Your Date Is There to Get to Know You, NOT to Meet Your Needs
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Years of therapy may have convinced you that the people in your life are there to "meet your needs" -- even people you just met who are on a date with you. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has pent more than half her life in therapy, and now struggles with dating, where instead of getting to know someone new, she is revealing past trauma and expecting to be supported emotionally.
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@Brenaenae Жыл бұрын
We don’t just do it in dating, we do it everywhere
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
So true
@WeRNthisToGetHer Жыл бұрын
This 🙌
@sueb6662 Жыл бұрын
Wow this was eye opening and yes you're right we do it everywhere where it's not appropriate 👏
@klarasummerfield7825 Жыл бұрын
I'd agree 👍
@Deelitee Жыл бұрын
💥💥💥💥
@LavenderHazelwood Жыл бұрын
Something I picked up along the way, that I didn't understand at first for a long time, is that someone you're dating or even in a relationship with doesn't have your best interest in mind. They have their best interest in mind. Once I understood this, it hurt to learn it, but also empowered me to start looking out for my needs and having more of the right guards in place.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
@smileyface702 Жыл бұрын
No one can "save" you. Not a romantic relationship/situationship, friend, nor even a therapist! I'm all about Anna's message of personal responsibility. Like the KZfaqr Thais Gibson says, it's about filling your own bucket up halfway and then you're not totally devastated and empty if someone else can't do it.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
@kikki2012 Жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 Perhaps someone erratic reported you and YT took it away automatically? Just a theoretical possibility. Please keep posting!
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
Its a huge roadblock in my healing now. Why should I clean up a mess someone else made? THEY were supposed to love me. THEY were. Its just idk too much to handle
@INTPinnerWorld Жыл бұрын
I listen to Thais Gibson too. Both her and the Crappy Childhood Fairy are teaching me a lot. And I resonate to this video a lot and now see what is happening in my situation. I need to stop crapfitting and trying to fix something that was actually never anything. I wish I didn't show so much vulnerability when he encouraged it because he was the first person I was ever vulnerable with and I guess I thought that it was him caring about me and wanting something more. But that was not actually happening. I was too much and wanted too much too fast. Damn childhood trauma! I need to recondition my attachment style and heal my trauma wounds before I get myself into another situation like that. I'm 35 and need to heal so I can be a better example for my daughter and maybe one day find someone so I am not always alone.
@mar_tina Жыл бұрын
"We march like zombies into the very thing we said we were going to stop doing" Amen My life in a nutshell 🙄
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
Almost makes me not want to do anything for fear that I'm doing that very thing I want to stop doing!
@mar_tina Жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 ♥
@publicserviceannouncement4777 Жыл бұрын
My problem is that I have spent so much time in survival mode that I don't really know who I am. It's like the trauma defines me. I also don't know what things I should share vs. what I should keep quiet or discuss with someone safe. In some ways I feel like it's better to distance myself from people. I'm toxic without even knowing it and if I don't know what I'm doing to push people away I can't change it.
@stillpril8942 Жыл бұрын
Same
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
Yes, not knowing yourself and not trusting yourself makes life virtually impossible.
@mintyhippo8125 Жыл бұрын
Yeah, it’s tricky. Before I had counseling, I would vent to any and everybody because I though no one cared/was listening anyway so it didn’t matter who it was lol I didn’t have the capacity for rapport that is needed for friendship then lol My counselor pointed out how I view everything through a negative lens and just gave me perspective that the people around me would never call me out on. (Also, Patrick Teahan has a video about getting out of survival mode and that has really helped me recently)
@aj32384 Жыл бұрын
Exactly! I'm also afraid that I'm toxic and don't know it, so I keep my distance. I think a therapist could help you figure out what is and isn't toxic, how not be a potential source of toxicity (if you are), and how to be confident that what you're sharing is appropriate. Good luck to you
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
@MsBettyRubble Жыл бұрын
I went on a 1st date yrs ago. Two hours later, he had told me about every issue he had with his mother, his nephew, his grandmother, and his son. I nodded sympathetically and gave him insights since he clearly needed release more than a date. He was thrilled by the end of the date exclaiming that he felt that I really understood him. He felt heard. I did hear him. It all sounded familiar and was too much baggage to add to mine own. We didn't see each other again. I don't share personal stuff especially anything painful with strangers in person (social media is the exception). I also avoid those who over share because they are potentially triggering. I'll be polite, but my sanity is more important than having everyone I meet be my friend. I think Miranda is on the right track. She's reaching out to Anna who can help. Random ppl are rarely able to. Dumping on others is a short term release. But it doesn't usually lead to a good place. My best wishes for Miranda.
@AthenaIsabella Жыл бұрын
I just set a sexual boundary with my current crush and was honest that it will be unhealthy and will make me want them to meet my ALL needs. It was really healing and freeing and now there is radical honesty. I don’t want a fixer, I’m fixing myself!
@smileyface702 Жыл бұрын
This is so inspiring! I see myself in you and hope that I can maybe do this one day. In the meantime, I don't even let myself get anywhere near romantic intimacy.
@AthenaIsabella Жыл бұрын
@@smileyface702 I don’t blame you at all!! I took time alone healing to even start again. There’s no rush 💛
@seymorepencilart Жыл бұрын
Wonderful! Check out the books, “The Disease to Please,” and “Men, Women and Worthiness.”
@mediabreakdown8963 5 ай бұрын
Not doing this is the HUGE mistake I made with my recent relationship. Granted, it was online-at first-but we immediately jumped to a lot of sexual exchanges. And please understand, I have never done that before. 😳 That made too strong of a bond way too fast before we REALLY knew each other. And we started trying to save each other; we really did. And it crashed and burned hard.
@siberiangirl1941 Жыл бұрын
As a hairdresser I hear everything, all the time. I think it’s natural for people to open up in an intimate setting. But it’s far better to tell me everything than to dump on your date. ❤
@xw7239 11 ай бұрын
Thank you for all you do 🙏🏼
@dominiquejones7260 Жыл бұрын
My psychologist called it bleeding on other people or hemorrhaging. Instead of dealing with our trauma, we carry it and let it define us. Let me get back to the daily practice...
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Right on! -Cara@TeamFairy
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
She's lucky someone took her to therapy at 12. I got told "there's nothing wrong", "shut up", "move on with life". Very damaging words.
@aj32384 Жыл бұрын
I got a lot of this. One that stuck with me was when I was told to just act happy. My mother told me that as we were discussing an upcoming trip to Lebanon where she grew up. I was depressed at the time and she had a reputation to uphold... if I was a downer then people might think she's a downer and my mom is the queen of social butterflies. Or maybe she didn't want me to be judged by closed-minded people. Either way, messages like that tie you up in knots... You don't know how to act.
@vivianwalters7777 Жыл бұрын
I'm so glad you covered this. I don't have the same sorts of problems the person writing in has, but that desire to use new relationships or friendships as bootleg therapy has totally ruined dating opportunities and friendships. These videos where you break down this sort of behavior, and give people solid advice for stopping this behavior, have been so helpful! A lot more helpful than therapy or meds have ever been.
@AthenaIsabella Жыл бұрын
Seriously her messages are more helpful than many therapist experiences I’ve had. It’s always right in the nose!!
@lizwes7438 Жыл бұрын
Honestly I'm with you on this one. This channel has helped me better self reflect on the areas in my relationships that I could do better in. It's feels like a weight has been lifted when all the different puzzle pieces start to click. I wish you well in future relationships and have no doubt you can turn your life around! May God bless you 💜
@Heyu7her3 Жыл бұрын
A therapist and a life coach (which I'm assuming CCF is) are different and I think people who continue to struggle with whatever they've experienced/ are experiencing should have both! (plus meds/ whatever is needed for chemical regulation)
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
So glad you enjoyed! Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
@aj32384 Жыл бұрын
I understand this girl. I'm a 38 year old gay man... I didn't get to date in my teens years, I stayed closeted during college. Coming out afterwards was traumatic too, so I avoided dating. I also didn't have trusted people in my life who could teach me about dating. Anyway, the common thread here is that we didn't have people to teach us how to go on a date, what to talk about, when to talk about those things, what the timeline is like. It tears me apart that I still don't know these things... I feel stunted. Please, like CCF suggested, find female friends who can teach you these things. You have a lot of years ahead of you... lots of time to be in relationships... Good and bad. Learn the necessary skills so that those relationships are good ones.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@lizvtaz6 Жыл бұрын
Hey, man. A 29 year old lesbian woman here. Just meet with a guy and act as if you are trying to find a new friend. Talk casually about your life and interests, tell a couple stories that happened in your workplace (only tell a story if it is a positive one). If they are the type who talks a lot, just listen to them. If they talk a lot it's easier to decide whether or not they are right for you based on what they are saying. Sex on a first and a second date - no. Kissing is ok. If sex is a big deal for you do not have sex with this person for 1 month. Tell them you don't want to do it too soon because it's a big deal to you. If he tries to push you into having sex - you 2 are not right for each other. Make sure you do not go for a badboy type.
@cherrytree7481 Жыл бұрын
I relate to this a lot. I’m a 25 year old lesbian and I’ve never been in a relationship and now that I’m starting to date it’s so difficult because I have no clue how to act, what to do, what’s normal, etc. I couldn’t date as a teenager because of my trauma creating issues that made it difficult to even make friends. I’ve isolated for a long time. And now trying to date at my age for the first time is so weird, people my age have experience and I feel so behind. I feel like a kid and I feel embarrassed. And finding other women to date is hard enough, now adding trauma and everything else makes it feel so… impossible. I hope it’s not too late, I hope I can one day find real love despite my issues and having had a not normal life.
@janeydoe1403 Жыл бұрын
Since separating four years ago the only men who have approached me are either married or age inappropriate. I'm not on any social media/dating sites so my encounters are organic. I've learned so much in four years. I didn't even know what a boundary was when I separated but I am a boundary boss today and real clear about what I want: unattached, age appropriate, emotionally available, and digs me (respectful, honest, kind, decent, supportive, and spontaneous). Married men won't (can't) call you on a whim and tell you to put [that] dress on because he has made a reservation for "us" at that swanky (PUBLIC) restaurant. Age inappropriate men don't want to be seen riding a "moped". (And I don't want to be seen dating someone I was even too old to be babysitting when he was being babysat!)
@narcsurvivors2445 Жыл бұрын
I'm guilty of this one too , oversharing, within the first half hour I've spilled my life story 😆
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
People tell me to "just live life!". I have no idea what that means, or where to begin.
@Rissy617 Жыл бұрын
I really appreciate how you empathetically hold us accountable! So important to actually and truly heal trauma (vs only being positive, validating, etc)
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@suzy1750 Жыл бұрын
I went out with a guy once and on the first date, after we'd been talking about some pretty innocuous stuff (pets I think), he began telling me about all this abuse that he'd suffered in childhood. I won't go into the details, but it was pretty bad. I was actually quite upset and shocked by what he told me and felt, in a weird way, violated. I felt resentful at having all this horrible stuff dumped (at least that is what it felt like at the time) on me when I was completely unprepared for it and there had been no buildup to that kind of disclosure...it really did feel like he was looking for an unpaid therapist rather than a partner and, as someone who struggles to overcome her own stuff, I just do not have the capacity (or desire) to take that on...
@suzy1750 Жыл бұрын
@@transitionsnc Yes, that would have been a good way to handle it. I probably would do something like that now. But at the time - and this happened many years ago - I didn't have the awareness to do so. I went into a state of what I recognize now to be disregulation, feeling both frozen and unable to leave (because I thought it would be 'selfish' to do so when he was clearly suffering) and panicked because of the distress of imagining what he was telling me. It was not a pleasant experience. I am grateful that at least now I have the tools (and self regard) to quickly extricate myself from a situation like that if it were ever to happen again.
@LavenderHazelwood Жыл бұрын
Yup. I've been in this position many times with platonic relationships.
@painismyfavoritecolor8927 Жыл бұрын
The reason why people do this, I've noticed, is usually because they're triggered by the date (or conversational partner's) behavior or judgement. I've noticed that people generally "trauma dump" on me when I've made it clear through my actions that I'm judging them (even if unintentionally). What they're really saying is "I've noticed there's a problem/awkward energy between us and I'm not sure how to resolve it superficially, so maybe if I go deep it'll be solved." Hope that helps. I honestly think this has less to do with "trauma dumping" being a problem and more with the fact that if two people are not vibing well, anything can be scapegoated as the cause of a rift between them. For example, in different relationships I was in we did what could be seen as trauma dumping to others, but since we enjoyed each others' company it was very meaningful and fun for us because psychology was our shared interest. It's kind of like how a very nerdy conversation about a scientist's favorite subject will be annoying to most, but a true bonding moment for another scientist.
@seabreeze4559 Жыл бұрын
lotta guys who hate women do that expect you to fix them some lie to keep you around so you try to fix them or prove yourself "different"
@seabreeze4559 Жыл бұрын
@@transitionsnc "i'm not your therapist this is supposed to be a date" makes them angry but better know early
@Abe-rz1nm Жыл бұрын
I had that "Are you My Mother?" book! I read it countless times, because I really related to that little bird :D
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
For me, I'm at a carnival. And I'm small. So small that no one notices that Ive lost my parents. And everyone is walking away from me. I look, and I look, trying to find my parents. They could be anyone, anywhere. I don't know what they look like because Ive always been looking for my parents
@christineherrmann205 Жыл бұрын
I met a guy with two kids who talked about his divorce and kids, but when - on the second date - I talked about _my_ divorce, I clearly said too much. I was light-hearted about it, and felt it was important to be honest, but most healthy people don't share all their foibles and trauma in the first couple weeks. Lesson learned.
@christineherrmann205 Жыл бұрын
@@tati9867 it absolutely could be also a function of gender norms. And comfort level with personal details. I knew when this particular man didn't ask me out again - after being the one who asked for a second date - that I'd thrown some sort of red drama flag for him. But it's probably for the best; he moved to DC not long after
@maimee1 Жыл бұрын
@@tati9867 I think it's probably double standard, but I'm not so sure about the gender part. He could also be aiming not for someone similar but "higher" in that they don't have problems like him as well, who knows. There are many possible causes why someone could be a walking red flag, and still run away when they detect another, no matter how serious.
@ericafraser506 Жыл бұрын
It may not be a gendered thing. He was probably looking for someone that would support him and make the relationship about his issues. If he just broke up with someone and felt depressed he likely wasn’t in the position to be a good partner to you. So when you started sharing, he backed out because he wasn’t truly trying to be a source of support for someone else. Sharing made you a human with needs. Which isn’t a problem, but to him it probably was.
@christineherrmann205 Жыл бұрын
@@ericafraser506 nah, he'd been divorced for awhile. I think he wanted someone who was on good terms with their ex, tho, like he claimed to be. I was not that person.
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
To be fair, if it didn't lead to any negative consequences, I don't see a problem. There are no hard and fast rules
@90HardyA Жыл бұрын
I can relate with Miranda and I’ve learned it to many times the hard way …. Take things slow !! I mean really slow !!! And if he doesn’t stick around because your going to slow than he isn’t the one !!!
@slaveofgod7921 Жыл бұрын
my mom did this, when I was child ,she just vented and treated me like her therapist as child... still does as an adult. Thats all relationship is sadly, her just venting and unloading on me.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Ouch, hopefully you are learning some skills to deflect that burden. -Cara@TeamFairy
@fitnessdestiny Жыл бұрын
A lot of people are struggling through narcissistic injury from childhood. Narcissistic injury also allows for narcissistic tendencies. I think it creates a lot of entitled victimization and that is a very dangerous road of toxic codependence. A persons own unresolved unconscious wounds become their conscious will, and it can distort their ability to respect other people’s wounds.
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
Wow, just reading the title was incredibly triggering. I know its true, but Ive never actually heard it put this way. Kinda want to go cry somewhere. I'm a happily married man. My wife doesn't "complete me," nor does she exist to to give me everything I need. I'd like to think we have a healthy relationship. But that inner child in me, he hates it. He wants his needs met and it has to be a woman. Its rough
@mintyhippo8125 Жыл бұрын
As I’ve practiced, I’ve gotten pretty good at parenting my inner child. Just being empathetic and making room for my triggered emotions/talking myself down. It really disappointed me that I had to do that for myself because other people wouldn’t, but I’m glad I can at least do it lol Since you are capable of love, you are capable of showing yourself love and empathy. It’s wild.
@seymorepencilart Жыл бұрын
Check out the books, “The Disease to Please.” And if nothing else, “Men Women and Worthiness.”
@TheRocketman136 3 ай бұрын
Because it's not true. It's what we're taught. But even being traumatized in the first place is what would not happen if it wasn't always about selves. Your human inside is still alive and battling a zombie. Tough when zombies all around convice us it's how it should be.
@medusapr2011 Жыл бұрын
I had been texting with someone who was introduced thru a mutual friend. She wasn’t available to meet in person - 100% time was devoted to work and accompanying a dying sibling. I could tell she is a wonderful person, but I felt a pull to carry her grief and be in a position of “waiting”. I didn’t want to create a partnership-oriented bond to a person I couldn’t meet and kindly withdrew because I felt if we did ultimately connect emotionally out of sporadic moments of loneliness, the bond would have a sad beginning with me in a nursing, but also neglected, position. I thought that wasnt the way to cast the gaze towards a future together. I wish her love and healing. 🙏🏼
@ProdavackaDivu Жыл бұрын
“men will say what they need to keep you happy and willing to enter into a sexual relationship quickly and easily”… yeah that magical thinking helps us believe it’s love at first sight on both sides 😒😩
@the_dark_forest Жыл бұрын
A fling lasts a few months 3-6 ish. Give or take... Sure they can be a year or two. A relationship is a much longer and definitely takes time to build. Seems that parents have not taught kids (that are now adults) what it takes to build a relationship, what flings are, what few weeks of lust & limerence entails, and that it's NOT even close to love. I'm surprised how many young people have no idea, not the slightest clue about relationships. Granted, many have dismissed their parents teachings, and standards, but there's a starting point for misunderstanding and years or decades of harm and abuse. There's a whole history which most young people (myself included) dismiss or have a huge amount of disdain for. There's a reason the Victorian era had an enormous array of social rules and etiquette. With an open mind, and all the recent past retained, it wouldn't hurt to at least read through or listen to what thousands of years of human interaction came up with as a means to cope with growing populations and evolving societies. Just a thought...
@ioanaanaoi8232 Жыл бұрын
School is very important. Any effort to not let other problems disrupt school is worthwhile! Younger guys are attracted to mystery, not to life experience and trauma attached.
@zamyrabyrd Жыл бұрын
I really question 13 years of "therapy" where tools for living seem to have been absent. When therapy is a one way talking out, it can become repetitive but more often digging a rut where one goes around like a rat in a cage. Why should "therapists" though, cut off a nice chunk of income for themselves, rather drag it out as long as they can? This is one area of business where expenditure and results are nearly impossible to estimate, no standards where accountability can be measured.
@annahappen7036 Жыл бұрын
Sounds like this woman had a terrible therapist. Or perhaps one that just wasn't a good fit. I feel like people start therapy and don't realize it's a relationship & just like other types of relationships we need a good compatible match in order to maximize the efforts of therapy.
@millerrepin4452 4 ай бұрын
NVC frames this the best. You can ask your SO for your needs to be met so as long as they feel open to say no. Instead of letting pain or hurt distract, you. Understand that they can't accept your request because it doesn't meet their needs. NVC is a dynamic dialog that allows both parties to be reassured that they are understood. (Sometimes you don't find a resolution to have your need met by them or vice versa, and that's okay)
@heatherv3515 Жыл бұрын
i really relate to the sense of feeling totally avoidant but at the same time wanting to fling yourself at people. I feel like I'm avoidant BECAUSE I will get way too anxiously attached. I'm in my mid 30s. At a certain point in my mid 20s I recognized that relationships I was getting in were not healthy, I kept finding myself with partners that were emotionally abusive and I didn't seem capable of being attracted to anyone who wasn't. So I decided I wouldn't date anyone until I could deal with that and trust who I wanted to be with - and that was 8 years ago. During that time I did collectively 5 years of therapy for trauma that started in childhood, realized I was gay, and slowly learned how to recognize good people to be friends with and cultivate healthy relationships with friends. I've definitely wanted to have a romantic relationship, but it's become almost impossible for me to go there - in some ways it's like I'm scared that deep down there's the tendencies like the person who wrote this letter waiting to emerge again. But also I think that because mostly my only experience with relationships was abusive, when I withdrew from trying to find that my aloneness became the one place I was safe from abuse. And it's very scary to give it up, even though I long for romantic love I'm really terrified of not being alone. In so many resources about attachment and trauma I don't really see myself because I find it impossible to pursue anyone for a relationship... but I really want to at the same time.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
You're doing so much work, it's wonderful! -Cara@TeamFairy
@designchik Жыл бұрын
As an over-sharer, I can relate. I’m so comfortable talking about my traumatic childhood and alcoholic parent that I have said things, even to strangers, and was surprised when they were shocked. I’m more cautious and circumspect now, but in all honestly, I’d rather put it out there. If someone can’t handle my past, I don’t need them in my life.
@aj32384 Жыл бұрын
The kinda person that would be comfortable with you trauma dumping isn't going to bring out the best in you and make for the healthiest of partnerships. I say this because it's not normal for people to be unfazed by others' traumas. They're generally nice enough to show sympathy, and not make your feel bad for sharing, but they probably feel pretty uncomfortable as well. Anyway, wanting to hear more about your trauma and sharing their own trauma is a pretty good litmus test for someone with issues who needs to work on themselves.
@andreal.1666 Жыл бұрын
Your last sentence - also my experience and opinion. In a beginning relationship there should be room, time and enough confidence to share difficult and vulnerable experiences in both lives before! So an emotional intimate relationship can develop!
@andreal.1666 Жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 Thank you for your specification! No „Trauma dumping“ in the first time of Dating! I agree totaly with your thoughts. But you can only build up an solid emotional intimate relationship when both sides open up for each other (… all inclusive: past relationships, childhood, wounds, …).
@designchik Жыл бұрын
All of your comments are insightful, and I don’t disagree.
@maimee1 Жыл бұрын
@@aj32384 Had experience with that one. Definitely a major red flag if they're really really curious about your (possible) trauma. I don't think people need to be uncomfortable when you share things that are traumatic though. Most "normal" people don't care; some people with issues can't wait to get away or react in some overly ways; a real friend listens, empathize, helps, and possibly get mad for you, but no they don't desire to hear it from you. In hearing trauma the best response you could get is one that is empathizing and such, but the desire to hear it is close to 0, not -1, and +1 I think.
@theshunnedBandersnatch Жыл бұрын
_Are You My Mother?_ used to make me cry every time I read it too. I felt so sad that that poor bird was all lost and alone 😥
@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын
Hobbies can help and be a form of therapy in a way..The model cars I build and collect as well as the die cast toy cars I collect help a lot ..
@veroniqueroux6339 5 ай бұрын
I'm very lucky to have found your videos, it's such a relief to listen to you. Thank you to teach us so many things that help to liberate the beautiful people we are.
@yearight1205 Жыл бұрын
I think the biggest mistake we tell our children is that there is someone for everyone. That's simply not true. Most people today aren't viable, and are as a result most likely going to die without a partner. That goes for both men and women. Most people aren't prepared for that reality, so as they get older they get angrier because that's NOT what anyone told them was "supposed to happen." In our modern time, everyone wants the Disney fantasy, not realizing that it's a rarity. Marriage is staying with someone who you aren't always madly in love with. It's a choice, it's not a "I am only here until I no longer feel anything for you." The older generation understood that, hence why they stayed together. Everyone today is chasing after the chemical rush of the excitement of the "new relationship feels." Never realizing that those are nothing more than chemicals that are NOT going to be there forever. It's like saying "I'm going to smoke pot one time, and I expect to be high for the rest of my life from that one time." It's chemical, and no one teaches anyone that.
@PurpleMetal75 Жыл бұрын
This is one of the more difficult lessons I've had to learn. My first crush died in a car accident when I was 13, and it's tempting for me to look for a romantic relationship in the hope that maybe there's someone out there who can provide "the answers." This was a difficult video to listen to, but it was needed. Thanks again!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing, sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
@PurpleMetal75 Жыл бұрын
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks! I feel like I'll never find someone (or at least, someone who is a good pick), but all I can do is pick myself up.
@anjelinededios Жыл бұрын
So many gems in this video. Thank you for being SO direct, compassionate, and truthful. You're a balm.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Wow, thank you! -Cara@TeamFairy
@carolynm8540 Жыл бұрын
I think this was the most helpful crappy childhood fairy video yet! I recently ended a "situation ship" with someone because I was not willing to accept less than I was looking for. We both wanted different things and I accepted that for 3 months. I still feel sad about it and am having a hard time letting it go but this video showed me I was looking at it the wrong way. Thank you.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
So glad the video was helpful! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@sableminer8133 Жыл бұрын
Wow such a good discussion and I just found this channel yesterday! I've listened to Sam Vaknin and other narcissist sights because I fell into a very long 7 year sick relationship. I've been in therapy for two years and she helps to talk to. But you have a very no nonsense take on things. I luv how you go through the letters and explain each aspect. Touches on so much I've learned these past 5 years! I'm almost 60 so I feel like I may have to embrace the fact that my love life may be over, as I find older peeps unappealing. Is that normal?
@lorenasandoval5232 Жыл бұрын
I was sexually abuse since ages 6 to 13, raped, prostitution and have had 3 toxic relationships. I am 28 and I've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. He wants to know what he can do or how should he act when I am having my anxiety attack, self hate, I think I have bpd. Been in therapy for 4 yrs but recently changed due to the lack of actual work on my trauma. My new therapist is giving me activities, I feel better. I know my bf isn't my therapist but whenever I remember something or feel like I want to die, when I'm sad, he knows. He has mentioned he is not a punching bang and I don't want to tire him. I don't know what where should I out the boundaries. I'm sorry English isn't my first language. I am from Mexico and my bf is from Germany he is coming on November 5.
@lorenasandoval5232 Жыл бұрын
@@ProdavackaDivu I can see why :(
@SailorGreenTea Жыл бұрын
1:13, the reading and the sound of circling is everything right now.
@lindawaxman570 Жыл бұрын
Your details are well received. Balanced and logical. Takes the pressure off of expectations along with overthinking. Etc.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
@MyMonkeyMind7 Жыл бұрын
I can't find the words right now to describe just how helpful this video is for me. Gold!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
@teknophyle1 Жыл бұрын
Thanks for the tough love Anna. most of that resonates with me. and judging by the posts in singles groups for my area it resonates with too many people in my area and maybe western society in general
@stillpril8942 Жыл бұрын
I bought that book when my daughter was a baby. I had never read it. I cried all the way through and didn't know why.
@mariajmc6557 Жыл бұрын
Yes when you give free it's to be used no guilt... Bless all those who provided their time and wisdom 😊🙌🙌🙌
@allisona9490 Жыл бұрын
This was really, really good!!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
@lovingbeing4294 Жыл бұрын
Loved this analysis, as always you are brilliant Anna 💙
@oldtimesong Жыл бұрын
What an insightful video! Thank you so much.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you enjoyed it! -Calista@TeamFairy
@estereism Жыл бұрын
Such a good video, I'm learning a lot from it 👍 Wishing success to the girl! 🧡
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks so much! -Cara@TeamFairy
@patriciastewart2537 Жыл бұрын
Oh! Good information! I am NOT ready to date, then. For SURE
@burcunious Жыл бұрын
This video is an answer to so many questions! Thank you Fairy❤🌈
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for watching! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@if7363 Жыл бұрын
Same applies the other way around as well. Had met unfortunately someone who imagined they are know-it-all without even trying to get to know another at the same time reading lectures upon lectures. Claiming to be the perfect match maker while all the stories about their own relationships and views of others was having no clue at all. Having lived and experienced only turmoil, no harmony. Which I guess stemmed from being in total denial and not being able to accept self in first place. Once you can't accept yourself, your flaws you can not accept and see the beauty of others of who they truly are.
@Deelitee Жыл бұрын
Damn…. This cuts. And it’s a healing cut!! THANK YOU! ⚔️❤️🩹 🛡️
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
@painismyfavoritecolor8927 Жыл бұрын
I just wanted to say to those who are watching this video: it depends on the person! Many people don't like being "trauma dumped" on, in which case it they really need to make this clear and resolve their own issues about setting boundaries. However, if you're just an unusually intense individual with deep emotional needs, it can be very cathartic and enjoyable to "trauma dump" together with people who share these personality traits, even if it's just after meeting them. Please don't feel the need to change these traits for the sake of fitting in with people who aren't into them. Trauma dumping has such a negative connotation in this day and age; other phrases for it throughout history have been truth-telling, change-making, emotional intensity, and artistry.
@johnjohnstone9805 Жыл бұрын
Appreciate The Nod To Personal Responsibility. Seems Others Complaining About Other People Might Be A Trigger For Me. As I Find It Difficult To Read The Comment Sections On These And Others Pages. Non Stop Wincing. Even Though I'm Guilty Of This Behavior As Well.
@marygolden6192 Жыл бұрын
How I wish I had your teaching on how to proceed with dating when I was still dating. I was told "you should value your self more" but had no concept of how to do that.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy
@Fstop313 Жыл бұрын
Haha Yes! 😅 sometimes we forget, but its good to be reminded and get back on track.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Absolutely! -Calista@TeamFairy
@7HPDH Жыл бұрын
“brings them out of the woodwork” 😂
@greenhornedrhino3046 Жыл бұрын
Love you guys
@greenhornedrhino3046 Жыл бұрын
So real
@Fiveandime Жыл бұрын
Ugh … this is spot on.
@trudibarraclough478 Жыл бұрын
I am dating for the first time in almost 20 yrs. Thanks to you I am much less 'prickly' with these men I meet. I am 65 now.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you're here! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@isaidshotgun 8 ай бұрын
Girl how's it going with dating?!
@judepamment1106 Жыл бұрын
I am forever grateful for finding u my CC Fairy 🧚♀️ love from Australia 💜🌻
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your kinds words, so glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
@JB4C89 Жыл бұрын
My date did this to me and he got blocked
@nelodypond9282 Жыл бұрын
Love your eyeglasses. Where are they from?
@user-do3qz7kt2m Ай бұрын
I loved lockdown ❤❤❤
@indian.patterns Жыл бұрын
Thankyou 🌻
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
C-PTSD has robbed me of all belief in myself. I cannot apply for jobs as I think/know I'll get rejected. I don't try to date because I'll get rejected and they'll think I'm weird and disgusting. Any advice?
@hyperchord Жыл бұрын
When did that thought of "I'm weird and disgusting" first appear in your head?
@Heyu7her3 Жыл бұрын
Are you currently unemployed, or are you currently in a job and want to seek another job? What types of jobs are you looking for? Are they jobs that would use your expertise, or are you looking at jobs that you are currently unqualified for?
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
@@Heyu7her3 I'm unemployed and I don't have any expertise. I have no idea where to start. C-PTSD leaves you not knowing yourself - what you like, what you're good at etc. I'm utterly stuck and lost.
@charlottetaylor4471 Жыл бұрын
@@hyperchord at a very young age.
@monicacampbell7291 Жыл бұрын
I’ve had the same problem trying to work a regular job. What helped me is doing food delivery, Amazon Flex, that kind of work. At first I was really nervous I’d screw it up but I watched a lot of KZfaq videos and that helped. At this point, I realize I’ll probably never have a regular job again but I’m able to meet my expenses and more.
@goodtimesbadtimes5273 Жыл бұрын
I kinda feel like people working on CPTSD should date each other, so that both can understand each other, I also feel like these type of relationships might work better as long they are attracted to each other.
@letsgooooooo111 3 ай бұрын
I have CPTSD but have been doing the healing work for many years. I accidentally ended up dating someone with CPTSD who hadn't done any of the work, it was a NIGHTMARE. I had never had a toxic relationship before and this last relationship has traumatized me badly. I'm now healing from it
@sparanormaali Жыл бұрын
I've had this happen quite a lot, it's probably my fault for not putting down boundaries but people would call me evil if I didn't want to listen how their cousin raped them or how they got molested as a child as soon as I met them.
@yawni__emptysullivan840 Жыл бұрын
"everybody's a cow and everybody's a farmer_ 🤣🤣🤣 OMG lolololol
@ted-dmusic3561 Жыл бұрын
I’m a music teacher and get my students asking me for advice all the time. It’s tuff. I really just try to tie in their energy I’m feeling into the mood of the music I’ll teach. For me I find it easier to use sounds over words. Maybe because I do t want to say the wrong thing or give advice that is coming from my own experiences
@jaimyjerchig5240 Жыл бұрын
You know what? It's extremely difficult to find men that actually want to get to know a girl...or just to hang out and have a good time. And I think what I am describing is societal! I mean at social events it seems like everyone is having relationships with their smart phone!
@jaimyjerchig5240 Жыл бұрын
And there is no therapy that will fix that problem!
@Twinkie989 Жыл бұрын
I feel like I can't connect with people because I look underneath the surface of what everyone says. I am not looking to date- and I don't do it in a codependent way. I'm going back to school to become a therapist. 🤷🏻♀️ Might as well make it work for me.
@aliciaknight425 10 ай бұрын
I know you give tough love lol it’s quite apparent in this video. I usually love your honesty and no holds delivery but I have to be honest this video makes me Terrified to ever write a letter, I am not ready for this
@CBTCFT Жыл бұрын
Which one is the daily practice mentioned?
@grinklar10 Жыл бұрын
Don’t use your partner as an emotional garbage can.
@karendelgado2331 Жыл бұрын
I signed up for the daily practice but I only have a cell phone so it’s too much and too small to read. Can you email it out? I want to know what it is and try it out. Thank you!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Please send a reply to the e-mail you received to us to make your request, and then my team can help.
@stephanieromano4886 Жыл бұрын
Can you do on on friends treating you like a therapist. I love everything about this beautiful woman! thank you for your help
@caralaatsch1478 Ай бұрын
Blocking and deleting
@cjolena Жыл бұрын
Boom!!!
@vanshikathakur Жыл бұрын
❤️
@SurferChick11 10 ай бұрын
Been Sexual Anorexic 20+ Yrs. I have Avoidant, Disorganised, Detached, & Insecure Attachments. 😢 I think i need to sign up for the Dating Course. Once my Impenetrable Walls come down...my Boundaries are still very vulnerable to being manipulated & take abuse + trauma bonds to be liked. 😢
@jacksondaniels9960 Жыл бұрын
As a cptsd person I can’t tell wether my friend is a good friend or not. Please can you do a video about what makes a good friend and what doesn’t . Cos sometimes bad friends can be disguised or seem like good friends. It’s all confusing
@filippersson5256 Жыл бұрын
Not a good look... 😶
@tucky3191 Жыл бұрын
Ooof. Is there any way to turn this dynamic around? Like should we apologize to the person?
@lindseymarie321 Жыл бұрын
I want to apologize to a coworker I over shared to in the office (before Covid ) but know that even bringing it up at this point is oversharing! So if I run into him again in office I won’t do it, but part of me wants him to know that I know I violated his boundaries and feel bad about it.
@tucky3191 Жыл бұрын
@@lindseymarie321 I don’t think bringing up an apology is oversharing, but I totally understand. Sometimes it’s just better to pack something up in a suitcase and just move on ❤️
@covert_warrior Жыл бұрын
Wow.... sounds like I wrote most of that
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
@mc-8022 Жыл бұрын
How do we submit a question or circumstance?
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
You can write to Anna at Hello@CrappyChildhoodFairy.com -Calista@TeamFairy
@ChristieRain Жыл бұрын
I very much disagree with waiting a year to introduce your kids to someone that you’re dating. I feel that you should have your date say hi to your kids after date two or three because you need to really assess how the person you’re dating is with kids. If you wait until you’re already emotionally invested, and then they don’t get along or they’re not kid people, you’re going to have a really big problem.
@seabreeze4559 Жыл бұрын
kids are a dealbreaker mention before 1st
@AA-yc9dq Жыл бұрын
ABSOLUTELY NOT.Easier to say while you’re in the honeymoon stage and think “this the one” and next thing you know you introduced a dozen men to your children before they graduate high school. I was that child and I also had to deal with a few of them living with us. I hated my life because all my mother focused on was her relationships and I was just a burdensome reminder of her failed marriage.
@AA-yc9dq Жыл бұрын
If you have kids and discover that they don’t get along with your new partner or they’re not a “kid person”then there’s is no problem. You dump them. You’re children come first.
@ChristieRain Жыл бұрын
@Christie Jensen I’m not saying that you have to introduce them as your “date”. But you should be able to introduce them to your kids as a friend. And you want to see how they interact with YOUR kids as individual people. Not with random kids.
@pumpyourselfup7683 Жыл бұрын
Wow I can relate so much with the writer. I've lost opportunities to get to know someone with my rushing tendencies except I'm Aware Now that I shouldn't be going around Claiming to be in love with people when it's purely sexual. I'm 26 this year and turning 27 First week of January. Now I understand more why I struggled with relationships. It was Mostly from My part. I don't spend Enough Time Getting to Know my Potential Partners and I sometimes ignore the signs that I probably should Back Off instead I pursue. I'm learning so much from your videos about Myself. There is Hope. I shouldn't be in a rush because that thing has once led me into an abusive relationship. I thought I should take at least 3 months before sleeping with the guy but I think you are right about waiting at least 12 months of purely getting to know that person. I stopped voicing out my expectations early on in relationships because of my previous engagement at age 22 which got toxic pretty quick but I was attached and tried to "Fix" him- I see now where I messed up. I walked away from my ex fiance at one point before things got worse, then he posted my picture on his profile picture and told me he loves me, so I took him Back. He took all those expectations we discussed earlier on in our relationship and used them against me. He lied and I see why, it was too soon for us to be sexual anyway. I should have took my time to get to know him first before things went too far.
@darrenarcher6173 Жыл бұрын
I made this mistake constantly!
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
@darrenarcher6173 Жыл бұрын
Thankyou 🙂
@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын
I'd say she needs to march herself back into therapy... Also try CODA and meds as well...
@lorraineamico42 Жыл бұрын
It’s not love it’s lust with the Big A ❤
@balancedplans3007 Жыл бұрын
You can still break through during a lockdown. The government can’t take away your dreams & goals.
@allapples Жыл бұрын
I just ended a friendship with a guy over this. I am not your psychologist, counselor, or therapist. People who tend to just wanna talk about about their problems are egocentric. That shit is draining!
@mare2723 Жыл бұрын
💔😪
@lorraineamico42 Жыл бұрын
I don’t sleep around can’t stand that but every so many years the guy I was 25 and he was 19 five years once a week just sex and we worked together can’t say where it’s when I got thrown out five years once a week talk five days a week on the phone for hours married the man of the streets before I started with him in that life no one is true I married the man and still continued once a week for five years straight use to talk to his mother I was the only girl allowed to talk to his mother Mr A mother liked me but I had to be the secret for the family not to know because the business both and the husband were in it wasent pure so every so many years I look for him but because of your video I’m starting to understand crumbs yep I’m lost Anna if you knew the complete story you will understand why I held A in my heart till now so hard to break away sometimes I could stay away for a long time he never put drugs on me at that time but trying to get more boundaries I chased this time then stopped then year later he started up most of the time I start up thanks Anna I try hard to stay away I’m not well right now they drs don’t know why to many things are wrong going to the dr Monday so can’t workout can’t work so can’t be busy so I don’t have to think about him like I did all almost fifty years lingering I pop up but I don’t do this with anyone else ever only the crumbs maybe I could only give crumbs so I only attract to his crumbs only not other people crumbs lol all my two twenty year husbands I gave half way they gave below that tired now I’m sick so now for sure can’t get involve with no one till these drs find what’s going on exausted the universe is protecting me I believe 😮❤thanks Anna @lorraineamicothemakeupartist
@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын
She may want to get tested for STDs too...
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