12 Questions to Evaluate your Parents
Рет қаралды 217,138
Жыл бұрынWe might think back to our pasts and give our carers a score out of ten to measure how things went. It isn’t unfair or mean sometimes - in the privacy of our own minds - to hold people to account. Finish the sentence, "My Parent made me' below and give each a score out of 10.
My parent made me:
- feel deeply loved and wanted.
- Was often highly attuned to what I actually felt
- Was able to tolerate a degree of innocent disobedience
- Was authentically happy about my success
- Lacked sadistic impulses
- Avoided imposing too many of their own issues on me
- Didn’t demand to be admired
- Wasn’t too exciting
- Knew how to play
- Had boundaries
- Tolerated dissent
- Took an interest in my ‘small’ joys and pains
We don’t need a score of a hundred and twenty to be robust, but if things were to drop much below sixty, there might be grounds for a good deal of reflection and sorrow.
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: bit.ly/3Mdm2fy
“Some people assume that you can’t really say what a good - or indeed a bad - parent actually is. But we don’t agree. So we’ve designed a checklist of what we think makes up a good parent…”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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Sarah Hope
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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@theschooloflifetv Жыл бұрын
What score would you give your parents? Let us know in the comments below.
@asiddi821 Жыл бұрын
I don't want to blame them as they can't change how I wanted them to be; just give us some tips on how to forgive them and accept them for our own good.
@graealex Жыл бұрын
@@asiddi821 You don't need to forgive them actually.
@cj2074 Жыл бұрын
Atleast you could worded the question correctly. Score your parents? seriously? very nice. Shame on everyone who is going to do this.
@anotherone3666 Жыл бұрын
@@cj2074 it's a way to account things. It's not literal, it helps to understand actions; it makes you see the good, not so great and the bad. If that is hurtful then you can work based on that, not a score.
@m2pozad Жыл бұрын
@@asiddi821 Keep the score to yourself, for yourself. Then notice how the "tips' you call for become self-evident.
@user-tc1ol9if5j Жыл бұрын
My parents weren’t bad but rather troubled, growing older I now understand their parents were troubled too. I took as my mission to stop this circle of troubled parenthood and become as supportive and loving towards my children as possible.
@khalilahd. Жыл бұрын
It takes time to truly accept the flaws of your parent but I think it’s important for growth. Proud of you for trying to be better than they were
@palacsintakat Жыл бұрын
I definitely have a different score for my childhood mom vs adult mom. I'm much more forgiving now and she has grown. My dad died with a bad score so that kinda sucks he never got to grow
@mgbm8335 Жыл бұрын
Yep, I noticed this too...
@CircumcisionIsChildAbuse Жыл бұрын
So message of the video: Make sure you're a parent that is actually THERE for your kids, not spending your entire time at work, distracted. Having an actual person RAISING your child for their entire development, not half at work, half at home. No wonder the world has suffered so much mental health problems. People think career is the only source of happiness.
@hosamelsayed5723 Жыл бұрын
Sounds wise but it's harder than you think.
@nathanjackson5859 Жыл бұрын
I had the best parents despite growing up in a poor household. All 5 of us grew up happy knowing we were loved while slowly realising we were poor. I would never complain for what we didn't have because what I received was everything my parents had. If the world threw all their parents in one massive place I would go and search for mine. Regardless, of wealth, education, status or the difficulties that occur when living with family. I'm genuinely blessed to have my parents. Ich liebe dich Mama und Papa
@tracesprite6078 Жыл бұрын
How warm and comforting to be able to remember your loving parents!
@FruityHachi Жыл бұрын
no money in the world can fill the void that is emotional neglect when growing up it’s why a lot of celebrities are still not happy despite having all that money
@esterhudson5104 Жыл бұрын
This is BEST. 😌
@blackdiamond6390 Жыл бұрын
Lucky guy
@tracesprite6078 Жыл бұрын
@@FruityHachi I agree that money can't fill that void. However, I think that satisfying friendships can help a lot, and so can meaningful work, creativity, and learning skills that give you satisfaction and self-confidence. Also a mental habit of sometimes answering back to the mental image we have of our parents can help. For instance, if your father used to say, "You'll never amount to anything," you can reply, within your own head, "Well, Dad, I just chaired that meeting quite well so I think you were wrong. Never mind! You were only human and so of course you didn't know everything." And if you do make some bad mistakes and you imagine his familiar criticism of you, again just reply in a brisk voice, "Nonsense, Dad. Making mistakes is just part of being human. After all, YOU made a mistake when you said I would never amount to anything. I'm managing my life fairly well just like most people - a mixture of some things going well and somethings going badly."
@jvishnevetskaia Жыл бұрын
So sad to admit that my parents can't score even a lousy 50 points combined together. I went no contact with them both, it took me two and a half years of therapy almost full time to recover from my horrible childhood. Sending warm hugs to everyone in a similar situation - you are seen and not alone.
@mathiasbischeroux6167 Жыл бұрын
Hello, I am glad to hear you recovered from your traumas. I grew up with two narcissistic parents of which one is a sociopath. My parents mentally abused me and literally bullied me, my father almost broke my back as well because I was 'bad'. Can you tell me specifically what mind of therapy has helped you?
@mathiasbischeroux6167 Жыл бұрын
Kind*
@jvishnevetskaia Жыл бұрын
@@mathiasbischeroux6167 Hi darling, I'm so sorry to hear that! It's disastrous and no one in the world deserves such treatment, I'm so angry with your parents. Sure, I can share what I know regarding this topic! I specifically went with a therapist who practices CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and has experience treating PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). At some point, medical treatment was required to help me process my trauma as well (antidepressants), in my country it does not require to involve a psychiatrist, just GP. Still, there is nothing to be scared of even if you'll need an assessment, modern-day pills are low in the dose and quite effective. In my case, it was just 2,5 years of talking therapy, but there are also some specific methods of treating PTSD and CPTSD like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) that were proven as beneficial and can help a lot. Please keep in mind that there are plenty of methods and different practices, but it was also proven that the bond that you form with your therapist is way more important in the healing process than the method itself. It's paramount to trust the person and feel safe and respected around them. I would also recommend staying away from spiritual practices, coaching, and people who promise fast results and magic bullets. Good luck with your journey! Healing is possible, you are not alone in your path.
@tamax229 Жыл бұрын
14 on mine
@kristannestone1748 Жыл бұрын
Sometimes no contact is the only way to go. I had to go no contact with my whole family--including extended family members--12 years ago. Over time I went from feeling like an orphan trying to fit into a family that did not want me, to feeling like everyone on earth is family, and I pick and choose with whom I associate. I'm happier than I've ever been. And there's more good to come.
@khalilahd. Жыл бұрын
It’s crazy to see how much the behavior of your parents dictates the trauma you have to heal from in life. Definitely makes me want to be better than my parents ever were 😕
@CircumcisionIsChildAbuse Жыл бұрын
It's the first and closest relationship you'll ever have in your entire life, its important. The relationship with your siblings is also crucial, and those all accumulate together and begin to form how well you form relationships with everyone else for the rest of your life. Friends, lovers, colleagues, yourself. That's why its so important to grow up first and then have children.
@flecha213 Жыл бұрын
Especially because so many parents make their kids feel like they're the problem.
@ryancxe Жыл бұрын
I think parents having a negative influence is honesty one of the most common pains I see expressed in KZfaq comments, literally ever
@theafricanrhino Жыл бұрын
Or, the bar of expectation has been raised to a unrealistic level by a constant idealizing of parents in every form of media and comment sections reflect that..
@ryancxe Жыл бұрын
@@theafricanrhino yea, considering we see that in dating too, it wouldn’t surprise me. Interesting point sir
@rightcliquegod7653 Жыл бұрын
@@theafricanrhino Not really. Parents, especially mothers were always so idolized to a fault. Thus, people through a mixture of both biological drives and the psychological appeal of meaning and being idolized always sought parenthood to fix their problems. However, as we all know there is no running away from one's mind they realize their life is just as miserable but now with extra responsibilities, and so they dump all of that on their kids by looking for meaning through them. How exhausting and soul crushing! The people that were supposed to be your biggest support and pillar in life were ironically the biggest obstacle. I think being a parent is one of the hardest job to do right. It's great that the awareness of how messed up the majority of parents and how convoluted their idea of love is gaining attraction and people are now more critical of their parents, as things should be! After all it's an equal relationships between two individuals, not the whole mess you're my shit do what I say. I can't speak for everyone, but I have never seen anything positive from my parents except for tangible things like food, shelter, and clothes. The price was equally steep, and let's just leave it at that.
@Drakavio Жыл бұрын
@@theafricanrhino No, it's not. The reality is that people don't learn how to deal with their own internal problems, let alone how to raise a child. This inevitably leads to parents making a multitude of mistakes and causing trauma even unintentionally.
@davecsaszarable Жыл бұрын
@@rightcliquegod7653 exactly! If I did to my parents half of the things they did to us, I’d be in jail.
@fiatlux8828 Жыл бұрын
My parents scored 107. My parents are amazing. They both grew up in families with violent and alcoholic parents and decided they didn't want that kind of life for their children and they were successful. We were pretty poor growing up, but there was a lot of love.
@Ellie655 Жыл бұрын
This is so wonderful to read. What an incredible thing they did!
@meetontheledge1380 Жыл бұрын
There is hardly any act more heroic than ''breaking the chain'' of one's inheritance. Reading between the lines, I believe my paternal grandfather was violent toward my grandmother, in times of stress (and their era was FULL of stress). My father ended that legacy. He never laid his hands upon my mother. I, in turn, have never laid violent hands on my girlfriends.
@alexandraradcliff7981 Жыл бұрын
My parents scored 25. Now that I’m a mom I’ve almost completely secluded them out of my life. I’ve never been happier.
@jasonlichtsinn4313 Жыл бұрын
Both my parents were severe narcissist and didn't take parenting seriously enough because of how selfish they were. It took me 40 years to realize that I was manipulated instead of loved. I have the upmost respect for parents who are selfless and dedicated to their children foundation and love.
@aniaandherpeanuts Жыл бұрын
Mine scored zero, and it makes total sense. The amount of neglect I received was astounding. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to survive all of that. I taught myself everything: maintaing hygiene, cleaning, taking care of my health, how to talk or communicate, you name it. Everything. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, was locked up in the home for a long time after college completed. It was either that life, or choosing to unalive myself. I had to make questionable desicions just to escape it. And I still can't believe I managed to survive that. If anyone else's score is 0, you aren't alone. If your earliest caregivers couldn't love you, Love yourself. Live, not just survive. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.
@indrinita Жыл бұрын
wow you should be incredibly proud of yourself for your resilience and your ability not just to survive, but thrive. That's a feat that no one can properly appreciate or measure.
@amberb.6395 Жыл бұрын
Same here. The only reason I made it this far is my grandparents and my cousin (she’s a babysitter, so she watched over me for quite a few years). They taught me the things I couldn’t teach myself. Grandma taught me to read. Grandpa taught me to tie my shoes and ride a bike. Grandma taught me how to cook. My cousin taught me about friendships. Grandpa taught me how to drive. Grandma taught me how to study (not that I ever did lol). And mom, what did she teach me? How to raise a child because I was stuck raising my little sister. How to make it look like you weren’t home and hide from the cops knocking on the door. How to shove things just right to make everything fit. How to not cry so she can’t make fun of me for crying. To hide everything and sneak around because I wasn’t allowed to do anything or go anywhere
@aniaandherpeanuts Жыл бұрын
@@indrinita Thank you. Although I'am far from thriving, I'am trying to kearn how to "live" now, because all I knew is how to survive. And I think my life is much more than just surviving.
@aniaandherpeanuts Жыл бұрын
@@amberb.6395 That's sad. Atleast you had a few family members. I had no one. None. Worst part is, I'am the only child. So I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that why they were frustrated with just one single child. It's not like I was spoilt rotten or showered with love. I had to beg for basic things like cloths and shoes for months or years. My mother was jealous of her own daughter getting loved by her husband, my father was too much of a coward to protect & love me and was a bystander & enabler through it all.
@Gianfranco_69 Жыл бұрын
I was brought up by my single mother,she told me later in life she deliberately acted cold and harsh to "prepare" me for life...this had the exact opposite effect,between the age of 19 and 30 i was a one man crime wave,avoiding a 12 yr sentence by the sheer fluke that evidence was "lost" during a trial... Parents can and do F***k you up,recognising this early is the key
@Ice.muffin Жыл бұрын
What a damn lousy excuse she found for her own incapacity in establishing a worthy relationship with her own child, but it's understandable...
@FruityHachi Жыл бұрын
the cold and harsh parenting breeds 2 kinds of people - sociopathic sadists or addicts/criminals
@thatsaniceboulder1483 Жыл бұрын
$10 says she lied and made an excuse for her shi++y parenting. How the hell does one maintain a façade of cold indifference to one’s beloved child…. year after year after year, decade after decade….
@farziltheweebo4841 Жыл бұрын
I got beaten up because I came 2nd in my class
@rodrigobelinchon2982 Жыл бұрын
What a marvelous feeling to be proud of your parents. I WISH I knew that feeling.
@NOOBCRASTINATOR69 Жыл бұрын
Mankind is not a blessing afterall
@white6505 Жыл бұрын
indeed
@hakimdiwan5101 Жыл бұрын
I sometimes wonder what it's like to grow up in a loving and nurturing family which isn't plagued by financial hardships and metal issues.
@andreaespinosa8003 Жыл бұрын
Me too
@mollysmith8627 Жыл бұрын
Mood.
@Jianju69 Жыл бұрын
No beatings? Must've been nice.
@MsGenXodus Жыл бұрын
Me too.
@hakimdiwan5101 Жыл бұрын
@@Jianju69 This ain't funny 😒
@Dagrizzb Жыл бұрын
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." Oscar Wilde
@theschooloflifetv Жыл бұрын
You can watch our film on Oscar Wilde here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fsCfiM9-173Zc4k.html&vl=en-GB
@rixx46 Жыл бұрын
I wonder if he said this after he was estranged from them by their mother. After he went to prison, he never saw them again.
@Dagrizzb Жыл бұрын
@@rixx46 It's from his book, The Portrait of Dorian Gray. Published in 1890. He was imprisoned in 1895.
@DT-hx4gz Жыл бұрын
My mom wasn't "bad" but troubled. She would've been an amazing mom if she had went to therapy for a bit before having us young. She was a beautiful soul nonetheless 💕
@theschooloflifetv Жыл бұрын
This is a very wise and empathetic perspective to have. And we would always recommend therapy for prospective - or current - parents, no matter how secure in themselves they feel.
@anotherone3666 Жыл бұрын
Such kind words demonstrate emotional intelligence. Good for you
@hakimdiwan5101 Жыл бұрын
Imagine having bad and troubled mom 😥
@onemorechris Жыл бұрын
this resonates
@esterhudson5104 Жыл бұрын
Sounds like she has a nice kid.😌
@Abdysch Жыл бұрын
What makes understanding your childhood extremely harder: parents, who keep on insisting they were the best and did everything for you, and you are just "a piece of ungrateful sh**". and I am constantly in doubt, was it their behavior or my own sick mind, that made my childhood so dull, full of pain, loneliness and rejection
@brynfisher8019 Жыл бұрын
Definitely your parents fault. Don't ever doubt yourself again, you know what you experienced and no-one can tell you you're wrong about how you experienced something. If they were believe they're the best they need a straight jacket. Manipulative people try to get in your head and make you doubt yourself. My mother said the same thing, can't be the best when all your children are suicidal and addicts (speaking of myself and siblings btw).
@slksol Жыл бұрын
Revisionist history... My parents have every reason in the book for why rage and emotional volatility towards and around their children was justified. I wish I had a better memory or journaled more to confirm, even as a moody teenager, that I wasn't the problem...
@brynfisher8019 Жыл бұрын
@@slksol you wasn't the problem. No such thing as bad kids just bad parents!
@tracesprite6078 Жыл бұрын
I am very grateful to my adult daughter because she sometimes tells me about kind, creative or fun things I did for her and her siblings. In my old age, it's such a relief to know that I got some things right.
@muppelmuh1445 Жыл бұрын
Yeah, my mother places that expectation on me to do the same. Sometimes openly and sometimes strongly implied. I refuse. Sorry. It's not my job to make her feel better about herself. My job is to heal from the trauma my childhood inflicted on me.
@tracesprite6078 Жыл бұрын
@@muppelmuh1445 I am so sorry to think about the trauma you experienced, and I respect your decision to concentrate on healing it.
@nekomomolp 9 ай бұрын
You sound like such a sweetheart. I have personally had the exact opposite experience, of parents assuming they did everything brilliantly and not wanting to hear about a single thing that was not good. Your humility is a sign of maturity and honestly having tried your best. I think projecting arrogance and overconfidence while rejecting any possibility of mistakes/failures shows big insecurities.
@AishwaryaM-nu6jm Жыл бұрын
I'm so lucky I have a dad who's scored a flat 120. Mom probably 105. Forever grateful 🌷
@alicegrace13 Жыл бұрын
Still coming to terms that i have infact had a troubled childhood. Psychological abuse, neglect, emotional dumping, manipulation. I don't know what to say but I'm here trying to accept the reality as it is.
@edmundtrebus4084 Жыл бұрын
Do you still have contact with them?
@joannaricardo7853 Жыл бұрын
I'm in that same boat my friend...
@alicegrace13 Жыл бұрын
@@edmundtrebus4084 yeah, I'm 21, in med school so even though I wish I could cut off contact i can't. I've gone as low contact as I can at the moment though and that helps but those phone calls once in a while leave me feeling like shit.
@Ryan-xh7pe Жыл бұрын
but you made it to today and that’s what we should be grateful for, we still have chances to live and love even if our past is muddled. living in the present really helps with letting things in the past go, kindness is key
@edmundtrebus4084 Жыл бұрын
@@alicegrace13 Best thing to do is concentrate on education and build your life. Good luck. Expect people to get jealous - ignore it
@iliavko Жыл бұрын
Congrats parents, you got a straight 10. Out of 120...
@JTheSpearman Жыл бұрын
I think this list is missing one essential step. My parents let me be independent. So many kids grow up with all the factors above, but still fail to become fully functional adults, because their parents never let them be independent. They never got to explore their own interests and find what they truly enjoy
@ap3008 Жыл бұрын
That is so true…
@human7491 Жыл бұрын
PERIODDDDD
@EmmaJ_462 Жыл бұрын
On the flip side of that could be 'too much' independence, with no guidance or rules at all. That could even dip towards neglect, forcing you to be "independent" as just a child.
@delphinephin2493 Жыл бұрын
@@EmmaJ_462 True and that's why parenting is bloody hard! I think it's about 'guiding' children towards independence from dependence. I felt that my parents did this too abruptly. They were very supportive of my academic pursuits but then trusted me to know how to find a good career path after studying. I could have done with more of a steer at that point instead of trust alone!
@2-d_in_a_bag Жыл бұрын
My mom sheltered and infantilized me like crazy and the results have been terrible.
@lesliewit Жыл бұрын
My mom scored a 75. I didn't score my dad as he was hardly there before he passed away. In considering the fact that she was a single mother raising four children on her own with very little familial support or intervention I'd say that that was a pretty good. The areas where she struggled the most were really about time and energy which she honestly had none of outside of basic survival. This kind of thing always reminds me about how much support we need to give to parents so they can be present and showing up positively for their own children.
@Masterdebator881 Жыл бұрын
Don’t you think she would have been a “better” mom if she chose to have fewer children?
@Ice.muffin Жыл бұрын
@@Masterdebator881 No meanness intended, but I was thinking the exact same thing. Why, just why, do so many people choose/agree to/simply have several children if they don't have the minimal conditions to raise them. That includes thinking of their own well-being obvs. I'll never understand and don't even want to, just keep myself very far away from such situations.
@Falconlibrary Жыл бұрын
My mom scored a 20 and my dad scored a 0. Would your mom be open to adopting a sixty year old man? I won't need an allowance and I can do my own laundry.
@crimsonsr20 Жыл бұрын
My parents didn't fair very well. My childhood was filled with strife and uncertainty. I was born into a poor economic background, a father who was an alcoholic, and a mother who was indifferent to my fathers abuse of me and my brother. I still managed to somehow develop compassion and empathy. However, I won't deny nor hide that my childhood has negatively impacted how I handle certain things. I believe, that as we come into our own though, that its our jobs as individuals, to decide whether we want to play the victim card, blame all the horrible things that happened to us and continue the vicious cycle, or if we want to be better for ourselves and preferably do things differently with our children.
@Felineintuition Жыл бұрын
Why can't it be both? I can be a victim that is slowly healing. I can blame my parents for the situations they put me in, for their lack of maturity, wisdom and empathy and also keep in mind how they got to be that way. Just because there's a reason, it doesn't take away the blame and all that's happened. This "victim card" is actually someone unable to get past that pain and start their journey, someone hurting so much that it's the only consistent thing in their life, sort of like a worn blanket carried from childhood. No one chooses to hurt just for the fun of it and if they weponise it, it's because they're in too much pain to see any other way. Is it right? No. But is it keeping them alive and sometimes even helps them function? Yes.
@crimsonsr20 Жыл бұрын
@@Felineintuitionthere's nothing wrong with being a victim. No one chooses to have had to expierence something traumatic. However, letting that trauma define you for the rest of your life, isn't conductive to your own self healing. Letting go of that pain isn't easy. I myself am still struggling with this. I am however, trying my best to move forward and make sure that I don't let the cycle continue. Many people never do this and even end up becoming the same thing their abusers were to them. Nothing ever justifies the abuse something puts you through. However its our job to begin the healing process
@Felineintuition Жыл бұрын
@@crimsonsr20 I agree completely. Having said that, it is not my place to judge anyone for holding on to their trauma. Some people just can't ease their grip on it. They hold it so tightly it becomes a defining part of them. It's sad and frustrating but... at the end of the day, I must accept that not everyone is ready for healing.
@Francesco_M. Жыл бұрын
I don't have children, nor any kind of partner; that's one way to break the negative cycle.
@user-ajp-4891 Жыл бұрын
I didn’t need a test to know they scored all zeros. But thanks for the affirmation.
@adamplentl5588 Жыл бұрын
Are you me?
@andreaespinosa8003 Жыл бұрын
Are you 2 me?
@zlatkajupe Жыл бұрын
My mom loved us fiercely. She had her addiction and mental health issues. But I recognize that she lost her father when she was very young, and her mother was extremely toxic. She was my best friend. I miss her every day. She wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect to me ❤
@stacylytle4930 Жыл бұрын
This is not going to go well for a lot of people
@theschooloflifetv Жыл бұрын
This is not an exercise in rehearsing grievances. It's a method of understanding the particular ways we were shaped - or misshaped - by our childhoods.
@tamax229 Жыл бұрын
Dont blame. Rather let go :) Good luck
@tracik1277 Жыл бұрын
@@tamax229 Don’t blame but place responsibility where it is due.
@Deeplycloseted435 Жыл бұрын
As I age, my perception of my parents changes dramatically. As a small child, you idolize them. Then one day puberty starts, and suddenly they know nothing. Then its decades of realizing they were correct about a lot, that despite not being perfect, when truly needed they were there. I have a teenager now, and this experience makes me feel admiration for my parents. Its just not that easy.
@CL-we8tn Жыл бұрын
Jip. Karma comes back. Lol. I feel the same.
@ghairox Жыл бұрын
Idolize -> demonize -> humanize
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
In agreeance with what you just said, I figured out something truly fascinating about all the things my parents said to me when I was young and it seemed incredably stupid. They had real deep wisdom, but it wasnt stored intellectually. They were hostage to their own ability to communicate. They literally could not *express* their own wisdom in a coherently acceptable way. Looking back, I realize that deep into the layers of subtext was the thing even they didnt know they were trying to say. And before you think they were just bad communicators, no they were really good communicators. Communicating wisdom takes a specific type of skill though. I think thats alot of the source of the teen parent problem.
@CL-we8tn Жыл бұрын
@@wingit7335 remorse and forgiveness are both expensive to gift to someone and the price is sometimes too high for the people involved at that time. But time goes on, when we know better, we do better, when we're just getting by, we realize that we are not better people, we just do some things better. At the end of the day, we are as flawed as many generations before us. Then we are humbled by the achievements of the same people we thought of as 'not good enough'. Even though your babies might never tell you this truth, it remains true and they know you tried your best. At the end of the day whether we believe in karma or God or both, we all return to the source, and we are all exactly the same to the source, nobody is better or worse. Tuck in your wings little angel and stand tall.
@isabelsaavedra7947 Жыл бұрын
My mom scored 17 and I didn't score my dad because most of the time he was disconnected from parenthood. He was there, he was the provider but he left in the hands of my mom all of our education/process of becoming individuals. So yeah, those were not the best hands to take care of us as they were full of wounds.
@annagoldman1163 Жыл бұрын
‘’Courage taught me no matter how bad a crisis gets ... any sound investment will eventually pay off."
@danromero533 Жыл бұрын
Making it out at a young age is quite difficult. I started a side hustle at 17, saved up and made some good investments. l'm 28,live on my own and having a good life for myself. Big ups to you and everyone out there trying
@hoshifuyo4494 Жыл бұрын
Sounds like plan, how do you put money to work?
@danromero533 Жыл бұрын
@@hoshifuyo4494 Yes it sure is. I put in money in investments and get profits. That 's how I make more money without working. This does not sound new to you right ?
@hoshifuyo4494 Жыл бұрын
@@danromero533 Thanks for replying me, I've heard so many people talk about investment but none had said how to do it right.
@twinfred3160 Жыл бұрын
Am hoping on you can explain more on how you make extra income from investments
@becoming_real7385 Жыл бұрын
I think all future parents should go through these types of test, to be informed ahead how much distress they can cause to their children and fail as a parent even with the best intention.
@ohrul8too477 Жыл бұрын
My parents scored 112. They’re my best friends and growing up I always remember feeling loved and supported. I never felt like I had to keep anything away from them because I knew I wouldn’t be judged and ridiculed. They aren’t perfect people but they’re close to it.
@anneis8319 Жыл бұрын
That is so amazing. I can't actually imagine how that would feel considering my parents scored 20.
@indrinita Жыл бұрын
I'm so happy for you. Everyone deserves that and I wish very much I knew what the feeling of having good parents and a good childhood was like. My parents also scored 20.
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
It horrifies me that wanting a better life for your children, and being happy when you are surpassed by them, requires "Strength" for some people.
@hipsterimagestudios6349 Жыл бұрын
I was 27 when I learned that my grandpa wasn't really my true grandpa but rather my dad's adopted stepdad. He sent me a text today from his hospital bed saying, " Hope you get the job the world should know how great you are!" After a job interview. Getting older I feel lucky to have parents like that. My grandfather was an orphan, and my dad was too, and I never knew until I was well into adulthood. They didn't even make a big deal out of it other than they just wanted better of their son.
@srikrishnajay Жыл бұрын
🫂
@humanpersonne Жыл бұрын
Parents are put on a pedestal by the society and it's almost a taboo to even entertain the idea that they could have been horrible to their own children and that it is justified for the child to have grudges, resentment and anger against them. This comment section seems like a testament to the same. No one is telling people to abdicate all responsibility and blame bad parents for everything wrong in one's life. But, it is absolutely justified if one does blame them for the part that those parents played in hurting, damaging, scarring the child. Parents are people. And people are not infallible.
@m2pozad Жыл бұрын
This exercise is not really a parent grading session, grades are for the people graded. It's a method for seeing the genesis of one's issues.
@humanpersonne Жыл бұрын
@@m2pozad exactly. If only more people made the effort to understand this instead of going balistic on the poster.
@f.-j.j.5738 Жыл бұрын
I was born in a very poor country. Our survival depended on my Dad working almost constantly. There wasn't social services or welfare or food stamps. The only wall between us and starvation was my Dad. So I didn't see him much when growing up but I knew how much he loved us every day he went out to fight with life for us. Mom did plenty of nurturing. We realize how great our parents were when we realize how much they sacrificed for us to simply exist.
@srikrishnajay Жыл бұрын
💚💙
@Masterdebator881 Жыл бұрын
Umm,it’s from their own selfish endeavors that you even exist. Parents are supposed to care for their offspring! It’s basic understanding, not an achievement.
@f.-j.j.5738 Жыл бұрын
@@Masterdebator881 It is an achievement where I come from. Lots of kids die before they reach their 5th birthday. We have the worst infant mortality. If my parents did the bare minimum, I would not be here. They did have to take care of us but they didn't have to sacrifice to the extent that they did. For that, I am grateful.
@Masterdebator881 Жыл бұрын
@@f.-j.j.5738 Grateful for what exactly? To be alive? Is the suffering worth it to you?
@MiiSsMiiNa Жыл бұрын
Scored 16. My body was spared from abuse. That's it. Healing was and is hard and will be a lifetime challenge. But it was worth fighting for, every single day. It is so easy to play the victim card at first glance, but the price is higher. If you have someone to talk to, do it. Even talk to strangers (I did that, tbh) Always remember, the healing is an up and down path..but will always be worth it. I love you, from the bottom of my heart ❤
@hereigoagain5050 Жыл бұрын
Best video on being a parent. All new parents should be given the scorecard and asked, "How will your child fill it out in 30 years?"
@sadmimikyu8807 Жыл бұрын
I read the book: the emotionally unavailable mother and there was a section like you show in the video and there was not one point.. not one. Then there was a section about abuse. Well she almost ticked every box in that section. That hurts. A lot. I am so broken and it will take my whole life to sort this out.
@mariacristescu Жыл бұрын
You are not broken,you are PERFECT,you are mending,heal one second at the time!!
@yasser3378 Жыл бұрын
i made 16/120 always knew i had it hard growing up living with my mom as a child of divorced parents, but i never thought it would be this bad using such a scale.
@martindjambov7289 Жыл бұрын
28/120, pretty bad as well
@MsFanpireProductions Жыл бұрын
@@wingit7335 I’m guessing you have not experience what 16 out of 120 parenting feels like
@martindjambov7289 Жыл бұрын
@@wingit7335 i mean yeah it is reality, but you have not experienced it yet,or thats what i think because of your reaction to my information.
@heartsDmise Жыл бұрын
Mine was 22/120 for my mom and 37/120 for my dad, but my dad has never really been in my life so those scores were for how he presented himself in person when he was around me. Otherwise he’d be a 0.
@aamnahere6250 Жыл бұрын
While it does help with people who've been gaslit by their parents into realizing they weren't crazy for carrying deep and unfulfilled pain from their childhood which is very important, the knowledge itself does not mitigate the suffering. We carry a gaping hole in our souls and eagerly try to fill it because we genuinely feel we're unworthy of pure, uncomplicated and healthy love. When our parents inflict their own misery on us and blame us for their own issues in life while making it clear with their actions that we're not valued, we're raised in an emotionally chaotic environment which makes us question our self worth. If those who are biologically meant to love us couldn't do it then are we worth it after all. Therapy can help in many ways but childhood emotional trauma does alter the default setting of our minds from secure to deep insecurity so while therapy provides us with ways to deal with it, in challenging moments we are still brought back to our default setting of wondering whether we're worth anything at all.
@piyalichowdhury4438 Жыл бұрын
I wonder how it feels like to be emotionally nutured, taken care of and soothed by your parents
@anneis8319 Жыл бұрын
I wonder that to
@markghatas8630 Жыл бұрын
I have friends who have had this love growing up. They have much lower levels of anxiety and depression, and are not as inclined to care about what other people think. They do not have bad habits that those who had miserable upbringings often have: porn addiction, food addiction, drug addiction. They are also much more emotionally stable.
@Leo-mr1qz Жыл бұрын
My mother was an emotionally neglectful, narristic, alcoholic, and my father was a workaholic. The book that comes to my mind after watching this short video is, "A Boy Called It." Disturbing story of neglect, yet, extremely educational. 😕
@QCDoggies Жыл бұрын
Ugh, I hear you.
@jaymiegill9506 Жыл бұрын
Same
@Leo-mr1qz Жыл бұрын
@@jaymiegill9506 I'm sorry to hear that. It's a hard existence to live. It was the prequil to my worst nightmare, but, I survived, and moved forward, and so can you. Take care of yourself, my friend. ☮️ ❣️
@Leo-mr1qz Жыл бұрын
@@QCDoggies I am sorry for your pain. 💔 As you know, it wasn't your fault. Please take care of yourself. 😇
@jaymiegill9506 Жыл бұрын
@@Leo-mr1qz I did too, moved on. She almost killed me - well, she did. I ended up taking drugs to heal and it fucked my brain forever, all because of her drinking. It’s hell. But my father is still alive and so I’ve moved in with him. Albeit too late. But I’m trying to just stay alive for him now. And when he goes, I can too… I tried my best. I just want to try one last treatment option before I make any decisions. In hindsight life wasn’t that hard with her cause I had myself, my dad and my passions. I just wish I never tried to save her and fuck myself up in the process. It’s a heartbreak that nobody will ever understand.
@_MC529 Жыл бұрын
I adore my parents for what they made possible with their given possibilities. While not perfect, it was certainly a big improvement from what they had to deal with. I'm certainly very glad that they have brought my sibling and me into this world, even if the world still can sometimes seem cruel or unjust. I am quite happy to be alive.
@AA.PF1 Жыл бұрын
My Mother, on May 10 2021, said to me in a text message "If you were not my daughter I would never want you in my life." that was the last time I communicated with my mother. Prior to her vile words I cannot remember the last time she hugged me or said "I love you"...to anyone. I have no intentions on ever seeing her again and do not (now) regret this intention. I immediately got into therapy and although I could not at times pay for sessions and struggled because of this commitment I am incredible grateful I struggled and suffered to get though it. I cannot wait to have a family of my own because I have a surplus of love for some little boy or girl. I cannot wait to show them how to love. Anyway, It was the absolute last straw from her for me. My father was never there. Neither of my parents deserved the children they got. not one bit. My parents are in the negative with their test results.
@edmundtrebus4084 Жыл бұрын
Same. My family were cruel. I cut them out. It's hard because you know you'll never see them again. Even if they were horrible it's a strange feeling.
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
@@edmundtrebus4084 You made the right choice cutting them out though. No one has the right to abuse you, not even family members.
@AA.PF1 Жыл бұрын
@@wingit7335 i haven't gotten to the point were i feel this isn't my mother and fathers fault. I haven't matured enough yet to really understand that i still though feel like it is a bit of an excuse to accept that type of disregard. Im still in therapy and can see the light now at the end of the tunnel stay strong xo
@Voidsworn Жыл бұрын
As much as my parents tried to be good, and in some ways were, I think a single instance I recall 20+ years ago, around the age of 18 or 19 makes them...not good enough. I remember breaking down in my room at my adoptive mother and saying I wanted to die, them to die, someone to die... and nothing.
@BardiXOfficial Жыл бұрын
I miss my dad a lot, he may have shielded me from life’s troubles, but it’s because he was looking out too much for me and I appreciate it, with him resting in peace, I’m taking his role, and it’s teaching me a lot, R.I.P dad.
@americo_san Жыл бұрын
I could do this thing and hold my parents accountable. But from my point of view and personal experience, it's a "zero-sum" sh*it thing to do. You get the results, sit on a corner and cry, living in bitterness and h*ting them even more. But, have you ever thought about how the relationship with their parents was? What about their grandparents? After a good research, I've discovered my parents didn't have love or comprehension from their parents and so on. They weren't able to teach me anything because they haven't experienced it. It's really easy to blame them now, but we don't give what we don't receive. At least for me, I needed to understand, MOVE ON, and learn this from other circles. It isn't easy but really worth the effort. P.S. Sorry for my English
@nil3413 Жыл бұрын
Both of my parents scored a 0! Way to go, guys!
@tamax229 Жыл бұрын
Is 0 option ? If so mine did 2 not 14....
@wtfisthisshizz Жыл бұрын
Congrats to them both! If it was possible my dad would score like -100.
@anisah8546 Жыл бұрын
It's hard to evaluate both my parents at the same time, because they had radically different approaches. Edit: This was eye opening to say the least; my mum scored 100, while my dad scored 3!
@DeeDee-un6pi Жыл бұрын
Lol, just 3!
@rosepinkskyblue Жыл бұрын
I feel you
@paulopaulada3920 Жыл бұрын
103 then, congrats
@anisah8546 Жыл бұрын
@@paulopaulada3920 yeah, better to see the glass half full! :)
@Me97202 Жыл бұрын
My parents were deeply flawed and damaged people. I forgive them, but I’m still reminded everyday of the damage they caused to me. In spite of plenty of therapy.
@talasdaveable Жыл бұрын
70 total with high standard deviation. Some areas scored high, others scored low. Thank you for helping me see these. Now I have more knowledge on what I need to work on.
@sunnybein1 Жыл бұрын
People can only act from their own level of consciousness (that includes parents). You can't change your childhood..you can only change by becoming you. Acceptance of what is..helps us to let go.
@ap3008 Жыл бұрын
That’s the conclusion I reached too. I can’t change the past or them. And I can’t tell them what they did wrong because they aren’t able to hold it and I would only achieve hurting them. So, I focus on learning to let go caring about their opinion of me and carving my own path
@sunnybein1 Жыл бұрын
@@ap3008 Acceptance is freeing…it is what it is❤️
@joannaricardo7853 Жыл бұрын
Lol wow my parents score was far below the 60 mark, I'm not surprised. But thankfully I have not repeated the way I was treated to my own children. I've strived to be the exact opposite. And sometimes It is difficult going from having an absolutely unloving childhood, to becoming a loving caring parent. And somehow becoming a good parent yourself!? It's amazing that's possible at all. I am so proud I'm nothing like my parents. But Thank you for these liberating talks! They mentally set you free from that deep pain. Your one of the only ppl out there trying to help ppl like me, and for absolutely free. That's incredible! I admire this group of ppl 🥰 Your truly helping humanity with these edifying videos! And That's something hardly anyone is doing. Thank you!
@davecsaszarable Жыл бұрын
You’re not alone! We are lucky that all this information is out there and that mental health is the best there’s ever been.
@joannaricardo7853 Жыл бұрын
@@davecsaszarable so true!
@MalcolmCookInk Жыл бұрын
Children show their parents unconditional love. How parents respond to that love is all about them, definitively... Be all you can be.
@SRHisntSilent Жыл бұрын
A very insightful list 🤯 I already know my parents weren't ideal but I'll still write this down. My mother continues to invalidate my concerns about my upbringing and her physically and emotionally abusing me. She says I'm focusing on the past too much but she hasn't changed much. She hasn't hit me for years but she did reflexively raise her hand at me when i was 24. I can't talk to my father about my mental health issues. Actually neither of them have the wherewithal to accept that i still feel deeply hurt by them in the past *and* constantly invalidating me and my emotions in the present. Off topic: This is the best video she ever narrated so thanks.
@skybluskyblueify Жыл бұрын
How do I evaluate parents that didn't know I was autistic and had conflicts with me when I didn't react how they thought kids are supposed to act? How do I judge someone that thought I was the black sheep of the family early in life? I hated being touched so they thought I did not love them.
@salsafanable Жыл бұрын
my parents scored 98 Even though I often complain about their actions, after thinking about this trough the video and reading comments about people who truly struggled with great things because of their parents, I just feel so grateful and I wish everyone who find themselves in horrible situations like that to be happy and safe. :( I hope everyone figures it out with their parents
@nabieladrian Жыл бұрын
As much grateful I have for having parents who successfully grow me as their kids, I'm finally able to say they're not successful to develop me into an actual person beyond just their kids... I know they love me, but just as their kids, not for the person I actually am...
@toboldygo5823 Жыл бұрын
All tens when it comes to my parents. I know they loved me and I loved them ❤❤❤❤❤ I understood that one of my parents grew up in the midst of a world war came to America and I know my grandparents on both sides went to a lot of hardships in World War I. My wife’s parents and grandparents went through basically the same exact thing❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@2-d_in_a_bag Жыл бұрын
Mom's test results: 3/10. Mom could make you feel loved and wanted, but it isn't entirely genuine. 2/10. She could sound genuinely worried about you and her hugs felt comforting, but in reality she was using my struggles to undermine me and gaslight me into thinking I'm mentally unstable. 1/10. Nope. I couldn't have a single curiosity she was uncomfortable with. God forbid an eight-year-old knows where babies come from! 6/10. I'm sure she was glad when things went well. 2/10. She infantilized me and treated me like a dog. Rewarding me for doing what she wanted, punishing me when things didn't go her way. She made my sister into her therapist, even though she had enough money to afford a professional. She was emotionally abusive to Dad, who became too depressed to function for several years because of her. Mom must've known what she was doing, but didn't care enough to stop. She just couldn't help herself. 1/10. She blatantly projected her problems onto me. I have a bunch of complexes and a world of self-loathing and harsh judgement in my head and it's all her fault. She'll never accept responsibility for it either. 1/10. Mom NEEDED admiration. The whole house revolved around her, and we were isolated from each other. She was genuinely shocked I sided with Dad when she cheated on him. 5/10. I don't exactly know what this means. Like unpredictable? Trying too hard to be fun? 4/10. She could be playful sometimes, but she sheltered me so much that "fun" was leaving the house for something other than school or walking the dog. 2/10. Hardly any boundaries. During fights, she messaged my friends and partner for me because I was scared to screw it up. Also she didn't knock. 1/10. She pretty much always instigated our arguments. I never wanted to argue because even if I were right I never won the fight. 3/10. She asked me if I ever stopped talking. Mom scored 31/120.
@muppelmuh1445 Жыл бұрын
I had trouble with the checklist as my parents ways varied depending on how much stress they had from the outside world. And then I realized that I was making excuses for them and that it's the under stress ways that count because that's when you as a parent fall back on autopilot and that's the part that they will pass on, the autopilot. Not the one odd weekend where life was alright. And even though I feel that I took circumstances into account and did rate not harshly I arrived at 31. And I think in those 31 I mixed intent with outcome, like, I don't think they actively and consciously tried to fuck me up and so I judged mildly.
@mindfulnesswithmatt Жыл бұрын
great point, the "love" can ebb and flow depending on the family's circumstance, another reason to remind ourselves of the larger picture and not get honed in on specific instances of bad
@JW-uq9yt Жыл бұрын
My parents' overall score is below 10 , I don't know if I shall laugh or cry for my miserable childhood.
@JW-uq9yt Жыл бұрын
@@wingit7335 nonsense
@margo3367 Жыл бұрын
My mom did the best she could. At times, I wasn’t sure about her love and then she could surprise me by doing something so loving. She worked and that was her main thing. I think you could say she was driven, ambitious to the extreme. At this time in my life, having grown children, I would be more concerned about how I would score.
@atnoc8738 Жыл бұрын
Mum 105, dad 27. It's wonderful when you grow and start to realize what traumas you and your parents have. However, just because you understand the context of their attitudes, it doesn't make them acceptable.
@markghatas8630 Жыл бұрын
My father was very abusive to me and my older brother growing up. After my parents split up when I was 10, all the responsibilities of providing for us was shifted onto my mum. I can confidently say she wasn’t ready for it. She became very aggressive, and the household was chaotic and toxic, full of hate between my 4 siblings. My mum often told us that she wished we would die and go to hell, she punched me in the face more than once. But at other times, she would cook us all a delicious and warm meal and take us out on trips to amazing places. She struggled financially also. I now understand, that she wasn’t a bad person, she was just troubled. And troubled people make awful parents. I dont blame her anymore. It took a lot of maturing to understand that nobody is truly at fault. But it’s time to break this cycle of suffering.
@ChelliChan Жыл бұрын
My mom raised me as a single parent but was distant with me not because of emotional issues but physical ones. I remember vividly her being plagued with migraines to the point that the doctor would give her shots of morphine and she would have to drive us both home as quickly as possible, occasionally having to pull over to throw up, before the morphine kicked in and made her unable to drive. It's hard knowing that she didn't do this intentionally but the effects are still there. I'm incredibly self sufficient to the point of being a loaner simply because she wasn't involved much in my childhood and that's how I learned to cope.
@srikrishnajay Жыл бұрын
🫂
@gmarie598 Жыл бұрын
I grew up in a single parent household and my Mom had mental illness and was suicidal so I grew up being very depressed. I had to grow up fast, my survival depended on it. I really wished she would've gone to therapy and tried to get some support for her mental illness but she refused to address her trauma and that actually caused my siblings and I to experience more trauma. She's still in denial about how her mental health issues affected our childhood.
@Masterdebator881 Жыл бұрын
Ditch her.
@srikrishnajay Жыл бұрын
🫂
@Chow18ggrace Жыл бұрын
Both my parents were abusive to certain degree now I’m dating a man 25 years my senior so I could be a child again. He protects me from my tantrum and very patience with me. We both have abusive parents and somehow, we seems to grow together. I’m not sure if this is the happy ending but at least I’m happy now
@ollyb7570 Жыл бұрын
Had a good friend who had beautiful loving, supportive caring parents. He had a tough time in later life feeling like an underachiever in work and love…mainly as he was shy and a bit geeky. I think he felt worse comparing himself to his dad who was, by comparison, cool and confident (played in a pub band). Long story short he saw a psychiatrist for depression and they put the idea in his head it was his parent’s fault..and he became bitter and distanced himself from them. Made me question the value of psychiatry ever since.
@grinningdarling Жыл бұрын
You will never know what lies behind the public eyes. My parents are honorable and kind from outside eyes. However at home, I never understood why people say childhood is the most carefree amd happy moments in our lives. All i know was pain. Behind closed doors my parents were abusive.
@lesliewit Жыл бұрын
Knowing what I know about narcissism and parenting I'm skeptical of whether or not he actually had loving and supporting parents.
@byoung255 Жыл бұрын
Psychiatrists aren't very good therapists. The idea is not be bitter or distance themselves from parents, but be curious and compassionate. It can be hard with strong emotions involved.
@edmundtrebus4084 Жыл бұрын
Looks like they got themselves a customer for life
@grinningdarling Жыл бұрын
@@byoung255 being compassionate can also be towards one self by distancing themselves from their abusers. Forcing and shaming someone for not forgiving their abusers is in itself abusive.
@prasangurung2517 Жыл бұрын
i , after adding up total score , can conclude that i was adopted by my parents .
@brynfisher8019 Жыл бұрын
You sound like my sister, she insists she is adopted
@OldUncleDan Жыл бұрын
I was raised by an old man who was raised by an even older man I was screamed at for falling off my bike I was pushed down and told to fight when I wanted to go out with my friends when I wasn't allowed too I lived in my room and rarely left out of fear I have my issues with the man but I still love him like a father he tried his best he was better then he had and I will be better then what I had the cycle ends with me
@tomfrommichigan Жыл бұрын
I grew up feeling like I had roommates who paid the bills.
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
Alot of parents are like that
@IshikaShanai Жыл бұрын
This. This is exactly what I went through too.
@emely1810 Жыл бұрын
Yes me too, but mine happened to be extremely manipulative on top of that
@friendlybaby1 Жыл бұрын
I'd look in envy at friends who had warm and supportive households; whose parents weren't so involved with their own issues that my siblings and I were more or less after-thoughts each day. When I have tried to explain to my mum how damaging the environment was her response was "what are you complaining about, you weren't sexually abused". This is true and so I thanked her very much for not molesting me. It's taken a long time to get even near the bottom of what went wrong for me and I've struggled with addiction and risky behaviour my whole adult life as a consequence. I also made the decision not to have any children of my own because I knew I wasn't well enough equipped to do a good job. I do wonder about the wonderful feeling it would be to love a child of mine, but I'll never know this love and this is just as well. It's just not worth the risk of damaging someone else. My heart goes out to all you people who have experienced the same.
@giuliacleti5950 Жыл бұрын
My heart goes out to you, even if I don't know anything about your adult life. I think you could really be a quite good parent and not a damaging one. You surely would do a lot of other mistakes, as any parent does, but not let your child feel unseen because you know how it does feel. When I found myself pregnant I was terrified, I cried for days because I were sure I would be a careless and unattuned mother. In other words dangerous. My husband said that we just had to help each other to do our best. So please don't let your fears win!
@friendlybaby1 Жыл бұрын
@@giuliacleti5950 Thank you
@Matt-mj9yy Жыл бұрын
My Parents were awesome and im proud of that, they are the best in the world, It May sound weird for someone Who Is currently 20 Years old, but from what I've seen in the comments is that a lot of people haven't had the luck that I have had and I feel sorry for them, maybe because in south America is more common that we get along better with our families. Anyway, I hope that whatever is reading this comment could have a better relationship in the future with their parents 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
@andreaespinosa8003 Жыл бұрын
💖💖
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
Hey, thats awesome.
@onemorechris Жыл бұрын
not enough people ask themselves ‘if’ they should have kids, rather than ‘when’.
@gailyhanna510 Жыл бұрын
We all do the best we can with what we are given, and our parents did the same. Hopefully, we all heal, and instill self-love into our own children, and let go of any blame towards our parents.
@LearnKirtan Жыл бұрын
💯
@billd9667 Жыл бұрын
My dad seemed to be doing all he could to undo my mom’s best efforts. His dad was an alcoholic. He was sober, but not very emotionally supportive. How unfortunate.
@DeeDee-un6pi Жыл бұрын
So sad
@denisabdullah1908 Жыл бұрын
I got 40. I get along with my mother pretty well and she's probably done the best she could to raise me. Maybe she a bit more demanding of me when I was younger, but overall I don't have any issues with her. I can't say the same for my father. All I remember is him always trying to put me down, control me in some way, embarass me, judge me for minor things, whatnot. At times he drinks too much and when he does, he becomes unbearable. He's never really been good towards me or my mother. That took its toll on my mental health and sence of self-worth.And with time I noticed that I have this anger towards my father building in me. Now I'm trying my best not to communicate much with him and often when I do, we tend to argue. I don't have any love towards that person, not even respect anymore. Just trying to get back the years I've wasted with that asshole and get my life in order.
@hanimay6843 Жыл бұрын
This is difficult cause my parents were very different from each other. My mom still tells me (I'm 39) that I'm the best thing she ever made and that she wanted me badly. My dad said he never wanted kids. Yet I was a daddy's girl. Both my parents had an abusive dad. The other thought we should also feel the abuse he suffered and the other said she wanted us to never feel it. Ye t I was never told they loved me and I did suffer quite a bit of physical and emotional abuse. My parents fought relentlessly and I was often in the middle physically and emotionally. I had a lot of abuse and violence in my childhood, some from parents and some from friends and other family. When my dad was dying I forgave him. Maybe it's wrong, but I did love that man. He showed me what kind of a man I shouldn't be with. He showed me a fickle love is no love at all. And he showed how untreated yet recognized mental illness is going to travel through generations whether we want it or not. I loved my dad for the good and even excellent times, but I know he was not a good man and I'm not shy to tell that to people when I talk about him. In closing ,my mother no matter how hard she tried wasn't and isn't much better. She might love me and even tell me that, but she drove my dad and our whole family into a dark hole with her aggression that is hard to come out of.
@hanimay6843 Жыл бұрын
I should say, if anyone cares, that I'm engaged to a man who had a beautiful childhood and whose parents are heroes to him. Somehow we mesh. I don't understand why, but at least now I have the unconditional love I always deserved. I work very hard every day to provide the same for him. Your past doesn't define you it just gives you extra spice. Be kind to yourself and your partner. We're all just humans.
@eye4eye162 Жыл бұрын
Life is like a relay run... With whatever you get good or bad make it a little bit better and pass it onto your kids... That's all we can do..
@anju8376 Жыл бұрын
my mother was 0/10 and i survived and today i thrive. i am grateful to have empathy and i will hopefully one day be a 10/10 mother to someone.
@GoblinsAreAGirlsBestFriend Жыл бұрын
"Bad parents" undoubtedly do serious damage that can cause a lot of work down the line, with that said, having good parents guarantees nothing - you can still come out of your childhood damaged, by them or others. My parents ticked all these "good" checkboxes, they were especially considerate of my feelings and autonomy and took me seriously and prepared me well for the world. That said, their marriage was awful, and has left me crippled through poor example of relationship dynamics with no boundaries for myself no matter how much therapy I have. Sometimes, parents being 'perfect' goes at the cost of their own relationship which in turn does its own damage.
@emilcioran8873 Жыл бұрын
Philip Larkin's poem "This be the verse" is THE greatest masterpiece ever written
@kasiamichalec2305 Жыл бұрын
Very eye opening video. My initial reaction was that my parents were very bad. After working through the questions they got 57 scores. It is still bad, but perhaps “not very bad”. On the first two questions they got low score. I guess this could play a role with my spontaneous feeling. I appreciate the content.
@mindfulnesswithmatt Жыл бұрын
it's funny how our narrative can overwhelm the other "not very bad" components, helpful this checklist takes us a step back!
@kasiamichalec2305 Жыл бұрын
@@mindfulnesswithmatt totally.
@ardidsonriente2223 Жыл бұрын
I have never wanted to have children. At first I didn't know why. Then I thought it was a merely rational thing. Then I saw such conviction had moral components too. Now I understand it is the way my psyche commited to end the bad cycle. It is a bit sad because now I feel I could be a great parent. But the connection isn't there. I'm too aware, too concerned and too tired to afford such responsability. I don't want to make more sad people like me.
@Karina-vl5vt Жыл бұрын
Single digits here. But fortified by the notion that past does not dictate future, at least not once you consciously begin working on it, and hopeful that one day I might experience the sort of love and stability that was denied to me as a child.
@AlpArslanTheSeljuk Жыл бұрын
For me as a young father, its easy to point out the mistakes of my parents, while the outcome of my parenthood isn't clear yet.
@Siss2012 7 ай бұрын
When I think of my father I vacillate between hatred and contempt, when I think of my mother I vacillate between contempt and pity.
@Roseflare Жыл бұрын
Good reminders to be a better parent. Trying to find a good balance with my two kids. My parents are divorced and we’re never really around, so I might be smothering my kids too much…
@michaelleblanc7283 Жыл бұрын
Had great parents. Have nothing but fond loving thoughts when I think of them. My only regret is what a terrible child I was.
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
Why were you terrible? Like what was your reason when you were the kid?
@michaelleblanc7283 Жыл бұрын
@@Elemblue2 Because I did not appreciate them as I should have when they were still alive.
@SoySigno Жыл бұрын
I give my mum a 10, and my beloved father a 20%. But I understand they both were fighting poverty. I also understand they came from families were love was not well known. And I know that love is my issue and an issue of these times. Times are different...
@kristannestone1748 Жыл бұрын
Very enlightening. I gave my parents an 8. That doesn't mean I didn't love them--I always will. It's just that they were very sad and angry characters. I still feel bad for them.
@buddybeetle Жыл бұрын
Neither of my parents ever once told me they loved me. My mother threw my father out, then me while I was still a teenager. I made my place in the world on my own without their guidance or support.
@abbykoop5363 Жыл бұрын
I never remember feeling loved, wanted, or safe. I mean, we had shelter and food, but if we cried we were punished. If we were loud we were shamed. If we got hurt we were ridiculed ("Oh for Pete's sake, what have you done now?"). I can "understand" that my parents didn't have good parenting either (my mom was an orphan at 3 and stayed with her various sisters until they escaped after the war and came to Canada). But understanding WHY it happened still doesn't really take the pain away. Especially if they don't see that they did anything "wrong" and won't acknowledge what I feel (because apparently I'm "ridiculous").
@renss2072 Жыл бұрын
Hope you’re doing okay
@vall3ygirl Жыл бұрын
i'm autistic and my dad was detached and mentally ill, my mom had no patience and was too strict and serious. no work all play. didn't allow me to be young. constant criticism because she tried to put me in a box when i tried to explore and create myself.
@angryjugplayer1884 Жыл бұрын
It's quite odd. I had two parents who were divorced and I went between them. One parent was very poor and had a horrible life and they should have had every reason to be a bad parent. The other parent was wealthy, had a standard upbringing, and would have had no excuse to be a bad parent. However the reality is the opposite. Only now that I've become an adult I realize how terrible, and how inexcusably terrible, one parent was, and how truly remarkable the other was. I've got a lot of problems now that I can directly relate to the bad parent and I can only try to figure out all the ways that I want to be a better parent when that time comes around for me.
@mikemuponda1781 Жыл бұрын
This is why we all need to constantly health check our emotional plumbing because with time we accumulate emotional junk that often gets through to our offspring directly or indirectly.
@edmundtrebus4084 Жыл бұрын
Maybe a 0- 15 score? The only positive scoring were 1) not demanding admiration (mainly because they weren't even around for that to happen) 2. Boundaries (I knew my place). There was no love. I guess I have a few good memories when it was a little normal. But they knew nothing about me and were not interested. I disowned them. But I got a baby girl now and she's the best thing that's ever happened. I don't get how you can't even like your own child.
@crowofcainhurst Жыл бұрын
I don't deny that anyone who chose to be a parent at least need to check some of the criteria above but let's not expect them to be an empath or angel incarnate to their children. Parents are still human too there are times where they can't always be the ideal figure for their children. I am not a parent myself but I have close ones who are parents and they struggle to be the best parent for their kids despite have trying to do their best. My parents also were far from ideal we had hard times when I was still a 6 year old and sometimes they can't fully "attune" to my needs but it doesn't give me an excuse to identify all of my current problems as childhood trauma rooted by how my parents raised me and throw all the blame on them. They are far from perfect but I always knew they were trying their best being good parents for their children and I appreciate it.
@Elemblue2 Жыл бұрын
Just knowing your parents are trying their best is enough to forgive and overcome almost anything.
@kupakralicesitarot7222 Жыл бұрын
My dad scored 30, my mom scored 102. Yes, I love my mom. I am lucky to have her.
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