I still use it. Brilliant. I’ve taught my 12 year old daughter to use it with her teachers. They’ll get the joke. Her friends won’t. Can’t wait for the calls from the school. 🤣🤣

Classic SW!

"Two years ago.... No, wait. It was last night."

That's a good point

I love that joke too

Yeah, I am planning to go only 10 miles in an hour, at the rate of ten miles every minute.

same as going to the 24hour convience store and its closed, and the guy locking the place up when Steven points out the "open 24 hours sign" tell him "Not in a row"

'I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place'.

He is!! Steven Wright brings belly laughs Jake Johannsen has a characteristic delivery too, he acts super anxious and it's hilarious. Mitch Hedberg has that stoner best friend delivery.

*Steven: "The other day I was at the Canadian Border, they asked 'Do you have any blank?' "* *I said, "what do you need?"*

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same

That's my email signature.🤣

I use that all the time.

My mother was telling me a story recently to which she mused, "it's a small world." Without even thinking I said, "but I wouldn't wanna paint it." She didn't know what the hell I was saying!

Same!!!

Genius and hilarious

"One day I walked into my apartment and realized everything was replaced with an exact replica". Love this man.

Google Maps agrees: it'll let me select Walking directions even if it will take days.

i use that one all the time

The level of in-articulate speech that masterfully hits the spot leaves my gut hurting. He’s like the opposite of Carlin, but still just as hilarious.

Did Goliath type this comment, Davey? hehe

LOL!

haha! excellent

Oh, that just made me laugh SO hard!

🤣Hilarious! Steven Wright definitely one of my most favorites!

Some people are like that. My father was funny his whole life and now he's entering into that stage of life. I call him a part time resident of himself. Yet when I see him he still makes me laugh. I tell him the last thing that will remain of you will be your sense of humor. And it's true. It's his core essence.

👏👏👏👏

@@darioinfini But, do you make him laugh? And what's it like if you do?

Fantastic. Thanks for sharing.

AAA?

Isn't there one about an "inconvenience store", or is that a Far Side comic?

Or a corporal, either...

I remember " went to the convenience store and the guy was closing up, I said hey it says open 24 hours, and he said yeah, but not in a row". This man's brain is truly unique.😂

*"… So I ordered French toast in the Renaissance…"

I bought a microwave fireplace. I can spend all night in front of the fire in 20 minutes.

I pretty much have "I Have A Pony" memorized

I bought some powdered water, and I didn't know what to add. 😂

"I also bought some batteries but they weren't included..."

I read that in my mind with Steven's voice and laughed out loud :D

LOL!

I'll have to ask Tony.

That is a perfect joke!

I think that is the best written joke I have ever seen.

My favorite: “My friend has a circular driveway, he can’t get out.” SW-😂

haha! amazing

🎉I literally opened the comments to say that… that’s the truest joke ever

Best joke ever.

I'll make 1 for you Steven. That'll be $200. Do not pass Go. Just pay me.

The reason sea level is rising is because they keep taking sponges out to sell.

"Sponges grow in the ocean...... that kills me"

Exactly!

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My favorite of his too!

That’s my favourite too! I tell it all the time! 😂😂😂

HAHAHAHAHHSHA

I never heard that one! It's absolutely awesome!

Hahaha! I have never heard that one and I have listened to many, many of his jokes.

Everywhere. Most of his jokes just take one more step, if you actually paid attention.

🤣

powdered

Never heard that before - its wonderful. I just said it to myself with Steve's deadpan voice and a pause in just the right place.

Steven was born via C-section..you cant really notice but whenever he leaves the house he goes out thru a window

Great idea. I think humor is the only thing that can save humanity. This man is an absolute Mozart when it comes to comedy, incredibly gifted mind.

At first glance, I thought you were a fan of multiple sclerosis.

@@duderama6750 what if you had multiple sclerosis and multiple personality disorder. so there's other people inside you, but they couldn't make it up the stairs to the brain today.

"I work as a mental health recreational therapist" I read that thinking it was an SW Line to a joke!

"Bought some powdered water but, I don't know what to add. Then I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy 'em again"! Unmatchable.👍

I didn't even know he was sick.

Good one Descendentsfools, never heard it b4!

🤣

Yeah, you're comment sounds exactly like his voice.

Maybe it was your hair?

Has anyone every tried that out?

😂

That's actually Sergio Aragones's jokes from MAD comics (in the bottom margin of a page -- I actually have that issue). There is a truck carrying these new cars and a cop gives speeding ticket to the driver of the truck -- and also to all the cars that the truck is carrying.

"I got a humidifer and dehumifier for my birthday, so I put em in a room together and let em fight it out"

Way off to the side😂😂😂

... It's a b**** to fold. People ask me where I live, I say "E5".

@@skierpage , I forgot that additional quip! Lol

YES ! Great comparison !

LOOOOOL!!!!

I think the coffee line is my favourite too.

I used to get these types of jokes... I still do, but I used to, too.

Hedberg was a poor impersonation of Wright.

Everything you eat is bite-sized.

You’re so right… Steven, Craig Ferguson, Bill Burr, Norm McDonald, and Dennis Miller each made me laugh out loud and think deeper later.

Oh yeah? I got to check that out

What’s the joke?

Definitely one of my favorites too!

That was the first one I thought of as a favorite. :D

“Stolen, and replaced with…”

Do I know you?

@@AmanOU2be I not sure if I even know myself but if anybody opened a conversation with you with "I woke up this morning..." or " I was an only Child....eventually"......could be. Respect to all.

Not a pun, but I agree it's one of his best.

@@johnchurch3431 I thought about the use of the word pun right after I wrote that. Thanks. lol

And that's basically agoraphobia.

I actually feel that way. I love to go to the mountains but I really don't like going to flatlands or the beach. I like to feel like theres something around me. Feels more vulnerable in wide open spaces.

Sounds like a quote from Kamala. 😂

"Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories..."!

A similar one from SW is: "I sometimes reminisce about people I have never met"

I love to use the last line without the sand pit lead in when people ask if I have any brothers or sisters.....always stops the conversation dead.

Boy, did the host butcher it. It's a tall order, Steven's delivery, but that really didn't do the joke justice.

I had that exact same experience at a Robin Williams comedy show, I remember thinking, "I hope the next joke isn't funny so I can take a breath!"

What is wrong with you guys? If I can't die saving someone, my next wish is to die laughing.

I had this exact experience until he was 3 jokes past the one I was laughing at.

To die laughing, I can think of worse ways!

in some tellings he uses 'i said what do you mean? she said youre over there i want you to come over here' 😂

Mine too!

Yes!!!!!!!!

He's not underrated, lol, the dude's a stand-up legend!

was. in the '80's. this is just canned laughter zzzzz

Ye, I'm pretty sure he is QUITE HIGHLY RATED, and has been a "household name" since the early 80's bro. His Carson appearances are MONUMENTS, and he has had a zillion roles in movies and TV, and, he has 1 Oscar win, out of 6 nominations!

@@Cosmo-Kramer PRECISELY! He is QUITE HIGHLY RATED, and revered my EVERY comedian, and has been a "household name" since the early 80's. His Carson appearances are MONUMENTS, and he has had a zillion roles in movies and TV, and, he has 1 Oscar win, out of 6 nominations!

stop it

Me, too. Would watch with my best friend, we memorized his whole specials, and I still quote Steven Wright in some context at least a couple of times a week.

Not sure many 10 year olds would get the jokes, but then again some 40 year olds don't get them either. Lol

@@toolrocks10 Oh, there were definitely ones that I didn't get at the time and others that I thought I got but realized a couple years later that I hadn't, but lots of his jokes I think can appeal to all ages. His ant/rice one was my favorite when I was little, and I still find it hilarious, especially with 2-3 distinct punchlines.

Not exactly an acquired taste but his stuff is too abstract for a lot of people I think. Like, it's not topical or really grounded in reality in any way so if you can't enter his world you won't see what's funny.

@@Veaseify also some people need a more hyper approach to make them feel like its a comic event. Like Robin Williams, rest in peace. Comic legend. But honestly, I didn't find him so funny. He had his moments of course. But he was such a buzzsaw of comedy that I found that people were laughing just because they felt they should be, and he was coaxing the laughs out of the audience. He could tell 5 fast jokes in a row. The first one funny, the next 3 not, then end with funny again, but fans would be rolling the entire time as if it was 5 funny jokes. Steven Wright uses nothing but humor. He has stripped away all tricks and energy. The jokes themselves are so deep usually. Sometimes it takes a second, and then boom. In fact, his delivery is anti-energy. He sells his jokes while putting himself at a disadvantage of sounding bored and uninspired. ThAT is how funny he is. Sam Kinison was another overrated comic. Jokes surrounded by hyper delivery, screaming, etc. As if "I think I'm supposed to be laughing really hard right now, because he's putting in so much effort, so I'll laugh until everyone else stops"

STOP SAYING UNDERRATED FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

Back in the 80s, when the alternative comedy scene was really blooming, he was just in a league of his own. I don't think he got the recognition (or the money) that he deserved, but he was AA list from an audience point of view. "Somebody broke in my house last night and stole everything but replaced it with an exact replica"

I ended up here because a friend texted me one of his jokes, I said "he was awesome, I wonder what ever happened to him?" My friend said "didn't he die?" So I looked him up and saw that he's 67 and very much alive! I told my friend Steven probably would have thought that was funny! 🤣

I don’t get it.

@@chezchezchezchez They are applauding heavy for him when he comes onto the stage and Steven does what he does with a super low-key 'thanks'

@@travisjazzbo3490 Totally correct.

I saw him live too a few years ago. I mean there are a lot of great comedians, but none weirder and funnier than this guy. He's so unique, because unlike most comedians who get their material from making relatable observations about things or their experiences, Steven is coming up with stuff that doesn't relate to anything in life, with tremendous creativity. Like "I was out in the desert and a UFO landed. Three 1 inch tall guys came up to me. I asked them 'are you really one inch tall?' They said 'no, we're really very far away'." I mean for those who can appreciate him, I think the guy is a savant/genius. One of the funniest people who has ever lived.

But a 9 volt battery cannot be connected incorrectly ..... it only fits one way !

Deadest pan ever, lol.

Making entire comedy routines using nothing but one liners and really short bits is extremely difficult. There's a reason why so few comedians go that route.

Mitch Hedberg (RIP) was similar.

"granted it takes longer"

Me too 😅

I heard it as "My dental hygienist is very attractive, so..."

I've actually done that. Seriously why do the work for them? It's like cleaning up before the maid comes.

I told my roommate, and he said, "Do I know you?"

Same!

TBH, that was my favorite one as well.

I'll have to use that next time I go to the funeral home. You think that's crazy but the funniest stuff ever said in my family came from funerals. Like my aunt leaning over my uncles casket, crying and saying he had the cutest buns.

I soooo agree. With the intelligence of today's audience, & random, dark or dry humor bigger than ever. I think he would totally leave a young audience rolling. He's got the skill....& Is much smarter than hell ever show in public.

“Maybe you’ve seen it.”

Well, I don't like to quibble, but Steven Wright is quite a common name. There must be thousands of men called Steven Wright in the US alone.

It looks like only 7 people got this joke.

Nine

Hedberg ripoff

@@earthsucks9555 Tribute, not ripoff.

"People ask me where I live, and I say 'E5'. Last summer I folded it."