In it now...112 days and counting.

Yes I did. Can you do a video on marcissistic mothers and their avoidant sons and enmeshment. I don't see alot of material on this. Thanks

​@@loribridgesweiland3512I'm always curious...how and why do people keep track of how many days in no contact? I picture a calender on the wall and people waking up putting a big X thru it daily. I can barely pay my bills on time nevermind keep track of when a guy leaves my life. Lol Doesn't keeping such focus on them disturb your everyday flow?

​@@LeeChrissyif I may interject, I have a habit tracker app that helps me keep track of things and you can program it with tasks to be completed daily/ ticked off at the end of the day. "did not message dingus" could be programmed in to be completed for however many days...

@@Littleowl85352 did not message dingus has me rolling. LOL

I got told it wasn’t- in anyway shape or form “the silent treatment” that they were having a “trauma response” 😂 oh my bad I’m so sorry I misunderstood! It’s now stonewalling AND gaslighting! My bad.. continue 😂 🤷🏻‍♀️

👏👏👏Exactly this is my ex. I went no contact, 20 months in

​@user-cf6mb6ke2i omg, have you spoken to my ex recently!? 😂

@@krose318 the worst part is I have diagnosed CPTSD and along with it I have blackouts/DID/complete and utter breakdowns. But you know what’s the difference- I don’t blame it on it. So now we’re at stage 2 of gasliting lol trying to tell me you’re “unable to do anything about it” but apparently we also have the self awareness to label it… sorry what? 😂 people who have uncontrollable reactions due to trauma typically don’t weaponise it. Also- you’re ex and mine would make a magnificent movie to watch 😂 🍿

I’m so sick of trying to understand someone who is committed to being a jerk. Let them go. I honestly don’t think my ex realises what they lost. It’s sad because I can tell you there’s no one else out there who’s going to be as patient and loving as I was. You wanna throw that away because you’re scared? lol what a looser.

I think it's best to leave people as they are honestly. Any unhealed attachment has to do their own healing on their own time. We can't try and change anyone and we have every right to leave if it's not working for us.

totally agree. DA's can be blunt but every other attachment style has to be oh-so-careful when bringing things up with them because they're so sensitive to rejection. C'mon, man...

@@13sprintuser you don't have to do anything. Just break up and find someone you're more compatible with.

Lucky you, the very first person I dated was an avoidant. Imagine the mind fuck... but I didn't let it get to me though.

​@LeeChrissy spoken like a person who has never truly loved an Avoidant. If leaving the ones you love was so simple/easy/passive/laissez-faire, then we loose commitment, loyalty, fidelity, empathy and maybe even love. We fight for the things we love. If the other person doesn't reciprocate our love then yeah you eventually leave but not after some angst, soul searching, attempt to reconcile. If we all loose faith in the other (Avoidants) then we become a faithless society.

have you tried blocking the person?

@@dandanut5409 no he's been a good friend of mine since we were in our teens. We've been thru everything together. I'm close with his daughter and we share mutual friends. I'm not bothered enough to block him. I just don't understand why he bothers trying to see me in a romantic way. I told him I'm just looking for friendship. It will likely take one of us to start dating another for him to move past it.

​@@dandanut5409they're friends. I have a similar situation with my ex DA girlfriend. We've been good friends and lived in the same farm community for 15 years. I would never block her, but won't reach out when she self-isolates. Same behavior with my previous ex DA. They eventually message or just show up after centering themselves.

I agree! I’m in the same situation, he has come back multiple times and says he’s not looking for anyone else. He says he doesn’t want to be alone but he has to figure how to have a healthy relationship. I’m not going to do the work for him. I just wish him well and pray for him. And when he comes back, as he does every 6 weeks or so, I am friendly but don’t get attached or live on hopium!

​@@StephenPuddicombe1 thanks for sharing that and it's nice to see another healthy perspective. ❤ I'm not interested in ditching him. He's actually told me he feels safe and taken care of with me and I'm glad I can be that person for him. Admittedly, it does get tough because I love him very much. However, I try to keep in mind that we were close friends for years before we dated.

Why do you think he's acting depressed and not really depressed? Avoidants, just like anxious can get very depressed. In the end, you have to do what feels right to you.

My avoidant was lieing about almost everything to get attention or to look more interesting and yes, he was also full of "dramatic effects". ​@@SunshineAndSnowflakes

Can I ask why even do that? Only give what you get? Why not find someone where you are both willing to give it a real effort?

Everything I've read says that giving ultimatums tends to do more harm than help.

You will heal. More often it's really for the best. It is a sharp medicine but a powerful one. You can either let it break you or let it make you strong. Good luck!!!

They may be spiritually possesses, similar to a narcissist.

Married for 31 years. I didn't know anything about the pattern. Now I am 61 years old and she has left me again. Without warning and ice-cold. Yes, I'm devastated. At my age, I don't start from the beginning, so I'll stay alone. I try to be strong, also because of the 2 adult children. But it's hard. I loved her so much. It's all over and done 😞

Amen.....personally, giving the DA the opportunity to return is setting yourself, most often times, a repeat of the same ole relationship. Tip toeing around their core wounds, unless they fix themselves, only leads to repeat behavior and years of your life gone. Did everything that you mentioned in this video.....and yes they always came back (4x) and now, another trigger, another breakup, but this time went straight into a rebound relationship.....not even 24 hours had gone bye. My advice....don't bother and waste your time, energy, and your heart❤.

Facts. Stick to pds all the videos...join the membership and keep healing. Ur mind will return and the version of you to become will be one that has wayyy more tools in your belt to navigate relationships. Also checkout Craig Kenneth (wicked break up stories, these help you feel less isolated big time) Brianna MacWilliams (a creative arts approach to things) ❤

​@@hilkaahlers5855 That doesn't sound like a rebound, that seems more like a monkey branch. That person was probably already there establishing something with your partner

Thanks for sharing! This advice is not for all relationships or situations. Both people must actively work on themselves and want to make things work before reconnecting ❤‍🩹

@@daniellediaz2516 I think you are right.....the last week before our breakup, he was distant and that was when he met her. As they say....time has a way of healing and resolving.

that is true

This is it. "Creature Comforts" leave their asses where they are at.

Are you male? I feel like male DA's are more likely to contact exes than female DA's

Do it!!! Even if it’s just to apologize to the person who I’m sure would benefit in their life greatly by hearing that from u as a selfless act.

@@13sprintuser Yes I am. Interesting. @SeanOzz Thank you that helps

Go in and apologize and try to explain how you felt. Be vulnerable even though that's one of the scariest things in the world. Also acknowledge to them that this must have been hard to them. But please do, this gives me hope for humanity

I'm sure mine has been thinking about contacting me for years....but honestly... he did me so wrong he won't ever have enough balls to do it. I'd love to know WHY he did what he did....but at this point I'm still trying to recover from WHAT he did. 🤷‍♀️ fighting cancer alone is not fun nor easy.

What is sulking?

Sulking is a reaction of which you silently show your disdain for what has happened to you on behalf of another's actions or inactions towards you. ​@@arianamontenegro5528

They’ll never be happy

You need to become a puppy, and keep running back to them no matter what, even when they not there for you.

yep true

I totally agree. You do not want them to come back unhealed. It will just waste your time and mental health. When they go let it be for good. The avoidant I was dating briefly would come to mine at the wkd and I couldn’t get him to leave. Then I said to you want to go to brunch next Saturday. Bam gone, too much of a commitment. Called me desperate haha I have a daughter and only get weekends free. I just let him go but I have dealt with one before so I knew the script.

@@sarahbright5231haaa, so true. They hate making any kind of future plans. I knew this. But seems even "brunch next Saturday" is very scary commitment to them😂

Healthy...no. They will come back if they were attached but if they haven't done any work it's not really worth it.

Yeah lying is a deal breaker for me. Exes always pop back in and I'm pretty polite, but it's very rare that I would get back with one. If there's no trust there's no point.

You’re describing exactly mine and I don’t think it’s talked about enough. Excessively secretive over small things, lies for no real reason, and view relationships as a power struggle. And yes, mine has an orbit of women that he has to go to when things aren’t good between us.

@@nannoreul mines actually kind of nerdy. But also very flirty. I had never gone out with the nerdy type before. I thought he would be safe but they all turn out the same when you build them up. I'm happier single. I've come to the conclusion I'm never going to find a decent guy. Seems they don't exist anymore. Either that or I'm doomed to keep picking the wrong ones. Lol

@@LeeChrissy You are exactly right!

@@vickiortega8034 Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I’m just setting myself up for pain by seeing him again. I haven’t brought up the whole “dismissive avoidance” yet though, so I feel like I have to make him aware of that, because he does try to change a bit sometimes, but if he doesn’t use that info to start healing himself asap, I’ll have to leave him.

perhaps you were cruel and disrespectful to him too. and if you didn't communicate some things with him verbally you can't know the tone of his words or the intention behind the words that you found disrespectful.

​​@@dandanut5409 you know what I'm very straightforward I did say everything completely openly I don't leave hints I use my words sir this wasn't some online messenger love affair

I think that’s what I see some miss about breakups/no contact and the like. In these comments sections, I see the supposedly avoidant person get attacked for never reaching out after a breakup or being called a coward for missing an ex but never reaching out. However, the way I see it, I miss Crumbl cookies often but that doesn’t mean I should order them. Self control and the recognition that some things aren’t good for us goes a long way. I don’t reach out to exes or break no contact because typically there’s a reason it happened. And hear hear about respecting yourself. I’ve met plenty of people who weren’t the nicest, people who have mistreated me, but the thing that lingers with me most is that I allowed it. It’s our jobs to protect ourselves and the feeling of betraying oneself, that to me is the most painful of all. Humans will human, I expect others to test my boundaries but my expectation for myself towards myself is high and takes precedence.

@@sj3969 keep thinking like that and one day you might realise you trowed away the love of your life. That's the ego speaking. You can't be 100% self-reliable we are wired to be dependent, even biologically , even science will tell you so. We are social and communal beings at our core. Besides you are not self-reliable even in your day 2 day basis, we are all part of a conglomerate and depend on external factors for the consummation of different outcomes. Sure this could work better in a country with small rates of corruption, but in a corrupt country you would learn the hard way how little self-reliant and independent you can be! This 100% individualism purported in the West is a deception. So is 100% collectivism. But there s a reason why there is a huge self-care industry.

​​ ​​ it doesn't make sense to me personally that there is just one single person out there for each person, doesn't seem very logical to me. I respect that some people believe in soulmates and all that sort of thing but that's never really been my thing and I'm glad it's not, otherwise I'd be so unhappy every time something didn't go to plan with someone. I will also say that even in very traditional societies there are lone wolves who keep to themselves. Fortunately I live in New Zealand and not Afghanistan so no need to be too in line with societal norms in order to keep alive.

Never stay in a situation where your needs aren't getting met.

subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship. Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks? You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients

Trust me, you don't

It's pretty normal to want something unhealthy. It's like wanting KFC. Doesn't mean we need to hit the drive thru. And like anything else, if you give KFC a break for 6 weeks and work on healthier habits it becomes easier to say no to it in future 💗💗💗💗

I believe most people experience the hurt after a break up within the first days and weeks regardless of attachment styles. Especially in short term relationships. By a month's due the person has already began detaching from their former counterpart and mostly made up their mind against them. By then they are on the brink of letting them go entirely, and if you take that long that will only interfere with their process and bring about more resentment, and it may all go against you (like what took you so long, that s giving out a message of indecisiveness ) and will only help them think they are better off without you. The longer you take to NC the more it gives a statement the less feelings are involved. So I guess that could work for DAs, but I doubt it.

​@@dandanut5409no, thats not true for people on the avoidant spectrum... Unless they really had reasons to distrust you and be relieved that their ex and their dramatic antics are gone... If they appreciated the relationship and it was mostly beneficial and positive to them, they are starting to feel that pain and start to self reflect after a month

It hits harder especially if you were discarded around the holiday season.

you dont break no contact bro

I think this is for people who need to restrain themselves from begging, it makes no sense to us but they do need to coach themselves through it. I kind of get it because I guess they are looking for closure. But I think many people misinterpret Thais and attempt to engineer closure or even a relationship when they really should just be shutting the door on the whole thing. That's where the whole self love comes in, having the self love and self respect to walk away from toxic dynamics. People miss that part sadly.

@@Littleowl85352 😂 it absolutely makes no sense to us. After Years of practicing restraint around our emotions it’s so weird to see how some of the other attachment styles react so different… I don’t quite understand why you would look to be getting closure from that other person - I would instinctively be looking for it within myself. I guess people who are more trained for interdependence don’t naturally do that…. Thanks for the answer… ⭐️

Same! I see some people here seemingly expecting contact after a break up but that’s so strange to me. We broke up…it’s over, move around.

Every break up is different. I broke up with my avoidant and when I did he said he wanted to leave the door open, but every time I've reached out he has ghosted me. The mixed signals is crazy making. We were friends for 4 years before we dated and there were some extenuating circumstances that caused me to break up impulsively when we hadn't even had a fight (and no I was not interested in someone else, it was a personal issue) so we were both kinda broadsided by it, lots of loose ends I would like to repair the rift. I really value our relationship and hate that all could be lost without even having a conversation that could repair what was broken, when it shouldn't have been broken in the first place

@@creatureofstyle sometimes we are attracted to doomed relationships because we subconsciously believe we don't really deserve love so definitely check in on yourself with that one (most likely you have so that's cool)

Agreed. Love PDS.

WHAt the fuck is PDS

@@_--Reaper--_ personal development school. The woman who does the videos does pretty great courses.

It can definitely be difficult but going about it in the right way will hopefully help you figure out what next steps make the most sense ❤

Thank you so much Mark!

Thank you so much! 😊

I appreciate your share! You bring up some important points ❤

Great take. I ended a friendship with an anxious leaning friend because I realized that all trust and rapport we had built went out the window the moment she had to acknowledge or take accountability for her own flaws. It was such a breach if trust

@@recklessmermaid , I think it's worth mentioning that the anxious person's avoidant relationship with themself can spill over into becoming avoidant of the other person when that individual tries to hold up a mirror that accurately reflects back that which the anxious person is trying to avoid within themself.

I'm polite, but brief.

​@@LeeChrissysame

how much time has it passed?

@@dandanut5409 It wasn't time. It was being hella brave and asking very directly what he wanted. The answer made me realise I'd created a fantasy in my head as to what we actually had all that time, when what he wanted was a hookup and no responsibility. To 'go with the flow' while he 'wasn't sure what he wanted' and kept feelings (and beds) with other people while he tried to 'figure it out'. Woke up the next day to the cold light of truth, once I'd genuinely accepted it, I lost 80% of my feelings and couldn't look at him the same. He disgusted me. I thought I was getting fed when in reality I was using the memory of a few great moments of connection at the start and dining out on the memory of them over and over, when in reality I was starving, and he was neglecting any reasonable need i had. I was beautiful and open and warm before I met him, and I will get back there again. You are worth so much. Don't forget.

@@dandanut5409 it wasn't time. It was being really brave and thinking over all the crappy ways he's treated me. It killed 80% of my feelings. I can do the rest.

Bobby Rios method is a option. It's called under the radar no contact I.e. set time restriction on a date say 30mins coffee date or 1hr eating date.BE THE ONE TO LEAVE DATE FISRT SUBDUED INTEREST ,don't validate them ,push pull behaviour and how you talk to them PRE EMPTIVE PULL BACKS when you sense their losing interest, you pull back for a few days of no contact Be mysterious Hope this helps ✌

Yeah, work on your codependency. Your fear of abandonment existed way before this person.

No

I'm sorry for loss and can only imagine how difficult that must be to go through. I will try and make some videos on this in the future, thank you for your request! ❤‍🩹

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you. I'd highly appreciate it. It's been 2 months now since she's gone. My friend has never lost anyone, but they thought I should recover how they wanted me to. They thought they were there for me. I needed consistency for a week, and I explicitly outlined what I needed because I know them. It would b like I am asking so much. They were so inconsistent n oy showed up 2 days of the week and every week they would tell Me I'd be here. When id bring this up either triggered because my emotions were all over the place they would tell me things like I am fucked up or manipulatetive. I understood it came from a place of hurt they thought I was blaming them but if never do that. However now they have stonewalled because they beleive I was critical. I was upset during a painful time of mine o had to consider their feelings and b perfect I couldn't just be me. I wanted a space to feel free n cry it's tough for men to deal with these emotions openly. But they thought these are actions only a romantic partner should deal with. However when they were in a low season I wqs there for them with no doubt/hesitation. He only wanted to help me how he would have wanted and my ways were considered invalid. I opened up to them about somebody I lost when I was young a secret I never shared for 15 years, last year I lost my friend at the young age of 28, this year I lost my sister so they knew death was a touchy subject for me. He just struggled to put his own ego n emotions aside to be there for me. He stonewalled and went to his room n his other comforts. I understand it's to protect himself but damn I was really drowning here

Blessings to you. And never know, you may be blessed to meet someone who will love you soon. Even 70+ is a great age to meet someone for care, support, love and companionship!

If she was deliberately doing things to hurt you then she was a narcissist.

DA’s don’t say they don’t feel loved and definitely don’t want more time with anyone. I’m wondering if your person is really a DA 🤔

If you want him to reach out, let him see that you're having fun living life. If you want to you genuinely want to move on, block him on everything

I was with an FA, and he keeps calling me. I don't want anything else to do with him. Just know getting back with them will mean further hurt, as they're incapable of meeting your needs.

I wouldn't at all. But that's just me.

You just call and say what you feel in a respectful and kind manner.

Maybe. But for now I would stay no contact and heal. My exes are notorious for trying old tactics to get me in and it gets annoying honestly. I can be fully in and drop off the face of the earth if someone keeps pushing me.

I haven't found a way how to get over the respect that I lost from her, the embarrassment for my fail. How do you heal that? Just her continuing to ignore triggers this memory of fail

​@@sebastianc4257 heal, workout, just raise your vibration. We can't take back what we did in the past. We can just do better moving forward. Your silence shows your healing.

Not necessarily. I'm FA leaning secure. I used to get triggered when someone pursued me hard. It scared me so I closed off. But, if they backed off a little, gave me space and waited awhile, a few days, sometimes a couple of weeks, I'd reach out and let them in again. If that happens with her, don't go overboard and take it sloooooowwwww. Patience is your best friend when dealing with an FA.

The reason for the breakup is because I made a comment that she was insulted by and she took from that that I see her as broken and wanting to fix her. From there, further disqualifications probably made her lose all her trust towards me. It's been 3 months since the breakup and for 2 months kept getting worse as I pushed and broke her trust more and more with things. So, I'm deeply regretful of how things turned out, even letting it easy now prob won't reverse it

That is so painful. I'm sorry you're having tondeal with that painful experience.

@@Shutzie27 🙏🏼

I can't speak for everyone, but when my avoidant exes have come back it's been for different reasons. Either to rekindle what we had and try again or for sexual purposes or friendship. I also lean avoidant and I'm also usually the one who breaks up. My exes are pretty cool people so of course we can be friends. I just have to be clear...many times...that we're just friends. It might be different whether it's a man or woman too? Not sure. But in my experience, avoidant men will chase avoidant women but it's not as reciprocated when the roles are reversed.

@@SunshineAndSnowflakesyeah, I’ve reached out because I questioned myself and thought maybe I can remove their hurt feelings in a way. I’ve learned that’s not possible because someone breaking up with you will hurt no matter what, so most recently, I’ve said my piece and just ended it so I don’t have to wonder about these things.

@@sj3969 I understand. At least you tried. I'd say the only men I've ever hurt was when I was 18 to 20 years old and I'm now in my 40's. I didn't do anything wrong aside from break up with them, so I never had guilt or felt the need to reach out although they've reached out to me over the years. Funny because one will reach out strong and then block me on everything. I'm not really sure if he's trying to hurt me make me feel rejected or maybe it was still painful for him. But we were kids so I don't really get it. Either way, I have nothing to say and I hope nobody ever feels they need to contact me.

That's why I say it's something we will do when we are younger and less mature. We assume the other gives less of a damn, has similar feelings to us but we soon learn oh hell that is a bad idea

Did you clearly and bluntly state you were not interested in rekindling from the outset? People often project their desires on interactions, so if one of your exes wants to try again and you show up with apologies, closure-giving explanations and initatiated contact, quite frankly I can see why they would see no further contact as confusing (i.e., nothing you've done wrong, just people subconsciously project desires is all). It's hard to be accountable in the way you describe and you should be proud of yourself for it, esoecially if your motivation was for their healing. My ex-DA would sometimes apologize but it always landed flat with me because it was just to stroke his ego so he could feel like this great, noble person; it had nothing to do with healing relational wounds or even me or my heart. He didn't want the guilt is all. You sound like you're coming from a different place. Congrats on the work you've done and I hope your healibg continues well.

I think the key is to not let yourself be pulled back in. My exes have always tried to get me back, but I'm not interested even if I love them. Thais's PDS courses are pretty amazing to help you through situations like this. At least if you do go back, you'll be in a better place and make an informed decision from a good mindset. ❤

Lol, please come back and share the results!

Please share the science experiment results 😂

😅

Did you hear back yet? I'm fully invested. Lol

I emailed him 🤦🏻‍♀️ calling him out on his exaggerations. I don’t expect him to be back any time soon if ever lol Mind you this is after him saying “I’m the love of his life” he got triggered and bailed and hasn’t faced me since except for email. The thing that set me off is him saying “the email conversation was for my benefit” hah! 😆 I just could not let him sit with his false narrative. Maybe he’ll use the points I gave him for his next relationship. But he’s so stubborn/ black and white thinking. Oh well.

Stonewalling would be within a relationship. No contact is after that relationship is over.

I'd say a fearful avoidant. She has to heal that in order to have any type of healthy relationship.

Thank you that explains so much . She is absolutely adamant that there is no chance of reconciliation. Well she said that last time .... 😅 I'm attending to my development.. do they usually reach out ​@@LeeChrissy

I tried to say she should see a therapist but she "isn't to be labelled"

@@martinhebblewhite4659 as hard as it is to hear, I wouldn't bother with her. She's in her 50's and doesn't want help. You're just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Bail*

The first thing that comes to mind is that a part of you fills her needs in certain areas and she doesn't want to let go of this. Similarly to friends. Different friends meet different needs. You absolutely do not need to do this though. Do what feels right for you.

I deal with something really similar. My partner of 9 years broke it off but still wants to be friends. The thing is, the relationship ended in HER mind probably years before she actually dumped me, so she’s had time to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on emotionally. For me it still hurts as I haven’t had the same amount of time. Why does she keep trying? Like probably all of us, I have value to her outside of just the romantic stuff. I fixed her car, I took care of her dog, I made repairs on her home, I helped her financially, and she loved talking to me about work, politics, etc. She understandably misses all of those things because she benefitted from them. I’ll admit for a few months I kept doing all of them hoping to “win her back”, but after 3 months or so I gave up and went no contact. I can’t say that it “worked” in the sense of getting her back, but it’s allowed me to go a full day every now and then without obsessing about her. A brutal slog of a process to be sure, but I’m slowly getting over the heartbreak. I believe it’s faster with no contact.

I think we should go the Sheldon way!. Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory has a room mate agreement signed before letting Leonard stay with him. They both are obliged to meet the terms of the agreement in order to coexist. I think we should have such list of terms and agreements accepted before any relationship - friendship or romantic. Will save a ton of trouble. In hindsight, Sheldon was right. 😀

That's a hard one! I had to live through that, and had to work closely so was never able to achieve it. My person finally left and I was relieved. Then he came back after that even (after no contact) ! So, unfortunately it may take one of you leaving.😢

OMG..😖😣😢

You be polite and do your best to ignore the person. You work, nod your head and move.

Indifference. The lack of attention and being unfazed by their presence.

I’m right there with you. I’m 6 months into no contact (more like limited contact) with my DA ex. We cannot go full no contact because we work together and own a home together. But I really am doing my best. It’s very difficult.

You'd move one?

I would listen and never talk to him again. Wash your hands of it. ❤

@@LeeChrissy I think it is really immature. He broke up because of typical avoidant reasons. I never chased him, so probably I triggered his fear of rejection and now he hates me 😂

They're an ex, it's healthy to take space from an ex for a few years at least. You don't do the whole "friends" thing until the dust has settled.

@@Littleowl85352 the breakup was 2 years ago. Not a few months

​​@@DeadMysticxoh well, maybe just move on yourself, you know. Maybe they think if they give you attention, you'll try to date them again. Maybe you have needy vibes.

Try joining the personal development school. I swear it helps. ❤

@@LeeChrissy I watch a lot of her videos all the time. And it does help. But idk in the actual situation of a relationship it’s such a struggle. I may see and look into it again and try to join if I can.

@@tiffanycox9210 yeah the courses are completely different. You actually write out scripts and participate in live webinars (if you want). It's pretty amazing.

Obviously I don't understand the complexity of the situation your dealing with so take it with a gtain of salt. If your former Partner is asking for an answer from you concerning your formerly shared home then not giving him an answer cannot be considered no contract. It sounds like stonewalling to me what you are doing. You can have no contract when things that can be resolved are resolved and there is no immediate need to be in contact. He might feel like you are trying to hold on to the relationship by not resolving the living situation. And he would be right, wouldn't he? If you are overwhelmed with dealing with the house situation and moving etc. tell him that. You cannot be forced to move as long as he hasn't hired a lawyer. The more coopertative you are the better if he decides to go that route.

@@alllscination thank you for your reply. Obviously my comment lacked detail so you’re right that you just don’t know the complexity of it. I am in no way shape or form stonewalling him. I will try to make this as short as possible. 1) in October 2023 my DA abruptly ended the relationship out of nowhere, completely blindsided me and then ran away to his parents house and has stonewalled all further communication since. He refuses to talk about anything to do with “us” and only wants to discuss our home and what we are going to do (buy out vs sell). 2) since he left, we have talked a total of 7 times. The reason we have these “talks” is because he is trying to force me out of our home. Basically what happens is this, we will set a “date” to talk, and in between these dates we are no contact. He will not allow for a full no contact situation because of the issue of the house. He demands that we set these meetings and have these conversations. 3) during these 7 conversations, sometimes they go really well. Other times they go incredibly negative. Sometimes he opens up about things. Other times he remains shut off. Sometimes he seems open to reconciliation, other times he seems adamant about wanting me out of his life. There has been no clear linear timeline of things as he goes back and forth. Truthfully I feel like I am talking to multiple personalities when I talk to him as he’s so different depending on the day. 4) one of the last conversations we had in March, he threatened legal action. After we talked about this a bit, he agreed that he would not hire a lawyer but that I have to have an answer for him come June as he will not allow me to keep extending the timeline. Since this conversation he told me he got himself into therapy because he needs “clarity” on this situation because he “doesn’t know what he wants” whatever that means. Basically what has been going on is this, I literally have no where else that I can move to. I don’t have any family. I don’t have any friends. I have 0 support network at all. I have nothing to fall back on. I have nowhere soft to land. I have no one who will help me. I’m 100% alone. The market in the city that I live in is absolutely crazy and I cannot afford to buy a new home nor can I afford to rent a place. Rent in my city now far surpasses what I am currently paying in mortgage. I am truly between a rock and a hard place. I am not stonewalling him as all of this has been communicated, but I am dealing with someone who is acting like a child throwing tantrums. He’s not being an adult about this at all. An adult would understand that when you have your lives intertwined like this, you cannot just kick the other person out of it. We are not 15 years old. This is not a little kid breakup. I’m not stonewalling him and refusing to answer him. I’ve told him several times that I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO and thus we cannot sell the home. I will literally be homeless living on the streets with 3 cats if he continues to try and strong arm me about the house. I NEED TIME. Time he is unwilling to give because he just wants this to be “easy” and expects me to just disappear. We’ve been together for 5 years. We work together. We live together. We own the home we live in. We have 3 cats together. We were discussing marriage and children. He allowed me to take a $20K paycut at work to transition into this “trad” lifestyle that we were building. (I was planning to become a SAHM). He pulled the rug right out from under me. Within 2 months of allowing me to take that large paycut, he brutally abandoned me. I’m not stonewalling as I’ve been very communicative from the beginning. And I’m also not necessarily holding out for the relationship by holding onto the house. Yes, I am holding out for the relationship to work and fix itself. This is ultimately what I want. But when it comes to the home, I’m only holding onto the home because it’s literally the only option I have aside from homelessness. I’m just getting very scared because 6/20 is approaching and I still have no idea what to do. If he doesn’t come back by then, and still insists on this breakup and me having an answer for him by then, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how this cannot be considered “no contact” as we literally have 0 contact with eachother aside from matters of the home/work. It’s the best I can do given my situation. It’s really called “limited contact” (I learned that in one of my relationship coaching sessions), but it’s all that can be done when you’re in a situation like mine.

​​@@bbrittanyy1Have a word to your local women's shelter, it's a dreadful situation but you're still putting all the power in his hands, please use this time you have left to establish that support network you lack. He sounds completely insane and you need to cut ties.

This is why women are warned against the “trad wife” thing. Never leave your life in the hands of another fallible and ever changing human being. I wish you the best

Avoidants always come back in my experience. It's obviously different for different people, but I just disappear and do my own thing and move on with my life the best I can. That's generally when they come back. After a ton of space. However, if I'm constantly doing personal development and they come back the same, I turn them away. It's happening as I write this. The same goes with any ex with any attachment style.

@LeeChrissy well Lee, that has not been my experience, and I can promise you after a breakup, I don't contact them even once. And when i have run into them by accident they see totally like a stranger. That said, i don't care because I am earned secure now. But posting about getting your ex back is click bait for anxious or fearful and has no place here, bad dating advise.

There's in lies your problem " we are not going to be "helped" by nursemaiding flapping around begging pleading people pleasing trying to change us we honestly need to figure this one out ourselves " you so hate yourselves that you hold anyone that cares about you in even more distain.

​@@macdavy70 no sir I don't hate myself but I do dislike other adults attempting to treat me like a child and mould me to their worldview, take care and may you treat the next person you interact with with more respect ✌️

EXACTLY! Please anxious types, accept that we DO know our own mind and we don’t want to reunite. It is very manipulative to plan a strategy (‘okay, no contact for at least 6 weeks, then I will…’) toward another human being. It’s like you all hang on every word of these so called attachment experts’ and think they speak for avoidants. They don’t.

​@@stephaniec5215 yes if we want someone we let them know it's pretty simple

@@Littleowl85352 I call it bluff. You are actually the only attachment style that can be manipulated through no contact

I feel like I've seen videos on this but not sure if it's from Thais. You can't go no contact in this situation. The only solution really is to, like you said, keep it about the kids. You can be polite and brief when he texts about something else, but you don't need to respond if you don't want to. It's not up to him. If he gets mad, let him.

have you discussed this with your other self?

​@@dandanut5409😆

@@dandanut5409interesting. You and another person here have used the same language as far as other selves/personalities go. Share with us because you say you use research and I’m a psych researcher (in developmental psych but research is research), so this is a conversation I’m very equipped to have. Share with us this body of work pointing to avoidants having multiple personalities or other selves. Either of your accounts can answer

Go to a psychiatrist