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It's true you do not have to become his consort to stay in a romantic relationship with Ascended Astarion. He is actually understanding about your decision. Unfortunately, the game will make you a spawn or treat you like one in the Epilogue. I was surprised and a bit disappointed how this went. The Baldur's Gate Team has been really good about covering all those little details. Hopefully they will change it.
You have to let Astarion Ascend and then finish the game without long resting in order to get this scenario.