“All metallic dragons are prime spouse material” as someone who listens to Unprepared Casters, this take doesn’t surprise me at all lmao

"would he *murder* me at any point in the marriage?" the bar for a D&D monster partner is so low 😔

my favorite parts are the parts where one option is so passionate and gets placed immediately and then the horror on your face when you remember the other two options. 10/10 love it

Things I learned from this video: 1. Haley ✍️ has ✍️ a ✍️ thing ✍️ for ✍️beholders. 2 Haley is engaged

This has huge BDG/Unraveled vibes and I love it so much

"This hand and I are getting MARRIED. And we're going to be HAPPY together."

"Nutty Buddy Box" is another good phrase for fmk.

This is amazing but I also love the "well it's dnd so I just assume if they speak a language I can magic my way into communicating" vs "well, they live underwater but I can't breathe there sooo"

There once was a bard on the horn Who happened upon a Zorn He denies they conspired But nine months transpired And his new darling daughter was born!

“The couatl doesn’t have enough limbs.” “The xorn has too many limbs”

Marrying the mono-drone gives me the same energy as being married to your *spicy* electric “toothbrush”

imagine asking a crawling claw for its hand in marriage

this and the baldurs gate video combined give a great picture of where specifically haley falls on the monsterfucker scale

New challenge: take all the monsters you put in the marriage category & play this game with just them Worse challenge: do this with the slain beasts

I love watching videos like these because it's a humbling experience, y'know? You get comfortable after a while, start thinking you're normal. Keeps you grounded. Reminds you the Maticore isn't an obvious fuck for everybody, and that "scary looking" is actually a negative, not a bonus to most.

5:00 in the immortal words of Adam Savage: “The only difference between science and goofing around is writing it down”

Just got on the Whipjack train today and I respect how much of your content consists of performing unethical psychological experiments on yourself.

I cannot believe how often we disagreed, but it told me more about myself than I ever wished to know. Thanks for that.

The fact this video is over an hour long and I'd been laughing continuously through the first 12 minutes means this is going to be a personal favorite

"Maybe they're cool! I've consulted the book; they're *not* cool" 😂😂😂 This is why I love you so much, Whipjack. You are amazing 😂

I love how the ground rules include the fact that as long as something understands a language you can do magic about it, but we're just ignoring the fact that potions of water breathing exist the whole time

honestly a good portion of the monsters in the monster manual are fckable like a surprising amount

this video genuinely sent me off on the thought train of how to make a marriage work with a succubus. like, "oh, well we can just have a polyamorous and/or open relationship where we get certain needs met elsewhere, but we can still love each other and communicate! i imagine the succubus will also want an additional partner because it's not like she's getting her needs met from what she does, right? it's not like she's doing it to have fun, she's trying to gain sustenance. she's a sex worker is what i'm saying. really what is sex work other than having sex as a food source but with more steps and less soul-stealing?" and then of course that would mean the claw would go in the penthouse. i have only one thing to say about that: what that hand do?

Words to live by: if you have the opportunity to marry a metallic dragon, you BETTER put a ring on it.

I think it’s funny that you are a bard but won’t spend any spell slots to breath underwater, fire resistance, etc.

In watching this, I learned that I have some very weird hills to die on-- including that cyclopses get the pit. They know what they did

Psuedodragon on the bottom because small dragon immediately after marrying the faerie dragon fucking sent me

I think we all learned a very important thing today Haley gives a convening amount of thought into hands

now i want to play a wizard that was power-of-love'd out of being a nothic

My favorite thing about any Haley video is the big "Is she okay?" energy she gives off.

Truly the hunger games of "I can fix him" candidates

Question: Do you have to actually fight the ones you say you'll kill, or do they just drop dead, because that seems like a very important detail that would change my answers drastically.

19:16 Baldur's Gate 3 has aged this section well

the joy? when I saw this video was out? Unparalleled. Unprecedented. Sleeptime listening handled for the next three weeks I think. Then back to old verbs compones.

Love the video!! We love to realize how fckable things can be in the right circumstances. Also for future videos I think it would be good to boost the audio volume by about 45%!

I think the part of haley that refused the flameskull was also aster on her shoulder being petty and annoyed by what happened to him

You know what we learned today? That our ideas of what is fuckable is entirely different, and I may need to consider raising my standards one day. Not today, but one day.

“And The Spector. Which is different from a ghost because it’s.. purple 🙂”

The change in part 2 about dragons being fine even if they don't shapeshift is such a vibe

I think the one you lost is the Aboleth, whose absense I noted only because it's the best monster ever.

22:00 "Hands are a necessary component for the top category" I beg to differ, and so would InCase in what I believe is chapter 10 of Alfie, Aka, Voroni night. Also, snake with wings would have MAD cuddles I wouldn't pass up.

I'm surprised at how many undead you let through, because that just can't be sanitary -- but of them all, you consistently skipped all the undead that happened to be high level wizards. They can shapeshift, control matter, make magic items, and do all kinds of things to your senses -- if undeath and touch attacks aren't a hard no, what's wrong with a (demi/draco)lich? Maybe you can be the living caretaker/heir of their scary tower or whatever, if you put a ring on them. Also, one thing I love about the older DnD monster manuals, is that they include an entire section just for ecology stuff and what kinds of interesting stuff wizards could make out of the monster's bits. Sometimes you need to know that they nest in pairs with 2d4 nestlings, or that fairy dragons love apple pie, or that the mucous can be refined into potions of water breathing. I'm also a little surprised that you decided "we can use magic to talk", but didn't go for rings of fire protection. There's plenty of creatures that successfully crossbreed with fire elementals, so there's ways to survive it in reasonable health.

I love that we have this collective hatred for Onis just because of one character from one Podcast. Justice for Mollymauk, long may he reign.

The energy this entire video was immaculate 10/10 This and the Ice Age video had me laughing the entire time, love the energy, love the vibes (and love the podcast)

Couatl has Change Shape, so I don’t think the snake thing would be a problem. I would’ve married him.

The unicorn kids are celestial patron warlocks, and spells are their allowance.

"Sometimes the Nutty Butty box gives you a break"

The Chimera, Rakshasa, and Mindflayer was the easiest- BG3 already decided one for me

imagine someday in the future this is the only remaining record of the DnD monsters

A year later, I wonder just how many of us have snogged or snagged a mind flayer.

“I’m sure I had a good reason at the time” for the only decision you didn’t explain at all 😂

Bed, wed, behead

I have watched this video several times and on none of those occasions have I played along. I just really love listening to you talk.

I’m about halfway through the video now but the way you just lost your mind by the time you got to the crawling claw had me in stitches 😂😂😂

When I need some tavern stories for my players to overhear I will come back here. Honestly, I am very into the Beauty and the Beast style romance with the nothic. Or a story about a knight who embraced a will-o-wisp, sounds bittersweet, I like it.

Truly life changing content. The absolute pinnacle of (fmk) listings! Bravo all the way around

The Nothic section was literally "I can fix him" LMAO

we just fought a Vrock (@30:55)! They drip spores! Smash!

the crawling claw could also give the family owlbear some really good head scritches, which is important

Animal friendship fails on creatures with an inteligence of 4 or more so I would argue thats the minimum line to draw forthe "of humab or greater inteligence" part of the Harkness test

50:55 Fun fact. Despite a 20 INT Demilich stat block has no languages. So they fail the Harkness test

This. This right here is my comfort human

I truly lost it at the intellect devourer reveal

Huge BDG vibes and I love it

This is my new favorite KZfaq video ever

Amazing job Haley, going on the list of favorite long ass videos

What a wild ride! FMKs should be a new self reflection tool

Thank you for this valuable content.

At some point I started thinking of of this you randomly collecting a harem, and honestly I feel like you acquired a pretty good harem

Your videos are such a delight. Never change. ❤

I love your vibe and I love that you clearly play/or enjoy the concept of dnd!

tbh i would marry a bugbear purely because of one captain kp hob from dimension 20

The amount of effort and time spent on this video, all for regrets of 66% of the choices. I love it. Great content

Absolutely perfect and incredible video as always Haley, please keep up the good work!! (but also please turn up your volume going forward, this video is very quiet compared to most others on youtube)

this is genuinely my favorite video to ever exist on the internet

Hey the cyclops in castle crashers is LOYAL to his boyfriend and that is the kind of commitment you deserve.

Omg i love this idea and I have not even seen the video till the end

I've watched part of this, now I must sleep, will finish in the morning

“The guy too angry to become a regular ghost is going to the pit” Damn, so strong you’re just going to kill something that’s already dead. Also, Suc/Incubus are literally made for the F in FMK and are the perfect option.

This is amazingly entertaining lol

This video is fantastic and I'm sad I hadn't found it sooner. love all the different ways to say fmk

the spectator and the beholder are pretty chill. they just wanna watch as you get your freak on with one of the others up there.

i have never in my life heard so many synonyms. love it

I'm 3 minutes in and I'm just gonna keep watching this video to see how many different ways she can say FMK without saying FMK. Best so far imo is " rail, ring, rid" Edit: she said it like immediately after the rules 😂

The Day 2 energy is perfect!

I was so confused why the heart had a ball-gag but that’s a ring 😭😳😅

Watching this while cleaning but when I rewatch I'll play the home game

I don’t think the death slaad can involve you in the horrible slaad reproductive cycle. I think that’s only red, blue, and _maybe_ green. Been a while since I looked at them though. Why’d you kill the coatl, they’re endangered :( also they can shapeshift so they can have hands! “There is an entire D&D adventure about why you shouldn’t wanna marry a vampire, but like… what if I could change him?” I’ve played through that module multiple times and have learned absolutely nothing. Their fault for making Strahd hot tbh

My experience with a couatl in an actual game is when my dragonborn swashbuckler stole one of their eggs and then hatched it and raised the couatl as her oldest child. Also, I'm sure if you show the hag a good time, then she'll only give you a mild curse, like a magical sti.

I'd so funny to see a video marry, makeout, murder but its for every npc on critcal role

Honestly I so *strongly* agree with your stance on FMK vs. Smash or Pass.

The rakshaka backwards hands are, at least to my understanding, a left/right flip

Despite the metric ass-load of incorrect info, I absolutely love this video. It's so beautiful

I watched this entire thing, and I don't know why.

The Harkness test would have been a problem for Neelix from ST Voyager LOL. And yes the kobold would make a great provider, they are very organized creatures

Haley’s voice reminds me of the animated Anastasia it’s so comforting

love watching this in the era after bg3 i know the mindflayer ranking would be different!!!

THE RED DRAGON CAN POLYMORPH INTO A PERSON why the literal demon afdsjbahbdbwkdjb

Icon, absolute Icon. Volo's next?

This is my first time seeing one of your videos. One of my friends brought up another one of your videos in a group chat then DM-ed me this one and said "This one doesn't belong in the group chat, but I really think you'd appreciate it. Lets prove them right!