I don’t suppress my emotions I just don’t show them. I feel very much like an anxious in the body of an avoidant.

There's a lot of very decent pop psyc stuff around but Heidi is in a league of her own. The precision and level of detail is unmatched.

I 1000% relate to 15:40 of the anxious attachment style feeling like there is no way to stop emotional pain without co-regulating, the analogy being if you stubbed your toe it would just keep hurting at the same level of intensity until someone came along and fixed it. I feel the same with emotional pain, I can sit with emotional distress for days, weeks, sometimes even months, and if I don't have someone to co-regulate through it with, or if Im not able to "fix" it by solving the problem through actions, it just stays at the same level indefinitely. I've been trying to learn what self-regulation is, but I still don't get how to do it. I'm 32 years old and I only learned this year that some people can go away with their feelings and "process" them and come back more regulated. I just assumed that people were going away to co-regulate with someone else, or that I just feel emotions more deeply than others but that they still sit with feelings at the same intensity for ages, the intensity just being lower. All these resources online telling me that self-regulation is just taking a few deep breaths and removing myself from a situation until I've "processed." But what is this process? How does it work? What do I do to make it happen? I name the emotion, I feel it, I take some breaths, I tell myself that I'm safe. Then it just, stays... For ages. Until I talk to a friend or a therapist about it, and that sometimes helps. Your content has been such an incredible resource for my healing journey this year. I feel a deep amount of gratitude towards you, Heidi, for the resources you make.

The subtle subconscious reactions caregivers have to negative emotions in children who later become mildly avoidant people… it took awhile and a lot of therapy for me to realize my emotions and needs were unintentionally treated like a “burden” or “inconvenience” by my parents (esp my mom). And I totally internalized that! I always feel like I’m bugging people and my own negative emotions feel “inconvenient” rather than useful or productive.

Attachment is formed in childhood because we are born with an innate knowing that our survival, both physical and emotional, depends on our caregivers. Therefore, we "adapt to the love that is available to us". Meaning, we will adapt to the attachment style of the parent or caregiver we are closest to. If our parent is avoidant or anxious, which is essentially a model for our relationship to intimacy both with other and self, we will learn how to respond to that caregiver in a way that keeps them available to care for us and ensure our survival. However, in adapting to this caregivers emotional style, we take on many other personal traits that end up forming the foundation and development of our personality. That was a little wordy, but hopefully makes sense. Read how to raise a secure child if you want an accessible, but also detailed explanation of all this stuff!

You really have to feel bad if you get caught up in a relationship with an avoidant (and realize it after). They didn't choose to be that way, and they didn't even consciously do anything to reject you. It's not your fault, but sadly, we cannot fix people who don't even realize they have a problem in the first place.

My father died when my mother was pregnant with me. My mother said that when he died she cried for months and I'm sure she was not coping well when I was born. She moved back into my grandma's house and was raised by my grandma mostly while my mom worked. I'm sure this had a profound effect on me as I've had attachment issues my whole life with very strong emotions especially sadness. My mother became verbally and physically abusive to myself, my sister and my step sisters when she remarried when I was 4. I am now at 50, after an abusive marriage, discovering that I need to do so much healing work.

Oblivious Attachment! Wow!! That's actually what it was for me. I was just living my life in my own domain, completely oblivious to my own pain and to the pain of others. Now the blinders have been lifted and I'm no longer oblivious but now I need to resensitize my emotional pain receptors and accept the fact emotional pain is okay because it's a sign something is wrong. Thanks for pointing this out!

I really enjoy listening to you. You have a way of describing this topic that resonates and provides a deeper understanding of why I behave the way I do. I laughed when you revealed the "new names" for the attachment styles; Oblivious (Avoidant) & Obsessive (Anxious). It does describes them better, in my opinion. 😉

My ex was an Oblivious trait, I struggled to cope with her coldness, gosting, over sensitivity to anything and she constantly said she can never change her ways. I stayed with her for 4 years because I loved her so much but time came when I couldn't cope anymore. My ex's avoidant behaviour started very early in her life after losing her dad very young and by age 13 she began to be independent and survived almost on her own. She's a person who can't express love emotions. At somepoint she brought shirts from the store but asked me to pay for them instead of giving them to me as gift. One time I gave a nice necklace to say sorry for something bad I had done, she took it, but I did not she her wear it at all. When she got infected with COVID-19 she chose not to tell about and stayed back alone at apartment.

I am anxious avoidant in a relationship with a extremely avoidant man for 5 years. I have been in a lot of pain the last few years - these videos are helping me so much. Understand myself & hopefully heal - can’t afford a therapist but doing ACA now. Thx u - u r brilliant

You'd make a really good professor. You're extraordinarily good at this.

Its also important to note that neither attachment style is the equivalent of being broken or defective. Your attachment style is the natural adjustment or compensation to protect you emotionally as an infant. You should probably thank your attachment style for saving your life as a child. Because your caregivers placed you on the path of emotional harm. The problem is that these protection strategies no longer serve us as adults. But, our bodies and brains lack a natural mechanism to discard the attachment style. So, as adults, we need to take responsibility for doing that for ourselves - so we can have healthy relationships that enable our emotional growth as healthy adults.

At 11:25 I realized why my dad used to get so angry and shut down emotions immediately. This unearthed a lot of memories of him yelling, and I'm realizing why I have feared him so much. Finding this channel has truly helped me discover what I've felt my entire life but could never put into words or understand, especially with toxic shame. Thank you so much!

I just want to thank you. Your videos have helped me so much. As an avoidant who bypasses her emotions by excessive and exhaustive learning…. I have watched literally dozens of videos on attachment and yours stand out in so many positive ways. It’s very clear you are a natural at this and I truly appreciate you!

Really like how you said it’s a spectrum! My aha moment was that I feel my attachment style is currently close to secure while still displaying some occasional behaviors that I would categorize as fearful avoidant. I alternate between what I was taught as a child (avoidant, tough, etc.) and occasionally anxious attachment when I have someone that I know is sensitive and wants to spend a lot of time with me, it’s like I mirror that.

"Double the work, but double the reward"! Nice little mind game to play on myself to see the silver lining :D I love looking at things from new perspectives! Thanks Heidi!

Please make more like this. You explain it better than anyone else I've seen.

So glad you are talking about attachment styles. Your clear explanations really help.

Please do another on managing Physical Pain between these personality types…My partner becomes extremely insensitive and angry when I communicate that I need some emotional support as a result of physical pain crescendo. I try to hide my chronic pain mostly, but sometimes I really need him to hold it and comfort me. In these times, he does the exact opposite. I kicked him out a few days ago. He promises to do better, but I don’t think he knows how, or can control himself at 67 yrs. of age. I am at a loss and don’t want to waste any more time with a partner who is not there for me when I need him most.

This look at Emotional Pain and its relationship to attachment styles is really fascinating and makes sense :D!

You are so wise and intelligent and knowledgeable.. I'm blown away....... Please, write a book!

The best video about attachment styles I've ever seen sooo far!

the nuance/refined different take you have in all your videos is so appreciated + helpful. 💜

Always love seeing your video Heidi!

Your content has helped me understand myself and the relationships I have with friends, family and my s.o. so much!! Thank you 🙏🏽 You are the absolute best out here

Love you Heidi. U haven’t posted in months, and yet I’m just now finding you a week ago. You’ve already made me have massive actualizations. I also just did my first therapy session today. Pretty much everything I’ve learned in the past week of binging your videos and the past month, were a part of todays sessions talk. Thank you for making the push to post KZfaq videos. Your way of articulating these nuances is literally life saving. U mentioned how my type can feel misunderstood and not seen. To where when we find someone that does, we latch on for dear life. Well your channel is allowing me to not put that all on any one person right now. Life saving. Feels really good. Thank you so much

This is the best explanation so far! Thank you.

Wow! Your channel is a true goldmine of valuable information!!

thank you for this important video. now I know why I feel the way I feel and crave attention the way I do. i realize I have a lot of work to do to restore a healthy attachment style

maybe even that an angry reaction from a more avoidant attached person not only comes out of jealousy of the other person able to show their emotion, but also part is that they learnt anger to be a fitting reaction to negative emotions.. 🤔

Ou man, i was all my life so confused und now im realize that im the fearful-avoidant style. So thanks to you for this valuable information🙏

Thank you so much for these videos. You have helped me so much with learning how to figure out why I react the way I do and you give practical advice on what I/we can do to help ourselves grow. 🙏

I appreciate this video. It felt like you were sitting down talking directly to my inner child. Very soothing and validating for us to hear.

This was hugely beneficial for me. Especially understanding more clearly how my early childhood experiences (0-3y) laid the foundation for my attachment style, and how healthy modeling (among other things) were tools i was not given but have had to make myself over time. This series you've done on attachment styles has been wonderful for those of us who consider ourselves "disorganized" in our attachment. Your ability to reflect the frameworks of both styles in a back-and-forth way, was just really easy to digest, and helped connect a lot of dots. like why i never take anything for my headaches. Thanks!

These are great information resources, you deserve more views. Thanks.

This is very insightful. Thank you!

16:58 Heidi speaks to the core issue of the Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style- She says it’s an Obsession with the relief of pain. I am not good at relationships. That makes me assume I would be insecurely attached. As I study about the attachment styles, I am pretty sure that I’m not Avoidant. I can relate to some of the Preoccupied traits but not their distress strategies. I have issues that muddy the waters- introversion, anxiety, depression, and sensory issues.

the aha moment was the beginning plus when u came to my style - anxious attachment, because few months ago i had watched your videos and discovered that i am not doing well in any sort of relationships because i have an anxious attachment style instead of secure one and also that most people i might be attracted to are avoidant for evident reasons but then i started dwelling upon the word "avoid" in avoidant and wondered if am an avoidant one and kept watching more videos uploaded by you or other youtubers but it got me even more confused but now am sure that this is my attachment style. hope i can heal from it soon and reach the secure attachment style asap. lots of love heidi

My life coach said I had a fearful avoidant style and listening to this video confirms it even more! Double the work it looks like for me lol

Oblivious attachment, that's hilarious! and spot on.

Thank you! This was a helpful description of the avoidant and the anxious attachment styles, a little bit different than what I've run across so far. That the avoidant-attachment-style person is oblivious to it is a good point: ie, it's not that person's conscious decision to be mean. Thanks.

Heidi is the GOAT!

You are so gifted

Quite informative. Thank you for discussing this topic. :)

So helpful! Thank you Heidi

Thank You for helping us to learn.❤

Oh my dayyysss it’s definitely OBSSESIVE ATTACHMENT FOR ME !!!

I am multiple of these. Time to start navigating this

I think like a lot of people, I'm thinking, "Which one am I? Which one am I?" Your explanations and re-naming are super helpful.

I totally agree! Good points!

Really good content in every video! I absolutely love how there is always an ”… But” lingering around the corner! Found myself being a bit dissapointed in this one ”…. However” 😊 Keep up the good work!

I'm either AP or FA but leaning anxious. I really relate to the fawn response.

Just a video on "How to process emotional pain" would be useful.

Fearful Avoidant - whew. Thanks for that.

This is an excellent presentation, I learned so much. The Avoidant and Anxious Attachment styles are me (anxious) and my wife (avoidant) and it’s made for challenging moments over the years as I wallow in self pity and my wife goes gardening….not the best but a likely outcome.

The song Stay by Post Malone is about a DA/Anxious Attachment relationship… Beautiful.

I don't care what anyone says, as an anxiously attached person I would KILL to not feel the intensity and depth of constant emotional pain, the same way avoidants do. I understand that both types need to work towards becoming secure BUT with that being said, even if avoidants are emotionally stunned and don't recognize the entire spectrum of emotions they could feel, it's still ABSOLUTELY better than not being able to fix your own "broken leg" unless you have someone around. Cause the fact is, you don't always have someone around. In that instance, I'd rather feel no pain at all than the deafening hurt, hopelessness and loneliness that I am simply just unable to soothe by myself. I'd say this is something I would not wish to my worst enemy. So yeah, I wouldn't say that all 3 insecure attachment styles are created equal. I've noticed that I am likely to abuse substances that numb me, just so I could "not feel". Like, for example something to "calm my nerves", but in reality it stops my thinking process altogether because it's all just too much. It's exhausting. I would attempt to sleep longer, engage in dangerous activities that give me an adrenaline rush, shop excessively just to feel good about something, even if just for a moment, take illegal substances, try to "replace" the people who leave my life by meeting new ones (not necessarily healthy ones), etc. Feeling is seriously overrated. I wonder how serene and peaceful it must be in the avoidantly attached person's head. It's like utopia to me. I want it so bad!

My mother is anxiously attached to my dad and would interpret his job, their kids and anything that held his attention as a threat to her. Time spent with other family was time taken from her, money spent on bills or hobbies was money not given to her. I don’t think she ever got used to prioritizing us kids because she would complain about it and still does to this day. “I didn’t have a happy childhood and I turned out fine, you kids don’t deserve one either!” Is what she’d say, screaming and hitting us any time we expressed a need for anything 🙃 I’m now an avoidant person and idk how to stop it

Oblivious and obsessive - those new names really nail it!!!

15:48 I'm dismissive avoidant, but this is making me have renewed empathy for anxiously avoidant people. That sounds like a *nightmare.*

I think the categories of attachment style descriptions seem to treat childhood experience as dynamics of a single moment in time instead of a process occuring over time. Insecurity seems to result from a lack of attunement to a child's evolving needs at the various levels of development moving from dependence towards independence.

No, I'm anxious attachment, and my parents did not even inconsistently respond to my emotions, they completely never soothed them. I think its more a personality that you are born with... i was just quieter than my brother (avoidant attachment) and learned to pretend I was okay and didn't have emotions better than him. He was more disruptive and actually used to beat me up all the time, i was terrified of him. Now hes more mellow as a grown avoidant.

Great job

❤ moments I identify with and learned from 13:36 this contrast of secure families to insecure 🙁 my family was not abusive but there was not a modeling by parents of working through unpleasant emotions. Also, 15:48 excellent metaphor for ceregulation

Thank u for your content. My bf and I had very similar experiences as kids but developed different strategies of coping with that. Those coping skills are also heavily dependant on the culture in which u live in, so i wouldn't say, things always develop like you described. Honestly I think we all have the same wound and we have different approaches dealing with it. Also, as a bit of an anxious i have an issue with your naming, because ppl need ppl to coregulate, who needs who and how much is appropriate to need someone is deeply individual and there is no outside referenical point on which u can judge that appropriatness for all humans and all situations. So what seems to you as obsessive, someone else would judge that as a normal human basic need that went unmet for a long time. What you judge as oblivious, someone else would judge as normal freeze response. We all come from our own personal experience, and that judginess is the root of that mf AA trap.

This makes so much sense. As an anxious attachment person, it explains why I need to carry certain foods or things with me in case certain things come up. It's why I hold on to stuff (to protect me & keep me safe because I need the outside stuff to do that for me because I can't do that for myself). It's also why I like to be in control because I can't trust outside sources sometimes. So it's a double edged sword. I am at a place in my life, at 53, that I really want to heal this and let go, and trust, and become a securely attached person. How can I do this as a single person? It's been a super struggle for me, being single, because I know I could do it if I had support, love, & encouragement from a partner. That would make me feel safe and supported enough to conquer the world. But doing this alone is so hard, scary, painful, etc. Can I do this on my own? How do I move from anxious attachment to secure attachment on my own?

Hey Heidi, I love your content. You are a hero. I do have a suggestion or or point of criqitue, and im curious about your take on this. As a uni student I am used to long lectures and texts. Still I notice your videos sometimes discourage me, because everything you say is so helpful, but it is a lot and it sometimes takes a lot of side ways. Maybe its just my Gen Z brain, but I think people who are not as intelligent as you, or struggle with language/concentration, might not benefit as much as they could from your amazing content. For example. Your are about to give an example of the dismissive avoidant. You take a sideway of explaining how you think the name is not really fitting anymore. This is super interesting, and I understand why you want to talk about it from your perspective. But from the perspective of the listener, the why behind taking this side way doesnt really become clear. It can be sometimes hard to stay tuned during the full 30 minutes, since its mostly just you speaking without visual editing cues e.g. There is nothing wrong with that, it obvously helps a lot of people. Just wanted to share my perspective :) Thank you so much

Yes! It's all about emotional regulation 👏👌

Your vids are really great, thank you. I really like the way you attach no shame to any styles and break it down to simple communication and understanding

My two cents on what those attachment styles should be called is exactly what they are at face value: independent and dependent attachment. Also, some of my own experience with (what I think is) fearful-avoidant, at least in end result. I feel mostly like an anxiously attached person who relies on others for soothing emotional pain, but I lead an incredibly reclusive and introverted life so I don't have any of those people around. But instead of learning to self-soothe, I've learned to dismiss those negative feelings.

This was good. As a DA/OA I always wondered why people were so dramatic about things going wrong in their lives. Also, I liked how you talked about DA/OAs being SOLUTION oriented. I've always been solution oriented when it comes to my issues and never understood why others didn't do the same. For example, when I got screwed over by companies I worked for (hours cut, promotions passed up, etc), I started my own company. In the flip side, friends and family would go through the same things and complain whilst continuing to work for the company. Anyway, great video!

The way she described the “learning to express negative emotion as not useful and so resorting to a tough exterior” happens to men all the time because women’s empathy isn’t for men it’s for kids on average as attraction triggers often conflict with the empathy men need. Cuz then you also got the women who came out of some sort of level of chaos, who dosent trust the world, so she seeks out “the psychopath that loves me” because she then at least trusts he will go cut the head off the dragon 🐉 if needed more than the world. So as a result there are all these pressures and influences conditioning men to be more avoidant as a result. The issue then too is that the anxious women running around projecting her emotions onto her son without reciprocity then creates an intergenerational cycle where the women then passes the avoidance onto the son because she or the partner couldn’t figure their stuff out

You are great

yeah im mixed of both. thanks

I love the way you say “red flag”

thank you

Whats interesting about the comments here is the amount of blaming that is going on between Anxious and Avoidant styles in the context of relationship. Nobody chooses their attachment style - until they choose to change it as an adult. And nobody can “fix” anyone else. We can only “fix ourselves.” It’s ironic that Fearful - avoidant and anxious types are strongly attracted to one another subconsciously. For the anxious, the avoidant offers the hope of emotional regulation. And for the avoidant, the anxious partner loves the openness and directness of the anxious partner. The two are strongly attracted to one another because of this. And both suffer in relationship because of this inter-dependent dynamic. The suffering is unintentional for both people. Blaming has zero value in this dilema. Examine yourself and your own attachment style. And note that securely attached partners experience both anxious and avoidant with far less intensity than anxious and avoidant experience one another. Both people have responsibility in relationship. Thats just a fact.

I wonder if there's been any studies to show that infants who suffered from painful health issues mostly developed the anxious attachment? I had colic and my mom said I'd cry nonstop, even throughout the night on most nights. And I'm sure that affected her response to me at different times based on her mood or emotions.

MISSING THE MECHANISM THAT MADE PAIN STOP. That is me. If I’m in a argument with my boyfriend I need to find someone to talk to as soon as possible otherwise I feel broken

9:59 value of sensitiving to emotional pain

*"God is a concept by which we measure our pain."* John Lennon An assessment of attachment in the meta sense... also Lennon's statement of belief... in himself ~ & partner/wife, Yoko Ono... considered by some to be an (anxious) obsession ~ or "oblivious" (?)

I loooooveee you! Your the friend you always wished you had to talk to and get good advice. Your a dream come true thank you sister 💕🎉

Was the video around the value of sensitizing to emotional pain created? Can you provide that link?

this explain a lot. my NPD family no contact. how do i work on this issue? my last theripist dropped me . thanks God for KZfaq cpunsaling educational vidoes.

I can’t see any reason to not envy the dismissive avoidant. They are literally wired for pain relief. They may experience it, but not near the degree of other people. Seems pretty adaptive to me

Regarding the information you gave on the processing of emotional pain: Primary Psychopaths don’t feel any emotional pain. That is false information here, they do feel muted emotions but there is no suffering only frustration or being something like angry. As psychopathy does have a spectrum that can be more intensely or mildly presented but there is never emotional suffering of any sort. For who is interested, there are books about the topic by Kevin Dutton or the neuroscientist James Fallon who is a primary psychopath himself. Secondary psychopaths (sociopaths, anti-Social personality disorder)are different and do have a high degree of impulsivity and can be emotional/ have fleeting emotions in a way more similar to other „normal“ people.

I love your deep dives into attachment styles. In broad strokes, I'm an anxious married to an avoidant. Naturally, I want to have discussions about emotional issues, why he ended up this way, his early childhood. All that is met with ice. He clearly does not want to go there. Would I be wrong to broach this topic with him by sharing some of this video? You are giving me tremendous insight into how he thinks, and to all the wrong ways I've been trying to get closer. We are married 13 years, known each other for decades, and he's still a mystery to me.

Late to the party but as an avoidant when I see others expressing emotion it doesn't feel 'unfair' but unnecessary and I hate to say it but 'weak'.

I was raised not to show any emotion and if I did no one cared. Same for when I was going through my divorce. I was on my own. At the same time I had one grandmother who was nice to me but who would just up and leave continously she was an acholic. In relationships I bend over backwards to make them happy I feel anxious but I don't show emotion. What am I?

I pray someday all of this is common knowledge 🙏

My college GF used to say I have "holes" in my ego (vulnerabilities, weaknesses, blind spots?) and people can see them, I am unaware of them, and people will take advantage of them. Can you do one on something like that? Like, defending myself from society or being vulnerable yet impenetrable (?)

what is needed for these two types that shared alot of precious beautiful memories.. now rocky..as hell i anxious and now learning and seeing alot of our problems had not been for the real reasons we thought. she ? avoidant...made up her mind and took action based on incorrect info. i feel like if she knew shed do what people when they love someone. no she is extremely hard to reach...and my fear is we miss out on US ...JUST cas she had the facts wrong

❤

I'm really not sure whether I'm fearful or anxious... I have a hard time differentiating between actual insecurity with anxious attachment... is it really just your bad thoughts telling you these things because you're insecure? Or is that your actual attachment style since it's been wired from you as a kid... Maybe throughout time having an anxious attachment style leads you to have an avoidant attachment style because you confuse it as insecurity and think you're overreacting... idk I'm just confused.

Putting a couple sconces back there would make the place a little nicer, not that it isn't nice already ( I figure). Is the power off on that circuit?

Is it possible that attachment styles can instead form from trauma from relationships throughout life? I found I’ve become more anxiously attached after each relationship and they all seem to end terribly!

18:29❤

How can we support you outside of subscribing and sharing? Any patreon?

What if your childhood made you an avoidant and once your trying to heal yourself you become an anxious?