Cinematic Excrement: Episode 50

Cinematic Excrement: Episode 50 - The Host

Рет қаралды 89,272

Cinematic Excrement

10 жыл бұрын

Well, at least it can't possibly be worse than Twilight, right? Right?

Пікірлер: 505

@nanopanda Жыл бұрын

8 years later and the whole bit in this episode has better chemistry than any of Stephanie's writing.

@MortiferV 10 жыл бұрын

best "WARNING" ever.

@3Guys1Video 7 жыл бұрын

@Targisvear 3 жыл бұрын

I'm still thinking WHY the fake Latin in this one episode?

@CrimsonFox36 10 жыл бұрын

"It's called being in love" "It's called 'Stockholm Syndrome'" that was my favorite

@WobblesandBean 10 жыл бұрын

Still a better love story than Twili- ....oh, wait.

@roberttreacy8271 7 жыл бұрын

Amelia Bee 😂Good one!

@mikehawk4388 8 жыл бұрын

You're so fuckin' funny, dude. Even your old stuff with zero budget or actual cameras has that natural sense of humor and snark that can't be CG'd in. Some reviewers need a lot of effects and shit to be entertaining, but you're the real deal. It's 4:30AM and I can't stop binge-watching this show--keep up the great work, mate.

@MrNickTube1 8 жыл бұрын

I'm typing this 4:30 am and I think the same.

@SuperAwesomusMaximus 8 жыл бұрын

The Smeghead and the alien twilight fangirl? I'd ship that, OTP.

@BeardyYT 3 жыл бұрын

Your channel is criminally underrated! You deserve so much more recognition for your well written and witty AF reviews! Keep 'em coming!

@roryreviewer6598 9 жыл бұрын

The main problem with the movie for me was that literally none of the human characters were likeable, and we're obviously supposed to be rooting for them for the most part. So throughout the entire thing, the movie is trying to make me want a bunch of insufferable douchebags to win over an alien race that has achieved world peace... No thanks,

@PforPZ 9 жыл бұрын

***** Too me, I think the story should've been is that there is no villain on either side. Both sides want the best for the planet, but are fucking it up.

@grizzly_manbanimation8436 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah it’s kind of sad when the one you’re supposed to be rooting for is not the one you are rooting for it’s the supposed enemy. I say supposed for obvious reasons. Seriously these aliens have created a society that I want to live in unfortunately if I was there my soul (no pun intended) would be removed but that’s the only shortcoming

@RealParadoxBlues 10 жыл бұрын

"The Earth is at peace." The last Metroid is in captivity.

@phreakazoith2237 3 жыл бұрын

what could possibly go wrong?

@masterfarr8265 3 жыл бұрын

@@phreakazoith2237 Ridley: Sup bitches

@98953812 3 жыл бұрын

@@phreakazoith2237 Shut up, Bubsy. XD

@anarchomando7707 2 жыл бұрын

@@98953812 hell yeah dread is back

@Magikalic 10 жыл бұрын

Damn it, my favourite movie is the Host >:c Made in 2006. In South Korea. Damn it, now Meyer's taken the name of a really awesome monster thriller and turned it into this anti-human colonialistic, sexual assault by proxy mess. Also, the the Twilight novels Bella attempted to rape Edward twice, glad they decided to leave that out of the movies. Hell, in the books Charlie actually congratulates Jacob on assaulting his daughter and when they left it out of the film Meyer actually stormed out. She's also said several times that she's "anti-human" and thinks it's perfectly acceptable for her fictional "heros" to kill humans. It gets even creepier when you realise she's a mother. Fun fact: Meyer promised two sequels to the Host and hasn't done anything with it. She's stopped writing.

@seg162 10 жыл бұрын

...wait, isn't there such a thing as copyrights to TITLES, or something?

@allegedkurd 10 жыл бұрын

seg162 Actually, I don't think there is. I know for sure that book titles cannot be copyrighted in the US.

@seg162 10 жыл бұрын

Well, then, why the hell did Shymalan fret about it?

@allegedkurd 10 жыл бұрын

seg162 Yeah. That's like the Black Eyed Peas getting on some show and complaining about media piracy when they blatantly (and without authorization) steal other people's tunes for their samples

@dangurney1042 10 жыл бұрын

No wonder some people say the Twilight books are even worse than the movies!

@JeffreyDeCristofaro 3 жыл бұрын

Space Netflix... oh spare us the horror! And I can't help but think that inner female voice is exactly what coached Stephanie Meyer when she wrote the book.

@Lyendith 7 жыл бұрын

It's kinda sad, because this movie/book had a very interesting premise… Aliens that invaded us but ended up making the world *better*. It could be a fascinating story in the hands of a good writer. =O

@jimtheedcguy4313 Жыл бұрын

Yes!! It could explore the moral quandary of it all too!!

@WingedWyrm 9 жыл бұрын

I actually like the alien-voice-in-head-as-counterpoint character a lot. Something tells me she could be easy to overuse, but I wouldn't mind seeing her used again.

@Phoenix2312 3 жыл бұрын

Honest to god, NEVER seen this movie... But I have been working on a "Fan Rewrite" of an old Comic Strip I adored during the 1980's... And the Voice-In-Head Counterpoint idea is something I had an idea to use! However, Vastly different to the way that Stephanie Myers used it... (Except the fact that the unwitting victim is a Soldier and he DOESN'T WANT TO DIE... The difference is he does, His Body is DESTROYED but due to the Alien needing a disguise, It absorbs his mind and inadvertently everything about him! HEY... NOT SAYING ITS AN ORIGINAL IDEA!!! In fact its a well over used trope to be frank... AND ONE STEPHANIE MYERS RIPPED OFF FORM AN OLD 80'S COMIC STRIP!)

@Khenfu_Cake Жыл бұрын

@@Phoenix2312 You don't need to worry about originality. Aliens taking over human bodies has been a trope for decades. Certainly since "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Animorphs also used it quite well, certainly better than The Host. In one book f.ex. one of the main characters is taken over by the parasitic aliens and it has that whole voice in head thing going on, but it's actually treated as a terrifying and extremely violating experience instead of as a catalyst for a creepy romance like Meyer does in The Host. Animorphs also manages to make the parasitic aliens bad guys in general but they still retain individuality and understand they are basically cruel colonizers. But generations of living under a strict hierarchy based authoritarian society has basically indoctrinated most of them into buying their government's propaganda. Emphasis of course on most of them. Basically Animorphs deals with some rather complex themes about war, colonization and conquest and all the messy ethics that entails. Certainly there's none of the weird "we are all honest and equal" nonsense among the parasitic aliens in Animorphs like there is in The Host. So yeah; I honestly think your idea sounds quite interesting and you definitely shouldn't let yourself be discouraged from writing it 😊

@kevinthepilgrim 8 жыл бұрын

Can we please get another review with the "annoying bitch" voice again? She was the best part of this. And Sean, was awesome, as usual.

@ph89787 8 жыл бұрын

+Kevin H. Pilgrim Well, if there is another bad alien invasion movie, this film gets a sequel. We might see her again. Or he reviews fifty shades of grey. Though i think she's a one off.

@kevinthepilgrim 8 жыл бұрын

+Patrick Donnolley That's sad, I found her really funny. And the movie, is it me or has a more than decent cast? I find the idea interesting but the execution is just bad as the source material (and the director is actually talented)

@ph89787 8 жыл бұрын

Kevin H. Pilgrim Yeah this movie has more talent than it deserves.

@seanchukwuezi3079 3 жыл бұрын

Anoying bitch sounds like camrian diaz

@BalloonSage 9 жыл бұрын

Loved the Ebert jokes; tasteless but well done!

@videodoe 3 жыл бұрын

The alien voice in your head sounds almost exactly like Alexis from ‘Schitt’s Creek’ TV show. 😛

@coolnerdlll6053 2 жыл бұрын

"These two are one step away from f**king on a freshly deceased corpse." I have never heard a funnier sentence in my life.

@Teamwonderful702 3 жыл бұрын

Best crossover ever! The Souls vs The Cyclos Battlefield Host!

@ithinkmynameismoo5e 10 жыл бұрын

You got me with the, "Did you pause the video to read this?" Well played Smeghead.

@jeremyusreevu237 3 жыл бұрын

22:31-22:39 The Smeghead inadvertently predicts Wonder Woman 1984.

@bboythekidstudios 9 жыл бұрын

I guess I'm going to hell for laughing at that Roger Ebert bit. I'm so sorry. :(

@DanielChannel57 3 жыл бұрын

22:55 - 30:35 Wow. After suffering through 2020(yes, I'm still salty about it 6 months later. Deal with it), I can say that rant has aged like fine wine, and means a whole lot more to me now.

@ancientscars 10 жыл бұрын

I seriously hope your alien visitor stays. It would be a fun addition to Cinematic Excrement.

@faze_buendia9514 3 жыл бұрын

"Season 5 of the Firefly relaunch", If that's the price of us getting taken over by friendly aliens, let it be done

@nathaniellevesque2782 9 жыл бұрын

While the voice of Melanie is in Wanderer's head, I call Melanie Navi.

@piotrsegal9528 8 жыл бұрын

The idea of adding a voice over to the review was perfect. I'm astonished that You managed to remain so authentic. Great job

@171QA 10 жыл бұрын

Happy 50th review Smeghead! And I agree with almost everyone else that the subplot with you and the alien was funny. XD

@kali3665 3 жыл бұрын

Once again, Smeghead gives us the only reason we will EVER watch a Stephanie Meyer film. Bravo with the Alien Twilight Fangirl! Love it!! 34:31 And thank you for the Red Dwarf gag. Frankly, there are SO many film moments we can apply that too....

@witeshade 3 жыл бұрын

@22:35 7 years later, the word for that is "wonder woman 1984"

@barbiquearea 3 жыл бұрын

That's exactly what I was thinking.

@victorhernandez8723 8 жыл бұрын

Thumbs up to you for inserting "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis & the News!

@swishyfish2003 10 жыл бұрын

I now ship you with the voice in your head. The Smeghead and Annoying Bitch are my OTP.

@WobblesandBean 10 жыл бұрын

Oh god. XD

@MelBrooksFan78 10 жыл бұрын

I can't wait to see what movie he reviews for his 100th episode. :D

@thehoosierfortheUK 9 жыл бұрын

Maybe the Garbage Pail Kids movie!

@MetallicaRules 6 жыл бұрын

Here's hoping for The Room

@gjkfhjkgjhkfgjydhjdltfu3096 6 жыл бұрын

MelBrooksFan78 It's co - mingggggg

@catfoy8888 6 жыл бұрын

Fifty Shades Darker?

@owenogletree3368 6 жыл бұрын

cat foy That's what I'm betting on.

@hernehaugen6878 3 жыл бұрын

I feel guilty for reading the entire warning without pausing because that means Smeg can't yell at me for pausing a silly warning.

@RichardWatt 3 жыл бұрын

I did the same - I guess we can both read the warning card in the time Smeghead gives us to.

@paulmoore105 2 жыл бұрын

I've watched a number of his videos so far and I have to say I love this guy!He's a Star Wars fan,an MST3K fan,a Metal fan and he's fucking hilarious.I don't always agree with him but I think he's cool.

@kingdraoony2 10 жыл бұрын

HAHAHAHAHAHHA voice in your head was by far the best thing about this movie review. the moive was indeed shit and the romance was really creepy I agree.

@phreakazoith2237 3 жыл бұрын

"Of this day we will carve our legend into the flesh of every alien we slay. Sons and daughters of the imperium, our blood is the blood of heroes and martyrs. The xenos dare to defile our city, dare to thread the sacred soil of our world, we will throw their bodies of this wall when the final day dawns. This is our city, this is our world, say it! Cry it out loud so the bastards in orbit can hear our fury!" - Grimaldus, Hero of Helsreach

@martinvranovsky7085 9 жыл бұрын

3 minutes in... 1. Your acting is better than all of the Twilight cast combined and 2. is The Host just a Stargate ripoff? :D

@CirianAlani 8 жыл бұрын

+Martin Vranovsky Or Animorphs, considering its about teenagers.

@seanchukwuezi3079 3 жыл бұрын

At least there was one actor in all the movie's that had the successful carrer Rob Patterson

@Parziivale 9 жыл бұрын

I would love to see more of The Alien as a character in your show. I loved how she was a bit vapid, but not really unintelligent and by giving her a background in having watched space netflix, she could appear again and offer another counterpoint on movies like The Host that are directed towards female audiences. I'll admit that I haven't gone through all your videos yet, but nonethless, I hope to see her again.

@jasminejacob1870 Жыл бұрын

Got me with that warning lol. I recognized it as the Latin placeholder cuz I use Google templates. I couldn't resist pausing.

@leobuscaglia5576 2 жыл бұрын

I love Ronan, she is a great actress.

@jbvader721 2 жыл бұрын

IKR? She was far too talented for this tripe.

@kurvos 9 жыл бұрын

Oh, so you actually did suggest that it would be interesting to see Wanda's new body being a male body, to have it be truly tested if it's actual true love? Hmmm... cool. You've earned my respect for that. :) Seen a lot of your reviews now. Think I'll honestly go ahead and subscribe to you - you seem like an awesome reviewer. :D

@BekahStogner 10 жыл бұрын

The beginning killed me. I absolutely love your sense of humor, man, I wish I had a friend like you.

@carmenskankey3681 7 жыл бұрын

Your warning card at the beginning, oh my gosh 😆

@crimsonleavesfalling5224 9 жыл бұрын

I actually liked the book. It was interesting seeing an alien invasion from the perspective of the alien, but the movie didn't quite capture the same feel I got from the book.

@jaredknight8838 9 жыл бұрын

Aveyond Keiver Movie was awful, book was pretty enjoyable, IMO.

@katroo2807 8 жыл бұрын

+Aveyond Keiver I thought the book was better than the twilight series (in my opinion tho, not hating on yo twilight fangirls) I really enjoyed it and can remember being moved when surviving humans died.

@katroo2807 8 жыл бұрын

@SuperPickles126 10 жыл бұрын

loved it, also I relay hope Annoying Bitch is in more episodes.

@HenshinHeroesMedia 3 жыл бұрын

For a better version of the host, watch dbz abridged when piccolo joins together with another namekian. Its both hilarious and insightful

@Plasticplas1 10 жыл бұрын

It's explained in the books. Jeb set up this place way before the aliens get there. He and Aunt Maggie were extreme conspiracy theorists. They thought the aliens and stuff were coming to get them before they actually were.

@TheHeroOfTomorrow 8 жыл бұрын

I think I've said it already, but I'll join the "I hope A.B. comes back" crowd. Also, they call her the Seeker! She's been searching low and hiiiigh....

@gracekim25 Жыл бұрын

I admit I feel bad for the fact that I’ve read the book of this 😅 Maybe saw in 2018

@regiman222 10 жыл бұрын

Just realised the 'souls' in 'The Host' are the same as the Gould from Stargate SG1, only shit Also nice sort of Lost Girl reference (The Wanderer song)

@MrThischarmingman2 10 жыл бұрын

Can we get more of that voice in your head please?

@jerraldwest2935 3 жыл бұрын

"The Host" has the same story concept as "Dances With Wolves", I mean "Pocahontas", I mean "Avatar". Are filmmakers done with this type of story yet?

@gracekim25 Жыл бұрын

Avatar had physical avatars though 😅

@RPatz17 10 жыл бұрын

Meet the Spartans is my favorite review of yours. So good.

@MsZoey10 10 жыл бұрын

Hey Smeg, Congrats and thank you so so much for 50 episodes of CE. Your reviews always give me a good laugh. Seriously, that idea with the Alien thingy was awesome (and a hell lot better voice acting than in the actual movie btw...) Anyway. thank you, Sir! Keep being awesome as you are! I'm looking forward to more of your stuff ;) Greets, your average "Sauerkraut" (Do some Americans actually call us that? Damn, that would be sad...)

@gageperuti5519 2 жыл бұрын

3:28 Not necessarily. Tombstone is often called a Western for people who don't like Westerns, and that movie's awesome.

@ChibiViolin 10 жыл бұрын

Put a suit on. You would look like a G-man from half-life. People would like that.

@RellePlays 10 жыл бұрын

You've not lost a step in these 50 videos. Looking forward to 50 more!

@watcher1269 9 жыл бұрын

This is officially my favorite of your videos

@robertlauncher 7 жыл бұрын

Since there are no wires, I guess the car flipping isn't a wire jump of doom.

@brandoncash3775 6 жыл бұрын

Well, if nothing else, Stephanie Meyer certainly nailed the feeling her characters inspired in many readers; they are definitely a pain in the neck.

@masonallen3961 7 жыл бұрын

The saddest part is that this movie's director Andrew Niccol previously wrote the screenplay for The Truman Show. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

@jbvader721 7 жыл бұрын

And directed "Gattaca", a decent sci-fi movie

@roberttreacy8271 7 жыл бұрын

Actually, this was not the last movie Roger Ebert reviewed before his death. It was actually Terrence Malick's To the Wonder, but The Host was the last review he published before his death.

@edding8400 9 жыл бұрын

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, an modo legendos deterruisset pro, ex tritani iuvaret pertinacia pro. Debitis dignissim ut duo, pro utamur inermis ei, ex magna phaedrum sit. Mea nullam appetere postulant in, duo te legendos splendide reprehendunt. Eos sonet latine vocibus at, mei feugait dissentias cu. In saepe aliquando eam.

@zenatimadiha7030 3 жыл бұрын

My favourite épisode of cinematic excrement ever It's been a couple of years I'm trying to see it for a second time but it was unavailable in my country for some reason I'm glad it's available again

@Lauren_210 10 жыл бұрын

Congratulations on your 50th episode! :D

@piotrsegal6475 3 жыл бұрын

Finally the video is available again!!! It's my favourite.

@ulrichkrause1579 10 жыл бұрын

Congratulations for well done fifty Episodes! THANK YOU !!! Alles Gute. Weiter so! Greetings form Germany 😉

@DarkCyberElf 10 жыл бұрын

It's funny because normal type moves aren't super-effective against anything... LOL but that asshole in this movie is an exception!

@Celerott 3 жыл бұрын

It's back up! This is my favorite review, I've been hoping it would be back up.

@Jonh1138 10 жыл бұрын

I might be wrong but this is your first review that had its own plot right? And it was amazingly good! It was well paced with a good ratio of "jokes\getting along with the review\your own plot". The only thing I had a problem with is that you didn't really explain why you hated this movie, usually you say a few extra words about why the movie sucks. But that's a miner problem. Overall, a very good review to celebrate a very good 50th episode,keep it up and cant wait for the next one!

@NicklasZandeVGCP2001 2 жыл бұрын

There is some weird rape shit in both the book AND the movie. When Melanie keeps telling her to stop with that orgy she's having, it was so uncomfortable, that I question Ms. Meyer's sanity.

@ProductionSktT 10 жыл бұрын

I can't wait for you to review 50 shades of grey hihihi

@JustinWilliams367 9 жыл бұрын

You and me both.

@victorhernandez8723 8 жыл бұрын

+ProductionSktT It's out now. And that movie is worse than the Twilight movies and The Host combined!

@OOODanyaelOOO 10 жыл бұрын

I vote for a Man of Steel review. The Vlog wasn't enough

@donkeykongbrawlsmash4745 10 жыл бұрын

I hated Twilight at first, but now I like them better, not loving it, just liking it. The Host is the real trainwreck, from Stephanie Meyer.

@Torterra625 10 жыл бұрын

So was it INTENTIONAL for the alien character to have the same initials as Amelia? Annoying Bitch: Amelia Baker That CANNOT be just a coincidence.

@CinematicExcrement 10 жыл бұрын

Believe it or not, it is a coincidence.

@Torterra625 10 жыл бұрын

Cinematic Excrement An awfully BIG one. Any word from Channel Awesome on the talent search by the way?

@CinematicExcrement 10 жыл бұрын

Torterra Yes. I didn't get in.

@Torterra625 10 жыл бұрын

Cinematic Excrement Sorry to hear. Their loss though.

@WobblesandBean 9 жыл бұрын

Cinematic Excrement Bullshit, is you ask me. Aside from Count Jackula (love that guy!) You're more entertaining and better produced than all the other newbies that made the cut!

@nathaniellevesque2782 8 жыл бұрын

Luckily for Ronan, it would only be 2 more years until Brooklyn.

@RileyWhiddenIsArguablyInsane 9 жыл бұрын

DAMNIT, SpaceNetflix!

@julioagua 3 жыл бұрын

Nice, this one used to be "not available in your country" :D

@DOWSOE 10 жыл бұрын

Alright ! Great to see you back !

@ph89787 8 жыл бұрын

Hey I remember seeing something like this happen on a show once a few years back. Except it was with a snake head and the way it was inserted into the host would be if Fifty shades of grey was being honest with us.

@CrazyPancakeGuy 10 жыл бұрын

5:47. That escalated quickly.

@nickmesafilms 10 жыл бұрын

Actually, the last film Ebert reviewed before his tragic death was "To the Wonder". "The Host" was just one of the last. But I'll still miss Ebert.

@Domino365 10 жыл бұрын

Yay! This video was posted on my birthday!

@LadyBravefalcon 10 жыл бұрын

Why would you even tease us with the mention of a "Firefly" reboot? Still stings, man...

@jusk8lp 10 жыл бұрын

Please, do I Am Number Four! >:D

@TwinRiver100 9 жыл бұрын

Any chance your Alien friend could come back? I liked the fact that you had her as a co-host to bicker with. The two of you seemed to have a fun time doing this review. Also will you try again at some point to get on the Channel Awesome Roster? Or perhaps another internet reviewing roster team?

@gracekim25 Жыл бұрын

This aged well 😨

@jackmonaghan8477 Жыл бұрын

Sersh must have been slumming it in between 'Atonement' and 'Brooklyn' (and by extension, her collaborations with Greta Gerwig). Also, adapting Stephanie Myer (Ayn Rand's rapist heroes in Mormon form) just shows how far Andrew Niccol has fallen since 'Gattaca' and 'The Truman Show'.

@ThreeBoltStar 10 жыл бұрын

So it says blocked in our country for copyrights. Damn been waiting months for this. My guilty pleasure is I love the movies. Dark pleasure is I love the books more. Ultimate pleasure is to watch you rip em apart.

@WobblesandBean 10 жыл бұрын

Have you tried watching it on Blip?

@iTacticalFox 10 жыл бұрын

I agree with a few other people, the alien lass needs to remain a recurring character in your mind :)

@Finnv893 10 жыл бұрын

captain obvious:" that is not going to work"

@danieldb631 10 жыл бұрын

-So, there's a ditsy blond Goa'uld? -They borrowed the opening from Lost In Space, I see. -Redundant name is redundant. The way she said it sounds like the author's thought process, too. Like a space filler name that she forgot to go back and change. -Oh no. Cars always do that. It's normal. -Wanda? I thought that was a fish. -Shallow relationships and love triangles again? -Oh, the host dies when the symbiote is removed, eh? Nope. Doesn't sound familiar at all. -I don't get the ending...ending. These aliens that conquer whole worlds just give up their plans for conquest all because they just needed a hug? I don't get it. -"All of me" did it better.

@metalman4393 3 жыл бұрын

10:37 *puts on nerd glasses* eRRm Akhhctually normal type moves can't be super erffective.

@mariic2 7 жыл бұрын

An alien invasion being stopped by love isn't so far fetched. (Looking at you, _Steven Universe_.)

@Foustdoodles98 7 жыл бұрын

mariic2 YES!!!!!!

@Foustdoodles98 7 жыл бұрын

ReNikulous Filmz yea I hate twilight too

@phreakazoith2237 3 жыл бұрын

Love for the god emperor of mankind will stop any alien invasion.

@gracekim25 Жыл бұрын

@@RiNicku1ous thank you

@jesusrox4u 8 жыл бұрын

Whenever Beauty and the Beast does Stockholm's Syndrome better than a movie based on a book made by Stephanie Meyer (the lady who made Twilight), *shudders* you know you've done something wrong.

@Sawcery 10 жыл бұрын

Was the fact that the thing in your head was abandoned a Zim reference.

@victorhernandez8723 8 жыл бұрын

+SeanSays I was thinking of the same thing!

@simonfrederiksen104 2 жыл бұрын

Had a good laugh or two - thanks

@DainRiffgin89 10 жыл бұрын

One fun thing i noticed is a lot of his comedy has similarities to TFS abridged, which makes sense, as he is a fan.

@johnalogue9832 8 жыл бұрын

I...I read the lorem ipsum.... I had an idea somewhat similar to this in a writing brainstorm with an alien parasite taking over a human being and developing a symbiotic relationship. The difference is I didn't try to sell it, and mine had plants. Seriously, it was a random writing brainstorm. WHY DID THIS PERSON TRY TO SELL CRAP I CONSIDERED WRITING PRACTICE? I'M NOT EVEN A WRITER!