I just erased my comment because I thought ''nobody is going to care if they ever read this'', but I thought ''this is exactly why you need to counter it'', so to actually post it: I recently found out this is my attachment style and I have no doubts about it. And I know what messed me up - i'm a young woman and my dad was and is very emotionally abusive and neglectful, so, as a child and teenager I just learned to go to my room and not be with them (my mother enabled his behavior, but is a nurturing person herself, often the one who cared even a little about what frustrated me, although i had no tools to actually express myself). Being together with my family consisted of being told ''grow up, stop doing that'' when it was perfectly fine to be a child and play, and when I was in pain or needed emotional support, the caregiver would go ''you're just faking it'' or ''you're being ridiculous!'', so I avoided showing them any emotion or even telling them about what's going on in my life - because I knew I would just get hurt. I developed a mild depression when i was 13/14 and although I was never formally diagnosed, to this day I struggle with suicidal thoughts and extreme anxiety over minor but negative events with my family because of never feeling like I was a part of ''them''. If any dad here is reading this, please, show your kids it's okay to have emotions and respond to them when they seek emotional support, this messed me up for the foreseeable future and I don't know if I'll ever be normal.

The problem with being avoidant is that you want to be vulnerable and open but you don't know how to do that.

It sounded funny when my parents told me how I never really cared who was around, just played on my own in the corner, and how I never really cried. Now I realized it's a sad story.

It's hard being introverted and avoidant.

I always thought getting A's and medals would make me fulfilled, but it never did There is a deep emotional longing that can't be fulfilled in me A deep narcissism where any level of criticism shatters my ego and makes me retaliate and lash out I've also been the pot smoker loner with the other misfits, not because I can't make friends but I just don't attach to people on a healthy emotional level But I want to heal and have inherent self worth that isn't based on the opinions of others

I cried. I'm 22, and the precocious, independent, stoic and emotionally neglected insecure achiever with no friends obsessed with external validation as a means of distraction, is the story of my life. I masked it over with achievements and for a period, humor. Everyone knew of me in school and got along with me but I wasn't truly friends with them. Even my report cards as a child would say "brilliant student but very shy." I walked outside after graduation to hug no one. Because I pushed everyone away through self-imposed isolation. If I waved at someone in the hallway and they didn't wave back I assumed they hated me instead of that they simply didn't see me and used that narrative as a basis for which to build walls around myself. I don't believe I'm worthy of being a friend or in a romantic relationship so I push opportunities away. I spent all 4 years of college just studying and I cry over the regret. I have a good esteem in my academic/career abilities but none in myself/appearance/social worth. Like he mentioned, I don't feel like my worth is based on my inherent humanity and therefore, do not deserve love. I've ruined so many opportunities.

The “Loner stoner that hangs out with others that don’t fit in” hit hard lol. Realized I have an avoidant attachment, just today. I have many emotions, but explaining them is difficult. Just can’t find the right words. I tend to disappear from friendships and others, and pop up once in a couple months. I’ve always separated myself from others because No one really understands me, shit I don’t even understand myself sometimes.

Omg my mom and the adults would always tell me that when I was a baby, I was always chill, quite and calm. :/ It all makes sense now.

The avoidant student might also be one that never asks for help but then explodes when people try, because the one time they get attention is when they are "failing", and that is too painful to accept. Avoidance style can come from neglect but i wonder how it looks when one both parents are avoidant but one is violent too

This video made me cry...

Anyone else cry the second they realised that they are that baby?

It’s nice to find a video that actually explains what it’s like to be an avoidant from their tormented point of view and inner turmoil. and it’s also refreshing to see the comment section isn’t filled with people blaming avoidants for everything and accusing them of being narcissistic.

This hit me hard, I have friends but I can't consider any of them as my bestfriends. They usually know my thoughts and opinions about certain topics but never with my emotions. In my workplace, I usually struggle with overwork because I just can't ask for help from others,it makes me feel a less of myself. Right now, I can only identify my importance based on my achievement academically and in my workplace. Having this kind of personality is so frustrating sometimes especially at work and in forming relationships. This is one of the reasons why I never ever entered romantic relationship even at the age of 23. My safe haven? Books and my room

Lol yeah, my friends would always said "I envy you so much! You never seem to have any problem in your life." Yeah, you never know, i can't even explain myself to you lool

People in the comment section says they cried. I cried watching it too. It’s very difficult to be like this. I feel like screaming and crying inside for people to see me/my feelings, but people think I am “so cool” and seem like I don’t give a shit with admiration. Now at the end of my 20s, I start to realise this was not true. I feel sadness. I feel so sad yet even I, have never seen it. I couldn’t even connfess to myself. This was my biggest handikap that I always had. Now I see it

My parents and their friends used to describe me being alone in a corner playing by myself and that I didn't care who would hug me as a baby. My parents told me that I didn't annoy them because I didn't cry as much as other children. The only annoyance I gave my parents was the fact that I was prone to vomit many times... Other than that, I was the 'good girl'.

I always wondered why people don't like it that I don't show emotions. I thought it would make me a simple and uncomplicated person to be with. As I found out about this I realized how suppressing emotions makes things more complicated. Emotions seem to be partly the language of relationships. Not showing them firstly hinders other people understanding your behavior but also makes your emotions sometimes come out uncontrolled. Because you are not used to showing emotions this is a thing thats makes you uncomfortable even more and you will eventually avoid relationships even more to avoid being in such situation again. Anyone feel the same?

This happened to me but then I also learned that no one really cared about my achievements either. My mom would severely punish me for bringing home bad grades though she never showed any interest in my being. I was just a grade producing robot to her. When I showed signs of independence, because I had to take care of myself, she would suppress that. I wasn't supposed to live at all. I was an unwanted child and I feel my parents both wished I hadn't been born.

During my childhood everyone (parents, classmates, teachers) used to tell me I was too sensitive and overreacted a lot. This is why now I suppress my feelings and try not to show weaknesses. (I’m 17)

Wow i'm finally a character in a animation

I agree. I'm an avoidant partner in my relationship. I numbed many emotions as a child, and now I'm finally able to Express them, so many years later. It's an eye opening experience.

Are these types of kids created by parents that takes care of the basic needs, but are emotionless?

Spent my whole life ( 22yo) trying to figure out how I tick and here it is in a 4 minute video on KZfaq

Thats crazy. Literally summed up all of my internal problems that I've been trying to understand for years. Honestly super glad I found this video. I am the class clown type. I get along with everyone and I'm very successful. I made my first friends in literal years last month even though they considered us friends already. I always felt detached from people and sometimes even from myself. I knew I was lacking something and thought i had depression or something. It messed me up for years. I feel so numb sometimes it really sucks. I go from happy to numb at school to the point that people call me a robot. I envy people who feel emotions. I dont know if I will ever truly "feel" emotions everything just seems like a mask I put on. And I'm really hard on myself to the point where I hate myself. Even if it the smallest thing from my face to hair to how I act. Music is the only thing that makes me feel anything. Thanks for making this video honestly changed my mindset and gave me hope and thanks to anyone who reads this.

I love your voice. Hearing it is very therapeutic and makes me feel okay.

It’s so crazy when u have one parent that literally ignored you and another that did everything for you but they don’t like stressful/emotional situations…

Love the illustrations...

This is is extremely accurate. It made me cry

I never would have said my parents were emotionally neglectful (and I think they would be shocked if you suggested that they were), but this is so painfully, utterly, completely me that it hurts to look at. You're describing a person who is so.. so me. I'm.. a little stunned, to be honest. I wish I'd figured this out before the age of 33, it would have saved me so, so, so much heartache.

I dated this baby

This is one of the best channels. My husband and I found it yesterday and we've been fascinated

I cried watching this, so spot on

I just started reading “The Body Keeps the Score”, and had just started the portion on childhood brain development when I suddenly had everything I learned back in high school psych hit me. I found your video and it has really confirmed my hunch: my mother had always seemed so distant from her father, and I really do believe that her insecure attachment came to the table in our relationship. My insistence from a young age about “doing things on my own”, the shutting-down of my emotions and being told that showing expression would have me taken away from my family (by my father), the achievement-oriented mindset and people-pleasing to a fault. The pre-adolescent tendency to isolate myself and fear of emotional commitment. All of it. This has really been a lot to process, but thank you for sharing this resource. I plan to now go to a therapist with this information, insurance allowing.

I think focusing on achievements is a way to cope with feeling unseen, not that worthy or just to change the environment. Because I grew up poorly and as a child I linked money and stuff to their bad behaviour and focused on improving myself therefore to get a better life later on. As a child you don't know why your parents behave in that way. And you link it to your own behaviour. Often they blame things on you. Instead of knowing that they have personal things that they didn't overcome. But your attachment style can change with awareness of patterns and good experiences!.

I relate to this ... Had/have a narcissistic father and unstable/depressed mother

I do have a avoidant personaly disorder and this is very very accurate.

That's me! If i knew this 2 years ago i wouldn't have messed up my life so much. Set on a long emotional voyage to find out what was wrong with me. High academic performance but zero emotional satisfaction. Oh my...... I'm 22 and broken

If you have an anxious attachment style you will be drawn to them and end up in an unhealthy relationship that is hard to break free from. Pick a secure partner.

This is how I've always felt.

I used to ask for help, but my math teacher would respond like I inconvenienced her... so I'd stop asking for help. I noticed the smart kids were championed and used as examples often by the teacher, friends, and other parents, so instead of asking for help, I tried really hard to learn the content and did well, but this experience has directed me through life in so many ways...

Going through a breakup with an avoidant is really painful. I feel so bad for them. It’s horrible.

So sad, that this happens. I see alot has to do with environment and what happens to a person shapes them to who the become . Good video! Straight to the point!

I feel like I might have this attachment style a lot of times I tend to put up a wall between me and people emotionally, I guess because I'm too embarrassed and shy to show people my real personality and feelings. Idk a lot of times I feel like I don't make proper connections with people because of it, but I'm going to try and work on it, btw your voice is very calming :), thank you for this video.

You have an amazing way of explain psychology. Clear, to the point, factual, great work.

I feel very conflicted about this because I think I partially developed this style, not completely but in a great extent, when I was younger I was told several times that I cried too much and whenever I decided to show my true emotions I was ridiculized and underestimated, sometimes by my own family, by teachers and so on. I learnt in a very early stage in life that most of the times you have to play the game in order to survive, obviously I’m well driven and have all the confidence to get what I want in terms of materialism or career but I don’t know how to handle my emotions very well, I loathe feeling vulnerable but I hate even more to SHOW vulnerability,whenever I need to cry I never let myself cry in front of anybody, I look myself at the mirror and say “Not everybody deserves your tears”. I like people relying on me but I hate asking for anything, I prefer to be the one helping instead of being the one helped. I can also be aloof, unsympathetic and condescending that sometimes I forget that I have pretended for so long the character that it’s in me which is not helpful since I hate to feel compromised, loath when people want to know more about me or want to force themselves into my personal space, did I mention that I need a lot of time to be alone by myself?. the thing is, that once all those material goals are achieved, you'll start to feel disconected with the real world, bored and sometimes you will feel like you don't know what to do with yourself and since you don't have meaningful relationships whatsoever you'll find yourself trying to fill that void with sex, work or whatever else which is not gonna solve the problem, hence we need to start sorting out life at least little by little. I’ve excersiced some of my weakness and have relaxed a little bit, hey It's not easy at all, I hurts like a bitch and you cannot stop it one day just because you wanted and felt that day particularly good, don't fool yourself. I moved abroad and the mindset and lifestyle is more in accordance of my way of being but I also felt like I got a new start, I feel more confident but not condescending, reserved but not aloof and sometimes I have to remind me that I’m being too hard on myself and need to relax, this year has been great but I still have a lot to work on but I really hope everybody that has been through this, can overcome it and learn that the future generations children need to be hugged a lot, listened to a lot and of course to be loved immensely, I’m not sure about wanting them in my life yet but hell would I want my children to endure all of these situations without them knowing that I’d love them immensely and support them. Best wishes for everybody ❤.

Thank you so much for this video! Something prompted me to go back and research attachment styles again and I feel like I'm having a big breakthrough in how I perceive the world and my place in it. I really connected with the illustration of the kid being pleased with making his own food, I was always more comfortable making meals for myself, even at big family events I would be more comfortable eating the left-overs a few hours after everyone else had left the table when I could just do things for myself.

This is so accurate to me and my inner self-my inner self that I desperately try to hide-it’s terrifying. I was just mouth agape, as I listened to you, sentence after sentence, describing my innermost feelings and holes in my psyche. You are brilliant. I wish I could do counseling with you.

I knew before I'm an avoidant type. I've seen myself acting different and getting affection in a different way than some of my friends and I was curious to find out why. Since then, even though I'm still avoidant, I made improvements about my self worth and accepting myself and my needs as well. I could see myself now being avoidant but with some secure behaviors. I love the fact that I found your channel today. It's very easy and clear to listen to your videos. Thank you!🙏🏻 :)

I have this type of attachment style. Growing up, I was often described as the good girl since I was always calm, quiet and did everything by myself with minimal help. My parents never had to remind me to do my homework or study. They didn't necessarily need to help me with my studies. I sorta did most of the work by myself. I want to open up and be vulnerable but when I actually do, I always feel horrible afterwards. I feel like being vulnerable makes me very weak and even more prone to pain. My parents did their best to raise us. They were just always so busy with work and taking care of my little brother that they almost never had enough time for me. We rarely eat together nor even have any meaningful conversations. They just made sure I had my physical needs met. They thought that as long as I was physically healthy then I'm fine. It didn't help that I got bullied at school a lot but I just eventually learned to suck it up. I had no one to confide in and at times when I get upset I would be called selfish for only thinking about my feelings. That's how I learned that no one really cares how I feel so why bother?

I would think fr my whole life that theres no point in expressing my feelings to others. At times of desperation, the inability to express my feelings is really frustrating

I was quiet as a baby. My dad died when I was 3, living my mom with 3 kids. I'm the eldest. My mom was always busy working which made her emotionally unavailable. So I always have to fend for myself to not cause trouble to my mom. I've always been highly independent. I grew up to be a high achiever with few friends. And I struggled a lot with romantic relationships since I push anyone who even dare try climb my walls. 😢 But I'm ok now, I'm engaged to a person with secure attachment style. And I'm trying to be not as avoidant anymore. It's hard for the both of us but we're working it out. And he's so understanding.

Very well said! I'm convinced that my now ex boyfriend has this disorder! 😐 It's so frustrating for the other person because we try so hard to show them that we care and truly love them. But the slightest discomfort (physically and or verbally), they run, or avoid you like the plague! My now ex boyfriend just ended things by ghosting me. As hurtful as it is, I'm kind of glad because I can't live the rest of my life walking on eggshells!

Bravo !!! I have never seen any thing as clear and well put about attachment !

never have I ever been so called out

At the beginning of this year, the man whom I revered as my best friend, abandoned and betrayed me. In an instant, just like that, out of the blue... He discarded and replaced me. I guess it wasn't real friendship. I'd like to say it must have been love... But really, it must have been a trauma bond. It's been over 8 months, and I'm still healing... REMINDER TO SELF: Life/LOVE is just trying so hard, doing its very best to wake you up, out of the prison cell... You don’t even know you're in!

Thank you Jacob. I'm nearly 39 and just figuring out why i attracted toxic relationships. You're videos are really helping me to understand. I score ambivalent attachment but can relate to being avoidant.

Thank you! One of the better videos about avoidant attachment. Very insightful, objective yet compassionate. Make More!!!

I've been on a healing journey for some time. It's good to finally receive this information. So, it can finally reveal itself to me.

The song the fits Avoidant attached people is "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson among others.

On a slightly more wholesome note than the other comments here, as an avoidant myself. On the classroom scenario I would act just like in the video, but I also managed to get pretty close to one of my friends at the time, and would whisper my questions to him, and he would ask them to the teacher. Also, whenever the teacher said something like "that's a nice question", he would go "It's her question actually!". He was a great friend

I hate having the avoidant attachment style. It sucks even more being introverted. While it all stems from childhood trauma, it’s something I’m working to overcome now that I’ve recognised it.

This clearly defines both my childhood and my life, in all regards. Thank you for the video, your explanations are really cool and they help me on my way to know myself so that I can find the tools to be and have a better, or perhaps I should say, to heal my "self".

watching this while secretly crying hits differently

When I go to school, I'm automatically joyful, even tho, when I'm sitting at the bus I repeat and reapet over to show my actual self and try getting help, but as soon as I see the people I'm friends with, I just snap into joyful mode

The human condition! Amazing job Jacob and Thomas!

For your healing process I suggest to learn to spot narcissistic people. They will always hurt you when you are being vulnerable. My parents use to do this all the time. So if you really want to heal and being yourself as a human, be prepared because some people just wanna see you down.

I am 21 years old. I have never had a real, close friendship or an emotional relationship at all. I avoid talking about anything personal or the closest person and share my problems with him. I always felt like he was weak. One day I saw a girl crying at university. My reaction was that I laughed and tried with difficulty to hide my laughter. It seemed as if I had no feelings. But in truth, I feel disgusted by showing weakness and tears in front of others. I have now discovered that I am an avoidant personality.

Wow you just described me at 27 years old... it hurts because I know how painful my childhood was when my dad was never there.

I never knew I was avoidant until I saw this holy fuck

its so good to listen and relate but also see all the comments and realise i am not alone in this. Its like i always knew i am like this but i have never known any different but it is effecting my relationship so much and its so confusing because i want to connect more and be open with my feelings but its so hard. Hiding away is so easy and feels normal but yet i want to be vulnerable so much it hurts. If anyone has any advice or anything that has helped or even just wants to chat please reach out to me!

Wow. Blown away by how accurate this is.

I know this is what I am

These animations are so good - very emotional.

Wow loved how you explained this ! Your method is so different than others, I’m a visual learner so this resonated with clearly ! Thank you. So much ! 🙏🏾♥️

This is so spot on. I'm crying.

This video made me cry because that was me.

you described me from head to toe

i am happy i found this video, i've been a class clown-loner type of person on a weird way, i wouldn't talk to a person if they didn't pursue me but if i becoma friends with a person i am extremely comfortable on that friendship. I feel like i have so many friends but not so much close friends. I've caught feelings for a girl who are in the same friend group as me. We really get along, we are talking and laughing all the time, i have some 'clues' that i think she has feelings for me too but i can not accept the fact that somebody loves me. I wouldn't say i am a good looking person or a bad looking person, just above the average, i feel like i am a smart and a sensefull person but i have that "why would anyone love me?", "I'm not the person to be loved" thoughts all over my head. I expressed my feelings to a one person about her to help me think about it but i instantly regretted it, although that person did nothing after i expressed my feeling i feel like it should've been best not to do it. This video helped me much and gave me new ways to think, Thank you.

This video is great, so smart and accurate! Thanks!

Thank you so much for your work, Dr. Ham. Your work is appreciated. Not only this video but many of yours are great content videos. I look forward to your new video in the future, 🙏🙂

it’s so weird watching a video explain exactly how you are. idek how i got to this video but many it’s a sign i should change 😅

I feel called out XD this was very "me" as a child. I've gotten better with expressing my emotions over time, but still..

Wow, thanks for clarifying. This video was great!

your voice sounds so comforting it makes me sad :((

😭😭 you have just described my entire life and I tend to over share and over compensate then punish myself silently after that. I expect everyone to leave. N I don't ask for help

Dont know why i love this video so much

I feel like this describes someone I’m dating, and it’s like deep down they’re soft and actually very affectionate, but there’s a wall up

My best guess is these people also are often parentified, at a young age (or can be) with a narcissistic parent or an otherwise absent parent (e.g. one cold, aloof narcissist mother and an alcoholic father, who "checks out" a lot) and these kids may also grow up to fear any attachment that equals additional burden (as a caretaker) because they were over-burdened as both their own parent and/or a parent's caretaker, in youth. Abandonment issues -- especially emotional abandonment -- are likely big issues for them. And some do not want children, because that would mean more fear of attachment to someone who will either leave or reject or burden them. Perhaps even avoidant attachment style individuals have children, seeking some reflection they lacked from a parent, but that's a horrible thing to do to a child, and would be a form of abuse/neglect, passing on the cycle.

It's the first time in my life I relate to a video on this level

Best info on this topic!!! Amazing

I always, my entire life, wondered why I could never feel empathy for someone. Why couldn't I cry after watching a very, very sad movie even though half the theater including my family was. I understood what was going on, but nothing in me actually made me feel like I had the need to cry. It's almost like my mind is always automatically suppressing any emotions I might have deep inside. It sucks because I want to be emotionally available for people, especially my partner and friends. But I can't, I don't have control. And I probably never will. And that only makes me hate myself even more. Well, thanks for that childhood...

My mother (who I finally walked away from last year at 61 years old), had a host of party stories about me that she would drag out in mixed company and sometimes just to remind me she was a parent who paid attention. For example: how when she tried to hold me I laid stiff in her arms, how she'd pinch me to make me cry (I imagine to get some kind of reaction? out of me); she got a kick out of that one, and the time I called her a mean old woman; which in my mind is an honest assessment but also likely a fabrication because my mother is a malignant narcissist with Machiavellian tendencies, and despite what she told me my grade school teachers said about me in parent/teacher conferences...I wasn't a stupid; I learned early how to dodge the balls, although often it didn't matter anyway.

I am definitely avoidant!

Thank you for putting this into words so well. You made it really interesting and easy to understand, and you have a very nice voice. I hope now that I am learning about these things I'll be able to connect with people better

Very good. Explains me.

This was very very helpful thank you so much for sharing!!! Your voice is very soothing!

I have been used, controlled and dominated by my narcissistic mother from very young age and now i have trauma relating to my mother, i always keep my guard up, i shouldn't be vulnerable and i should have to show that im superior than everyone because otherwise i would be controlled and dominated. I have issues regarding to girls, for example, fear of undermined, get mocked and used etc. Becase my mother used to mock me make fun of me and judge me the harshest ways i.e body shaming, when i show interest to girls i.e. She did take control anything related to me from physical to psyhcological, her need to control her son is ruined my life as now im 23 old, i can't connect with people, i undermine people so much that i just talk to them to show myself that she is in me, but then i will not be interested in her so that i show how much im unemotional and strong and dominate and take control the situation, so to not get dominated, i have to be the one that dominate the other one and not give in to her. Otherwise the trauma respond kicks in and i see the girl as she is my mother (this is on emotional level) and i gave the same response that i would gave to my toxic mother. Being superior and dominant person so that i wouldn't lose my character and freedom to her and that means i show no emotion, no interest, no response to her. I treat her like how i would treat to my toxic mother, i would be defensive and harsh, i would try to minimise any contact with her, i would see her as she is the abuser of me. It was very short time that i realised this pattern of mine, i try to be as vulnerable as possible especially around girls because i wouldn't even talk to a girl just because the fear of abuse (on emotional level, my trauma response to my mother extends to every girl) all the traumatic responses kicks in when a social situation includes girls happening, i would be extremely avoidant to contact on every level and disinterested to them, and see them as low than me (actually, this is my response to my mother, but somehow my brain analysis this to every girl i encounter). And one specific thing that i noticed, when i'm in trauma mode, i don't sense my self, i only sense the fear and the anger inside of me and i have one emotional response to these feelings, "resist, resist to her". She f*cked up my life and my brain. But i will get through all this and find my true sense of self, the vulnerable self. Not the one the traumatised.

I can't believe you described my life through this baby-

your videos are awesome, thanks for the explanations!

why everyone needs others to survive?i just feel like im uncomfortable when i need or have to rely on someone