That happened to me last year. I managed to stay clean for 5 months completely off opiates for 4 months 2 weeks. I was proud of myself but not happy. I did my 28 days and then 7 weeks of IOP. I stopped going a week before I graduated. People thought I relapsed but I just couldn’t bring myself to go and my anxiety and body felt weak for some reason. The bad air quality was bad and I got blood work done and had high white blood cell count. I would smoke THC or edibles to help. It really helped and not too relapse. I stopped smoking too and finally found a job. 3 weeks in I relapsed. I’ relapsed mid October got clean may 10 2023. April of this year I joined a methadone program and found a better job and the most I’ve been paid hourly. It was going until I found out I had to go to jail for 20 days for not finishing my community service hours. Stopped working and going to the methadone program. Bc I didn’t turn myself in I now have a warrant. I’m still going to turn myself in but I’m stuck in that freeze zone. I have no friends. Barely any family support. My mom is very good at reminding me what I should’ve done. It’s been like that since I was little. I still see a psychiatrist since I left rehab but no therapist. My psychiatrist is the same person I was seeing in rehab. I couldn’t find one so he gave me a referral to see him. I have a 5 year old and last week my mom made my mother in law turn against me as well and said she’s going to take custody. I just see moms defending their kids and my mom just likes talking about all the bad and not what I’ve been trying to do. My methadone program still calls me bc they know how little support I have. My baby’s father passed away. He was shot and killed in Chicago. His mom became supportive since then but since I’ve been rocky with my mom for the past month. She said something her. I’m talking about this mom that has drowned me, chocked me, slapped me, broken my phone many times. Obviously I’ve been paying for my phone since she last did that when I was 18. I’m 28 now. I’ve forgiven her every time. I heard her say to my dad that kids need apologize not parents apologizing to their kids. The reason why my in law is was supportive is bc her son introduced to me drugs. I tried helping him I really did but I guess u can’t save a growing man he will only drown u. And the only reason he told me he was using was bc I was ready to leave him and take our daughter. She was only 3 months. I felt a relief he was cheating but it still hurts that he did that while I was pregnant. I always maintain employment even when I was 38 weeks pregnant. The relationship I have with my daughter is great. I can’t say I’m good mom but I’m not a bad mom. I know hurting myself this way hurts her. And I need help but not sending me away help. I need someone by my side other than my 5 year old. Which has help tremendously she’s my best friend and I’m her best friend. But obviously I can’t speak to her about big grown up problems. My mom has this thing that says my daughter is spoiled. Excuse me? She doesn’t have her father and she has an addict of a mom, how is that spoiled? I still gave her a present for Mother’s Day and she did too. But we kind of just left it by each others bed. She wants me out the house but I’m there bc my dad is the who pays and I’m ok with my dad. Always reminding me what I’m gonna do when she dies. Why not something like you’ll be ok I’ve raised good enough that u can manage on your own. Mind u she’s been telling me this since I was 13 years old that I can leave. And I did leave when I was 19. Returned when my partner passed. I find myself in my car a lot like rn.

Yeah, I totally agree. It's the adapting to a new lifestyle that I'm working hard on right now. Change is so slow sometimes but learning to love the process has proven to be key for me. Thank you so much for watching and your comment :) how long have you been clean/sober?

Wow, thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable. Glad you are here :) much love!

​@@annabarram I've been clean from drugs (cocaine and opiates) for almost 3 years. I've been sober for 1 year from alcohol but as I said, it took many years of relapsing to be able to do that...I wanted to stop but always got pulled back because this stuff is POWERFUL and you have to change your whole life and perspective to get off it. It's pretty common to relapse in those early years. These days I don't desire drugs or alcohol, it's as if my brain has finally processed that it's no longer a viable option. I accept that they will kill me if I touch them again so I treat them like the poison they are and don't let them near me physically or mentally. Addiction blinds you to the point that you can't understand it until you get out but even when you get out you can still be in it mentally. There's a scene in a horror film called '1408' about an evil room in a hotel that tortures the people who stay in it and won't let them leave. In the scene the main character has a dilusion that he's escaped the room and he's back to living a normal life in the outside world...but at some point the illusion breaks and it turns out he's still in the room and he screams 'I was out! I was out!' ...That's a pretty good metaphor for addiction. I've seen people relapse after 7 years, even 20 years with lives ruined or gone. You have to make sure you are out 100% and you stay out for good. Do not relax, be vigilant with yourself at all times and you might stay sober. If you're bored, find something to engage you, something with real meaning. Meaning is the antidote to chaos.

This is rigorous honesty right here. 🙌🏻

Ahhhh this is so affirming to hear. In early sobriety it's been really hard for me to let go of these "party time periods" of my life. I hate that it's so hard for me to let go of them and I have to work hard at it. So it's so affirming and encouraging to hear your perspective because you're so right. Thank you so much for watching and commenting, I appreciate you! :) much love!!

@@annabarram Also try to keep in mind that we tend to romanticize the old times. There is a reason you wanted to quit that lifestyle. I might be wrong, but I'd guess you had quite a lot of moments of regrets and feelings of ''wasn't worth it'' afterwards. There is also a self destructive (maybe even self hating) part of ourselves that sometimes likes to whisper in our ears ''hey, let's just say fk it and go back to all of it''. I'm just talking about myself, I don't know you, but hey, maybe it rings a bell. Also keep in mind that lifestyle tends to age humans A LOT FASTER (alcohol and drugs), so there is that as well.

@@fufu1405 Oh it for sure rings a bell. You are spot on. I have to be intentional about identifying memories of despair and regret, as you mentioned. That helps give me a better and more accurate memory of that time period. It was fast and exciting but it was filled with despair and loneliness.

Such a succinct, great way to put it. I appreciate you! Thanks for watching and commenting, it means so much to me. Much love :)

Aww thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement so much! And thank you for the support of watching :) means a lot.

This is so helpful to hear about your own experience. When did you get sober? I think you're right that learning to appreciate the boredom is a skill I'll have to cultivate. Thank you for watching and commenting :)

Yeah, I totally feel you. I lost everything too but that pushed me into actually getting help. If I hadn't lost everything I would probably be out there still and addicted. Thank you for your encouragement and wise words. I appreciate it more than you know! Much love :)

@@annabarram it was extremely hard at first to enjoy all the outdoor activities I enjoyed before twenty years of drug addiction. I started eliminating toxic people from my life (non drug using “friends”) who enjoyed reminding me of my flaws. I started praying and believing God has a bigger plan. I am now the happiest I’ve ever been and grateful for all my blessings. Guard your sobriety and eliminate any toxicity in your life. A time of transformation is when the Devil will try to get inside your head and convince you to fall back into your old ways. Your future is worth the struggle. Drug addiction is an extremely difficult job. Use your extra resources that would’ve been used up for the future and occasionally treat yourself! I have Faith in you.

Natia! Thank you for watching and commenting. So happy to hear from you :) It's SO hard to stop. I found that it was easier to stop once I hit rock bottom. Before that I found reasons to tell myself that "it's not that bad". Wouldn't recommend hitting rock bottom but it's what made me stop drinking/using. I didn't want to stop even at rock bottom but had to. Anyway, I'm here if you need support! Like you said, you'll get there when you're ready. Much love my friend :)

Wow, this is so encouraging. Congrats to your husband on 21 years! Thank you so much for your comment and the advice. I take it to heart :) Appreciate you, Molly.

HAHAHA I'm so glad someone can relate to this early sobriety and boredom struggle. And thank you 🙏 it's been a journey! Whereabouts are you located btw?

@@annabarram i kind of hop from Colorado to Nebraska not only because of work but family as well!! I’m currently in Nebraska! Hby?? 😁

@@Slayer-7373 ohhhh that's cool! I'm in Portland, OR :)

@@annabarram nice!!! I’ve actually been out in OR a couple times with my buddies, super chill state ✌🏻.

THANK YOU!!! hahaha yes celibate nun...glad that resonated.

Congrats on 18 months!!! That's incredible. Yeah for a while there it felt like there was absolutely no relief from feeling sober and miserable. Didn't matter how many meetings I hit or coping skills I used. Still felt uncomfortable and depressed and wanted to use. It's so cool to see someone who is happy and sober 18 months. How have you been able to stay sober and like enjoy life?

@annabarram yea no doubt. It was a lot of god doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I had two REALLY big experiences that I share in my story constantly but they were all like stepping stones of this divine process of me letting go of control. Service was something that showed me how to get out of myself for others. I actually started a meeting in my hometown. On our native american reservation. Which is in a "recovery grey zone" from what people in my district told me. I just left from there a few hours ago actually. But I just do what I can I guess. But it's pretty wild. I'm sponsoring now and it's become pretty integral for me. I have a family that loves me( my 6 year old and gf) as well as my friends in recovery. Plus I have fun (going to concerts/raves, do game nights, go to sober parties) if you have any questions or anything I'd be happy to give you my email. But please keep doing these videos. They're inspiring and sooo fucking relatable 👏

Oh a fellow Portlander!?! Whereabouts? Thank you for your kind words and support, it means everything to me. And thanks for watching and leaving a comment, I love connecting with people and especially since you're nearby! much love :)

listen to me that song is depressing

OMG I love that you listen to that song when you feel sad and lonely. I'm gonna start doing that too! Wow, since 10? Congrats on being sober for 4 months 💛 you're not alone in this journey and I'm here to support in any away that I possibly can. So much love to you.

Thank you so much! I appreciate the encouragement and kind words. It means everything. :) so much love!

Wow, thank you so much for your encouragement and kind works! I'm so uplifted by your comments. Did you stay sober after rehab? I have found that the longer people can stay in rehab the better their chances are at staying sober. Impressed you stayed for a whole year that's awesome. Thanks again for your support, it means the world :) much love!

That's so encouraging to hear and I'm SO glad it's been helpful to you. We DO recover :) Thank you for watching and commenting it means the world to me 💛🙏

I LOVE THAT THOUGHT!!! Thank you so much sharing this. It resonates and is to helpful to hear. Thank you for watching and commenting too, I really really appreciate it. So much love :) how long have you been sober?

Congrats on 2 months this coming Tuesday!!! That's awesome!! Thanks for sharing where you're at, it's so nice knowing that I'm not alone. Would love to stay connected to share advice/tips you have or that I have on how to overcome boredom and other stuff in early sobriety. Much love my friend :) thanks for watching and commenting!

I'm so happy to hear it was interesting for you to listen to. Thank you so much for watching and commenting. Even though I don't know you, it means a lot. How is your recovery going? No pressure to respond but want to support if I can. Much love :)

Oh wow we're like in the same boat!! I'm sorry you're dealing with this sh*t but it's honestly comforting to know that I'm not alone. I can totally relate to staying sober because of the bad stuff that happened from using. I forget sometimes how bad it was and only romanticize my drug use. So yes, absolutely feel you on that. How has being clean/sober been going for you? And did you go to treatment or just stop using on your own? 6 months is a big deal too, congrats!! And thank you, my dog is nuts like me but he is adorable I love him. Glad he's out on KZfaq now for other people to enjoy his cuteness. Much love my friend :)

Such an amazing and poignant quote. It hits me hard too. How has it been going being clean for 8 years? Did things get better after the first year? I totally feel like the toughest thing has been to say goodbye to relationships, lifestyle, routines, etc. and have to rebuild new ones that at first I haven't been super excited about but have grown to love. Thank you so much for your comment and for watching :) much love!

Thank you so much for watching and also commenting!!! I appreciate it more than you know. So glad that this idea you found helpful. It's SO hard to do but it's been a helpful practice for me to do. Seems to help me get stronger in sobriety. So much love to you :)

Thank you for the tip!! What kind of photography are you into? Thanks for watching and commenting!! much love :)

Love this advice. I do feel so much better when I'm in nature. I appreciate you! Thanks for commenting and watching :) much love!

Cultivating....:) How long you been sober? Appreciate the comment!

@@annabarram 11 yrs sober after 5 rehabs and homelessness

UGH I FEEL YOU. Congrats on 37 days!!! That's awesome!! How is it going so far? The struggle is so real with relapse and trying to find a community of sober/clean people you actually enjoy hanging out with. I feel like I'm totally rediscovering myself and people I like and don't like. And it's so hard. Let me know if I can do anything to support you! So much love :)

@@annabarram Simply showing an interest is support enough. I have to say things are good when I look back at how I was in my relapse. I was sober about 7 months and...idk...I relapsed and can't tell you a specific reason. I just really try to focus on all the little things I have. Be glad to support you any way I can too!

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight on this :) it's helpful to hear about your experience that's a different route that's working for you. I'd imagine that working in the music industry would be constant entertainment/chaos lol. What do you do exactly with music? Thanks again for watching and commenting, it means a lot :) much love!!

Thank you! I appreciate that a lot. I'm so happy to connect with you! Are you sober too?

@@annabarram only for a few weeks, it's been rough

@@lukejamieson1267 ughhhh I feel that so so hard. But seriously that's fucking great that you've been sober for this long. Congrats, for real. Are you doing ok? Lemme know how I can be a support.

@@annabarram aww thank you, yes I'm okay at the moment, you're already doing plenty by just making videos about this kind of thing, nice to know that whatever were going through were not doing it alone

@@lukejamieson1267 totally get it. This can be really isolating and connecting with people helps me a lot. So glad you found my channel so we can connect!

Great advice! Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it! And thanks for watching :) it's really encouraging as I continue forward on this journey. Love how you said, "you WILL adjust". You're so right and it's so helpful to hear that. Much love!

omg weekends are the worst...I'm most depressed on weekends because I know what I'm missing out on because I used to be doing those exact same things. How long you been sober for?

I’ve been sober for 3 months. The flatline really is one of the hardest things to deal with. Cuz sometimes the rollercoaster seems like it’s more fun than the calm waters.

@@TheWeekendYogurt Congrats on 3 months! That's a big deal. Yeah flatline is tough because I literally just feel like nothing inside...total apathy. I've been trying to say it out loud to someone though which seems to help. Like "damn I feel nothing". It helps to talk through it because then I can move through it and past it, one flatline moment at a time.

Being able to express it and realize there’s nothing wrong with oneself helps a lot

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement!! I appreciate this so much. Congrats on 2 years!!! That is amazing :) how has it been going since making it to 2 years sober, for you? Thanks again for watching and commenting, it means a lot to me to have support as I move forward in this journey :) much love!

@@annabarram of course!! It's had it's ups and downs for sure. First year was really rough. Second year was easier because I had established some new positive habits and was able to stay busy! It's so extraordinarily difficult to get through the boredom stage. Thank you for being open minded enough to seek out some help, that takes a lot of strength! The best advice I can offer is this, if you do find yourself in a relapse don't give up on yourself. Recognize what's happened, take care of yourself and start again. It's not the end. Just be gentle with yourself! Good luck to you!

@@PoliteAsFuck77 beautiful advice, wow. Thank you so much my friend. Any insight or thoughts you have are always welcomed and I look forward to hearing your advice throughout this journey I'm on. Thank you thank you thank you!!!! :) much love.

@@annabarram we're in this together man! There'll be bumps in the road just navigate the best you can and don't beat yourself up!

@@PoliteAsFuck77 This is great advice, I love it. Looking forward to continuing to support each other through this journey my friend!! :)

Oh damn, really?? how long have you been sober? I used to live in a studio with my dog and it was so hard. I can't imagine doing it sober.

@@annabarram 289 days.

Right?!?! I stopped trying to date because I was like what's the point. Single and sober video will be up next! And if you have any other video requests don't hesitate to let me know.

I think a video on your experience of process addictions would be interesting because for example social media like Instagram is a huge trigger for me.

@@TheWeekendYogurt ok, I'll get to work!! did you go to rehab?

No just meetings but I wouldn’t mind the experience of rehab I think.

I'm going to write that down on a sticky note to have on my bathroom mirror so I don't forget. Thank you 🙏

WOW! thank you for taking the time to comment with your in-depth thoughts and this great advice! I love hearing about how you had the thought of whether you were still pushing through physiological changes, and the awareness to even wonder that. It's a good reminder to get outside of myself too. I tend to intellectualize things (as you keenly noticed, lol) and get inside of my own head. So doing things to help others needs to be a constant goal for me. How long have you been sober? Thanks again for taking the time to provide your insight. It's incredibly encouraging and helpful :) much love!

LOL Estoy muy loco, sí, amigo mío. GRACIAS por comentar y mirar, significa todo. Mucho amor :)

I have learned that so many addicts have "little" trauma or complex-PTSD like you said. I totally have complex-PTSD as I discovered in the in-patient treatment program I went to. Thanks for shedding light on this, it's so good to keep in mind. Are you sober too? Thanks for commenting and watching, appreciate you! :)

Difficult though if you can’t do any of those things

@@Rise-and-Shine333 Can’t do? But you can find time to get drunk in your house?

@@nicolem889 what!! Its not about time it’s about what people have the ability to do. I was talking about people that have illnesses and disabilities. Wow, getting sober wasn’t a very humbling experience for you was it. I’ve been sober 10 years. I was referring to those that have no choice but to stay in their house and face the boredom like I’ve had to.

@@nicolem889 wow not a very humbling experience for you was it being an addict. I was referring to people that “cant” yes through illness and disabilities. I’ve been sober 10 years and I couldn’t just go out and do outdoor activities when boredom set in. I faced the boredom as I had no choice. You could try thinking about the bigger picture instead of judging other people through the eyes of your own journey to sobriety.

@@nicolem889 you’ve got two replies because the first didn’t show up so I thought it was deleted.

Ugh I'm trying to figure out what sober people do for fun too! Any ideas so far? Maybe I'll try some stuff out and see what I can find and then make a video about it. How long have you been sober for? Thanks for watching and commenting!!! :) much love!

Ugh, right? How are you doing being sober? Thanks for watching and commenting :)

Thank you! 💛 I appreciate that so much. And thank you for watching, I really appreciate the support. Congrats on creating such a helpful channel for your audience. It's really cool to see people genuinely helping others :) much love!!

WORD :)

Noted!

HAHA I have never smoked or vaped (no idea how I didn't get into nicotine but I didn't for some reason), but I feel like vaping would be really hard to quit?

@@annabarram well you dodged a bullet not adding smoking to your vices. It is extremely hard to quit. I’ve swapped one method (smoking) of destroying my body for another (vaping). And I’m more hooked now than I was before. I seldomly contemplate quitting but I find myself imagining how boring things would be if I do. Congrats on quitting alcohol, it is by far the hardest drug to quit.

@@SKRIBLR Damn, it sounds impossible to quit vaping...what about vaping makes life more fun? LMK if there's anything I can do to help encourage or support you 💛

@@annabarram nah vaping doesn’t make life more fun. I do it all the time so removing vaping out of the equation would feel like something is missing from my life. The moments where I’m not doing much are the moments I vape the most. So I find myself wondering how I would fill that time up without vaping… and it feels as though it would be boring! Thanks, I will do! And if you can quit the hardest drug to stop doing then I’m sure I’ll be able to quite nicotine when I’m truly ready.

@@SKRIBLR Awwww gotcha, that makes sense! That's a big deal you quit the most detrimental drug first, one thing at a time. Thanks again for the dialogue, love connecting with you.

Yes, and I am one of those people lol. Extremes have always been how I've lived my life. Now I'm trying to strive for "50" instead and it's hard but so rewarding. Are you sober? Are extremes hard for you too? Thank you for watching and commenting :) much love!

@@annabarram no I enjoy alcohol and weed but it doesnt come negatively affect my life or goals. Mostly just triggers people that are useless unless totally sober lol

@@okrodeo Oh yeah I totally get that! It's crazy that drugs and alcohol can completely debilitate some people and not affect others at all. Thanks for your comment :) much love!!

Thank you so much for watching and commenting! This is so helpful and encouraging. Appreciate you!! Much love my friend :)

Yes, I am in the program. And I appreciate that advice from your own experience!! I'm trying to focus on myself at this point and staying the course. How long have you been sober now? Thanks again for your advice and for watching!

@@annabarram A couple of months since that last hard week. I'll never go back to a detox or rehab again. I would rather consider what I do is a suggestion. Just be the best you, you can be.

@@ShadesOClarity 💛🙏 thank you :)

Oh really? What's her name? I love goldens so so much!

@@annabarram Daisy

How did you take them and what kind of mushrooms? Thanks for the comment 💛

Shrooms helped me get off chemicals and alcohol. I don’t even smoke anymore. Growing has become a new hobbies for me so I try all kinds. My fav golden teachers for more spiritual trips and help me through shit. B+ for more social interactions ❤

Do you microdose or do you mean hero doses ? I do microdosing and find it very helpful to be productive

@@alexxx5749 I have a high tolerance so I like to take about 2-2.5g trip once every 6-8 weeks. And once a year I’ll do a 4/5g trip with my best friend. I don’t like microdosing and it messes up my bigger trips which I enjoy more but everyone is different. I don’t suggest taking more than 2.5g if you are not experienced. Starting with 1/1.5g is more than enough. But sometimes I can take 1g and hits me as hard as if I’ve taken 3 so very vibe and mood dependent I’d say as well, and also when I’m in a happier state of mind is best ❤

Haven't heard of that channel until now! Thanks for sharing. Definitely very similar. Are you sober too?

@@annabarram I'm sober, just stumbled upon your channels. Although I'll say this, yours seems a much more realistic journey!!! The boredom thing makes so much more sense to me a sober person though after you explained it. Good luck on your journey!!!

@@alexandramcpherson4189 awww thank you, Alexandra!!! How long have you been sober and how is it going? I'm so happy to connect with you and hear a little bit about you and your own journey. And I really appreciate the kind words and encouragement. Appreciate you :) much love

100% I wish I had realized this sooner

Oh that last sentence you wrote hit hard. Wow. That's so well-put. Thank you for watching and commenting, your thoughts are so spot on and helpful. Finding purpose is absolutely key to not only sobriety from drugs and alcohol but emotional sobriety too. I love your perspective on the party scene too. It helps to hear this over and over again, that in reality it looks so silly from the outside and that it's "a bunch of adults self-medicating". You're a great writer BTW and so well-spoken! Would love to hear more of your thoughts as I move along this journey. Much love :)

​@@annabarram thank you :) Also, I feel like emotional sobriety is one thing, but creating a life for yourself that is fun and interesting enough is the other aspect to lasting sobriety. And that means we have to work with the unloved inner child and make it smile again and dance together. :) To me, having not a chaotic as you put it, but an engaging life is the best relapse preventation once you notice with substances all you ever did was to dull and numb yourself, compared to what you can experience without it. IF you can deal with your unfiltered emotions that is. And this to me is the great learning experience. All we have to work with and to navigate by is the inner child which in most cases with addicts feels unwanted and unloved by default - and turning this around. plus a few adult controlling tools and last but not least our "shadow" which got a life of its own during the long periods of addiction and the absence of our genuine self. These are a few concepts I personally work with in my journey. If you like you can shoot me a dm on insta :)

@@thommymidgard3810 Yes! I actually just went to a retreat where we learned a lot about accessing our inner child. It was so insightful and eye-opening. I'd love to chat more if you want to dm me on IG @annatothebarram :) Always curious to learn how other people are making the most of sobriety and also digging deeper to find true meaning.

I feel you so hard on this. Totally open to chat. My IG is @annatothebarram if you want to DM me. In the meantime, here are some things I have found helpful: - Getting new friends. I found some solid new friends through AA (I did not want to do AA and I still have skepticism), but it took several months. I had to put in the work to develop these friendships but it's been SO worth it. - Trying out hobbies I used to think were dumb. This is so real. I'm not going rock-climbing and sh*t or anything, but I'm trying out hobbies (with like little investment time/money) which is cool because it's something novel and new. I should make a video about sober hobbies to get into it more. Thoughts? - Focusing on me. I've always been outwardly focused on dating or filling my time with other people. I'm trying to be intentional now about spending time with myself as if I were a close friends. Learning to like be my own best friend, like myself, and love myself. Hope this helps :) please reach out on IG if you want to chat more. Much. love!

Yes! My instagram is @annatothebarram. Would love to hear from you!