"The worse part of growing up is finding out your parents never did."

The worst thing is when they make you assume the role of parenting them whilst you yourself are still a child.

I think immature parents stem from not being taught how to handle situations maturely. Instead, they pass on what they have learnt from their own parents. I am glad we are changing that here.

Both my parents were raised by narcissistic parents, they passed this on to me and my brother. They were both so disconnected from us that we had to fend for ourselves. Learn the hard lessons of life in unhealthy ways. Now I am undoing all this behavior and its not easy

Hi Julia! Senior Shifter Chris here! I appreciate this video as I know my parents aren't emotionally mature. My one takeaway is about them invalidating my feelings or thoughts about my problems. Sometimes even to the point where they teased me amd showed no real empathy or compassion.. Here are my notes: 1. If things didn't go your parents' way, they acted like children. • They threw a tantrum • Threw fits and called names • Yelled and explosive. • Pouted or silent treatment • Blaming other people or you. • Bad mouthed other people behind their back. 2. When you came to them for support and they found a way to make it about themselves. • They either talk about how your problem impacts them or they just talk about a similar problem they went though but not in an empathic and encouraging way. 3. If your parent(s) came to you for support. • They talked about their marriage. • Work problems, sex problems, struggles with friends...etc... • As a child, this was not okay to unload major life issues on to you. • They came to you like a counsellor or coach. • Parents' responsibility to let them come to you and not the other way around. 4. When you came to them with a problem, they invalidated it. • "You shouldn't complain about that. There are people who go through so much worse." • "That's not a big deal. That isn't something you should complain about. You should come up with something to really complain about. There are others in this world who have real problems " • "How come you are always getting upset with things, you should just let it go. Learn to be tougher. Don't let things get to you. " 5. You had an underlying feeling that it was not okay for you to spend time with friends or extended family members. • You couldn't do things with other people because your parents would be jealous if you spent time outside of the immediate family and even felt threatened. • Parents would make remarks about you spending time with other people and not with them. 6. If they told you that you owe them for all they do for you. • "You owe me for this" or "I gave you a roof over your head." • Different than them telling you need to help out (responsibilities or chores). • You don't owe them for then giving you basic needs and responsibilities. It is not a favor. • Emotional blackmail. Conculsion: How can this impact us as adults? • Give us aniexty, depression, low self-esteem or self-worth. • Question who we are and not know who we are. We can't trust who we are is good enough. Feel like we have to be or act like someone else in order to be loved or worthy of approval.

Sometimes emotionally immature parents can be compulsive "fixers" too. Or play the "hero" role. That's my mom -- not a bad person overall but gets horribly uncomfortable when I or someone else in the family isn't okay.

Wow. That's exactly what my mother did to me when I started talking about my sexual abuse from my brother. My mom wasn't even involved and she started saying, "What are people are going to say about me? What are all my friends going to think? You didn't think about the feelings of all the people I know! Why didn't you think of ME?" Funny that she wasn't worried about what MY friends would think of ME (which I wasn't worried about, since they were friends).

Feel disgusted because i see many of these traits in my own mother

The only reason I made you is that you can be a servant to me when I am older.

"Tell me you know my mom without telling me you know my mom." 😂

What’s terrible, is growing up with two emotionally immature parents, an abusive alcoholic father and mother cared for him then how he made me feel, growing up. Now I’m a mom, and see how much of a negative impact they had on my life. And I’m refusing to let my kids be raised like that. I’m really screwed up and didn’t realize how screwed up I was until I had kids and saw how much I can’t control myself and don’t want them to experience what I went through. I’m in therapy right now, and struggling with everything. Sometimes I wish my kids had a better mom then me because I love them so much and know they deserve better.

This was sooo triggering. Literally every example happened to me.

This is really heartbreaking to think these are the type of people responsible for giving life.😩💔 Sadly, it makes me fill with rage thinking of all the things my parents told me. It’s sick!

"it can cause us question who we are, to not know who we are, because there was never a space for us to be who we are" i felt this... acting the way my family wanted, how people wanted in order for them to like me more, i think that is why i have a lot more voices of me in my head haha, iv been such a people pleaser that i had a different personality for each person in my life. another one is when parents don't like the way you think, when they don't like your beliefs and they keep saying don't think this way! , made me feel unwanted because like don't you love me for who i am ? or do you love me for who you want me to be ??, so this made me feel lonely, isolated, unwanted and not loved. the more i seek to be better the more i discover myself, im literally trying to know myself, i keep questioning myself "who is deep inside of me without all the thoughts that were shoved into my head by my parents and a lot of people, i feel like im half way there! thank you for the amazing video Julia!

I am going to breakthrough the crap holding you back😂😂😂😂

You are a really, really great therapist Julia and I support you wholeheartedly. You deserve the world and it’s so evident you’ve worked on yourself and done all your healing. I know your spouse (and parents) are proud. Respect you, Jayla W.

Kristina! You have helped me grow up and change my life in just 2 months of watching your videos.. this has had a knock-on affect to those around me.. I will forever be grateful.. I could write so much more.. Your humour is the cherry on top! Love from a Turkish English person in Manchester, UK xxx

Omg I told my mom I was stressed out about school and she said go ahead and drop out and that i was bothering her coming to her. Smh

Thank you Julia for this video! its a great one. Im just learning to accept my parents the way they are.

Wow...dead on!...thanks so much for the validation!

Thank you so much Julia, that's my mom. She was my primary caregiver! My dad sometimes had outbursts of anger but mostly he loved me and was much more benevolent and less critical.

thank you! i am trying to heal from this topic! sending love and support to all! xx

I love your talks ,and have found them so useful

This video is sooo incredibly helpful!

9:04 this point hits home because this especially was something that my mum did when I was a child and still does even though I'm now 23. Last month a very close friend of mine passed away from respiratory failure and it's something I'm still emotionally recovering from because me and him have been friends since we were both 14. I still remember telling my mum on the day he died and crying my eyes out only for her to look at me with a blank expression and say "He was already ill you knew he was going to die anyway." as if that was supposed to make his death easier to cope with. It didn't of course and to this day her response is still weighing on my mind and making his death so much harder to cope with

I'm so glad I found your KZfaq channel a few weeks ago and love you post often! Thank you

yeah you made this one just for me😢

Thank you for you kindness on sharing your knowledge!!! Please keep posting! I'm a teacher and your videos are helping me a lot! Besides I'm learning English listening to you. Obrigada! Brazil 🇧🇷🙏

Shifter here, thank you Julia !!

Thank you so much for this. ❤

im 29 and my mom comes to me now like that. I gave up on helping because I can't fix those issues...but she won't either. i felt like i gave all the advice and support i could.

Excellent!

My dad would never tolerate listening to my problems. He also had no desire to have an opinion on my dead beat boyfriends. He would criticize behind my back and just hope for the best. I guess he had a lot of "magical thinking." I love my dad and I know he did his very best. But wow what I would give to have him here on Earth and try to talk to him about why he did the things he did. RIP dad I love you

I’m so glad I didn’t have parents like this. Alcohol was a coping mechanism, but I’m glad I didn’t go through this.

Hi Julia, thanks for your video and suggestions. I'm 34 now and I think that my parents have been pretty a mess but, just my father has been evolving and getting actually more mature. My father has always been pretty narcisistic and egocentric, but at least he's been a good example of how a person should bring food at home with perseverance, honesty and intelligence. My mom has always been an issue. As she's one of the best person you could find and to talk to, she's terribly unstable, so much that before 2000 she already was a drunkard. At the beginning I could not understand the situation...but the more I grew the more I found my mom was a terrible parent and I could not relate on her. My parents luckily split in 2005 and whenever I could i jumped into my dad's new house. Now...both live abroad and I feel to be breathing without them, but still when I have to do with my mom it's a pain in the axe. When she comes here fro celebrations she wants me and my brother to be accomodating her in anything....and when we cannot she starts being an irritating child. She's not actually an alcoholic meaning that she doesn't drink everyday, but whenever something in her life make her irritated (just like a simple..mom I'm busy the whole week..we can meet just after 7 pm and I can't guest you at home cause the house is small and I live with my fiance , she gets mad. Thing is, it's irritating to be playing the parent with your parents and now, even if I'm not happy about it, I've built a rock wall between me and my mom as I haven't seen her as a mom for more than 15 years. She punched me 10 years ago cause she was drunken as animal and she got her wrist injured cause "luckily" I'm muscular.... Despite her, and despite the struggle of the life I could build my life, and I think it's this the reason why, even if I forgave her for the pain me and my bro have undergone, the more I'm without her, the better. Sorry to be typing bad stuff...but moms are not all good moms and if were not for my strong will to be building my life, I 'd probably be a drunkard or drug addicted.... Now I have to think about the family from me on

1. When things didn't go their way they threw tantrums, called names, yelled, pouted, gave the silent treatment, ghosted you. Blamed others/you. Bad mouthed the people that maybe changed plans. 2. When you were going through something hard or stressful and went to them, they made it about themselves. Then you comfort them.. 3.your parents often confided in you with their problems. Adult problems, marriage problems, emotional problems, and you feel that need to fix that. 4. When you came to them with a problem they invalidated it. They try to make you let it go. Or not feel it. You feel shut down or alone. Misunderstood or unheard 5. A feeling it wasn't ok for you to spend time with friends or other friends. And you needed to spend time with them. Or you hesitate to bring friends over. You don't get to do things with other people like they're jealous you're friends with other people. 6. If they ever told you that you owed them for all they did for you.

It’s not about blame like you said. 👍

this was my parents my whole life and i do not respect their point of view or them personally most of the time and they are on a fast track to having nobody care for them when they are old

It took me a lot of years to understand , that my parents were emotionally immature, i used to listen to them blindfoldedly, now i do listen to them although decisions that i make are my own. but what i didn't understand was the ill effects it can have on our self worth and self esteem, Thank you Dr.Julia Any ideas on how to build back strong sense of self worth?

Spot on

I feel like a good analogy that emotionally immature people do is for example they ask to be invited to a game or event. when they are participating but they're not following the rules and guidelines, when other people come up to them and critique and criticize in a constructive way emotionally immature person will throw a temper tantrum because they want to play the way they think the game should be played. when the rest of the group continues to tell them no,they throw a temper tantrum and take their ball they brought with them and go home.

How to heal the complication of this thing on us in adulthood, struggling with self esteem, emotional craving and selflessness 😢

Basically she just described Asian parents Lolol.

Yep, parents immature emotions and I am sure their parents did the same to them. I knew there was something wrong with my parents and their parents. Grandpa did something that my made dad feel like he was not loved. Hard to successfully fix a whole lifetime of anxiety and depression.Only the right person like Julia may be the only person that can help me. Very Good!

Very immature of my parents are now they the reason why I don’t want no parts of nun of my family at all I’m trying to tune it all out

💡I see some of them. And recognized some of the results. I hope to over grow it.

This video describes very well many common encounters within family members when parents need to upbring their kids and pass on life experience and teaching. The video sounds like parents who try to teach their kids are all immature and childish whenever the parents makes every comments to make the kid understand their behaviour to be appropriate or not. It really helps promote support for family division and dislike each others between generations instead of helping people to just move on and learn. Everyone is asking for fairness today but loose focus to actually listen and accept to improve themselve and learn seeing things from different perspectives. Kids who view this video will benefit to become stronger but they may dislike the parent even more.

My mom as big as she is, she is so immature and always will be.... That's why just like to keep a distance from her, respect her and keep away....

This sums up my mother perfectly. I also watched your video on parentification, which also hits the nail on the head. Thank you for helping provide clarity for the confusion that all of this brings.

Could not go to my parents for support as a Adult or child seen that my grandmother was the same I just bottle things up read and wacth and connect to stuff with people that have similar experiences

mom of 7.. sibling just buried my father yesterday, but i chose not to make trek to attend. My father was never available for any of us in any sense of the word a parent should be. I also have trauma from my later mother but have forgiven here.. The hard thing is ..now ..with my fathers death, there are so many memories and experinces..mostly bad.. that keep coming up in my mind and conversation that I had not thought about in years. I have an idea its just being triggered by my fathers death and sibling drama.. but hoping that these things donit stay in my mind as they are making me feel like I am being re-traiumatized

17:42 - Didn't you point because at the end you usually say "subscribe, the button is right down there", except you didn't say the words this time, muscle reflex lol?

Goodmorning Julia, Dominick from N.Y.

No, my parent was not subtle about not enjoying me spending time with my cousins or other friends my age. I knew it was coming once they left. I might have been having a great time, but the fun was definitely over once I started get screamed at about how awful any of my friends at any point in time of my life were. My parent would tell me that based on whatever thing my friend said/did at some point was an obvious flag that they didn’t care about me, or were using/lying to me in some way or another. It actually ended quite a few friendships because I had anxiety and social anxiety, so I would often come to believe these things overtime. And let’s not talk about moving out after well being an adult. The resentment and drama is drawn out nonstop about how I abandoned them and how my parter "took," me away from them. So am I property or something??

In my family my older sister is special needs and this caused our family dynamic to be kind of traumatic and it made the kids become adults very early. This effected us all differently but I don’t think it was my parents immaturity but just the situation. Could you speak about this kind of thing?

This can also be called emotional incest-a parent takes a child and treats the child as mini spouse reguardless if the offending adult is in an adult romantic relationship or not.

What a stunning woman !

I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself as a result of my emotionally immature adoptive parents. This is hard, very hard. 😢

This is so my x boyfriend to a T. I thought he was possibly a Narcissist He definitely is a defensive runner and believes every conversation when I try and Express my emotions are an argument

I remember being sexually harassed and my mom and grandma never went to the hospital to check on me but called every 10 min checking on me. The hospital was maybe 20 min away or less. They actually were more concerned about my dog that was with me when it happened. Hours later I’m crying in my room silently and my mom comes in and basically I had to make her feel comfortable about what happened to me. I insisted that we take a walk and get pizza. I could barely walk mind you because the guy pushed me to the ground. I realized at that moment I had to make my mom feel more comfortable about me being sexually harassed than myself. And that’s basically how my whole life has been w my mom. I need therapy for sure

Didnt have to watch this to know how immature my parents were.

Love this! Wanted to share with you and others a tea cup analogy I created to help me visualize my own emotional intelligence. Keeping your cup healthy, strong, and always growing, I believe, is the foundation for a satisfying life. Follow me, the mad hatter, and rabbit down this analogy rabbit hole. Ready? 🤪 Imagine emotional intelligence is tea cup. Stuff going in to the cup is your emotions, small or big, consciously or subconsciously. Everyone's cup is different. Everyone's cup fills up differently too. The size, shape, the thickness is specific to each person. The size could be tiny like a toy or big like a mug you may use for soups. The shape could be wide and/or tall. It could also be round or oblong. As your cup fills, it could spill (emotional dysregulation). If oblong the chance of spills depends on the direction how your cup wobbles. Everyday your cup fills and empties. As it fills, it has more of a chance to spill. Living your life fill up your cup. Your happiness and sadness, events and interactions. All the feelings that come from living go into your cup. Sleep, meditation, exercise empty the cup and makes room for the next days adventures. If you experience a traumatic event, it adds a thick and sticky goo to your cup. It can deteriorate the sides of your already thick or thin walls. Deteriorate making it easier for chips and cracks. It's takes more time and effect to rid of or thin the goo. Time to fix (heal) the chips and cracks. But some of stickiness could stay at the bottom and creates lesser space in your cup to fill. Some events could also throw stones at your cup. Leaving a dent. For example, a boss who repeatively diminishes your hard work. If aware of the chips, you may tilt your cup to keep it from spilling too quickly. You could patch the chip, build up the height of the cup, or do nothing. But keeping the cup tilted is heavy and not sustainable. Eventually you won't be able to keep it tilted and if you weren't able to patch the crack or build up the sides, emotions (disregulation) spill out. As your cup fills up, it gets closer to the rim. If your cup is too full, the increase chance life's bull will rock your cup and make a spill.

It's a wonder I turned out the way I did with how volatile and neglectful my childhood was. My mom always provided for us physically...but emotionally was lacking. My dad was also not present due to his anxiety disorder and immaturity and refusal to seek help. Real beta ish if you ask me. I take responsibility and am emotionally present and engaging. Despite my despite anxiety. I don't use it as a crutch, but generation x just couldn't step up and be mature...

Dear Miss J Kristina, Although not necessarily everything you say applies to my own dysfunctional family, your video still means a lot to me. I thank you for its existence. As a (male) survivor of ghastly narcissistic abuse in childhood at both of my parents’ hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to their perception of parenting? Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case! Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?

I'm here looking for ways to help and deal with my mom I'm just so tired and fed up of it all but hurt to walk away from it all Even of I know I should

Sounds very familiar wow

Horrid was the word! No daughter of mine is going to embarrass me like that…I was ignored when I took myself to register or 3rd grade and I decided I would not go to 3rd grade. I was a latch key kid.

Don’t let it get to you I thought it’s good advice if one over reacts to things?

Edward

My stepmom is always the one to explode and have a tantrum, and my dad is the one to mope and distance himself. I learned early on to just keep to myself and not ask for help from either of them, because no matter what I did or said it would always come back to some sort of argument. Even when I'd try to defend myself against misinformation spread by my OWN parents, apparantly I'd be instigating a fight and I was the asshole. I told my stepmom this morning to watch the way she speaks to people and she blew up on me. They both need therapy but I KNOW that if I tell them they'll have a hissy fit. Hopefully mlgoing to school in BC soon so I'll be miles away. Good luck to anyone else experiencing this kind of trauma - that is what it is, you ARE valid for thinking that, no matter what they tell you - and let's all wish each other hope for brighter futures ahead ✌️

My mum cries and beats her chest like a gorilla when things to go her way, just bizarre and disturbing

When I was sexually assaulted and told my mom.. She just said.. Ohh! It's just molestation! And blamed me! And they are like, I did this that for u..paid for ur education, which we enjoyed!..Whenever thers a big argument, she mentions this!

Yup. Dad. I wished u didn't have me. You didn't know what you are doing. Even today. At 66. You still have the emotional maturity of a baby. You are totally I'll prepared to be a parent.

You stop bringing in friends first because you feel it causes them inconvenience but then down the line realise that they're just petty gossipers. Since you really cannot stop their gossip and because you have integrity of character you'd rather not have your friends over than having them over and then listening to gossip behind their back. It really messes up the dynamic between you and your dear friend. Not wanting to have that hypocrisy is personal, where the friendship gets sacrificed.

i need healing

My mother had n huge crush on her sisters husband and flirted with him openly n shamelessly which triggered my Father so bad he used to vent out all his Frustations on me n blamed me for Their broken relationship.....

Jesus I do this to others as my parents did to me

Is there a specific reason why you use Black and White for your videos? I think it will be better if it is colored. It will look more vibrant and easier to look. And display/affect better mood for viewers. Like videos in Theraphy in Nutshell, from therapist youtuber Emma McAdams. Your videos are unappealing visually, similar to Dr. Tracey Marks (also has a KZfaq chanel) who loves using gray for her thumbnails and background. Just a thought.

My dad while growing up: I didn't have _________, my parents didn't ___________, I was never given _________ (so I'm not going to give, do, or be to you what my parents didn't give, do, and weren't to me). Also invalidates problems and things going through. Always says that he "doesn't care" about whatever anyone else feels or is going through. Also, nearly 43 and he aggressively, angrily yelled at me for reading a book about getting over past hurts and anger. A book. And then said that he wasn't doing anything and I wasn't the victim of anything he has done or is doing. In fact, both of my parents do all of these things listed

Im still gg thru this- how i loath fogey he takes over space, home bully , alw pushing buttons. I had hard day at work, he stil selfish blocked things. When we get mad, he twist story he angry. Fucj

I had emotionally immature parents,and now I have emotionally immature neighbours.What bad luck,eh?

My parents were so immature.. They left there 4 children under 6--- at the family law courts...and walked different ways..( we all were split up).. Now Im 74...and have had no family at all....ever.

My parents " oh you need us to drive you to school or a friend cause we decided to live in the forest. Sure! But every trip comes with a cost. Pay us for gas" and " oh you want to live at our home for free? Eating our crappy food we have to feed you to survive? Pay us 1000 Euro a month until you can get a job and move out without us helping you or giving you any support or advice on how you'll become a successful and independent adult". For me, all this hurts so bad. Also keep in mind. I had almost no money. All other kids were gifted money so they could buy toys, clothes, bus cards, candy, afford some fun activity etc. I was left with almost nothing. And the little money I had, my own parents wanted to take away from me. 😢

When parents pass on what they HAVEN'T learned.....

10 thumbs up

❤ ☝️ THIS! On the nose.

Why are you in black and white, Julia?

why didn’t you mention the word abuse? Because all this qualifies as emotional or psychological abuse… is it would be a couple’s dynamic, would you say it? Parents might not be aware of the toxicity of the behaviors, but it is STILL abuse. If you hide this information, you’re being manipulative too.

Videos like this are so unfair. Nobody is perfect. Stop blaming your parents for everything learn to forgive and move on