My mother was very emotionally abusive. She shamed me every chance she got. At 26 I married a man who did the exact as my mom. I'm now 43, in the process of divorce, was recently diagnosed with autism, PTSD, and ADHD. This video was perfect, I'm following your channel because I need help. My trigger is words. I try to read between every single word anyone says, always checking to make sure they're not shaming me. Thank you for this video!

I clicked on this with a bit of skepticism only to hear my life experiences laid out. This will need several viewings to process.

People make me tired. I find most incredibly draining. My issue is people flock to me and tell me their life history. Complete strangers. It's always been that way. They tell me I make them feel better and quite frankly I don't understand? At present I'm working in my front yard at 4:45 a.m. to avoid one neighbor who comes over and goes on and on. I've always been a listener but since my husband passed I'm learning who I am for the first time in my life. For example, when my neighbor complains she doesn't like the color paint in her new home, i found myself thinking, I watched my husband battle stage IV cancer for 8 years. He died a slow very painful death and you are freaked out about paint color. Of course I don't say that but I'm secretly judging. And this is a first. I always put everyone ahead of myself. Now I'm learning to rewrite my story and live a happy life. I can't change my past but I can move forward and think of myself. Still feels a bit odd and quite frankly selfish but in my heart i know that isn't the case. I'm so grateful for your channel.❤️ Thank you for the time and effort you put into your content. It's very helpful.

Not autistic, definitely not adhd, traumatised for sure and hyper sensitive and vigilant....much love to all of you finding yourselves, we rock! Thanks for the video xx

I was brought up in a high demand religion where you are taught to do for others before taking care of my needs. So I feel I will come across as selfish. Surprised I’m still here at 58 years old. Constant mind “F’s”. Your channel has helped me so much. I had a narcissist father and siblings, adhd, autism and complex trauma. I spend a lot of time alone. Can’t get hurt when im alone

Thank you so much for addressing this. I've been aware of my hypervigilance for a long time. It is exhausting. I self-isolate to regain some calmness. I know this began from my childhood, but never quite figured out the "proper tools" to "overcome" these feelings. Thank you for your kind words and helpful information. 💗

Fear and never knowing when the next rage would start. My mother could literally start an insane rage out of nothing. Then horrible words screamed, name calling, put downs. She ruled that whole house. Horrible. And blame. Someone else was always blamed while she was the out of control maniac.

Holy moly - I do this but absolutely didn't realise it! "I'm only good if you're good" Wow!

I’m 44 - and it feels like I am never going to break free from this and live

Yeah exactly. Then regret the decision to say anything. I’m exhausted. Emotionally exhausted and cynical anger is bubbling out. The walls have fallen and I’m afraid of what I might decide to blurt out. I’m pissed off.

Honestly, I'm not sure I'm always aware of my hypervigilance. I'm just always on. Maybe that's why I want to move away so badly. I'm just damn exhausted. I need a break. I like people and ppling. Yet it's too exhausting. I care so much in one hand and am completely apathetic in the other. It's weird. And small talk, I just can't. Hmm I'll re-watch this a few times and meditate on it. Thank you.

I grew up in a violent home and from a young age (5) I had to know what mood my Dad was in and what was going on in the kitchen where he would spend a lot of time at the weekends and I'd listen out for something 'kicking - off'! It was a survival mechanism. I lived like that for 7 years, day-in, day-out and I've never been able to relax completely or know safety.

Oh wow! You just described me and my whole life which has led to all of my relationships being ultimately sabotaged and attracting relationships with abusers .

As usual, another video that is pure gold. My last employer the director's used shame, intimidation, scapegoating and projection. Everything that I had as a child. It wasn't until I went to a counselor that she would have to tell me that their statements were shaming. I knew it did not feel good but I could not identify it.

As an adopted child….this became my life. The illnesses are real… Can’t find a therapist who even gets it 😶 the first thing they do is blow off the adoption trauma which was huge as I first went into foster care 4 months before adoption… I don’t trust anyone and probably scanning all the time😔 Ty for your time and information Dr. Kim!❤

thanks for connecting the psychology vocabulary to the autistic experience.

Sitting here sobbing in relief and grief as I have done this all my life. Appreciate your content as always.💌

I was brought up a Christian, and it just dawned on me (with what you were talking about) that as Christians our focus is *always* on God : Does this please/displease him, am I praying enough, am I striving eneough, am I fighting sin enough, am I selfless enough to keep Father happy? I realized very early that life is not for me, but it's still fun to see what fuels ideas, patterns, feelings etc. I never received a formal diagnosis, and somehow always assumed it was ADD/ADHD, but autism describes me pretty neatly. IF someone malicious had wanted to wire me in such a way and put me in an environment where thriving would be as likely as winning the Powerball, they couldn't have done a better job than God. Hats off to God!

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

Has anyone here watched The Bear episode "Seven Fishes" with Jamie Lee Curtis as the mother? I was completely disregulated after it. During Christmas Dinner, Sugar (the daughter) asks Donna (the mother) are you okay? Total chaos ensues. Trigger warning for anyone who is an emotional regulator. Some say one of the best episodes in television history.

It was probably the First Skill I acquired.

So interesting re isolation, I do this too much, so painful. Am sure did as a toddler as well. Never had the physical and emotional parental attachment desperately needed, needing. ❤

I didn't even get to the signs before clearly realizing it applies to me. This tie things together for me. Thank you. Btw you are the most precise and nuanced professional I've found on KZfaq. It's always satisfying to hear you explain things.

I do not believe in coincidences and I truly believe your KZfaq notification I got out of nowhere was meant for me to see today. I believe God let me see this to help me. I am one who suffers from this and I didn’t even know there was a term or name for it. Thank You so much for sharing this. God bless you 💝

Thank you so much for these videos they really help in understanding myself more and more ❤

That's me to a T. What does that expression even mean? Thank you, I'm not alone in this.

I could listen/watch your videos all day every day. You have almost painted a portrait of my behaviors. No one has ever made this much sense, until you, Dr. Sage. Thank you for this channel and all of your wonderful videos. What a treasure trove! I am a female that was diagnosed in my early 40s with ADHD. I have identified in many ways with HSPs as well as Empaths but unsure if that’s just some of the overlap of ADHD. I have always described myself as a ‘barometer for other people’s moods’, but especially my own mother’s. She had text book bipolar and was either very high or very low each lasting weeks to a couple of months at a time. Anger seemed to be the gateway for the switch-up of her moods but a part of me thinks there could have been some BPD mixed in as a possible comorbidity. I adore my mother, but felt that I always fretted so much over her that I didn’t focus on myself. My Dad was an absolute saint and we were so lucky to have him stick it out as during Mom’s illness, she was hard on us but especially hard on him. I also have a narcissistic older sister, I could write a book on the abuse she served me as a child and still attempts to (just via different techniques) even though we are grown women. Not knowing things earlier in life like what your videos teach, is so unfortunate. Thank you so much for putting all of this helpful content out for those of us that struggle without the benefit from support or understanding; often not understanding ourselves as to ‘what’ or ‘why’ we feel and behave as we do. I commend you for what you have accomplished in your own life, so much success growing up with a BPD Mother and trauma. You are brilliant. ❤

Wow. Thank you. The constant burnout. The never feeling safe or being known. Really helpful.

I walk on egg shells with everyone

Wow. This was very eye opening, I know I'm hyper vigilant and I've always used it and seen it as a gift. I never thought to think back about why I am like this.

Your videos make me understand myself very well. Thank you Dr Kim

This is really great informative stuff! Thank you

This is 1000% me. Now I need to ask those tough questions & start advocating for myself. Thank you for sharing such powerful information ✨💙✨

I don’t believe you’ve spoken about OCD in relations to these topics but I believe my upbringing in an emotionally unsafe and sometimes physically unsafe environment with a possibly BPD /autistic mother and narcissistic father and addict siblings played a huge role in my developing relationship anxiety and ocd. I have a hard time trusting when I am in a safe relationship and do mental compulsions to reassure and question over and over. This type of background makes it very hard to know when you are emotionally safe and can trust your surroundings. Would love to hear you talk about ocd in conjunction with trauma and adhd! Your videos have brought me so much understanding 💜

I have BPD and can identify with all of this thank you for sharing this

Both my parents were eggshell parents and still are to an extent. I was told by so many hippies that i was an empath. Recently, though, i heard the pov that being an empath is actually a trauma response, and it truly does make sense.

I just automatically assume something is my fault or I got it wrong. It's so automatic that it's baked in. I know it originates from my mother telling me i was a 'bad girl' when I got things "wrong." It took until i was 50 to realise what I was doing.

I exhibited all 11 signs of emotional 🥲 monitoring and bilateral stimulation and EMDR has helped me

Yes. So true and explains so much!

Off topic, but... lovely background!

I love this video. More imp you mentioned disorganized attachment style. Thank you.

This was such a great summary of so much of what you’ve covered in the past year. Must remember to re listen!

Oh wow. All through the video I kept saying " Yes, yes I do that. That's me." I ticked all the boxes you mentioned. I knew I was screwed up but this much ...?! Lol. Thank you for explaining this. It makes sense to me.

I wasn’t sure if this video was all that relevant to me as I watched the intro and first two points. And then Point 3 came along and every single point after that is relevant to me! Thank you so much for this, and your other videos. They’re really helpful for me and often overlap with, and inform, topics I explore in therapy.

Enjoyed your video, Thanks! I admit to feeling the Need to share this with my sister... Also, thanks for including the three citation article links, as my brain; · Craves ever more information to better interpret and ascribe meaning, without regard to probability of future use · Zero compunction hijacking attention from current/urgent tasks · Aptitude with magical words of power such as [prestidigitatiNO] (counter responsible action) and [WHYb] (hold in place) at every rabbit hole...

Thank you… so much of my life has been lived this way… so the journey to clarity continues.. gratefully yours.. 🙏💗🥰😎👍

Beautiful video & healing with all the people

So incredibly helpful Dr Kim ❤️‍🩹

This video was very very helpful.

Great video. Thank you

Oh ya im always concerned making sure others are ok and not angry or mad...absolutely a trauma response

Thank you so much for this, what an incredible message ❤

So beautifully and helpfully explained-thank you, Kim🙏

I spend to much time living like this. My oldest son lives with me in my mother's house and my other 2 adult children are narcissist. I am in a bad situation until I relocate even though I took care of my mother until she died here and I was also a single father for my 3 adult children for about 9 years after their mother left them the second time when I was in nursing school , seeking a minor in psychology aswell and studying martial arts within a year of becoming a teacher at the most probably. I was writing songs well learning to from friends that had already written # 1 songs etc working on movies etc and I gave up everything to be there for them and they are closer to their mother now or something. My daughter didn't even call me on fathers day or on my birthday. She makes sure her husband takes her mother something. I feel as though meeting her was the destruction of me .I am just tired of it and want to be free from this dysfunctional crud after 40 years. I know I can find happiness again if I am living somewhere instead of just existing like I do here. I've done this emotional monitoring to the point of it being self destructive. I had no idea.

Thank you so much. I really identified with this content and appreciate your insights. I'm in my 50s and just figuring out that I check so many boxes with ASD and ADHD. I already have a diagnosis for PTSD and CPTSD. I isolate all the time. I've learned a lot from your videos, but this one hit home the most. Thank you. You are a gem. 🥰

Just discovered you today. This might sound odd... but I love that you use Gymnopédies as your music!

Thank you this helped me

This describes me 100% wow.... What makes me like this?? 😔

Thanks for sharing this awesome video your always right on point 😊❤😊

This video is absolutely spot on, I didn't realise I was doing it! ❤ Ty so much xx

First thirty seconds, yep. I ask people CONSTANTLY If they're okay. Once a friend actually kind of scolded me for always asking. I do it out of my own insecurity and feelings of uncertainty of how I feel. I can't stop.

Please pray for me. 🙏 🤲

Monarch butterfly now thanks

I feel very called out from this video

I truly see what happens when a wide variety of standards are upon old teachings. Many people in my age seemed to continue life with the old stuff of our Native teaching,but not all is bad or doubtful that is where your message on this subject makes sense now. O what a difference between my natural ablitiys and possibly change it up at your convenience. It's not too late for me so I am going forward with making sure I don't give the right for family members lives to overlord my true self. Forgive me if i seem to lack a wide range of vocabulary. Your Awesome Dr.Sage and of course My you all continue life. I'm just looking in from the outside.

THIS IS ME! Ive never seen anything that answers so many questions...now to try for actual testing.

Thanks. Yes. Wish you had a thanks option.❣️🕊🌹

Thank you. I found this video enlightening and helpful. ❤

Thank you for sharing ✌🏽💖🤟🏽✨️🧚‍♂️

I have never felt so seen in my life. 🥹🥹 You nailed it for me! Thank you for this video.

My mother was violent and we learned to watch her. She was very fair, so when she got mad, her neck, cheeks and forehead got red. I watched because someone was gonna get beat when that happened. I also tend to watch everyone around me to keep them away from me, not get behind me etc.

Thank you very much. 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️

3:42 I think I was about 17, and my mom and uncle were with me, and I knew I could trust them in a sense, but I still got massive anxiety and fear of them, everything for that matter. As I was learning about the world, taking in cues, I formed my brain as a worrier because mom was and nana was. Plus I got raised by a single parent. When we get used to people doing a sudden flip, and coming out like a fire hydrant of energy/negative emotion. We worry about the future, stress about the past, pay no attention to what’s going on now. And seek comfort. Calm, peaceable feelings and isolation. What made the change in me was attitude changing. Then results looked slightly different. Over time, I got better at not caring if it wasn’t fair. I stopped feeling guilty for being angry too. But I have to make sure I’m not ruminating. 14:07 that was major helpful. Apprehension is what we’re talking about. That uneasy fear you’ve somehow missed the boat/memo. Confused, afraid to rise up and make a truth known. It sounds good, but now try it n see.

Thank you, well-said!

Can you be between HSP and autism ?? Because I am 100% HSP but don't know if I am autistic or not .. I read so many things about autism but really so confused therefore cannot really decide ... and no therapist/psychiatrist in this part of our country😢

Thank you!

Constantly, and it is absolutely exhausting and life thieving and relationship thieving. How can someone be 58 and hardly know who they are anymore. It was so much easier to mask, monitor everyone else & everything else, when I was younger.

Man..this is me. My entire life.

With being autistic, this explains a lot about my marriage and other people. Its no wonder why i feel so defeated, expecially when people promote that bad behavior.

✨🕯️🪷💫🫶🏼✨ thank you. this is helpful 🔆✨

I’m not ok

Thank you so much Dr Kim Sage. This is the exact lesson I needed at this point in time. I met a really wonderful man but im having trouble staying regulated whenever he has any emotions that aren't happiness, even when it's not directed at me. I keep pushing him away and now I see it's because of avoidants emotional monitoring. I just keep looking for reasons to vilify him. I feel toxic. Figuring out these triggers seems like it won't be an easy task.

You might want to use a lighter color for the text titling. The black letters over your black top makes it hard to read. THX!

Dr. Sage I've been wondering if it's possible to be autistic and at the same time be very attuned to emotional changes in other people. I am officially diagnosed yet really often I hear from people that I understand emotions too well and therefore I present to function ok socially. My hypothesis is that I'm good at it because of the emotional parentyfication - I had to learn to identify feelings of my mother precisely to survive. Could this and autistic pattern recognition and intrest in people's behavior result in developing this skills above average even if I'm autistic? I would really appreciate your answer, and please excuse any language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker 🙏🙂

SPOT ON.

12:20 you're describing me, 100%

What if you have no childhood memories for 98% of childhood?

No one whose gone through this toxic life will never ever be ok !!! Scars are there forever !!! They tortured us !!! 🥺 No words used will ever fix people , even if it makes sense, words - actions / understanding Won’t/ Doesn’t Fix things now , no cure , sadly too late now !!! 😮‍💨

Thank you so much for sharing this. It all fits with me so much and I feel this is so important to me.. Could you please advise me any book that you recommend about this topic if any? Thank you!

Always checking, scanning my surroundings... im only good if you're good now learning to focus inwards,.. experience my experience is a hard one, feeling my body etc also very difficult

yes

I have this issue

“Okay”. In a world like this one?

No im not ok thanks for asking

You talk of childhood trauma and autism as two separate things, but I believe the former causes the latter.

My Ex was like this. She is a doctor and could only feel complete by taking care of people. Problem was that she had no interest in me. Her patients were more important

You have been very helpful, I am hsp/ASD dyslexia gestalt. I also have 16 yrs of hardcore sobriety from alcohol and illegal drugs. I know before I struggled with many of these things but I'm also trans gender intersex trans female. I've faced abuse mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. Ive beaten by my Parentals an neglected, I've had 3 hates crimes committed on my, I have SI with 8 real attempts no premeditation, I've been in 46 psychiatric hospitals including 3 state hospitals, cops have beat me for my autism in FL jail. I've transitioned in full public view for 8 yrs as transgender Activist and have faced many mean ppl haters constantly everyday online an in real life. I'm still here but I am completely messed up. I know who I am, I masked my feelings to avoid pain I still have to. I was born with deformed legs an wore leg braces until I was I had asthma and was also hit in the head at 11 with a brick by my sister, I had a cat 3 concussion. Im poor and trans there's nowhere safe nowhere and then I just got robbed/hacked. I can't function if I can't stay safe which apparently every attempt to figure out life has failed. The fact that this Gen x survivor is still alive speaks for my strength not a weakness but I'm tired

😳...I think this was the most helpful video I have ever seen... 🤔🤔yes, pretty sure for real. I don't know what to say...except thank you of course. ❤

Thank you are you ok

I used to ask my friend at school was she OK...not even REALISING I was saying it.xx