I am an expert on selflessness and the harmful downfalls.

I believe that's a Henry Ford quote; “Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do."

Some guys have all the luck ❤️‍🔥

That’s brilliant 😮

Absolutely, I've always heard Givers are always surrounded by takers. That's always been the case with me!

Yes!

I believe in a relationship there should be sacrifices on both sides. If both sides arent giving then it becomes toxic.

@@sapphirestar3978 I agree there are sacrifices and compromises that both parties may need to make. Relationships really are about giving and receiving and we should enter into a relationship based on what we can give to it, not what we can get from it. But both people need to share these same relationship values for that dynamic to work.

This! It is toxic to you and others imo

Codependency only occurs when both parties depend on eachother and neither can break away without suffering more. I believe every marriage is and should be Codependent (each person using one's own strengths to contribute to each other, the home, the kids, and/or pets while covering for each person's weaknesses) in a healthy manner. Friendship should have some kind of Co-dependency but not at the expense of the Married couple and their family and home. I have a friend who I met in College. This friend was very responsible and helped oneself, us, and others. This friend went through a very negative life changing event and has gone downhill. Instead of taking care of oneself, my friend still gave energy and resources to others and purchased frivolous things (new pets, eating out, TV and entertainment subscriptions, driving all over the place even when low on gas and not enough funds to get gas, various non-essential items, etc) and neglecting one's own needs. This friend would "cry" about not having food, gas, funds for the vet, etc and we'd give Friend funds to bail Friend out in exchange for Babysitting. Sometimes Friend would do/purchase things for oneself that our family took out of our budget in order to help friend not drown (we were Stable and could be above stable but friend was "drowning" so we tried to help friend be stable). Eventually Friend would start "drowning" more often and ask us to Babysit our kids to earn more money when we had no need or desire to pay for Babysitting (we were gone from home a lot for work and some date nights...we needed to be home to raise our own kids too....Friend practically was a third parent). Over the course of 10 years, we phased from enthusiatically helping, to having Friend earn the help, to dreading the next help request and giving financial budgeting advice, to requiring budgeting "homework" (poorly completed and eventually never completed), to warning that we will be gradually cutting back our financial aid, and cutting off certain other resouces to give friend time to transition back to independence. The Life Event happened roughly 10 years and Friend had minor events of One's own irresponsible actions since then. We decided we were enabling Friend and have cut Friend off of 95% resources between 10 years ago and now. We still pay $10 per month for Friend's Phone so friend doesn't have to pay $50+ for less than what our plan provides. Bottom Line: We are no longer dependent on friend but friend is still overly dependent on us and others and can never hope to pay a fraction of what is owed to us that doesn't include the gifts given to Friend. There is a power dynamic where we're stable but friend is not responsible enough to regain stability yet. We can't hang out with friend without feeling guilty because of Friend's complaints of "Life's Woes". Friend still owes me budgeting homework in exchange for the last $250 needed to pay for an emergency vet visit for one of two cats (also owns a Service Dog and use to have hamsters and fish....the hamsters died of old age and fish are gone to who knows where). This was promised to me in MAY 2023. We're slowly getting our family life back and learning to not feel guilty about not helping when we hear a sob story (whether is legit or not). In the future, if we do help someone, we'll either require evidence up self help up front or it'll be a one time assist/bailout.

Oh I understand that!

You will always be the asshole, because you set such a high expectation about yourself for others. So they don't understand why all of the sudden, you don't meet those expectations anymore. And they hit you with: "So you never were the one I thought you were, you faked it!" "You're so selfish, what about MY needs? Don't you love me?" No matter how you will word this, they won't get why you took that 360 on them... Unless they actually care about you. This is when you realize whether or not you've been wrong to give that much. And yes, I'm often deemed a self-absorbed asshole too! The terms don't matter, only your reasons do.

Some claim to be people pleasers only AFTER they have “crossed a line” (they knew they were getting close but chose to continue). They are uncomfortable with people being upset with them but they still are clueless about why what they did was wrong. Then it continues. So these aren’t true people pleasers. These are autistics. I needed to figure this out recently.

MAGNIFICENTLY SAID ❤🎉❤🎉❤😂😂😂 I've learned 2 B ok with being the asshole❤️🧡💛💚💜

Beginner Jerk here. Just glad extended family had healthy boundaries to avoid taking advantage of me. It's friends who now think I'm the jerk for slowly cutting off "help" and assistance. I have my Spouse and kids who love me no matter my giving assistance or not. Now I'm focusing on loving them more than I help others. Eldest child is learning to set boundaries by seeing the consequences of not doing so. I'm proud of her. She gets to learn early.

The accuracy! Cause it's like he's reading from my life script

And before anyone is allowed to have a relationship for sure. Imagine, how many more happy relationships we would have.

TOTALLY!!!!

Great insights. Do you have any suggestions on books or classes?

@@rachelb315 not that I can think of. I had this epiphany during therapy.

I think this describes me quite well🥲

🎯

I'm trying to think this out but I also think there's a difference between people pleasing with the Self in mind, versus people pleasing because you haven't learned how to think of yourself in any equation. I find that some form of people pleasing comes from the approach of "Well if I can, then I don't have a reason not to" because they aren't able to see the actual cost that it has on them. Because no one taught them to how to do that self-assessment.

Oh my God..; I have these same friends. Now on my owm❤

They should teach this in school.

Same, too bad there was no KZfaq 30 years ago.

I agree and I sent it to my daughter to help her unlearn what I did in my life and relationships. I did not know how to teach this. I am just learning myself now at 58

Or give when it comes from your heart… openly giving is an act of love. That’s different than “if you have to” or because of survival patterns.

None of them will even try to understand my plight! Just because I’m not married and don’t have children Does Not Mean I’m the family death nurse. They’re not tolerable

So happy that you've found a friend in Christ. It doesn't stop things from happening but gives you an anchor in the storm, and gives you something to hold on to when everything else fall apart.

That’s really hard, I was in a similar situation. Sending you lots of love ❤

Thank you 🙏🏼

@@kerrymillar1267 what did you do? I'm still searching for validation that what I'm doing is right.

⁠@@rachelevelyn777Hi Rachel! I know this question was for the other person but I went through this too. I stayed I a relationship for 22 years and we had one child. I stayed hoping things would get better. It led to many years of depression, anxiety, self-doubt, health issues etc. I let the “good” thing’s override all of the bad things. I justified his bad behavior and changed so much about myself (diminished my light, happiness, personality etc.) The toxic behavior from my sons father really made an impact on my son too. It effected his relationship with God. My son believes in God and Jesus but since his earthly father let him down and he felt like he kept having to “work” for his dads approval (even though he nothing ever seemed to be good enough). So now I’m healing and helping my son heal. I want him to know the Love of God and how God sees Him and is pleased not by how his earthly father has shown him. This is a spiritual battle. Once I realized the ex was a distraction and diversion from what God had planned for me I made the decision that he had to leave. I denounced and came out of agreement with that ungodly soul tie in Jesus name. It’s been a year now and my relationship with God has grown so much!! And there is so much more peace and I can think clearly. There’s still work to do but I wish I had made the decision earlier. My goal is to help my son. My prayers go out to you. The Holy Spirit will show/guide you. I saw all the signs before but dismissed them. You may be getting your answer so pray that you accept what is being revealed. 🤍🙏🏼

Wooow i just broke up for the same reasons.

Watch dr Ramoney on narcissistic behavior it has helped me to heal...within a relationship or outside of one...your responsibility is taking care of yourself at this point. Be the best you can be, even when he is not...search yourself to ensure you are staying kind( speak the truth in LOVE),

This sounds like my situation, except I don’t even dare send him any of these videos. But never worry… he makes it to church every week and prays and reads his Bible everyday. I’m so glad I knew who God was before I met him and that he was not my introduction to God… because if that were the case, I would want nothing to do with God.

@@CrochetySharon ya my husband made it VERY clear 2 days ago NOT to send him anymore KZfaq videos.. especially “from some guy on KZfaq that is a feminist and doesn’t know him or our situation personally, he doesn’t agree with him at all or what to hear his BS”… I tried to explain why I sent it and he was like ya fine go.. as he rolls his eyes.. I told him that right there is obvious he doesn’t care about the “why” his actions are saying he just wants to shut me up so hurry and speak so you can leave me alone. Asked if he would be upset if someone sighed and said that to him and rolled their eyes when he wanted to explain something and be vulnerable.. he just deflected and argued. I tried to just explain why I sent it and since i had more than one point he started questioning (after the 2nd one) why I was still talking, I was supposed to say “the” reason and then he could go back to watching his movie.., 👍 ok got it.. we will. It ok, God and me are working on a plan 😉 not dealing with that crap anymore And I agree… he goes to church very few these days and refuses to pray with me for years now .. definitely knew God before him and part of my vetting was they had to be a practicing Catholic… now I feel like I am married to a pagan… so sad Praying for your situation ♥️

@@atdepaulispraying for yours too. Prayer for guidance from God and His strength to do what he wants us to do.

Take care of you first… they don’t want to listen or do anything to fix anything ..l it’s all good work on an another plan.❤

Your not alone . God is with you . Find friends to talk to and hang out . Being alone is one of the scariest feelings we have . But being alone while married is the worst . I know this feeling . I’m alone being married for 16 years . The best thing anyone can do for themselves is learn how to enjoy being by yourself . Take yourself out for coffee , have a glass of wine in a bath, watch a movie you always wanted as I have started doing these things and not caring if they are pleasing to my husband as I started putting myself first more often . I have finally realized that I would rather be single for the rest of my life then be constantly rejected . I pray you find someone you can enjoy talking to , sharing good conversations and companionships ❤

I firmly believe, based on my own experience as well as witnessing the lives of others, that "No husband is better than a bad husband." Living alone does not automatically make you lonely. You can always reach out and establish meaningful, supportive friendships and afford these people as much or as little space in your life as YOU choose. Living under the same roof with someone who distances, ignores or, worse yet, neglects and abuses you is the very definition of the deepest form of loneliness. Stay? Leave? It's our choice and it's important to know that there is a price to be paid whichever we choose.

Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step group found nation wide if you are in the US. People mistake it as a drug or alcohol program but 2/3 of attendees are just working through any of life's hurts, hang-ups or habits they want to quit. You can meet supportive people or just go to be listened to in a confidential and anonymous environment. Best of luck

Thank you for being vulnerable!

What a wake-up call, this was.❗️

In case you've not yet found him, Gabor Mate has books & KZfaq videos on addictions, & on the price we pay in our health for being people-pleasers, co-dependents... I hope you check it out.

​@@margaretsearle5173Do they also help you come up with solutions?? I may check it out. ❤

@rebecca You are definitely not alone. Working on my inner self, watching inspiring videos, such as this, reading great books, and counseling has helped me tremendously. It's hard, but accepting your relationship as it is, is key. I had to face a lot of hard realities..not a picnic in the park, but worth it. It has lightened my heavy load. I stopped focusing on him so much and do things I enjoy. I did all of this not for him, nor my marriage but for my mental health. Working on inner self is PRICESLESS!! It saved me in sooo many ways.❤❤

Well said! Thank you

Yes well said!

that gave me some value and helped me out of a dark place, but as i matured, i realized, i need to focus on those that value me, and together the sum was greater then its' parts.

I am of the same kind. And have a friend like that. I was often irritated by her insisting on always giving something, never accepting even suggestions of help. Thank you for bringing this to light. For me, I take it as a possibility to practice saying "no" in a gentle and firm way. Also, for me this is a revelation/confirmation that a person disrespecting our boundaries is not a vilain. It takes a huge amount of self-conscious effort for an honest person, who is not a taker, to deal with a pleaser and giver... So grateful for these videos. Love to all

Wow😮

You talk about people pleasers like they have some sort of character flaw or moral failing. That’s not what people pleasing is. People pleasers have strong values and ethics just like you, they just won’t risk sharing them in an effort to avoid conflict. This is my mom. She goes along with whatever, but that does not mean she lacks her own convictions inside. What a silly conclusion to make. My mom wasn’t born that way. She became that way because of spending years with her abuser. So it’s not about them being “entirely unacceptable chameleons.” People pleasers are broken people. They are deserving of your compassion instead of your ridicule. I’d expect someone boasting online about what a “giver” they are to recognize this.

@@ebrennie 1- The inverted commas in 'people pleasers' (in my comment) are there for a good reason. 'People pleasers' are widely perceived negatively. This video is one example of such perception. I happen to concur with this view - that's my opinion. 2- You suggested a definition for 'people pleasers' in that they are people who do indeed have convictions but they refrain from sharing them to avoid conflict. They "go along with whatever" as you said. Fine. Now, whatever the motive behind such choice, the person who does this should not be put in the same basket with the person who is a 'giver'. These are two different traits. This was the point of my message 😉

@@ebrennie 3- As for the chameleon metaphor you disliked, interestingly the aforementioned definition you proposed for 'people pleasers' aptly fits this metaphor. Here is a definition I found online and copy/paste: "As a Chameleon, a man fears sharing the parts of himself that he knows. He holds secrets about himself and seeks to be what he perceives others want him to be or what he believes will get him the acceptance from others. In order to become a Lion, the Chameleon must reveal himself openly and vulnerably."

Wooow

🙏🙏🙏

You should know that you are not alone ! Your family is stage in your life just think you can create your own one that include anything you didn't have and you wish to have make your missing parts the most inspire and strong ones!

here is a tip. if you got friends who constantly need someone to talk to, give them the broom, or get them to do some dishes while they tell you their problems. i know it sounds silly, but i lost capacity to help becuase i didnt have time for myself. a good talk takes a few hours. we all need it, but the reality is it eats into my life and i am now one day behind in my chores. if you want me to be there fore you always, start paying upfront. you will get less repeat problems too :P "hey can we talk?" "sure, i need help to clean out the basement, come on over"

​@@-IE_it_yourselfoof. i've got this backwards. i'm out here cleaning their houses AND listening to their problems

I would start with the basics that everyone should have. A partner who listens and wants to understand your side and compromises. A partner who is not demeaning and belittling. A partner that is willing to own when they make a mistake and to fix it. In my experience, those things predict how exhausted and miserable you will ultimately feel, if they are missing. And we owe no one being miserable for them to be happy. We owe ourselves being in a relationship that doesn’t feel bad. Setting boundaries is simply saying “these are the healthy things i need from someone i give my love and commitment.” I learned the hard way giving them love isn’t the same as giving them therapy. And they have to want that. Narcissistic abuse nearly destroyed my life. Of course, i didn’t know what that was at the time. But the next time, i set strong boundaries about respect, consideration, and effort required. And today i’m with a lovely man. Another person acting like a caveman because “that’s who they are” doesn’t mean your being selfish for not letting him grab you by the hair drag you off.

@@MayfloweralwaysSpeaking to me with all of this! The caveman example makes me chuckle though since every guy I’ve dates who refused to meet me in the middle was definitely not masculine… TBH they were all so far away from cavemen that they were honestly like immature little boys once I got to know them. No thank you!

@DFTBA221B SAME SAME SAME!!!!!!! I’m super super super sensitive to being controlled myself, so I’ve never wanted to risk making someone else feels controlled

Jimmy has a short on that. I would say, boundaries is not something you throw at your partner from the top of your head. I understand they are an indication of what are the things and actions that allow you to feel respected and valued - the minimum non-negotiable?.. So they are a result of self-analysis in the first place. An interesting moment is when you start making a list of what is ok for you, what would hurt you and what you would not accept. You discover a lot about yourself. And when you imagine somebody showing such a list to you, what would be your reaction? Thank you, dear

So true!!

The intensity and details and exact wording making this video remarkable between all the others and outstanding. Thank you.

@@rich-ard-style6996yes exactly, these words shine out.

Where’s your instagram content gone?

My guess is you subconsciously are drawn to people who are emotionally broken, which accounts for them using then abandoning you. My guess is you might find it very helpful to getting involved in a group therapy that facilitates healing from past trauma wounds as when you come to peace with your past I would expect you will be drawn to healthier people.

Being the giver is fine, just check that you're not over giving without reciprocation. Paradoxically, when you over give, people's sense of fairness, and to reciprocate acts of kindness, service, and appreciation... may suddenly drastically drop when your gifts become expected and banal, rather than cherished as intentional acts of love. If you find yourself providing and being taken for granted, try asking for words of appreciation, hugs, or quality time doing something you love.

I am autistic too (Asperger's), and I think I cracked it down. Btw, write me if you want. As you probably figured out (don't know your age I am 34) world is complicated and they are so many opposing rules which collide and its utter trash. Regarding the topic, set yourself rules. I have many and it's clearing out the takers. I hosted more than 350 people through Couchsurferfing and no one stole a thing from me. I use mimicri and that's like life changer. Now, I moved to next level so I am applying the culture inside of the field. It's yealding impressive results. 3 times and that's it. 1st strike could be mistake, second is usually rule, 3rd is a rule. When you spot a behaviour which annoys you, politely tell. For that, learn etiquette. Boundaries between people were already set. It's good tool. Live your life. Try to find a skill that is also a hobby and practice it in free time. Since it's a hobby and important person will come around in natural not forced way, you might start to think go full retard mode. However, people like to have their own personal space as we do. Don't prone, people will tell you everything and even more. So honesty, being helpful and supportive might sit you up pretty high. However it's hard to stay and develop all the skillsets. I hope that it's understandable, if not, well someone will write a comment. :)

I second that! Love your work & how you articulate complex concepts, Jimmy! 🙌🏼

@yvonne The Greatest love is self-love.❤❤

When shouting/screaming, it is because 1. Being extremely stress-exhausted and chronically abused and sleepless, 2. Thinking one not being heard/seen/respected, 3. overreacting from all previos times when my calm, poloite asking has gone unheard and needs gone unmet, 4. Being in fear , deep fear and bewilderment, desorientation at why not getting help for decades and being so sick. Sorry

Great idea! Would love to hear one about emotional safety, too. I had the same experience.... I tried and tried to explain what that meant but my husband did not ever really seem to understand it. Thanks!

Same with the adult children! I am honestly triggered by how entitled they are but it's my fault they are that way because I wanted them to have a different life than me and well....I went too far with it.

This is so nice of you!!