“Closure is over rated” omg that needs to go on a t-shirt for this whole community. Ok, just me?

Part of the attraction to "bad boys" (or girls) can be an unconscious desire to win the love from someone who doesn't love us. Someone who may resemble a parent who abused or neglected us. Actual love from healthy people doesn't feel as real or exciting.

I quit dating in January of this year. Waiting to get back into therapy. I had a breakthrough moment yesterday. For the first time EVER I went on a date with a guy, I saw the red flags, I chose not to ignore them, I vocalized my disapproval and left the situation. For a split moment the old me tried chiming in, but then I snapped out of it - it was NOT attractive to me at all in that moment. I'm so proud of myself. Dating is on the back burner.

I have an issue with this too. I think I conflate the ‘bad boy’ with power and power with protection and safety. It’s so confusing. Absent father 🙋🏼‍♀️

"To Eroticize the Abandonment" is an eyeopening statement to me. My whole life I've been attracted to all the wrong people. The ones who aren't good for me and don't care about me. The ones who don't reciprocate my loving feelings. The ones who just aren't interested in me. I thought I was primarially attracted to their looks, but now I realize it's something much deeper. Thank you for pointing this out to me.

The dream of being The One, the one who can get under the badboy's defences, get him to open up about his pain and become emotionally dependent on us, is very compelling. It is a fantasy ego-trip really. Perhaps it's a response to being discounted/rejected in early life by the one(s) we looked to for complete love - our parents. That's the pain we really need to address. Until we do, we will go on looking for the solution in the wrong place.

The bad boy behavior applies to our friends as well. I had a friend who called me for emotional booty calls and then ghosted me for months. a few years ago I finally told her I cannot continue our friendship that way. She got upset and then blamed me. That was a friendship that went on beyond its expiration date. It’s amazing how your internal peace and harmony springs back once you remove the toxicity from your life.

"How does a person change who they fall in love with?" That is the question!! "The part that you can change is you." The antidote! What's crazy about being attracted to a "bad boy" is that there could be a room of 1,000 men, and before a word is said, I will seek the one who is not the right person for me!! That's what I want to change.

This was just what I needed to hear. On my own for the first time at 68 yrs of age after a high school romp and a child to adoption at 17 and three marriages to men who were either mentally, morally or physically ill. My father was my first love and he was a handsome, sensitive charismatic man with a bad drinking problem which lead to promiscuity, adultery, lying and cheating. You are right, it's taken almost a full year living alone without distractions to face my emotions. It's not easy but worth it.

I'm attracted to the bad boys. Yet I've always wanted a good guy who treats me well. I recently learned I have an anxious attachment style as well as codependency. I'm a fixer and a fawner. I buy things for them as well. It really upsets me because I know better, yet it is hard to break these habits. I'm now 51 and have never felt loved. I have spent the last four years doing inner work. And, yet I have found myself again in an unsatisfying relationship. Even worse is that it's long distance. I feel lonely, sad, unworthy and hopeless. 😥

I can relate to Kira so hard… I’m only 20 but I’ve already gone through 4 “situationships” that each lasted max. 3-4 months. We’d “fall in love” after a few dates. Started being affectionate to each other over text, then they’re texting pattern suddenly changed from this loving, affectionate style to being super distant and unavailable. That’s when my anxious attachment kicked in and everything went downhill. Thanks to this video, I’ve gained some clarity on what went wrong each time. I was constantly blaming myself for being too much and being too pushy, but the problem was that I was chasing something that was never for me in the first place. I’ve been approached by quite a few guys, who were emotionally available and wanted to date me, but I ended up being bored or unsure because I didn’t feel this strong feeling of wanting to pursue them and chase them to the very end of the world. Fact is, I am a very affectionate and loving person and I need somebody who is exactly the same. Thank you for making me realise this. 💞

Feel like I could have written this letter. Every time I go on a date with someone intelligent, well balanced, respectful, stable and caring, I have a great evening then go home and cry because I don’t feel anything. Then I cry because I can’t tell whether it’s just not a physical match or if I’m so confused and badly oriented that I am only attracted to very extreme individuals.

I'm 50 years-old and have been single and celibate since age 35, so it's been 15 years since I've been intimate with a man. Just got really exhausted and discouraged with trying to engage with and form meaningful bonds with men. My mother was and still is emotionally unavailable and I lived my whole life exhausting myself begging for love, affection and attention from men because what I truly needed was a mother's love, and that's something a man can NEVER give me. At this stage in my life, the very thought of forming an intimate relationship with a man is nauseating.🤢😔☹

A lot of men fall for bad girls too. I think it's trauma that most can sense. Some are lucky enough not to go through it and develop a bad, but sexy vibe. Trauma and seeking validation is a bad combination. We must heal, because empaths are the most loving, but abused people in general. Narcissists are tricky and dangerous to anyone.

I found your videos today. I watched a lot of them. I have ADHD and CPTSD... recently I start to realize why I am this way, why I lead a life which is rather different than others. Still trying to put the picture together, and it is not easy. Now I know my traumas keep me back from living my life, and I did not even know about it for a very long time, while I thought I handle my crappy childhood quite good. I don't really have help to process my traumas, my (remaining) family is not supportive, and not even functioning. Sometimes during highschool (which was ages ago) I fantasied about a good family. A functioning family, where people are happy when I get home. I was thinking about them before sleep, imagining I will get there in the moment I fall asleep, and live 8 hours in a happy life, and then switch back to this life. Like in a movie. The other day I was thinking about my imaginary family. Others have imaginary friends when they are small, so they wont get bored. What does my imaginary family tell about my life...?

You being really focused on self care, and what you really want in your life. That behavior creates emotional availability in you. So inspiring 🤩

I was so enamored by my exs' famiies closeness as I wasn't close with sisters or parents. Turns out, they were just more enmeshed with their severe dysfunction. I abused my family to become part of his, of course they turned on me after I realized how messed up their dynamic was. I was convinced that I was too damaged to raise a child on my own. Turns out, I spent most of my emotional energy trying to support him to be the parent I wanted him to be. It was a waste of my time & energy that almost killed me. I'm SO lucky to have gotten healthier, seen my daughter get clean & see her dad for what he is. Always work on yourself first, those benefits never go away & only then can you consider adding others to your life.

I'm not attracted to bad boys. But I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable.

The ones who dislike this video are either not wanting to accept they are damage or they are the ones administrating the damage. This video is so helpful and appreciated no matter how bad it hurts to admit. Not everything we feel has to be followed, say this over and over until it sinks into your soul. Now you can fill that void with a good experience. You will then start to heal. You are worth the work it is going to take when you finally understand that you were traumatized early in life by people who were also traumatized. FACT: Hurt people, hurt other people!

Thank you for pointing out the way movies romanticize toxic relationships. It really bugs me as it feeds into the whole "I can save him/her" illusion.

I have the opposite problem; I look “bad” but inside I’m quite sensitive and kind hearted. I’m heavily tattooed, beard, shaved head, ride a chopper and most days wear all black. In reality I’m a dad 1st adjusting to the empty nest and a creative type, previously with music now transitioning more into writing. My last few relationships were with what I call “rock n roll girls” who exhibited early red flags that I didn’t recognize and ended disastrously. My days of partying are long behind me. Now I’m focused on watching my kids flourish and developing my creative work. I love kids but those days are behind me too. My idea for the future is to move to a city where there’s more people like me with the experience of life and the insight of people like Anna to guide me. Not all bad boys/girls are what they appear to be but knowing how to recognize those CPTSD lures & snares is crucial. Give a bad boy a chance, but don’t let him waste your time.

I have spent the past 6 years doing a lot of healing, which has included setting clear boundaries with people around me and also ending some friendships. What inspired me to dive into this prosess was how I always got involved with toxic men and I knew I needed to become more self aware. It's been super weird seing the changes that this healing has brought on. But as far as relationships go, I would say there was a period of a few years where I felt like I was having a "romantic identity crisis" haha I just didn't know who I was attracted to anymore. I stayed single and busy with education and work, but I noticed some really great guys started becoming interested in me. In this time my self respect and my trust in my abilty to make good decisions has improved a lot, and I am no longer interested in any "bad guys" or people who lack self awareness. I think we look for our peers in dating, and if you feel not worthy of love, hurt, lonely and you're not really connected to your emotions, that is what you will be attracted to in others. When your view of yourself change, so does your criterias for what your looking for in a potential partners. Love this channel

I just want to take a moment to thank you for making these videos. I just had to quit therapy this week because of financial reasons but finding videos like yours and especially ones hyper focusing on C-PTSD have been helping me immensely. I've never gotten specialized trauma treatment but all your videos speak to me so personally. You are doing such good work. Thank you thank you thank you.

Oh, what a subject. I've realized after a decade of wrong choices that, somehow, I'm feeding my own depression with failed relationships, long story short - my attraction to bad boys has a function of feeding my addiction to be codependent and abandoned.

Thanks Anna. This was good to hear. Romanticizing abandonment, that cleared a few things up for me regarding keeping "friends" who demonstrate that they don't value me as much as I value them/the friendship.

I mean, we are known by the company we keep. One of my young friends was mystified why she wasn't able to make friends at work. Everyone knew her boyfriend was a "bad boy", and they weren't into trying to connect with someone who was dating a petty criminal at best. "Bad boy" is just a euphemism for a guy that has no respect for rules and laws. This might sound harsh, but a lot of times we meet people through others, so yes, even today your reputation still means something.

This lady is actually pretty amazing with her advice - spot on

This idea of a troth is really interesting! I don't think I've ever thought of that word by itself, but thinking of it as a battery or a container where you put valuable energy that you want to protect gives you a conceptual handle on what is important. You could generalize that to any addictive type of scenario and use it to flip the relation around where, say, for smoking, instead of gaining the pleasure of a cigarette, you can think of it as abandoning your non-smoking energy and progress. I really like that!

I never knew that my patterns of destruction had a name: dysregulation 🤯 I experience this at least once a week and much less now that I am aware of it. Your videos have helped me better understand myself and have helped me on my journey to reach my optimum self.

How did I miss this lady for so long. I love a bunch of the people on KZfaq but I’ve been watching these videos for years and I just discovered her, I really love her style and contact

This is SOO good. I was stuck here for decades. Yes, decades. By the grace of God, I found my way out. Anna, you are in deed a gift from God. I am well along in my healing process, but listen to and study your videos daily. I pray healing and peace to those with CPTSD.

'Override your instincts'....so true! I so enjoy hearing the passion you have for your subject. And I'm sure I've heard you say you are not a counselor...but you have such insight...and willingness to share....and empathy. Very inspiring. This subject really hits home for me. I definitely have/had this very dynamic in my life. I finally realized I need to stop the pattern. It is quite a challenge to find/recognize/implement new healthy behavior/habits. It does become difficult to extend yourself after a lifetime of bad relationships. The one (VERY) good thing to come of it all is to know I am okay. A good person. I'm stronger than I thought. There are worse things that could have happened. Life has a lot to offer...even when you are single. 'Kira....don't loose heart. But do learn to override your instincts. Let rational guide you...not emotion. Learn to see things that are going well and be contented while you work on it. Build trust in yourself. Value your ability to take care of yourself in the meantime. I would have liked to have understood that when I was 35. Thanks for what you do Anna.

The worst part of the abuse I had was not the hitting it was being told that he hates me. Since then I’ve entered social situations thinking everyone is going to hate me then someone turns out to be nice and I attach to them pretty much immediately and the person turns out to not be what I thought he/she was

Mean and neglectful are familiar 🤔

I have struggled with something similar recently out of nowhere. Someone who I am intensely attracted to but I know it would never work out. It’s funny how you feel like you can lower your standards because of how gorgeous someone is. But that’s wrong thinking. A few days ago I heard that song from Avril Lavigne “he was everything everything I wanted, he was everything everything I needed.“ And quickly realized this person I’m fixated on or experiencing limerence with was definitely not everything I wanted or needed at all. It helped me. I think I’ll use it as my reality check now..Lol 😅This video is amazing thank you!

22 years of marriage to a psychopath narcissist and afterwards a 6 month fling with a married Special Police Force Officer I met at a mental hospital thinking he was my twin flame. Well, I guess my relationships are affected by childhood trauma... so time to do some serious inventory and heal and start looking out for myself! Thank you 1000x for these videos and your writing technique!

Thank you, Anna. I cried through most of this video.

Lol omg I love how you use big words like "emergency" and "marshal all your forces". I don't think people understand how urgent it is to recognize these patterns and go in and move quickly to change the mentality. I'm in the middle of this type of situation now and from the very beginning I was guarded, but I'm feeling those euphoric feelings of eroticizing abandonment. I needed to know why!? and What was going on in my brain. This video is so very helpful.

Had a bad boy who was obsessive. I’d always avoided the booty call situation but obsessive is not any better. So hard when your interests and needs have been neglected in childhood to see the difference between genuine care and affection and self centred care and affection. I think becoming more focused on myself and my needs helpful to directing other people to treat me as well as I treat myself.

Bless your work, Anna. A million thank you's! I'm sitting here crying (for the 3rd time today) over a serious 6 month long relationship that I recently ended when I finally realized how bad it was. I had the strongest urge to text him just now, but my mind knows just how bad he is for me, so I came to KZfaq to find a video on how to avoid texting an ex and before I could search, this was right at the top of my feed. ❤️🙏 You not only saved me today, but gave me food for thought for the next time the urge hits. You're doing an amazing work and changing so many people's lives.

What warm and genuinely helpful person. Thank you for your videos.

I have to thank you. You gave me so many "a-ha!" moments and I came to realize after many years that I was actually neglected by my father and kept looking for that same type in the guys I date. I relate so much with the words of Keera, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone and that there are explanations to my feelings. I was sure that I am damaged, there is no repair for me, I just have to live like this, and after the last dude I dated that totally broke my heart and left me high and dry, pure coincidence KZfaq offered this video for me and I am so grateful for it. You help me find solace, and your voice is so soothing and I feel like finally, after a long long time, you make me feel that I am ok. I will be better one day but I am not as damaged as I thought I am and that I am not alone. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Lihi.

Wow. Every young woman/man who is dating should hear this. Really great information and advice. Thank you 🙏

I had to cut off contact. It felt so calming. I did go through withdrawal but I did a lot of exercise to get over it.

I’m guilty of this. Bad boy - good guy oscillation. Back and forth. I love them both.

I'm so happy I found your channel. I have BPD which makes relationships incredibly hard for me to navigate and watching some of your videos I feel like you are directly speaking to me. Thank you!

Romanticizing pain.

So much truth. I completely understand this girl and her cptsd story. The letter seems like I wrote half of it and the answers and response is exactly what I thought but I needed to hear it out loud again. I’m so thankful I found this amazing channel.

So on point for what I have experienced. Never knew what Trauma Bonding was until I saw one of your videos about it. After 2 horrible marriages, I went through complete avoidance of relationships for 9 years. Then I sought out a former school mate from his profile on social media. I was addicted and he was a mess. I have begun to heal although the obsessive thoughts of him still intrude.

The hope "beaten" out of me- exactly true except in my case I have always been isolated and neglected. That's my norm. I'm doing a lot of work on my life. UR very helpful 🙂

The problem is that even when you are done with bad boys, the pool of high value men is small for us women over 30/35.

I think for me it's knowing that I am perfectly capable of being around people I'm attracted to without acting on those feelings. That has given me a sense of power and self esteem back because animal attraction or lust is not the same thing as love. fortunately, a friend taught me that decades ago which helped me begin the process before I ever realized that I had a problem. There's a huge difference between love and lust.

I never really liked the movie Grease because it has this 'a good woman's love fixes a bad boy,' myth through and through. I just can't make myself exchange this fantasy for my desire for real romance. Even though it's a cute movie and all.

For me it was all about chasing flirty women that were not really interested and chasing off or being blind to the potential good relationships. I realised way too late it was a self fulfilling idea "im not good enough to find romantic love. Im too broken, ugly..so on." That is at the root of it. Each rejection would only add on to this feeling. Now I finally got past the chasing the wrong type but I have a lifetime of inexperience that makes it near impossible to meet someone in our current pandemic state. Dating sites are horrible experiences for cptsd. A major problem I have is not being able to read signals of attraction. Several times when I was younger people told me I was being flirted with after the fact and I just didnt see it or else thought there was a something when there was not. I signed up for the courses. Im sure it will give me some answers.

Wow. So this channel is going to be my go-to channel for my weird dating quirks. I'm a good sheltered church girl type, but I'm usually attracted to bad boys! I like what you said about we're liking people who will be bad dads and not be there for us like our parents weren't emotionally. WOW! Eroticizing abandonment!

Many people are attracted to confidence in others. The "bad boy" or "bad girl" seems to have confidence (what some people call a "devil may care attitude"). It might also be due to the media's mystique of this type of persona. The attraction may even be due to the envy of the admirer, who wishes to be more like the bad boy/girl type themselves.

Wow @ eroticize abandonment. I have been doing this since a teenager as abandoned & abused emotionally & sexually traumatized child. I have had a high tolerance for abuse and pain. I’m crying to this video because I don’t want bad boys or abusers anymore. I refuse to eroticized being mistreated and abandoned. You have found your God given gift and calling. 🙌🏼I needed this. This is like a ton of bricks falling on my head. Traditional counseling served its purpose years ago but was never fully healing.

Taught in my early years to be fearful and believe I was no good which then became engrained. Didnt know much at all about love and relationships. Got married in my late 40s to someone who i should have seen was not going to fit with me. Got hurt physically and emotionally. Knew i needed to move on so got into another relationship. Should have seen we weren't ever going to work out. Got hurt physically and emotionally. But now, hopefully i am wiser. Story of my life. Thank you Anna.

you get closure over time when you finally realize youve been played, That is closure, once its been processed in your mind and feelings. closure is not, Im breaking off,,, lol actions speak louder than words

That part saying that keeping contact postpones healing feels motivating.

This could be, perhaps, one of Anna's best videos. I will listen again. Good life skills presented. Thank you.

I have cut off all of those branches.. I ran into a guy hopping off a motorcycle.. our eyes met and man the attraction was strong.. I ran! I ran far and fast! I’ve learned if I’m attracted to them they will not be good for me.. I’ve decided to just be alone.

I think its that the sexual tension is increased with bad boy types.

Another phenomenal video, with perfect subject touched. I'm 37 yo. Same story...same questions...same doubts.

You do a very good job at explaining this crazy roller coaster. Thank you. Ghosting is just plain rude! Live and learn.

Ive been watching a lot of your videos and can totally resonate. I'm still trying to ween myself from a one sided attachment and intellectually i know why im attracted , but like you say , its like an addiction and its learning to say no to what is unsafe and painful at times. Thank you for your great way of relating this to us all.x

"Reverse beer goggles." That is a great way to put it!

This is really one of the most insightful psychology channels that I’ve seen. I always learn something deep and new here.

you are a revelation. I finally got off that rollercoaster after 40 years of all the wrong relationships.

I used to personalize the stories I saw on T.v. or in movies. I am more emotionally connected to the story of- poor ugly girl finding her royal prince charming type or someone who treats her badly or abandon her. I am so emotionally connected to the stories or movies I had seen in my childhood uptil now. This made me firmly believe that I am destined to be treated badly or abandoned by him. As since childhood to now I had been made to believe that men love beautiful charming stunning women.I had been criticized a lot for my looks which made me believe that I am ugly not beautiful so, destined to be abandoned . As I believe that good looks = true real love. As I am an average looking girl firmly believe this belief which has stopped me from loving and accepting myself ,looking for approval especially pleasing to "him". This emotional addiction, to the painful stories,movies sad songs , firm belief in abandonment by him leads to Inferiority complex and constant comparison with other girls and negative harsh self talk. Please help me in Healing myself through your guidance . Please make a video on emotional addiction to sad stories ,inferiority complex,competition for gaining his love and negative harsh inner voice.

we need to make a list of what are the clues, for like a fire drill, to practice and memorize; a big long list of examples of wrong, "bad boy" clues

" not everything we feel need to be followed " I'll keep this in mind😌

I love that story in the Big Book. It's funny until you see the destruction of alcoholism. I went to meetings with a friend... a very wrong and destructive relationship. I think kids in highschool should have a class of the Big Book of AA. It's really an awesome book for anyone.

Hitting the nail on the head. This is also my biggest issue. Thank you for touching on it.

I always liked people who were a bit more serious/aloof and hard to impress. I am never attracted to someone that is very attentive and caring from the get go without me showing any sort of reciprocation whatsoever. I have been attracted unavailable people my whole life and I have removed myself from this situation to an extent but I am very distressed thinking that I should have to change my true instincts as you said it feels almost like conversion therapy. I do not feel attracted to the typical "sweet and caring" person, I only see them as a friend. But I do want someone who will be caring in the relationship. I just don't like it when we haven't established anything yet and they shower me with affection. I think that if I could just fall in love with a person based on how moral or caring they are then I could find quite a few people like that and at the end of the day the relationship would be interchangeable. I hope to be able to find love one day but I'm starting to think I should get used to the idea that it will never happen. I'm not going to settle for a lukewarm relationship anytime soon though, I'm still 25.

My God, watching your videos has helped clear my mind of so much doubt and fog. I can already feel the strength, because I'm able to see things for what they are! Thank you for sharing!!! I also think it's interesting to watch little tid bits about why relationships didnt work out, or to hear certain things straight from the opposite sex (I watched one Oprah video on why people cheat, and a Steve Harvey video on how to know if someone is truly interested). Obviously your videos are leaps and bounds above those as far as zeroing in, and really learning how to fix, but it's really nice to have so much info available to help people see more clearly!

I haven’t seen men who are considerate of your feelings and not all about taking. It’s a dream. I think i’ll go on searching for them forever with such high standards.

Never taught to have boundaries, being people pleaser, and let others call you names, somewhat emotional bullying could cause you to attract those toxic people?

I was abandoned for the 4th time In My life and it was so devastating because I thought this was finally the one. He has moved on and it has been a year and a half and I think about him every day I make a conscious effort to stop thinking about him. BUT nothing compares to the bond we had in my mind I'm trying to find a nice safe guy. But I have no attraction to them and now for the first time I'm hearing that this is a thing wow. I really don't know how to get over this.

This is such an eye opener, thank you for these videos and having such incredible knowledge. I was married twice to unavailable men but not realising they were at the time. As an empath I am attracted to fixing people and to look for the good in them. After divorcing my second husband, I started to look deep into myself to see what the problems were. I started watching lots of videos and found out about narcissism, both husbands were. I'm now healing and in a much healthier place. Thank you again for educating me even further , your videos have helped me a lot.

It's so complicated when you think about it. I'm surprised anyone stays together anymore. The rules of relationships can rarely be so perfectly met. People have problems, and only through knowing and accepting their problems can you really --accept the other person. Its strange how everyone wants the answer "what do I do" in a world of change and uncertainty. Relationships are so complex that often we oversimplify them and are faced with miscommunication and confusion that makes sense to an individual just not to a unification of two people. We are often illusioned about what a man is, we change our thoughts so we can accept a man, respect a man even if he really isnt the man a woman thinks he is....scary really scary stories from a nightmares lolol

I may just listen to this every day for a while.

That letter sounds exactly like me a year ago..... I didn't remember sending it though!!! I'm in a much better place now enjoying and appreciating singleness/hood 😊

Thumb nail is too cute! This one was so good Anna, you explained it perfectly. But here's the thing: I notice I'm on the other side lately. Since healing most of the cptsd, I've attracted a lot of puppydogs into my life who are addicted to my unavailability (which is really just sustained peace and a full life). I have a deep motherly love for them but I don't have the motivation to fill their cups continually, so I take breaks and try to pour love into these relationships when I can, but I think I'm somehow perfectly spacing dopamine hits rather than inspiring permanent shifts. It's not satisfying for me either, because I end up feeling like a drug being used rather than a real human giving love. A video on how to truly love dependents (a tough love how-to would help here, how do YOU do it?) would be so amazing. I want to learn how to not be a drug for other cptsd survivors. I don't have the heart to just end these relationships for their own good, and I know I could be a healing person for them since I've healed a lot of my own and I don't NEED any love from them. I don't feel responsible for their healing or growth, I just genuinely want to help these sweet puppydogs without playing a savior or creating an artificial need for my good vibes. Do you get me? All the love Fairy!

19:08 through the development of a genuine ability to connect with people. 19:33 gotta turn it off, not everything we feel has to be followed

How about a video on overcoming the inner/outer critic that keeps you from even trying to meet/date a partner. And how to get into a positive relationship with a healthy person.

I'm so concerned for my children I pray relentlessly they find healthy 💘

married almost 30 years, I was in a car accident a few days ago. My husbands first reaction was, " I guess the car is totaled" not are you OK? It's a pattern, it's all about him.

This video is a year old but perfect timing for exactly what I'm going through now. I was wondering this morning how do we know if we have a spirit guide or a guardian angel and this video pops up. I have been rethinking what I'm doing as recently as this morning. I have only seen a couple of your videos before and yet here you are, speaking directly to me. Now I know I do have a guide who brought you to me. Thank you!

This is soo my life, the only man that was good to me, I left him because there was no physical attraction.

Sound & Solid ... from start to finish. This Woman (Wise Fairy) makes sense on all points. ~TD, Boston

I'm not specifically attracted to bad boys but I do find rejection or unavailablness as a big trigger. I try to say to myself they don't find me attractive, are not interested in me to try and put myself off them but in a way that rejection is what triggers the limerent state in me. I'm pretty much past the age of having kids and never wanted them so using the concept of would they be a good parent isn't such a useful tool for me. I sort of hate myself and I'm aware I lack meaning and purpose in my life but even when I try to think of goals to pursue I imagine the outcome in the context my various limerant objects being attracted to me after my transformation. I'm also paralysed by fear of failure and fear of taking risks, fear of wasting the small resources I have. As a result I stay so small in my life, hidden away and indulge in fantasy loves, and lives in my head and take repeated temporary relief from addictive behaviours around food, sex and shopping.

Closure can also be when you say. “No more .!!!! contact with them…I’m done” I’m turning the page to my new chapter of my life.

This is such a helpful video Anna, thank you so so much. I just want to clarify, when she mentioned about the boring guy, I'm guessing she's referring to things I've seen written too that where it feels exciting to have that rush from an unavailable person who activates your traumatised brain chemistry, a healthier relationship will probably feel more boring and safer in an un momentous way.. So it's advised to try dating nice people who don't give us that rush.. But then it's confusing how much "boringness" we should tolerate. So are you saying that for her for now, until she gets really clear on what her values are of what she's looking for as a co parent she should stop dating altogether and just remove anyone who isn't resonant? That makes sense to me, to kind of calm all your systems til you can rewire, but then I'm still not clear about at what stage you would try to reintroduce calmer people to your life, how to trust yourself to have a natural feeling of falling in love and get to enjoy it, and what to do if that does feel boring, although pleasant. I guess that's what some of your deeper courses are about, but if you could share any smaller tips on that for those of us who don't have the income, that would be great. I struggle with feeling self trust or allowing myself pleasure at the positivity of being around nice people too, and have lost my self trust to tell the difference, after an increadibly manipulative narcisstic relationship that had me hooked and confused for 2 years. It was still in the relatively kind flattering early stages mostly, nothing too vicious had gone on, but so so so many things were off, harmful, and it might have stolen my last chance at having children, which I was extremely clear about when I met them. Now I feel some urgency to get this sorted.. I had recovered alot from childhood stuff and was feeling really positive before some devistating things all coincided at this time, so yeah, just having a hard time telling what's actually boring, or a healthier new normal and secure and fun and consistent. Although, I probably do know if I really listen to myself, I currently feel utterly disgusted at the thought or feelings of falling in love because those were so badly disturbed and abused by this person.. I want to feel clean again, about experiencing my own emotions and own body chemistry. I've heard women talk about this in reclaiming their enjoyment of sex after violation as a child, which is something I didn't experience myself luckily... I'm just starting to pin this equation down on an emotional level and realise how disturbing it is to have your good will and beautiful soulful experience of the purity of falling in love hacked by an abuser. So, any tips on self trust with this? I'm not dating, I'm doing all the other things you recommend here, and sorting out my life, maybe it's the having faith and patience part? When there is a biological clock ticking? I'm worried I'm running out of time. Thank you Anna, bless

My goodness what an invaluable treasure trove video.....even for one who has been through all this and going toward a 2nd marriage desire❤️❤️ty Anna!

This is so amazing! So many things that are do true but I’ve never heard about

Not sure if they are the "Bad Boy"; I'm the Rescuer of the Underdog. I have been a Rescuer since I was about 8. The Rescuer and the Black Sheep. That is my lesson; not everyone deserves my Energy. I cannot fix the broken. Some of them don't want to be fixed.

A good variety of thinking methods that allow us to belief this is what we want. Accurate.

oh boy!! i didn't learn that cptsd was a factor until my kids were grown, then fell right back into that cycle. but we all gotta fall to learn to walk...right? ;) smh

I was not attracted to a good friend so I adopted him as a cousin.