenting retaliation via a brute psychological warfare campaign I couldn’t possibly conceive of being possible, let alone recognize it’s existence, until it was too late. As an abuse survivor who faced everything I went thru and fully overcame it, I initially presented as someone more resilient than most, with extremely thick skin, and tolerance for extremely hostile & threatening situations most “sane” people would run from. This, to most people, appears as “strength,” when what it really is was the “fight” response of my Complex-PTSD, fully channeled into doing whatever it takes, regardless of the expense to my mental and physical health, into saving the person I loved the most, just like he saved me when I was helpless. Without him, I found no reason to live. That’s what drove me to “go to war” with those trying to paint him as “mentally ill,” so they could justify psychotropically drugging him in order to discredit and silence him, while they built a case to publicly conserve him under an Act in the US that allows the state to petition for a “Mental Health Conservatorship” - the only type of conservatorship where the state can literally elect themselves to be sole Conservator over Person. During the legal battle I had no idea was coming, nor could’ve possibly been so nihilistic to expect would be filled with corruption, and truth itself become irrelevant; these drugs (a myriad of high dose anti-Psychotics & anti-Convulsants) started to cause him severe psychological, cognitive, and physiological disturbances & damage. They ended-up drugging him until he had a stroke (and continued drugging him after), which caused him to fall head-first into the hard tile floor and break his nose - and because they refused to give him medical attention he was never the same. Because their negligence and injury would cause them to lose the legal case they themselves initiated in order to overrule my power of attorney with this bogus conservatorship based on a psychiatric disorder that did not exist, likely to prevent me from ever possibly suing or successfully reporting them from Wrongful Injury, Elder Abuse, or Malpractice - and for the sake of retaliation itself for dare trying to hold them accountable; they never notified me nor the courts about his stroke because it would cost them the case. Long-story short, they won and publicly conserved him. Throughout this entire time, I was constantly gaslighted, stonewalled, lied to, verbally abused, denied access to him and his whereabouts and safety, and couldn’t request anything on his behalf - even if it was just giving him Tylenol for his untreated pain, or getting a doctor to look at the hernia caused by keeping an Alzheimer’s patient in restraints day and night (Alz/Dementia patients lose their ability to feel pain, and the restraints cause them constant fear, so they will never stop struggling in vane to get out of them - making them extremely injurious and inhumane to use; putting them at risk of actually breaking their wrists, and in his case, caused him ligature marks that bled & scarred, and swollen red blistered hands). What started to happen was I was forced to watch him being literally tortured in front of me, neglected and completely helpless; as I was now completely powerless to help him in any way shape or form. The nurses stopped answering the call button, leaving me unable to even request a diaper change in his hours soiled adult diaper he was wearing just weeks after he was a fully functioning independent adult - now reduced to being chemically confined to the bed in diapers and severely neglected, with untreated life-threatening medical needs I kept trying to get just a nurse to even evaluate, let alone a doctor. This is the day I, as a person, died. I’ve never returned to my life since that day. I developed extreme Complex-PTSD, and have been suffering from a permanent state of derealization for over 5 years now. Living like this, I eventually was forced to give-up, because everyone at these facilities was instructed to not “give me any information,” not to “help me” in any way shape or form, and not to believe me. I only know this because a Psychiatric Charge Nurse at the original facility that did this to him blew the whistle to me - but only in private, after it was far too late to undo any of the damage. This psychiatric facility/Hosptial has since been shutdown by the City *AGAIN* for kidnapping the homeless and profiteering by Conserving them under the same “Mental Health” Conservatorship for being “gravely disabled” (can’t provide own shelter, housing, medical attention), and committing Medicare & Medicaid fraud, denying their human, civil, and patient rights (denied their phone privileges and right to refuse psychotropic drugging). There’s so much of this I won’t even bother with, because it’s so long-winded and disturbing, that no one to this day has actually listened to my cliff-notes abridged sugar-coated version - let alone believes me. It’s so easy to look at all of this as “paranoia” - which is why I documented EVERYTHING. His medical records also prove everything. Something very traumatic happened to him a week ago, so that’s where the story about what they did to him ends. My entire point for all this background is that by the time I eventually became his Conservator - essentially I was so obviously traumatized, demoralized and now avoidant of the situation altogether, the corrupt Mental Health court and the public Conservator could now absolve themselves of legal ramifications by arbitrarily “electing” me Conservator. They violated the statute by not electing me as temporary conservator, and only choosing to elect themselves if he got injured or neglected or didn’t have his needs met on my watch. Not every illegal act is criminal, and they know poor people can’t afford to sue in civil court… so this was a twisted way of giving themselves a “defense,” should my demoralized avoidant broke self ever decide to face all this horror head-on and sue them. They also still retained the power to remove me at any time, so should I sue, they’d retaliate, and I’d be unable to stop them from drugging him ever again. So, I obviously never sued them out of exhaustion and pure unadulterated fear. I’ve lived my life shellshocked in fear, frozen in time, ever since. My best friend was also murdered while all of this was happening, and I had just completed cancer treatment just before this whole thing started. I was incredibly vulnerable, and I went far past my physical and psychological limitations trying to protect him, having no idea a powerful team of doctors were abusing their power to ensure a broke cancer “survivor” like me could never sue them. I’m far from the only person this has happened to… but nobody believes us. The avoidance part of my CPTSD started to manifest in all areas of my life, as my physical health also deteriorated, and since COVID, I’ve been avoidant about my own annual cancer screenings, fearful my cancer has returned. Every time the nursing facility my loved one got stuck at would call me about anything once I was notified he got COVID during the first massive surge that was taking out nursing home patients left and right - I became terrified that they were calling me to say he died. I was no longer able to visit him since the COVID lockdown started March 2020. At one point, the nursing home cashed a check they were sent by mistake, knowing full well I was Conservator - and I just allowed them to have the thousands in money because I was too avoidant to push it. I figured, “if this money will pay for his care out of pocket, hopefully this will encourage them to treat him better and finally listen to what I’ve been asking them to comply with for over a year, and hopefully they’ll stop trying to patient dump him (where he’d absolutely end up at an infinitely worse facility, like where he was under the public Conservator).” They recognized that if they pestered me enough, I’d disappear. They used this to their advantage, and it made me worse. The nursing facility staff even went so far as to leave me a voicemail that made it sound like he was dead, just to get me to call back the Business Dept regarding his billing. That’s actually when I found out they stole $20K of his money, but I was so relieved he was ok that I asked them to just send me the details in an email, since they kept stonewalling me saying they’d “have to look into it” every time I asked a question anyways. That email never came, of course, and I was too avoidant to hound them. I was no longer the pit bull protector that I used to be. I’m weak. This is overly detailed, personal, and tangential I’m sure - but hopefully someone cares to read part of it and recognizes that symptoms of CPTSD, like Avoidance, triggering angry “fight” panic attacks, etc; are being weaponized against some unfortunate people. Especially if you’re chronically ill or a caretaker and frequently dealing with the Medical industry; on all levels they learn just enough about you, usually by testing your boundaries or figuring out which buttons to press and how you react - you’re bound to come across individuals who’ve learned the dark art of exploiting your mental health and humanity.

you have explained this SO well thankyou

This is such a great insightful video and I can't wait for the next one. I'm currently getting intensive therapy and this is an aspect I haven't really considered and I really want to incorporate this concept of being aware of and maybe steeling myself against avoidance

Wonderful topic. Thank you for this discussion Dr. Mike 💜

Hi 👋👋👋 Thank you for being here! :)

Thank you for the video! I wonder if avoidance is more easily overlooked in cases of C-PTSD and DID/OSDD? For us, I didn't realize until it was pointed out how much avoidance can go unnoticed or have underlying reasons I (as host) may not understand. Like it's normal for children to not like the dark. However, it's not normal to get so much anxiety or fear of punishment in the dark that you need medication to sleep or have to literally exhaust oneself to the point where the body physically shuts down to sleep... And even then we may wake up after an hour or 2. What I thought was weird was actually a trigger to another Little and other trauma holder. Just a thought. Sorry for rambling! -Hailey (host) 💙

Thank you Dr Mike! Great as always.. it still takes me a few watch thoughs to get all your points, but we get there eventually ... Big denial system here.. one of our protectors - don't know his name yet - seems his role or job is simply: to make us all doubt any of this is real!! Haven't been able to get communication going freely .. his other job is to physically protect the body.. esp from physical threats. He loves to jump into a ruckus. He probably holds feelings of major avoidance also can't wait for part2. 8;00 Have a good week everyone!

So grateful for your educational videos, thank you!

Thank you.

Very similar to Pathological demand avoidance

Found your channel and it helps a lot. thank you!

Great video, really helping with my ocd which is kept/thoughts are made more powerful because of avoidance

Thank you for the great videos! :)

Your videos have helped me so much and I always get excited when I see a new upload.

Hello Dr. Mike! Thank you for this video, bullseye on me! :) We've missed you! Hope you can post more often.

Really good point.

Thank you so much

Thank you for sharing and look forward to the next one! I was wondering if at some point you could talk about re-enactment or parts that re-enact the trauma? Would that be the opposite of avoidance or is that a way of the mind to attemp to bring attention to the unresolved/unprocessed traumatic experience and change it? Thanks.

I'm just starting to notice avoidance happening with certain things for us in the last few weeks. It was weird when I first noticed and was quite confused and scared at the beginning. Good to know that its relatively normal but just need to monitor it - Jamie (host)

Thank you for the video. Makes a lot of sense.

So if trauma involves relationships, "no contact" in the long term may not be the blanket answer to the problem...

Thanx 💫🙏💫

This was a really helpful video thank you. I’m a little confused as to when the right time to walk towards your fear is. Would this be after you have done considerable trauma work? At the minute I am not able to tolerate any sort of physical connection with my husband, even holding hands. It is very hard. But when I do try it ends very badly as young traumatised parts take over but I am unable to communicate what is happening so it ends disastrously. Would avoiding physical contact in a relationship be sensible until there is good cooperation internally? At least for safety reasons? I had thought so but after watching this video I am unsure. I guess I can ask my therapist this also

Now I get to avoid dealing with my C-ptsd and possibly DID...our therapist is leaving in 3 weeks and there is no plan for us. Let's just say now its time to shut down and avoid it all.

But with DID I heard you don't HAVE to walk through that trauma again, because it may do more harm than good?How do we know which one to do?

So, If I avoid things I actually like doing, like playing the piano, because something in this activity, is triggering feelings that I cant contain, and also, it is a disciplin I find stressfull and hard to concentrate in, it could lead me to dissociative State. Because that is what often happens, and it is very sad since I love playing the piano?

What do I need to do to become a specialist in DID? I've searched it up and tried to figure it out by asking people but I've never gotten a direct answer.

Sorry I have a question... are you a psychologist or a psychiatrist?

My Avoidance is my House 🏡 Home…I’ve Got to get out as soon as I awake….😞

If I don't want to talk to anyone about my problems is that related to avoidance?

How can trauma seem to disappear for a long time? Could I be over it already? Could I have gotten over it by myself without therapy?

I'm trying to stop this

So, your saying any "red flags" be avoided in a vague nature

I have never found any real treatment.