Covert Emotional Abuse Explained With 3 Relationship Examples

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Күн бұрын

Covert emotional abuse is extremely subtle and can tear you down slowly over time. At the end, you may feel like you've lost your sense of self entirely. In this video, I break down what covert emotional abuse looks like with 3 relationship examples that may help you identify if you're in a relationship with a covert abuser.
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#covertabuse #covertnarcissist #emotionalabuse
*In this video, I share the tips, techniques and insights that have worked for me in my own journey of healing after narcissistic abuse along with expert tips and tools I've learned through years of coaching narcissistic abuse survivors. I am not a therapist and this video is not meant to provide therapy of any form. #narcissist #covertnarcissist

Пікірлер: 443

@raindog8802 4 жыл бұрын

The narcissist's objective is to diminish your sense of self, because they are threatened by anything they perceive as reducing their control over you and the relationship.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

So right! They need that control to feel worthy. It's extremely destructive on SO many levels.

@pegasus5148 4 жыл бұрын

Rain Dog; That is exactly right!

@elled10024 Жыл бұрын

👏🏻 well said!

@jcsrst 4 жыл бұрын

Once you see the light it's very hard to walk back into the dark.

@janineleahy7329 3 жыл бұрын

Yes that is true because you like me and many other were in the light before who wants to live in the dark that why it takes so much out of you that why made me I'll don't do dark people lol

@ladennayoung2939 3 жыл бұрын

And you SHOULDN'T go back into that. God revealed it to you, and brought it out of you for a reason.

@narcissistinjurygiver2932 4 жыл бұрын

a covert spits on you and tells you that you are crazy as it is raining.

@Starlight111x 4 жыл бұрын

The plausible deniabilty one is VERY accurate for covert narcissist. My ex had an excuse for literally every messed up thing he said or did or anything disrespectful.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

They usually like to be seen as a nice person who would never harm anyone, so most of the abuse is very subtle

@Starlight111x 4 жыл бұрын

@@CommonEgo very true. The part about the mask eventually slipping is almost scary, the person at the end is a complete different one to at the beginning.

@roshawngreene7069 4 жыл бұрын

My ex-gf has done the VERY same thing to me.

@Kay-lc7wv Жыл бұрын

Plausible denialbility and covert abuse go hand in hand.

@Specialkfree Жыл бұрын

OMG YES! My ex had an excuse for everything!!

@bratzsnoopy 3 жыл бұрын

You almost always see a smile or a smirk flashing when they say demeaning things Dated a covert narc and he always had this strange smile on his face when he was gaslighting me and excusing his horrible behavior. Trust your gut, folks!

@Nina94771 Жыл бұрын

Yup, in the face of your pain and anguish they can’t hide the gleam in their eyes

@graceface418 4 жыл бұрын

You don't realize how much it's hurting you until you get to the point where you've bled out... So true!

@GardenGrownGreens Жыл бұрын

Yeah I felt that one for real

@ashleyzrubek6404 3 жыл бұрын

What about promises they never intended to keep or deflecting and always beating around the bush but never taking responsibility?

@issavirgo6079 2 жыл бұрын

That's called Future Faking...A Very Important Trait With Narcs

@gt9188 2 жыл бұрын

Don't forget those passive/loaded questions riddled with anger and malicious intent!

@Urkinorobitch 4 жыл бұрын

They throw a passive agressive insult and then make it seem like they are gifting us with their honesty.

@lorrainemiller799 4 жыл бұрын

My story for all you lovely people out there - this is just one example of what it was like living with a convert narcissist...... I used to get concerned about the way my ex-husband of 22 years treated me, the way he constantly neglected me and criticized me. If I attempted to bring it up, I’d only be met with his stony silence. He’d tell me I’m overreacting. When I tried to explain myself, he’d abruptly say, “I am done, I can’t do this anymore!” and then leave the house without another word. He’d return 2-3 hours later and either go to bed or to his office to sulk or watch TV in stony silence, anything to keep ignoring me. Then, the next day he’d get up as if nothing had happened. If I tried to bring up the incident, he’d say “Not this again… why do you always have to cause fights????!!” Then I’d be in a panic that I’d gone too far this time. I could see I’d made him really angry, even more than normal…..…..and I think to myself “why did I say that last night ,why didn’t I just let sleeping dogs lie?? By saying what I said, I was risking a much harsher punishment, another threat that he’d leave me, perhaps he might really do it this time??? Omg my stomach would be in knots. Or, instead, he might decide to punish me with a much longer silent treatment, one that goes on for days or even weeks, one that even he can’t get out of this time as he’s stuck in that black place in his mind. Maybe he’s totally lost it this time and I’ll never get him back??? Omg I want him back, what have I done????. That is how bad it gets living with a narcissist, it is absolute torture and you become a shell of yourself, too scared to say anything in case you upset them and start the merry-go

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

I like to call it an emotional rollercoaster. These relationships take a very serious toll 🙏❤

@steadypace1262 4 жыл бұрын

Very good description of life with a covert narc partner.It's a constant roller coaster ride everyday.The covert narc makes you feel totally frustrated.Rejoice if you have found your freedom from frustration and emotional pain.Stay emotionally free.

@emmawest3583 4 жыл бұрын

I’ve never seen it explained, but this is exactly how I felt towards the end of my marriage. I was stuck in a situation where I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I was at a lost of what to do.

@steadypace1262 4 жыл бұрын

@@emmawest3583 This is why we feel so alone in these narc relationships,they make us feel lost.We feel like we are a little lost sheep looking for safety and comfort.

@workinprogress3085 4 жыл бұрын

Very well explained. Its that feeling right there, that you just put into words, that I can not stand. So I did something about it. I said how I felt anyways, as best as I could all the while he was interrupting me and dismissing me and telling how much he doesn't care to hear it. I spoke my feelings and it felt AMAZING. I told him that if he wants to be around me, that I will not tolerate his negative treatment towards me anymore and I left him with the icky feeling. It didn't belong to me, now it is his to deal with and since he 'doesn't' care, I feel as if we are both unbothered in a sense.

@tracywilliams9419 4 жыл бұрын

Yes ....the silent treatment if they can't get their own way...my grand children are better behaved than that !! Lol...been free since April...every day gets better thanks to people like you and your videos. I still have the odd day when i feel angry or sad but those days are becoming less and less...x 🙂

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

The covert abuse can be tough to label. So glad to hear you're out. We all deserve better! 🙏❤

@juhu3709 4 жыл бұрын

Listening to this made me feel sick. Don‘t let anyone do this to you!!

@jnanashakti6036 4 жыл бұрын

I'm finding myself confused. I think I've always been emotionally abused in relationships, both romantic and platonic, in so many relationships. It's starting to tear at my reality a little. This is hard.

@mistorie8630 4 жыл бұрын

My mother was the narc. She withheld all affection from me; no hugs, no words of encouragement or support, no emotional support. My sister, the golden child, was my emotional, physical, and verbal abuser with my mother silently looking on. There were the occasional offhand criticisms from my mother but she said these comments came from my sister so as not to look like the “bad guy.” My sister and I were made to act as mortal enemies at my mothers pleasure. I went no contact more than 15 years ago to save my sanity.

@Emeraldcity70 2 жыл бұрын

I understand. I am currently the caretaker for my covert narc elderly mother. We live together. It's 24 hours a day of negativity, covert jabs, and feeling worthless. The worst part- the moments when I whisper to myself "I wish she would die"-and then I hate myself 30 minutes later for thinking it.

@johns512 2 жыл бұрын

Went no contact with my covert narc mother about 2 years ago. My life is so much better! I don't want to be anywhere near her.

@kayabe856 4 жыл бұрын

I had a guy tell me he wanted to be honest with me. He starts saying how he never was gonna marry me because he didn’t find me attractive and blah blah blah.. I blocked him so he never had a chance to apologize. That was the last straw for me.

@karenwallace5855 4 жыл бұрын

Out of the blue, she said "I'm leaving. You need to change." I laughed and said "That's funny...I need to change?? I don't even know who I am anymore."

@jackiematney7789 4 жыл бұрын

Karen, your wife /girlfriend? If so, I have questions about your situation!

@sabrinabowden-hughes1730 4 жыл бұрын

I have been out of my marriage with a narcissist for 7 years I remember the last few months saying to myself and praying to God and saying God who am I because I knew I wasn't who he and his family and my stepkids was saying I was but I totally lost who I was and it takes years and much soul searching and Bible reading to heal

@thatgirlcocoa 4 жыл бұрын

I lost who I was too.

@johns512 2 жыл бұрын

The narc doesn't know who they are at all. They have no feelings so they observe and mimic what they "ought" to be feeling. It's eery when they are faced with something like a death in the family or a friend suffering emotionally. They try to act out the situation and sometimes in a very weird way. Bottom line is that they are empty, soulless shells. That is why they get bored so easy. They need constant mental and/or physical stimulus because that is all they have ... affairs are a very common type of activity to keep them stimulated. They can't stand slowing down and looking at themselves. They are horrified of looking at the dark void within.

@waterwiccax Жыл бұрын

I remember that… my ex would say that exact thing. “Sorry, I don’t want to be with you no more” After silent treatment

@filsed 4 жыл бұрын

There are many channels on YT about covert narcissistic disorder but your videos are absolutely the best! Thank you.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words... made my day! 🙏❤

@theaklein4039 4 жыл бұрын

First video that actually explains completely covert narcissist. Exactly what I went through

@natalie9884 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed :)

@conqururfear 3 жыл бұрын

LISA ROMANO is good 2

@daughterofsekhmet81 4 жыл бұрын

My ex used to do the devil's advocate thing all the time. Made me feel like I was wrong, nitpicky, and overreacting about absolutely everything until I just stopped sharing any feelings or opinions with him. He also would do this thing where if we were out shopping and another customer came up next to me, he would sort of nudge me over while saying "let's move out of their way". I couldn't quite identify why at the time but it always embarrassed me, like he thought I was some child with no spatial awareness who's always getting in the way. I was just minding my business picking out food like everyone else in the store but its like he wanted to make a show of putting everyone else's needs over mine. I guess that might fall under the "nice guy" facade.

@starmaze3250 3 жыл бұрын

Omg, treating me like a child. I thought “There he goes with his ego again “. I didn’t think of it as emotional abuse just that he was a control freak. However we had some friends move to our city. We surprised them with champagne, food and made it look nice. It brought tears to their eyes and I got teared up. Later he announced to the whole room I started crying. To make him sound important? What was that? I just figured he was too stupid to know any better.

@tessarae9127 3 жыл бұрын

Yikes, I knew someone who would do that and would heavily imply I’m a bad person if I wouldn’t listen haha. Never dated that, thank god.

@tessarae9127 3 жыл бұрын

But yeah, my mom is the first one 💯. One time another friend of mine turned out to be abusive and decided to let their true colors show on a roadblock (a milestone in our friendship, something a lot of toxic and abusive people do) and long story short I decided to get out of the car in the middle of the desert in Wyoming because I *literally* moved a stick when we were building a campfire, which then brought on a days long episode of devaluing, screaming, threatening me etc. When I made it back to my mom she found a way to side with this abuser (she’s always done that). I can truly say I hate people who so are so disconnected to that level and want to be the complete opposite of that.

@claratreeborn8647 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for these examples!! I can totally relate.

@karysgriffiths-derose6241 2 жыл бұрын

This has happened to me much too often also.. Another thing that voes along with the treating like child stuff... is he says well done for doing basic tasks like answering the phone to the boiler guy whos coming over (or something like that) Im an ex uni student and i consider myself intelligent and it would infuriate me and he would say alright calm down im complimenting you. I would have to justify my anger that he is belittling me and he would say im argumentative. But it was constant infantilising

@markusbenedict7651 2 жыл бұрын

It's unreal how accurate this is. Until being encouraged to look into covert emotional abuse, I would've never even considered it. I thought I simply wasn't good enough, and that the psychological disruption I've been trying to heal from for almost a year now was just me being weak.

@danic2514 3 жыл бұрын

I remember when coming out of that terrible relationship I called myself a frog in a pot. He kept pushing my boundaries and breaking me down more and more over time until I think what’s happening is normal. It happens very subtly until you start getting into the really overt terrible stuff. It’s like the old allegory of a frog in a pot. If you throw the frog into boiling water it’ll jump out. However, if you slowly turn up the heat on the frog it will boil to death.

@ServantStatusMinistries 3 жыл бұрын

That is an excellent analogy for this type of situation!

@brightpage1020 9 ай бұрын

They really have trouble with boundaries - just yours though. And a double standard about their own, right? It's a dominance thing.

@jessicarae6879 4 жыл бұрын

My soon-to-be-ex would always tell me "wow you look so cute! And that dress will be even cuter when you lose weight." With a big smile. I struggled with an eating disorder for years, and still do. He knew that.

@christinabrenneman7641 3 жыл бұрын

Wow..that sounds so similar to my mom's.."you'd have such a nice figure if you lost some weight". Hope you have some safe people to heal around. 😘

@Jessica-iq6kj Жыл бұрын

My ex said the same things to me.

@soleil7652 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this. I have felt like an idiot for so long. First, for staying with my emotionally & verbally abusive partner (I remember wishing he would physically abuse me, so I had something concrete for others to see). And now that I have left him, I feel like an idiot for not seeing what was going on. I am educated, and I'm a smart person. I feel so stupid for being fooled for so long. For years, I looked for answers to reduce my cognitive dissonance (ADHD, Bipolar Disorder). And although I recognized some narcissistic traits (self-centred, never wrong, never taking responsibility for his own behaviour, false apologies, lack of empathy), I never once suspected narcissism, as I thought all narcissists were grandiose (interestingly, my husband's sister is a grandiose/malignant narcissist, and my husband and I have discussed it many times).

@jamesarmstrong4179 2 жыл бұрын

Stephanie Kelford,You got a lovely smile

@StLProgressive 4 жыл бұрын

I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped explain what happened in my marriage. I had no idea that covert narcissism was even a thing. I’ve spent the 3 years after my marriage ended trying to figure out what the heck just happened. It took months of therapy for me to realize that I was being emotionally abused. The constant put downs, but he was ‘just joking.’ Nothing I did was right. The worst part, though, was him withholding affection and sex. The damage to my self esteem was severe. I understand what was really going on now.

@biancamomot3980 2 жыл бұрын

Amy B out of everyone s comments your s I TRULY, DEEPLY UNDERSTAND. WITHHOLDING ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE FORM OF ANYTHING. Won't answer a kind question Won't hug kiss talk sex NOTHING AT ALL 😭

@AM-zk4vn 4 жыл бұрын

My ex was so covert it is hard to pinpoint specifics. More like lack of connection, lack of interest. But how amazing was every other woman in his life! And as a primary school teacher and women's gymnastics coach, there were a LOT of other women. Did he cheat. I don't think so. He wanted adoration. Sometimes I could give specific examples. Most of the time though, I was simply confused and increasingly depressed

@claratreeborn8647 2 жыл бұрын

Same :( Thank you for sharing your story. So hard to explain it. But the feelings are undeniable.

@dgmmo 4 жыл бұрын

Had a covert narc as a work colleague thought I was going nuts. Blamed me on everything I ended up leaving.

@nicolearesca1054 3 жыл бұрын

Death by paper cut is so accurate as well. I knew something was wrong but until I had a complete breakdown, did I realise who he was. Very charming, sweet, loving but covertly abusive. Honestly it's horrific.

@Booboonancy 4 жыл бұрын

Plausible deniability is the zone they make sure to stay in.

@aliceroberts1980 4 жыл бұрын

This is what happened to me is was always excused away or little things I didn’t know it was abuse until it got really bad . He’s definitely a covert narcissist. Thanks for the video it so hard to explain or see why you so feel so bad. But finding out is just the beginning ! After years of subtle abuse. He never wanted to support me or hear about my problems or feelings. If I did mention my feelings he would explode like me even having feels was crime or it hurt him some how.

@PiscesSista 4 жыл бұрын

Omg! Exactly! The! Same!

@BlondShellShock 2 жыл бұрын

This was a freaking constant for years. I couldn’t even grill a meal or change my oil without being made to feel incompetent. Shit was weird. Looking back (9 months out); I have exactly zero clue as to how I dealt with it for 7 years. Other than the outward signs of severe stress (hair loss, skin issues, sleep deprivation, night terrors, FoF response); it seemed mostly normal. The narrative was formed around me that I was apparently on drugs. All of our friends and family assumed that bc I was completely insecure around them due to being scared and feeling guilty all of the time. Not to mention when we were around them, suddenly he’s a Chatty Cathy and I sit there quietly scared to death I am going to say something that I would regret later. Months later, the truth came out and now people are seeing the true colors and dwelling on it, while I am moving on. Now they are the ones mad while I continue moving forward. Life is weird as hell.

@juliabegins8312 10 ай бұрын

But is that healed I want healed

@montelo555 4 жыл бұрын

I also thought all along that emotional abuse is verbally abusive. Couldn’t label it as abuse.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

This was such a difficult thing for me to wrap my head around. Thankfully, we know better now! And with more information out there, I hope others can learn before getting caught up in it.❤🙏

@montelo555 4 жыл бұрын

Yes. I hope the same. Even for someone like me watching these videos and studying narcissistic abuse for some years, I missed it. Its since last few months I’m actually able to see it And make sense of some stuffs my covert narc father does and thankfully validating my feelings as aftermath. Awareness about the emotional abuse is very critical. In its all forms.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

@@montelo555 So true! And I'm glad to hear you're on the road to healing! Like you've said, the first step is understanding. Only then can you start to see the many ways it impacts your life and behavior. ❤🙏

@montelo555 4 жыл бұрын

@@CommonEgo You're doing a great job spreading awareness. I also do what I can for now. I watched your videos on covert narcissists and they're spot on. :)

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you... that means a lot! ❤🙏

@warorislam 4 жыл бұрын

How do narcs get ahead. By disrespecting and putting others down. Narcs can think what they want but they will never beat an empath!.

@snarkasticsquid2435 3 жыл бұрын

Ah, shit. “Death by paper cut”...that one really hit hard..realized it’s me.

@skelellele4256 4 жыл бұрын

He was always the funny guy and once he discarded me I felt like a piece of my soul died. He apparently had new supply within a week and wasn’t even phased by my absence. We dated for 4 years. Sometimes I still feel guilty about laughing at something we would have enjoyed together.

@bereal6590 3 жыл бұрын

"i was only saying"... "you see everything negatively" ... "oh it wasn't like that" ... "your being too sensitive"... list is endless!! 🙋

@camilleharris3457 4 жыл бұрын

If i made any plans i would let him know about it, then the day of he would ask me to go see his Grandparents with him, i would remind him i had plans then he would guilt me about not going to see them. How could i not want to spend time with his Grandparents. Who were both the sweetest people on the planet yet he never wanted to go any other day when i did not have separate plans. Which i rarely went out without him due to the guilt trips. Great video!!

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

That sounds very typical for a covert narcissist!

@phoenixrising8007 4 жыл бұрын

They seem to always catch us “ off guard” but in a seemingly unsuspecting way. It’s all a cold calculating strategy which is creepy

@wildbrightwestjewelryameri529 3 жыл бұрын

It's like the narc is on a tv show all the time. Compulsive, emotionally unstable, and does whatever that demon on his shpulder tells him to do.

@cherylevans4401 4 жыл бұрын

Wow so last night I got that “ see this is y I don’t tell u how I feel cuse u get upset , so now on I’ll just keep it to myself “” like that’s crazy how u pointed that out.. great video

@dieseldejavu 4 жыл бұрын

OMG yep. Same here. She would say “I don’t see myself in a relationship when I’m older (she was 40), but that doesn’t mean we should break up.” WTF HUH?? How on earth do you respond to that?!

@c.a.honeycutt5046 3 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my ex. She said a few phrases like this, related to children and moving in. Big steps in a relationship, and how she can’t see it happening with me. The worst was when we went to her friends wedding, and she told me she couldn’t see us up there getting married.

@dieseldejavu 3 жыл бұрын

@@c.a.honeycutt5046 It’s devaluation at its worst. They try to knock you off the pedestal they put you on in the beginning.

@nicholaspaul924 3 жыл бұрын

I just broke things off with my narcissist of 2 and a half years before watching this video. My narc was the rude and disrespectful type who was always the victim no matter how badly she hurt ME....When I’d tell her that she’s hurting me she’d call it ranting and owned up to NOTHING. She’s hurt me emotionally so many times I hate myself for tolerating it for as long as I have. I guess I had to go through this lesson 😔 it’s just still disappointing. I really did love the woman she pretended to be in the beginning.

@mommabear2646 3 жыл бұрын

I always finding myself asking “What did I do?” “What did I say?” “Did I say something wrong or do something wrong?” I’m so sick of asking or even feeing like I need to ask knowing that I didn’t do or say anything at all!!! Good luck to everyone out there who is currently going through this too. One day I’ll be financially able to help myself out….

@avgonyma1 4 жыл бұрын

Covert emotional absue explained: It's like a slow poison, like dying from a papercut. Common missconception about it: emotional abuse is NOT the same as verbal abuse. OVERT emotional abuse is about outwordly hurting one's feelings with words that are not nice. While a COVERT abuser will abuse their target but have plausible deniability. When you dig deeper into it, you will see that what they are doing is abuse. How does it look on a day to day bases: Examples: 1. A couple. He is a covert narcissist. She does not know that yet. She wants to spend time with her friends and does not even bring it up, because she knows he would STONEWALL her. Also, she feels guilty about her decision to see friends. 2. Another couple. She is the CN. She tells him she is not completely attracted to him. He reacts emotionally. She appologizes, and EXCUSES the abuse with being honest. He doesn't walk away (despite he should) because for the rest it feels like a loving relationship. He is waiting for the other shoe to drop. With a CN this happens on a regular basis: they tear the other person down SUBTLY and CONSISTENTLY. (So they develop self-esteem defficiency. Because the other person tears them down constantly) 3. Another couple. He is the CN. She gets into an argument with their mutual friends. About something inexcusable. She comes to him for help. He never takes her side. In this case he takes the other person's perspective, but never admit that she was right in any way. And tries to convince her to "just get over it " . Then he talks to the friend, and completely throws her under the bus and blames her for everything. He is a covert abuser. It can be different, more tiny, or bigger , can include cheating, gaslighting..

@marcuslife4408 2 жыл бұрын

#2 hit hard

@Specialkfree Жыл бұрын

I’m coming out of a 21 yr relat (18 married) and I finally have a name for what he did to me. It started as physical abuse but when he realized it could damage his career, he switched to covert emotional abuse. I feel like I just woke up from being in a coma and was explained to me what happened the last 21 years. There’s a name for it. My mind is fucking blown!

@brittneylawrence214 Жыл бұрын

The #1 top phrase(used) for plausible deniability = "I was kidding" / "It was a joke"... That line is their favorite go-to & it's used frequently, by EVERY Narcissist... Mainly because it is impossible to prove it (otherwise), making it the ultimate cop-out! #JusSayin #realTalk

@cmac9316 4 жыл бұрын

My ex would give the most amazing energy at the end of our relationship to everyone else in front of me like a friend who has the same business and me she turns right to him full attention looks like I am not even there and tells him he is the best at what he does etc I could go on I bled out a and didn’t realize until too late

@m.valentinesmith4845 4 жыл бұрын

I am continually astonished at how much these videos are making sense of what never did before. Bi-polar was the closest but never added up so i doubted. Now? Not just behavior but language.. it fits.. it makes sense. The long night of confusion may be over. And yes,.. was losing myself slowly. Dying slowly. Could not make sense of it all. Thank you thank you

@joanieks3945 2 жыл бұрын

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you. So confused and really doubting my reality. He’s being so nice and attentive that I wonder if I’m overthinking. First ten years of our relationship he didn’t like me going out with girls from work for a meal. Stonewalling, passive aggressive. I used to cancel or if I went it completely spoilt my evening. Ruminating about going home. He would say that I was leaving him on his own like a dog but he had no problem with going out himself. We had a child under 5 at this point.

@funlovinbloke6266 4 жыл бұрын

People who haven't dealt with covert narcissists try to understand you (or it) but that is not really possible. I have had a relationship with a covert narcissist woman. At the end you are in survival mode. I am so happy that I was able to end the relationship. Her façade was blown apart.

@cocochocookiedough 11 ай бұрын

"You are just too sensitive." A covert narc classic.

@juliapurdy3950 4 жыл бұрын

This is useful but it's only the tip of the iceberg. Covert narcissists can be very ingenious and the older they can they more practice they have so the the middle-aged-and-above can be positively lethal, but so subtly you don't even realize it's happening. My ex had a neat trick of admitting he might be at fault, as if showing humility. When he met me, he advised me of three things: one, that he didn't bother to filter his statements, two, he didn't care what anyone else thought, and three, he insisted on being accepted for who he was. "Hurt feelings" seemed to be a concern of his. He said his daughter warned him, when we had just started to spend some time together, that I was a "nice lady" and he had to be careful not to "hurt my feelings." He told me he replied, "Oh, she's a trooper" (meaning me). Well, maybe I am. I grew up with parents who specialized in covert, hurtful statements. But even at the time he told me this, I wanted to disagree but of course I couldn't if I wanted the otherwise relationship to continue. So when he made the first (open) move to put the brakes on the relationship, he wouldn't let me in the apartment but we stood in his kitchen and he told me "I know what you want and I can't give it to you." The obvious question would be, Why not? But that was gaslighting: it was wrong for me to want what he supposedly couldn't give me, so leave him alone, right? I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it. He didn't change expression, looked right at me and said, "Oh, now I've hurt your feelings." No I'm sorry, let's sit down and talk this out, no. And much later, when he recalled that moment, he remembered that I was crying and he still sounded surprised. The other thing he said in that talk was, "Maybe I'm selfish." (Meaning himself.) So in two strokes he gave himself a pass, he disarmed any criticism that might be leveled against him. I am sure he has been doing this his whole life, from childhood on. He's just so good at it. And the timing is all-important. It has to be when the covert narc has created an awkward situation that you can't get out of without sacrificing the good times, and don't have time to think over your response. In short, it is not a two-way street, there is no such thing as reciprocity.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

I can relate with your story. The person who seemed genuine in the early phases is suddenly like a robot with no emotion. It's difficult to grasp when you have empathy intact and can make genuine connections with people. 🙏❤

@TheOllieKee 3 жыл бұрын

Number 3 really threw me off. I've been doing it a lot to others, and initially started doing this with myself while trying to find excuses / playing devil's advocate for my ex in the way he treated me. Sounds strange, I know, but I basically self- manipulated or told myself to get over certain things so I'm not bothered by my ex's actions because I felt some of it was my fault. So I kept defending his nonsense. Now, I do the same when someone tells me about their relationship and I start defending that other person they are telling me about with the intent to help this person "get over the issue". Shoot, this is an eye-opener.

@jamesarmstrong4179 2 жыл бұрын

Olga Kay,You look stunning

@safourasalami 4 жыл бұрын

As they have less power on you they play the victim always also drink your blood without you even understand .. Later as you become weaker and weaker by the time they become stronger and stronger.. Then you'll see them without any mask .. and you will have to do with the de..mo..ns and not human. Thank you for sharing the video ♡

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

True. They are feeding off of the very things that are tearing you down

@survivorvibe7448 4 жыл бұрын

Dr. Safou Sal They go on NARCISSIStic rage once they realize they cannot control you I inadvertently unmasked a covert narcissist when i confronted her of her stealing money and things in my house. It turned out that she has been on a smear campaign against me all these years and triangulating our other siblings Mind you, i helped this younger sister graduate middle school, always gave her money whenever we see each other. Treated to lunch and out of town trips but when she learned that i gave another sibling money... she went ballistic! Now she is manipulating my 32 y/ o married daughter into believing her alternate narrative of me When my other sister and i called out her stealing... hahahah! She wished we were dead! Are these people even human? She's blind to all the favors she received from us! So toxic!

@phoenixrising8007 4 жыл бұрын

Common Ego that’s so twisted it’s unfathomable but it’s true. My cerebral covert is addicted to watching forensic files and it creeps me right out! He said he wishes there was a forensic file game 😳

@dodorbhanji4187 3 жыл бұрын

Oh my goodness.... All of your topics and descriptions are so accurate.. Its unbelievable... Wow!

@jamiehoward6906 4 жыл бұрын

I just subscribed today and I think you may have saved me a great deal of pain and heart ache by identifying exactly what I could not articulate, seeing what I knew was not exactly right in a relationship I chose to end for these very subtle devaluations you identify I can let go. The abuse is a slow drain and makes you feel like the party in the wrong.

@smae8191 4 жыл бұрын

All of your videos have helped me. I am in a stage of realization in which it is hard for me to even articulate all of the clarity that is flooding in. I appreciate your tone and approach and all of your personal understanding. Thank you deeply.

@mauricearcher8831 4 жыл бұрын

My ex was doing that to me .how I responded was saying nothing.when I got fed up I just kept my distance.

@CommonEgo 4 жыл бұрын

That's a good way to handle a narcissist. Don't feed them with your reactions. ❤🙏

@ruby-qv5bd 3 жыл бұрын

This is a great video and very helpful for me to really see how I was being abused and how I allowed it for such a long time because I kept mentioning it in order to get validation about it and that would never happen. You learn to keep the peace, you keep allowing it until you don't want to do it anymore and say goodbye. It took me way to long to figure it all out because I kept thinking it would change, but it never changes. Sick and sad that I wasted so much of my time losing myself over and over. Keep giving and never getting forever and then you just can't do it anymore. Done.

@hmayala 3 жыл бұрын

It's the guilt that weighs me down...and I dont ever really get to make the decisons...he always has the final say it seems, and well...when I do get to make a decision, there's the guilt again...he will make sure I feel guilty for the decision that I made, and he has a lovely way of making me feel guilty even over the smallest of things...Thank you for the video!

@marietaylor3511 3 жыл бұрын

I’m grateful to have found these videos. I won’t go into the details of the Covert Abuse that I experienced for about 54 years. As you may have guessed, my Mother is a Covert Narcissist Abuser. I may have missed a video about abuse within a family but it’s hard to believe, understand and change. As I’ve watched these videos, I finally understand that abuse doesn’t have to be physical, the person who’s abusing you can seem like a Saint to extended family members and is very careful to abuse when no one is present to witness their behavior. After my first daughter was born, I went out of my way to protect her and then, her sister from my mother’s abuse. It’s like, I knew something wasn’t right and after every visit I came home either very depressed or crying. When my eldest daughter was about 14 years old, she was aware of the abuse targeted at me. During visits, she set her watch for 75 minutes. Then, she’d whisper in my ear, “It’s time to go.” Getting me out of the house before she had time to set her sites on me. Talking to a counselor and our family priest, the advice they gave me was to stop calling or visiting my mom. Rather than having a big argument that would end up hurting me, I told her, “Whenever I call you your busy; it’s easier for you to call me.” Since then, she’s never called me. That behavior alone has explained a lot to me. It’s been 9 months since I have visited or talked with my mother. Now, I’m no longer depressed or anxious. It maybe hard to isolate from a parent or sibling but just like your physical health; your mental health is just as important!

@NadaAlawadhi 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for making this video! Everywhere you look the abuse is so visible that you aren’t experiencing and feel like you don’t get to say it was abuse because it wasn’t that bad. I had been constantly criticized and blamed for crawling back to lick my wounds after I was severely hurt by his words. And he would continuously blame me telling me I was causing problems or if I hadn’t acted this way he wouldn’t have said what he said. He would constantly invalidate me by validating himself. He was emotional and sensitive but had no problem lashing out on me or talking to me in a degrading way. And constantly he was the victim and I was the one doing the harm.

@mirola73 Жыл бұрын

Last weekend the veil was pulled off, I now recognize my partner is emotionally abusing me. Ignored and later denied it for too long, but the start of change is here. Going to see some professional help on my own first to find out what can be done, how, when, where etc. Not going to end the 'silence treatment period' we're in now, something I always used to do to make things livable again. Just a real shame my two kids 19 and 22 are completely conditioned by their mother and completely on her side and of course, against me, another control thing which unfortunately will probably last forever.

@ruby-qv5bd 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you so for this very helpful video. I am seeing that you have a great way on touching on and giving great examples of what is going on in these relationships. It can be so tricky to figure this stuff out. Thank you, again for this so helpful video.

@brightpage1020 9 ай бұрын

The misconception is news to me. Thank you for clarifying.

@emchristine1646 3 жыл бұрын

my ex best friend covert narc used that one all the time. “it’s not my fault. i can’t take full blame, i’m sorry you feel that way. i wasn’t gossiping they were just caring for me. you hold onto stuff. you dig stuff up again & agin & i have to keep apologizing & i just want to move on. well you told me to say when i’m upset with you so i’m just doing what you said” literally made me feel so crazy- like i was being dramatic & she was right. she isolated me from all my best friends & community. so much manipulation & abuse. i’m so glad i found your channel. it’s helped me understand my situation.

@karavictoria4570 2 жыл бұрын

You are dropping gems! 💎 Thank you 👏

@jilliemarie 4 жыл бұрын

Your videos have helped me understand what has been happening to me for 16 years. Mostly subtle for 11 years and then extreme for the past 5. I feel so battered and I did lose myself. Two years ago a counselor told me that he had Anti-social personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Only people close to me that see and hear some of what’s happening realize his true colors. Others think he is this nice helpful person because that’s exactly what he wants them to think.

@applegreentech 2 жыл бұрын

Your channel is helping me so much. I’m moving out this week and these videos are giving me the strength to do it.

@lovealways4957 4 жыл бұрын

Wow! This completely resonated with me. Thank you for everything you are doing! 💓

@louisekullar6629 4 жыл бұрын

I had bled out so then I noticed how harmful it was to my children...but it took 25 yrs!!!

@jamesarmstrong4179 2 жыл бұрын

Louise Kullar,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist.....

@RedheadedWritinghood 4 жыл бұрын

This is what I went through for 30 years. Thank you for these videos

@flightydancer Жыл бұрын

On the surface, it seems like they didn't do anything wrong, but it just feels THAT bad. And when you try to communicate that, it's becomes my fault. Makes no sense.

@leahspears6919 4 жыл бұрын

I enjoy watching your videos SO much!!

@aguyinhisroom 2 жыл бұрын

oh my God.. the part where the girl says 'you said i should be more open about my feelings' after saying something awful literally happened to me

@ellafox9803 2 жыл бұрын

It is so helpful to hear about covert emotional abuse. I would greatly appreciate more videos about this topic!

@mdmmalou 4 жыл бұрын

Boy oh boy Christina... I recently experienced your example of "Caleb and Michelle" exactly. Three years ago I discovered that my best friend is a cover narc. I went no contact with her that time. I warned "Caleb" about this (my ex, father of our doughter) that he should not be surprised when that covert friend starts gossiping about me with him. Unfortunately I recently had a conflict with him. "Caleb" for the third time forgot our daughter's birthday. Guess who he was going to, to boost "HIS hurt" after hearing my indignation at him .. instead apologizing to his daughter? The only funny thing is that my real name is Michelle..😊 Its not fun dealing with the advocate of the devil! But I rather be glad that the truth has shown itself now! I some how felt never save, but couldn't get the finger on it. Once your eyes are open some books close for good!

@ladennayoung2939 3 жыл бұрын

Always remember an emotionally abusive relationship can be with a family member or so call friend. Always remember if they are treating you poorly. You have a right to remove yourself from that toxicity and negativity, and create a brand new and better life for yourself with the help of the Lord. And to move forward completely and altogether, and KNOW that you KNOW that you WILL be alright in the name of Jesus. Many blessings to you all in Jesus name. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen.

@kaleenajean 2 жыл бұрын

Facts.

@ImpulsoCreativo9322 Жыл бұрын

I love your style and examples. Thanks

@jennifervantassel4571 4 жыл бұрын

WOW! I wasn't expecting number 3. My mother does this to me EVERY single time I talk to her about someone saying/doing something mean or whatever to me! I have told her that she plays devil's advocate and she just says "I'm just trying to be fair, maybe that person has a reason for doing.." These examples are very helpful. Bring able to say "that's EXACTLY what ____ does" really puts that nail on the coffin. My suspicions are true!

@ravenel2 4 жыл бұрын

That can be a huge problem with mothers that don’t see their daughters as people with perceptions of their own. The mother will rush to defend the daughter’s abusive boss or abusive boyfriend, second- guessing the daughter, even if the mother has never met the abusive boss or boyfriend. Strangers do the same thing on KZfaq. It’s amazing how often someone will say, “my abuser does this” and a stranger will rush in and say, “oh no, it sounds like your poor husband has autism or aspergers,” blah blah blah. People know when they are being mistreated and they don’t need to be second guessed by controllers...

@1x93cm 4 жыл бұрын

this was my mom my whole life. RIP me.

@lamystic9209 4 жыл бұрын

I know he has a secret relationship and im trying to push him away but he wont leave he gaslights me and emotionally abuses me. I cant help it and i start crying because i know excatly what's his doing and all he does is gaslights me more and doesnt care that im crying. The reason i cry is because i cant take it nomore he won't leave he drags me back to him.

@PiscesSista 4 жыл бұрын

Just know he is extremely insecure. You are not alone and you deserve better. 💖🙏

@divabeautysalon 3 жыл бұрын

You have such a beautiful aura!! Very interesting but your charisma gives it a very special touch!

@gbrainy 4 жыл бұрын

Omg you described my ex, my ex, and my mother. I've got a lot of healing to do.

@phoenixrising8007 4 жыл бұрын

Ah yes, The dreaded sigh! 😔 it’s seems so surreal

@melissamarina4884 3 жыл бұрын

Currently in this situation with a covert narcissist. I really need to get out but I've been a stay at home mom for two years with no income. I feel so stuck

@Nina94771 Жыл бұрын

Loved these examples 🎉🎉🎉

@zosiab1742 4 жыл бұрын

That comment about "not really finding you attractive" really hit home. One of the last things my ex said to me when I finally said "no" to him.

@aabifauzi5087 4 жыл бұрын

Its so good ...u explain it so perfectly

@okieinnyc 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video!

@Trebleclefentertainments 3 жыл бұрын

Your videos are amazing and very helpful. Thank you so much for doing them. Xx

@rushingwater2.0 Жыл бұрын

My ex did so much of the first and second examples A lot of the time, I would go out of my way to avoid certain topics because it would make him ignore me for days And he’d make comments about me that’d making me feel bad for existing, and I’d get really upset and quiet, and then the apologies would come (with a healthy dose of “if that made you mad I’ll just never speak up again” type of stuff) When I finally broke it off, we stayed friends but they kept pushing They sent me a text that essentially said “I love you but I feel bad for loving you” and I texted them back that I still loved them as well And then they said it was just a joke and I finally stood up We haven’t spoken in a while and I’ve looked back at everything Everything I thought was love was just manipulation I’m so glad I got out of that situation, but the effects are still here and get to me some times Thank you for this video, it’s really insightful

@kudra29 2 жыл бұрын

You are so spot on!

@Harry-qw5jv 2 жыл бұрын

Great video on covert abuse thank you. It's really important

@lynnvs6372 4 жыл бұрын

I have a few questions. I'm wondering why they sabotage good days by having to critique you? And why they get mad that you get mad about that and why they need to find flaws in you to get thru a day? I feel like the answer is this.. they feel inferior or their failures have to be brought to your attention as your flaws. Enough times of that.. and I dont even want to go anywhere w him. I feel like that's on purpose because they dont want to go anywhere w u or work at it. So you start doing things alone then they say you never want to go anywhere together. Its crazy

@lynnvs6372 4 жыл бұрын

One more thing.. I've tried to suggest common interests. And to try new hobbies together but get shunned or told I'm too clingy. Then he does his own hobbies and I get put on the bk burner. It makes no sense. And it honestly makes me want to reach out and get that comrades from somebody else. But I'm too poor after handing him my paychks each wk that he mismanaged then I go w out foods I need while hes dining out daily telling me I blow money.

@visorow6323 3 жыл бұрын

They hate themselves so deep and feel so much misary.. To the point where they think they can only be happy if there is someone out there more sad than them. Usually those infront of them. So they'll try to make you feel bad for being you or being happy. They make you guilty for being you, having fun or just enjoying anything in general. Do not think u can change them you cant. if you didnt leave him already please do. Waste of time trust, they'll never change. Next time u meet someone and u got a bad feeling/ur doubting thinking they might be ok.. Dont bother. They'll slowly but suddenly make u feel bad for no reason. They state things in such a passive way u almost dont realise it. "its just a joke" so fort. Whenever people say that now I just tell them thats not ok then move on. That person is clearly not worth my time.

@webiriss 4 жыл бұрын

Very tricky, I need to watch more videos to understand the covert narcissistic. Thanks

@mariacarrion4753 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this video. My own family used to love my Ex. They did not know I was being physically and emotionally abused by him since I was 13 years old.

@jackgoodings 4 жыл бұрын

Absolutely was there on every point you said.

@graceditchfield123 4 жыл бұрын

The " i love you" is so overused! I wold here it arroud 15 a day how? I would have a minimum of 3 phone cals at work and 3 outside work (average ) about nothing really and always end i love you. Texts came in during the day too average of 4 and in person lets say average of 5 So 3+3+4 +5 =15 Now thats an average but this will kill the " I love you "

@gilmourishgilmourish6205 4 жыл бұрын

Grace Ditchfield definitely true. Same here. Calling all the time, to say nothing or to ask to do something. The fake smile and the I love you’s. And then one day, the new supply takes your place and it’s like you never ever existed!!!! At night, the last call before bed... bla bla bla bla... ok sleep well ... a little silence and then.... sweetie... I love you! 🤢

@corinnefisher166 3 жыл бұрын

I'm in awe of how identical the individuals are that display covert abuse. It disgusts me, tbh... It's like they went to college for 8+ years, did an internship, graduated Med school in the top 1%- because this (poisonous) cookie cutter personality is precise- from one to another. Same damn dialogue. Same rediculous manipulations. How do they know all of the same tactics? It's like I missed a week of school when they decided to teach this crazy/inform of this crazy. Not only was I clueless, but how in the hell are they all the same (basically)? Dumbfounded. Awe-struck. But not in a positive way.

@susanb5339 3 жыл бұрын

Death by a thousand papercuts. They subtly cut you down. Covert abuse always includes plausible deniability. Examples: 1) Tom & Cloie; 2) Lucy & Mark; 3) Caleb & Michelle.

@huckmart2017 4 жыл бұрын

I remember her telling me: "you're hard to love, but I do love you." At the time I agreed with her... kinda fucked up that I didnt see in the moment that it was mean thing to say. I felt it, like a tiny paper cut. But it was so small that I couldn't put words to it or even acknowledge it.

@TheFaro2011 3 жыл бұрын

Projection