I went through law school. If there is one thing I can confirm, it is that many of the best law students/lawyers were ruthless, cold, cutthroat, conniving, manipulative, grandiose, entitled and arrogant.

On the flip side, being extremely smart isn't even remotely effective in protecting you from a narcissist.

Empaths are high in affective empathy, but low in cognitive empathy. We are naive to predators. That’s how they manage to manipulate us. Because we believe that we’re seeing is real.

Narcissists often use big words to distract from the fact that they are saying absolutely nothing. Word salad at its finest.

Reminds me of that quote in a Harry Potter book: ‘It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities’ (Dumbledore)

Every victim they abused is a bridge burned. An enemy created. If Narcissists were truly smart, they will know the consequences of their actions and it's inevitable the victims will catch up one day. Some of them will even want revenge.

I often come across individuals who have only a surface-level understanding of things but lack the ability to think critically. Dealing with such people can be difficult as they tend to have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a desire to control everything. These individuals view self-reflection and critical thinking as weaknesses and are often insensitive to others.

Just because someone is smart, it doesn’t mean they have the heart.

12:11 I heard the exact same sentence. Successful smart people can be the worst behind closed doors

Smart ruthless people are revered by society, thus allowed to get away with "murder".

Someone truly smart (and wise) will not speak in a way to cause you to doubt yourself. They will help you see your own wisdom and add to it when needed.

I went to medical school and worked with other doctors for 30 years, they were the most narcissistic and revolting people I have ever seen in my life.

Yes. Exactly. I saw a maths genius. Thriving in our workplace. I saw a popular colleague, whom everyboby liked and respected. When we started a romantic relationship, I couldn't believe the hell that was unfolding more and more...the evilness, coldness of this once respected colleague.😢 I trusted him for his smartness. Big mistake. Thank you, Dr Ramani. It isn't a virtue.

"The biggest fool in the room is the one who thinks of themselves as the smartest person in the room" --Unknown

Smart good looking successful narcs are hard to recognize and able to get away with anything. Only the victim can see through them.

It was creativity and artisitic aptitude that got me. They also talked a lot about schooling, experiences, books they were reading (Ended up being A book not books and I found out later they hadn't even finshed that.), epic deep conversations they had had, revelations about life, etc. Big words, jargon, and word salad are still a big part of their communication. It wasn't smartness, intellect, street smarts, or accomplishments, it really was just bragging. My naivete, hopes, and dreams led me to take the bait.

On the topic of not noticing… I spent half my life recovering from being in a dangerous cult that I was raised in. And then I see YOU recently appearing in the same podcast (Andre Duqum) that this cult leader is also on! Andre has a podcast along with at least two other narcissistic cult leaders who have been accused of serious abuse. WHY ARE YOU DOING that? I need at least one person to trust. Please understand how serious this is.

We don’t notice narcissists/narcissistic behaviour because they skillfully hide it in order to get through.

Kindness is emotional intelligence that far outweghs an abusive highly intelligent person especially one with narcissism.

I know so many arrogant "Smart People" who are really stupid about life. This hit the nail on the head. I work in a school system taking care of their copiers and printers.

I recall having a hard time with a music teacher who I found absolutely abusive. I blew up at him and walked out of his class - oddly enough the other students (it was a small group of women) made endless excuses for him to me about how “that’s just the way he was”, or how he was some kind of eccentric genius and therefore should be tolerated. The teacher later called me at home literally begging me to return to class but I had had enough and never went back. I found a new teacher and lived happily everafter.

"Pay attention to the stuff that matters. The warmth. The empathy. The kindness. The mutuality of regard. Their capacity to attune to you. The psychological safety you feel with them. Patience. That's the stuff that matters. If they happen to be smart to boot - then awesome; great! But be careful to not let your sense of their smartness be a reason that you second guess yourself." Dr Ramani (11:30)

I know some extremely smart, educated individuals who are humble, kind and respectful.

It's strange that most of the narcissists I've experienced are the exact opposite. They're not charming, gregarious, or intelligent. They're the quiet ones who barely engage in conversation. They're the ones who sit in a corner and listen and observe who is the brightest and shiniest in the room. That's the one they target to try to take down. They don't all operate in the same fashion.

I would never doubt the narcissist's smartness, they know exactly what they're doing. They know when to hide or tone down the abuse, make it subtle to just the right degree, so you feeling, others don't see it, and there's nothing you can do about it.

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

Last week I went on a second interview for a job role that would have been a really good fit. The hiring manager introduced me to the coworker that I would have to work side by side on projects being we have the same job role. She was a woman, not much older than me, who instantly highjacked my interview to grandstand how much she knew and that I would be her backup. She corrected me, minimized my experience and even blew off a suggestion I put out. Sad to say I can't work with someone like this. All the narcissistic red flags popped up from the get go so I dodged a bullet with this job.

Former Australian prime Minister Bob Hawke (himself a Rhodes Scholar and very brilliant) said that he never understood why people would go on about being intelligent. He said that intelligence is a gift. It's what you do with it that matters.

These people suck out the energy out of you !! Run !!!

Our society totally overvalues being smart and successful over kind and empathic. I have been blinded by this before. No more. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

I've also met narcissists who have learned how to be smart 🤓 about being "empathic" ... very tricky 😲

Holy SHIT I needed to hear this. I always thought "if you're smart,then why would you ever be an asshole? Aren't you smarter than that?"

ATTITUDE - "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It's more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, church and homes. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We can't change our past and we can't change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. We are I charge of our attitudes". ~Charles Swindoll~

Hey folks, please keep in mind there are plenty of nasty dumb or average narcissistic individuals as well. (more often these are covert narcissists). They’re easier to spot unless the listener ascribe their silence about complex issues or bumper-sticker statements as wisdom.

It takes longer for the realization someone is a narcissist to hit when the person is smart. Smart people can mimic compassion convincingly. Smart people can also hide things like beliefs, desires, motivations and more they know would be socially unacceptable.

Smart is not intelligence and is not a stand alone admirable quality. Ethics and integrity are the “tells” of whether or not the person has virtue.

Yes! I could never tell who was a narcissist. Being educated on it, I noticed now.

Be around people that make you and everyone around them feel safe.

Funny thing is that really smart people are the ones that will adjust their beliefs if good arguments speak against them. A narcissist will never ever do that

I used to think my narc was smart, until I discovered he couldn't string together simple logic to save his own life due to his own self delusion

My deceased husband could not tolerate me receiving a compliment. A colleague of my husband gave me a compliment and fear went right through me. I glanced up at my husband, and you would have thought he was so proud but as soon as we left and were out of the building, his abuse began.

“Smart” in all of its forms is morally neutral. I’ve never understood why smart folks are assumed to be virtuous, or given a free pass for bad behavior in our culture. There’s a tendency to idolize smart, attractive, financially successful people. And that gives narcissists who fit that profile a louder voice and undeserved protection from the consequences of their actions. Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for reminding us that smart doesn’t automatically mean good.

Yes! I always say that narcissists Need to be the smartest person in the room. You are 1000% correct! Intelligence is not the most important virtue but love, compassion and empathy are more valuable. Thank you! ✝️🙏💗

"Smart people: politicians, pastors, lawyers, journalist, ' street smart '....." Luke 12:11-12 11 “When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12 for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.”

My mother excused much of my malignant narcissist father's behaviors by telling us kids in a reverent whisper, "Your father is SO SMART!" I adopted her belief for many years, often using my intelligence as a weapon rather than acting with compassion and kindness. Over seven decades, I have had to unlearn nearly everything my toxic parents taught me about life so that finally I can enjoy healthy fulfilling relationships in my senior years.

My first thought when I read the title of this, was that the BIG reason we don't notice narcissists, is because we don't have those characteristics within ourself, therefore, we don't recognize it - unless of course, and until we learn how to recognize a narcissist.

Maid series on netflix depicts the ptsd caused by emotional abuse of the narcs.

In my experience, a narcissistic person high in intelligence, especially emotional intelligence, can be actually much worse than a regular narcissist. Their intelligence or ability to empathise won't help them figure out that other people need respect but they'll rather use it as a tool to create more twisted image of the world that lets them convince others of their points and keeps themselves stronger in their entitlement.

I have yet to meet a truly 'smart' narcissist. By that, I mean someone who actually understands the knowledge they have and has basic logic and reasoning skills. They may use big, fancy words and jargon with confidence, but if you actually listen to what they're saying often it makes no sense...so if you ask them to explain the concept in plain english they won't be able to. This, to me, is clear evidence that they don't understand what they're talking about.

Yes kindness is most important.

I think it’s also the people in authority positions, we mistakenly assume they are good because they are in that position. Not always true. Just because someone is smart successful or in a power position doesn’t mean they’re good healthy safe people. Have to be careful of that for sure. Thank you Do Ramani ❤

Take their wisdom - and run!!

I am so grateful for having someone like Dr. Ramani,❤ and the genius of her wonderful mentor, Dr. Frey❤ THEY, and a few other therapists like them, are invaluable. The book smart, and the narcissistic smart, can actually be a monster 😅You may have a piece of performative, talk show sweep you under your feet, a smart guy, and they sweep you under their feet👣🦶 Now, the thing is how do you guard yourself from such camouflages? A wolf in sheep’s clothing? You need to get smarter than them, and follow your gut feelings. If you’re close in touch with God in your heart, you will have the answer, and heed the warnings in your heart. Don’t second guess yourself. Obey your inside witness. If there’s any red flags, leave stat.

My narc sister’s ex once said I was a genius. I was surprised and a little embarrassed by the compliment. But looking back, that’s about when the triangulation began…30 years ago. Every video I watch helps me identify another red flag that I never recognized. Now that there is a pattern…it seems obvious.

❤ I just love, hearing; what you have to say ❤ 🙂 Thank you 😊

ALL I ever did was 2nd guess myself because I believed the pastor we served under was a good person for the exact reasons you listed-he's smart about some things, can be charming at times, and puts on a friendly face. But there was always that niggling feeling that he is entitled, arrogant, self serving, and manipulative. Turns out he is just one of the narcs at that church who along with his Narcissistic, gatekeeping assistant & enablers use and abuse whomever they please. 7:00 -7:53!! Plus I worked for a woman who did think she was the smartest in the room and seemed to jump at opportunities to tell me in front of others how I was wrong about stuff. She always talked over people, always had to have things how She wanted, is very animated with her hands when talking at/to her audience, and got along great with the pastor&assistant mentioned above.But she also rehearsed Everything she said to her audience in advance(she often rehearsed it on me at work and I didn't recognize what was going on 😕). Funny/sad though how the assistant would bad mouth her to me and was probably doing the same about me to her.

This topic is so, so important. It was something i discussed early on with a therapist. I explored the signs of narcissism in therapy and was bamboozeled. I said this person was so smart and x,y,z i cant believe they would do this to people instead of opting for a healthy relationship. My therapist then said, "intelligence does not equal integration". Ever since then i dont write off intelligent people or put them on pedestals anymore. In fact i believe those with high intelligence are the most lethal and dangerous. Able to charm and manipulate the most powerful people in the room. Be wary of them. Dont be fooled by their degrees and studious nature as something more sinister may be brewing beneath it all.

With my experiences around narc bosses...it's all smoke & mirrors. As the new hires worship them, the seasoned employees are just shaking their heads in disbelief. It's all about tactics & timing w/them. They are typically very lazy to authentically learn. They don't have the capacity or patience. Rather, they data collect, then copy & paste into their narrative or simply create their own data to craft into their narrative combined w/their delivery & what comes out of the narc machine is a plausible image of how they need to be perceived.

This is a good observation. I always observe that people I consider smart, I also consider some of the worst people and I avoid them. Especially if the main thing they value is being smart. They're often toxic.

So Brilliant. Reminded me of that old medical show House where an entire staff put up with a highly antagonistic doctor because of his medical brilliance.

My mom used to say: "Beauty is as beauty does." Unfortunately, we live in an image and "like" focused world which tends to glamorize shallow, attention seeking behavior. With the primary society focus on ephemeral qualities, it's no wonder there is prevalence of narcissists and narcissistic engagement. Stay in knowledge and take the road less traveled - choose healthy!

Yes he was smart (even brilliant). Silly me for not paying closer attention to a lot of the other things he lacked like heart, compassion, kindness, ability to communicate effectively, patience, love, respect to name a few. I'm glad that finally, I was smart enough to recognize that he was not a 'whole person' and got the heck out.

I am praying for miracle discernment, because I went through such demonic hell narcissist abuse for years with ex-husband, it is tiresome, to go through with more...... exhausting hell disappointment....Lord point them out, i will run!!!! Praying Psalms 1-150🙏🙏🙏🙏

This happened to me in friendship and workplace settings. It took me years to see through them. They sounded smart, but in hindsight, what they said was just word salad. They talked a lot of plausible things including buzzwords, slang, jargon, and 3 or 4-letter acronyms, but it was utterly meaningless. 😮

You are plenty smart but the way you share wisdom in your wonderfully succinct way, shows true mastery of the subject. My ex has successfully alienated our 12 year old daughter from me and that continues to be the most heartbreaking element of my life. She did this to hurt me and it worked. Not a night passes without feeling grief even if I have learned how to somewhat cope during the waking hours. I wonder and wonder how and if my daughter will want a relationship with me again. I changed 95% of her diapers, read thousands of books, taught her to swim, to throw with both hands, and made more fairy houses than ya can count... essentially alone as my then wife spent her waking hours achieving a Phd and doing her post doctoral work (I am not a fan of 'smart' people anymore). So there is a strong and sincere bond with my daughter somewhere deep inside and I am counting on that to bring her back some day.

In a world where narcissism is being rewarded it is important to detach oneself from toxic vibrations. Humor and empathy engages and disarms. Being authentique, genuine and honest is needed to raise awareness around human relationships by breaking through behavioral patterns from sub cultures. You deliver great work!

There's a difference between being smart and being calculating. In 'Give and Take' Adam Grant discusses another researcher's differentiation of "Geniuses" and "Genius Makers". Geniuses tended to be "takers" and the Genius-makers tended to be "givers". If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room. True Genius knows that that absurd amount of intellect, incomprehensible to typical others, is disabling for the person cursed with being the smartest person in the room. Edit to add: Smart, being intelligent, is a random and unearned attribute that is always just one head injury away from being eliminated from your bag of tricks. Real geniuses love coming across the even smarter geniuses. It takes the pressure off

It’s the core essence of someone’s being. Their kindness, respect, compassion for others and the ability to genuinely give and receive love that will outshine ANY level of education or degree. That amazing beautiful combination makes a person the smartest one out there!❤️🌷❤️

Smart as virtue can be traced back to how very few had education access/privilege. It used to be the more royal linked, or the clergy types who had the better education/ reading access etc. A lot of our "this is morally upright" which is connected to something neutral like existing (like health), is linked to that...

Knowledge is one thing. Wisdom is ability to apply to oneself. You need to watch carefully.

They try to hide from plain sight, but eventually someone figures them out... The moment I realized I was dealing with a narc was the moment he tried to smear my reputation.... total cowards!

The very first person that came to my mind was a lawer I sought to get help with when I was divorcing my ex. The woman was full on full of herself from go. She's the type that talks at you and very fast. I cautiously asked her to slow down,so that I could better take in the info that she was trying to give. Her reply was " Mrs Wallace, you called me. I'm very good at what I do.. ect ect ect..." I was very taken aback. Long story short, I ended up letting her go, because on top of dealing with my ex husband, she pushed my stress levels to the limit. I had this feeling that if another person was in the room, with us she'd be entirely different. She was an absolute bully. And I named and shamed her on Google reviews.

My narcissist is brilliant, but I always say heart is better than smart. And smart, less heart is evil.

I have generally mistaken intelligence for compassion, and passion for love. I'm one of those PhDs w/o street smarts. It's been rough...

In my experience, narcissists use a whole bunch of large words to seem like they know more than they actually do. However, when you really listen and/or understand those big word, you realize they are saying whole bunch of nothing.

This is so true. I felt so ashamed no so long ago, because I realised that I was looking up (I hope not to much) to a public figure, who was so righteous and educated (they had like 4 degrees in difficult fields and foreign institutions). I guess, combination of instilled in childhood stereotype "good students = good kids" (which I knew was nonsense, but at the same time it's something so tempting to believe) and calculated persona/mask that person was wearing, and my own fears/feeling inferior ("oh, no, I never studied such topics, what do I know"). They hooked up people by explaining some things that ordinary people wanted to understand but couldn't afford to get that sort of education, and they did so many intense righteous rants about poor/ordinary people being exploited/fooled around by politicians/current system etc. It looked very relatable and "coming from a good place". Until they got tired or careless due to long time success and mask slipped once, twice, many more times... They even pretended to be able to predict some future events (such obvious grandiose delusion), they were wrong and were called out multiple times, but every single time they used some "over-your-head" explanation with too much professional lingo in order to make themselves somehow seem believable and those who called them out seem "stupid". Or blatantly using primitive power-trip "I studied this for x years in foreign ~elite~ university, you commoners can't possible fathom what I'm talking about, nobody believed Galileo too...". It's actually somewhat funny to look back and see what was going on in reality. Reminds Frank Gallagher from tv-series "Shameless" (US version. The show is practically anthology about toxic everything). Professional con-artist... It takes times to get to know a person, any person. Very experienced liars with a lot of means are not instantly spottable. They pretend they have no interest or gain from what they're doing, "they just want to help people" (what a lie). And it's hard to let go of that first good impression and/or couple of years spent on them. But it worth it. Even public figure can be toxic like a poison and it's much better to throw them out of one's life. I did felt sick after reading their social media posts or interviews with them, yet I couldn't connect the dots until I finally recognized toxic behaviours that were showing through sometimes. Thank you, Dr.Ramani for educating on this topic! It is very helpful to know specifics in order to be able to spot it and then believe my own eyes.

You articulated it so well. My parents told me I was good for nothing, comparing me to villians and horrible ppl, god knows what kind of perception they have about me.. but my confidence has taken a beating. I was always treated as dumb. Then I met this chap and became dumb. Why? Because he was such a good hustler, smart at work, etc. I would consult him for every decision. He would always say life is like a chess. You got to play your pawns well. I used to think this was so smart. Well, he played me on the chess board, told me I was shit, and fled when the going got tough with his new supply.

In my experience from doing a Physics PhD, postdoc and establishing a career in banking and finance, you are correct in saying that smarts strongly correlate with narcissistic behavior. I noticed that in both banking and science, in banking might be more obvious and a pre-requisite for a successful career. About the point of being discouraged by being put down and belittled by a narc parent, it does not always have to be like that. One can be be even more driven and determined to follow their dreams, suceed against the odds, and prove the narc parent wrong.

They can only say they went to Yale if they slam their hands on a table while doing so. My Yale colleagues and I came to that conclusion to "properly demonstrate our intelligence." 🤣🤣🤣

All that time at the beginning when YOU think the relationship is really taking off... while they just can't WAIT to start devaluing you and dropping you down to their level.

Yeah I agree, Just because your “Smart!” does not mean you can be toxic to people!!!

Despite being valuable assets to any organization, individuals with high levels of compassion, empathy, and vital intelligence are frequently overlooked for leadership positions in both public and private sectors. This is due to a common misconception that leadership roles require a more assertive and dominant personality (i.e., a narcissist who likes to change things without assessing the current processes, tools, policies, procedures, and pretentiousness of positivity ) rather than one who is realistic, compassionate and understanding.

I was the family scapegoat but I was never told I was dumb. My parents always said I was intelligent. But they said I was a rotten child will a rotten character. My father even said he wished I was never born. He belted me. Threw me down the stairs. Ly mother neglected me. Told me I had no friends and that nobody liked me. My sister, the golden child and her husband (flying monkey) were the worst abusers.

I have listened Carefully to most if not all your podcasts and truly resonate with you Dr Ramani..This one is presentrd uniquely and really pulls it all together..THANK YOu for being a source of inspiration and strength .

Intelligence is not a virtue! Many abusive, charming, skilled, successful, attractive people are also very smart! Be careful out there and who you let into your inner circles!!! Thank you for another great video, Dr Ramani!!! We appreciate you!

"smartness at best is a parlor trick" THANK YOU

Dr. R, you just described my last relationship in a nutshell. He thought he knew everything and often made condescending remarks to me about me and about other people. He had no empathy for people, or he would “pretend” to care for public face value. He would hold past mistakes against people and refuse to accept that people can grown and change. He would use his PTSD from war injuries to justify treating people like crap.

Since I work at a university I am SO wary around smart people. From experience!

I was literally asking this question today I swear to god! I can’t believe I’m seeing this. Ty Dr Ramani! I can’t believe I fell for a covert narc n m so mad i didn’t see it. I never knew about covert narc ! I’m still angry 😡 I got taken ! I’m totally empath n thought I was saving her like she proclaimed .

You have nailed it dr Ramani! Being smart is not a virtue and it often goes hand in hand with narcissism. We can admire the smart in people but it must never be used as justification for abuse or arrogance or maltreatment of others. Empathy, compassion, kindness and humility are real virtues and we shouldn’t be discouraged to think otherwise by the haughty and arrogant smarts. Thank you 🙏 so much dr Ramani ❤

Really smart people can explain things in simple clear terms to their grandmother. It is both a blessing and a curse to be smart.

One time I said this very thing in a comments section. "Being smart is not a virtue. It's a genetic roll of the dice." And most people didn't quite know how to handle that statement. But one guy took _deep_, personal offense to that statement. He was rude, grandiose, and entitled, and tried to verbally beat me down, being incredibly arrogant the whole time. See, that's the exact person Dr Ramani made this video about. He felt because he had gone through higher education that that was what made his intelligence into a virtue. Thank you Dr Ramani for pointing out that higher education is a selfish process. And might I add, often is most successful when you have a partner at home that cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids and the person who is studying all the time. It can be a somewhat parasitic process, actually, getting that MD or JD.

I have never seen a smart narcissist.Being smart means to me being authentic and transcendental,maybe thatswhy.I could never value materialistic intelligence,transcendentality and authenticity is the only level to me.Or maybe sports.If someone is good in sports.❤

The one I briefly dated thought he was smart, but all he did was dominate conversations so no one else could speak. If you managed to get a word in and challenged his opinions or "facts" he'd go on a tirade, tearing you down. His favorite insult was to claim you had no emotional intelligence (EQ) as he was flying into a rage.

The why is their excuse to keep behaving in a toxic and abusive manner. For me, the why doesn’t matter. What matters is the what for, right? What is the end objective when no conversation is innocent? What is the narcissist trying to achieve? You helped me see that. It is envious and disdainful and no love can sprout from either of those emotions. Where there is disdain, there is no love. I can’t thank you enough!

Intelligence is not a virtue (evil geniuses are a trope for a reason), wisdom is because it incorporates kindness.

It's more like the narcissist wants to give the ILLUSION of being the smartest person in the room. They are NOT "smart"... Maybe they're 'knowledgeable' with certain things, but, not to any difference than someone else with normal behavior who has the same knowledge. The only difference between a narcissist and normal person who both have the same level of knowledge is that the narcissist is more flamboyant, boastful, pushy, & openly prideful about it, whereas the normal person is none of those. This is the same for covert narcissists too. Only difference is the covert narcissist does this on a targeted one-on-one basis rather than in the middle of a crowd out of fear of either being judged by someone they don't know or identified by someone they don't know who sees through their BS.

Sadly, it took me years to figure it out, and when I did, I was so startled and shocked. And then I began to wonder if it was I who was/is the narcissist. I guess it's actually my fault, but I just didn't see it - had a few suspicions about some odd things, but chalked it up to the person being different - I really didn't see it.

Trying to, doc. Not easy 😊. Thanks for being a healing person

Other charming ways narcissists present: crowd-pleaser/center of attention, performer, supremely self-confident, great sense of humor, people-centric, sex appeal, bad boy/rebel, risk taker, know-it-all, willingness to lead.