I love that you use terms like "we" and "us" maybe it's a typical therapist lingo but I find it extremely comforting especially when you're talking about issues and mental illnesses that effect me. It's less alienating.

I have bpd but for me the fear of abandonment is a little different. I don't really fear it as much as I just expect it. I don't see myself as anything special and so if a person shows interest and we connect I never let myself get to close to them because I know once they see me the full on me they will leave. I split. I leave first. That's how I protect myself. And people don't even notice me stepping out of their life. Which further validates the fact that I meant nothing to them in the first place. I'm guess my fear of abandonment turned into this because I got emotionally burned out. I know how It feels to care and have no one care back. So even if it's not true I just tell myself they don't care anyway. The less close I get the less I get hurt. And really I'm doing them a favor in the end. Cause no one should have to deal with me. I don't even like dealing with me.

I'm really bad at dealing with this, because I struggle to decipher between something that I should genuinely respond to and be upset by, or if it's just me over reacting and overthinking

*NOTES* If you feel overwhelmed, use: 1. The "IMPROVE" method I - imagine you're in a happy/soothing place (helps calm your nervous system) M - meaning (find purpose in your life, find a hobby, adopt a pet, volunteer, go back to school) P - prayer (not necessarily religious) use a mantra R - relaxation (hot bath, deep breathing) O - one thing in the moment V - vacation (take a walk around the block) E - encouragement (encourage yourself) 2. Emotional regulation a) What was the prompting event? (factual) b) What was my interpretation of the event? (emotional) c) What body sensation do I have? (sweating, heart racing, etc) d) What body language do I have? (hunched, arms crossed) e) What is my action urge? (scream, leave them first so they couldn't abandon me) f) What action did I take? g) What's the emotion name based on my answers?

Fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, trust issues; they all seem quite similar.

living with bpd & not being able to afford therapy in any way, shape or form...these videos really help. thank you

What if I constantly push away everybody because I am too afraid that they might abandon me?

I have a fear of abandonment so instead I'm the one who abandons people and I can't stop....

Bpd here, I know this all too well. I've become a recluse even though I crave that human contact. After all, they can't leave if I never establish that relationship.

I don't really blame people for feeling this way though. Rejection and loneliness hurt a lot. It's figuring out why we can't keep people that is helpful.

I isolate on a massive scale to avoid this. Do nothing except work or college. It's miserable. I'm really trying to get out of this pattern and work through the secondary gain

I have BPD and learning a lot about it lately because no matter what I do and what happens in my life it keeps coming into my life even though I have everything I have ever wanted. Luckily I have a relationship for 7yrs with a beautiful kid so I am a proof that everything is possible. Yet it's still hard

My father died when I was 7 years old and have been struggling with fear of being abandoned for years. Thanks for a fantastic video, as always.

These videos always feel like a hug for some reason 🤗

I had a friend who was like a sister to me,she had BPD, Bipolar, ODD and RAD etc. She manipulated me constantly and sort of abused me at times, she is still in my life and I still love her but with issues of my own I had to put some healthy boundaries. It is really good for me to see the reasons behind her actions, a lot easier to forgive.

My fear of abandonment isn't like this. My Pops was in the Navy until I was 8 years old. He was gone most of my early childhood. It's not bad, it's more like I sometimes don't feel worthy of people being around me. When I get like that, I tend to isolate myself. I don't want to be a burden on people, so I disappear myself. Thanks to depression that's what I do when I feel like that. I'm working with a therapist to get through grief (my Mom passed in December 2016) and fight my depression so I can feel better about myself. I guess what I'm saying is that abandonment issues aren't just felt by those with BPD. I'm not BPD, just depressed with a bit of anxiety.

Hi Kati could you make a video about depression vs lazy ness? I’ve always described myself as very lazy, like in school I would always create shortcuts and not apply any effort in my work. I believe that it’s due to my depression not just being lazy

I have a tendency to make every molehill a mountain and would often call my friends to help out because it was "a huge crisis" and they would get annoyed. I tip I found to be helpful is to take a breath (or if you can, do a smaller task for a bit), then after not thinking about the issue for a minute, actually assess what the issue actually is and what can you do about it. Sometimes it turned out to actually be a mountain, but a lot of times I was able to clear my head from panic enough to get through an issue without asking for constant support. Hope this helps! Thanks for the video Kati!

I got over my fear of abandonment when everyone really did abandon me and I found out the worst wasn’t that bad. When it comes down to it we can find out how strong one person can be. Your video essays are so helpful thank you. ✌️❤️🕉

Great video! There is still so much stigma against BPD, even in the mental health field, so it's great to see someone approach BPD with compassion and good therapeutic techniques instead of perpetuating the myth that BPD is not treatable.

Thanks for this. I have a new years resolution to make more friendly acquaintances. That fear of abandonment generally has me isolating myself, and in high school I'd find I got bored with people and there was no sense in developing a stronger connection because people aren't trustworthy anyway.

I love you so much i always used to think that I was crazy and was having these crazy feelings but you making these videos show me that there are others that have these feelings and that I'm not crazy so thankyou 💖

I find it really hard to trust people due to past childhood trauma, but when I let someone get close to me I seem to spend most of my time trying to be extra helpful or always be there for them because I am terrified that if I am no longer useful or they don't need me anymore they will leave me, Is this kind of the same? Great video as always Kati, Thank you. x

I've been struggling with this for years, and I'm so glad you've finally made a video on how we can help ourselves.

Feel that it is important to note that this fear of abandonment can present itself as social isolation as well. Some individuals, instead of even trying to have people around, go the further step and completely avoid society as much as they can out of fear of future real or imagined conflicts, possible chaos, or other results of interacting with the world. More common perhaps with male BPD, possibly quiet. Point being, there are atypical presentations within the diagnosis. As always, great video.

The older I've gotten the more of an "introvert" I've become! I've been having a feeling of wanting to be more social and imagining me out there living my best life with lots of friends and having a wonderful mate but in reality that's not me! I don't even have friends, I'm really a recluse, scared to get close to people, scared to love and question if i am really being loved in return, so I sabotage the relationship! I'm really mean when I don't want to be I guess to see if they would stay long enough to put up with me because I'm not really mean! It's a guard I guess! I will also go looking for reasons to prove to myself that they didn't want me in the first place and they were going to leave me anyway! So I am choosing now to not even get involved in any relationship anymore! I don't want to hurt anyone because I don't understand myself or to be hurt anymore! Yes, I've been called crazy, I've been physically and emotionally abused, my mother is textbook narcissist, my dad was absent in my raising! I don't feel a loving connection to either of them! They are both living and apart of my life but it seems forced! I can't relate to people who brag about how much they love their mother and father because I don't feel the same way! Smdh so many issues and I don't k ow where to start to deal with first! But I feel I struggle with abandonment issues and so I'm here.....

thank you so much kati!! I have bpd and I've been struggling a lot with this since my boyfriend is moving to another county; i am terrified of everyone in my life leaving me, my family, friends, boyfriend and especially my therapist, sometimes i feel like it consumes my life

I love the way you are trying to help each of us! Honestly I am crying each time you say Abandonment! I feel hopeless! But really your cheerful personality is definitely helping me. Thank you!

Story of my life. DBT has helped w/ other BPD symptoms, but this has been the worst for me. Cost me my marriage and multiple jobs (unfounded fear of getting fired = fear of abandonment = quitting or hospitalization). I'm terrified of new relationships and jobs bc I always ruin things. Thx for this video.

I have so many problems with emotional regulation and distress tolerance. I am in a constant cycle of losing people because of my volatility and constant terror of being abandoned. in the most recent cycle i finally realized what i was doing was not okay and that the only way to have healthy and successful relationships is to change my behavior, but.... now i feel like i have an even more difficult time forming and maintaining close relationships because not only do i still fear abandonment, but now i'm extra paranoid and afraid of repeating those same toxic behaviors. on top of this, because of my self-awareness in my own toxicity, i am a complete and utter doormat. i've been subjected to emotional abuse because my abuser recognized my terror and used it against me, so that when they abused me and later told me it was my own fault for for being so toxic (even if my behavior WASN'T toxic then), i would believe them. they are no longer in my life, but i feel completely scarred. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and i don't know what to do anymore. i feel so evil and rotten, like i don't deserve to be loved or even to heal. what should i do?

Oh my gosh this is so relevant to me and I've lost so many people over the years because of this. I find it's really important to be kind to myself. I can't beat myself up over the past, and it's okay to mourn for friendships that have ended without going into total meltdown. Another really big thing is trying to trust people and allow them to be around me out of their own choice rather than because they feel they have to be. So self esteem is really important because if I believe that I am someone who others like then I can give them the choice to be around me as well, and that tends to reinforce my self esteem as well

Thank you Kati. You always have the perfect timing. I react in both ways out of fear of abandonment. It is ruining my life and my friendships. I continue to work in DBT with my therapist, but sometimes it seems hard to picture my life any other way. I will keep working though. I will try to work on IMPROVE this week. Thank you again for doing these videos. You have a way of speaking that brings peace and comfort to those listening who are hurting. While also bringing awareness.

Maybe this is why I abandon everyone, because I'm afraid of being abandoned.. so I abandon them first before they even leave. I have really really bad social anxiety and cut off relationships after they have become so intense

Omg I needed this video for soooo long! Thank you so much Kati!! Fighting borderline sucks big time and videos like this really help! I’m really thankful!

I have BPD. Recently my therapist told me that she was going to refer me out, and she did. Our relationship wasn't working and I was getting more and more closed off to her (I was with her for a little over a year) because I felt hurt by how she responded (or didn't respond) when I was vulnerable with her and it never got any better even after I told her multiple times how she made me feel and what was hurtful. I thought I would be okay with leaving her because our time together really wasn't helpful and in fact I think it was HURTFUL. But I wasn't ok. I was a mess and was so hurt and distressed and angry with her. I wasn't attached to her like I've been with other people, but it still hurt so bad when she stopped seeing me. Why does this feel like abandonment even though I didn't like her and was being hurt by her? I think maybe I liked the hurt. I even feel like I was using our sessions as a form of self harm in a way... I've been able to work through the feelings of abandonment now, but it was so new for me to experience such hurt after someone who was consistently hurting me left me... Does that make sense?

I’m here on the playlist for BPD, and I just wanna say thank you very much. While many of the symptoms do feel familiar for my own experiences, as far as I’m aware I don’t have bpd. My partner, however, is diagnosed. I completely, utterly, wholly adore them. They are the center of my universe, and I love them so deeply it aches. I’m thanking you because you’ve provided a resource that is non judgmental, clear, and easy to understand. I want to understand the person I love, and the tone bpd often is discussed with repulses me. My partner is not manipulative, or abusive, or some cruel mastermind. They’re scared, and they’re hurting, and even when they’re angry they go out of their way to avoid hurting me. I want to be there for them and help them. You’re giving me the tools to do that.

I was wondering the other day why I have this great fear of abandonment. This may explain some things in my life. Thank you.

What about keeping people at a distance? Is that similar?... When you're scared of people dropping you that you never/rarely get close to anyone.

Your videos are the most helpful things ive stumbled upon!! These techniques will certainly help me day to day... Ive felt so lost and not knowing where to BEGIN on improving myself, but you make it seem so easy and calm!! 💖

This video is wonderful! I love your positivity Kati and how you make your viewers feel understood.

This video is something I sent to my friends. It’s helped them understand me so much better. Thank you

You've saved me more than my words here could ever explain.. thankyou

Thank you so much for this. The step by step practice really helps to illuminate what I am feeling in any given moment.

I do not have bpd, but found this video incredibly helpful with my chronic fear of abandonment. It made me feel more confident to tackle those hard feelings and urges like the ones you spoke of.

As always, thank you Kati. I look forward to watching your videos, educating myself, and feeling comfortable. (I’m early for once!)

I struggle with this so bad and your video was very helpful.I will try to follow your advice and tips and get myself in control cause I sometimes get out of control and do completely stupid things to keep a person's attention....Also,I would like to ask for more videos about attachment and transference and obsessions over some people we may get.Thanks a lot,happy New year!😊

Hey Kati, I've recently performed a research study on the stigma surrounding the name 'borderline personality disorder', and most of the research I conducted into clinician stigma suggested most mental health professionals with a negative image of BPD use terms like "manipulative" and "attention-seeking", and that these terms can create a stressed therapeutic alliance, resulting in lower treatment efficacy, compliance and so on. I was wondering what you thought of Marsha Linehan’s assertion that pejorative terms such as “manipulative” are as accurate a description of BPD sufferers as they would be of burn victims who were withheld pain medication, making any clumsy attempt to relieve that pain (I’m 99% sure it was her, but I’ve read so many articles on BPD lately, and this one didn’t make it into my reference list…). I would argue that manipulation requires intent and personal gain, implying a deliberate, conscious act on the part of the BPD sufferer. I understand that from the outside frequent suicidal ideation, self harm, and other attempts to gain attention and caring from loved ones may look like manipulation, but is that not the same as saying a depressed person who stays in bed all day is ‘lazy’, simply because it appears that way from the outside? I’d love to hear your opinions on Millon’s proposed 4 subtypes of borderline, as I think (given the name isn’t likely to be changed anytime soon) they provide a better insight into the particular behaviour patterns of the individual, so they aren’t all painted with the same brush so to say.

Kati thank you so much for the work you do. I've been struggling to access proper DBT treatment for my bpd but your videos have honestly helped to keep me going when it has felt like nobody has really understood what I've been going through, including myself

I have been thinking about this so much recently because I’ve all of a sudden gained a massive fear of abandonment. I need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow! So thank you so much for another great video! I hope you had a great Christmas 💜💜💜

This helped me understand so much about myself and how I can try to start coping and soothing myself !!! I wish it was a longer video !

KATI UR SO AMAAAAAAAZING THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING UR PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE WITH US FOR FREE UR AMAZING

Nice to be able to see one of these early on after release. Lately I see you have released something but can't watch until later. I should probably view it as I would savoring something that going to be helpful, encouraging and enjoyable. But my reward system is in overdrive 😉

Thank you do much for this amazingly wonderful new years treat. HAPPY NEW YEAR KATI💓

Awesome topic! Thank you for continuously educating us to be healthier happier humans

Thank you so much. All day it's been such a struggle.. and that can feel like a waste of a day. I needed this to understand.

On point, as always! Thank you Kati for your videos! You are a KZfaq Rock Star!

Thanks for the video on new years. Happy new year everyone! 💛

I've been struggling with the thing for a really long time now and couldn't find anything describing how I feel and how to manage this. Now I at least feel like somebody knows what it's like. Thank you, Kati.

Thank you for this helpful video Kati xx 💖

Could you do a video on being ghosted? I just got ghosted by my boyfriend of 4 months and, honestly, I didn't see it coming at all and I feel a bit traumatized. Getting some insight would help.

I needed this so much today. Going back to work today and the last time i was at work i got in so much trouble for when i got frustrated and said things i didn't mean to say at all. I did learn that it was harder than I thought it would be to explain BPD to people who didn't understand it when i was upset and overwhelmed and felt like i was going to get fired.

Wow. Great video Kati. You were spot on with the manipulation thing. I have experienced it from both ends and you are 100% right.

I just found your channel and your great. You are really passionate about what you do. im about to start therapy again (haven't been since I was a teen) and I hope to god that my new therapist is as good as you.

Amazing video

Such good teaching in this, Kati. Breaking down the story of an emotion is especially helpful to hear about. One resource that has made the difference for me this past year has been a set of emotion cards that is now in an app form called ‘The Bears’. I use them with my therapist and it has given me a feelings picture or body posture to then go on and describe the emotion behind it. I have found it easier to explore body memories using these emotion cards. This video is making me think about what the difference is between a feeling and an emotion?? And the difference between abandonment and rejection?? Are they the same thing? Thanks so much for your insightful conversation and challenge around this! Sooo good!!

I love story of an emotion! Sometimes I just don’t know how I feel. I’ve done as you said, Kati, and printed out the emotion chart, but it is sometimes overwhelming to think about even looking at it because I know it’s going to be so confusing. Story of an emotion is probably going to help a great deal. As always, thank you for these actionable techniques! I know I struggled greatly this holiday to protect my loved ones from my overwhelming emotions. I just kind of white knuckled it. These are great tips that I’m going to use.

Thank you for validating that it is in fact exhausting for those of us in relationship with someone with BPD and we can feel overwhelmed by the needs/dramas of the person with BPD. I want to help my coworker and be as kind as possible but I have a job that I'm getting paid to do and it feels like she wants more from me than I have to give. Furthermore, it doesn't feel healthy to me.

Awesome video this helped me so much

Great video Kati, thank you very much. I was diagnosed with traits of bpd in the summer. The advice in this video, is very helpful. Thanks again. 👍

Happy New Year, Kati! I appreciate your videos so much. xoxo

your video are amazing, it helps me when i feel really bad. it helps me get motivated for the day, thankyou

omg this is really helpful. my friend has bpd explains alot thanksxx

Happy New Year everyone! I hope y'all have an awesome 2018!

You know they lil beat at the top with the music is really dope. I bang my head everytime and pretend to buss a freestyle. 👍🏾

I am diagnosed with MDD, Manic, Anxiety (Social and generalized), and so on. I totally related with the intense emotions, to the point I stop feeling/am unable to know what im feeling. This is something I want to talk to my counselor about because this, i believe, could be something we haven't looked at. BPD is something we have never talked about nor even suggested to be a problem. Thank you so so much for this video!

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety and insomnia in my late teens (I'm 25) and I was doing well with my medication and living fairly happily up until a couple of years ago. Someone close to me noticed I had been experiencing crazy moods swings and asked me if I might have bipolar or BPD. I looked into it and watched all your videos on it and I fit all the diagnostic criteria almost perfectly. You gave me the kick I needed to go back to a psych and get diagnosed correctly. Thank you!

Hi Kati! 🤗 I'm from Peru! First, happy new year!!! Well, I suffer from BPD and some times I watch your videos and I'm so grateful for your time to do this for us who suffer from mental health problems 🙏 In my country mental health is a taboo so for me is difficult express what happen in my mind to others. I hope this year I'm be better. Successes, Kati! Love ya! 💕🙏👐🤗

Thank you Kati!

Thanks for the upload. I've been waiting for a video on this that I understand. I have Bpd too

Really needed this! Thank you, Kati!

Thank you so much for your help!

Your videos help me so much and help me better understand myself and issues keep up the good work💖💖💖💖

Love you Katie! Simply.. thank you.

Can you talk about trauma induced abandonment issues? ♥️

Thanks Katie - I got the notification for this video while talking to another friend with BPD about some issues we're both having. I think this will help a lot.

This is so helpful thank you so much!

Kati is a very sweet therapist

I really love your video! I'm going through this right now. I know I'll be okay and get through it, but I became attached to my mental health nurse. I've been discharged from her as we both felt I'm ready. Leaning on my notes of the past year, new meds, and continuing to attend support groups is what I need to do to stay well. Just miss talking about the "hard" stuff with her.

thank you for all that you do Kati. these videos help so much.

Reminds me of my boyfriend. He's been rejected by a couple of other girls and took it hard. The other day, I didn't text him back until nighttime and he was angry, said he'd felt abandoned. When he asked me "How would you feel if I did that to you?" I responded that I'd just assume he is busy or has his phone off and not be bothered by it. Sounds like abandonment issues to me. What scares me is knowing he sank into depression and unhealthy coping with those otr girls. Maybe he was younger and foolish then, but If he can't handle one day without a response, what will he do if this doesn't work out?

Thank you so much Kati! Recently I've been struggling with this fear and as a sufferer of bpd it doesn't help. Defiantly going to try these tips !:) x

Happy New Year!!! Thank you.

This is so helpful!!👏 Thank you!🙌😊🌞🌴

Thank you Katie...

This channel is so good!

I love your videos…. they are really helpful.

Woo, great way to start off the new year!

Love this video so much

If it weren’t for this channel I would never have started to realize the truth to everything so thank you sincerely I’m still suffering but atleast it makes sense and now I know I need therapy

This is so useful.thank u