"Never explain yourself, your friends won't need it and your enemies won't believe it"

This is exactly why i am "the quiet one" in my family You deserve way more subs and views man

Great analogy! Also: Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words (Proverbs 23:9) Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness or you will become a fool yourself (Proverbs 26:4)

I used to throw pearls...now I'm older and wiser and I'm making myself a necklace instead 🙂

I am an INFJ. Each and every sentence you say resonates with me 100%..If you become selective in choosing people, there's hardly anyone left. Nearly about a year now, I have been almost all of my time alone after applying all the principles you shared. I am just staying away from narcissists. It's peace but also very...quiet. Keeping myself a strong, whole person! Waiting for key audience in my life :)

It is sad that as INFJs we feel it’s “best” to not inform, to share our thoughts or opinions, because we know it won’t be valued. And when we do risk that with someone close to us, it hurts when we are proven right and they invalidate our perspectives and feelings. But not sharing feels like the relationship frays further, because there was an opportunity to be on the same page or to connect but it was left as a divide.

Answer: Yes I was at a medical school in the cafeteria with other students when a professor over heard our conversation. I turn and debated her non stop. When I turned back the entire cafeteria of departments heads and students were standing around. One departments head asked me to give a lecture to his class on the topic I debated the professor on. I told him I was a first year student. He said I couldn't be a first year student at my level of know and my ability to quote research. The professor I had the debate with was angry and stormed out. She later tried to get me kick out of the program because I was despectful thinking I could debate a professor outside of the classroom. She wasn't my professor at the time. Luckily many other professors and department heads came to my defense without me asking and champaigned against her. After that experience learned to STFU and be very selective to whom I over explain. I usually ask if they want the details on the subject. Many people ask how can hold so much information in my brain and access it at will. My answer is shoulders up in the air, I can't explain that.

One of my favorite ways to help the "pig" who has an opinion wrapped up in identity is to ask questions in a Socratic way. This helps avoid the defensive stance. I typically ask two questions: 1.) What do you mean by that? (Let them elaborate) & a follow up 2.) How did you come to that conclusion or what reasons led you to believe that? I got this from a Christian apologist actually and it is really effective for a persons own self examination. You wouldn't believe how many people get stumped by #2. They have no reasons just rhetoric. If they realize they may have some ignorance present there is then an opportunity for you to then speak and offer a different perspective. Other times the person doubles down and in that case you move on. I really hope someone uses this!

I've learned to be very selective with my wisdom and truth. I have learned to pick my battles and save my Pearls for people ready to be open minded, even if they don't agree.

""Cos i like it" "cos i want to " cos i can" is my go-to response when anyone tries to get me to explain my decisions.

I have listened to many INFJ, speakers. You sound like my own head, out loud!... Phew,.... Thanks. I am older than you. The older I get, combined with this mirror world,... the circle of those I speak with, openly... has shrank to so few, it causes me concern. I appreciate your exploration. I needed this.

Funny my sociopath of a relative asked me where I was going and what I was doing among other things constantly, and after I wised up to her motivations and defect of character (god bless maturity), when she asked again this one time I responded "It's funny you think I owe you an explanation for anything I do" ..the look on her face was priceless. It was very unexpected because I would usually pander to her emotions. Leveling up my skill set. lol

I just found you last week and I thank God I did! I have known about INFJ for years, but not to the extent that you have taught. I’m 74 and you have helped clarify so many situations during my life. I hope to have several more years and know they will be better thanks to your sharing. Sincerely.

Please do not stop making videos. Your videos are so amazing and we love it. INFJs are RARE and probably that is why you don't have as many subscribers as you deserve because I think only INFJs and other deep thinkers like yourself will become interested in such topics. But, we appreciate your videos! Thank you

I also believe there IS a "deepness divide" - and it's good to recognize that, as well, while you're relying on your intuition and discernment in knowing when, where, how and with whom it's a good idea to share anything you truly care about.

Amen Clay!! I think there’s a deeper link here... between what you’re describing... and possibly why so many INFJ’s claim to be quiet/shy. I’m both quiet/shy... and prefer not to talk to people until I can no longer stand the sheer absurdities people spew out of their mouths... then I usually try to change the subject. If that doesn’t work it’s time to walk away and get some air... Sometimes “Silence is Golden”

"Going on the defensive" and "Having deep conversations with inappropriate people". I act like this all the time! I really needed this video. Thanks!

NO LONG MORAL JUSTIFICATION SARAH just a reminder for myself here I can’t over do it for anyone anymore because I am already justified and saved from wrath by the blood of the lamb. I do not have to over explain myself to anyone, especially not folks I don’t know. I am not obligated to impress or jump through hoops for nobody ! I am okay. All is well with me. Whoever dislikes me because of the things I like, that is their problem and I cannot fix it for them. Thanks Mr.clay got so much insight today.

I'm so guilty on this one 😔. Thank you for giving me insight. Again you're a star thank you for the difference you make

How interesting! I watched that clip of you last week about the deepness divide video. I realized this week that people aren't interested in pearls. Especially today, they just bluntly said it's not possible so why are we talking about it? I was so disappointed with the answer. I just avoided the next thing I wanted to bring up, keeping that pearl for myself. Thank you for your video, I appreciate it! 😋

I totally agree ~ keep those pearls for those who want/need them 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 "You can be some things to some people...but not all things to all people".

More of this series, please.

I super relate with this. I too have found myself, on many times, taking the bait, then berating myself for letting my mouth run, and self-divulging so indiscriminately with persons who, put simply, are unduly inquisitive toward me. I do the informing thing too, and I know I do it out of an intrinsic need to be understood by others, essentially out of an altruistic drive, wanting to clear up a misunderstanding. It sounds arrogant, somewhat, but it really is not. The first type of person you described, I see it as like a good natured assumption that others would want to engage with you on the same level. For the second kind including narcissistic, parasitic types, I have learned the hard way that some people can only relate to others via interpersonal dynamics based on dominance and submission, and trying to extend a friendly hand toward these types is an exercise in futility. They don’t see you as you are and aren’t interested.

A few years ago while dating someone, I started searching why he did certain things, why I felt the way I did to find out he was a narcissist. While reading, it dawned on me that my mother's behaviors matched as well. I always knew she was mean, but thought all moms are like that once in a while. Ever since, I've realized some "strange" behaviors I have that are directly correlated to her. Thanks mom! Just recently it dawned on me why I over explain. One example, that people may think is weird, is when someone compliments me on something I'm wearing. I always say thank you and, may God strike me now, I always go into detail on when and where I bought it. Nobody asks me for that information, but I just spew it out like the trained monkey I am. Reason being - she would ask me so many questions. If I showed her a pair of shoes I just got, she'd ask "how much were they?", "Do you really need more shoes?", "Where did you get them?". Another example is when she once called me at 6:30 in the morning to ask me where I was. Confused, I said, upstairs. "Oh, I thought your car wasn't here. I didn't see it behind mine" she giggled. I was an adult. I can go out freely & come home whenever I want. If she is in my life, I'd be explaining & defending myself till she dies. Went no contact 2 years ago. I'm discovering how many INFJ's came from an abusive household & see how the pieces fit. Just breaking the ice in regards to how her actions & behaviors have truly changed me. I hate her for what she did. I'll never know who I was really supposed to be.

This concept shared here with the casting pearls analogy really goes far beyond explanations and other verbal encounters with the majority swine of the earth; once you've intuited or tested the waters and have that high level of confidence you're dealing with swine, you don't have to give them anything at all. Life is far too short to waste any pearls at all. Swine are intelligent and high risk for doing harm and other malevolence; even if they are merely clueless it's a waste. Our pearls are not nothing. Pearls should be saved for when and where they may be well placed, appreciated, and maximized.

thank you for this 😊 i am trying to recover from being an overexplainer, i've read that verse multiple times already and this is the first time that I understood it clearly. Thank you for that 😊

I never really understood the ‘INFJ attracts narcissist’ thing until this video... seems we all have ‘that uncle’. Thank you. I would like to hear a video around the topic of procrastination due to perfectionism and needing a deep purpose behind ones work.

These may seem like old cliche’s, but they always ring true, and may be relevant here: 1) There’s a time & a place for everything. 2) Know how/when to pick your battles and when to just turn the other cheek and walk away.

How dare you reveal my inner most thoughts and feelings? 😭 thanks for putting it in words..

✝️🌹☕🙏 God Bless you brother. Very informative. INFJ here too.

OMG I have been feeling guilty for having that "pearls to swine" thought going through by head regarding a relationship that is going downhill.

"Hey thats like, your opinion man" -the dude

A narcissist gets a twisted thrill out of working someone up. Don’t “feed” them.

I recently discovered My tendency to over explain Bc I want to clarify - the confusion around me. > When I was a child, I thought I wanted to be a tv news reporter 👀 > The truth is - nobody wants to know what any body thinks ! They just want to hold tight to their own personal beliefs bc - they over identify w. it .. > I have worked long & hard to develop my language skills. And I’m proud to be able to express myself w. the precision of a surgeon. How ever - I do understand- Silence is golden 🌞

Thank you Clay...You explain and confirm and affirm my own conclusions..I so appreciate your commentaries.

Thank you thank you thank you. I didn’t know why I always felt so powerless and helpless whenever someone didn’t have my same views (that in my mind, are what are morally correct) and now I can finally feel I could breathe and get rid of my anxiety and unnecessary rage. I will def use this analogy in the near future.

So timely. I’m catching myself a lot at work doing this. I’ve finally woken up to it as many people don’t appreciate the explanation. And I’ve found it makes me look hesitant & flailing to some. As opposed to confident and thoughtful. My narc mom had a hand in my developing this wiring and I’m learning to change it & to truly be secure with myself.

Don't be afraid of conflict,It's truths purest form.

"Become more selective Avoid being defensive Be wary of interrogation ... stop, and don't get caught up in trying to correct them Don't say anything if their stance is their identity (their mind is made up) Be aware of informing vs answering and limit jumping in to inform. Rather, say one or two small things and see if they respond. If not, stop Don't assume they're interested Don't JADE (justifying, arguing, defending and explaining

I think this video answer my question on why people start good conversation first and once we are inside the story they pull us down.. it’s disappointing that people love us to feel bad and unworthy. Thank you ❣️

Thank you! I needed this!🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️

"Let people be wrong about you. You don't need to defend yourself." Elliot Hulse

That deepness divide video was the first of yours I seen some months ago. I've had hard lessons learned in this department, believe me. Thankfully I am now winning at this and learning to control my mouth. In fact I just passed a major test 2 weeks ago where a supposed friend did something pretty distasteful on social media. My reaction? No reaction. Plus forgiveness. Did I want to forgive? Nope. But I am also not willing to hold onto that poison either. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and do not cast your pearls before swine.

I’m an INFJ and can relate to all of this throughout my life, BUT I am very passionate about politics and find the other side to be under Mass Formation and have insane views. I actually welcome conversations on this topic because I can see zero common sense from the other side. I am passionate and want to talk to anyone about it because the world needs saving and we can’t do that if we’re divided. It’s not time to be silent. It’s time to stand up and speak your mind. Bad things happen when Good people do nothing. My pleas are more about educating people on what is true and what is propaganda. There has never been a time like this on earth where we are so close to total destruction. We’re on the eve of having a few Elites who have decided they are the new gods, devour us along with our souls. To me this makes it worth talking about. Yes I’m trying to show people the truth of what they’re doing to us and evidence is all around us. And although I sometimes throw my pearls before swine, I don’t care when it comes to world dominance by evil forces. We must take a stand and speak it out to everyone who can hear. I actually have influenced and shown the light on certain issues and caused some people from the opposing party to rethink things. So it is well worth it even if there are also swine who I I speak to. If I can change the mind of just one human being, I feel I’ve helped the world in my own small way. If we all did this, perhaps we’d still have a chance. Politics are not just politics as usual. They are consuming everything in our lives. So in this, things are at a major crossroads that we cannot ignore and believe they will just continue as usual. There’s nothing usual about this critical time. I’m not even certain that I believe in the whole God /Bible thing at this point but I definitely believe that this fight is between Good and Evil. I see no other logical explanation. Besides this particular topic of enormous consequence, I relate to your assessment here. I struggled with this my whole life but while I used to be more silent about my thoughts, I feel I’ve made progress by doing the opposite. I’m speaking out more and sort of blurring out certain thoughts and beliefs even when I know it may raise some eyebrows and receive criticism. I’m ready for what May come at me. It still feels good to share my truth and not just stand there silently. But Clay, I find your videos to be extremely enlightening and intelligently articulate. You have an uncanny ability to simplify the complex things INFJs deal with and I thank you. You do an excellent job. I’ve been watching you for a couple of years now and think you’re the best podcaster on the INFJ. And I’ve listened to many. Congrats on your success.

My gosh I relate to all of this once again. Feeling judged gahh. Thank you so much for sharing- it makes so much sense! I'm usually the quiet one, but but sometimes I can't hold back something I'm passionate about and realize too late that I went too deep! Over-explaining happens and I'm sinking quickly and it's awful! So many narcissist encounters have led to this! I'm learning! Thank you for highlighting this phenomenon!!!

Oh, yes. I've learned to be selective of what discussions I have with people and with whom. If they ask questions or have some curiosity, we can go there. If I know it's a touchy subject that is close to the person and I know how they react, I won't go forward. For me, I'll try to listen to what people have to say and try to analyze it and see where they're coming from. I personally don't want to be close-minded, but if the comment is coming from subjective opinions, I might not hold it in higher regard. It really depends. I might like something but I know people aren't into it, so I won't bring it up. I just really don't have energy to argue. If we can have a discussion and a relaxed exchange, then it can work. I just gotta see initiative and genuine interest

Your videos really resonate with me. Even more insightful than any therapy!

INFP's and INFJ's seem to have the same kind of social problems. I think however that INFP's tend to be a little more unapologetically weird, and perhaps a little more jaded. But the 'overaccountability' trait rings very true to me, it's something I've tried to untrain myself from doing. It's not easy work, though.

you are making so much sense. thank you so much. i really resonate with the pearl and the pig anology.

I'm always explaining or trying to explain myself. I always feel like I need to and it drives me crazy!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The parable of the pigs and the pearl was really good and lead me to a further thought: it is not inherent to the pearl that it has great value, it’s just that I give this pearl some value. Maybe I also can acknowledge that my thoughts are not as I important as I tend to value them and try to protect them, because, when it’s only me that values it and there is no value inherent than I don’t have to guard them. It only begins to change when I think that my “pearl” has universal value ... don’t know if it is just weird brain acrobatics or comprehensible!?

Your honestly one of the best info you tuber that explains infjs well. I have learned so much ! Much appreciation from another fellow infj!!!!

Yessss!!!! The pearls and pigs is something that always manifests itself when I find myself realising that I may have misplaced my pearls. Thank you for the great material you have been sharing.

As a Christian your analogy was really good. Helped me a lot! It actually helped me understand the scripture better too. Thanks 😁👍

So well said! Best video I've seen on this. Thank you Clay!

Great points! Thank you! 🙏🌞🙏

Love this! Thank you for sharing this❤️

Thanks for bringing this topic up. It is comforting to know I am not alone out there- This is most definitely something I used to do, and especially when triggered (usually by family). I also do my best to no longer feel the need to ‘JADE’ Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain my feelings or actions. Just venting here… I have a particular issue I am struggling with that wraps into this topic. I have some chronic health issues (a result from effects of cancer treatment 15 years ago) I have a sister who just either refuses to understand, but who always seems to have much advise for me… ‘just do blah, blah, blah…’ or many other suggestions that she feels would get rid of my health problem. She is very dismissive towards my issues. I have tried to explain to her what happened inside my body and my journey to acceptance but she gets uncomfortable, eyes glaze over then she walks away. I repress the need I feel to over explain or educate her. Teaching her about what has happened to me. I know ultimately I need to just walk away and let it go. I can not make her understand or even truly care. I do struggle with in my mind coming up with ways I can educate her so she might better understand- a compulsion that I have to make sure she understands. Thanks for reading…☺️

First 40 seconds of this video described my entire life, feeling judged and misunderstood, like I needed to explain every action I took caused lots of problems when I was a child. But the rest of the video didn't really end up going where I thought it would.

Video Idea: What to do when your parent(s) is a narcissist. -Explain what to do when they don't care about your opinion, and they also think that you sharing your opinion is disrespectful. -Etc.

Thank you so much for this video. Just observed this over the weekend where I felt kind of beat up especially in the political realm.

Thanks for making this video! It was just what I needed to hear today!

I’ve always loved that illustration from the Bible. I never applied it the way you did here, but it is so very true. Thank you for this beautiful pearl of wisdom, I appreciate it!!!

“Is the person prepared to hear this?” God bless you Mr.Clay! You truly have a gift for teaching I enjoy how you help/speak This is the nicest way I’ve ever been told I talk too much 😂🙌🏾 paying attention to who I’m speaking too, and making it a goal to INSPIRE and not INFORM If they did not ask me and I can hush up. Assuming that they care !! How dare I actually. I cannot assume everyone cares about what I care about, as though we’re all the same. Even though my intentions are pure it comes across as rude/harsh/forceful and that’s not at all how I’d like to be or come across

Maybe it’s more of an investment issue. People tend to invest in their perspective and don’t handle invalidation very well. INFJ kinda of analyzes a bit quicker and more in depth. Defense is the reaction. Catch them a ways down the road and see where they are at that point. Sometimes they need to see it for themselves. Depends on the personality.

Wisdom!!. I just subscribed. I have watched several of your videos today I have finally found someone who understands me to a T

"what's wrong with this pig" that cracked me up.

I appreciate you man.. I'm dealing with this and I'm trying to not be embarrassed about

This is a problem I think I've finally mastered. I don't explain myself unless I WANT to. It's hard applying this to my parents though because they're both narcissists and constantly want me to explain myself but I refuse to now. I'm over it lol. I've been trying to get them to understand me my whole life and I'm finally giving up on them and I feel free. Emotional abuse is hard regardless but it's even harder when the abusers are narcissists

I totally get this. I’ve been trauma over explaining and oversharing for years, and in general trying to have conversations with people that are like birds trying to talk to fish like you say.

I really enjoy that you are candid about wrestling with all of these thoughts in your head. They are the same as mine and other's commenters. We all struggle and think about these topics. I'm glad we are all here for each other because no one else that I know really thinks about this stuff like we all do. They just don't care...

I need one of these videos that is 2 minutes long. So far this is the shortest one I've found so i might come back later and watch it.

Helpful!!!! Thanks! Love the pigs pearls analogy. ❤😊

Very nicely explained - even though you didn’t necessarily have to explain yourself 😂❤ Great video man, I’ve struggled with this for a good chunk of my life, this video puts things into perspective. Cheers man

The "casting pearls before swine" analogy is excellent. This has happened to me all too often and I've actually thought of that analogy after the fact, when it was too late. As an INFJ, this caution is particularly important for me to heed. I've never thought of the "choking on the pearls" and then blaming us, but OMG yes. The narcissist does look for a "rise" out of people close to them - and I've been caught by that. Your eloquent explanation is exactly what I needed to hear, as it applies to so many situations and these type of people aren't going to just go away. We have to adjust in how we respond to their pathological behavior.

Another awesome video! You really catch on deep topics I rarely find open reflections on. I really appreciate it. Only last week I had this issue that I shared my current feelings/ issues with someone I intuitively knew beforehand they couldn't hold space for and had been sad and angry afterwards, when they prooved me right. It's almost always that I find myself in those situations 'testing' the people around me, but going too far just because I want to give them another chance to proove me wrong. My struggle with this actually is, that I have the inner feeling that I want to have nothing to do with people I can't be completely open with. It's black and white thinking but I can't help it somehow. Sure, if it's only my neighbour or collegue it's not a big deal, but I don't want to actively engage with people I can only talk to casually, because I know they can't hold space for my emotions or passions. My emotions and passions represent myself in such a big way that I then have the feeling I can't be really myself around those people. It's a struggle. But I think you are right in saying that it is our fault when we 'throw our pearls at the pigs'... It's just so hard to realize that some people around me can't hold space, can't cope with my emotions or simply don't want to. Because then I have to take action somehow by cutting them out of my deeper world or completely out of my life.

Clay, these videos are coming at such a perfectly significant time for me. This brought me immense amounts of clarity. Thank you so much.

Unfortunately i learn things the hard way. Appreciate your awesome work in this video and others to clearly state your observations and reflections that help many infjs who come across your videos. I appreciate your effort and i subscribed, commented and liked your video.

I came across this video today because I thought I was an over-explainer. And I certainly was in the past, but your video made me aware of how much progress I have made already. Sometimes in the progress of learning we can lose a bit of clearity of what we learned already, holding on to that vision where we once started, having something to resonate with and to reflect on can help to see clearly in how much progress we made already. Your video provided that for me, thank you! Though I want to say, somewhere in the beginning you where saying that you made the mistake to engage in conversations you shouldn't. May I remind you that we dont learn to sail on smooth waters. If you did not had those conversations you would not have learned to make better choices. Or you would not have learned to reconize the difference. Give yourself some appreciation for that, you deserve that! Mistakes are only mistakes if we don't learn from them.

This is an important lesson not to throw the pearls to the pigs. I had to learn it too. Meanwhile I am very selective with people. As you say Clay you've got to learn what to say to whom on which occasion. Life is a never ending school. Greetings from Germany*)

This is a good one=) and great to keep in mind as we head into the holidays 😉🙂

It’s interesting that you deal with over explaining by recognizing when not to speak. Yet I’m opposite and have been this silent being most of my life. Which may have resulted in me chronically over explaining because it’s not easy for me to think of things to talk about. (Even though I am a deep thinker.) So any chance I get to talk to someone, and not feel awkward that I’m just “silent”, the one thing I’ve been known for, I unconsciously just over explain everything. A simple yes or no question will get someone a lengthy answer as to why before they even get the yes or no. But everything you said in the beginning is me, I constantly feel so misunderstood. I hope that you have continued your growth, and being a year later, you are the best you! Thank you for sharing!

There are many INFJs in the world but i just relate to how you phrase words and how you process things. I also over explain things with analogies but I do it to explain my intentions if my loved one is not getting me. Today morning I found your videos and it made my day because someone is there who I can relate to at more deeper level. You are doing amazing work....👍

Great video! Thank you!!

I have experienced this so much and I love that Seth Godin quote.

4:50 That's Ti child and Te blind spot, we are not able to play along with what other people believe is true, just to keep a light conversation

This was a very insightful and inspiring video. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us. I would indeed like to see much more content similar to this kind of topic

This is why I journal! You speek to me.

What’s sad is when a child as young as 8 talks like this all the time. All because of a narc mother who is void of connection so the child is constantly trying to prove herself.

@Clay Arnall I discovered your channel at the peak of a metamorphic stage in my life. I especially appreciate this video since you let me hear what I needed to hear. It would be great to chat sometimes. I really have to get the wheels turning with some things.

I absolutely love this soooo much❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

That's me. And Im a doormat too. Not on purpose. I appear weak, but Im not.

This was so good.

Wow... so much the same as me. I've had to do much the same... and even cut back what I want to say. I have to keep it very light and simple... one person is my dad. I have found the easiest way is to make a joke about myself in a way that relates to what I want to say... right at the start. It seems to set a good tone for the rest of what I have to say, people are more receptive and less threatened.

I love this channel ❤️

This used to be me many years ago. No more! This video is dope.

yes. 100000% I used to be that to the extreme now it's just not bad, but because I'm mostly alone all day every day, and when with people- the right people tell me they get me and they engage in the conversation ... and the wrong people it's just obvious they don't understand and can't relate to what I'm about.

Great great video!!!

Thank you 🧡

brilliant. God's been developing this in me, also... one big thing that has tripped me up in toxic relationships is thinking "well, if I can just get them to understand, it'll be okay" so I spent hours and hours and hours pouring my heart out (often while sobbing because I allowed it to get to me so deeply), just to realize they still don't get it and probably will NEVER get it and don't even care... so the swine analogy is a great one to keep in mind... and I, too, am learning to be a lot more selective who I talk to... thanks.