Ambient Abuse: How to Identify it... and Call It What It Is

Рет қаралды 15,714

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler - Help for Toxic Relationships

3 жыл бұрын

You know things are "off" and you're second-guessing yourself.
It's likely you're experiencing what we call ambient abuse or stealth abuse.
Today, I'll help you put your finger on it and a name to it so you can nail it down in your own mind. Then, you can make decisions! At the end of the broadcast, I'll answer all questions asked during the broadcast, too.
Ambient abuse is straight up emotional abuse. It includes gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, and emotional manipulation. And it leaves you in a state of FOG* - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - that keeps you on eggshells all the time. (*Source Susan Forward, author of "Emotional Blackmail")
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
CONNECT WITH ME:
Website: www.ForRelationshipHelp.com
Facebook: / relationshiphelpdoctor
Twitter: @RhobertaShaler
LinkedIn: / rhobertashaler
Instagram: @DrRhobertaShaler
KZfaq: / forrelationshiphelp
Get my free ebook at www.Hijackals.com
Take my free checklists: www.forrelationshiphelp.com/c...
Are you looking for relief from the pain, confusion and drama of toxic relationships? I can help.
You can reclaim your personal power. Keep watching my videos on KZfaq to find strategies for changing your relationship dynamics.. When you're ready, let's talk.
You can take advantage of my one-time. new client introductory Consultation here (only $97 for a full hour)
www.ForRelationshipHelp.com/join
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANT A SAFE PLACE-- off social media--
TO TALK, ASK QUESTIONS, GET EXPERT ANSWERS & SUPPORT?
Join my Emerging Empowered Community, online:
ForRelationshipHelp.com/commu...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explore my eCourses to build your confidence in dealing with narcissistic people.
for-relationship-help.thinkif...
#Hijackals #toxicpeople #narcissists #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #narcissisticabuse #personalitydisorder
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This content has been created and recorded for the general interest and information of the viewer/listener. Nothing said or implied on this site should be taken, or construed in any way, as legal advice, or personal advice of any kind. It is entirely informational, offering readers, viewers, subscribers, followers, and members educational resources, anecdotes, case studies, and stories.
Optimize Life Now LLC & Rhoberta Shaler, PhD makes no representations about the suitability of the content of this site for any purpose. All content is provided “as is” without any warranty of any kind.

Пікірлер: 158

@dnk4559 8 ай бұрын

I grew up in a narcissistic family system. This is the worst kind of abuse because the narcissistic parent convinces flying monkeys and the golden child that one person or another is the problem.

@fruitypopwhickle6806 Жыл бұрын

It makes me sick and scared knowing that he had evil intentions towards me. That while I was pouring into him, he was draining me. Been done with him for 11 months.

@rascallyrabbit 2 жыл бұрын

they simply hate us and haven't the courage to tell us...and we didn't have the courage, ability, stability, self to call them out on it.

@debralondon2402 Жыл бұрын

Yes

@lilithjesus7718 8 ай бұрын

very well stated. and don't be hard on yourself for not calling them out- because I'm a fiery personality, I called every hijackal/abuser I was close to out in some way (romantic partners , my dad, my stepdad, my cousin, and various other family members). E v e r y time I did confront them, the response was one or more of the following: ostrazation from family, yelling an inch from my face, children I adored getting abused, interrupted repeatedly, discounted , minimized, gaslit, fired from a job, stonewalled, etc. By not confronting them, you are also saving your worthy & valuable self from further amplified unnecessary emotional mental and physical suffering. I'm lucky I'm still alive, honestly. Rebuilding my sense of self now that I'm celebrating 4.5 months of no contact with someone it took me years to leave. Cheers to all us survivors, and to those who didn't 😌🥂 ✨ 💪 ❤️‍🔥

@tmking7483 7 ай бұрын

I constantly tell my narcs 'I love u' and get a kick out of the contempt in their face _ when I kind of force them to reciprocate the 'I love u' maybe someday they will believe what comes out of their mouth ( my mother)

@rascallyrabbit 7 ай бұрын

@tmking7483 I finally found people who like me and are kind. I don't need my narc family now. they are so negative. now, I see it. the big hange came when I thoroughly cleaned my house from baseboards to window screens to bleaching porches.( my house is 100 years old). I felt like I cleaned their dirt out of my life. weird, hu!

@tmking7483 7 ай бұрын

@@rascallyrabbit I'm cleaning my basement_ currently has generations ghosts__ every time someone dies I get their garbage. Happy u found good people _ gives me some hope to know there's still good people in the world_ peace to you

@chrisb4653 2 жыл бұрын

There's an other one: "don't talk about the past" when you want to talk about something that happened a few days ago and you would like to talk about it, like a promise that never came or a brutal word .. Thank you so much for opening our eyes!!

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Oh, yes! Hijackals try very hard to stay in the present, and keep you there, too. They hope their past deeds will be wiped out and never confronted. Sad.

@rosendungu8051 Жыл бұрын

I experienced this too. And when I'd tell him that “i realize you've nowadays changed and you're treating me like you do not value me...“ He'd tell me to refer to what he's done for me in the past to evaluate his value for me. What a double standard that we can refer to the good things and not the bad ones.

@EllaCinder-lh4ro 6 ай бұрын

@@rosendungu8051yes I’ve said ‘ if I can’t discuss feelings of sadness, anger or injustice and have you respond with humanity and openness, than what possible value would come from me complimenting, affirming or validating your behavior ? And you insist I do so INSTEAD of expressing those feelings of dis- ease; stripping me of essential dignity, like I’m an object or service provider, rather than a partner or even a person’ His response of course was to ignore my comments completely and than attacking me on the same points - reversing the script

@Gwen13061 3 жыл бұрын

Another ambient problem-when they ask you your opinion or choice and then say noooo. Almost every time

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Oh, yes, You're right. That's another "gotcha!" They ask you what you prefer and then tell you why you're wrong. All the power games! I wish you well.

@intr0vert315 2 жыл бұрын

Dang you're right! Spot on! I missed that

@rasheeda1303 2 жыл бұрын

Or bring up a subject and turn around and tell you to calm down just nasty, evil and messy.

@carriebell3566 Жыл бұрын

This is excruciatingly frustrating! This is how you know it is about them seeking your approval because they doubt their own perception, and not because they respect your opinion. If you happen to disagree you’re dismissed from the task of providing them the validation and your perception, regardless of how accurate becomes useless to them.

@alimccreery755 2 жыл бұрын

I’m actually silently erasing my abusers so congratulations to me 👍

@TraciDoering-hw8hu 2 ай бұрын

silent stealth. 👍

@squishmcphee2529 2 жыл бұрын

“You’re right. I’m not going to argue.” Provokes a response and makes you look unhinged if you respond the way you should.

@Suzy3223 3 жыл бұрын

So important.. it’s constant., you just see it in their faces, they avoid looking in your eyes (preferring to look straight ahead), things you say are met with rolled eyes or changing the subject.. if you politely disagree you’re called names and accused of being bad.. it’s hostile the majority of the time. Looking back.. my parents had complete contempt for me.. that spilled to my siblings. I felt scared and anxious my entire childhood. I understand why now. Ambient abuse is wicked. Thank you.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You're right! It's wicked, nasty, and undermining. I'm sorry that happened to you. And so glad that you see that it is their problem, and nothing to do with who you are!

@BigEvan96 3 жыл бұрын

Ambient abuse is one of the most excruciating emotional pains you can feel. It's total mental anguish. I dealt with it for years. Imagine being pinned against a wall and insulted constantly. To be jabbed at and pin pricked constantly. It's torture. It's torment. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for people who do these things.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

It is! So many forms that abuse takes and, bit by bit it erodes your self-esteem, self-confidence, and clarity. You've done well to be away from it, to have respite from it, and to heal, recover, and rebuild your life. I wish you well.

@BigEvan96 3 жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you. Same to you Doc.

@leahoakwood9988 2 жыл бұрын

Sending you love and hopes for your peace and joy. You deserve these things.

@BigEvan96 2 жыл бұрын

@@leahoakwood9988 Thank you. I know I do.

@LovingColorado598 Жыл бұрын

@@ForRelationshipHelp ❤

@chrism6500 Жыл бұрын

I went through years of ambient abuse , but didn’t know what I was dealing with and it was so hard to describe, I went to two different therapists and knew something is wrong with my relationship and it was effecting my health. I was always exhausted and became emotionally exhausted .

@MaileyMcAslan 10 ай бұрын

I think my mom used to make sure no one else in my family would go to my plays, concerts, shows, just her, so she could be the sole critic, and her criticism was silence.

@Carolyn_monroe 2 жыл бұрын

Lord save my sanity. Amen.

@Winner1-c2u 8 ай бұрын

Yes, I am the problem because I settled and lowered my standards to be with you. This is what I needed to say.

@djbrelinski 2 жыл бұрын

The hijackal smirk is the real deal. It’s how I’m looked at every day. 14 long years. How does a person get out with $650 disability a month. He’s the one that’s caused these disabilities. I was so strong and had a wonderful nursing job.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

It's difficult to make an exit plan with limited resources, I know. You can do it, though, and then you can heal and recover. Have you been to a women's resource center to find what's possible in your area? Can you share accommodations? Could you stay with a friend for a few months to get on your feet? Can you apply for further financial assistance? Who do you have in your life who understands what you're dealing with? Can you find refuge for a while with someone in a group you belong to? Brainstorm with them. I hope those ideas help.

@bodymindsoul60 2 жыл бұрын

I’m disabled and got out by going to women’s shelter 10 years ago. Blessings on your journey 🙏

@Heytheir 11 ай бұрын

i was disabled before i met and married the hijackel. i was duped and tricked. I was new to the state, no friends , no work. Still no local friends no resources for help. i’m stuck , i’m unable to work. and feel screwed so stuck.

@calihipechik7657 10 ай бұрын

@@HeytheirWhat state do you live in if you can respond safely? I'm in NJ and have had to familiarize myself with many resources available to me and have been through the social services community here, so I might be able to offer guidance depending on where you live. You sound scared and feeling hopelessness and that's never a good thing.

@lauriemeerlarock5649 9 ай бұрын

You would get alimony that can continue for decades when you come out of a marriage with disabilities. Divorce attorneys give free consultations.

@ms.texassoldier7203 8 ай бұрын

When I feel like discussing an issue or seek resolution on an issue with the narc, he will say “ now here we go again!!” He says this in a condescending manner. Immediately and I mean immediately I go into inner panic mode. Because I know the talk is not gonna go well. And yes your right he does not engage … it’s pure sarcasm and belittling towards what I’m saying then he insults the whole thing and begins to argue , yell , and of course walk away from the first 5 minutes of trying to get anywhere with the so called resolution. Goodness.. it’s just a plan of his I think to thwart my attempts to “fix” issues. Weird how we empaths always believe we can fix the narc behavior 🤷🏻‍♀️

@scottwwsi Жыл бұрын

"you're not going to hit me are you?' just making that implication sticks in the head and stays there, esp. with the 'believe all women' movement. that put many men underwater. I am so grateful I am out of that BS...the most horrible person I've ever encountered. actually, I don't even consider them humans. great video.

@kiraalialeeonfairythegreenone 2 жыл бұрын

This is an excellent video. One prevailing online belief that we grow spiritually through abusive conflict and that one's shadow side is revealed and needs clearing is such a dangerous view and undoubtedly created by a narcissist. The exact opposite happens: abuse destroys integrity, esteem, self belief, self trust... it undermines and can devastate the self ... none of which could be called personal growth... particularly when your self, the very heart of you, needs rebuilding. Abuse causes trauma... not personal growth or spiritual enrichment.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

I agree with you, Kira.

@rascallyrabbit Жыл бұрын

so true. Jesus shook the dirt off his sandals and walked away

@MoonfishSparkle 7 ай бұрын

100% agree!!! I am so tired of some people telling me I choose this life before I " came back". I know I wouldn't have chosen this abuse!!!

@sherriecarnegie5153 3 жыл бұрын

This is such a great video, l have watched so many videos on emotional abuse now and this really hit the nail on the head for me of what l have been living with the last 4 years. I have been searching for some clarity of whether it was abusive because l couldn't put my finger on what was happening as it was so subtle and then l came across ambient abuse and it is like l finally can see it and confirm that l wasn't just being paranoid or overthinking it all. l felt like l was going crazy to the point of becoming physically unwell. Thank you so much for your video. It has helped so much.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You are SO welcome. I'm glad it helped. If you ever want my help, you'll find me at BeAClient.com

@michiganmymichigan 2 жыл бұрын

So subtle, I got fooled again.

@poison_plays 2 жыл бұрын

@@michiganmymichigan Me too. It’s so hard.

@sandrachisholm2310 7 ай бұрын

FOG...there they are, the things that keep us uptight, tense, shaky, worried and tip toeing around. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. All of those sneaky things that slither around beneath each conversation or encounter. They hang in the air, drip from each word and comment, request, correction. Thank you. And thank you again for your compassion, generosity and kindness; for your goodness in desiring to help others save their sanity. Because sometimes, it really feels like it could go one way or the other.

@CaseyLee-bd5fi Жыл бұрын

The smirk....yes....ty for this video. I guess I'm glad to understand what is going on in my family of origin. And my in-laws ....wow.

@fungi42021 8 ай бұрын

we all know it

@lil--mo2025 3 жыл бұрын

This 18 month relationship with a 24 year old covert/alcoholic narc who has mastered this ambient abuse as well as pathological lying literally destroyed who I was and I’ve been through so much in life that was way harder to overcome, but this drip, drip, drip is way worse. She rarely had to say anything, she would just do things that tore me apart and would not care at all when I spoke about the pain. Told me she didn’t drink, never lies and values communication and commitment the most. Lol...all lies and the opposite in fact. I’ve never saw someone so disconnected when spoken to about their behaviors and actions.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Oh, that sound difficult and damaging. I hope you are out of it now, and well away and healing.

@dgno02 2 жыл бұрын

WOW. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years now & endured this the whole time but since each individual jab, push, comment, look, nag, correction, etc. is so small, I couldn’t figure out what was actually happening. But I knew something overall was wrong; I.e. ambient being the perfect term.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Yes, ambient abuse is sneaky and cumulative.

@MB-sg8dx Жыл бұрын

Death by a thousand cuts. This video was absolutely wow. Welcome to my world!!!

@lil--mo2025 3 жыл бұрын

Knowing alcoholic tendencies from twenty years of alcohol and drug abuse and ten years of recovery and seeing it in your narc partner, I don’t have a problem telling them I know what they are doing more than what they do as it pertains to the manipulation.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

The question is whether or not calling it out changes anything. How has it worked for you?

@lil--mo2025 3 жыл бұрын

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help nope, made it worse.

@roseenglish1127 7 ай бұрын

This is so difficult to live with, my heart goes out to everyone in this. I’ve had years of it! You think you can manage it, make if work somehow for you, tell yourself, maybe it’s not so bad, maybe it’ll sort out tomorrow, (tomorrow! tomorrow! tomorrow!). IT WONT! I get why people stay, if you have a home together, maybe children, you might be financially locked in. However, don’t wait around for it to change. Believe me, it won’t! as they age they get worse! Mine has retired (after losing his job through abusive behaviour), but he’s unhappy and it’s all my fault! My kids don’t come bcos of him, but hey! It ain’t him! 🙄 He’s even telling me there’s no place for him on this earth any longer (and quite frankly, I have to agree!! First time in a long time!)

@joanieks3945 3 жыл бұрын

Great video. It really resonates with me. Spends so much time on his phone, even when we go out. You lose track of what’s normal and what isn’t. Thank you 😊

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

So true! ...and, you're welcome.

@preciousgem9343 3 жыл бұрын

Great video! This gives me more tips on what to keep track of. I keep track of it in a journal on my phone now. That way I know why I feel like I do. Trust yourself!

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found it helpful. It is important to keep track of the abuse rather than to rationalize or justify it.

@janept9639 3 жыл бұрын

OMG All so accurate. He does 90% of these and stupid me I accept responsibility. Thanks Rhoberta for enlightening me

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You are SO welcome!

@lil--mo2025 3 жыл бұрын

She would constantly treat me like her child despite my being 17 years her senior and very independent from age 16

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

#Hijackals treat their partners like children to feel like they have power over them. Then, when folks speak up about not appreciating it, they fake being hurt because they were "just being loving and taking care of you." Have you experienced that?

@lil--mo2025 3 жыл бұрын

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help spot on!

@emmarae4322 Ай бұрын

When you bring anything up it's "I'm done." Its impossible to express your needs and wants.

@lorinnicole 2 жыл бұрын

I am being abused like this from a family member who uses coercive control. I’m in an extremely vulnerable place and this person uses that vulnerability to gain more and more control over me. I keep trying to seek help, but every time I I’m turned away because I have no bruises on my body this person does everything but put their hands on me. I used to get beat, this person used to be violent if they still could but too many domestic issues have come up she knows better than to leave a mark. My own child becomes emotional blackmail all the time and this person has caused me to become so mentally and emotionally broken down I’m embarrassingly dependent on this person. I can’t get away until I get better but I can’t get better until I get away. The worst rock and a Hard place to be. And hope I can get the strength to get out of this situation. It’s been too many years deteriorating who I am as a person, my dignity is practically gone and my self care has been the most recent side affect. They even need to control the clothes I wear, so at this point I have a terrible time just dressing myself because everything I say and do becomes an issue I have to fight for my life over..

@laleezy77 3 жыл бұрын

I've been with toxic guys in past but this one now is a special type of toxic Ive never dealt with before..scary

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Hi! You're seeing the pattern, and that's good. Time to say good-bye, right?

@sandrachisholm2310 7 ай бұрын

You are lovely and sweet. Thank you for saying the words out loud. They need to be said.

@User_Unknown_15 2 жыл бұрын

Probably the most important video I have ever seen in my entire life

@shirleymorales3161 Жыл бұрын

Was with my husband who outwardly hurt me 14 years physically,mentally,emotionally. Then remarried to man,we had our issues for sure but grew together and loved one another even better as we went along .He passed away from cancer. I thought i would know right away a bad situation but 7 years after my husband passing and not even looking to date, i took a chance . Love bombing was Huge. I know now that is what it was. There were subtle hints of dismissal in conversation and listening to get information for later devaluing. Mostly compliments with a twist of demeaning.Leaves you feeling confused and wondering if that was on purpose. You dont even call it out cause your mind is trying to grasp it. Have been wondering am i losing it. Am i just looking for bad in someone whos good. Hard to ever be happy or feel secure when your analyzing every word they say and thinking way too much there it is again and again and again.And here i am 3 years in still trying to impress, working my ass off on his ranch and house and him sending a little money here and there,then me feeling like hes paying me then i put most of it back into his place that he makes sure i know will belong to his children . Still feeling obligated guilty and kinda scared to tell him its not going to work . I hear him say how he talks to people at work even blames them for his obvious mistakes and i know its not right.Yet i feel i should try harder. Oh my, this really made everything make sence in words, not just confused thoughts in my own head .I do appreciate this !Death by a thousand cuts is real.

@robinfoster9287 Жыл бұрын

I love your talks! I listen to them at work in the background while I'm doing my job-I'm an office manager. I donate to AHA an organization for honor violence. My psychic space is still invaded with extreme coercive control that has led to bouts of suicide attempts. I finally saw patterns sex abuse and mental illness and pre-exposure to graphic child abuse thru religion and have learned a lot from listening to this. My hope is 2 run my own production company where I make a product that is sold to benefit women leaving honor violence, religious control. I agree that coercive control is by far more deadly than being hurt by violence force. I've had stitches in my face and I've had black eyes and I've had scars left on my body from beatings that are by far more less severe than a mental and emotional cruelty. You can walk away from someone and suffer years and years and years and years of abuse that you cannot disclose to others that is impossible to explain. Coercive control is the worst part. I blare your recordings in my house off my Amazon Alexa in order to drown out negativity around me. I listened to you and several other women who talk about domestic violence while I'm blow drying my hair.

@michiganmymichigan 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the word intimidating. Yes.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome

@merrill5780 6 ай бұрын

My mother did this since my earliest memories.

@DT175Enduro Жыл бұрын

If you feel you are abused, you are. But similarly the is not true for the narc abuser that used emotions to substantiate "truth."

@evemichael3850 3 жыл бұрын

I was feeling like I was missing the abuser and had a weak moment... I listened to this and it soothed me and reminded me. X Your voice is so kind and soothing. Thank you for all the information that is not always covered everywhere. And bringing confidence back into our own judgement xx. So proud of you that you survived all this and providing all this information to help others and still came out the other side so kind. Thanks x , envy what you do, in a good way 😂 ❤

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Good for you! I'm glad you looked for another solution to your temptation...and succeeded in redirecting yourself! You're so welcome. I'm happy to hear that you find value in the podcast and videos. Many of the podcast episodes are not available on KZfaq, and you'll find them wherever you like to get podcasts, or here on my site: SaveYourSanityPodcast.com

@sheilajac 2 жыл бұрын

that' what has been done to me...all my life by my family and recently by friends and acquaintances, I even called it "diffuse" at one point. The way I tried to describe it was like being at the bottom of a dark hole and having little stones thrown at me, in the form of small verbal abuses, gaslighting/ lies or deceptions, over a long period of time, until I am eventually buried. None of the single stones, even the bigger ones, are enough to kill me but they inevitably bury me slowly. Someone - an acquaintance, who I unfortunately introduced to my brother, who is very "diffusely abusive" - even told me, a few years ago, that I was in a round room looking for the corner and there wasn't one, and there was NO escape. So, someone has done this to me intentionally. I don't think my brother has the ability or cunning to pull something like this off, I think he has been used, it seems there is one person pulling a lot of peoples' strings and he is one of them. There's also been suggestions of a competition...my mother asked me in 2019 if I was "jealous" of my brother, in a really nasty way. Laughing in my face, basically. Wanting me to be jealous of him for some reason...that I have no idea what or why - but I definitely am not, he is a perennial peter pan, whose toxic mother is his biggest fan. He could have a billion dollars and I would NOT be jealous of him, because he has to live with himself, which is something I'd never want. Something else I picked up on in the midst of what seems to be a 7-year gaslighting/smear campaign I've suffered, is that the person behind this was using people's weaknesses primarily. Most of the flying monkeys in the beginning were abusive people from my past. But even good people, who I consider trustworthy friends seemed to be hiding something from me. I came to the conclusion that whoever is behind this, is also using people's good natures and trust against them. ie telling them something positive is happening, and I'm the problem somehow (something I am used to, having grown up as a scapegoat in a N abusive family). I am at my wit's end. I have even been pushed to suicide, but that stopped a couple of years ago after a number of women, some in similar circumstances as me, did kill themselves. I have no idea what to do about any of it because it is so diffuse and hard to explain, what's been done to me and it seems unlikely that so many people would be so cruel. Which is how I came up with the explanation that people were being told a multitude of lies, some positive, but most of them very negative. My character has been literally assassinated.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

So difficult, I know. You have been able to articulate the feelings well. I'm sure many folks will relate to your words, sadly enough. Have you been able to move away emotionally from the destructive Hijackals in your life? Emotional distance is a good start. If I can help you create an empowering strategy, please reach out: www.forrelationshiphelp.com/join I wish you freedom and peace.

@ford5716 Жыл бұрын

❤ 💯

@dustin1722 10 ай бұрын

I feel ya same crap. What can be done about it? There needs to be laws bc this is why people snap and go on shooting sprees. This is the, “Mental Health Crisis.” What’s worse is they tend to pick some of the best people. People that are strong and do actually care about others. They take good people lure them in and work together oftentimes to destroy them. Not overnight but slowly and methodically. I wish someone would’ve told me about this kind of thing way back in grade school. It needs to be common knowledge and their needs to be the harshest of penalities for this. Separate the humans from the nonhumans.

@dustin1722 10 ай бұрын

Mine too apparently and what’s worse is nobody will tell you but you know something is up. It’s totally amazingly fucked up and beyond wrong. This is the pandemic.

@sheilajac 10 ай бұрын

@@dustin1722 ya, i've been seeing it more in a spiritual way lately. i don't have the headspace atm to explain, as i'm in the hospital w/a badly broken hip. broke the same hip but a different part in 2020 and i think both were spiritual attacks. its crazy and hard even for me to believe, but my new theory is that it always has been spiritual, i just didn't have the "spiritual eyes" to see it until recently. lots of supernatural, non=coincidental things have been said to me and happened around this injury, including the swift arrival of the paramedic, things sad to my by her, things that happened in the ER. i mostly keep my cool when this sort of twilight zone happens, but i had to inhale a LOT of nitrous oxide on sunday, since the top of my femur was jammed into my groin for 30 hours before i got surgery and i even kinda freaked myself out in the er waiting area. then had my first vivid hallucination in surgery. as unlucky/terrible as it was, it could have been a lot worse and some good luck happened amid it. suffice to say, if you react w/hate or rage or violence, you may turn into one of "them" - maybe that's the only point of it all, im not sure...but i took a wheelchair outside tonight and had some lovely interactions w/some beautiful souls, all of whom i suspect have had a hard life. even discussed that w/one lady, same age as me, how our generation got the short stick over and over. but maybe there was a reason for that too, you know? try to stay calm, seek out things that make you happy. i know its hard, impossible at times. but imperfection and being able to remain kind or not to become a provoker/destroyer, IS what makes us human, rather than inhuman or demon or what have you, whatever they are.

@poison_plays 2 жыл бұрын

Michael’s comment made me cry. My ex, who I was with for 10 years until this past fall has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive over the past four months. She has no income, says she can’t work, doesn’t try to get on any form of assistance and insists that I’ll be forcing her into homelessness if I make her move out of the home we shared together. But she won’t stop abusing me. It’s escalating, if anything. And she tells people things behind my back to make them think I abuse her. I’m terrified that if I tell her she can’t live with me anymore that she’ll hurt herself on purpose and then blame me for it to me anyone who will listen. But I don’t want to live with someone who treats me so cruelly. It’s scary and confusing. I feel so much for Michael. I understand all too well what he was going through. I hope he’s been able to get free of his abusive partner and is feeling safer and more at ease now, like he deserves.

@TallulahBelle3276 8 ай бұрын

Thank you, Dr. Shaler. 🙏🏽💯✨💝

@PTSDWhileBlack Жыл бұрын

This is so excellent! Thank you for this information and normalizing the experiences I have had for the past few months.

@leahoakwood9988 2 жыл бұрын

A friend introduced me to your work. She has a lot of faith in what you do to help us. I trust too, often, and bad things have happened because of this. Couldn't find Optimize life after emotional abuse. Is it on Facebook? 19:28 I've had SO MANY ugly instances with men, I just don't care whether any of them "want me" or not. The last two were so bad, I've stayed away from "romantic" relationships for 20 years.

@alimccreery755 2 жыл бұрын

I’m convinced now that this is happening as well as Abuse by proxy. My employment is being targeted as I’m realizing that not every situation I have been in is coincidental. Do you have any suggestions as to confront or stop this. I’m being blocked from getting out of the home of the person who is abusing me. I’m not in a fog or paranoid.

@fungi42021 8 ай бұрын

what kind of things?

@terrapintravels3829 2 жыл бұрын

Oh wow, thank you for putting a name to this type of emotional abuse! And listing the 10 symptoms. I started journaling this abuse after the 3rd month of being with the hyjackle because I knew that if I didnt write it down I would excuse it all. I started noticing silent treatment and big and small comments and gestures about my weight such as him telling me I should accept body image cut downs about my weight because his children accepted these cut downs excused as jokes through sarcasm. I became very jittery and clumsy, and I startled easily I was an emotional mess.

@jackielayser8430 8 ай бұрын

This is good. Thank you

@ChildoftheLIGHT 5 ай бұрын

Wow…you nailed it. Thank you so much!💟🕊️🙏🏻

@jeanmitchell5834 8 ай бұрын

Great video......its all so true

@lauratheexplorer6390 3 жыл бұрын

This video is so valuable. Thank you so much Dr. Rhoberta.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found it helpful. You are so welcome!

@lilibutkica4970 Жыл бұрын

Great. Thanks

@darleenmcbride8900 Жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@BratKid111 5 ай бұрын

thank you ❤

@michiganmymichigan 2 жыл бұрын

I did not think they knew they were lying when they wrongly accused me. I knew, but I did not matter. Thank you Dr. Roberta Shaker.

@michiganmymichigan 2 жыл бұрын

Shaler

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Rhoberta Shaler, yes.

@kristyjacobs6510 2 жыл бұрын

I just want to throw it out there ; listening to the story about someone wants to borrow money ; I have been told ‘ I was dumb enough to loan it out - i don’t deserve to get paid back . // nobody else pays me back , why should they ? . Then they say “ truth hurts huh “. “Just being honest .” . So never never trust anyone when they ask to borrow money. You are not a bank n they wont pay you back.

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Money is often a clarifier about relationships. That's so true!

@Uberqueenbee 2 жыл бұрын

Psychological abuse is very real

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

VERY real, and more pervasive than most people think or believe!

@fungi42021 8 ай бұрын

absolutely 💯

@escape2jesus113 3 жыл бұрын

I have been dealing with this for 2 years with my boyfriend.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry to hear that. Are you thinking about giving him up as a boyfriend?

@tammypark7754 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video. It truly helped me today.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

@Gwen13061 3 жыл бұрын

What if they do nurturing types of things that make you feel infantalized? It’s hard to fault them when they want to make sure you have the right gear for the weather if you’re going somewhere and they pack your jacket or telling you the kind of gloves you need, or suggest what you might want off a menu? It makes me crazy. But isn’t that their love language? Ugh

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

That is another #Hijackal tactic: appearing to be overly protective to the point of smothering and pretending it comes from deep caring. No, it isn't their love language: it's their neediness for power, couched in ways they don't think you can complain about. Ugh, indeed!

@Gwen13061 3 жыл бұрын

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help in other words their neediness for power being equal to control. Actually (I think?) it’s one of two things. He gets nervous if things are not done exactly right. If we are outdoors and it rains, it frightens him if one of us is not “equipped “ properly. Perhaps he would feel shame if he (we) weren’t prepared and got rained on. OR it is that he really does not see that I am an autonomous individual.i wish I understood it completely. Then I would know better where he was coming from and know how to respond.

@carriebell3566 Жыл бұрын

My roommate does this. Invasive to the 9th degree, so much so, he creates useless people around him. The latest example was me sitting in my car in the driveway while talking to a friend because it was raining so hard I couldn’t leave my car. My roommate came out, saw me in the car, and called me. I didn’t answer because I was on the phone. Then he came out to look through my car window. He sees me on the phone, goes back into the house and calls me again!!! When I finished the call and came in and asked him “why?.” He told me he was making sure si didn’t need an umbrella! The truth is that he didn’t want me talking on the phone! It is indeed insidious, cunning and crazy making!

@Uberqueenbee 2 жыл бұрын

Oh good grief, one narcissistic relationship, a very wealthy and a bit older, he told me just that, I know more about you than you know yourself.. This guy also told me that he would find me wherever I went come 3 to 4 weeks top and destroyed whatever I had re established for myself.

@Uberqueenbee 2 жыл бұрын

He also told me he would prove to me that my family and so called friends would betray me to get close to his family's power and money

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Sad! Those are moments when you take his text, email, or recorded phone call to the police to record his threats.

@bobsanderz3005 2 жыл бұрын

WOW!

@kaystephens2672 Жыл бұрын

I'm being told I have a learning disability, I'm being told I'm not as smart as so and so. As good as so and so. As perfect as so and so. And on and on and on and on till infinity. And beyond.

@oldgreasychips Ай бұрын

i think i got heart failure from this type of abuse, he would crack his knuckles if i was doin something that made him jealous like art or music and it would make my heart race.

@meloneymoore8856 4 ай бұрын

Thank you for pointing this out and explaining this ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon

@gypsyaspen1297 2 жыл бұрын

E.x a parent only speaks to their adult child when their favorite grandchild is not around. Ex. You are arguing with one person 3rd party comes in and starts having a completely separate conversation with the person you were arguing with.

@denisepayne3601 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video. May I ask how can I show the judge in family court that I am a Victim of ambient abuse? Is Ambient abuse considered abuse in the court of law? Please I need help.

@ForRelationshipHelp 3 жыл бұрын

Hi! Ambient abuse is not well-used as a term in court. How you show it is by careful documentation of factual incidents in the relationship over time. You can go back and document everything you can remember with approximate dates, if need be. Also, include corroborating comments from friends and family. Keep very good records to show patterns as clearly as you can. I hope that helps. Rhoberta

@diannerussman1302 2 жыл бұрын

I am struggling to get back to myself I need more help getting out of this hyjackal abuser. I know I am not happy when I am with him. I need help. He is like stocking me. I am having touble

@ForRelationshipHelp 2 жыл бұрын

Hi, Dianne, Most people do need help to make the shifts required to leave abusers and move towards healthier life styles. If you'd like my help, you can talk with me directly at BeAClient.com, or join my Emerging Empowered Community here: JoinInToday.com I wish you well.

@edgreen8140 3 жыл бұрын

Sam has a Ph.D. in physics. But he knows his dx.

@carolyndavasligil1388 Жыл бұрын

Tbs never got resolved,he never wanted totalkabout our problems.

@pamelamoore6239 8 ай бұрын

According to the N, there never were any problems until I wanted to talk about them...and that was the problem. I made created problems by wanting to talk about them. Convoluted, duh?

@percubit10 11 ай бұрын

Enitional abuse

@Heytheir 11 ай бұрын

hi. i can’t find either of your groups on fb. Can i get someone to help with the exact group names ty. I really need them ty

@percubit10 11 ай бұрын

I feel like shit all the time. I am done with this culture.

@alimccreery755 2 жыл бұрын

Could this be a possibility for people who are going on shooting sprees that they are being abused to the point where they are doing what they are doing and it’s being covered up? Think about it, I have. I refuse to allow anyone or anything to force me to be a criminal.

@dustin1722 10 ай бұрын

I fully agree with you. Work place bullying or mobbing and no justice will push anyone and I mean anyone bc we’re all human and have feelings and they can only be shoved down or ignored for so long so if they don’t leave then it’s very likely something bad will happen. It’s not mental health issues and notice how the media pretty much never talks about what really motivated the shooters and now they keep the manifestos out of public. It’s like all the narcissists got together and decided to cover for one another’s abuse. There’s hardly any legal protections against this stuff unless you can prove it was discrimination of a protected category as if to say without saying that it’s perfectly ok to abuse you if you’re not a disabled minority or as long as the abuse isn’t racial lol. Wtf! Sorry I was just happy to see someone else has caught on to this madness. Thanks and have a good day👍

@User_Unknown_15 2 жыл бұрын

Can you adopt me