Well written.

It's almost been a year of no contract for me as well. I still think about it a lot but you're right. 10 years

Same😔

I’m with you. Next week will mark one year NC, but I feel weak for still having days filled with sadness of the loss of what I thought I had (love bomb manipulation )and the future I believed was ours to come (future faking manipulation ). I “know” now it was all a lie, but that almost makes it worse. I’m missing an illusion!! But each day gets a little better.

To all of you, there is a somatic effect from narcissistic abuse. I have found a couple of natural compounds to help me through: organic Lion's Mane mushroom supplements (my trusted source is Longevity Botanicals) and Lemon Balm, (currently I use a tincture, raw leaves from my plants (seasonal) and tea). This help the body cope with the anxiety and depression that stems from the abuse. It's a crucial step to recovery.

Someone who never existed. It's so hard.

Praying for you.🙏❤️

@@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723 thank you, Amen

Amen. 🙏 I like your idea.

@@carmnose thank you, I know what it feels like to be alienated from the world, we need to be there for each other.

🙏🏼

Facts! I’m going through this now. We have a one year old son and she’s 5 months pregnant now and discarded me and moved out while I was at work. Then she blocked me without even a conversation on what the problem was! Smh… how could anyone be so cruel to anyone else

Not getting closure should be your closure. A narcissist tries to avoid closure to leave a door of possibility open for your potential supply.

Their refusal to allow you closure IS the closure

I can relate. My soon to be ex husband (Covert Narc) together for 25 years married for 19. I become so angry sometimes because I think about multiple incidents or situations and think, was that real or was that female he introduced me to or brought into our home really his cousin like he said. At times I find myself second guessing our entire life together. So much so I try to keep busy when I start ruminating. It's difficult realizing I've given everything, all of me to this person and it was all just one big lie. I cant get all those years back, it angers me.

@@Qd322 i feel ya, now when i think about there were two incidences that stood out to me. one, when i pulled up to the coffee shop. i saw a woman outside with him, but they were walking away from each and behaved like they didn’t know it other, i wondered about that. two, he would talk in the third person about how his friends were cheating on their wives, my gut feeling, now, he was talking about himself. i took so much disrespect from him. it’s like i want to date, but i don’t want to date. i’ve come to realize there are some real predators out here. i am comforted by the fact that i won’t ignore red flags, and take my time getting to know someone..

This explains what I’m feeling exactly

@@vanessaspeaks I listen to Dr Ramani a lot, she is very helpful. I’ve been thinking about her last two videos. one, it is not your fault for your abuse, even if you did date this person. i always knew something was wrong. i also knew that i did far more for him than he did for me. it never made any sense why it was never enough until i realized it wasn’t me. two, i’m not interested in seeing this man ever, ever again. three, i see where my blind spots, it is very important to know your weaknesses because narcs will scan you like a document to use them against. i can honestly say that i’m in no hurry to get involved anytime soon. right now, i’m working on making my life better.

@@bagels3050 ♥️ I really appreciate this and that’s exactly where I am too. Just focusing on myself.

Check out Dr les Carter! Surviving narcissism channel 🔥🔥

Unfortunately, its not your fault these people have deep deep issues and can't face them. When they find kind hearted folks like us they find the validation in that and involuntarily do anything in their power to keep things in that place b/c its hard for them to face the truth that comes with growth and change.

Check out HG Tudor

I did the same, watching videos for weeks, and I thought I was through 2 months ago, but now, after 6 months the grief came back big time...so strong that I seriously consider reaching out to her and see if she maybe changed (I know, probably never gonna happen... but still my heart yearns)

Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed sociopath (might be psychopath. I forget, but it was diagnosed a while ago under old terminology). Please be careful listening to his ramblings. He does make some good points but his degree isn’t actually real. It was bought from a certificate factory. Research the guy further before taking advice from him or absorbing his teachings. Please be careful who you are taking psychological info from. His cold therapy or whatever he was calling it is just another form of abuse.

well said! Thank you

❤

In the same boat right now, this man was just using me for his entertainment while probably having a whole other family in a different city, he would always get these phonecalls when we were together n he would ignore them or answer them in a different room, he claimed it was his sister n I believed it because he convinced me he wanted to be with me but he was sometimes so mean and rude, dismissive and kept negotiating boundaries instead of respecting them. He ended things after getting what he wanted and I was a mess, tne wound is still fresh n I hate that I can't get passed it I'm so angry, I just want relief I feel stuck

I got out. There were so many loses after 17 years. But the is bright and beautiful life afterwards. I've grown so much thanks to Dr Ramani! Love her wisdom!

@@sandrapisarski6597 I feel encouraged by your hopeful outcome. It is so affirming to read everyone's comments and stories, especially the ones that turn out well. Those who are in it know very intimately how painful and confusing the process is. This community is truly a lifeline.

Me too I was with a Malignant narcissist and he was extremely abusive and I left a year ago and I still trying to get past it

I am exactly where you are. I packed his things and made him leave two days ago. I often experience emotions two-three days later and today the grief seems overwhelming. The timing of this video is impeccable and divine.

@@jamikay72 It *is* overwhelming! For whatever it's worth, I commend you for the courageous act. May you encounter loving support and understanding in the time to come.

I pray you are doing well. You just described myself…every bit of it except I just turned 50. I, too, am just figuring out what has driven me ALWAYS to be in dysfunctional relationships. Thank God my eyes are now being opened & for Dr Ramani! Best wishes to you for continued growth & healing.

Thank you, Mary. I'm so angry and sad and exhausted. I'm still waiting on peace and rest in my soul.

@@shelleykapp9637 It will come. This is the hard part.

@@maryswanson9982 ❤

Thank you for that timeline. It makes sense. I keep thinking I should be further along and yet when I look back, I am so much better than I was. But some days I feel like I rapid cycle, one minute feeling grief, then anger, etc. much of the anger has passed, but I still see those emotions as hindering my healing.

AMEN 🙏🏼

Thank you for the encouragement!

I feel the same. I don't know him.😢

Yes! I'm grieving all those lost opportunities. All my creative babies that didn't get to be born.

Same here.

Same girl, same. His way or " there's the door."

@@suzanne4396he literally said to me several times “if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just broke up with a narsc and feel horrible. Cant even imagine what you are going through.

so sorry.i too have now healed from a narc lover.he totally refused to go,he could even jump over in the compound where I live.we fought bt finally he bowed down simply becoz because I too played mad,I no longer care if he himself don't care.all the best.

Sending you love x

I understand. Remember. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. It's hard when it's your immediate family. You're going to make it.cant I did.

I did

I absolutely love this. Forgiveness is healing. Forgiving ourselves for allowing it for so long and even forgiving them and letting them go. ❤️‍🩹 Going through this now

I’ve tried praying for mine too, and I’m agnostic. It’s cathartic and also a form of compassion I recommend

Amen🙏🏼

I was going to have a memorial service of sorts, but then my therapist said ‘in your mind, walk him to a doorway filled with light (divine light). Push him through the door and into the light. Then close the door.’ If I recall, I think she said slam the door! That helped break the cord attachment. Jesus met him at the door. My work is done.

🙏

Omg...I'm really sorry this happened. 37 years is massive enough to think you're meant to be together...❤

@@jackolantern8315 thanks 😊

Ken check out h.g Tudor as well as Dr Ramani it might help

Hey Ken, you know I have benn discarded many times before. Everytime I got hoovered back After 2 Werks. It went well for some time and the devaluing and discarding started again before I knew. Finally today after 2 yeara I ended thinks and am petrified. What i have learned from the hoovering (8 times) is nothing was genuine. So, I know. What hurts is probably the feeling of it could have been different. But it never will be!!

Watch Richard Grannon, he put out a lot of really helpful stuff...helped me so much to get it from a guy. Other than that, stay strong and go to the gym daily. It helps.

I feel you, it is heartbreaking. Been sadly there multiple times, but I can assure you it gets better. If you manage to break the cycle and "use" this window to escape, I garantie the "fog" will start dissipating and you'll feel good with yourself again, stronger than before. wish you all the best!

Dear Ken, I know the engulfing pain you are in. I was there very recently.The cliché is true: it does get better. The key is allowing yourself to feel all of the wretched, airless, horrible feelings of this: the most intense hurting you may ever have experienced in your life. This pain is REAL and INTENSE. The trauma bond is TOUGH. It's a real trial by fire, and does feel like dying. But it will get better. Trust me. I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't focus on anything but the tragedy of losing the relationship. I withdrew from virtually all of my family and friends. My parenting skills went down a few notches: I just didn't have the bandwith. Took lots of time off work. Replayed the shocking blindsiding convo over and over in my mind. I couldn't function, except to sit and stare and cry. It was like an alien take-over! I was so in love with my narcissist, that I truly couldn't imagine life without him, and I couldn't bear the thought of him with the new gfs that he had already lined up before totally blindsiding me out of the blue. But doing the work is the cure: I found 3 trusted confidantes among my friends, found low-cost therapy, I'm writing extensively about my feelings in my journal, distracting myself with projects (paint the kitchen, declutter the office, learn a coding language...) and-most of all-I amt turning all of the love and attention and time and energy I used to pour into him, into ME, instead. I realized that I missed myself SO MUCH! And am finally recognizing myself in the mirror again. No more alien take-over. Healing takes time, but it is worth it. You'll see. You will come through this. You will come back to life. You are not alone. I'm sending you strength and wishing you well.

Hello! Good question. I looked up constructive anger once I realized I was mad. The bottom line answer was being mad enough to know I didn't deserve what I got, and ready to do something about it. I'm still in, but detached, indifferent, healing to a degree, and making plans. I hope you get other comments besides mine because (especially Dr. Ramanis' take on it). All good things to you.☔ ⛅ 🌈

same thing happened with me. Although I broke up w him only 6 days ago I was already grieving 2 months in the relationship... my anger lasted a few days during and after the relationship. Felt like shit until 3 days ago I believe? Now I feel pretty much neutral. But I know I'm healing

@@lightimagay00 That’s good - and congratulations on a healthy decision. 😊 💕 As for me, I have much longer lasting anger. When I left for good (there was hoovering going on prior), there was a last straw that completely snapped my “patience and goodwill” back. My Ex persisted in not respecting my boundaries, despite multiple verbal and written requests to give me space, so I went no contact. If I’m honest, I still feel negative about him many months later. He is persistent, game-playing, stalkerish type. I’m definitely not neutral.

@@lightimagay00 That’s good - and congratulations on a healthy decision. 😊 💕 As for me, I have much longer lasting anger. When I left for good (there was hoovering going on prior), there was a last straw that completely snapped my “patience and goodwill” back. My Ex persisted in not respecting my boundaries, despite multiple verbal and written requests to give me space, so I went no contact. If I’m honest, I still feel negative about him many months later. He is persistent, game-playing, stalkerish type. I’m definitely not neutral.

@@brassgal5039 my last straw was when he made me cry for the hundreth time and I was blowing my nose and he mocked me blowing my nose in the most childish way ever. That alone made me tell him "nah you're done." and after shouting at him how much I hate him and never want to see him ever again I blocked him everywhere. Everytime I miss him I think about him mocking my simple act of blowing my nose w a tissue and immediately turn off all my past feelings for him

Keep pushing forwards Jonathan. Day by day, choose your own life. Make yourself the number one project. Be determined to put right the wrongs for yourself. I am on the same journey as you my friend. Not every day will be a good one, but we are free and will thrive. good luck to you.

This is what narcisistic people do....they immediatly Go for Somebody new or sometimes even commit suicide because they are Not able to be without a Partner to Start the Same Thing again...

YES!! His reconnecting with a female friend from his teen years, -- 27 years ago -- and starting a " great relationship with a girl 👧 🙄🙄🙄 ( she's 44!!) that I'm Really into " bothered me the most. He did it withing 3 weeks of my ending it and blocking him. It hurt. But -- a zebra doesn't change its stripes - eventually he'll be the same with Her. His way or the highway, the invalidating, the dismissiveness and most of all, the constant, never-ending pathological LYING -- he'll never change, he'll never be a Good man. He'll never be forthcoming with the Truth or be 100% honest. An example: he's in a " great relationship & shes so awesome" but he STILL contacts ME to " get together at a hotel... for, well, you know what.. So Still being a Cheater, still being unscrupulous and Entitled. I have to remember that; and I hope you do, too. Sending you strength!!!

You've got this. Stay safe, be as wise as possible, forgive yourself past choices and take your time

I hear you and see you, having just gone through this. Our kids are grown, so little or no contact will be possible. Your grieving will end and you'll have joy and peace in a new life with your kids. Cheering you on.

Amen

Please be very kind to yourself you both deserve peace and happiness and reach out and ask for support from professional people let go of the anger it will take your energy Please do ask gp for counselling very best wishes to you both

Give yourself another chapter in your book. I'm 64 and have dealt with this abuse since birth - literally. Then I saw a comment where a woman expected to ride what looked like the last turbulent wave and await death, as she was advanced in years. She looked around at her stuff, her life, her feelings, and said, "This isn't fair"! She decided before closing her story, she would give herself one more chapter. One that she would write, that she would live, and that she would remember. She did - and still is! I decided to do the same. It's my life - and they're not getting it all! I'm still 'in' but making plans, and doing better already. Better days ahead for you too, dear heart. ☔ ⛅ 🌈

It's sad he couldn't have just been nice to you but instead chose to be an adversary.

I’m sorry. 😢What mixed emotions you are feeling. I pray you truly find peace and fulfillment. 🙏🏼❤

@@Zoeybelle13 so kind.

I stayed for similar reasons, and left at my lowest point as I felt my life was in danger, I was being discarded and didn’t get it until, I finally figured it out. But, I want to add that although it’s been the toughest time of my 55 years, it’s the best gift I’ve ever given myself and turning out to be a gift to our mutual child, in many ways as well. My health improved, my finances dropped but I’m fine with that if it was the cost of the freedom I now have…. I pray you are ok? I don’t judge nor blame anyone choosing to stay for whatever reason, I did! For many reasons, Hope was one Big one, so I grieve that too. Wishing you all of the best.🙏❤️

@@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723 you sweetheart! Thank you. I'm 65, married 38 years, and the puzzle pieces of what was going on only started to fall into place about 2 years ago. Boy, did it explain alot. I have a wonderful group of friends who keep me going. But there is no denying the toll it has all taken on me emotionally. Thank you for your kind words. I'm happy you found your way out. If I knew in my early 50's what I now know (that it wasn't going to get any better---hope, as you mentioned), I'd have made my exit.

I am staying for simular reasons. My husband has a chunk of money and after al his abuse I will be damned if I do not make sure to get a fair settlement. I remind him how much a divorce attorney for both sides would be etc I am now a few weeks away from being able to get a little less than half... I am ok with that. It is not a whole lot. But enough to help me and my son to start over. If people can not understand that, they can just mind their own business then! My husband was a serious malignant narc he loved to play his head games and even threw away, basically, a hundred thousand dollars of what is really... Should have been my money. And that was so hard for me to not be seriously even more pissed off with bitterness and hate towarda his despicable soul. He even managed to heve me lose such a strong sense of my own idently that I moved to another country with him... Again, if people think they could have done better, let them go though it and see how well thwy would have done. I always went back and forth, believing he was mentally abusive on purpose (not till several years into the marriage) and then times I would believe that he probably had the mental problem where they are like a child in the brain... There was times I would seriously believe it was not that he was vindictive but some other mental problem. People truly have no right to judge. And people truly do not know how difficult it is to be so emotionally abused by the spouse that is supposed to be your soul mate. 😢

@@yellowdayz1800 so true! Unless one experiences the insidious abuse of a narc, they haven't a clue of what you are trying to endure. I've stopped explaining to anyone except a very small (3) group of people who soooo have my husband's number. He gets NOTHING past them.

I have to stay with fam due to health and finances. If I could get out would. Distance gives more perspective. It's a relief *n some ways to see im not the only one who has to stay put ✌

Suggest another YT channel that may help you understand how the pieces (trauma, addiction, upbringing) fit together: Tim Fletcher. kzfaq.info

Never drank myself until i met him. Feel you

Much love. It’s a journey and isn’t linear. Feel it, understand it. It’s extremely intense grief.

Congratulations on your two weeks. It will get better.

I got myself off of Major pain meds with the assistance of my pharmacist’s knowledge, had been on those meds 10 years (methadone, for physical pain). You will look back and know your stronger than you felt, and wiser than you knew! For me I think myself quiet resilient as I tapered off those meds on my own, during stalking, grief…. You’ve Got This! Talk to a pharmacist about how to deal with the physical side of alcohol reduction. Asking for information helped me immensely! Best wishes to you!

SAME!!!!

Me too. 🙏

Same here girl 😕

Same thing happened to me. Thankfully, another person came to my defense and wrote a comment calling the person out for attacking me. I mean, it wasn't just one nasty comment but a string of them. It left me wary of joining in conversations like this for awhile.

@@shelleykapp9637 Sorry you went through that. I'm glad someone else came to your defense. Ignorance may be a reason some people say those things. Either that or they are trolls that feel powerful by kicking others when they are down.

What is DABDA?

@@carmnose Hi. DABDA is the acronym for the steps in the process of grief. People don't have to go through the steps in order and sometimes people will bounce around a bit, but it usually goes like this: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally at the end Acceptance. When you reach acceptance it means you've come to a place of peace with yourself about what was lost.

So true!

Dr. Ramini also does brilliant podcasts on you tube She is absolutely gifted & a life line for us survivors.🌹

I feel this entirely, thank you for sharing.

NM are psychos. They'll go into a rage over the slightest perceived offence, try and groom you to be exactly the same and put down any individuality and set you up for failure and laugh about it when you fail. I'll be happy when my NM is gone too. I'm sure she'll try to leave me something in her will to try and punish me for going no contact.

Just can relate. I feel like though times are ahead of me

Cling to the saying "I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect"!!

Please let go of any hope you have left that she will change!!! I wasted 3 decades hoping mine would change, start to like me and love me unconditionally like a mother should. The biggest regret I have now is waiting 3 decades for that and hanging onto that sliver of hope! She is NOT going to change!! A narc's ego is a million times more important to them than their own offspring's feelings and well-being!! They are sick. REFUSE to let them infect you any longer!!

That radical realization that she never loved you must have been hard. Those who don't understand narcissism won't get that it's possible for a parent to hate their child and try to dominate them to the point of total destruction.

@@rwdchannel2901 😳wow. Thank u for your input fr💯

We are a community, and it’s lovely to connect with those alike. ❤️

Dude! Im 21 years out and I still have weird dreams that he is married to his current wife but lives with me and the kids. Its probably an abandonment issue for us. He just quick replaced us. New wife, new kids. I ache for those kids, knowing what he did to mine. So why the dreams??? He is a baaad man. Hugs!

Amen, our mutual child is an adult, my X was an only child, and our child is an only child, so that too complicates things. I try to be there for my child and try to listen to her concerns for her other parent but my feelings are So Loaded, it’s Exhausting and I try not to poison any waters, as she has the Right to Love both of her parents. I think to do otherwise is Toxic, even if he trashed me. I want her to deal with her perspective not mine…. Sooo complicated indeed. When she brings up stressors regarding her other parent I can only say, I understand. Otherwise I’m at a loss. It truly triggers me when she is so stressed. But I have to put my feelings aside to a great degree, but even that triggers me as I acted as the peacemaker, and I really try not to play that role anymore. Again I do not say potentially hurtful things nor anything that could be perceived as negative but don’t want to justify toxic either… ugh.

You can do it! ❤

We are in similar situations. I, too, have had to cut off my whole family. It is difficult, but like you, I wish I would have done it sooner. Thankfully, we found the path of awareness and recovery! Dr. Ramani has been a huge part of that.

@@kristischark5590 Yes she has and I’m so so sorry you’ve lived this too xx❤️❤️❤️💔