As a reminder - if my videos resonate with you and you are tired of learning about the narcissist and yet still feeling stuck - if you're ready to now turn your focus on you and how you can HEAL from this horrific abuse, come join me live on zoom in the School of Transformation. I meet live weekly with survivors from all over the world that are doing the inner work to overcome the cptsd that narcissistic abuse creates! There are 9-12 live zoom mtgs each month - most are recorded in case you are unable to attend live! I'll leave the link here for you to see if it's a good fit for you: www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation

it takes longer to realise you are being abused when there is not physical abuse, and the person is actually a pillar in the community.

Self abandonment, toxic shame, harsh inner critic, social anxiety, emotional flashbacks are signs of CTPSD

My mother died on Feb. 21. I am sorry to say it has been a relief. I am the victim of narcissistic abuse.

I’m so hyper vigilant, it’s exhausting! I’m always exhausted. I guess the ruminations of every conversation or interaction drives me crazy.

I’m on alert always. Super attentive, overly anxious, cautious, on edge. Therefore, I read people’s footsteps, how they close doors, place things down, the breaths they take, sighs they make etc….its so exhausting….gotta make it stop.

100% Constantly living in anxiety especially upon waking up in the morning.

My mother's mom was a huge narcissist. Everything was always about HER. My mom was very traumatized growing up. Her trauma meant that my sister and I suffered the second hand effects. Not much is ever said about the grandchildren of a narcissist, but I can tell you that the currents still run through. My sister and I took parenting classes, got therapy, and swore that we would break the chain. I think we did fairly well.

I quit singing, laughing and lived on red alert for 15 years. I got cancer twice. I’m out of there now and will never go back.

Why does nobody mention PTSD, dissociation, social anxiety, agoraphobia. That can be caused after this type of abuse

I describe the feeling as my inner light has been extinguished. Narcissists are parasites that should be avoided at all costs

Learning self approval was my saviour from narcissistic abuse. However, I am now experiencing red flag syndrome and struggle to trust anyone who displays any signs of narcissism, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. I will never walk on eggshells again.

"I had to teach myself to laugh again." Yes, that resonates very deeply. Laughing and crying were two behaviors that are no longer regularly present in my life experience, and when it does happen, it is manic.

While caring for my aging malignant narcissistic mother I learned origami on KZfaq, bought a peaceful beach scene paint by number kit, and watched numerous KZfaq videos pertaining to narcissism. Those hobbies got me through my mother’s mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. Through prayer/ many conversations with God He opened up an opportunity for me to leave my obligation to take care of my mom and I thank Him everyday for the peace and joy I am experiencing. Don’t let learned helplessness hold you back from a future filled with opportunity and tranquillity.

The loss of executive function that narcissistic abuse has caused is the single most destructive manifestation of CPTSD for me. It turns business and personal life into a wasteland because important things just never get done. If coercion has been a component of your relationships, this is especially true. When the narcissist disappears, along with them goes your means of command and control. It can be extremely difficult to learn to think independently and execute tasks, and life can become a place cluttered with broken functions and institutions. This has been by far the most vexing and depressing part of recovery.

Starts at 6:20 1. self abandonment 2. toxic shame 3. harsh inner critic 4. social anxiety 5. emotional flashbacks

You were so blessed to find a therapist who knew what was going on. 🌸

I have to learn how to laugh again. My happiness and joy is quiet but real, but there is no overt expression of playfulness or laughter. I had one good laugh and my stomach muscles hurt.

My dad was an extreme narcissist, absolute perfect textbook example. When I was a child he was also physically abusive on a few occasions and there was so much emphasis on this as being the cause of my trauma. My mom and all of the therapists I was taken to were constantly focused on these instances of physical abuse and neglect and though they were traumatic, I have come to realize that the most traumatic aspect of his abuse was not physical. It was all of his lies and manipulation and psychologically twisting my brain to convince me I was worthless and broken. That has been the hardest thing to overcome because it turned me into a highly anxious people pleaser with no self esteme for most of my child, teen and early adult years. I also could not recognize for a long time when "friends" and other people were mistreating me because in comparison to my dad, their bad behavior was so mild. When other people acted disappointed or unfairly judgemental towards me, I ALWAYS blamed myself, only to wake up all these years later, reflect on it, and can now see how unfair they were being and how bad my so called "friends" were towards me. At least my head is more clear these days, I can see abusive or even just mildly unfair treatment from others that needs to be corrected. I don't have this need anymore for people to like me or win their approval.

I completely understand, miss my out of control laughter. I lived for it. My innocence and vulnerability is gone.

When I divorced my Narcissist 2021 (16 years together) …he moved out and I was left living in the walls in which years of narcissistic abuse happened. After 2 years of struggling to get out of depression, even though I was soooo happy now…when I came “home” I just felt trapped still. My friends would even say “don’t be a victim” as if I needed to just get over it. So not only did I sell my house, I moved all the way across country to start a new life. I’m struggling so hard financially now and the future is freighting… but I am so free mentally. I’m gaining my memory functions back slowly. I’m starting to feel those “drives” I used to feel. Like cooking and creating. My anxiety is becoming more manageable and I’m starting to become this person I was 16 years ago. But I had to move for this to happen. I still carry guilt. Like everyday. What could have I done better? Did I really need to sell my house? But your message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear for it all to make sense. I also have been able to see much more clearly, with distance and space my past life, how many others in my life are projecting a narcissistic personality toward me…making me instantly go back to those feelings you explained. I can see now you’re SO right. I stop thinking for myself in a way. It hurts more that those close to me just wrote me off as “mental”. Always asking “what’s wrong?” I didn’t know. I couldn’t explain it. Now, THREE YEARS LATER…I’m starting to understand. I just knew living where I was, I’d never heal. I couldn’t explain it. No one believed me (or so it felt) so I just did it. I moved. And I do not regret it. But now in my new life …age 45… I’m literally having to start all over again. Happy to say I’m thinking about MY future again. Im excited about my career possibilities again and I’ve even started writing children stories. I absolutely could not get my brain to function before I moved out of that house. Until I saw this today I just couldn’t explain it. I just looked “crazy” to everyone. Thank you for your words. It really means a lot to me. Thank you. It’s a peace of mind I didn’t expect to have today. Thank you

Totally, I lost myself, my smile, and my laugh. I'm still not back to myself yet, and it's been a few years

Sleep disorders are also a common symptom.

One of the biggest things that helped me recover was realising that they were not going to change, that they only wanted my resources and distruction. They where 100% committed to my down fall, using your own mind and doubts against you, for 3 years I could not sleep renunating constantly .After their discard..You have to reset yourself especially if you have been a people pleaser all your life. Make your self your number one priority ,live your best life , maintain you fitness, If you are lonely get a pet it will love you .Do a reverse discard go no contact with the Narcs mirror their tactics, walk away and dont look back, healing takes time , do not be hard on yourself.🤩👍

My mother was a narcissist, so this was the “normal” that was familiar to me. This lead to a marriage to a narcissist, but I eventually escaped through divorce. However, I wasn’t aware of the pattern, so I ran too quickly into another marriage to a narcissist! During this marriage, I started researching narcissism, found a great support group, and I worked on myself. I’m so proud to say that I ended my second marriage four years ago, and I am finally living the best life! I’m happy and healed! I’m sharing my story, so that others can see that a better life is possible! Get away, heal, and start living a wonderful life!

My mother was a narcissist. I never laughed as a child, and I find it hard to laugh as an adult. I feel like I’m not allowed to be happy, or I’ll be punished for being happy. People would tease me and tell me I didn’t smile enough. Nobody ever asked if I was okay. I basically learned to avoid people. I was also repeatedly told I was ugly growing up and now I avoid looking in mirrors as much as possible. I find it hard to practice self-care, because I don’t care about myself.

I still wake up with anxiety occasionally, jump at loud sounds, stop crying and feeling anything when it starts because I still hear him say, "your being histrionic, stop crying for attention." Made me feel like I'm not worthy of having feelings of laughing or crying, and that nobody cares anyway. I'm just now starting to be able to laugh and cry again, and I feel so blessed and so much like my old self coming back. The startles and waking up with anxiety, I'm still working on.

"Days to recover from a trauma response." Yeah, no kidding.

Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,

Spot on for me!!! Thankyou❤

The not understanding what is happening aspect is the worst. I had a horrible startle reflex for years until I learned what I was dealing with. Now it is gone. The simple truth of knowing and understanding what is happening is so healing.

Sometimes you have to learn who you are. I am in no contact for 4years now.. And it took me ages to clean my body from all that mess

I think this is the best explanation of how the narcissistic abuse/victim’s brain works. A clear, concise explanation.

I’ve developed immune health issues, a histamine intolerance, thank you for your videos the awareness you bring to us is so incredibly important. Thank you for what you do.

I always say, “My gear shift is stuck.” So true. I can remember my old personality and high daily function person. I feel trapped in here and when I try to do a normal thing, I get overwhelmed with pain and fear and feel like curling up in bed. I know I’d feel better if I could get some things done, but so many days I just do one or two things and that’s all. I seem to be dissociated and asleep while awake, and then the day is over in an hour.

I can totally identify, especially with the trait where you are constantly looking for people's reactions while you're talking to them. It feels like being a bit disconnected and I let my mouth talk while I make sure the person reacts positively. I always felt like that kept my conversations a little superficial because all that "checking" was taking up bandwidth in my head. Thanks for the video, it was insightful!

I grew up with a narcissistic parent...A few years ago I was listening to comedians because I was so broken, I was trying to help myself lighten up and laugh. I still don't laugh. I want to... I thought people pleasing was my personality. It's not. People pleasing does not mean that you are a nice person. It means that you think everyone is more valuable than you are. Thankyou for this. I have been looking for someone who understands how deeply being with a narcissist affects a person. I am working on being whole and not afraid of people.

14 years later and I don't even remember the person I used to be. I really don't. I look at old pictures and its like I'm looking at a complete stranger. But I know I miss that person. 💔

After coming to a safer place, I developed Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. I was very ill for 12 years.

Thank so much. I admit that I was sceptical in the beginning. But when you mentioned that you had not laughed for a number of years, and had to teach yourself how to laugh again, I was blown away! I thought that I was the only one. And until now, I had some buried shame about that, because I felt manufactured and insane. I am so grateful that you shared that! And now, I’m going to immediately share this vid! Thank you!!!!!

I was married to a female covert narcissist for 12 years. I have been no contact since November. My personality was affected but was never lost. In fact my personality is only going to improve from this horrific abuse. She tried her best to destroy me but fortunately I was too strong. Each day I feel better and better. Now our 16 year old son is another story. He needs help but he doesn't even know it yet. These covert narcissist's are as bad as child beaters. The emotional abuse is off the charts.

My wife always says she sees glimpses of me now and then and I was like “what do you mean?” After some self reflection I see what she means. When I feel safe, which is rare, I am goofy and child like, that is because my inner child feels safe to show herself. When I don’t feel safe, I am quiet and distant, that is because my inner child goes into hiding and my Guardian takes over and She is all business. Unfortunately I still have minor children with the Narc and he finds every chance he can to tear me down. He is big mad because I remarried and I am surviving without him. He is currently using my son to try and tear me down. Every once in awhile I take the bait, but those times are becoming fewer and further between.

Understandably, devaluation, gaslighting, never enough, and post-relationship smear/alienation would cause us to cacoon, doubt ourselves, and react in unskillful ways. For many of us, it started in our family of origin and continued with a partner. Awareness starts the healing journey. Relax into the expectation that you have reclaimed your core essence, the "you" before the trauma, and you will.

Even though I am separated , I am stuck , still confused and unable to release fear.. Decision making is extremely difficult.

I have lost the twinkle in my eyes. I used to be so happy. 😮‍💨 I got so much joy to hear you also used to laugh at your own jokes. I deeply desire to be carefree again. … I know I can overcome this. I remember who I really am.

My parents were trained to put their feelings aside and work to help the family. When they were raising us, I guess they expected us to follow suit. Fun was not a thing to look forward to. Today my light bulb went off. Just because they did it, they can't make it normal. It's not normal to deny your feelings of enjoyment, then get used to it. This clip is amazing! I need help coming out of my shell.

Staying away from the abusers and spending time with people who reciprocate love and kindness was my best help, together with educating myself about narcissistic abuse and parental alienation and practising self care and self compassion. Accepting what had happened and all the consequences and that I can't fix it, was a sad relief. This is my life and, though not what I expected, I am going to make the most of it. Learning what my mistakes were (emotional reactions and tolerating contempt and mistreatment) and JADE (Justifying Arguing Defending or Explaining) and working on practising better ways is positive.

Omg, this is me. I truly thought I was getting dementia because of my memory loss and negative thought patterns. My entire life was spent with my narcissistic mother and 2 narc ex husbands, patterns😢 I pray my brain recovers

I mean, all of this… but when you mentioned alarm clocks - I have reached a point where my body is so exhausted all the time that I cannot wake up properly when my alarm goes off. And my body’s so exhausted I last about 6 hours before I have to lie down and nap - intending to sleep for an hour; but it turns into 3-5 hours. Then wake up, finish the most essential tasks for the day, and sleep again as soon as possible. I don’t have energy to eat enough, to drink enough fluids, even to wash with any regularity. And my home is an absolute tip. All I want is to be clean, warm, and comfortable; but it all feels so unattainable and exhausting to even think of the steps to get there let alone do the work to get there. Diagnosed C-PTSD & AuDHD for the record. Thank you for this video 💙

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

I just learned how my hypervigilence has been from all the narcissistic abuse I grew up with. My empathy is off the charts and I pay attention to everything in social interactions, not realizing those are all coping mechanisms to being around a gaslighting and emotionally absent dad. I laugh easily and don't have conscious anxiety, but realize there's a sub-conscious unease that I've lived with forever that I'm learning to let go. Thanks for sharing these insights with us to keep filling out my knowledge on all of this.

Loved the part when she said she didn’t laugh for a long time she started to forgot how to laugh. As someone who was raised by a narc mother I do laugh but it is extremely forced and fake. It just became who I am. I have always found it strange how people laughed so easily, how they enjoyed things I found trivial, how I couldn’t feel happy whenever something good happened ti me. The healing process is long but I believe in it.

I have never felt so called out from a video. Each time you said a new trait, my jaw dropped and I said "Omg. It's me." Thank you for making me feel seen and heard. I'm constantly told I overreact and I'm overly defensive, and I need to let things go. I want to scream "I would if I could!!"

ANXIETY TAKES OVER AND WON'T LET GO!

Crazy to realize. After 10 years I developed social anxiety, anxiety in general, major depression and OCD. I pray everyday I can work through this….

I feel like fear and anxiety turned me into an angry over reactive person

I feel completely guilty that it hurts.that is what my mom tough me.I am guilty to live my life.I am almost 50!

Or...you stay stuck because your life has been one betrayal after the next by DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I've had massive betrayals by 2 family members (both died prior to me finding out about their betrayals), a family attorney, a graduate program college advisor, and one long-time close friend and one romantic partner. Abandonment, betrayal, massive lies, whatever you want to call them, and regardless of the relationship or situation - I had these experiences all over the course of 20 years. One after the other to the point where not only did I come to not trust others, I also didn't trust myself. I felt and still often feel terrified to even work or finish my graduate studies, much less meet new people in my personal life. I'm aware of it all and have made sense of it logically, but I still feel bewildered and emotionally frozen. I have been told by a therapist that they agree I have signs/symptoms of C-PTSD and am still attending to it, but unfortunately, I think I will always struggle with the questions for which I'll never have answers and the apologies I'll never receive. 😔

Boom! Spot on. This is me. I was raised by a narcissist dad and married 3 narcissists. A terrible cycle. I am 62 and since 2014 I have been working on myself. This is so helpful.

Thank's for this video. Your descriptions and explanations are so close to what I have experienced, it is uncanny. There is so much guilt and selfe blame induced by such relationships. And sadly it doesen't stay within the realm of the relationship with the narcissist. The fight or flight "condition" becomes permanent and applies to any given situation. You say it is hard to unlearn. I would say it's a lot more work and awareness to unlearn than one might expect. It get's to the point that almost any environment or situation keeps you on your toes (walking on eggshells). It's like being in fight or flight mode, and then fight and flight mode gets triggered on top of that (more often than not triggering a panic attack). You do make some pointers, but I am not sure how to "unlearn" my automatic responses to "triggers", which might not even be "triggers". Even in completely normal situations, the brain can trigger fight or flight, or even panic attack and some kind of collapse. I think the hardest part for me is that loved ones and people who I know really care about me, don't understand the condtion. You can explain it all you want, but anyone who didn't have the condition can simply not understand it. For me it has been somewhat of an Akillies heal in close relations, family -and work. After a panic attack I will get questions like "How are your energy levels today". "Are you up to this job"? Then one has to go on to explain that I had a panic attack. My body if fine and I am up to whatever you would like. Having a panic attack is not synonomous with something wrong with my physical health. People may also say things like "Pull yourself together", "Pick yourself up", "Don't make such a big deal out of bla bla bla". It is one thing to heal, there is also this great hurdle of dealing with everyday life, as people around you simply don't understand what's going on with you, and make all kinds of wrong assumptions. You may even be labeled as lazy, antisocial, preoccupied, awry. All of which are symptoms of you being in constant fight or flight mode. Then you have a meeting with your boss, or job office, or social services, providers of benefits. They will say things like "You don't appear to be taking this meeting seriously". I actually can't blame them, because that is exactly what one looks like when one is (in fight of flight mode), and expecting everyting to go horribly wrong. You are programmed to expect the worst, and by you demenour it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So much more to say and I could problably write i pretty respectable paper on the subject. I have so much self awereness about the subject; and still I am struggeling to get out of self demenour and guilt. I am allways taking care of others at expence to my own economy and wellbeing. There is much more to my story, and I could continue on. Thank's to anyone who took the time to read this entire post. Give me a thumbs up if it was meaningful, or a thumbs down if it was a waste of time ;-)

Spot on for me! I spent 25 years in a narcissistic abusive relationship, 8 years later I am finally finding who I really am! It’s so exciting to reach this point after so much healing work. Thank you for sharing .

This video helped make sense of so much of the confusion I’ve been experiencing. I’ve dealt with life long trauma, many traumas actually. And, I’ve lost site of who I am verses what my body, and mind are experiencing. I’m always in a state of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Sometimes all at once. It’s exhausting.

Microdosing psilocybin at 58 years old is helping me to finally heal those pathways in my brain and help me get more integrated within myself. I feel like I’ve made more progress in 6 months than I did for last 35 years of various therapies etc. psilocybin literally rewires the brain so it can assist with healing and not just symptom relief. But you do also have to do the work at the same time with introspection and somatic awareness etc.

When you said you had to teach yourself to laugh again….. I felt that and am struggling through that right now. Thank you for your videos, I don’t feel so alone

A form of somatic therapy I have been relying on for years is called Neuro Emotional technique practiced usually by chiropractors. It finds the stored trauma and releases/integrates it which drastically improves triggers and allows for a response rather than a trauma reaction. I highly recommend it.

Very accurate and resonating Michelle. It is a battle of the soul; armor up!

I'm experiencing chronic anger and I was never an angry person before - I know that's part of the problem. You did a great job explaining my situation and my lived experiences to me. Thank you. 🤩 I do wonder too though if "All the king's experts and all the king's victims couldn't put Humpty together again."

This is great advice. I have had to plow deeply, to release my childhood traumas. And responsably re construct my personality. Healthy baoundaries being key. I divorced my covert narc husband in 2018. And only now I am actually open for a healthy new romantic relationship. But my biggest regret now, is seing my son, going trhough it, with his dad. I am coparenting, and I am at a distance, but I use BIG amounts og emotional capacity on reparations after (and before) my son spends time as his dads...

This is the most significant meaning I have ever seen ! It all fits perfectly, hyper vigilant, always doubting myself , I am the reason I get such negative impressions of myself. I will apologise for everything that isn't actually my fault. I am always on a peace keeping mission so I do not upset anyone .

*Excellent* video, Michele! I have CPTSD from multiple (and different types) of traumas. I get this.

Hi can you please make few videos on how to start a career after narcissistic mother abuse , when you are struggling with memory,health etc. And how to deal with office pressures when you are also dealing with depression it's like now I don't have peace anywere.

Piaget formulated the concept of schema, at least as I understand it. What I find interesting, is that toddlers build schema of the external world by interacting with it, but there is more to the story than I realized. As infants through early childhood, we build our image of self, but especially in infants, the adults, other children, caretakers, etc who interact with us build our early sense of value as a person. That is, I'm loved, cared for, accepted among many other things. If we are neglected, physically or verbally abused in these early years, it reflects back to us we are unwanted. It shocked me to find out how these early years imprint long lasting changes in our thought patterns, all to the downside with insecure attachment. We do have to unlearn these early childhood lies! It does sound easy at first, like, wow, I finally found the key, now I just have to unlock the door. So, you go about "unlearning", and open the door, and emotions pound you into the ground over and over. Nope, this isn't easy work, but eventually once you work through the locked up emotions from years ago, you really do start connecting with self and your creativity, sleep, memory, relationships, all improve. Don't give up!!

Over and over and over again and again and again. Im 52 and again so exhausted. I tell myself Im safe now but still my family lives rent free and wrecking my brain everyday

I’ve been in this state from birth for 47 years, it’s now damaging my central nervous system, immune system and multiple others.

No matter how many poems I write to myself, I still find every day a challenge. I have had doctors tell me get over it. It’s the past. It’s a roller coaster of peacetime and anxiety. I used to use humor to cover my pain. I do feel humor is your best friend and use humor to heal. Healing is continuous.

I did not realize that the outbursts & emotionally idling at 92 was a remnant of the covert narcissistic abuse. It’s been years and I had cognitive therapy but it’s STILL not released?!? Thank you so much for this

I lost my ability to have R.E.M. sleep, the kind where you have dreams, and work out problems through them. Laughter, for me wasn't allowed in the presence of my abusers, since childhood, so I found safe places to be more fully human as a kid away from them. Luckily, my mother really didn't seem to like kids, so she only really missed me when she wanted something from me, like an appearance.

Holy cow! You have no idea how many times I’ve said, “ I’ve lost my laugh”. Everything in this video resonates with me. It’s all explained so well!

this is so validating, thank you so much ☺ It's been a year since I let go of my narcissistic ex. I am glad that I am no longer in the traumatized state BUT there are still certain triggers that make me go back to that dark place and I tend to lash out at my current partner or even new friends. I am still working on regulating my emotions. I find this video really helpful in reminding me that I am ok and I am not my trauma.

Thank you. You have described everything to perfection.

You’re a beautiful soul. Thanks 🙏🏾

I grew up with a covert narcissistic father, I never heard "I love you" from him and when I was still a teenager making sense of life, and trying to decide what I wanted from my life I was making up my mind about marriage and children in the future, it seemed to me that it didn't make sense, because of all the dysfunction I lived till then and because I was thinking that way I had to hear from my father " Well..if you don't want those things, why don't you ask God to die?"... it broke me, i didn't want it to affect me the way it did, but now I have been in therapy for about 2 years and my relationship with my husband whom I love so much have struggled immensely because of all the trauma, it hurts so much to heal. I have seen progress in myself, but I can only hope the pain I feel will only be a memory in the future.

The struggle with memory hit me extremely hard. I was worried I was in this kind of situation because of how the stress was effecting my memory and this unfortunately hit the nail on the head. The person I think is doing this to me tends to get angry with me when I can’t remember details from stressful moments, so I’m in constant fight or flight and literally forget everything and can’t think.

I feel the way you describe. I know I'm healing beneath everything. But there are so many layers of guilt, shame, self abandonment, social awkwardness... that I feel like I don't deserve to heal. I need to find something that pushes me into radical acceptance permanently...

It wasn’t until my mom died, that I could really acknowledge all the abuse and truly heal.

I have recently left two lifetime friendships. This was for self-preservation. I'd like to address anger. I've worked through a lot of this, but I'm still challenged by anger and resentment. I don't like myself this way.

I have been living in my mid brain for 58 years of my 58 years of life.

Yes to the teaching yourself how to laugh!!! Now, I love to laugh! I be laughing at everything. Even watch stand ups solely to laugh. Feels so good & I pray anyone struggling with that heals enough and your joy comes back

OMG - this is me!!!!! Ty you so much!

I totally resonated with what you said about finding that our personalities are basically sound and that recovering from narcissistic abuse involves reconnecting with that real self (an intact personality) and casting off the hypervigilant self. I feel that that's exactly where I am in my recovery journey. It started with realizing that what was wrong with the dysfunctional family relationships in my life was narcissistic abuse. That realization has, gradually, freed me to see that the problem was not me. It triggered a healing process (still in progress) that has freed me to feel more in touch with my real self and to let that caring, empathetic, loving, intelligent self shine through without being blocked by constant anxiety and vigilance. Excellent presentation, Michelle! Thank you so much!

I discover after narcicistic abuse i was autistic .Wich means we already have the structures that you describe in pstd activated . I guess we suffer double 😢

Anything that should cause joy in me causes unspeakable pain and tears. I feel so guilty crying during times that should feel good.

I actually just now (about a week ago) understood that my mother is a covert narcissist ... NOW it all makes sense. I just hope and prey that I didn't damage my own kids that way.

This video has been super helpful - thank you for sharing this - I really appreciate how well you've explained the more technical pieces around trauma-experiencing brain.

Yes, it takes days to get over being hurt, disrespected. I now have a backbone where my wishbone is. But my default is to run when I sense a red flag. I have come a long way, 8 years out from my abuser. There are many triggers. I was numb years ago and prayed to get my tears back. They came.. I figured out who I am again. I love the healing of nature. I take in all the tranquil moments and comedy that I can. It’s very healing. I’m also still in counseling because I have so many triggers. Good video!! Thank you for putting it out here!

It just gets revived all the time. The constant criticism. Fear. Any noise sets it off. I have become a hermit, a recluse. This talk absolutely explained so much. My problem is the return of those who trigger the same reactions.

This video has offered the most thorough understanding of how to recover (imprints) and how to flip yourself back in lieu of the brain activity patterns. I’m so glad it’s been explained with hope of getting back to recovering my original frame self back. I wish everyone understood the trauma personality because when people misunderstands behaviors or mislabels based on the (trauma wiring) it contributes to a negative complex. I have been hard on myself trying to dig out of the negative complex based on my authentic belief system and learn how to enjoy interacting & laughing & asserting my caring self again instead of always trying to shield & protect. Embodying new belief system is what I’ve been instinctively stepping towards but needed to hear it fully explained to know how to proactively navigate the transformation back.

i resonate with this for sure- i grew up with a covert narcissitic older sibling . In my 20s i realized i needed help and healing from these symptoms that you mentioned and it has been 14 years of self discovery and healing and overcoming these pitfalls before i learned about narcissism and finally FINALLY put the pieces together, i;m grateful for educational videos like this as it helps validify all the things that i had to unwind in my psyche,

Hi, you are amazing at explaining something that I personally find extremely difficult to articulate. It’s clear you have done a lot of work to feel, to understand and to heal. Seems to me your personality is beautiful and I thank you for sharing 😊

Eyyyyoo Thank you for the validation of everything I had been telling myself through my healing process. This video cements it. thank you. really. thank you.