The part about having child expectations in adult relationships really hit me. Every time I've tried to get emotional support and validation from friends I always end up feeling more hurt because it's never enough and just reinforces the belief that I will never be heard and my feelings don't matter.

1. Silence 2. Anger 3. Child-sized expectations 4. Villify

I realized about a year ago that I did this and now I'm totally alone. In a process now of learning from this, now forgiving myself and hopefully next step starting over with acceptance and appreciation.

I had a group of women I befriended when I moved to a new state. I had been doing social things with all of them for 2 years. I had to cancel going to a holiday party with this group because I got word that day that my son had been hospitalized. Not one of those women called to ask me if he was okay, what had happened, if I was okay, etc. I went the entire holiday season into the new year with just one generic group text to have a happy holiday. I ran into one of these women (I didn't reach out to any of them during this time because I was so hurt), and when she asked me why no one had heard from me I explained that I was so hurt that no one had reached out to me. Her comment was, "Oh, I kept meaning to ask if your son was okay!" It's been another 2 years since, and I really can't bring myself to trust in friendship anymore. It's sometimes easier to love my pets, and leave the humans alone!

I'm a dude: if a friend and I planned a definite trip and all the sudden the friend mentions a similar trip with a gf, with no "sorry, man, we'll head down there next time", I'm annoyed because it's odd and disrespectful.

I have been a therapist for many years and see CPTS clients on a regular basis. I recommend you often to them. You are so compassionate and clear, and inspire me so much with your insight. Thank you!

I see a lot of comments here that seem to think the takeaway from this video was that it's okay for friends to be inconsiderate, whereas what I took away is that it's okay for one to speak up and say how they really feel. I really like this video. I'm the type who pushes down her disappointment and can never find the words or the courage to tell someone that I'm happy for them for bummed out for myself because I don't want to ruin their mood. I really thank-you for giving me the example and words to help me say, "I'm happy for you, but I have to admit I a little bummed out for myself, but I don't want you to feel bad, I just need to express myself." To me, whether or not that friend is inconsiderate is irrelevant. Personally, I'm okay with someone like that in my life, because I've been flakey and inconsiderate a lot in my life so who am I judge others. But if that person isn't for you as a friend, then don't have them as a friend. That's cool, we all have different dealbreakers. What makes relationships difficult isn't the other people but my inability to express myself, and I totally ghost and disappear on people because of that. Thanks for this!

The idea of having friends is terrifying to me. So I have the fear of abandonment or rejection so strong that I don’t even want to start friendships. I definitely push people away on purpose.

I was diagnosed with BPD, but I relate to this video a lot. The trip to Mexico is a great example, because so many people had probably have a situation like that with a friend. It took me years to realize that my expectations in friendships were innappropriate. My typical reaction to this would be an ultimate feeling of betrayal and abandonment, which would result in me totally ghosting the person or slowly putting a distance between until we "naturally" drift away, because I would no longer find that person "trustworthy". In my specific case, I actually thought it was a plan, but the other person perceived it as a "loose plan". And I got that wrong in several other relationships where I thought talking about a plan means it will totally happen. But with time I realised peole often a say a lot of things when they´re in a good mood or just like to "fantasize" about things that would be great and don´t actually mean it. I stopped taking it so seriously and it really helped me with my constant dissapointment in other people. I realised that I struggled to emotionally separate a romantic partner and a friend. I felt like there had to be the same level of commitment, so I often ended many friendships, because I felt like "I am not important enough" to be their friend. It´s quite ridiculous when I look at it now after few years of therapy. The biggest struggle I currently have is to learn not to show the same level of commitment to my friends as I used to expect from them. It´s natural for me to drop everything and run to my friends when they need me, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I struggle to not people-please.

Boy did this hit home! Been battling with this for my whole life (60yrs). I did not grow up neglected, but struggle with being “important” to people.

I recently tried starting a friendship from a woman I met off a friends site, Bumble BFF. As soon as I started having doubts about whether or not we were good as friends, I started self-sabotaging without even realizing it. I started pushing them away with my addictions (showing up to our hangouts intoxicated), and only showing negative, cynical emotions. I focused on all of her negative traits as well as my own; how she’s better off without me, and I’m better off without her. Now she doesn’t call, and I’m not mad about it cause being lonely is the only feeling I feel comfortable with. 🤦‍♀️

This is a painful topic for me. I have been in these kinds of situations so many times in my life. Usually I would just not say anything and pretend as if everything is ok, while thinking that it`s probably my own fault that this friend doesn`t want to trust me or do those things with me that we have been talking about. Many times I would just make a quiet decision to work even harder to be a better friend myself. This could last for years, even decades, until I just couldn`t take the constant disappointment anymore and completely explode - seemingly out of nowhere for the other person. At this point of course all bridges are burned and the friendship destroyed forever. Now that I have gone through this pattern several times, I have learned to draw some boundaries. I don`t go deep into such "friendships" where plans are left vague like this. I want everything to be clear, so I know, what to expect. I don`t make these kinds of dreamy fantasy plans with anybody anymore. And I don`t trust people who throw around thoughts of all the fun things we could do together which they always seem to have completely forgotten the next day. If that "friend" forgets so easily, then most likely they never really meant what they said in the first place. Which in turn means that I don`t have to take them seriously either. Anybody can be an acquaintance, but in order to be accepted into my inner circle of friends you have to do better than that.

Agree to an extent, but the kind of female friend who drops you for her new fella, when plans have already been discussed, isn't worth hanging on to. Plus, she'll probably be looking you up when Mr. Right turns in to Mr. Wrong! Been there and crap-fitted to such mates' behaviour at the time. None of them were worth their salt as true friends in the end.

What great timing! My birthday was yesterday, I turned 61 and this morning I had the awakening that I care very little about myself because I make sure the other person feels good even though I've been hurt. 😭☹ My son would say "my mother was the kind of person that wouldn't be sad about you not calling her on her birthday but rather be sad that you would feel guilty about it"...WOW G how sad that I treat myself this way... I realized how little I love myself... Realizing the extent of my self-hatred and I feel so devastated that I do this to my little person inside! I'm the one that has abandoned myself all these years and I need to be kind to myself like I am to others I deserve that. Many epiphanies since watching your Channel Anna thank you so much for what you do ❤

Like most of Anna’s videos, it’s SO important that people watch the whole thing and really listen. Don’t get triggered by the examples she’s giving, it’s literally not happening right now… just learn what she’s teaching. (Felt a lot of YEAH BUT from time to time and had to stop myself from reacting… it doesn’t matter that the example isn’t the sort of conflict I dealt with with my friend, the lesson is EXACTLY the same.)

You've just given me a new outlook on my relationship with my sister. Instead of blaming her for treating me like our mother did, I'm going to imagine that she was hurt in some of the same ways. And try give her the love and encouragement we both needed. Wish me luck.

This is a perfect example for me & has helped me to clarify my reactions to some of my life events. I grew up poor & was told I had to start working at 11 years old to pay my way. We seldom vacationed but when we did it was driving vacations to a camp site. I worked my way through college & developed my career before choosing to marry. As destiny would have it, I married a Covert Narcissist just like my father. Part of the allure of my husband (besides the familiar relationship patterns) was that he had lived in Europe several times & had a lot of German friends. I made the big assumption that I would vacation in Europe on occasion. Every summer, I was the hostess to German family after German family for weeks at a time - but it was never "convenient" for my husband to take me to Germany & be their guest for once. My husband even went to Europe several times "on business trips" & explained that "it wouldn't work for me to meet him after the business was complete" for some reason or another. We eventually divorced (go figure) & I was very conscious of feeling used & held a lot of bitterness. Six years later when I inherited money, I made a conscious choice to go on 2 elaborate European vacations 2 summers in a row, in order to specifically address my feelings of bitterness & betrayal from my horrible marriage. I am proud of myself for finding the solution that allowed me to let go of that excruciating pain. Thank you for explaining all of this to me. ❤️

In this situation I would feel like the person not only remembered that we were going to go together, but now she's throwing in my face that not only is she not going to go with me, but she's going to go with someone she likes more than me--bragging even. I would have dumped her right after lunch. (But too, I might have asked her if she still intended on going with me also at another time.) It reminds me when I used to want something, like seeing my favorite musician in concert. My mom would go to the concert then come home and tell me my favorite artist wasn't that good. I really do have those childhood expectations you talk about, and I give that much in a relationship too--which is normally not appreciated as much as I think it ought to be--surely signs of childhood CPTSD. But honestly, I'd rather not have friends than have people to waste time with like this person. I may never change, but I'll think about the advice.

I am so guilty of this, not being able to regulate and 'disappearing' have been my way of regulating, it was never anything I ever thought of, I often thought people just didn't wan to be around me......never seen it for what it was. Still to this day I am pushing people away, so thank you for pinpointing this, now there is room for healing on this. Thank you Anna. x

American culture tends to favor the superficial, and so people who feel a deep well of emotions and work towards close, beautiful connection are often regarded as weird. That's not to say that Americans don't develop close connections ever, but, the culture tends to side with those people who are very extroverted and seem to cycle through many different people and don't seem to have emotional difficulties. In America we are always striving towards a mythical state of portraying the perfect image of being a person who doesn't have serious problems, with perfectly white teeth and always wearing the latest designer brands while smiling manically as we eat our salads and pose for random social media moments. There is a certain relief in just giving up on social expectations altogether and moving to Montana, which is the strategy that I took.

OMG, "child-size expectations?!?!?" This is such a thing with my husband! He laments the fact that "he always has to babysit people to keep in touch," "nobody calls me or e-mails me, I always have to initiate contact," etc., etc. I try to explain, these people have lives, families, bills, etc., it's not personal. But if you don't return his call or text, or do something exactly when/how you said you would, he will hunt you down and demand an explanation. His late mother was too busy trying to find a sugar daddy after his folks divorced, and spent outrageous sums of money on herself (diamond jewelry, fur coats, designer clothes, etc.). Hubby, meanwhile, got the short end of the stick, except where expectations were concerned. THANK YOU for making this so clear to me now.

I guess I can at least be grateful for my childhood shaping me into an empathetic person with tact and respect for others, because as a friend I would never pretend to not remember a conversation I had with another friend about going somewhere together and then excitedly report I’m going with someone else, then gaslight that person for feeling let down. That’s trash behavior. No, our friends don’t owe us the same loyalty as a romantic partner, but they certainly shouldn’t be that blatantly dismissive and rude, either. Our jobs as friends is to support and be happy for each other, and ALSO to be graceful and thoughtful, ESPECIALLY when they’ve had a rough past. I agree we should keep our options open and develop healthy communication skills with friends, but in my opinion this was a poor example. I hope no one treats their friends this way and thinks that is remotely ok. Everyone deserves better and would have every right to feel betrayed and discarded by that, trauma or not.

If an acquaintance did this, I couldn’t care less. I’d say, “Lovely! Have a great time! Bring me back some sightseeing recommendations!” But an actual friend who knew I’d be disappointed? That’s no friend. That’s such a red flag: someone who’s supposed to care about you, your feelings and your friendship doesn’t bother to say first, “Hey, I know you and I have talked about this a few times, and I’m concerned you might be disappointed: Bob and I have decided to go to Mexico next month and I guess that means you and I won’t go together, and I’m sorry about that. How do you feel?” If there’s no such acknowledgement from them then they’re no friend and don’t deserve any more airtime. What a terrible way to behave toward someone you’re meant to care about. I probably wouldn’t mention it, I’d just filter them out of my life. To say that cutting them out is CPTSD behaviour doesn’t make sense. Usually we tolerate way more bad behaviour than we should. I’d say cutting someone out who can be so underhand, or at least demoting them to a “party acquaintance” is the healthy way to go. Decent friends just don’t do things like this and tolerating such behaviour will just lower your self-worth over time.

My god you have described my life ! I was diagnosed with complex PTSD already but this is the most helpful thing I've heard. I especially found your observations in the other video about oversharing too soon so familliar and freaking people out, also apologising - I say sorry aproximately ver 3 minutes. (I am English though!) .

We are flawed and most of our friends had strange childhoods as well. Be kind and move away sometimes but be kind, to them and to yourself as well.

A really great antidote to a situation like this, later on, is to do a self-inventory of where we might have done the same thing as the friend. Where have we been inconsiderate to the friend. So that we can join with the other person rather than separate from them. And we can also learn how to be a better friend.

What a synchronicity. I am having a problem regarding travel with a friend right now. We planned that I will meet her and we will travel trought the holidays together, we were constantly communicating and excited and then when I finally got the ticket my friend just stopped talking with me. I felt something was weird and I ask two times already if something was wrong, first time she said no, she just thought I was busy. Second time no answer until now (1 week). The flight is on 15 days and I was deciding today if I would cancel or not. I wasn't even feeling angry (I thought, but I kept talking about it all the time). On therapy my therapist encouraged me to tell her how disappointed I am about she not fulfilling her side on our agreement. Because of trauma I am very independent (too much maybe) and my first reaction was just "whatever" "I will go by myself, no problem". I didn't even realized that it it might not be the best option to spend the holidays by myself in another country "just because I already have the tickets". I was also not even consciously disappointed because I feel that people will always be like that, not follow their commitments, not do their part, not be trustable etc and I blamed me for not foreshadowing that. So yeah. Now I will probably cancel everything and tell her my feelings. Also consider if I want to keep her as a friend, as I keep firends that rely on me, but I can't rely on them and it's something I really want to change but I still don't know how to see that in someonelse.

This is excellent. Really helpful for identifying my reactions, but also for offering a way through. I usually just freeze and freeze, but inwardly seethe, and then just walk away. It is sometimes really sad because I find it so difficult to say anything, and I would also suggest that it is really important that for a friendship to thrive friends know your feelings in the valid value-based way as you describe. I think also when you are able to respond in a more balanced way you're then more able to measure the strength of the friendship. On a couple of rare occasions when I have been able to calmly respond kindly and positively to my friend AND also express some disappointment I've sometimes had my feelings dismissed by them. But this has then empowered me to look objectively and (re) assess the 'values' in, the closeness of the friendship rather than just overreact and beat myself up... if that makes sense!!

I have friends who disappear. I didn't realize it was a trauma response. I just thought they were being neglectful assholes. This was very informative 👏

My, what a well paced, well thought through, well-written presentation. Anna, you are an enormous help to me to understand all these emotions. thank you. Tack så mycket.

You have no idea how relevant this is for me right now. When people brush me off or don’t listen to me, I always react & go into fight mode. Yeah, it drives them away, but I give them plenty of chances & they prove themselves to be unreliable or unsupportive. Chasing people for friendship isn’t worth it. As the song goes, “You got nothing to lose when you lose fake friends.” And I agree, it’s because of trauma & neglect we’ve experienced in our families.

Yes, the disappearing act, staying silent and repressed. This rings so true.

I've watched many of your videos, and I love how knowledgeable and open you are. While watching this video I suddenly realized that I experienced emotional neglect as a child and as a teenager. My mother had been sexually abused as a child and then cut off by her mom when she made a comment about it at age three. She was incapable of engaging, and she spent most of her time sleeping. My dad was an angry person and just wanted me to do everything perfectly and not be emotional. Well, it's in my wiring to be emotional, but I had to almost lose that part of myself, turn it off, to survive in my family. I don't know that I ever truly succeeded in turning it off. So now I'm 49 and really starting to attempt to deal with a life full of trauma. And now I understand, or I realize, that I was a victim, and now am a survivor, of emotional neglect. Thank you for helping me to realize this. ❤

I had prayed that I could come up with answers as to why I respond and behave the way I do with friends. I just didn’t know the events growing up was TRAUMA. Thought it was normal until several years into my late 40s! This has been so helpful. Thanks.

Wow, fairy always manages to put my actions and feelings into words. This explains my experiences perfectly.

This entire sequence seems strange to me. If she wishes to take a trip to Mexico with a lover, that is quite different from planning to take one with a good friend. I would start by reminding her of how we talked about this, and also bring up the places we wanted to go in the hopes that she and her lover would go to see them. Now, if she had informed me that she was planning to take a trip to Mexico with another good friend, I would indeed feel hurt, and I am not sure how I would handle it. But to me it is ridiculous to be jealous of someone's lover. Bon voyage, I would say to her and the lover, and I would mean it.

timestamps Intro = 0:00 Reaction 1 = 1:44 (Disappearing | Flight) Reaction 2 = 5:12 (Anger | Fight) Reaction 3 = 6:51 (Child-sized Expectations) Reaction 4 = 9:10 (Villifying) Reaction 5 = 9:42 (Inability to see People) Solutions & Appropriate Reactions = 11:05

Thanks Anna for your insight. I started listening to your channel because I am having a difficult time dealing with my mother in law - an emotional wreck of a person - who has a LOT of inconceivable and unreasonable expectations about everything. I thought it was all mainly cultural at first (she and I do not speak the same language, and for better or worse we still need people to interpret for us if it is beyond simple chit-chat) but after all these years (her son and I have been married for 27 years) I am beginning to suspect she has some significant childhood ptsd - and perhaps her kids too. Even within her own family, she is extreme (she is the youngest girl of 5, some of her older sisters and her brother has suggested she was the brat and used tears to get her way - and still does to this day ! But her father did die when she was about 14 or so, and they had to flee from Cuba, and she never did learn much English etc). My husband, her son, is someone she is grasping at constantly and he is also the golden "people-pleasing-let's-keep-the-peace-at-any-cost-son, who gives in to everything she wants. Well, an unfair peace is no peace at all, and it took me getting seriously ill to understand fully how badly this has impacted me through the years. As part of my "healing journey" my husband and I have really recommitted to each other, he was WONDERFUL to me - took care of me when I was convalescing and undergoing many treatments - and I believe that is part of how I really got better so quickly. But during this time she got so jealous of me. I never heard of anyone being jealous of someone who was sick ! (I had cancer and needed surgeries, radiation, chemo and then switched to immunotherapy - the works - and I was healthy as a horse all my life ! I NEVER thought I would get this - I was always strong - always capable - and all of a sudden, during the pandemic when it was hard to get a doctor's appointment, it got me. I was on the edge twice ! But here I am, amazingly doing well, in remission and feeling great today) Anyway, I think she was jealous of the attention he was giving me, and now that I am feeling better, she is trying to re-establish herself at the top of the food chain again, so to speak. I learned I cannot let her do that again. Things are tense whenever we are together, and listening to you has really helped me not to get sucked in, and also not to feel guilty about putting my foot down about a few things. I have even commented here and there that my "healing journey" requires my husband to honor the vows he made to me, and to put me first above all others. I would have felt guilty about that before, but not now. And yeah, this is beyond the Spanish I can express so an interpreter is necessary. I'm sure this topic has been spreading around. And she is getting up there in age, too, and will need a lot of care - and we will no doubt have to make some sacrifices - but I know now I cannot let her have all that she demands and that we may need to find more feasible solutions, not just cave into all of her uncontrollable emotional outbursts. I don't want to be mean or unfair to anyone, but I can't let her overstep important boundaries - that she doesn't want to have by the way. Wow, didn't mean to make this so long. But thanks for your help !

Her friend should have said "I know you and I were planning a trip to Mexico but I'm going with Bob instead." That would have been honest and not triggered anything. The trigger was caused by the friend acting like she didn't remrmber you planned the trip. Sneaky friend who couldnt care less about your plans.

Ye, this is my exact and every experience. This is the work I’m doing. It’s so difficult to have come so far through life naturally believing what you are feeling only to find out you can’t trust yourself and then having to learn the oh so subtle art of shimmying through human relationships while healing. What I will say though is that is a million times better than not understanding why you are treating yourself so badly and pushing everyone away. These relationships videos are really incredible for me thank you 🙏 daily practice time ❤️

The thing is I have no friends to depend on. Nobody in my life have ever been devoted or loyal to me. I feel hurt

This teaching is GOLD! Who hasn’t had situations like these? So universal and incredibly helpful ❤ Thank you!

I only have 3 friends in my life that I even talk to or see. My response has been, if someone doesn't bring positivity to my life because they want to see me happy , then I completely cut them out. I just can not deal with " fake " people. It is to hard for me to have relationships or friends that I will no longer give a second thought to people who don't give a shit enough about me to just treat me decently. I may be lonely but now I only have good people around me.

I recognize some of this in me for sure. But I’ve also tried really hard to be a good friend and I still feel like people don’t see enough value in me to want me as a friend. It’s disheartening. Especially when you have a hard time putting yourself out there to begin with and then when you’re trying it’s not working.

Wow, you just described my life! It’s no surprise that, as a senior, I only have one true friend left (but then, one true friend is worth a thousand not-so-real friends). But I know that, even at this late date, I have to do something about my dysregulation so that I will feel better about myself and my life. It’s late now and I’m getting ready for bed, but I will be starting the Daily Practice tomorrow morning. Thank you for all your wonderful insights, videos and real-life help. Looking forward to a brighter, more emotionally regulated future.

Every single one of these trauma-driven reactions came out last year for me before I realized I had C-PTSD; looking back on the last year, they all happened in succession exactly as described here. I could have predicted every reaction you listed before the video started. Run away/avoid, anger, expectations, vilify, and not being able to see people/overwhelming pain.

I never comment on KZfaq but I just wanted to say thank you. A couple friends hurt my feelings yesterday and I used this technique and it turned out so well. It was really just a misunderstanding! Instead of me hiding my feelings initially, then giving them the silent treatment until things blew up, I was able to be vulnerable, share my feelings respectfully and listen to what they had to say. Now it's like the hurt never happened.

Very helpful video and examples. I've reacted those ways before, and am tempted to now. Discovering I was left out of plans and inclusion are huge triggers for me. I need to learn how to navigate the right way. Thank you 💛

Sounds all too familiar. Problem is when the other person also has C-PTSD. I'm so fortunate to have a partner who is so understanding and I can sound off.

I can't tolerate ANY confrontation. I become deer-in-the-headlights. I also hide/disappear physically. I've done 4 decades of various work on my CPTSD, it's better being 'alone'/Solo

A true friend would never think you are crazty.

I can relate but my so called friends would actually ignore my needs, agree to doing things & constantly cancel or did it with someone else. Yes we may push people away but people with C-ptsd can also attract not very good friends unfortunately which wrecks havoc on your self esteem. Hard to find good friends especially ones that understand your c-ptsd.

Biggest lie I tell myself when something is bothering me is thinking "this isint bothering me." The after effects end up in some sort of meltdown. I need to just abort the situation faster.

I feel like I need another video going even more in depth on this. Like, is it wrong that I expect people to say what they mean and mean what they say? I feel I deserve that much, honesty and reliability. Is that wrong? Of course I understand mistakes and don't expect perfection. But when someone has alot of trouble making concrete plans, or cancels on you often, or says they forgot about your plans and made new plans with someone else, or made tentative plans with you but then choose to go hang with someone else - wouldn't anyone's feelings get hurt? Especially if they're supposed to be a good friend. It's one thing if I categorize them as an acquaintance, another thing if I'm trying to have a best friend/close friendship. Shouldn't my standards be that the only people who belong in my circle are the people who are reliable, honest, caring and kind? Or do I totally misunderstand friendships and have an incorrect fantasy, and I should let go of expecting a good friend to care about my feelings and treat me with respect, uphold plans we make, etc. And am I the broken one if I treat others that way - I actually do think of how others would feel when I go about my day doing and saying things.

No one actually notices when I do a disappearing act. I actually left social media for over 3 months and not a single person reached out to me. Not even on my birthday. It made me realize that I don't have a single friend or person in my life that actually cares about me. I keep trying to remind myself that when I am overlooked and excluded, that it's my own fault that I feel like crap because I had no right to expect to be remembered or noticed. I am still trying to work on not letting it hurt me and trying to not to expect to be remembered and included in any relationship. It's hard work!!

I ghost folk when I get offended

I love it that you describe the dynamic and also clearly describe a way of managing this type of situation, that works and validates myself and the other person

Thank you, Anna. That's so useful and something I really needed to hear right now.

Thank you so much for all your doing! I just found you recently and I’m finally feeling like I am able to understand and see myself for the first time. Truly life saving to me. Please never stop. You and your ability to explain, deliver this information is truly priceless. I am beginning to start your daily practice and already the relief I feel is immeasurable.

WOW! Hit the nail on the head! I am going to keep this in mind & put it into practice & share with my sister!

So valuable! So true and so happening right now, it cannot be denied! Thank you. Years of therapy brought in 20 minutes.

Really good and tough truths here in this video!

I got up this morning needing to hear an "Anna", so I looked around and came across this video. Life-saving every time. I have a 43-year-old niece that is hit-and-miss on the phone and only texts and has many, many reasons why her phone doesn't work for years. I have come to understand that she feels out of control of her life but the one thing she can control in to not answering her phone. She has had huge amounts of trauma. It hurts my feeling tho. So this teaching today helped me pull myself back from wanting to lash out at her bad phone manners. I will wish her well and move on. I also have a friend in real life that I feel I am close to but when she made a new FB page she didn't invite me. She would've been the very first person I would've invited to mine. So my feelings are hurt there too. But with your help and a little maturity, I think the best thing to do is let that go too. The child in me feels the rejection and I feel it is childish of me to feel hurt over the FB snub. You made my day so much more peaceful this rainy Sunday morning. p.s. I just got to the vilify part! Yes, I did that and felt so mean for it! So glad I did not let that little bear out. She was having lots of fun and I did feel envious, but then I did turn it around and was happy for her. She lost the love of her life of 27 years 4 years ago. I was able to turn it around and I am glad she is not hurting as much now. And it's time for me to hit the trail and make some new buddies!

This was very good. Thank you for walking us through this. Very thought provoking. Thank you for the encouraging words at end of video. Good resolution.

This is informative on several levels, thank you.

Anna, thank you for daily dose of compassion with cptsd. I love how you talk about problems related to cptsd.

This whole discussion reminds me of the plot of Bridesmaids. I have done them all and realize how difficult of a friend I have been over the years.

Thank you so much for this, and your guidance! You have so perfectly described my "go-to" way of handling these kinds of issues with others. Much appreciated! ❤

another great one Anna! your choice of example to illustrate the situation is always on point & SO relatable. It feels like you really have gone through it all to set you up to be in this place to teach. Amazing to watch and so helpful! Lots of love to you

I have never heard anyone describe these issues so eloquently. Thank you for your helpful, thorough, and nuanced explanation.

Oh, Anna, you understand me so well. I’m currently taking your courses and I’m learning so much about myself. I’m truly grateful that I found you, your tools are life changing. Thank you 🙏 🥰

I totally relate to this scenario from start to finish. I appreciate you including the fawning response. Until recently, I didn't understand how that can play out in so many minute ways in conversations and relationships. Would love to hear more about that in your videos. They help me so much in where I still need to do work and in recognizing where I am making some progress. Yay!

this is so good so spot on it's almost hard to hear.

You explain things so well, this is incredibly helpful.

Thank you for this video. This is totally me. I have lost a couple people who I thought were friends because of this.

Really love this. A very similar thing happened with a friend and I. I did say something at the time, but I was unaware of my abandonment issues at that point. It was one of the things that eventually ruined our relationship. This scenario you shared has the subtlety that real life situations have. Great example! Thanks.

Thank you, Anna! Just thank you!!

I pushed a lot of people away over the last couple of years, I don't regret it though, while there are a couple of people I do dearly miss, it would have been unhealthy for things to remain as they were. It was just something I needed to do, after severing ties with my dysfunctional family I felt it pertinent to separate myself from other toxic relationships also. It probably comes as no surprise that a lifetime of trauma and neglect saw me inclined towards unhealthy relationships often ignoring red-flags and suffering needlessly as a consequence. I am now much more selective with who I choose to give my time to, i made sure to keep connected to the few supportive friends I had and am glad to say I still regularly connect with them. I couldn't help but feel there were negative connotations to the notion of pushing people away due to past trauma habits without touching on the topic of when pushing people away might be the best option. I understand that the video was made with a specific agenda and thus it may have seemed out of place if not downright confusing to merge the somewhat opposing subjects into one video however, I couldn't help but be reminded that while at times my trauma has caused me to be somewhat hypersensitive and may have led me to end some relationships... I believe that my hypersensitivity is a bit of a superpower when it comes to identifying unhealthy relationships now, and I have become more able to set clear boundaries as to who I choose to associate with. In the past poor judgement in peer interactions was a big issue for me, thus, I'm considering my hypervigilance and emotional hypersensitivity to be more often a positive side effect than it is a hindrance to healthy connection.

Give them your blessing. How wonderful it sounds! And the best thing to do in this situation. Thank you, Anna, for your genuine message of love.

Holy moly, that's me. Thank God for my dogs!

What a blessing this video is! I really appreciate how you come from a place of truth, and understanding. It allows me to feel safe taking responsibility for the role that I play in conflict.

Thank you! You just helped me understand so much about myself! And gave excellent advice (tools) for healthy change. I am very glad that I found your channel. Blessings!

thank you for creating this video- it is brilliant!

I needed this today!! Still watching though...enjoying it so much.

Wow... this is very insightful. Standing on our highest values instead of intense emotions. Thank you so much!

It's the best step by step explanation I ever heard!

Another excellent and helpful video!

Wow, I’m really glad I found your channel! ❤️✨ thank you for your work and much love to all the other adult children who have been abused and/or neglected

Thank you. I needed to hear this.

Thank you for this, this is masterclass! xx

this is SO helpful, thank you so much!

I needed this, thank you.

Very helpful, many thanks 😊 🙏

Okay, so I do this all the time. Dang, just subbed to your channel even though I wish to "avoid" hearing you speak so sweetly about the horror that is me. I guess I'll see how long I can manage this. Thank you for this, the first video that popped up in my feed. Be well, Alyssa

too real :/ i feel very seen by that description of the emotional experience, i guess except for the part where i dont really tend to blow up at others, isolating myself is such an ingrained habit i kinda just blow up at myself and keep all my relationships harmonious and superficial through the power of self-loathing i'm stuck in the identifying my excessive reactions as such, and then i just resent myself for having feelings at all, i have a hard time writing them down because i become overwhelmed with guilt

This is so insightful and practical. Few people combine knowledge and practicality the way you do. Thank you. Most of this landed with me. What strikes me is why someone would want to be in relationship with another who not only remembers the conversation about Mexico and enthuses about it anyway, but who would say that they didn't realize it was a "plan". That's a person who doesn't take appropriate responsibility. In many cultures/subcultures, loyalty from friends is not only a reasonable expectation, it's a given. "Forbearance" of the kind mentioned is also valued differently across cultures. My experience says this is a bad friend choice as there's not enough mutual respect. Thank you for letting me share my view.

I could say so much good about all I have learned from you ¡Thank you so very much for the great wisdom and keen, insightful experience you so freely share. I have felt grateful after every one of your videos I have ever seen. I am happy to see your channel growing :D

Onece again, so caring and sensible. Thank you 😊 💓

Thanks for this, 1. Silenced, hiding and withdrawing.... the intimacy line Clinging...... distant We all get a blueprint on the intimacy line....and the trigger on withdrawing and the ability to come back into closeness....lots of child/emotion to process....

I needed to hear that part about "child size" expectations Thank you for that and the reminder it comes from my emotional neglected childhood