I am 38 and have just gotten a late diagnosis of Autism. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety as a teenager but nothing ever helped it and it has only gotten worse with age. Only now do I understand how my anxiety is linked to my masking and while it is a relief to understand myself better I don't really know how to "unmask" yet. I've been playing the part for so long I'm not sure if I even know who I am. While I do not like phone calls or live conversations I do enjoy communicating through the written word. It is the only way I have ever been able to truly communicate and connect with anyone. If anyone here can relate to that I wouldn't mind having a few penpals that can relate to my situation.

"I've been fake forever for your benefit. Now I just wanna be me." - I feel that.

I always say, having supportive people in younger years makes all the difference. I didn't. I was diagnosed at 45. I am 56 now and lonely. Always been alone.

“I need more hours in a day to think than there are actually hours (in a day)” Man that hits close to home hahaha

I'm 50 and was diagnosed last year. Nothing has changed. My work's HR is useless, my family says I'm fine and labels are meaningless, and I don't even know who I am without the role I play. I'm glad that it's official but I'm still stressed and still tired. *sigh* Thank you for sharing your perspective.

I am 70 years old and have only had a gradual realisation of this explanation of my life during the last 5 years. I'm glad that young people now have more understanding and help.

“I’ve been fake forever for your benefit” so real bro I could basically be an actor rn

I hear you. When I was a kid, autism wasn’t a thing, then only boys had it, then I was too old to be diagnosed or considered. I got diagnosed at 52. I’d grown up, had a terrible time with work, gotten married, had a terrible divorce, wasn’t able to bond properly with my kids, so much! So much pain could have been avoided if I had known. So many paths unwalked because I didn’t know. At first it was a relief to find out, so many questions answered. Now it’s just depressing.

Neurotypical people don't get that what brings us to a diagnostics as adults is precisely that it gets harder to deal with all this, and we are suffering more than before. Keep it up, man.. it's nice to hear a working class down-to-earth voice speaking about these issues.

"The older I get, the easier it is to break through my resilience wall" Freaking a... this is like the exact wording I've been needing to use that I couldn't think of on my own. Always told I'm so resilient, and realizing lately - especially in work - that I am unable to handle less bullshit and stress than before. That I've been living "fake it till you make it" all my life and faking it is just becoming too heavy a burden nowadays.

I thought to make you smile - my diagnosis came only three weeks ago. I am 85 years old and suddenly all the heaviness of decades of puzzlement and negative experience dropped off. In my opinion, to have a diagnosis is marvellous. And I am rejoicing, however late in the day.

I'm 52. I have SO MANY memories growing up as a kid and into my teens of being socially awkward. Watching other kids have 'fun'. Sitting at the back of the bus and watch the noisy kids blabber out loud and stare at each other. I don't have an official diagnosis of anything but I know I'm wired differently. I perform my job very well. But avoid company parties. Social anxiety is practically painful while I try to absorb and digest all the noisy information around me.

I was a nurse who became a stay at home mom when my children were young. Even as a trained nurse, I totally missed that my children and I are on the autism spectrum. And my mother and father, siblings, ex husbands. My whole world was full of autistic people and I just put it off that we were all a bit quirky. Thank God above that autism awareness and education are opening our eyes and hopefully our hearts.

This is the most meaningful video about autism I've watched, and I've watched hours of them. I've tried to tell the few friends/family I had and they either pushed back angrily or disappeared. The downside of being (relatively) good at masking. I don't know what the new landscape will hold, but at least I am coming to understand who I am instead of trying to figure out how others want me to be.

“Missed opportunities” This is a major one that really does my mind in if I think about it too long. Recently diagnosed at 39 and I look back on a life of masking and confusion .. a diagnosis answers a few questions but raises a few more. But yes, the things that I’ve missed out on are enormous .. I’m honestly not even sure what a “good and balanced” life looks like for someone with autism …? I spend so much time and energy recharging that I barely have energy left to do much else

Omg you are literally describing my reality!! Down to the emergency exits, parking, everything. You have captured this so perfectly. I'm 35 and its EXHAUSTING.

I'm 63, and can say it's pretty much ruined many aspects of my life. Not the autism itself, but the lack of support, and the not knowing what the hell was wrong with me, the inability to fit in, and the lifelong difficulty with employment. I'm with you on the fear of parking, and the fear of being late (and a whole lot of other things!)

Really glad to hear you address the issue of resilience. I'm 68 and the diagnosis is in process. But oh my yes, so many things I have pushed myself through in this long life of coping with trying to be like everyone else and forcing myself to do things because that's what 'normal' people do. The cost to my psyche has been enormous! People talk about strength and resilience as though they are infinite and they bloody well are not!

True about communities. They aren’t immune to hierarchies and in-crowd out-crowd clique crap which alienates me instantly.

I understand this wholeheartedly and it really isn't pleasant to admit that. I have never really connected with autistic groups. I was even pretty wary of the group my psychologist formed of her adult-diagnosed autistic clients for the longest time. It took a while but eventually I did start to attend the group meets and it did change my opinion finding that they were all of that similar mindset. That we don't fit in with the early-diagnostic crowd and it gets incredibly lonely trying to find neurotypical people to indulge in our interests on our terms with. Even in this group with something like 12 active members most of us don't share similar interests, but it at least allows us a space where we can discuss topics we find interesting during the groups, and we've started arranging hikes and other outings together. The focus being so often on young people and early detection is good in the long run but it also has the unfortunate side effect of making anyone diagnosed as an adult feel like they're just damaged goods. "Oops, we missed that one, ah well, it'll sort itself out."

There is something called post diagnosis grief and it should be more spoken about.. it's dangerous to reanalyse your entire life, each decision and the what if.. the what if is the worst because even the good decisions get to be questioned. I am still ahead of my and my daughter's diagnosis, but you made a really good point there, parents now have a bunch of support and if willing to educate themselves then can be prepared how to guide neurodivergent child through life. I always knew I am different, like I haven't read a manual that everyone else did. I couldn't "just find friends" as I was told to, just understand the social aspects, just not be so sensitive, just get over things and the list goes on.. however my life goes by the book according to social norms, school, uni, work, marriage, child... and it's challenging being "different" to a "different" child, but only because of my daughter being during diagnosis, I have started to put a name to the difference, that I am not just making this up and this journey will be bumpy but at least thanks to finding out more about autism, I know how to help myself. Thanks for the video, it's an important one.

I'm in Texas, I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early '50s. When I was fighting to get anyone to even talk to me - at least inside the county's health system, "The only deal with children with autism!" -- I AM a child with autism! I just managed to keep from dying for 50 some odd years! I haven't tried a group of autistic people to interact with, I am sure it can be challenging, and you make a really good point that late diagnosed means you didn't get any special consideration coming through schools and such! Good video. A lot to think about!

I was just diagnosed at the beginning of this year at 41. Thank you for this series, I think it is important. It's not the flowery bits and it's not just the extreme worst cases. It's the thousand needles and arm and gut punches you get all through every day of life when your undiagnosed for decades. When you've developed masks for every occasion, and have enough practice to make new ones on the fly for new situations. When you've done it so much that you know you can't take people with you from one environment to another because they won't recognize you there. When you've been pointing out symptoms that later got you diagnosed, and being gaslit or attacked for decades for it before being diagnosed because you should just suck it up. Being belittled and berated for the social mistakes you didn't intend because your body language and demeanor are different, so no one believes you when you try to apologize. Wanting to commune with small groups or individuals to learn new coping strategies and get new ideas, but you need the "move your hand like this" and "hold the tool like that" kind of explanations that cannot be communicated through words, text, or pictures properly. All the groups in my area are all for parents of autistic children. Where does it go from here? I know that problem...

I hear you. Being diagnosed last October age 56 was a relief in many ways, but then there's a whole lifetime of trying to do things I was incapable of doing. The constant sense of failure, going from one job to another and literally becoming an alcoholic just through the pressure of getting out the front door or using public transport. I'm never going to learn to drive. Just couldn't sit in a car with an instructor every week. And I would have loved to be a doctor but going to college was so traumatic I ended up unable to leave the house. So I'm angry that I've wasted my whole life. I might as well have just been flapping my arms until I could fly. Never gonna happen. God I tried so hard to do all those things everyone seems to manage so effortlessly. It's time to put myself first now, at this late stage, and go into a kind of recovery mode, or self-care, and stop trying to fly. I will be saying no a lot this year.

Accidentally found this video. I send you my deep support. I associate with everything you say. I come from eastern Europe where autism still doesn't exist! So my priorities are different. I strongly associate with you saying that we are wanting to put candles on a cake before the cake is baked. I often thought this way about many subjects. Not just autism. And I got diagnosed at the age of 29. And I am still expected to go on. At work, at home...

This is so refreshing to hear someone with exactly the same thinking / mindset as myself. I’m 64 and just going through the process.

I appreciate your candor and detailing... I am 47 and just realized in the last week my own ASD as I'm trying to put together how someone with a degree and so much potential in life ended up living in a basement suite in a small town after having lost a job due to a meltdown (again), and now working part time in a fast food restaurant. I think the part that hit hardest was the feeling of losing resilience. People just don't get it. They say, well, look, you've done it before, you can do it again -but it gets harder to convince myself 'things will be different this time' and give things another go. I've dealt with social anxiety and depression/suicidal ideation for over 30 years and I'm just so incredibly tired. I've built, destroyed, and rebuilt again too many times to count in the last 3 years, let alone in the last decade. It makes me really angry, because it was so hard to do it in the first place and then it all just gets wiped out and you have to roll your boulder up the mountain again like Sisyphus... You get judged so harshly by people you know for just 'screwing things up', if you just managed your emotions better, keep your mouth shut, enjoy a 'team building event', or not express an intense loathing for forced participation in events like Secret Santa, you could've been so much further ahead. The only thing left I feel is pursuing my intellectual interests, getting it to writing or video, to at least 'show them' I'm not just an incompetent 'self sabotager'. Who knows after that. Every year I kick the suicide ball into the long grass and say, ok, try to make it to 20, to 30, to 35, at least to 40... It's my hope, that by working through this, I will at least be able to feel some sense of accomplishment by 50, which is in 18 months to the date... Apologies for the detail.

I got my diagnosis at 45. I wish I had it before. The feeling was, somehow, liberator. Just like you I had (and still have) serious problems with sociability. At 7 those problems were even bigger. But ASD level 1 (former Asperger) received an ICD only in 1994. Today I'm glad I know myself a little better. I allow myself, occasionally, to simply give up on things and people and not fell bad about it.

Super relatable. At 41 if I told anyone (work, family, very few friends) it would only cause more distance and lack of understanding. I'm different. Okay fine. I hope someday to find real in-person neurodivergent friends, but until then (if it happens) there's some relief found in the online community. Btw, parking garages and parking in general stresses me out too. Like I won't go unless I have a plan and fully understand it. Can't afford the stress of flubbing up and feeling panicked.

I’m 55 & self diagnosed at 50, explained everything. I FINALLY understood my whole life and experiences. Thank you for sharing this. It’s is EXACTLY how it is. Imagine 15 more years of not knowing. Even to be diagnosed or realize what is going on at 34, like you, would have changed soooo much for me. At this point how do I change what I’ve carved out and built my life around? So much clean up to do and self love to realize. So much I have to learn moving forward.

I’m glad you’re addressing the whole “support levels” versus high or low functioning thing. In the same way that autism and Asperger’s used to be different diagnoses, I think now people are seeing correlation between ADHD and Autism. In ten years they might not even call it “autism” at this rate. These labels and criteria and so on are just models. Not reality itself. They’re supposed to help, not create more division!

This video needs to go viral, it is that good!

HI Paul, very well said. I can completely relate to what you are saying. I was lucky, in an unlucky way, as I was diagnosed with ADHD at 12. A lot of my difference if you will were explained. The autism diagnoses sort of completed my profile. I also agree that when you start unmasking people wonder why now. They have no idea the life you have led. Just as a weird example. I was at Disneyland with my dearest friends and we went on a new Star Wars ride and I was so excited that my mask completely dropped. I was jumping around, hands flapping with complete and utter joy. After they said that they had never seen me so happy. Of course that is because I have masked myself for so long. Never wanting anyone to see the real me. Anyway a crude example, but you are so right about late diagnoses. Excellent video. Great series.

Thank you so much for literally vocalising how I feel and my existence. Diagnosed at 51 with no prior knowledge or experience of autism other than "Rain man". I'm 2 years post diagnosis and still trying to figure everything out. Never felt so isolated.

This is by far THE BEST description of how hard it is to get diagnosed and have autism as an adult!!!! And to hear that another autistic person also can't understand why it is so difficult for neurotypical people to accept talk of negative things, things that could be done better (especially when the same neurotypical persons are the ones talking about the need for improvements, innovation and so on), is SO soothing! Cuz I totally feel the same! And I can't for the love of god understand why it is so difficult for neurotypical people to just embrace talk about negative things as, at least for me personally, the only reason I talk about negative things is because I genuinely just want to make things better (but apparently neurotypical people really don't want that - or don't really care, or can't muster the energy or something - since they don't change negative things themselves despite them also talking about negative things a lot ..)!!

Being an adolescent... Struggling with the normal things of that time, and then all this on top of it. Some flippant adult tells you "just be yourself!". The restraint to not slam this person to the floor with your hands around their throat... To scream in their ear at the top if your lungs... The last %#&#!×& thing in the WORLD i can afford to be is MYSELF. I hear feel your pain brother. The 70s were a miserable time to be a kid on the outside. Whenever I see someone getting a taste of great fortune, one that I never had and never will have... My first thought is "yeah, life's fair". Then I think of kids in poverty, starvation, war zones around the world... And that I am not them either. No. It's not fair. Never was, never will be. We take the balls we have and run with them as best we can. That's all there is.

"If you've got headspace to be worrying about things that trivial, you're clearly doing alright." One of the best quotes ever.

My partner and I are both autistic, he was diagnosed as a child and i was diagnosed aged 27. We have completely opposed experiences on the whole early/late diagnosis situation, he hated how he was treated with his diagnosis through childhood and his teen years, always having people assume he was unable to do xyz because of his autism and being treated condescendingly by adults in his life, having help forced on him when he didn't need it because the assumption was just that he's useless. He wishes sometimes that he wasn't diagnosed at all and was instead left to his own devices to find ways to cope that worked for him rather than being treated like he's incapable of anything and also being treated like he doesn't understand his own feelings (this is a big one with his parents, it borders on gaslighting the way they will straight up tell him he isnt actually feeling xyz, hes just confused, because autism. He *actually* feels whatever they think he feels because they know better, because neurotypical) Me on the other hand, I relate HEAVILY with this video, I feel like a complete failure in like being close to 30 and never having been able to hold down a job. College took 3 tries before I scraped by with a pass in my 3rd college, I dropped out of the other 2 after meltdowns I thought were panic attacks. I never graduated uni, I couldn't ever cope with trying to keep up with education and everything else going on in life, I never understood why, I just had to deal with it and I never understood why it was so easy for everyone else and I had to work so hard just to barely cope and still end up with nothing to show for it. I would have loved to get the support in these settings but instead I was just told I'm lazy, smart and "talented" but lazy, and that I was just hurting myself by not working hard enough. We just had a baby 2 months ago, it's been interesting having discussions with him about how we'd go about a lot of things if our daughter starts showing any signs of autism. We both agree a diagnosis will be useful but had to have a long talk about how school will go as we both had such different and difficult experiences, so far we've settled that if she is high functioning like us, we will get her into a regular school and ask what support is available, the condition my partner has for this is that the support be discreet and not a very obvious entirely for her benefit extra member of staff constantly making her feel stupid like he had. Anyway, I am happy youtube recommended me this video, I also feel like an outsider in autistic communities and did feel that initial sigh of relief when diagnosed but shortly after also felt completely lost with no support because "well you've made it to 27 without needing it". I lost my job a few months after my diagnosis, for the same reason I lose every other job, I'm too slow and methodical with whatever I'm doing. I get no support or sympathy from neurotypicals when talking about this, "just get into a different industry" yeah, tried that 3 times still the same complaint from managers, "just go back to uni" yeah, as if me, being unable to keep a job, can afford that 🙄. I've ended up once again just being told my problem is laziness, I mention my diagnosis and am treated like I'm lying or making excuses because I wasn't diagnosed as a child. There's no winning, they just don't want to accept high functioning autistic people need unique support. They see that you're able to talk and take care of yourself and presume the autism diagnosis is just for fun, we're just "normal" and the autism doesn't affect us, its tiring.

Every word rang true for me. I’m 55, was just diagnosed with ASD, and I’m lost. All I ever learned to do was feel broken and blame myself. I know what’s going on now, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying and traumatic. And now I have to justify, convince, and degrade myself to get the most basic of help. Thank you for speaking to the reality. Wishing you love and peace.

Everything you said resonated so heavily with my own life experiences and thought processes that it hit me like a brick. As a 36 year old autistic who was just diagnosed 2 months ago, every youtube video on autism which I have seen thus far is exactly as you described. This is the first video I have come across where I felt the creator has actually had a similar life to my own and talks about life experiences that are substantive. Although I did share in those experiences and difficulties as well, there were more pressing challenges in my life and so I never gave much thought to what you referred to as "privileged problems" because they were so far on the backburner. Even though they were slow simmering for a long time and every now and then they would bubble over, the bigger issues always took the main focus and the most heat, but no one talks about those experiences in their videos. Your video helped make sense of that so thank you.

“That mask you wear is burdensome the older you get”. What you were saying has been the story of my life, especially many of the difficult things you said towards the end of the video. Hearing you talk has been so helpful to have my life experience’s validated, and to grieve for all what could have been and what has been lost. Only now after 65 years am I beginning to come to terms with the acceptance of my completely misunderstood lifelong disability. Thank you for all the time and energy you put into sharing your life story. It is very worthwhile and so much appreciated.

I haven’t even gotten through the whole video and I’m just broken down in tears.. this really hit home for me. Thank you for making this video, I’m subscribing. I know it’s not my video or my words but damn I feel heard through watching this.. I relate so much that it’s overwhelming. I got diagnosed at 21. I’m now almost 23. The last few months I’ve been in complete burnout. Mixed with major depression and generalized anxiety I’ve been diagnosed with way before autism ever came into question. I just lost the motivation I guess to really live life.. Since I’m a bit later diagnosed than a lot of people as well, the people in my life like my family don’t really address my autism ever. I think they feel a bit uncomfortable maybe because they have this idea of what it looks like, and to them I just am normal person with severe anxiety and depression and go through spurts of time where I don’t get out of bed for months. Not out of laziness, because I promise I’m one of the hardest working 22 year olds I’ve met at least. But it gets so bad to the point where I don’t wanna live anymore and everybody is just wondering what’s went wrong with me, and question when they will just get the “old” me back. Idek who the old me is tbh, and the “old” me doesn’t know who she was either. I just did what everybody else did that seemed to be functioning well, with some intense empathy added into the mix. Somehow I just didn’t come off right to most people even then.. I’d get burnt out so quick. When people meet me they think I change and dislike me after so many months because that’s usually the time the depression, or burnout hits.. and I become a shell of myself until I finally bounce back just a little.. enough to be the me they want.. I’m trying to find myself and I thought the diagnosis would finally make me free from my problems because it was supposed to help me figure out who I am. But now I’m even more lost than before.. and it doesn’t help when even the councilors at school or people who are supposed to help those with disabilities are so quick to jump in when I talk about what I’m going through, just to try to disprove my diagnosis, or make my problems seem less than what they are, or knock it down to “just depression”, or “just adhd” or “just anxiety”…. But the autism diagnosis has seemed like my enemy lately. Because nobody believes me and wants to say my problems aren’t a result of autism, or tries to study my every move and response to determine in their mind if I’m autistic enough. I’m sorry I’m rambling, I just wish people understood.. I wish I was understood for once in my life.. and not misjudged or mistreated.. hardly ever has anybody actually tried to listen or understand or learn.. or want to.. Thank you again for sharing this.

It's refreshing to hear someone talk about an experience i can relate to. Late djagnosed at 53, now 57 and have been told i am now more visibly autistic since diagnosis, to me that's a good thing. A fact people can't get their rouund is there will always be more autistic adults than autistic children, but most of those adults are not diagnosed. We are the feral autistic generation, we have the physical and mental scars, is it really too much to get a little help....apparently so. Weighted blankets should be sized as 10% of your body weight not by the size of your bed by the way.

Great video mate. I gave up trying to be what other ppl expected well before I got my diagnosis. I’ve been so much happier since I stopped trying to be something I’m not.

Last 4-5 minutes really hit home.. I’m getting ever more reclusive and very rarely find motivation(apart from work and walking dogs) to leave the house .. insomnia is present - decided early on that I knew having kids just wasn’t in the cards for me .. serious relationships just seem impossible and casual friendships are confusing and require too much energy. I’m left wondering what is there for people like us? I honestly don’t know

Not sure what happened to my original comment, maybe that I mentioned a company I bought a weighted blanket from? Aaaaanyway, probably my favourite video you've done so far Paul! Wont lie, it gave me a lump in my throat by the end as you are explaining perfectly my own feelings and some experiences that I can never articulate and others rarely talk about. Thank you for this, it's nice to hear it out loud. The wall getting weaker as you get older is so very true. I was confused but trying (youth), resigned, tired, fatigued...and now I'm just bone achingly tired on a good day and so fatigued I lose my voice on a bad day. I'm 37 and didn't know autism even existed until 3 years ago. As someone else in the comments said, I hope this goes viral. I think it will help others feel less alienated.

37. Haven't had an official diagnosis, but, have taken myriad online tests all coming back as strong probability, have been deep diving the dsm-5 and videos like this and other resources; everything you are saying hits home way too hard with me. I am also currently struggling with insomnia, recently had a minor heart attack, and have just been through it. But, holy crap your words sound like my life. A lifetime of acting. Absolutely understand this, brotha. It had been an interesting couple of months coming to this realization.

I am 40, and I'm on a 2-3 year wait for a diagnosis of autism and ADHD. The more I listen to other autistic people ands those with ADHD, the more I am sure I have the conditions. As you said, things start making sense once you know why you are the way you are. I thank you for making this video, it is very informative. I really identify with what you say. I am going through the PIP process at the moment, as a I am the tribunal stage. I see no how, unless God does a miracle. My lack of support in the past, lack of special educational needs school, the fact I have at the age of 50 had I one job, etc has been (it feels) used to try to highlight my lack of need for PIP. I am currently in burnout, I've had to give up that employment, am mainly housebound, because of sensory overload, and do find everyday tasks hard or impossible. I am very isolated at the moment, and j have had 2 visitors to my home in 26 weeks. Is this 'normal'? It doesn’t appear so, and I hope this will be seen and taken seriously. I am all on my own, and people do not understand. I need to discover who i really am, but do not know how to. It is a big learning curve, with no instruction manual - I'm just glad that I have people like you, who understand. I feel more at home with you all.

Oh wow, you have described my life, I am currently going through diagnosis at age 52 and still trying to find my path, years of missed opportunities and fear, lack of understanding and getting situations wrong, not really wanting to bother with anyone and being forced into situations I feel incredibly uncomfortable with and the jobs, to many to count as I haven’t been able to gel with anyone or ‘get’ a lot of social language. Thank you for this video, I read needed to hear such an honest account from someone who thinks and feels the same as me.

Your comment about feeling out of sync with others, and things that others like, it hit me to the core. This is literally the best way to describe the struggle internally to be human with this condition. Thank you for the insight.

I need more hours in a day than there are actual hours in a day ... this strikes deep. I've literally always been saying that, no even knowing WHY for the most part of my life. And it's so disheartening that people just dismiss something so crucial. We have to run "the normal hours" from the NT world, but we never get those 3, 4, 5 extra hours a day that we need to process all the information that's been fed into our brains. I self-diagnosed when I was 46 and like you, I thought it was a relief because this had to mean I could finally be a bit more of myself. Yet it's the complete opposite because now I realize I have this disability but the world around me doesn't stop to care. When someone with epilepsy gets an episode, everybody can see that person is in dire need for help... but when an autistic person has an episode (meltdown/shutdown or even just plain clinical depression), we are seen as a nuisance and we're either punished or severely pushed into "changing our behavior". Life's such a hard struggle and most times nowadays I just can't wait for this sh*t show to end...

I'm just finding your channel- it is so true! Many women received late diagnosis because our characteristics are different. Also being "high-fuctioning" is more difficult than otherwise. 😢

Thanks Paul! Another really relatable video. Diagnosed this year at 40. How might things have been different if I’d known? No way to know but I’m glad I know now 🙂

It's not just you, I felt that way my entire life. Diagnosed at 57.

I'm 50 years old and I have to say: Thank you very much for sharing your story and for all of these comments below, from people like me, still trying to understand the world and ourselves. Now, many things make sense to me, I'm right about the way I see things, and I'm right in thinking I'm different compared to others, but, knowing I'm not the only one and after so many years of frustrations, faking situations to make everyone happy and to be accepted, I won't give up to learn more about myself, my abilities, limitations and a better way to live each day of my life. Thanks, man.

42 in a couple weeks and am currently seeking a diagnosis. I've been learning about autism and what it means, and I promise you everything I hear you and every other person with autism say resonates like mad with me. I told my therapist what my suspicions were, and was given a screening test to take. I scored very high on the test. The amount of relief I felt for finally having an explanation of why I feel fake, why I feel disconnected from literally everyone, why chaotic environments bother me, why I feel so broken....was immense. Listening to you talk was like watching myself talk, which is also a relief because FINALLY someone understands what it's like. Like you said, the resources for autism are geared towards children, but what I'm finding in searching for a diagnosis, is there is a high demand for them because of an increase in awareness. That's good I suppose. It sucks because the waitlists are several months to over a year long. I'll be sooo glad when I finally have something official, either for or against it.

Thanks for articulating some of my common thoughts, the wall gets weaker, the will to fight diminishes, the desire to be alone gets stronger...

i was born 1974. diagnosed only in 2019 though my father thought so but there was nothing that could be done. 100% agree with your assessment on a lost youth, just never having found a place. i too have been jobless, never had a dream of what i want to do or be--just never been a part of my mindset. broken family, 100% misunderstood. told i am depressed but i am not sure--maybe it's just still not fitting in.

Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for making this video, I feel what you're saying on so many levels and seriously relate, I'm going to be 33 this year and probably the last 3 years or so I've started warming up to an awareness I'm probably autistic, I want to do the test and even yesterday enquired about doing it privately as I know the GP is useless and has never bothered to help me in my life, but privately is nearly £4000! As you say you haven't made this video for sympathy, it's just you feel it's something you need to say, and I'm glad you did as it's helped a lot already, I'll be sure to watch more of your videos now. I'm constantly shunned for my dark very realistic view of the world and saying "I'd love to be optimistic, but I can't, because I just don't see anything having a 'real' improvement", hearing your experience of the world is somewhat comforting in that it just confirms my own thoughts, but it is still sad that for some reason society isn't improving - I think you hit the nail on the head when you say 'it was just more convenient for them to not bother'. Take care.

Thank you for this video. My husband and I are 30. Our daughter was diagnosed with high functioning autism. My brother has lower functioning. After doing research on her, my husband and I felt like we did too and sure enough, we now how a whole family of autism. It’s nuts. I always felt so different and now I know why. I just wish I got help earlier. It would have helped me so much. So much with ocd, anxiety, depression, etc. I can’t take back all the bullying, called weird, annoying, felt so left out in life. It makes sense why my husband and I get along so well because we are both autistic and never even knew. He’s the only person in my life I’ve ever gotten along with.

Hi there! This is the first time I’ve ever commented on a video. I actually watched this an hour ago but needed to come back and comment because I connected with what you were saying so much that I actually cried a few times whilst watching. Im 27 and realised I was autistic a few weeks ago and have since then been researching non-stop about it. I am going to start the formal assessment next month. Plus I also suspect I have alexthymia so watching videos and researching helps me better understand myself and the aftermath of the realisation. Everything you said about acting, trauma and how to carry on afterwards made me cry so much. You made me realise how much pain I had been carrying due to all that trauma. Also, you are the first person I’ve come across that mentions anything like “maybe I don’t have to do that anymore” that freeing feeling of I can just be myself now. I don’t need to do any of that anymore. “Take my foot off the gas and be a bit more me”. You saying that healed something in me that I didn’t know I needed healing or even know I needed to hear. No one else knows how it all feels and you can’t just talk about to anyone because they won’t understand completely. Plus everyone’s experience is different but you explained my situation and life perfectly. I’m so glad I found your video and that you are able to communicate what I cannot. I really have no words to describe just how much this video has impacted me and my healing. 😭🙏🏼 Thank you!

I self diagnosed at age 65 after my 40 yr old daughter said that she thought she might be on the autism spectrum. We both had our ah ha moment that explained so much of our struggles in life. I was in counseling for another issue so I brought up the possibility that I may be autistic. The counselor told me that if I was autistic ....at the age of 65... I had learned to function in the world with a high level of success so there is little benefit in seeking a proper diagnosis. So.

I have noticed, although I have been in denial about it for so long, I don't have the same strength to keep my masks up as I used to. It didn't take long after my retirement for my social skills to begin to atrophy! It's a real challenge at every social event, especially around people I care about! I'm always fearful that when my authentic self comes out, it weirds people out!

Just turned 55. Lived my whole life how you are describing. Just hearing you describe it brings back so many bad memories. I don't see much point in getting a diagnosis at my age. I'm just slowly shutting down and shutting out. The way I see it, I'll only have to do this for another 20 years or so. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one, though. Cheers, mate.

I was also late diagnosed, I was 47. I totally relate to what you say about not fitting in even with Autistic groups. I have been kicked out of Autistic groups because I also think differently than many Autistic people especially younger ones like you said. I think many of us experience a unique type of isolation where we can't connect deeply with anyone, including other Autistic people around us Thank you for making this video

Thank you so much for this Paul. You are right we need to understand that there are different experiences within the autistic community and your video has definitely done this. I can relate to the anxiety you are experiencing and the details that you describe are really important. You are doing a great thing in getting us to see “out of the box”( on the autistic spectrum community ). Will be interested to watch more of your videos. Take good care and wish you well.

this was the best description of the fear i have of 'if im diagnosed will anything actually be different or is it just a piece of paper'. thanks mate

Much love! This really really resonated so hard with me, I'm self diagnosed, late. Years and years and years of masking. Practically every thing you've said has really struck a chord with me. I'm on my own individual journey, it's been horribly hard. The negativity I've faced and still face even from people I don't know at all is wild. Most don't even know outright that I'm autistic, still they'll treat us horribly. Please continue to make this kind of content!! ❤️

I prepare for everything! When I am out and about I start going through flashes of anxiety in my mind about what I would do if this or that would happen and what I would do. I can rarely just enjoy the moment. Always on high alert.

I am glad i found your channel , its is hard being a high functioning autistic and Asperger's as well..... I am 59 and have only came to the realization that i am a high functioning autistic/Aspie for the past year. A therapist suggested it a couple years ago but i didn't pay much attention to it until i met a young man (son of a woman i tried miserably and for the LAST time to have a relationship with ) that asked me me if I was "On the spectrum" ... hadn't a clue at the time what he was talking about . A year's worth of reflecting and i DID have that revelation of holy crap , my entire life explained ! ....... But it has cost me every relationship i have ever had including the love of my life and some of the best friends i had ever known....... Navy career , jobs , Including ones like building high end kitchens after i slowly realized i HAD to work alone , but yet even that I lost because I still had to deal with people and i just cant. My best friend in life that ive lost told me once , " You are allergic to stupid people" and that fits so perfectly !!! I Have always known i was different and in 8th grade a science teacher realized i WAS different and brilliant , soon after after multiple tests they discovered i had a genius IQ . That has really served me well ! I say sarcastically .... Lost everything including jobs , relationships and homes . I was technically homeless for a couple years and intentionally orphaned myself from blood family because of complete unacceptance even after trying for decades to tell them i was different , that my mind didn't seem to work how there's did but all they hear me saying is " I AM A GENIUS " which i wasn't saying at all. Even after my unofficial diagnosis i received nothing but more of the same ..... well, a way too damn long rant already shorter , I now own my own home and shop ( paid in full , nut needs tons of work that's easy for me" where i build custom live edge furniture and never really have to deal with others , just me and my dog. Plus side of Asperger's/high functioning autistic for me is that I can do pretty much anything i want to and to perfection..... but the cost is high as we all know . I didn't think i would find others like me ( late adult diagnosed ) in a world where we are already are so alone . Shit this got long , especially when i mostly wanted to share about that there is a ton of research about natural derivates from mushrooms (read between the lines ) that definitely show promise in helping us , especially long term depression benefits and i will find out , I went from a 185# fit martial artist in what seems like overnight to a 145# husk of myself because of a snowball effect of depression and i WILL get the old me back but improved mentally , perhaps even teach it again , free of charge like before..... I apologize for the rant

Wow, that was like hearing myself speak. So much identification with the content of this video, really validating & just what I needed to hear. Thank You

I'm a 24 year old American without much opportunity to afford a proper diagnosis but I've resonated with your words beyond what I can describe and I finally feel somewhat understood.

I relate to you so much. I’m recently diagnosed at 52. Thank you for talking about these dark feelings.

I figured out when I was younger how to get a dopamine fix and/or fit in somewhat by making people laugh. I can flip a switch and make everybody in a room love me and want my attention. It feels like a job. A real acting job. Except everybody in the room is left feeling better about their day, and I am completely zonked at the end of it. I need to decompress like crazy! But I can do it. That’s how I have survived all of these years. Make peoples’ a little bit better. I don’t really think I am social at all, except for the few people I’ve met who can go on and on about a science or business project they’re working on. I eat it up! I get so excited for projects and novel ideas. As they are speaking, I am thinking of all of the problems that may come up and solving them. I have often said I want to be a professional problem solver. That is where I feel my best. Coming up with solutions for other people to work on. 😂

The times I,ve wanted to run away from a group,everyone talking at once , or on a crowded bus where you cannot escape😩🫣🤯.Now at 77 I know why ,but these problems are still there to be coped with.😢All very exhausting and each day is like stepping onto a stage to perform!

I understand your pain man, and I'm sorry. I know it's rough, and I know the struggle of fighting what you are to show others what they want you to be. In the end I burned out and crashed. I was the homeless autistic man that people threw food at on the street. There is no compassion, there is no care. When you don't behave the way they want you to you are discarded and left to rot.

44 and just diagnosed this month. And I have BPD as well. Was misdiagnosed bi-polar a decade ago. Was kicked out and homeless from 13-18 in the 90s where I was jumped at least weekly and on so many drugs daily. Had a malignant, narcissist stepfather and poor farm girl mother. I’m a white dude in the USA so no one cares. Love ya bro thanks for the video helps me accept the truth when I hear others explain how it is for them. ❤ I just tell people I am a INTP only told my cousin the truth so far.

Bottom line, rarely does anybody actually care. They don't want to know. We get punished for 'coping', regardless the difficulties. It's indescribably exhausting

I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a 36 year old man. It was just last year, not even half a year ago yet. And I don't even know what "I am", yet. I've learned so many "techniques" that I put in my toolbox of life. I'm mimic'ing every conversation with people at work, because I know how to react to EVERY single situation there is. But I can sure as hell tell you it didn't come easy to be able to mask yourself as a well-functioning being. And every fuck-up is stuck in your mind, and your kind brain reminds you of those situations just before bed. In my young years I've always felt I was "off" when I looked at everyone else, what they did and what they enjoyed. It was a time where mental health wasn't anything you could've had issues with. Man up and get yourself together, they said. So, even though my mum had a hunch, she never took me anywhere to get help. I guess I was just one of those special kids, as they were called. I don't really "enjoy" anything, really. There's no time or space as a married man with two kids to "delve" into anything, anymore. Heck, do I even "need" to be married, if it causes me so many issues? It certainly isn't a "happy" place at the moment. It's becoming harder and harder to keep up with life, as it is. I'm questioning myself every day; "why do we have to do so many chores each day?!"

Awesome video brother I feel ya. I'm 46 and homeless living in my car. I have lost a ton of jobs and relationships and never knew why. I don't seem to fit in anywhere and feel totally overwhelmed by life. Thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts and struggles. It takes courage to share your experiences. God bless you.

Hi Paul! ❤️ I sooo get all of it! Im a nurse, work in psychiatry. I am sure I have high functioning autism, doctors said I might, buy I have a job so no need for an evaluation. 🤣🤣🤣 Ive become reclusive to that same level. Nothing is worth getting out the door for weeks. Im on sick leave now otherwise Id just make it to work, survive and get back home. Im so tired of the mask, I cant waste my energy pretending that I care about trivial nonsense. Ive become sooo negative and yet, sooo happy and at peace in my reclusion. Your video makes me feel so good right now. Its ok to be me, even if nobody likes it. Big hug from Sweden. 🥰

Listening at 2am and agreeing to 99% of what you're saying. A female, diagnosed w ASD at 60+ ( ADHD diagnosis at 40÷) my life has been full of heartache and regrets. People think of me as "well adjusted and dependable" ... they don't see the grief, time & financial expense I put myself through to show up as "normal*

I was diagnosed two years ago at 48 yrs old. I’m so glad your message popped up on my feed. This hits home on so many levels. Thanks for sharing.

To me, the "dark side" of Autism, was the pre-Dx side. Because of all the harmful misdiagnoses I found out were completely invalid. I was THRILLED to find out that's all it was. Some narcissistic family members, who chose to use me as a scapegoat, absolutely HATE that I now know exactly what it is, because I no longer beat myself up, for the symptoms that "annoy" them.... and because of that, I'm mostly happy, most of the time.

I feel that. Don't get other autistic people officially diagnosed when they were young. Got diagnosed with 28 - recently. Tried to join communities online - but I felt like an alien from another solar system hanging around with aliens from Neptun.

I hear you on this. Part of me really wishes I personally had an early diagnosis at least for my own knowledge. But at the same time know that if my school or family had that "label" to slap on me in the 80s I would have been relegated to "special" classes instead of gifted. It was really a different time and understanding (or complete lack thereof). Nothing would have been expected of me and I wouldnt have built the coping abilities i have. But also If I had known myself and not had so much self-hate and self-judgement for my struggle.

I've never been officially diagnosed but I feel pretty damn sure I got 'something'. Ever since I was a kid I always struggled in social settings. Fast forward to the age of now 52, I feel like I'm a million miles away. I don't go to company parties, I've turned down promotions and seem to operate EXTREMELY well when I'm left alone.

I know this is a late comment. I am 27 and only recently (2 months ago) that I am autistic. That waiting for an epiphany is so real. Also love the building analogy you used, very true to me. Thank you for making this.

I'm 55, and I'm halfway through an ASD investigation. If I get a diagnosis, it'll answer so much. Life has been hard. Update: I am officially part of the ADS community. My life at last makes sense.

One way to explain "but you've coped ok till now, what changed" is: If you didn't know you had a disease, say a spine problem, and just soldiered on, suffering the ocassional pains and thinking "this is normal, everybody gets those sometimes". Wouldn't you want support when you did found out that, "no actually this isn't normal"? Wouldn't you want drugs and some possible accomondations? Or would you just continue harming your body, worsening your condition, and working harder than others in good health to get the same results, just because you got this far while being oblivious to your problem?

I'm pushing 50. I never considered that I was on the spectrum until my son was diagnosed. We kept getting reports from his school describing the odd behaviors and trouble he has. I assured my wife that the boy is fine. I was exactly the same at his age. I was evaluated for special education services in the mid 1980s and was told my iq is in the 99 percentile. I wasn't disabled, I was just very smart and odd. IDK what it means really. I navigate the world ok. I struggle in some areas but everyone has strengths and weaknesses. I'm rambling now but, sufficed to say, I can identify with your story .

You hit a point there, its good PR to do something for neurodiverse people, it's a social thing ...on paper but at a core they don't really want to deal with you. Take whatever underfunded support you can get if you get it or qualify. Else you are on your own. I applaud this message!

Can relate to what your saying, I was diagnosed this year at 52 .everything you said is how I feel think

❤ 🌱🥀 “Young People get older too”. 👏🏼

Admitting you have always struggled with things with a late diagnosis isn't something people can comprehend. In my case people have normalized the things i have identified in what seems to be an effort to discredit the struggle I've hidden. I appreciate how strait forward you are. Thank you

I'm on my third video from adults talking about their experiences with autism, especially late diagnosis, like your own, and I'm beginning to choke up. I'm listening while at work and trying not to look like I'm fighting getting teary-eyed. So much of this is me. So much of this, at 35 years old, is me almost to tee. I can't believe it. I've been inching closer and closer to the edge of losing my mind and throwing away everything out of sheer frustration, loathing, panic, loneliness, and depression because of still having exactly the same crippling inabilities since I was a child. I've never been able to break through to the other side and grow, to develop, to learn the things that have held me back for so insanely long. Especially when dealing with confrontation, I explode. We just hired a mid-40's man at my work that has a much more obvious level of it and I started noticing how similar my outbursts of frustration are to his own. I've just been better at hiding it over the years as I've learned to cope with... well, every type of method I've heard about so far. I do it all. I can't believe I never tried looking into this sooner. Not everything is exact, like eye contact (most of the time), or diet, but everything else is exactly what I've struggled with for my entire life. I haven't had a relationship or made a new friend in 12 years. I never understood how everybody around me at work gets along so genuinely and with such ease. The teasing, joking, flirting. I want all of that but have never, EVER understood it. Every attempt pushed people away. I'm so lonely and disconnected from being myself to everyone. Until now, it was always a combination of high social anxiety and depression. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow first-thing. I'm in such disbelief that I'm genuinely choked up.

You really hit the nail on the head here. Thank you so much for making this and sharing.

Been plagued by the same problems too. Just the other day I got angry with myself because I just can't get my head around small talk, about jolly, light conversation, the sort you're supposed to have at work. I just keep pushing people away.

Love your honesty Paul. Thanks for a great video, very relatable 💫

I’m so tired. I really needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing in spite of the threat of exclusion within the community - you’re not the only one out there and that’s comforting and helpful to know ❤