This is so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I were only married for 5 years and he cheated on me the entire time with multiple women. I can’t imagine going that long with not knowing if you can trust your spouse. I’m so glad I found out when I did but I’m also wishing I found out earlier before I had our second child 😭. He ruined the joy of my new baby with his bull****. And the memories I have of the last five years with our first I just look back and think “it’s not as happy as I thought it was”. I hope you can find your healing and happiness in spite of everything she put you through. You deserve truth, honesty, love, happiness, and peace.

Same!

Have him watch these videos maybe he can understand you, if he does than he is trying and there’s hope.

@@yvonneybarra1560 omg im in this exact same situation , she said she regrets it and that we were arguing , and just a whole mess of lies , i found out and she swares im the one for her and no one can take my spot . I honeslty just hate this feeling , i dont even know who i am anymore and it kills me . I just need somenone to talk to who understands

Very similar to my story...

It's been nearly two years since I learned of my partner's three long year affair online. By the sounds of it, I was in a similar place as you find yourself now. Maybe I can give you a little hope? I was no longer of a rational mind once I discovered my partner's affair and had to contend with all the unraveling of the lies and I had so much anger inside me for what he did to me, to us. I could not stop obsessively thinking about this other woman, or rather the fantasy version of her in his head, and what I knew they had done together for years. There was a lot of contempt and hurt and tears and frustration. And for as many poor choices as he made in the aftermath which pushed me to the brink time and again, something began to change inside of me about a year and a half of coping with everything he put me through. Early on we read a lot of self help and relationship 'after infidelity' books together, discussing them section by section - I highly recommend Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight and Sheri Meyer's Chatting or Cheating. For as much unrest which lay between us and for as much turmoil as I was experiencing, I noticed that our arguments came less frequent and in between those arguments were tender demonstrations by him, or attempts thereof. I knew he had been faithful ever since I caught him, he doesn't even socialize online with anyone anymore and he reports in to me throughout the day so I don't suspect him of anything bad because I always know where he is and what he is up to. He even let me put parental control apps on his computer and phone so I could see what he was doing and who he was talking with to help rebuild trust. For all he was doing to show me that he was recommitted to our relationship, I had to ask myself for how long was I going to punish him for his crappy life decisions. And it is a kind of punishment to hurt someone so deeply and watch their spirit die - knowing you are responsible and then to have them remind you every single day for years of what you have done to them.. I did not want this to be the future for either of us. I asked him, "Is this what you really want for the rest of your life- always needing to atone for hurting me and saying you're sorry forever?" And he responded, "If that is what the price is to spend my life with you, then yes." As a couple, we are much more together today than we were before his affair, I think because we really got to learn who we were and not just assuming we knew one another simply because we'd been together so long. And somewhere along the way we fell back in love, but it's a different kind of love. More recently, the triggers still come but with less frequency and they don't make me obsess anymore. I don't get as emotional or shut down, I just let them pass. Things aren't 100% with me and I will carry these scars from what he did to me and my heart, but for right now everything he does is enough. I don't ask from him more than he can give, and throughout every single day he shows me in so many ways how much he adores me. Why I shared my story is that maybe one day you will have this kind of turning point, too. What wrongdoing you have suffered, that doesn't go away. How you react to it will change, though. And if you find you can never get to that point with your own partner, maybe that is an indication you should consider when thinking of your future health and happiness. I wish you all the joy and hope in the world as you continue on your path, and hopefully you will come out the other side a little bit stronger but not jaded. xox

You're not alone friend.. 😢

You guys never tried to work it out and see a marriage counselor? That's awful that your still struggling like you are.

That’s the answer I got

Please tell her the truth I know my husband cheated he won't tell me anything he shuts down all communication when it comes up and punishes me for bringing it up and I hate him and can't forgive him on top of that he was controlling and abusive ....if you're wife throws a tantrum let her do it she will be ok in a few hours or sometimes days just get through it before menopause starts and don't do it again....oh and getting jealous is a trigger I highly advise you don't pull I wish you both the best

Thank you for sharing. I hope you are able to heal and save your relationship. Stay strong. I am praying for you.

What If sounds like me it’s been 5 and I still have problems

@@laneyjones2334 same here its been almost 10yrs I know it was wrong. but its driving us apart and I don't want that I love my wife way to much.

Its been 7 years for me too. She still hasn't blamed anyone else but me. To this day.

My wife cheated back in 1994 and I still deal with the fears and scars it brings! Couple of days after I found out, she had the gall to tell me I had Two Weeks to "get over it!!!" NOT!

@@jerryheck5344 jerry my wife had a 6 year affair with her boss from 1983 - 1988. I stayed married for kids. Depression on and off for 25 years. Finally got counseling 5 years ago. Never a day goes by where I don’t get a reminder in my head.

May you find additional healing for that feeling. Remember we never truly know what others are going through, or what they are hiding, or what they need to heal from. You are no less than another human and they are no better than you bc of struggling with different struggles. Be blessed today-you, your marriage, and your family. Amen. Amen.

I hope you can move past this. Just keep in mind that it’s all in your head what you see other people enjoying. What goes on behind closed doors that people don’t know about happens to so many people. Probably everyone. I try to keep this mindset so I don’t get into a victim mentality and see it just as something that happened to me that I’m not alone and most people probably experience. You never know someone else’s struggles so it’s better to assume that no one’s life is perfect and they have their own struggles that they’re probably jealous of our lives for

I agree why do so many people choose to cheat?

S Fought that’s not just mean that’s verbally abusive and bullying

S Fought As someone who’s been betrayed if they blame you it’s about them. Above you said he said you’re ugly and or not enough....Guess what it’s not you. What he says to you is what he thinks of himself, and YES he’s abusing you. He’s pushing the hate he has for himself onto you. Don’t care what anyone says here on this comment as there are decent people that may heal and mean it. Speaking from experience in going to therapy, my ex lied. Leave and heal yourself, and let him know you’re not there to abuse, humiliate and cheat just so he can feel better about himself. If he thought that he’d been decent and broke of your relationship before he played games. lThat’s an insecure man who has a void and like a vampire he is and will continue sucking the life out of the people he uses yet caress nothing about. Been there done that , and it hurts, worse when you figure out they lied about a lot, fake and phony people are takers who bait people and catch them like fish, meaning they don’t value anyone, it’s a game.

Guys do that when they wanna control, it’s easier to control you if you believe it. He’s taking away your self love. Go find it

I experienced the same...my boyfriend insult the way I look ..he insulted the colour of my skin he insult every thing about me...still I showed him love and care ...but I forgot to think that ..he never loves me faithfully he just use me for sex

can't give him all the blame bro

i blame the chupacabra

It sounds to me like you just found out. We'll, when you first wrote this comment. Of course you were devastated. For you, it's was today that the infidelity happened. My time frame of disclosure is shorter and it happened 4 months ago. But for.me disclosure was recent. Don't let her tell you to forget. I felt so used, lied to and wonder what front he put on before and after the fu*&ery.

You with a straight up narcissist best thing for you is to understand narcissism then show your husband those videos.. does your husband show any remorse or empathy for what he did? If he is constantly putting the blame on you and has a mask as you say and he could be narcissistic and if that is the case then you are dealing with somebody who will never change who will never love you who will never ever feel sorry they don't have empathy they copy you and they make you because they don't know how to be themselves. I'm not giving you a self-diagnosis or anything I'm telling you based on my own experiences with NPD father and mother brothers and sisters it's been around me my entire life and now I see it everywhere. Watch Dr Grande's videos on Covert narcissism and overt narcissism if he's being abusive and blame shifting then he's overt. Good luck and God be with you.

I feel you... 😪

i'm so sorry becca. are you getting any help? have you asked him to get professional help through something like our courses or intensives etc? will he do it?

hi chris. i'll be direct but gracious. asking your spouse to find out why they committed one of the worst atrocities you can commit in marriage is not controlling brother. asking or even demanding your spouse get expert help is not controlling. it's wanting to never have to live this way ever again. i would use these two resources to get her to cooperate: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change i would worry far less about being controlling and be far more concerned with getting expert help and with preventing relapse to never feel this way again. bumming her out is far more secondary to not having to live through this nightmare again. she did the act, so unfortunately, this is part of the consequences to her actions.

You are telling my story...THIS IS SOOOOOOO DANG HARD...ITS SOOOOO PAINFUL

Because we think we own people. Instead of understanding people aren’t perfect and make mistakes. But we feel we owe all that persons experiences

@@samshealingpodcast so so true

@@highvaluewomentalkwithkris6534 Having an affair isn't a mere mistake. It's a damn grenade, thrown at you by the person you love the most, who you thought loved you the most. What a bunch of bunk, "we think we own people". Good grief. If you're married, you do own each other, in a biblical way. There has to be boundaries, there has to be respect, of course. Your bodies are not completely your own anymore, they do belong to the other as well. That's what the union of "the two become one flesh" is really all about. To give yourself to a third wheel is therefore sacrilege. It absolutely absolutely soul crushing to the spouse, and if they have any decency or conscience left, it's soul crushing to some extent to the cheater too.

How are you guys doing now ?

Opportunity presents itself to EVERYBODY. cheating is not just an opportunity thing, otherwise everyone would cheat.

True but I. 20 + years with the same man I turned down every single one wish he would have done the same

BS! Affairs happen because the affair partner is SELFISH!

i would ask her to do some expert driven recovery work with you like this: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online i would also ask her to do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp

I felt this I’m the betrayed and I’m trying so hard for us to open up with each other she was black out drunk and “doesn’t remember” idk if i should accept that answer or if she is lying. She gets black out drunk and there are times we did… I want to specify she asked me to and the next day she would remember a lot but not specific things with this monent she says she doesn’t remember anything

i'm so glad i could help. it's an honor to help you and stand with you.

we don't have any for that my friend. i'm very sorry. what help has he received and what work has he done? are they just general counselors or were they experts and what help is he receiving now?

I'm sorry that this happened to you. But that is not an affair. That is ... Something else with such an age gap. 😳 I pray that you get the help and peace that you need. 🙏💞

Good question for me it was 48 years

even if he says he knows, he probably doesn't as he's not an expert, too close to the situation, and probably hasn't had expert care, right? so he is probably going to be speculating. i would get expert help and see if that helps him know why. even if he were to blame you, that's only his response now, not after expert help.

Same!

i would study infidelity from a source you trust to gain insight into why people cheat. affairrecovery.com is a great place to do that, so is survivinginfidelity.com but also reading books, looking for information on why someone cheats. you need sources you can trust though and rely upon for objective, non condemning information ya know? not just, 'cause cheaters are wicked people.' as you gain insight you can then put some pieces together on why spouses cheat and gain information into it all.

I having a hard time with my wife because she is stuck in her happy little world of instagram, facebook, my life is great.... ect .ect .meeting more people, and justifying all the time on her phone because she is a marketer....surrounded by many successful men all day....i get it....but dosent give a crap what i think or how i feel....her actions show it....last night her sister asked her out to sushi and i said i dont feel like going, ....i was hoping she would have stayed home with me last night.....with everything we are "trying to rebuild" ....im left very confused as to how someone would not consider how i would feel left at home , abd as for her sister who knows whats going on, why would she think its OK for my wife to go out with her at this time....

i don't know that you can make her do it my friend. it may be worth it to actually reverse your course of action and not ask her to do it. maybe that will make her feel safe to look at them on her own? i would focus on something else to help her or let her do her own work right now. if it's not working, maybe it's just not the time right now to focus on these videos with her and let her do her own work and you do yours?

hi there. it's simply not true. he's self diagnosing which never ends well and is clouded by a lack of objectivity and expertise and training. his answer seems to be simply justifying it and minimizing it and it's simply not that simple or even true. here are some thoughts on why spouses cheat in article form: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin ((it's a two or three part series))

Hello. I’m going through the same thing now myself. I found about my husband’s affairs with prostitutes and online hookups 5 weeks after our baby was born. After I had the baby he would beg me for sex and cry about that he couldn’t get sex. I was so angry at him for not understanding what my body went through to give him the greatest blessing of his life. It boils down to its not a new problem it’s a him problem. He wasn’t ready to be a true husband and father. The image he had of marriage and fatherhood was selfish and was only what he could get out of it. He’s going through recovery of sex addiction but I’m really hoping he changes his mindset and understands that we as his family have needs and feelings too aside from just himself. That there are responsibilities for the household where his wants and desires will be put on hold until dishes are clean, kids are clothed and bathed, babies are fed, etc. it makes me angry sometimes that he left me to struggle by myself with those things while he went out and spent our family’s money on other women just because they promised him sex. If he was patient and waited and helped with some household duties he could’ve gotten it from home for free. He’s trying to change and wants approval, but I don’t want to give him approval for just doing regular responsibilities. I never got those thank yous. I got cheated on because I was “too busy” with responsibilities he helped me create.

unfortunately, for the long term and the safety of your marriage, that's not good enough. he will need to do expert driven recovery work to find out why. he's not going to be able to figure it out on his own, hence the need for expert care and support. the right program and approach can help him find out why. here is a course for him: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing hope that helps.

as unf, we minimize our choices. we always try and minimize the effect of what we've done and what impact we've brought upon our spouse/partner. it's unfortunately, a normal defense mechanism. the truth is, it's not better or easier, it hurts like hell. it also opened you up to dangers that are less likely to happen if he was just having an affair with one woman....he's engaged in behavior that could have cost you your life even with known diseases. i'm sorry you're in this spot. i would take care of you, draw boundaries and get expert help so that an expert can help bring truth, clarity and healing to the situation: especially his version or idea of what's better or worse. don't panic, this is normal, but you do need expert care/intervention.

more than enough time, unless the right help has not been utilized or they don't want to change. then perhaps, it's more than enough time to move on.

Yeah, that sounds like you're codependent with a very dysfunctional man. He has problems but so do you. Heal yourself and then decide if you still want him

hi there. i need attention is a bit of an oversimplification my friend. it's deeper than that. this course will help you immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you'll find that on our site and it's life changing. it will help you find out why you did what you did and how to move forward, taking care of and loving yourself, not to mention forgiving yourself. are you reading any books at all? what type of background do you come from in terms of world view?

If the deeper reason is that you need attention there's actually nothing wrong with that. I've been cheated on yet also came extremely close to giving in to temptation myself too, and indeed in both cases the foundation of the temptations/actual affair? Attention. Kind, nurturing, friendly, intense and loving, attention. Just not from partner!

it's a case by case basis my friend. that love and respect can come back if both parties are open to it. however, it's not a guarantee though. i would see about seeing an expert and walking through a process that can help you decide if you want to see if it can be saved....if not, sadly it may be time to end the relationship and prioritize your own healing and the kids' well being.

She obviously needs more/different from you. Ask her! Then actually do what she says! Be humble and FIX the damage you caused...

expert help will help him find out why.

there's always a reason my friend. some of it is truth some of it is not...the expert process will help them find out why. if they don't know why, the chances of relapse increase exponentially. he may have no idea....but an expert and an expert process will help him understand why.

thank you so much

i'm not sure i understand the question... but if i do, sometimes we need to have the same answer, but maybe find new verbiage, or maybe simply try and go deeper into answering the question. if it's a simple question of what did you eat/drink/go etc, well then it should never change.

@@samshealingpodcast OK. thank you for replying. i appreciate that.

it's normal. it's probably a fear to tell her everything as it will crush her and hurt her more. it's also just a normal desire to not give up all the info out of fear of having her feel so much pain. if you want to heal though, you'll need to get expert help and find a third party to help you understand why you do what you do and where it's all coming from. this course may help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing this article will also help you my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell hope those thoughts help you.

Lou S. Wow, thanks for sharing. If you can be honest knowing your not going to be held accountable here, then you can do that and be honest with you wife. Be truthful about wanting both, and decide to leave the other alone