Talking with a narcissist is exhausting

Gaslighting, lying, denying, blame-shifting, claiming to not remember, playing the victim ... I heard all of this in a single phone call with my mother in 2018. I felt like vomiting all over the phone.

Oh they'll tell you they HATE drama and are laid back lol

Liars, Cheaters and Thieves…

You are right. They refuse to communicate

Every time I tried to talk to him about my needs or concerns he would leave the room.

Once you know the rules of engagement, it's your decision. Either it's acceptable, and you deal with it. Or it's unacceptable and you move on.

if you talk to a narcissist how you feel. they would say that you have a self centered issue. it is always your problem if you talk to them.

Yes! NEVER reveal that they got to you! They will double down on the behavior!!! When you realize that that is happening you really have no choice but to leave!!

I found out early that the Narc had a terminal disability in communication and therefore was a waste of my time. 🤐

I find out I was in a narcissist relationship with someone about 5 years ago, I have read watch videos movies etc. since then. One thing I learned was not to even try to reason with them, It is a waste of my time

I have been with a narc for 11 years…. I have heard it all. I have studied it for years!! But this video 🙌🏼 “To a narcissist life is a poker game, they are hiding all their cards, they don’t want you to know how they really feel about things, they don’t want you to know exactly what they are up to or what they want, they don’t want you to know what’s really going on in their head, they don’t want you to know what their real motives are, or really anything about them, they are constantly hiding a whole hand of cards, and when you’re in a relationship with someone like that you are probably a more open book, you probably don’t realize that you’re with someone that wants to hide things from you….” This^^^ 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼Haven’t heard anyone say this part before and trust me I’ve probably watched 90% of narcissistic education vids out there….. But this statement is soooo accurate and helps me make sense of SO much!!!

Is it just easier for those of us who AREN'T masochistic to understand that hitting your OWN head against a brick wall won't ever make a person who's hurting you care?

I’m breaking down right now because I’ve been going through this for 6 years now and I’m so depressed, disgusted and tired

His responses were 'clinical'. 'Textbook'. He refused and or could not meet me on an emotional page. He would respond with 'psychological babble'. Never a hug, never a sincere effort to comfort me. To me this is disturbing.

There is no reasoning with them, simply put. Saying, "let's figure this out, let's find a solution, a common ground." They will just keep going in circles and in the end it's all your fault. To them it's about winning a game you never even knew you were playing and didn't want to play.

This is all too true. Just last night our 1-year-old was crying, and I told my husband to comfort her, but all he heard was "You're the problem; you made the baby cry", so he defensively played on his phone instead of comforting the baby while I was bathing our 3-year-old. And then he immediately went to bed instead of talk about the situation.

This is exactly what my soon ex husband is. His lack of conversation was always puzzling to me. I didn't realize exactly what he is until the brutal discard. They are very malicious, vile, and destructive. Youre so correct, looking back, he never appreciated the stability i am. Always grooming others, just evil 😈

Guess they are projecting. So spot on a waste of energy.

Every time I tried to engage and communicate with my ex Narc he would turn it into a huge fight ..that went no where except him breaking it off only to get back together a few days later ... saying that the relationship is so great etc. This was a perpetual cycle. He never wanted any communication. He hated it with a passion. While chaos and drama persisted I was immobilised while he just seemed to thrive and be more focused with life than ever before. I asked him about it many times and he said he was able to compartmentalize . Put it in a box in the forest and come back to it later. Of course he just didn't care enough that's all it was. Of course according to him I was argumentative because I tried to communicate. It didn't matter with how much love and kindness I tried to approach the conversations with he always turned it around and it blew up in my face. I realised he will never change. His whole life was based on his ego ...his grandeur idea of who he was. He was angry because I didn't put him on the pedestal he felt he deserved. He would call me out on that all the time. Narcs often hold positions of social standing. Professors, Bishops, politicians, councillors etc Don't think because they are educated especially in areas such as counselling that they can't possibly be a Narc ....that's exactly where they hide .

It's too bad because we could have made it as a couple. Because I never felt heard and nothing was ever worked out I went into a deep depression and started self medicating. I stopped wanting to go anywhere with him and be around him and so the relationship fell apart . Now I'm completely turned off from being with a man because I'm afraid this will happen again.

THIS explained my previous relationship This has brought so much validation

They do random stuff and taking mental note of what you deem hurtful, to use later on. You cant make this s--t up...

Trying to reason or attempting to help them understand how you feel about what they are doing is painful . I literally felt like I was having a burning deep inside my brain while trying to communicate with her how she was making me feel. One time I literally poured my heart out to her over the phone why I feel so hurt by her , and there was dead silence , I asked if she was still there , she said yes . I said I thought maybe we got disconnected as you did not say anything , and she replied that she was just looking outside her window , like she had no interest in even acknowledging what I had said , leave alone to help address what I said .

ITS LIKE TALKING TO THE FATHER OF LIES, YOU ONLY GET LIES, IF YOU TRY TO COMMUNICATE, I'M CONVINCED THEY'VE SOLD OUT!

They hear what they want to hear! Once they think they have you figured out, that's it. You're in a box and you ain't getting out!

Your basically Spot ON!! They pretend to be confused like you said. They pretend your not there… and no accountability when you confront the hurt/pain they cause. This is my experience with a vulnerable religious narcissist.

I,ll keep it simple this time. No you cant. It's a constant conflict for their pleasure. These blogs are a vivid reminder of what I'm missing...so glad about that, lol. Ps.. I have cats too. The narc hated animals. I think that was to degrade my life choice. No surprise there. One of those huge boundary busters. 😼

They definitely talk at you , especially when on the 📱 phone when you say can I just respond to what you’re saying they use ANY excuse .... I have to go to the toilet, my train has just pulled up , my phone battery is on low etc etc .

I am shadow banned so you won't see this, but just wanted to say you are 100% on point and your clarity about these narcs is a bright light. The PhD analysis is great, but you have a PhD is experience. All of us who have battled these demons and survived know you are the real deal. I say survive because it is like being a military veteran because you are never really the same. There is no going back to seeing the world the same way you did before. After battling these demons on many fronts, I no longer see the world along race or class terms, this is a battle between humanity and demons, period. I no longer compromise with these things, once I check the boxes on these narcs, this last round it took be 3 months, I'm out, there is no negotiating with these demons. No compromise. Just take your time back and leave. We need to vote back dueling into law because it is unbelievable these things walk amongst us.

This Woman Really Tells it How it is. Love The Part about Gaslighting and How Partners will Try to Gaslight You just to Break your Boundaries Calling You "Controlling" "Insecure" and Even "Abusive" 😂 The Projection is Incredible Sometimes

I've passed this video by several times because I am three years out from ending a 35 year marriage and I thought the information would be too late to make any difference for me. The example you cite (telling them you are uncomfortable with texting an old girlfriend) was so similar to the final straw of our relationship. I told him politely, I was uncomfortable with him meeting other women who I did not know for potentially sailing with him on our boat (I was amazed I had to tell him this!!). He shot back that I was creating drama and there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. Shortly after this, I found a picture posted of another woman on our boat. I realized then what you describe so well in your video (as always) that he just didn't care and nothing I said or asked meant anything to him. He would do as he pleased regardless of how much it hurt me. Its been a rough journey but I'm moving forward. Thanks for another great video that explains the experience so clearly.

Speaking about chaos and drama, it is in my experience an inevitable outcome in dealing with them at any point. I was raised in a generationally traumatized family system with high narcissistic traits and manipulations. I am a middle aged self employed carpenter. I no longer have any capacity to deal with them. I do all I can to spot them before actually doing business with them. I have an intake phone call that is a series of questions I give them and I just listen. I also have a section of my contract that is outlines actions and situations that is a breech of contract and allows me to terminate the contract on site. I have been working for myself for over 20 years, through this journey of learning about how I got here I came to realize almost all of my clients were high in narcissistic traits. They would repetitiously play the same games, despite them not knowing each other. Those games are the blueprint that breech of contract came from.

Holy crap…this is exactly what I’ve been trying to convey to my friend. As I put it: They’ve already made their mind up without even giving any clear communication. They make YOUR mind up FOR YOU. That’s pretty much what my friend has had happen in his marriage. She persuaded him to go to couples therapy and made out as if it could help prevent imminent divorce. But he’s found out she made her AND his mind up FOR him way before even starting it and giving things a chance. It’s like she always does these covert things to control things, but is the first to accuse him of controlling, even when his supportive comments are nowhere near controlling.

Haaaaaaaa!!! You hit it right on the head! Good job!! Stay away from these people, people!

As an example regarding what you said about an narcissist contacting an ex-girlfriend and the current girlfriend doesn't like it instead of her saying it makes me uncomfortable and then he the narcissist will retaliate with a myriad of excuses or gaslighting. This is what I think the current girlfriend should do. She has to be prepared to let this relationship go in the first place and she should say the following,' If you continue to contact your ex this relationship (meaning the relationship the current girlfriend has with a narcissist) IS OVER." You only have to say it one time, but you have to be sure the narcissist actually hears you and computes it in their narcissistic brain. Then if it happens and you know it, will you simply leave them ghost them? Go gray rock. Block them on your phone. They have to know you mean business. To say that they will just get somebody else or go back to the ex-girlfriend then EXCEPT THAT, because they were never really in a relationship with the current girlfriend to begin with. You are doing yourself a favor. You are lansing something cancerous from your soul. if you say this but don't follow through then you have in effect created a worst case scenario than the original problem. DO NOT allow a double standard in any relationship, whether it's with a narcissist or what is considered a Normal Person. Most narcissists are what is known as a "Playa," They like to have several relationships going on at the same time. Some of it is for sexual gratification to boost their ego, but at the core basis is always the source of supply. You may have your favorite beverage, but if you drink it all you won't have any more of that beverage. However, the narcissist has something else in the back of the refrigerator that will do until you find something to replace your favorite beverage. That's how narcissists operate. They never go without & the sooner the current partner realizes that and cuts ties with a narcissist, the better off they will be. They will be able to move on to a healthy relationship in time with someone else. Can you experience for them? Narcissist will be the shock of being cut off. They will won't even be able to contact the current girlfriend or boyfriend in their life to complain because you will have cut them off. I don't believe that narcissists think that their current significant other will ever follow through with what they say. You have to be very stern with them and let them know the first time will be the last time. You don't have to speak about it again and when you discover that they have done the exact thing you warned them about, YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CUTTING THEM OFF PERMANENTLY AND DON'T GO BACK.

It’s all mental and if we didn’t have you we would go crazy mental ! Thank you ❤your videos are priceless xxxxx

I’ve always referred to my husband as my roommate whom Is a robot. I never understood him never wanting to talk about the situation / argument that just happened. Never has an now I see ..never will. It’s a loosing battle. I also noticed he says what he wants to say but he doesn’t listen even to the point he will talk over me. never has said I’m sorry what was you saying. But he has in his head what I said or was saying which is not at all what actually came out of my mouth. When he knows I’m mad he will get way more mad he will get loud so I will shut up. Also it feels like he tries his best to pull the worse out of me , he wants anger out of me an have me act up. once got a camera an was going to record me. but when I turned it around on him an showed him what he looks like he threw another fit an acted like what he just watched himself do. Makes no sense to me!!!! Oh yeah almost forgot we’ve been married 21 years.

"Love is listening." cc. 👀🐡🌿 Great points! This makes the most sense from my personal experience. They(narcissists) fear invalidation.

Narcs have asked me the most personal of questions throughout my life - it took me a long time to figure it out - they need to have something on you and it will come flying back in your face sometime down the road.

I have totally experienced this. It didnt take me long to figure out the more I voiced my wants , needs, whatever.even something as simple as dont give my dog the treats with wheat because he us sensitive, the more he woulddo it. Like he had memory loss or was dumber than a rock.

Run people run!

You are so articulate and erudite! I really appreciate your communication skills!

They always answer my questions with an answer that are irrelevant to what I asked!! Off the wall from outer space. I’m always confused just being near a narc, or, unfortunately, just thinking about them. It’s horrible.

They already have a story about you in their mind. Like a kid playing with Playmobil. Everyone has his role and toys don't have opinions

When you say they’re wrong they’ll make u explain and explain and explain and find ways to confuse you and make you second guess your own explanations

You are 100% correct!

Great info. You've answered the question that I didn't know I needed. Now I know that I can't go forward with the in and out type of person. I believe you've save me from a lot more hurt and toxicity in the future. Thanks for sharing.

This is so good. I have had relationships with more than one narcissist but one in particular. Have to keep a healthy emotional distance from a narcissist..

Excellent video thank you not until I went no contact and text only with my ex-husband was I finally able to speak and be heard if he deflected or ignored me I just hit send again if he gas let me I just referred to the text to prove that I wasn't crazy it was so amazing to finally hear my own voice for the first time and to trust my own mind again

Yes!! I’m done with talking to my narc I’m so over it. You were spot on when you said they’re bored without the drama I’ve always noticed this about him he constantly needs drama I said I’m too boring for him he loves drama fighting we can be getting along great and it’s like he’ll find something to argue about anything and I hate it.

You have the best presentation on the narcissist that I have ever heard. Very down to earth! And well spoken! For the clearest truth about why communication does not work, I am so grateful! And you are right about this: A narcissist will cause the chaos, and then, come in and "save the day!"

Im so depressed! I can never express my feelings w/out him getting angry. He goes into a rage..He threatened to throw me down the stairs, hit me, threw me to the ground, smashed my phone, hit the wall. Hes a compulsive liar, verbally abusive and has been physically abusive. When I'm vulnerable he'll use my vulnerabilities against me. I'm addicted to him n I think trauma bonding.

The narc always has a deer in the headlights look, proving that they don’t want to reveal what they are doing.

Having a conversation with a narcissist is worthless ~ they gaslight ~ then act like everything is ok ~ and don't know why you are so upset over nothing ~ then can we have sex ~ no way no way I can't do this anymore I am so done

She always blamed me for the awful communication every time , she was always do crap that she would never take responsibility and accountability to fix the situation. She would want us to go to therapy for communication, it’s impossible to ever communicate your needs to a person that’s emotionally absent, it will never work

If yove been threw it healed from it are aware an awake did your time ❤😊you are a proffessional yes you are!

Like speaking to a Alien of sort🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔…and your so right.,it’s confusing.,moves to frustration.,and then I’m done.,.no contact🤨

I divorced my wife after 6 months because she could not stop talking to her abusive ex BF. She gave me the same lines about controlling, insecure, immature etc etc. Fine. I left. Nobody is controlling her now.

This is a great video! That’s exactly how they are!

I grew up in a family and married into a family who refused to discuss anything to come to a solution. Reconciliation is only possible when we give up and do what the narcissist wants. Sadly this family system influenced our children and they too cannot be reasoned with about anything. They all just fight when confronted with their rude behavior. It only takes one time of attempting to discuss a matter and we become a target and will gossip using half-truths and lies to influence others against us.

Wow, I finally now realize that I've dodged a bullet leaving the narcissist!

It’s _amazing_ how you’re able to encapsulate these (utterly futile) interactions with narcissists.

Narcissists are demons

One-way conversation, not dialogue ❤

Nearly 20 years of stonewalling and abuse has been a challenge to heal from and find a way to communicate with others again. The ex, on the other hand, puts on the mask and is just fine.

"We are just friends. You can't tell me what to do." but if you did it there'd be hell to pay.

This is hindsight 20/20… I wish I was strong enough to have left when I saw all the signs from her.

The Poker analogy accurately describes the Narcissist's strategy. My Ex was addicted to an internet game called "Othello" which is a game of strategy. I suspected the game was helping him perfect the manipulation and mind games he was playing on me. The internet game is based on Shakespeare's play, Othello, who was manipulated into murdering his wife, Desdemona, by a malevolent villain, Iago, who deceived him that she had committed adultery. When Othello learned his wife was innocent, he committed suicide. My Ex was also determined to destroy my family relationships and he nearly succeeded. I appreciated your most appropriate analogy for the Narcissists' modus operandi.

Thank you! I received a voicemail from my mom( I’m no contact but i don’t block her calls)I NEVER pick up.her voicemail is Always a reminder that I’m doing the right thing. Apparently my brother ( who I have no contact with because he’s a Narc.) had a surgery. Obviously a perfect reason for her to try to prey on me. Then I opened a bday card from her thinking I could handle it. I can but the day of receiving it I was angry. It had a note saying she needs to know what happened in the past. My Mom is telling people I don’t speak to her because she thinks my Uncle molested me . WTF told others he did to her too. With the exception of his creepy predatory behavior I managed to run from his attempt to kiss me when I was about 8. The least of my problems ( & He did that to all my cousins) Absolutely gross that she’s telling people not to mention if he did that to her she didn’t attempt to protect myself & my siblings. Yes, So she has it in her head that’s why I don’t speak to her eventhough I told her 100 times why. I will not be disregarded, disrespected, diminished etc….. So, Thanks again . I will not be trying to explain again. She can take her story to her grave & Answer when she arrives @ the Pearly gates. Soooo sick

My ex would project her boredom onto me. She couldn’t admit she was bored with me, so she just accused me of being bored with her. And how did she remedy that situation? By picking fights. She seemed to think we had a fighting deficit. She was addicted to that sense of relief that you get after a fight, felt it was the highest form of bonding. Well it was successful at stopping my boredom!, But it had the unfortunate side effect of turning our relationship into a war zone, causing me to run away from her like my life depended on it, because it did!

I'm so glad your video appeared on my feed, thank you very much for the information shared. I've worked with survivors of domestic violences and feel validated by what you explained. I understand narcissistic abuse but began to doubt what I know about abusers when my job had introduced "restorative justice" practice and I was being told, I'm being "closed minded" for not embracing this for D.V. survivors but after hearing your information, I know I'm wasn't wrong. It would be great to hear your opinion on the practice of "restorative Justice" in cases of domestic violences/narcissistic abuse 🙏

Hell this is the best explanation that I have ever heard!!!

Life is a constant game to them 🤯 accepting this is a game changer

Thank You so much!!! Finally you say it just the way I love it!!!! Love your fur baby!!!❤😂

This is so true and yet I keep spinning my wheels trying to get my narcissistic sister to get it.

I'm so glad I just watched this video! I'm arguing with my boyfriend right now about him talking to his ex wife. For 6 years. It's not as bad as it was in the beginning. But he doesn't care what I say.

This video really helped me and I had so many lightbulb moments. He behaved almost to a T, they way you described in most of Your examples. I think having some validation that I wasn’t crazy is going to help me along in my recovery process

This was very important for me to listen. Already out of a relationship. Did last 4 years, and 4 years too long. I am very happy to be free. Thank you❤

When you try to teach them things it’s true they do react that way but they will also take what you said and apply it if it’s something they’re interested in they just won’t give you credit for it. They will just act like they knew already Or leaned on their own

Spot on❤

Aloha, a new Subscriber. A waste of time talking to a Covert Narc. Didn't know you had a channel!👍👍👍💜

Thanks. Just what I need to hear right now!!

Work with my narc ex. Went no contact for 26 days. Tried to have a convo with her to make amends and she ran off crying! Tried to appeal to her by letting her know we have the same base issues and she hung up on me! I got upset and called her a fraud and put her back on no contact. She probably got more energy out of my anger than before. Learned my lesson. THEY DON'T CARE!!! 🤦🏾‍♂️

You are so right ❤! Thank YOU 🙏! This is heartbreaking 😢

Thankyou 💯 percent Spot on 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I wish I heard this years ago

I think we know why they can't listen to you, they are master manipulators and really don't care how you feel. I am exhausted dealing with people who don't give a damn so guess what I'd rather do without the stress thanks. I have no bad bones in this body and if someone plays me just once more I have neither the strength or inclination. It's tiring and stressful so best bet, if they want to get in touch they will find a way. Be on your guard at all times against these people.

This is truth, and it helps. This is helping more than all the others. The others( other people who talk about this subject) are full of revenge, disrespect, but this has the right explainations and focus.

You are unbelievable. Wow!!!! Were they born that way or did something trigger them from their youth? His favorite words, especially when I was hurting and wanting an apology.... "let's move on." Can I tell you how that made me feel? He's written me several two-or three-word emails saying nothing really, conspicuously not addressing what broke us up. Instead he sends me back emails I'd sent to him years ago telling him how much I loved him. In one of those 'forwards', he actually asked "where did all that love go?" A proper narcissist, I tell you. I definitely dodged a bullet there. Oh, he says he owns me, every part of me and that he will never let me go. I still can't believe I got involved with him but the love-bombing in the beginning fooled me. What can I say?

I just discovered your Channel. Very good video, excellent!

@lookingbehindthemirror Your insightfulness and understanding has helped me so much in the past couple days. As i am now dealing with a narcissist that is pigbacking off my first one! It has a affected me to the point of severe stress and my health being compromised. I also love dr ramani and lee hammock. You explain it so i depth as far as the objective and the experience and it helps alot. I knew i wasnt imagining things!

How about telling them that all you want is their sex and that if they're not coming around to bring that body then don't come around ? I plan to do that,sounds like the perfect plan since they don't like others calling the shots. That should make them run permanently... i think,gonna try that today. I am tired of the neverending hoovering,I already told her she needs help.

I have recently discovered that my daughter in law has strong narcissistic behavior and view points - in fact she is classic! Wish I had figured it out much earlier in my life, but better late than never. In effort to help my son-in-law to understand what is going on with her, I have watched over 500 videos and read many essays on the topic of personality disorders. I appreciate you approach and insight. Thank you!

My narc always thinks he knows what I'm going to say before I say it and interrupts me several times as I'm trying to tell them a new piece of information. This is frustrating because I interface with things that affect business matters and it's hard to impart vital information because i have to get through this cloud of repetitious thoughts and emotions he has. He is often wound up from watching NewsMax nd Fox, and so wants to relate anything I say to something he has heard there.

This vitally important video followed on from other ones I'd watched while cooking and eating a meal etc and it's a timely reminder to NOT convey to my highly narcissistic sister that I was triggered by seeing upsetting photos she sent before my birthday last month and at Christmas! I'm not sure if she did it on purpose, or was just oblivious to the effect they'd have on me due to her lack of empathy and compassion, which was caused by various issues. I was going to mention how upset I was at the time, but ended up writing a short message (she lives in another country and don't talk on the phone) and thanked her for sending them, which didn't seem right. Do you and/or any followers think that it's best to leave it at that now?! I want to add that she has the usual narcissistic behaviours, so often uses DARVO when I mention issues. She used to regularly criticise me and has physically assaulted me as well, hence why I asked her to leave when she was staying at my place again. 🙁

Thank you! You just helped me a lot by that explanation so I don't further mess myself up!

I am so jealous, mine has gone, they become your best friend!❤❤❤❤

I love this video. Beautiful. Thank you. Love the high vibe, very high vibe, smoothly joyful and easy to understand 🙏 #grateful

BEST BEST BEST VIDEO EVER. Hugs and thank you. God bless you and your loved ones. From JANESVILLE, WI.