(Btw, we strongly identify with being an anxious- avoidant relationship- just can’t thank you enough for making information on attachment styles understandable and for providing practical strategies for doing the healing work)

Love it! I wish the best for you too 🧡 🤜🤛

Yes, congrats to you for hanging in there and trying to find solutions and answers. Hopefully you not only stay together but through a greater understanding of the dynamics taking place between the two of you, your marriage actually becomes better than ever! All the best!

That's incredible. Both of you must be great mature adults. Good luck on your journey.

That's awesome! Have you seen alongside Heidi the resources on PDS w Thais Gibson - really useful courses and live interactive events.

Me too, I think Jung should be mentioned in every video like this. He absolutely changed my life after dating an avoidant while I was very anxious. I find that he is not well known for his tour de force The Red Book, which to me should be considered among the great works. Possibly the greatest. Like if we had a book documenting our first conversations with aliens or something, that included a way for us to contact them ourselves. Only the aliens are archetypes inside of us, meaning that everything outside of us, is ours. I mean, what kind of self help book gives you the medicine like that??

Timestamp 21:10

@@leamubiu Great idea 👊

Great questions! U rock!

Thanks

Thank you...... I will do all of them.

But beware changing yourself in isolation and triggering more emotional termiol between you and your partner if they aren't ready for your change

Good luck 👍

I hope your husband is doing the same for himself as well.

This is a great point! You nailed it. I have to be my own Prince(ss) Charming

I pray that your marriage becomes better than ever before!

100% agree! 🙌

As an update, no matter how good this video is it doesn't make any difference if your partner just flat out refuses to even entertain the idea of watching the video let alone practicing what she suggests.

Yes, yes, yes!!! All of this! This is the video I chose to show my boyfriend to get us started on this journey together! (I am the avoidant and he is the anxious) and I have been able to map out where to start and where to go moving forward with this video alone! It is so hard to find fair stuff to work with because everyone else seems to believe avoidants are evil and the anxious is an angel wich is not helpful at all lol Thank you so much Heidi ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

​@JaradDeLorenzo This is why I gave my partner an ultimatum. He believes this kind of stuff is bullshit and I told him either we put real work in together or I'm out cause I can't live like this anymore and I w

@@JaradDeLorenzo Oof, very true. That's why I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either we do this work together and take it seriously or I'm out because I can't live like this anymore, its exhausting. It eventually reaches a breaking point where you just can't take it anymore and need to make a decision for yourself. Do I just accept this is the way it is and stay?? Is it worth it to do that?? I originally decided it was worth it and to just accept this is the way we are and that was because he wasn't willing to try any of this when I first presented it a year ago, but no matter how much I love him I just couldn't take it anymore and had to lay the choice out because what's the point if you are just miserable and stressed all the time?? Life is too short.

I have to say that as an anxious attached, I do not recognise this at all in my early years as toddler or whatever. Only from my teens the anxiety disorder started ruining relationships in this way of excessively needing assurance. ✌🏽

I don't see it in my early years, but my shadow is SO LOUD about how people ask for help. I wonder if it's before my conscious memory?

The crazy part was when I went off on my own and accomplished amazing things, like performing or becoming a very social kid or exploring my own style of writing or humor, my parents didn’t often notice it or credit it, because I didn’t bring these goals to them and do them the way they would have done them. My dad used to really sort of do a lot of my projects in school, until one day I was up late (he’d stay up late with me), and he didn’t get the weird writing I was trying. He just threw his hands up and stopped helping me after that. He never really acknowledged my success in school after that. For my mom, it was the same thing, if I didn’t do what she thought it meant I didn’t care if she died. I didn’t realize until I dated an avoidant, how much I needed the dialogue to be reassuring and for us to verbalize our emotions, so that I wasn’t afraid to go out on my own and be abandoned for doing so. Really all I wanted was to feel safe acting as free as the avoidant without losing everyone in the process. I guess the thing that’s badass about avoidants, is they often do lose everyone, and they go their own way anyway. I’ve learned to absolutely love my shadow because of this new lens. Thanks Carl Jung, we’ll said Heidi

Yall mines well breakup trust from experience it's never works out with an avoidant. Their the least compatible with a anxious person

How did you "accidentally" hurt each other?

@@sloanmagnum5009 our natural instincts kicking in and hurting the other person without realising. He loves his personal space and can ignore me for days without realising which drives me crazy. But I’m very affectionate I like giving lots of kisses and cuddles so I think I’m being nice and giving him what he wants…but it makes him want to pull away. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. We’ve had several talks about this. We inevitably decide the best thing first us is to just be friends….but we met up recently for a concert and….we’re definitely not JUST friends!! This keeps happening over and over. We pull away to protect ourselves, miss each other like crazy then come back and it’s amazing, but I’m always left wanting more than he can give.

@@sloanmagnum5009 both want intimacy, one seeks reassurance that the partner won't be abandoned and the other pulls away from being triggered by being overwhelmed with emotions cos it's too much so they shut down and distance n push you away

I saw this literally 5 days too late.😢 I understand the end of my spiraling 25 yr love storey now. We both loved each other soo much but couldn't find the problem. Always blaming each other. I've been blocked from all contact so can't share this with the other to hopefully bring closure for them also could've given a quicker recovery. Because I truly care for and hope they find happiness,peace and not feel at all to blame from a problem neither of us where at fault.Sad😢 Thank you for your advice Truly grateful for this Thank you Thank you

Damn. Ballin. Spare some change?

I agree. I think Heidi’s videos require a deep context that can only be acquired by watching other sources, YT channels, reading some authors, etc, but when you are there you notice that her content takes that knowledge and goes way deeper into actual causes and methods of internal self revelation. Outstanding.

​@@cameronvadnais4388 😅

Thank you for gifting her, I would love to as well

Emotionally unavailable is the kiss of death in relationship

At least he told you how he feels directly like a secure person does. An Avoidant Narcissist will literally break up with you and tell you that they love you in order to keep you attached to them just in case they want to come back around later. Obviously that only works on someone with an Anxious Attachment Style but those are the people they seek out.

Sounds like you had an avoidant that discarded you and quickly moved on in order NOT not to do the inner work he needs to be a healthy partner. Onto ruining another nice unsuspecting person..😂😂😂

Be happy he is out of your life and the pain of living with this emotionally unavailable is not continuing. He won't change he is using the emotions to hook this other woman but when he has her he will revert to type . Now you know this type of man exists never stay when they become emotionally unavailable value who you are you wouldn't be anxious if he wasn't so unavailable. There are norms what to expect in a relationship if they aren't there leave❤. All the best 🎉

This is truly key. Healing makes you see the mutual hurt symptomatic of deep incompatibility

Yes, the reasons they were attracted in the first place are no longer there.😊

@@NatalyG73 Of course there is. I was mentioning couples that actually healed, but didn’t end up together. However, the majority does…

@@lucaslouzada44 oh okay. maybe I just misread your comment. But it does makes sense with what Heidi says in the video too…I think if however they did start of as friends with a more secure attachment and then the situation turning romantic triggers both of their insecure attachment styles or if they started off getting to know each other in a more steady way, I think this type of divorce after healing may be less likely to happen as the people would’ve been able to properly asses compatibility first and ACTUALLY like each other/be more compatible. What do you think? you seem knowledgeable about this topic…

@@NatalyG73 There’s a lot of nuance to it. Compatibility is far from a key-and-lock type of thing, and fearful avoidants v. g. normally feel incompatible in their own individuality - i. e. in their relationship with themselves. People try to see it in such a simple way not only because of its romantic appeal, but because it’s easier to pretend there’s no effort involved. Compatiblity between persons is a rather variable range, equilibrium in any relationship is often dynamic and maintaining it demands hard work sometimes - even when it comes to securely attached people entirely positive about what they want. When both people in the couple heal - meaning individually - the restoration of the relationship involves rebuilding it upon an individual awareness concerning an authenticity that requires boundaries. Most times the newly found and self-conscious identities, where both people commit to a stable set of values and parameters, can rebuild upon past experiences together - it may take a lot of work, but it’s nonetheless feasible. Sometimes, though, healing changes the meaning of a couple’s prior life so completely that it seems as if every new design of such relationship hits a personal boundary or lacks that natural reciprocity no matter how much you try to adjust it. In fact, it takes time and patience to figure those nuances out, but personal healing is the most important part of the process in any case.

Completely agree! This young woman is a treasure!

Exactly! I told my mom to not miss a single video of her about anxiety, not judge by her apparent age... it just seems some people age wisely sooner and are really good at putting the inner details into words!

damn bruh i get this shit too

Yeah, that disgust feeling I felt when my dominant ex acted vulnerable one night has always been a mystery, and I also felt shame for feeling disgust. This video is so difficult for me to watch because it is so spot on. I had anxious attachment from early childhood neglect (last of 6 kids, family dysfunctional). I have been alone for 9 years processing all this information that Heidi just sums up so brilliantly and then brings it to another level. I just discovered this channel 2 weeks ago and it is the best source of healing from attachment issues I have ever encountered.

Do you mind me asking for an example of the disgust you felt? I guess I find myself attracted more stereotypical “feminine” traits in a man such as compassion, sensitivity, and less manly traits. I think I need an example because I’m a bit lost lol. Unless maybe it will awaken some part of me that feels the need to be protected in a “manly” man’s arms where I am the wounded one. Who knows!

Chiming in here, I’m curious how you figure that compassion/ empathy is not protective? I could see how it seems less traditionally masculine because men are often conditioned to be avoidant and emotionally ignorant

I know I'm a different person but I've also had a dominant ex who acted vulnerable in a way that led me to feel disgust. They were feeling triggered because I wanted to leave and get space from them instead of having sex. They voiced their discomfort by crying and their open palms. Grasping for me motioning me to hug them or something and I felt just utter disgust the feeling almost turned to anger but I just told them I had to go. I felt very blank-faced not like my normal self at they reacted To rejection by crying or wretching like as if they were sick from me leaving, they had such big spouts of anxiety It led to them feeling sick/sad and me feeling disgusted.​@@MT-zm1yb

Wow sounds like such a waste of a life. Never being attached to anyone on a deep level. Fear of pain prevents real love from even occurring.

Wow that really frightens me that there was never any love but just being used because of availability

@@desertdog8006 She is vulnerable in her words, and let us work on not shaming her because she wasn't aware of her issues until just now.

@@smokingcrab2290 it's a painful lonely existence and it comes from either having been manipulated so badly by a narc, or other trauma from severe mistreatment

@@mariknutson7307 thank you. You are right. I'm still at the back end of one of these and it hurts knowing you were never loved by them but utilised and one sided. It's no excuse but an explanation of my ignorant comment. Thx again

This comment strikes me as such a raw and honest look into what healing these dynamics actually looks like. I appreciate you for sharing it and am cheering on your progress 🙏💛

I relate hard to your comment. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you have any tips on “making peace with the times those knocks weren’t answered”? 5 years of unanswered knocks have left their mark and while I’ve grown a lot during that time and don’t get triggered nearly as often as I used to, I still find myself stuck in (emotional) flashbacks in my less resourced moments. It’s frustrating, I feel I can be proud of my growth and achievements 90% of the time and respond from a present and balanced place. But then my nervous system recognizes something and a flashback hits and the accumulated pain of all those knocks hits me like a truck and I’m right back to reacting from that place of past pain. I know I need to process the pain I suppressed but the things I’ve been trying don’t seem effective. If you have any suggestions to share I’d be forever grateful! Wishing you peace, strength, and healing on your journey!

I too have the same situation

You just explained my situation 😢 Imagine after all 5 years he couldn't commit but now that I have done the work on myself and my AA I feel more secured and confident that I can live without him ..boom he is like babes I promise you this time everything is OK I can commit to our relationship,I will stop seeing other girls ....I am literally not in mood to play along anymore...not interested in his bullshit of a commitment when I needed it badly u couldn't commit then why now boo??something fishy going on with him🤔

Is it because showing emotion will be used as a weapon later?

@@chasingblue8952 yes. I grew up in a Hispanic household. When I cried in front of my father he would say “why are you crying, I will give you a reason to cry.” So I would immediately shut down. Also my parents constantly compare me to my older brother who was not good, he had a rough up bringing. I was constantly being told that I’m going to end up like him. There was a lot of angry arguments between my parents. I’m sure there’s much more to it.

Can I ask you a question? I am anxious, my husband is avoidant. I assumed it was the anxious partners doing the research and the avoidants following along, dragging their heels. But I seem to see a lot of avoidants commenting. Are avoidants equally determined, but just not as open about it? Or are the abounds commenting the anomaly?

@@infolater91 I’m very determine to change my behavior and patterns. I been like this my whole life. Growing up in a Hispanic household made me this way. I remember there would be moments I show vulnerability to my father, he would get upset for something I did (Gets angry very quickly). He would say to me “you want to cry, I will give you a reason to cry.” Also the constant fighting, name calling, telling me I’m going to end up like my dead beat brother. Hearing those words constantly broke me inside. I literally just shoved my emotions so deep I can’t even find them myself. It’s been difficult opening up, I realize if I want to change I’m willing to put in the work. I got myself into therapy and got a book about my attachment style. Your husband has to do it for himself, like i’am. I want to change for “me”, not for my wife, for me. I know it will make me really happy. If I keep my distance with my wife, I know for a fact I would do it to our children, I will not let them go through the same emotional trauma i went through. I want to break the cycle. I’m so tired of letting people down, constantly over and over. I feel a great shame at times. What your husband needs to do is allow himself to feel these emotions. He needs to allow the pain to come through, he’s going to mess up and that’s our biggest trigger. Messing things up and we just shut down. He shouldn’t do that, he needs to be soft with you. When he is soft wit you, you become soft as well. When I broke my wife heart, I wasn’t just breaking her, I was breaking my heart as well. I’m acknowledging my shadow, the good and the bad, I feel the bad seeping through the cracks in my relationship. Your husband knows this too, because I would ask myself after the fact “why did I say/do this?” Your husband has to accept the fact he is going to be wrong, sometimes, and needs to learn how to take the constructive criticism. It’s going to hurt a lot and he should allow himself to feel those feelings because if he doesn’t, he will never understand your feelings. Every one is different I just have the courage to admit I fuck up, I know I did, the road ahead is long, I’m willing to put in the work because I want to be in a happy living secure relationship. Also give him words of encouragement, my wife doesn’t say them to me much anymore and I know the answer to that. I eager to hear her words, her words give me so much strength. One thing he should do is not expect anything like a pat on the back or a at a boy. He should do things that would make him happy. He should listen to you more and he should remember small details about you. That’s where I would start. Everyone is different though. Hopefully he just accepts himself for who he is and put on his big boy pants on and face the music. It’s going to be difficult but he can do it, and if he truly loves you and cares about you. He would do it, even if it scares him to the core. I would suggest therapy too, I’m currently in it at the moment. I crave for That deep human connection. Never felt that. That’s my life goal to feel more and say more about how I truly feel about myself or something my partner said that upset me. Communication is key, because guessing people’s feelings is pure chaos and torture, and that’s what exactly I was doing to my beautiful wife. Almost pushed her away completely, never again. I’m willing to change, but someone people aren’t and you have to prepare yourself for that day to come too. I know I have. Sometimes things just don’t work out in our favor and that’s okay too. Just want her to be happy, even it isn’t with me, because I truly care and love her that much. Sorry for the long rant.

@@chasingblue8952 yes my previous relationships were like this, but not this one.

Are you confusing NPD with attachement styles? These are two very different things. An unhealthy attachement style doesn't signify narcissism. As a matter of fact, narcs do not form real attachements to people, they don't even see people as human beings, and are constantly operating a facade. When you see the glee that narcs experience after freely abusing/humiliating you, and how better they feel with your misery, then you'll know why they are called evil. I suggest not calling your ex a narc if you don't know what narcissism looks like.

@@namelessbrat7197 I have experienced pretty much everything a relationship with someone with NPD can offer (sleep deprivation, constant blame, daily gaslighting, switching victim and abuser, heavy manipulation, threats, physical and emotional abuse, double standards, financial dependency even when I was the only one working and so on). So I believe I'm quite qualified to call my ex a narcissist. I don't try to justify the pain they cause. I'm just saying they are Stiller human. To get supplies, a narcissist still needs to connect with people (even if it's in a twisted way) so I agree with Heidi that attachment styles also apply to them. They act sadisticly to feel power and no longer feel their own sense of shame and unworthyness. I got discarded when I started to work on myself and started to yearn for a more secure relationship so I can see how those two relate. If as a narcissist, you feel like you need to constantly manipulate and threaten someone for them to stay with you, you are the furthest away for being secure. Lastly, researches have been made about how NPD is formed and the most relevant factor (apart from personal choices) is the behaviour of their parents : Overcaring about achievements, undercaring about emotional ŵorld. If that's not childhood trauma, I don't know what is.

So did you get divorced or did you work things through?

@@srugel44 Unfortunately, she refused to acknowledge her responsability in our lack of emotional intimacy so we had to part ways and get divorced. I was willing to work things through but she insisted that I was the only one to blame for the failure of our relationship and that she didn't have anything to correct.

@@namelessbrat7197 I thought I had responded but I don't see my answer. I experienced the mistreatment and the glee you are talking about. I went through heavy manipulation, sleep deprivation, financial dependency even when I was the only one working, constant blaming and so on and so forth. I'm by no means excusing narcissistic behavior. What I'm saying is they make evil acts because of wrong choices and not because they are inherently evil. I know my ex wife childhood story and I know for facts she has attachment issues. The differences between me and her is that since being a teen I'm trying to own up to my mistakes and give back the guilt that doesn't belong to me while she internalized the shame and guilt and use bashing others to feel better. So I'm not saying she is a good person, I'm saying she is human and 100% responsible of how she turned out.

Exactly. Although I’ve been reading a lot and watching several videos about attachment styles, her videos somehow are the best imo.

I echoe all this appreciation for Heidi’s work. Back to watching more!

These are both very potent and super clearly articulated questions! 🙏 I’m pasting them all into a word doc to see what I can come up with in the way of future videos around these topics. Stay posted 😊

@@heidipriebe1 Amazing and very much appreciated. Even watching today’s video, I was thinking, if I’m going to attempt to integrate my shadow traits, and it’s going to potentially destabilize my closest relationships, I’d best be prepared for stronger self regulation in the wake of that change. Deep gratitude always!

Great questions! In the meantime you may find Deb Dana's work helpful. I have her book Anchored and that's all about regulation in the context of polyvagal theory. Easy and accessible.

I would really be interested in hearing Heidi's response to these questions! For me so far, telling whether I'm disregulated or regulated is difficult, but I always know that I am definitely disregulated when I begin thinking specific thoughts that are a pattern I can recognize (because I've thought them so many times before). If I have any thoughts like, "It's not safe to speak, no one cares what I have to say, there is no room for my voice", I know for sure I am disregulated. At that point, I make the decision not to give into that story and I try to create a new one that has more threads of reality in it. That's as far as I've gotten with identifying my own disregulation and re-regulating but it does work whenever I can catch it and go through the exercise before I respond/act.

So did you get the divorce or work things through?

@@srugel44 I got the divorce. What I was seeking from my husband was the love I wasn't giving to myself - and that didn't make a good basis for a healthy relationship.

Hello anxious sister! I need to know are you still on the up and up😂😂

@@janatomlin1296 I am 🥹 thank you for asking! And you?

How did you started healing?

Praise the Lord!!!

Don't beat yourself up. Chances are both of you were too burnt out to be in a place to fully sort it out. It takes a lot of time to heal as individuals and in marriages you're constantly being asked of. Not easy to catch a break. Life has a funny way of working things out, maybe you found this video right when you were ready to heal. There's no shame in that. It's clear that you did your best and cared a lot, otherwise it wouldn't still be so close to your heart. I hope you're being kind to yourself. You deserve love and to be happy too.

Can you reframe this perspective to who can you give your new knowledgeable self to? Does it have to be romantic? Can it be someone else?

@@janetholmes Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I will.

@@abzdudy1 You’re absolutely right, since my attachment wounds affected how I showed up in every other type of relationship in my life. I was always looking for whoever I had an emotional and relational connection with to take care of me in the end and make me feel as though I’m okay. The healing version of my self can be given to anyone now. I don’t have to give off the same energy of anxious attachment or codependency that I previously habitually did. Being more presently attuned and in the moment with anyone has been a mutually enriching experience. Giving that version of myself to anyone in any kind of relationship has been a new and amazing experience.

@@abzdudy1 Absolutely! You’re right. And I have been able to show up differently after much attachment wound healing to different kinds of relationships and social and relational situations. It’s great because I’m not forcing anything, and I’m starting to be the real me. I’m still healing certain wounded parts of me that I’ve pushed in my shadow. And what shows up after is a more honest version of myself that I don’t need to be ashamed of anymore.

He will see you more deeply and you will find out nothing to scared. And he will love you even cuz he will understand❤❤❤

the only way out is the only way in

I'm going through the same thing. Realizing how we were in an anxious/avoidant relationship. If I knew all this before maybe things would have been different but I'm not sure he would have tried to look into himself like I am right now. This video is so important because I also feel that just giving space to an avoidant wouldn't work. It has to be 2 people working on it. I gave space and we just grew apart. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I did that 7 days ago. Longest 7 days of my life. Wishing we could do the work to bring us together. It takes both working. Best wishes to get through the initial stages of aloneness.

That's the way I feel about my relationship with my father. People say avoidant-avoidant relationship doesn't work, but I don't agree. We support each other and are consistently there for each other without smothering. I'm kind of curious about the dynamics of your relationship (if you feel comfortable about sharing it). I don't want to "fix" him or the relationship. I just want to become a whole person and solve my problems. I'm kind of glad to know that someone has similar experience as me!

both members of an old couple I knew were avoidant, and the relationship "worked fine". i never saw them kissing each other, or hugging, or making funny jokes, and when he died several years ago I didn't see a single tear drop on her face, nor have i heard her saying she misses him whatsoever but... there was no conflict between them. i would never judge them, it is ok to have that kind of relationship if that is what you want. but i don't understand the purpose of that kind of relationships.

@@Bornie1977 What you are describing is an extreme form of avoidance or just two people who didn't care about love but wanted a relationship for practical reasons. A relationship between avoidants doesn't have to look like that, but be sure that others will never see or understand how special that connection is to them. Not everyone cares to parade their great big love all over the place. Keeping it private works just as well for those who don't desire external approval or validation, and don't feel like they have to prove their love to others to feel like it's real.

Full avoidance - just get a dog! Woohoo! 🎉

​@@falconlips5474/ lol

😂😂😂

My avoidant just got a dog who has become his world. Now I tell him I'd be treated better if I was the dog. Sad.

@@a.d.b535 To be fair there are a lot of people who feel more connected to and trust animals more than humans. I wouldn’t take it personally if someone I cared about and expressed affection towards a dog, it’s healing for them. You’ll push them further away with that insecurity. You could embrace the dog with your avoidant and do things together that involve the dog.

Does that make them whole?

@@bourbon_sketcher if only it was that simple...

@@petervanhoorn6199 So much then for 'opposites attract.....' :)