This issue is much more pronounced in the younger generations. As a university student, I feel pulled apart by the foundation-less, selfish friendships that I see and experience on campus and a great desire for intimacy. Either way, there is unrewarded pain.

I think that the main problem with most contemporary friendships is that they are so shallow. Most people are not willing to sacrifice much for the sake of their friends.

Another thing CS Lewis said was that friendship comes from looking in the same direction as somebody else. I think that the general division with respect to morals, religion, and politics also makes friendship more difficult, since it is harder to find people who love the same things you do.

You quoted “The Four Loves” that’s my favorite work I’ve read of Lewis’s. I like your channel even more now than I already did 😆. I shared that book with my friend, now wife, and his section on Friendship made her cry, it moved her so much.

It’s so funny that you talk about friendship and loneliness. We were just discussing how in the churches many are lonely and friendship is not always a priority among people in some congregations. People are busy either with work, families,ministry, etc. there is a lot of running around but people have a hard time connecting to another person in a very intimate way. I think it’s endemic of our society as a whole and that includes churches. People hat a difficult time being quiet or still and enjoy the presence of God and the presence of one another.

So excited for this video! I have been thinking about friendship now in the wake of leaving college and friendships have started to become more distant and sparse (and especially after seeing photos of friends at a halloween party I wasn't invited to lol) I have also been thinking about this quote from CS Lewis about our over sexualization of friendship: “Those who cannot conceive Friendship as a substantive love but only as a disguise or elaboration of Eros betray the fact that they have never had a Friend."

This is great insight into the personal and emotional struggles of veterans after they separate.

"Thank you" doesn't even begin to describe my sincere gratitude for taking on this awesome subject.

Wow this was so fascinating. I never stopped to think about friendship in this way. It’s so apparent that modern conceptions of friendship have really influenced us all in the west.

Our lack of friendship leaves us vulnerable.

This video is so important that it could change lives. If more people could think of friendship in this way, it might start a small revolution. Thank you, sir, for bringing St Anselm to your non-Catholic viewers.

Such an interesting topic. It made me think of the way children see friends. Their best friends mean so much to them. Maybe there is a natural incling to this. But when they grow up and see how grownups behave, they might get confused sometimes. So their love for their friends might shift or they see themselfes in a different light. Just some thought, in a rough sketch. Thank you Dr. Ortlund for the video. Greetings from Switzerland

Hi Gavin. Yes, I believe this is truly a blind spot for us in the West. It is truly up to the church to model the kind of deep, loving, and genuine relationships the world is longing for. What Anselm said about us being omnipotent in Heaven is truly thought-provoking. When studying Catholicism years ago I remember reading or hearing something like this in reference to making petitions to Mary. It was explained that her will was so united with Christ’s that there was no contradiction between the two. I don’t see any biblical warrant for Christians on earth making requests of saints in Heaven but the whole concept of our will being in perfect harmony with Christ’s when we are in heaven makes sense. In studying ancient Christian thought I find that they covered a lot of things that we just don’t think about.

I think I specifically asked you to talk more about this after you mentioned it in a video once, so I REALLY appreciate getting to hear more. The culture we live in has definitely diminished friendship. There’s this conception that words like friendship and romance denote AMOUNT of love instead of TYPE of love. If you care about someone a bit, that person is a friend, but if your level of caring gets too large, then you must shift to viewing it as a romantic/sexual love instead, because those are the only loves which love someone that much. As a woman who believes God intentionally made me to be single, I would like to live in a culture which has an understanding of the fact I might form a really close bond with another person (or multiple people) but it’s not romantic! Alas, even churches can get caught up in accidentally diminishing the value placed on friendship. Fortunately, I have been building friendships over the years, with my closest blood relatives and a few other souls as well. Without them, I know my life would be greatly diminished. But it’s hard, because there’s always a voice in my head whispering that once they “fall in love” they’ll leave me behind to pursue their “true” love instead.

Thanks! As a pastor of a house church, and over the years multiple smaller groups, this has been my calling (John 13:35). I agree that the "love of the saints" should be one of our primary pursuits and this video has reinforced what I perceive as the necessity of it. Thank you for making me aware of Anselm's passion of the same. It was certainly one of Jesus' passion and I believe is vital to spiritual maturity.

Wonderfully insightful video as always, will be praying for your busy schedule, that God would guide and help you each and every day. ❤️

Love this video. Your point is well taken that we may put too much on romantic love because our understanding of friendship is so shriveled. And any expression of intense feeling for another person is suspected of being sexual-- what an impoverished view! It's eye-opening to hear the perspective of another century.

This is a profoundly beautiful view of friendship, and I am so grateful you are highlighting it. I long to have that kind of relationship ("Frodo and Sam," as I call it), but it's rare and difficult for all the reasons you mentioned. Hopefully the Church can reclaim this someday.

Absolutely fascinating and enriching. How we need to recover this rich, godly and biblical paradigm of friendship!

Fascinating. Thanks, Gavin. Found something similar in Richard Godbeers book “the overflowing of friendship,” on typical male friendship in the founding era of America. I think Godbeer said students in his classes drop their jaws as they hear the letters. Thanks for the implications for friendship today. So great

It seems like the nature of Christian friendship should offer a depth beyond what the world can know. Of course, secular friendships can range in intensity from simply drinking buddies to actually going through combat together. But an eternal bond in Christ should hold a greater potential I think. Perhaps our churches should work harder to foster such friendships.

R. W. Southern is classic, but Thomas Williams' translations and biographies of St. Anselm are arguably the go-tos now. By the way, Williams' translation of Augustine's Confessions is stellar. For one thing, it's more philosophically astute than all other English translations I'm aware of (e.g. Boulding, Chadwick, Pine-Coffin, Ruden, Sheed).

Thanks for the insightful video, Dr. Ortlund. Regarding your busy schedule I encourage you not to feel pressure to put out videos. We all enjoy them but obviously your priorities are your relationship to God and your family. Plus having five kids is a huge responsibility. I'm thankful for whatever you are able to do in regards to these video teachings. Blessings.

This is one of my favorite videos you’ve made. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately-how we’ve lost deep friendships. For one thing we don’t know how to form deep, self-giving relationships anymore, and secondly we’ve over-sexualized every relationship so that if you do have a deep friendship with someone, in the intimate way Anselm knew, to the public’s eyes it’s assumed to be either (a) inappropriate/weird or (b) necessarily some sort of sexual relationship (especially since there are no gender boundaries about that anymore). This video shined so much glorious light into the beauty of friendship and made me so much more excited for fellowship in the here and now, and SO much more excited for the communion of Heaven!!!😄 Just one more thing; accidentally partially defended the concept of praying to saints at 15:35 ? 😅

It was a pleasure to meet you and hear you speak at Palm Beach Atlantic University.

Hi Dr. Ortlund, just wanted to thank you for this great video. Sounds like I need to read Anselm, and lots of him. Since I moved off to college this fall, it's been really interesting just seeing first-hand how true this observation is - I've always felt like people should value friendship higher than they do, and this is in some regards comforting to know that those feelings are not misplaced. Really love the content as always.

Something that's very relevant, that you didn't mention in this video (because most people don't know this): Medieval peasants had much, much more time off. They would work in the fields during daylight hours a few days a week, but when the work was done foe the the week, they had time to spend on other things. Harvest and planting seasons took more time, but during the summer and winter months there were days where the crops didn't need much tending. Nowadays, we're lucky to get by on 40 hours a week and two or three weeks off in a year.

What a timely video; I just recently led a seminar on Jerome's view of spiritual friendship here at Regent College, Canada. Jerome's correspondences with Augustine reveal almost identical quotes to those brought to light in this video (especially with respect to this perichoresis via friendship idea). Thoroughly enjoyed this video, thank you. - Devon

I wonder why friendship has declined so, and loneliness is so pervasive. Have we forgotten how to build friendship? Have we not seen it modeled enough? Have we been too fearful of embarrassment or conflict? Have we become too focused on ourselves and not loved each other enough? Even when I see friendship pursued it comes at a struggle.

Great video as always. I hope you rest well after all this!

Ps. Gavin, thanks for sharing this. This is really helpful for me personally. May God bless you with His abundant love and friendship.

Gavin, have you read Sam Storms on Jonathan Edwards' view of heaven? He goes from one superlative to another. What an anointed imagination! I think you would enjoy it.

Wow, Gavin, so very insightful and encouraging!!

Thank you for this brother, this is extremely relevant for me as I've always had a too high regard for friendship. Not to boast but I've done ridiculous things for friends in need, to the point that I've been criticised for this several times. Some of those things the beneficiaries never got to know about, but it's ok as I did those things because coverning needs and random acts of kindness make me happy. However, when I moved to the UK I gave up on this attitude for the most part, because it was frowned upon (probably a response to awkwardness) and I've been living for ages as if I had given up on something important up until today. Thanks for the books recommendations and the video. It was just great. Always praying for you and your family. PS: I think Basil could have learned one or two thing from Anselm on friendship 😆

Thank you for this video pastor! I long for true and lasting friendships and I hope I can find them soon. It’s a happy thought that this level of friendship can be attained.

Great work, Sir Gavin! This is one of the most helpful and insightful discussions I've watched in a long time. When I saw the title, I wondered how interesting it could possibly be, but I am blown away. It makes me sad that we are missing out on so much, but it also makes me hopeful because we are missing out on so much. There is far more depth to friendships than we understand today, and we are greatly deprived because of this massive blind spot. I had never considered any of this! It explains a lot of our modern inability to connect deeply with each other as well as our (over)emphasis on romantic love, even in a biblically sound context such as marriage. Thank you for your hard work and willingness to share it with us; for his glory, our joy, and for the edification of the saints!

It reminds me of the Elgar composition, Nimrod.

This is really deep, and somewhat confusing, I don't think most people can obtain this type of relationship, and the spouses would never understand.

This is such a cool video for me. I grew up very much influenced by Biblical old world culture and not so much the modern culture around me. A lot of my semi-autistic floundering and figuring out of social norms becomes very clear when viewed through the lens of what you're highlighting in Anselm's writings. So much that I would grant as given is given conditions by modern society, while so many expectations I wouldn't dream of are taken for granted by it. And yes I always rolled my eyes at people retrofitting homosexuality onto male bonds as if it isn't normal and healthy in all but the last few western centuries. Nowadays everything is sexualised and friendship and cultural archetypes are possibly the most damaging.

Gelati Monastery! Love that traditional Georgian architecture.

I'll be at ETS, hopefully I can meet you in person. 😁

Wow. Is there a modern book written on this subject, particularly with this level of theological and historical rigor?

Yes, moderns have lost an understanding of the great importance of of having same-sex friendships. The sexual revolution also impacted beyond just hedonistic singles - it also impacted married Christians by making many thinking their marriage and sexual relationship was ALL they needed - as friendships, while desirable, seemed to many not nearly as important, wrongly perceiving that their needs as a human being can all sufficiently be met through their marriage. Of course, married Christians still placed (and place) and great value on friendships. But modern society, the internet and propensity of many to isolate and spend so much time alone, online, email, voicemail, texting - all of these things mean people no longer HAVE to interact directly and in-person with even their friends. But these technological tools have greatly isolated millions - to the point that many now feel uncomfortable calling someone as opposed to texting them - and this happens even with friends and family. Sometimes, we fear making an actual phone call may actually be perceived as intrusive. And we now live further apart - with many families, even in the same city, rarely seeing each other in-person. One thing about why Christian (and other) monks likely put such a high importance upon same-sex friendships, is that, in their world, other males were all they were surrounded by - and as they weren't married or in fellowship with a wife, those male friendships were exceptionally important. God made humans to be relational and to need fellowship - first with Him, then with others. So, friendships are a natural outcome of that. And SAME-sex friendships - well, both women and men typically self-identify more naturally with others of their own gender - deepening the bonds as they glean insights from others walking such similar, gender-influenced paths. I'm always encouraging my wife to make female friends - as I know how important they are for her to have. One heartbreaking thing I've seen, over and over, is when a friend's spouse tries to isolate him from having close friendships - which keeps them from being allowed to have them. Which is so very sad and harmful.

Thank you so much for discussing this. How can we recover friendship love in our lives?

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A wonderful video! I have a practical question: I teach high school students and I am looking for your recommendation for the most accessible translation of the Proslogion. Any suggestions?

When your soul yearns for something it is because you have it not, yet the soul that is full of the Holy Spirit yearns for nothing, where your treasure is there your heart will be also, when you have your heart on what is perishable when it perishes so does your heart, you must have your hearts United with the kingdom not united with each other, to have your heart United to man is human, to have your heart United to God is divine.

Hi brother, I have a question. Anselm had that kind of expression for just one friend or for others too?

But if someone's spouse had a friend like this, it would cause so many problems. I don't think we should look for these type of relationships in the modern times.

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Have you looked at the Book by George T. Montague, Christian Initiation and Baptism in the Holy Spirit: Evidence from the First Eight Centuries. Rev. Henry Verrier

WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS GAVIN IM ALONE IN NAPLES FL?

Catholic faith, civilization, and culture are what have been lost.

Protestantism leads eventually to everything become subjective to their own fallen understanding of scripture. Only one step away from saying if I can choose what the scripture says; why follow it at all. I will make my own church or no church.

I'm sorry, but this sounds too much like a romance!!

My Beloved? I don't think you should have spoke on this. It really does sound gay