When a narc parent or any narc sees the good in you, they can't appreciate it because it's a remainder of their own inner misery where there's no joy or love, such thing hurts them a lot and they "get even" by putting you down constantly. That's why they set you up for failure and block your gifts and talents. They spoil any given happy moment you could have. They also hate to see you grow. To them life is a contest not a fest. Thank you dr. Reid for helping us find our way home.

My dad picked on me all the time when I was resting or watching TV. As a teenager, I had to always be studying. I got stressed and physically sick from the stress. I was sent home from school once, my dad didn't show any compassion, he said that I needed to study. And to get myself our of those feelings of being sick. I have gotten so much better as I take breaks from work and I have a coloring book. And I dance, and I have fun. I also got myself a Bicycle 🚲. I also play at the park. Also I enjoy pleasure more.

Jay, I owe my progress to you and Patrick Teahan. I cannot express how grateful I am for this information that you give to us for free. This has been better than all the othet therapists I have seen put together. Thank you so very much

I've concluded that, in a relationship with a narcissistic person, the goal should be to disappoint them. If I can start from that point, I'm a lot less likely to buy into their judgements of me.

I was always trying to fit in with my family. I could never connect to anyone. I had to go along to get along. I couldn't be accepted for who I really am. My family didn't show me any affection. I didn't feel loved because there was no love in my family.

The remedy for narcissistic abuse is to shamelessly assume your worth and stick to it. If someone treats me less than I deserve, I cut them off. It includes friends, partners, family members, etc. You are the one who can assign your worth. There is no "outside source" deciding what you deserve and what not. Intuition plays a big role in avoiding toxic relationships. I no longer gaslight myself that: "I am oversensitive or think too much" etc.

You’re the most comprehensive and exact therapist helping with narcissistic abuse here on youtube. So many others talk about extremes. But dealing with a narcissistic parent is so complex. They’re not just acting bad. In fact, it’s the unreliability and the subtleties that make it so much harder for the child to figure out what is happening. I don’t have problems with condemning the extreme moments. What produces the worst self-doubt was and is the positive moments and the subtle scapegoating, the control hidden behind proclaimed care, the criticism of your character in the guise of “It’s just because I care…maybe you should think about your behaviour xyz…just saying…” etc. You are brilliant. I don’t know why you don’t have more subscribers.

This video is so enlightening AND hopeful. I really appreciate your deeper dives into ALL of these topics. Also the way you gently let us know, that all of these issues are actually nothing more than the narcissistic parent's issues. Deep down we have always been OK just as we are. As adults we can understand it now and make more healthy decisions moving forward. It helps so much. Thank you!

This is so eye opening- I had a similar type of shame thrown on me about high school athletics with my narcissistic mother. I could be winning games, In newspapers , etc, but those good moments were short-lived, and so during times I wasn't practicing or working out, I was made to feel I was a burden and didn't care about my family, that I was some lazy loser. Now as an adult, I certainly know I need rest, but the longer I rest the crappier I feel about myself. So then I take on more, too much, and become tired and resentful. Then I feel crappy about myself again bc I can't keep up

Another video that really resonates 💕. All my life I thought I was inadequate and irresponsible, but I'm now learning that many people are just using my overinflated sense of responsibility in order to manipulate me. I'm wary of the people that have complemented my sense of responsibility, because they want me dependent on their opinion. As soon as as I don't do what they want, I'm inadequate and irresponsible. I have to learn to know my truth and know that I'm not responsible for everything and everyone, and that I'm human and it's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes don't make me inadequate and irresponsible.

Wow, this one hit home for me, found myself crying because I can relate so much to this experience during my childhood and when I was married and in toxic work places. You are right, being able to experience healthy relationships with safe people allows oneself to be validated for who they are without having to perform or always be ‘doing’ something. Narcissistic people are unable to validate others for who they are, just what others can do for them. I sometimes still feel this sense of uneasiness and guilt if I am not always ‘doing’. But now that I understand where this originates from, it’s easier to work on it and make necessary changes. Being able to be my authentic imperfect self and accepted as I am has been very key to healing. Thank you so much for your insights!🙏💜

Wow. My parents used to shame us for being "lazy" as well - which really just meant being caught resting or being at ease...you know, as children. Years ago, when I had my wisdom teeth out as a freshman in college, which I had scheduled over spring break so that I could recover and not miss school, my mother mocked me and jabbed continually about how they paid for the surgery (insurance did), how she was "taking care of me" (she wasn't - not even meals or tea) and I wasn't doing anything except lying around. Never mind that I had scheduled the time to read all the literature for an extra Honors workshop course I was taking - at the University where I had a full Honors scholarship, so I wasn't costing them any money. She was such a horrible $%&*@. I am learning that it was because she felt so inadequate, and it is also hard not to take those attacks on my character personally, even now. I struggle with self-care and healthy boundaries to this day, and it is hard to learn to rest, or to feel adequate.

I think the constant made to feel inadequate led me to develop perfectionism and ocd traits. The constant need to over check in with everything I am doing . Did I say this right or am I doing it right? The nagging feeling inside of something is wrong . I feel free when I am in a creative flow and trying to learn not to edit myself when in that space.

Yeh, My mother required me to be invincible and brave but without any kindness, understanding or support. I disappointed her relentlessly.

I didn't realize it was ingrained into my subconscious mind and had severe self-esteem issues even when I was striving in school and then at work I felt not enough. The narc condems me during school even my "A", he said "It must b a LOW "A". I only found out something was wrong with me one day when I received a gift from my employer for doing a good job, I felt so guilty until I cried just for being gifted a gift for my performance. After few more years, I realized that the narc was checking and condemning me on everything I get for myself even when it was essentials. I was very thrifty to a fault that I used till my things / gadgets died only did I get myself 'average' priced replacement only to be told STRAIGHTAWAY by the narc "You have SOOO much money to waste, don't you?" even when I really needed those things and bought from after saving for it. It's made me anxious even to go for a nice meal like after few months. But the narc will be splurging on ridiculous nonsense that he threw away after a week or month. I still feel uncomfortable even when I work with clients and they like my work.Recently, one even told me that I just need to give myself more credits.

A classic tactic by the parent to give incomplete instructions or no instructions when tasking their kids with a chore. Then that parent would berate the child for doing it wrong. It’s all one big setup and it’s insidious that the parent proactively sets up their child to fail. My mom had so much grandiosity and was a self professed expert in many things. I believe this tactic of tasking her children with chores they had no experience in was to get narcissistic supply. It was a way to showcase her “skills” when she would be “forced” to do everything by herself as a result of our “incompetence”.

Your content really is exceptionally good on these topics. Thank you!

As always you are singing my song. And as always I feel validated and stronger. Thank you!

Your videos help so much and the stories you explain are relatable. Everything you say is too familiar. Nothing is good enough for these sorts of parents. They will suck the life out of the scapegoat child who tries to please them or make them proud. Life is so much more beautiful and peaceful when you stay away from narcissistic parents.

Thank you for validating us, Dr Jay.

Been there,done that and have the t shirt. I have a phd yet I have often felt inadequate. I was basically taught such as a child. I am gradually replacing my old belief with one that goes, “I am good enough.”

Sorry. Just watched a video on baby monkeys being made insane by isolation. I wonder how I am as sane as I am.

My most concerning issues are codependency, blurry boundaries and trauma bonding.

Your videos are more helpful than therapy, I’ve been looking for this information for years, wish I had known what Narcissism was 15 years ago…

I had the same experience with resting. I never heard from my parents to just stay home and sleep. A week after I had lost my 9th pregnancy my mother told me to go get a job right away because we had financial problems...I was always deemed lazy..when I was 4 my nickname was Lazy Laila..

I recognize this pattern and behavior but I cant seem to be able to place my father in the " all bad" camp. There were moments that seemed to come from a loving heart. Although I question those moments. I found a Fathersdaycard i gave to my dad when i was 6. I wrote: My dad is kind, but also mean. And that has been our relationship all the time. And I am as divided on my feelings for him to this day. I hate him, and love him sometimes. I was badly wounded by him mentally (and my mom for that matter) but he sometimes did or said stuff that makes it hard for me to just write him off 100% as a bad person. Which would be so much easier for my mind. Why are my feelings so conflicted?

the story of my life... Now I am a great workaholic

Thank you so much for this information! I am finally unraveling things that have been staring me in the face for many decades.

I get little praise with hidden agenda from manipulators

My dad was a relentless, perfectionistic task master and the guilt and inadequacy that arise when I rest or relax with free time creates extreme anxiety that feels unbearable. This helped me connect my dad to my feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. He said I was lazy and selfish, but I didn’t have any friends who worked as hard as me.

how do we heal when the narcissist tells you they aren't a narcissist and say, "you are delusional". I feel I'm going slowly insane 😢

Thank YOU Doc Jay, appreciate you 🤗

Why am I watching this at 2:30 am 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I really appreciate you and these videos thank you

Absolutely love your videos man. You have helped me come to terms with my life. First time “waking up” in my 33 years of life, PAINFUL

GREAT channel . . !!!!

Jay you are excellent in helping people work through things. Your case examples are really helpful.

Important topic. My mother felt me inadequate.

Thank you so much 🙉!! I can’t tell you how much I needed this message this morning!!!

This is a tough one for me. As you allude to, I sometimes find myself feeling inadequate or less-than for no reason I can really determine. That's when my mind goes on a search for something I am bad at or something I failed to accomplish. Then I find that I'm back in balance. I really hate that cycle and am working on getting out.

Wow resonances so much! Relentless interference. It was such a joke.

Thank You ! Soooo helpful! I’m becoming who I really am.

This is long but I have to get it out. I was blinded in an eye by a doctor I was working for because he gave me the wrong prescription. My face was twisted like a pretzel too and I was in pain but mostly shock because it was permanent damage. I took a day off of work to deal with it and he fired me. After that I was looking for jobs and for places to live. I found work where I had to be there by 5, 6 or 7 AM. Meanwhile I was moving a lot and lived with some abusive roommates who were strangers. (Later on one of them attacked me with double brass knuckles and smashed that same eye completely. That was a living situation I was forced into by my mother despite my gut feeling screaming “No!”. She wouldn’t listen to me saying no.) I got so depressed from all of this and got little sleep. My parents had convinced me to move across the country and live with them. They forced me to get up at 7AM because that’s what they did and I could never say a word to them about anything. I was exhausted but told I had to get busy. I did a lot volunteer work of various kinds and took college classes even though I already had an M.A. from Columbia University. From the beginning of all this my mother was telling me that I should kill my self because no one could stand me. She called me “the loser “ and said I did everything wrong. Both “parents “ told me that I was “the devil “ even though I was the good one in the family like you said Jay. I was the empath who cared about everyone, was gentle, a hard worker but also the truth teller. This traits sealed my fate. I spent my life in psychiatric hospitals and emergency rooms from making suicide attempts (about 30 years). I guess I understand a little more now why I did what I did. I was doing what my narcissistic parents wanted me to do to make themselves feel better. Sorry if this is disjointed but I blocked all of this out from my memory until recently.

Greg and I are one in the same it feels like. This describes my experience perfectly.

It is very sad when you’re not allowed a sick day! Later on I was so grateful to God for allowing me to get Covid just so I could get rest away from some of those devils! That’s when you know it’s bad when you have to fight or get sick or hide to have peace! I have so much to teach young people not to fall into that trap! You have to watch who becomes your friend! God bless you!!🙏❤️🕊🎶

Thank you Jay. This particular video rings so many bells. You have been helping me a lot.

extremely familiar. thank you for helping us to see through the veil and understand and point out these wrong things so we can peel them out from inside

Thank you so very much!

You have never said, "You are Co-DEPENDANT and must TAKE THE BLAME for your contribution to YOUR SUFFERING"!

He suffered childhood neglect. What kid has root canals unless the parents didnt teach Greg how to floss and brush daily. And, the father didnt show any concern about the moth surgery he had. Damnnnnnn

This life requires to much from us-we need to be compinsated!

Thank you

"competitive" corporate workplaces especially when they start to justify ignoring health issues.

Great video 👌

The FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM.... You STILL are remembering those FIRST ORIGINS OF LIFE.... I FEAR IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY...NO MATTER HOW RATIONAL ALL ARGUMENTS ARE... STILL........ THE MOTHER (IN MY CASE) AND LATER SIBLINGS ARE POISONOUS MAGGOTS... AND NO SUBSEQUENT GOOD INPUT CAN TAKE AWAY THAT HORRIBLE PAIN.

I am adequate ❤

OMG....... This week has been HORRIBLE...and I feel like I will NEVER feel OK... Even when THEY seek me out because of how good I have been to them.... I STILL feel HORRIBLE ... I feel awful most of the time... I know I am a kinder, nicer person than MOST POS TODÀY... I feel like I have to just stay away from most aholes today... SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM TOO SENSITIVE TOO NICE TOO WHATEVER...... THEY WANT ME GENTLE AND PASSIVE WITH THEIR BS.... BUT WITH OTHERS... THEY WANT ME TO BE A TRICKDICK EITH OTHERS

Just got off the phone not long ago. It was a physiotherapist office receptionist turning me away from my appointment and directing me to other physiotherapy offices instead. After their physiotherapy office on a form asked some very nonsensical questions. Like if I wanted to be treated as only an X or only other things instead of only being a female or male and they were asking me if I wanted to be addressed with the title Mr., Miss, Mrs., Ms., They along with our given at birth name. No I am not going to bother them again while they are busy trying to work by trying to point out that whatever professional told them they should be doing so is only a narcissist. Which in fact could only have been the I.T. professional who helped set up that professional office.

The narc. wats you dead, even if even the narc. doesn’t know that. Their attacks are the narcs finding fault with themself. Thanks.

I need a good therapist.

Right 🥰🥰💞😃❤️😘🙂🦋

Hi Jay, assuming his father continues to treat him as inadequate, how would you recommend Greg goes forward regarding the relationship with his dad?

Are you Greg?

I now realize that if God didn’t give me a subhuman father, I’d be a billionaire!