OMG so shocking true! Thank you so much Michele for all this support and help to my healing journey.All those exercises and breathworks at Thrivers School of Transformation are pure gold to me.❤🙏💫

“The covert narcissist gives compassion to other people, they just don’t give it to you..” ..this hit me like a sledgehammer. Exactly what happened to me. I saw my ex talking so compassionately about friends and colleagues, like she was the most caring person in the world..but none of that extended in my direction. I thought it was me that was the problem somehow because of that..but a couple of times she literally said to me “I cannot consider your feelings” ..and when I was at rock bottom and asked for some support she told me “I can’t be that person for you.” Yet she always needed my support, and she seemingly wanted to help work colleagues. How does that even work? 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm 72 years old and this is the first time I've heard anyone describe my emotions whilst growing up. VERY GOOD. ACCURATE. Well done young lady, you helped me very much today - I'm grateful to you. Thank you.

I was erased. Totally. Thanks for talking about this Michele! After I left, a nice neighbor waved to me and I turned around to see who they were waving too! I was so used to being invisible.

A Narcissist will leave you feeling crazy!

This is EXACTLY HOW AND WHAT MY HUSBAND DID TO ME. SO PAINFUL. I LOST MYSELF. THESE PEOPLE ARE EVIL. He would crush my soul. They literally suck the life right out of you.

Another example of how the abuser twists the healthy behavior like setting boundaries would be…. You set a boundary and they overdramatize your boundary. “I feel unsafe when I’m in a car that moves sporadically or is going too fast, can you please drive more conservatively when I’m in the car.” And they respond to that with driving excessively slow, creating traffic and conflict with other drivers. This causes the person who expressed and set the boundary to feel shamed as if they were being too sensitive.

I got chills when you talked about the covert narc giving you the silent treatment and walking around like everything is fine in order to activate someone's sensitivity to rejection. DING, DING, DING!!! My mother's favorite punishment.

Emotional neglect is like having the skin of your soul being peeled off....slowly. It is so incredibly painful. There is SO much pain in the silence, the lack of things done and said, what is _missing._ To watch an emotional neglectful abuser show love/concern to pets, strangers, and friends but not to you~ it SCREAMS at you. The silence screams at you: "YOU. DONT. MATTER. You are invisible, you aren't worth even my attention to show you that you even _exist."_ My self worth was low when I met my ex, but what little self worth I had, it was pummeled into dust by him. One day we fought and he wanted to go fishing but we hadn't _resolved_ the issue. It was what it always was: left as loose ends and I was emotionally bleeding out. He wanted to go fishing and I truly didn't believe I was allowed to say "no" to anything he wanted. I agreed to go but I grabbed a bottle of wine on our way out. I sat in the bottom of the boat, drinking this whole bottle, tears streaming down my face but I didn't make a sound. He hated when I cried. He stood on the end of the boat with his back to me, casting over and over for over an hour. Not once did he look at me, not once did he glance my way and ask me if I was ok, or came to me to comfort me. Nope. I cannot _believe_ I put up with that!!! Now, I wish I had put the boat in reverse so he'd fall of the front...then drive the boat around him screaming at him and then drive to the boat ramp and call an Uber to gtfo. 😢

“The effects of emotional neglect are extremely damaging. “Maybe the narcissist isn’t doing anything forcefully, but by what they are withholding from you is causing your personality to implode in on itself. “And over a long period of time you wind up feeling as if you’ve been erased from the inside out. “And in a way, you have. Your emotions never had space, they never mattered, and so they were erased. “The beliefs that you had about yourself, you were not allowed to have them, they were never mirrored back, they were never supported, so they were erased and replaced with negative beliefs about who you are. “And when that pattern takes root inside of us, it causes us to show up in every relationship in that same pattern…. “We wind up furthering our suffering because we’re showing up in these templates, these patterns… and we’re seeing other people continually reflect back to us the same neglect that our caregivers .. did as well.” I had to stop and write down exactly what you said, because I’ve never heard my lived experience be summarised so perfectly and succinctly. “YOU WIND UP FEELING AS IF YOU’VE BEEN ERASED FROM THE INSIDE OUT.” 😮😮

The emotional neglect aspect has been "neglected" 😉 in the narc abuse conversations. Thanks for bringing it up. It can be even worse than overt abuse because it is invisible.

I thought something was wrong with me as a teenager because I didn't feel like I had a personality. "Erased from the inside out" is so spot on

I learned that covert narcs are EXTREMELY envious and jealous individuals and this envy is a significant motive behind their behavior. Their envy doesn't distinguish strangers from their own child sadly... they don't want their child to do better OR worse than them because either cases would make them look bad... this is why narcs are impossible to please.

I was with a covert narcissistic person in a relationship. Weird thing I have encountered is I was always hungry looking for food….. like being empty all the time. Extremely draining

Neglect. I tired of my x-husband never wanting to DO for me or WITH me. So many situations/behaviors of unkindness. Gaslighting. Always taking over the conversation with stories that he already told me - over & over. I feel as if I was never heard, cared for, shared with ~ and I never heard the pronouns US/WE/OUR. Whittled down from narcissistic personality. Began watching your vlogs a few years ago. Thank You Michele. All Good Wishes.

I lived for 26 YEARS with my EX-Husband who was his #1 trait !!! I did try harder and harder but it did no good. The target moved each time. If he did not love me, why did he stay married for so long? He was also angry all of the time. So anger combined with neglect over a long, long period of time which was difficult.

As a child I was always "too emotional" and shamed for being different by my parents and brother especially. He would berate, hit, and call me ugly etc and I would get in trouble for getting upset or crying and being too loud. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my parents, and still is not for my dad. Everything I do is looked at in a negative light, and my brother is seen as the golden child because he lives a mainstream lifestyle. I am judged very harshly and always expected to fail and mess up. It is just not hitting me at 35 that this is what I dealt with as I have had to move back in w my dad when I moved states. He is so kind and giving to everyone, but he yells, judges, and insults me and I can never live up to his expectations. It is not consistent either, as sometimes he chooses to be nice as long as I " act in line". I change who I am to avoid issues. Thankfully I have started to move past caring what he thinks of me and focusing on knowing the truth that I am awesome and successful as an artist and a forest school teacher. But this video now is putting together the pieces as to why my nervous system is so unregulated and always triggered. I can never truly relax, my brain or body. This felt good to vent even if nobody ever reads this.

You're the first person I found that is intelligent educated comes from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and is able to explain it in the most simple and direct delivery I really appreciate your videos I'm so glad I found you

When I allowed my emotions to overpower me, I unfortunately experienced reactive abuse. This situation led me to question whether I was the one displaying narcissistic behavior, given that I grew up in a toxic family where everyone in my household exhibited such traits. Moreover, being in a toxic relationship with my spouse has only exacerbated these issues. However, I have come to the realization that it is my environment that is toxic, and it is causing me to react in harmful ways. As a solution, I have found great value in practicing indifference and engaging in breath work. These practices have proven to be impactful and helpful during this phase of my life, as I strive to determine the best path forward for myself.

There is a poem by Mary Oliver called The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life that you could save.

Malignant Narcissist = Emotions are mocked or used against you

Emotional and mental abuse is worse than physical abuse....all horrible but the former tend to be hidden and extremely hard to explain.

They minimize, dismiss or totally dont acknowledge that you have feelings

For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.

A book that really helped me heal was a mindfulness meditation book called "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels. It's so important to change the perspective of our "selves." Everyone is worthy of a peaceful life and tranquil mind.

Neglect is a form of abuse, not only in narcissistic abuse, but in general.

My mother is a covert narcissist and the older she gets and the more she loses control the more toxic she gets. I have been no contact since the holidays last year.

Yes, growing up with a narc mom, her mood would dictate mine. I couldnt be happy if she was upset. Then, as I began to find healthy relationships as an adult, it was eye-opening to see my partner remain in a good mood when I was not. But i quickly realized that they had every right to feel something seperate from me. I realized how over enmeshed I was.

My wife has been severely emotionally neglecting me our entire marriage. She refuses to validate my feelings, mirror me in any way to provide empathy or validation, and has even said exactly what you did about me having a problem because I’m showing emotion. She shamed me multiple times for showing emotion so I shut down my emotions. The toxicity is literally killing me. I’m stuck in a marriage which has caused me so much harm. This was my mother also, you describe her perfectly. I never got any of my emotional needs met as a child just as you describe. She neglected my emotional needs.

When you talk about this it is very real. I want isolation all the time. I push everyone away from me because of living with a narcissist for so long. What you are saying is exactly how I feel. Thank you.

Another thing they love to do to you is take what you like and try to knock it in some way~ I told my mother about a new car detailing channel here on youtube with this young girl who just got started~ Her first response was " Her teeth look a little crooked, look , there's something wrong with her teeth do you see it? " This was said for one reason - Let me try and tarnish and wreck the thing that I know you like so that I can get you to not like it also. There really sick sick people with such a sad need for control. It's as if there in a permanent state of JEALOUSLY, FRUSTRATION, and CONTEMPT. Definitely DATA Gatherer's~here you are trying to make conversation with them, and all there doing is trying to take in all the info so that they can use it against you.

My mom is emotionally unavailable. I remember my dad telling me to "not give her such a hard time," because "she is a good mother to you." If only he actually knew! He passed away about a decade ago, thinking his family didnt need him and that he was a burden. She makes me feel like a burden, too. Some people just dont want actual connection. Some people spend all their energy micromanaging everything around them to the point where they do not have the capacity to actually see others as they are. It is baffling to me, every time, how much more difficult they *want* their lives to be. It has recently been challenging for me to have faith that there are people who legitimately want connection out there. Each time I have dated someone, they have taken advantage of my good qualities. It is defeating, I feel like i have to hide the best parts of myself from the public, to not be targeted again.

You just TOTALLY described me ...I wish someone could help me....I'm old already, my life is more than halfway over and I am still broken....

My mother behaved exactly like that. The information about narcisistic abuse saved me. Haven't spoke to my family for 10 years, don't regret ONE BIT. For those strugling with the decision to go full grey rock, yes... it's a hard decision, but also the decisive one. It's sad we have to get to this point, but I guess we can't have everything.

I was raised by a malignant and covert narcissist. Both parents. Silent treatment lasted for weeks, extending over a month when I was a teenager and starting to fight back. This video defines my childhood exactly.

Co workers and neighbors and pets are easy to be kind to because they don’t get too close. Family gets too close. They might hurt you. One of the tasks of growing up is to learn to be vulnerable. Another task is to learn to recognize and defend against abuse

As a child I was told I would kick even if both legs were cut off. My thoughts and opinions were always invalidated. My emotions were mocked by my father, laughed at by my brothers, and dismissed by my mother. 😢 This talk really resonates with me.

Im lucky i had my grandmother in my life. I spent the 1st yr of my life with her and every summer from like 7 to 16 yrs old. She was very empathetic. She never withheld or gave silent treatments. She was very funny, warm, kind and friendly. She did have a hard time giving affection. Only gave affection when coming or going for long periods. But she told me why before she died. She gave me the biggest hug and she said she was sorry for not being more affectionate but that she didnt recieve much affection as a child. My grandfather was a narcissist though and he constantly gave silent treatments to everyone in the family. And he wasnt the worst to my grandmother but he called her a derogatove nickname. He use to call her fat ass and he did it so much that no one thought twice about it. When he died she lost a ton of weight.

I have a cousin who has always been very harsh and emotionally cruel to me. My mother knows it but every now and then she makes comments like "Oh, I don't have any problem with this cousin" and "this other person absolutely loves this cousin" etc. I remember each time thinking, "why is she even saying this to me. She knows how much this cousin has hurt me. Is she insinuating that I am the one who is wrong for how I feel." I am bawling right now because I did not even realize that this is in fact a form of abuse, narcissistic neglect. Historically my mother has also been guilty of comparing me to others, especially my friends. Eventually it felt more comfortable not having friends... less people in my life the people there are for her to compare me to. I can hardly believe how much damage I am still healing from, damage caused by my own mother.

I don't know why this channel doesn't have more subscribers and millions of views ~ but I believe it is being done deliberately by KZfaq. This content is the most accurate and helpful Ive seen and I watch all the big ones here on youtube. Don't give up Michele, your videos are helping thousands. I have gained much insight and wisdom from your take on the subject. Thank you.

You are one of the few that gets it. Keep doing what you are doing. Been dealing with this for 20 years. You are expressing it exactly like my relationship. Sometimes I wish it was physically abusive than dealing with this. Physical abuse is seen, emotional and mental abuse is not.

Every time I visit my mother, she will at some point stop talking to me and have her face buried in her tablet or television, total ignoring. It's a covert narcs way of trying to make you feel worthless. Glad i'm above it ~ at least my conscious mind is. Years ago she would yell and scream all the time ( narc rage ) now, she has a new set of games to feel like shes in control.

I feel so much pain in relationships that its too much to bare. I run away from relationships... i run away from the pain...

He gives everything to his friends, no compassion comes my way. His admiration to all his new inspiring friends...its all so twisted. I have a chronic neurological illness and depend on him but have to fend for myself.

💯 My mother was a nurse. She was compassionate in her job, but to her family, she was distant. Left us open for more direct abuse by narc dad. So glad I learned and my kids don't live that. I teach them emotional skills appropriate for their ages too. So important! Thank you Ms Nieves!

*jaw drop* My mom does that all the time, tells me about how amazing my brothers are and just not say anything to/about me! I called her out on it *once*- I’m sure you can imagine the reaction I got. I’ve been starting to get an inkling that the two narcissistic romantic relationships I’ve had might have their roots in my family of origin. Cause you know, the abuse is just so familiar. The worst is I am now a single mom of 3 that are 3 and under and my mom is my main support. I listened to her tell my 3-yo daughter the other day that my little girl would have to change my mom’s diapers when she got old, that’s why she was changing so many of hers, and she’d better remember that. The thing I’ve noticed about coverts, and most people in general, is they love having toddlers around because they give a lot of enthusiasm for very little effort. They’re relatively easy to feed off of and manipulate.

He straight out told me a few months ago that He doesn’t give af about my needs, my opinions don’t matter. They’re evil point blank period. A normal person could do this to another human unless they’re evil.

Yes, I am being erased from the inside out. Thank you, thank you for explaining his gradual, subtle erosion of the confident woman he met. Everyone else around him receives appreciation but I, who's tried so hard to support him, receive no validation or appreciation at all. He even said he didn't need to give me compliments anymore as it was 'for teenagers'! Then stated that he gave others appreciation and compliments because he needed them. When I asked him if he had a nice thing to say about me anymore, he looked me up and down from head to toe and said " You have a nice nose"!! He withholds physical love and claims he has no interest in it, whilst admiring other much younger women. It's designed to erode all my self worth. Now he is trying to persuade me that no other man will ever want me so that I will stay and be compliant with his abuse.

My father was the Narcissist and I the 1st born. I'm 65 and just learning why My life was So hard and why I was never happy, blamed for things I never did. Why I was treated like 2nd hand news. I'm completely alone, isolated. No one calls, no one comes or even cares.. My sister turned my son against me while I was helping my brother basically die. When she dropped dead 8-30-22 , 5:00 AM Heart attack. My son doesn't talk to me for going on 4 years, destroyed my credit , I trust No one and it's damn lonely. Thank GOD for my Cats.

So helpful, I could never say I had overt 'abuse', but can definitely say I had emotional neglect that reaches the level of abuse. It's insidious and very hard to identify, yet we end up feeling so much pain and emptiness. Thank you!

I’ve been in some bad relationships but a covert narcissist cuts deeper

"They need to regulate you to regulate themselves" that speaks volumes...

I was raised by a narcissist, married a narcissist and I raised a narcissist. My relationship with SIL of 30+ years has ended for me. I have the right to feel healthy and happy also. Thank you 🕊❤️

Michele, THANK YOU for these videos! I have been struggling with CPTSD for fifty years! Six therapists and 22 drugs didn't help me. Your info is spot on! I am slowly beginning to heal.

Realizing the other person could be mad and rage and it had nothing to do with me, was huge for me. It sounds so simple, but if you don't even know you are doing it and that it's not normal it is hard to overcome.

It’s not just our upbringing or parents or family that teaches not to convey emotions or how we feel, but society teaches us this as well, and most in particular, our family justice system. Emotions are seen as bad and erratic or almost unstable if you are expressing hurt, or facing false accusations in which a narcissist is playing the victim, and therefore has already taken that role, so you must be portrayed as the abuser, when actually it is the narcissist that provokes and intentional triggers a negative reaction from you, which is referred to as reactional abuse by the Narc. The problem is that all narcissists play the role of victim, and they convince themselves that they are, as well as gaslight themselves to believe their own lies and false portrayals of you with her likely due to a delusional mentality as well as believing and validating their own preconceived assumptions about the spouse or significant other they are portraying negatively. And since one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist is to never admit to any wrongdoing or absorb any guilt, shame or blame within for what they do, they will project their negative behavior toward the person they are abusing or accusing falsely. So whenever a narcissist is behaving badly or doing something highly inappropriate, their primary targeted source of supply will likely receive repercussions or devalued for that in some way. In other words, the narcissist will project negativity and hatred toward you for the things that they do wrong. And if you find out they are cheating on you then they will never forgive you for it, and it will be your fault. These are very disordered and mentally sick people. And once the mask comes off, they rarely feel the need to ever have to put it back on around you. But by this time, they’ve already convinced themselves that they are a victim, so they are justified in their mind to portray you or accuse you of anytime they feel threatened or questioned about a wrong they committed. They are allowed to portray you negatively, but you are not allowed to do the same in return to them. The the one important thing to remember for those who were targeted by a narcissist, and got trauma, bonded or stuck in that relationship is to not allow yourself to feel like a victim continuously. Yes, you were very wronged and falsely accused and treated like shit and neglected or abused in someway shape or form but if you develop a victim mentality, then you also risk becoming like or similar to the narcissist themselves. PTSD symptoms can bring forth characteristics that are very closely similar to Characteristics of a Narcissist. Remember, all Narcs will portray themselves a victim in the relationship. You will always be at fault and always viewed as the one to blame. It doesn’t matter if you were falsely accused, or they made a mountain out of a mole hill, in regard to pointing toward one of your mistakes or wrongs, which we as humans all make at times, and when we have been faced with some severe complex PTSD, from the result of trauma, we become hyper vigilant, as well as defensive and indignant, during moments of experiencing those triggers of negative traumatic events/ reminders when with the narcissist. There are so many sometimes and this can cause you to ruminate as well experience, a heightened sense of cognitive dissonance as well as the fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses. Which all four can be experienced at different times but usually there is one or two of these responses that you tend to adopt.

All my conversations and emotions were shut down by conversation hijacking. It got so bad that I couldn’t finish a single sentence. He has to outdo every emotion thought out idea. He would actually repeat my ideas back to me right after I would say it, as if he had just come up with it himself. I almost became non existent in this relationship.

There was a psychologist who said that he had had many patients, who never had been hit. I guess your theme here explains what could have happened to them.

I have been emotionally abused and neglected throughout all my childhood and the biggest part of my adult life. Right now I'm in a marriage where I'm completely emotionally neglected and also financially abused and my heart is broken into pieces. I know that I should leave but I'm extremely trauma bonded and I feel like such a failure for knowing all the theory but not doing something about it. I feel trapped into my head. The pain of being with him is excruciating and the pain of being without him is excruciating too. I know that it's the trauma bond that causes this and that if I take the step and divorce I might suffer but then it might get better but I still don't do it cause the attachment issues that I have and the narcissistic abuse intensified, make me feel completely devastated just in the thought of moving on. I know I'm already alone in this marriage but I'm afraid to be alone without him being around. I know it sounds crazy to those who can't relate but I believe that many of you who read this can relate. I'm writing here cause it's the only place where I feel that my feelings will not be ridiculed or discarded. Everytime he punishes me for something HE did, I try to focus on myself but the long term complete silent treatment breaks me down. I know that this is his aim, because he knows I can't stand it and I'll do again the first step but when I insist to keep my ground, I just feel so anxious, unsettled and painful inside my heart. When I read what I write I feel pitty for myself because if someone else would say these things I would feel so sorry for them and I would think that it all sounds so toxic and hurtful, yet here I am, analysing everything like a professional psychologist would do and doing nothing to save myself. I feel so trapped. Please don't judge me harshly and pray for me.. 💔

This is so true..... Emotional neglect is very damaging. I have experienced myself as my parents were not for me and with me ever...but I am healed now. Now I can see covert abuser quickly and save myself.

I want to stress that this can happen in non-romantic relationships. If there's a power dynamic, then there's a chance of abuse. I had a narcissistic boss. Narcissistic neglect in an employee-employer relationship can look like: 1) Ignoring your concerns (e.g. you bring a concern to your boss, they dismiss or ignore it) 2) Invalidating your feelings (e.g. you express an appropriate feeling to your boss, they minimize, ignore or gaslight you about your feelings) 3) Using like the silent treatment when they're upset with you (they will gaslight you if you ask if they're upset.) 4) Refusing to acknowledge your achievements (for me, my boss not only refused to acknowledge my work, but actively attributed it to other people for no reason) 5) Praising others but not you in conversation (this one is especially hard, because you appear to be a jerk if you advocate for yourself, and it can really erode your self-esteem over time) 6) Using guilt tactics to push boundaries (i.e. implying you're not working hard enough when you are, in fact, working regular overtime) Over time, this kind of neglect and invalidation from a boss or coworker has a real impact, especially if there's also active abuse. We spend huge chunks of our lives in our workplaces. Workplace abuse is real, and neglect is a part of it. I would really appreciate it if you included the workplace in your videos, because it's often ignored by experts discussing spheres of narcissistic abuse. (And thank you for mentioning this in your examples of looking for a raise & reducing workload.)

This helped me recognize that if I tried to draw boundaries with my parents, I was told I couldn't set that boundary, because they were the parents and they made the rules, and/or because XYZ logical reason. I don't remember how they talked to me exactly, I don't know if they said anything like that outright, it was just coded in to my understanding of how the world worked. If they decided what I wanted for myself wasn't within what they wanted for me, I was told it wasn't an option, and if I tried pursuing it further I was punished. They probably, to this day, still sincerely believe they were trying to set me up with discipline and firm boundaries (on their end exclusively) to be able to be successful. But I never learned I was allowed to stand up for myself or be my own person.

Explains very well why I didnt realize how abusive my ex was for 32 yrs while my health went into the toilet. I'm thankful I finally woke up and left, getting help with healing. You are gifted in describing these issues! Thank you!❤

I was abused emotionally by my Covert Narcissist for 20 years. He never consummated the marriage. I went beyond hate to total indifference.

I feel like im invisible or non existent as far as mattering to anyone in this world... so many times i just feel like why am I here if nobody wants or cares about me. Sometimes it makes me have passing thoughts of suicide... I wouldnt actually do it because my spiritual convictions are that, it doesnt resolve anything, n dying in that way, is a very low vibration, n it doesnt have a good result, or bring us to a good place in the after life anyway... or sometimes i dream of running to a mountain somewhere n be by myself, n live there alone... cause i feel like everyone iny life... like basically everyone close seems like they pretty much only expect n act as though i HAVE TO GIVE, ITS EXPECTED, but they dont have to give in return or contribute... i have to like be very firm n draw a line if its necessary when I absolutely need it. But it seems like i have to almost always fight tooth n nail to get anything in return from anyone... sometimes it feels like whats the point? If people dont want to do it, frankly i dont want anything from them anyways... im not a freaking beggar

I felt every point in this list. I was alone in my marriage for years. I didn't know what companionship felt like. I felt like suppressing myself was a gift I wanted to give my wife. I acted on my belief that I didn't matter but she did. I didn't want to bother her with any need I had but I was always looking for all of hers. For years, every fight revolved around how I was failing to meet one of her needs. It baffled me because I paid so much attention on her needs and she was denying me the acknowledgement that I was trying. 26 years I let her define what was important and buried myself because needing anything was an inconvenience to her. ThanQ for shining a spotlight on this aspect of the CoNarc's abuse. I didn't even realize to what extent it was damaging me until watching this video.

My father said when my sister was born, on my first birthday, that my mother would push me away with her foot. He scolded her and said "taught me to read to compensate". I excelled in school. My 2 siblings enjoyed their preferred status and played power games. "Mom, .....'s arm is touching mine", when 3 kids riding in back seat of the car. I was always braced for being scolded. At 80 years old the same attitude w/ sibs has been continued long past mother's passing. Your video is helpful and encouraging and can now understand my conflicting feelings. Thank you.

I’ve never heard anyone explain my situation so exactly.

This is me with my daughters father. I live in fight or flight and loneliness simultaneously every single day and I feel invisible and have become so stressed lately it feels like I’m having a heart attack some days. It sucks and I’m trapped. Thank you for making this video which is so validating to what I’m going thru right now. I have literally told him I am dying inside from lack of love and attention and nothing changes. I honestly don’t think there is help for people that do this to others.

Insults and dogs Constant correction…gathering Intel Then talking behind back to make you awkward socially All with i am such a Christian and care

Hits me between the eyes. Been in a covert narcissist relationship for about 34 years now. Just beginning the recovery in the last 5 years. This is just one more huge part of the puzzle in getting my life back. Thank you so much for the insight.

Omg! I am soooo glad you made this! I have been so lost and confused and ALONE because no one understands this kind of abuse! They kill your without getting their hands dirty whatsoever…my ex was so “good” at this that he rarely even called me names or overtly was rude… And you said crimes by omission…so spot on! I used to tell ppl he’s abusing me by “non” actions and they just looked so confused and yea, exactly like it “wasn’t that bad” or that the problem was me over reacting or imagining things 🙄 and still to this day I have received no validation from anyone that I was abused and that he destroyed me! They don’t see it! And I’m not the same person! But it’s like he swapped places with me and stole everything from me, including myself and personality…and I’ve been a wreck so of course now it looks even more like “it was me” …I am so resentful and hate him! I know this isn’t healthy but it’s so hard when the world also further perpetuates all of these things when they just don’t see what happened! It feels like a secondary abuse of sorts, even though innocent…I often felt like I wish he beat the crap out of me! So at the very least I can get support and understanding when I left!

Huh. I’ve been questioning and doubting that I’ve been narcissistically abused because it didn’t match up with Overt and it slightly matched up with covert. This is pretty spot on. And it’s so hard to prove it to other people.

Emotional novacain until a relationship or a job ends. God bless every soul here.

The numbness and drifting through life. I've been in this state for the last 2 years. Even when I've separated from him, it persisted and I felt I had no direction in life. We are back together and I still feel this way. I get afraid that I'm stuck like this.

Thank you for explaining this. Many people talk about narcissism but they don't talk about these confusing 'crimes of omission'. Very insightful and healing. Thank you

I think my mother treated me how she must have been treated. I cant understand why you wouldnt want to hug your own child. 😢

Wow, this all resonates with me so much. I’m just a shell of who I used to be. I’ve been with my narc for 21 years… since I was 15 years old. This summer has been one of the worst (well not really because he makes sure all of my summers are shit) I have two kids, 10 more years until my youngest is 18. I don’t know if I’ll make it that long. My mom passed away when I was 15 my dad in 2020 and my big sister in 2021. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I need help 😞 thank you for your videos, when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope I listen and it reminds me that I’m not this horrible/lazy person that can’t do anything right. I just want to be happy

It’s all about you Jo. We don’t or no one wants to be involved in your drama. This is how my own mother and sister shame me into silence. The hardest part to me I trying not to defend myself or explain myself. That’s really hard to do because they lie to make themselves right which literally drives someone crazy. I was told that I was the narcissist and I scapegoat my family because of my bipolar disorder. I have to get to the place where I refuse to listen to there nonsense and remember that I’m not crazy and I know what happened. Now I tell them let’s take a lie detector test!

This hit me hard. After I left the narcissist in my life, it was a struggle to hear people say and do kind things to me or for me. It would make me cry and make me feel like my feelings were hurt. It was so overwhelming to accept the good in others and to see that I deserve it. Is that normal?

My soon to be ex kept dismissing my feelings of being bullied by his mother. He also only gave me partial truth if things. I always wondered where I stood with him. It’s destroyed me.

No one has ever summed up my childhood and adult struggles so clearly. 😢

This ALL hits home big time. I'm about to change my life & start over yet AGAIN because I got stuck living with my narcissistic mother who has ALL these traits. My cat was literally my only friend & support, just crossed over & now I have nothing. So I'm making the decision to try & move out, & I have no idea how or what that looks like. I do love where I live & it's so sad that 1 person can completely destroy that. I'm sad about it, but if I'm going to have any future joy & a normal nervous system, I know I have to get out.

I have so much to say about this but have no words. It's hard to talk about the Narc Mom and Alcoholic Step-dad. Feelings of guilt and shame just to breathe and exist. I hope you do more on this. Ty

YIKES! “trauma-informed or other similar designations are not regulated or overseen in any way-not even for social service, health and mental health agencies. Anyone can say they are trauma-informed.” I could not find this person listing her actual credentials on her website or ANYWHERE!

I think my mother came up with a term for emotional neglect in which she, apparently, knew she was guilty of while raising her four children. She called it "benign neglect" because she determined that her emotional neglect didn't really cause us any real harm. Between the four of us siblings there were two teenage pregnancies, a runaway, substance abuse, clinical depression and more. No real harm there, right?

Ma'am you are helping me heal more than you ever know. I am not diminishing into the ground helped me.Thank You! ♦️🌹❤️

Michelle, so much of this fits my mom and yet she took care of my basic needs: food, clothing, education, present on b'day/xmas. This makes me so guilty that I am complaining about not being hugged, told I'm important, sought out, etc. Is it possible I expected too much? I experience all the symptoms you listed.

Speaking up about it will result in punishment…forced to be silent and almost defending this “Mis understanding”

Michele, you're extraordinary. TRULY extraordinary. Your voice, your mind, your character, your personality, your physique, everything. I love everything about you. You have helped me in so many ways, and I truly and seriously appreciate you for it. Please keep up the grand work. You are one of the most important people in this world 🤦🏾‍♂️🌎💚❤️💎🙌🏾💯

Thank you for talking about this. My mother showed me no verbal or physical affection. She made no real secret of the fact that she was disappointed in me for reasons I had no control over... physical weaknesses, illness, medical costs and several aspects of my physical appearance, not deformed or handicapped, but disappointingly not what she hoped for. Because she said things that revealed her feelings, I had an extremely confusing emotional dilemma, believing that my mother could not help her feelings, and that I was just ugly. I still can't get over these feelings. The only time I tried to address it by telling her that her constant comments about my appearance and her lack of affection and validation, she had hurt me deeply. She totally turned this around snd said that by telling her this I had hurt her. She was crying snd never acknowledged or apologised for all her insulting comments through my life. I stopped trying to win her acceptance by being an overachiever and continually bending over backwards to do nice things, making elaborate cards, writing letters, and buying her special gifts, which she had never done for me. She had expended very little emotional or thoughtful attention to do things that would have been special to me. I finally stopped writing letters to her late in my 50s. She died in her late 80s and since then my brother who never bothered to keep in touch also blamed me for personal choices in my life, saying I had broken her heart by making personal choices about religion, etc. I was always trying my best to be a good person and had never done anything to bring actual shame on my family. I had done well in education and career. I still don't know how to deal with the confusion of the feelings I had since early childhood. I have had several relationships with narcissists since then. I have had a lot of therapy in the past. The only thing that arises when I try to deal with this, is a sense of helplessness that I am honestly a good and worthwhile and loveable person, but have never been really desired or loved for who I am.

That's me. That's my problem. "A nervous system so overwhelmed that you can't enjoy life". I feel like my parents try to sabotage me via emotional neglect. But they aren't mean, they aren't actively abusing me. So I start to get paranoid that I'm overreacting but I never feel this way when I'm around other people. And they treat me differently than they do anyone else. Including my narc abusive sister. But they tell me they don't need to treat me as well as they do her because "I'm always ok and she's got so many problems". They treat her like the golden child because she's such a problem constantly. Meanwhile they seem to sabotage me because I've got my life together. I'm living with them for a week and I don't know how I'll make it. But I feel crazy because they aren't really doing anything to me per se.

I was encouraged to get and enjoyed my chickens /ducks...i even made $ and friends thu selling their eggs. My husband encouraged and even set up pens/houses for them. They became my company while he was gone 12-16 hrs aday "working". No family in state, no friends except on phone or egg customers. We literally lived 1 hour from Church/church friends in the middle of nowhere. Then suddenly when i broke my foot, he dispised them, ragged on me about them, complained he had to do my job feeding/ putting them up at night. (i was on crutches while living in a beautiful RV...stairs to outside was dangerous. Thats how i fell). Then, he was going to shoot them all and i had to give them all away w enclosures within a couple of months( over $2000 investment). Encouraged my joy in them...then rip them away. Is this part of his narcicsm ? Is that covert or malignent? This question is going round in my head??

I was sick my entire childhood. Pneumonia 3x and other stuff like asthma. Once I left the house I never got sick again.

I really like, that you are so calm, while talking about narcissism. Most videos about narcissism are so full of bitterness and even hate. But when I hear you calm voice, i just feel sad about what happened with me in the past, without all the bitterness. I can even feel a bit compassion for those wounded people, who need to exploit others emotions...

When I was young, before what Mom called our (her too ) nervous breakdown, I tried to get help. I told a priest I was being abused. He said no, it was neglect. I'm a third generation victim of narcissistic abuse. AT LEAST. DEFINITELY GENERAL TRAUMA has been passed down in our family, our DNA, our respective inability to properly share, care and bond. Good topic.

I remember crying as a child only to get irritation about me not knowing why I cried. And as a teenager I remember being shouted at for making (wanting to make, to be exact) others feel miserable when I feel miserable. That was from one of the parents. Somehow I never remember the other one at all in situations when I felt unwell. It was better that way though

So true. The neglect almost cost me my life. Acute myeloid leukemia.

It’s interesting how you were able to recognize the whole hole in the soul thing in other people.

Im feeling so damaged that it seems unfixable from this stuff. Ugh