I learned from a young age that my feelings caused more pain. It was a weakness to be attacked. My mom would hit me till I stopped crying, so I would never cry, no matter what. In 2019 I had a break through and I was crying all the time for nothing, I believe I as crying and feeling for all those times I was unable to, I was healing.

Things that used to bring a crazy amount of joy to me do not bring even the smallest amount of joy anymore, But the thing is I don't feel SAD... I just don't feel anything, its just like a empty hole. IDK if anyone can relate but that's how I always feel.

This!! I've been wondering for 2 years now why I just don't feel anything anymore. Not happy, or sad, or excited or bored. I'm just a void. Not like me.

I been numb most of my life, but yes, feelings feel like death to me. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Wow, this video is making me emotional. My parents aren't and weren't narcissists at all, and they love and loved me unconditionally. This is why I didn't even realise I had CPTSD and trauma until 6 months ago. And I'm 42 years old now. When I was 4, my dad began drinking. There's a very long and severe history of alcoholism and addiction on his side of my family. He would drink every weekend, get drunk, be verbally abusive to my mum (never me), and it was a nightmare that continued on for 10 years. I hated the weekends, lived with hyper vigilance, scared to fall asleep before my parents did in case something bad happened. Up until age 5-6, I made my feelings very clear to my dad, that I did NOT like it when he was drunk. It made no difference though. At the time, he was nice but not "all there" as he was, after all, drunk. So unconsciously I must have felt dismissed, as you can't really grasp as a 5 or 6 year old the fact that your dad is unable to change, or be what you need, or do what you want, or that he can't help being addicted no matter how much you show and tell him you don't like it. Add to that the fact that a few times I would express more obvious resentment and then feel guilty, and then when I was 5, my grandma (my dad's mum) died of complications of alcoholism. My dad grew up with major trauma, he woke up once at age 10 to find his mum trying to smother him with his pillow while she was drunk. When she wasn't drunk, she was great (so was my dad). One night a few weeks after my grandma died, I came into the kitchen to find my dad sitting at the table in partial darkness drinking from a box of wine and crying. I didn't know what to do and was scared, so I left quietly, unnoticed. It made me really sad. I realised it was bigger than what I thought. So eventually, by age 6-7 I stopped showing my displeasure. I noticed this made me feel better. No longer guilty. I didn't want my dad to feel like I didn't love him. I felt bad for him, but I also, moreso, felt bad for my mum. It was the worst thing for me to see the 2 people I loved most in the world fighting, and to see my dad yelling at my mum and threatening her (never physically). I was very loyal to my mum. We were sort of in it together. I'm an only child. I wished my dad would turn on me instead of my mum. It would've hurt less. I began the routine balancing act of trying to never show anger or upset at or about my dad, whilst also showing loyalty, understanding and stoic wisdom to my mum. I was also the distractor, the peacemaker, and the benign funny clown. I didn't want my mum to worry about me. So I stopped showing ANY negative emotions pretty much. They embarrassed me. Because they would mean that I had needs. And when I had tried to show my needs before, they weren't able to be met. So...it was embarrassing. And it still is. I don't know who I am. I blame no one. I am eternally grateful that my dad stopped drinking when I was 14, and I know it's a complex situation, all of this stuff. I was never expected to do any of the above. I didn't really give anyone a chance to meet my needs. My mum and dad still think I'm this incredibly strong, wise, generally positive person who is never upset, sad or angry. And I can't stand the idea of showing them anything different. Not just because it'd be mortifying to me, but I really just don't want them to worry about me.

When I think back on my life, I have gotten messages from my mom and some friends to not be so sensitive and so I ended up suppressing my emotions for decades and I'm actually afraid to express my feelings of sadness because I've been shamed so many times for feeling that way.

Damn this explains why i have felt numb for years not knowing what i actually feel like i was always just meh

In my case, I started to observe myself and found that I am not letting myself feel. It's me now who has taken the role of my abusive care givers. I am still in the observation stage where I am seeing my patterns and conditioning but too afraid to feel anything. Though I feel ashamed of my behavior I feel grateful that atleast I realized this problem. All I want is to be vulnerable with myself. I want to feel safe with myself. I feel so tired and sick of all this conditioning. I want my life back.

Growing up in the south as a kid, whenever I was hurt and crying....I was told to "rub some dirt on it, you'll be alright". Also, "dry it up or I'll give you something to cry about". I also got my a$$ beat as well. This video makes a lot of sense, I was a doer and people pleaser until my 40's and I just stopped bc I saw how much I was being used and abused by everyone. God help us all! 🙏🏽

No not only childhood trauma but we were taught from childhood how to react or deal with things within or outside of us.

When I was little my parents were very inconsistent. Like conditional “love”. For my mom it depended on the mood she was in and other circumstances. Sometimes i undermine my own experiences until Michele says something that matches perfectly then it all comes back.

I could actually FEEL you re-touching your own sensitive scars and subconscious pains of rejection during most of this session. It’s the same response that I’ve experienced during decades of emotional flashbacks. Yes, I too learned to avoid and ‘numb-out’ certain memories and emotions, just as you explain. The old saying that “time heals all wounds” is so NOT true! Only my faith in a living God has gotten me through my lifetime so far, the doctors and medical treatments alone were wholly insufficient.

I’m sort of all over the place for some reason, I’m either very emotional and crying or completely numb but the odd thing is that if someone was to ask me how I’m feeling I don’t have an answer, It’s such a strange thing to not know how you feel or even who you are, childhood trauma truly does take a lot out of you and has lifelong effects, it’s crazy that something that has the word “ childhood” in it ironically lasts a lifetime.

I watched this with my son, he and I both have PTSD and numb feelings! These videos hurt sometimes! Thank you!🌷💚

I feel so seen watching this, I've never heard my experience described so accurately. I thought I was alone in the dissociation and shame and i didn't even know what I was experiencing was called emotional flashbacks. I'm so happy that I'm not alone in this. Thank you for making this video.

Michelle is so wise as well as beautiful. Listening to her gives real insight.

I don't have this due to childhood, I have it from being attacked, I'm not like a movie, I'm just very, very guarded.

I feel like some parents would refuse to validate even in the presence of an audience. They wanna show how tough they are and how they’re not raising their kids to be soft and whiney. Like telling them to toughen up is a badge of honor.

I paused this several times to reflect and process what you were saying. EXCELLENT VIDEO! And so on point for what I'm dealing with right now! 👏👏👏👏

..my feelings never matterd as a child & they never matter unto this very day ..how i feel inside never matterd to anyone ..& deep inside i understand that how i feel never will ..ion even feel sad about it becz my emotions are completely dead ..i could care less if i have family or friends ..& have already decided i want to spend th rest of my days alone because i will never let another man get close to me agaim ..love isn't real ..its just a word that ppl say & never show or mean or feel ..& my entire system has finally completely adjusted to this ...i feel at peace🍃

It is as if someone, my mom, would still be there, with an angry face because I want to play with the big waves at the beach, or if I don t call someone back, specially an important meeting, I feel a pull that scares me a bit... I believe communication is important, patience and forgiveness and learning skills to develop again. Thanks🙋‍♀️ We are getting there!

I had a bit of both, in my childhood to adult hood.. I felt magical moments from Disney movies.. And crushes, and Mom loving us as kids, giving me candy... And there were also times my stepdad would hit me if i didnt do my homework right and my mom and stepdad arguing... I grew up believing men are negative, and women show love, and i needed to understand the balance... Now today iam in a better place, stopping addictions... And unwiring, rewiring, and hardwiring my brain into so many positive directions! I will continue to help my brain... And number 1, i believe in God❤

I understand how my brain made me numb To help me deal with life But now I resent myself for not knowing I had C-PTSD or letting this happen to me in the first place I let so people use or get to me over the years From people pleasing the wrong person or just being numb not being aware of my surroundings

This is me…I was raised by narc and I am completely disassociated from my own emotions, but yes, very empathic towards others. For me, I don’t even go to Drs and if you knew the times that I really negated my health issue and put myself at real risk, its scary. I had panic attacks they called “fainting spells” and once I fell down our stairs and BROKE our front door. Cracked the entire door! They didn’t care about me, they cared about the door! Said, can you stand up? Yea? Then go get ready for school before you’re late! Yep.

Michelle is so well spoken, knowledgeable and pretty. 💖

This video was absolutely amazing and on point, omg. Thank you! I am not emotionally numb. My brain did the opposite, I feel and notice everything in order to keep myself aware of any potential dangers… HOWEVER, I LOVE someone who is emotionally numb and this video helps me to have more empathy for them and not take things personally

My mother's boyfriend was highly manipulative, abusive, and controlling toward both her and I. I still have to talk to him once in a blue moon, but I really keep my distance. My mother passed away this year, and ever since then, he's not been coming around because he knows he can't control me. Whenever you stop feeding them what they want you to feed them, they leave you alone. My mother was also demonically oppressed, and raped by demons all the time, and she was diagnosed with DID, (dissociative identity disorder). I honestly believe some people who are narcissists have demons in them. Not all, but some. We are all sinners saved by grace alone if WE believe, but I know for sure I can be narcissistic sometimes. I'm being transparent here. I truly love people through Jesus, but my flesh can take over sometimes, and I can be mean as a bull.

Pff... now I understand what happened. I was able to "allow" feelings not long ago, and it was so painful that the freeze activated, and since, I struggled with anxiety. I have to sit down with my inner child and listen and try to understand why they feel like that. And since, i feel disconnected 😢

Thanks, Michele. I really appreciate the clarity and depth with which you express these concepts. The most challenging thing for me right now on my healing journey is to disassociate from the heavy load of contempt my parents dumped on me making me feel like I was a disgusting person. I now see that this was their crazy projection but it's hard to break that self-image. Can you please make a video with helpful tips on that subject? I know so many of us are struggling with this. Much love!

This video kicks in... it hurts... but soooo good to get all these explained! I recently realized, that, beside being such an emotional, vibtant person, I am so disconnected to my own emotions. Learning about my early childhood trauma, I understand my behavior step by step. It hurts so much. I will start a treatment in a ptsd clinik in August. I can tell you: I am sooooo afraid of what might be happen, if all these feelings come out and overwelme me...

I don't feel like reacting when im being assaulted or anything i just feels like it never happened at all

You give a wonderful explanation for why I failed to recognize my own feelings. I was therefore unable to protect myself from harmful people. WHEW! Thank you.

Stoicism; disregard for our own feelings was taught by Carl Jung and that's how our parents in the 1950's believed and planted INDEPENDENCE in us. I saw I would never have a child of my own because I hated the cruelty of my parents who by the way where narcissistic and the other jealous. Damn terrible and they wonder why we left at 16yrs and never returned.

8 1/2 years of not feeling anything. There have been times where I felt like giving up on myself but this gives me hope. I am going to start therapy and I am 3 weeks on my meds. I’ll be praying for everyone to heal

Being deeply in love and invested in a relationship and tour partner or object of your love and devotion denys you and throws you away. And then it happens over again. The heart break causes you to shield yourself from future pain and avoids the emotions that set you up to feel that pain again.

Can't help saying this.. You are radiating such positive energy 😇

thinking back, its so true, i hate my parents at the moment for how F-ed up they raised me. because now im suffering in so many aspects of my life. i need counseling of some sort. asap

Good God, this is painful, but insightful Michele. 😔

Thank you so much you're very intuitive and insightful I must say I am emotionally sporadic at times due to my upbringing you inherit by default a character defectiveness it's almost like your mind body and soul are at the starting line going around and around and around but neither one of them want to win the race cheesy analogy but I keep God first amen and I thank him everyday no amount of money or power can buy you tomorrow only God gives us that we are powerless to things we have no control of I thank you very much God bless you

Michelle, Thank you. This is what happened to me. You are helping me out!

So here is the thing. I might be the most emotional and sensitive person in my whole family as well as my friend circle. But from 6 months back, idk what happened. I stopped feeling. Yes, I mean it. I had exams, and I just haven't felt that exam anxiety that I used to feel. My brother went away for college, and my parents were bawling their eyes out while I was literally unbothered, just looking at the trees out from the car window. I went out with my friends, and out of excitement, they started jumping and hugging each other, and me? I was just standing there, staring them with a fake smile on my face. This thing is getting out of hand now. I have stopped feeling anything at all. When an emotional moment comes, I guess maybe my mind doesn't process it or what, but I think of nothing. Blank. No emotions. No thoughts. No feelings. No excitement. No hatred. No sadness. Nothing. A blank canvas. Can anyone suggest what I should try to do??

You explain this so very well. WOW

After so many years of always being extremely attentive, caring and empathetic towards my fiends and family I feel like now I'm just drained of it all. I basically almost now have an incapability to feel empathetic for people, when people are telling me their problems I'm just so un- engaged with the conversation, I couldn't care less how they feel. I've noticed lately I've been so emotionless when faced with others emotion, including my own. It actually agitated me and it feels weird because I'll sit there and think, " this isn't how I usually feel, why can't I feel anything? " it causes an unpleasant feeling inside me, after my whole life always being so emotional, always such a cry baby, and now when thing that would usually upset me happen, I'm not upset at all.

I am only really started to uncover the impact of childhood trauma in my 40's after being sued by my Mother for money my ex husband borrowed (but charmed her into blaming me.) In her statement of claim she included emails between her & my ex as proof it was my fault...reading them showed me what they told everyone else. Both of them played the sycophant & nothing they said was true... but the thought people believed them has made me shut down in silence. I can only peel away small layers at a time because it is so derailing. I lost my house as a consequence as I hired a "mate" lawyer who was only qualified to do conveyancing. I had so much proof of fraud & also negligence on part of my lawyer, but fear kept me frozen. I am so so grateful this form of abuse is now being given air time. I am determined to study neuropsychology to further prove the effects on children & learn how to offer support that will enable children to thrive rather than held captive by abusive gaslighting, blame, shame & trauma.

Beautifully explained. Thank you!

This is one the best content about CPTSD that I have ever heard. Thank you very much. ❤

You explained everything I express. I feel for others over myself. I tend to identify the feelings they feel and unaware of my own. I tend to trust others (more so my narcissistic mom) over myself. If they feel funny I’ll feel funny, if they’re ok then I’m ok. I was conditioned as a child to care for everybody else first. For me I felt overlooked and unheard as a child. I’m the infantilized and parentified child. I’m the scapegoat child. If I expressed my emotions it’s stop or it’s shutout. So I’d say these circumstances caused that and still it seems for me it makes no sense. I try to say that a child changes into an adult so the same trauma is there. This issue is major to me and I’m bother by it. Additionally, another issue is difficulty making decisions on my own without my moms opinion on it. I think that identifying my feelings and making my decisions on my own is hand in hand. If I don’t know the feeling I feel or the depth of that than it’s difficult making decisions. I’m aware I’m not the only one but still it seems I’m alone as everybody else seems so much more happy and healthy mentally. I always see stuff that says when you trust yourself you’ll trust others. I haven’t seen stuff that’s says why you trust others over trusting yourself. Everybody else seems much stronger than me mentally and I always thought that I’m strong minded so it’s not making much sense when stuff that seems simple is stressful for me.

Wow! I have never thought about it this way This was very mind-opening and educational I enjoyed this video very much

My needs and feelings were not an option. I understand that my birth caused immense family upsets, and understood this from a seriously early age, so soon learned that their feelings were all that mattered. I took responsibility for upsetting them all and either tried hard to please or steered clear - not wanting to bother them, as they obviously did not want me around. Either way, I couldn't win. Shame was super high, and ghe shame of my birth was passed onto me. However, mum did protect me often, but she was also the worst contributer often. She wouldn't do anything much for her adult children, except visit and buy occation gifts for her grandchildren. This caused huge jealousy when i had gifts or anything, even new clothes. Because a lot of nasty, spiteful and abusive sly stuff was done from so many of the narcs in the family when i was alone with them, or whenever their eg was demted or they had problems, life was hard as i took what came, but protected family from family by knowing and reacting, even though i was the scapegoat. Even outsiders who heavilly bullied me in and out of school, i kept it to myself, as when i did open up a couple of times to parent's, i was told they had enough problems or i should sort it out. Hence, my needs and feelings were removed and i gave them up to lessen more blame and to protect everyone, and myself. I became a fixer, as they saw my caring and my silence from abuses, and exploited me all the way. Then these imbecilic adults fell out with me the child often if i was elsewhere in the family being used. It sounds altruistic and like I'm so good, doesn't it? Well, it doesn't work like that. If a person is an empath, they need to be taught how to protect themselves and not take on everyone else's problems, as it lessens their ability to care. If not, we care regardless, often out of fear or duty, and it becomes a pit we keep falling in trying to rescue everyone at our own expense. Hense, why so many of us choose to end up alone for the peace and not having our feelings recognised, because we kept falling for the same types, and healthy people being too scary, because of shame and our feelings not knowing what to do.

and here i thought i was crazy.......hormones etc etc being 45 soon.....now i know it was childhood and my horrid ex NArc and his BS abuse .

The fact my boyfriend's name is Devin, had emotionally open parents growing up, and is open about emotions in our relationship which has been so strange for me to learn based on my childhood 😅

My parent's reaction to me hurting myself was: "That's what you get for acting stupid all the time." 🥳 Somebody kill me 🥳

Thank you so much for sharing all your knowledge and experience with us so grateful for you.

Good teaching. Point to problem (feelings unplugged). Simple example showing how problem arose (brain wired to avoid feeling-pain=coping behavior). Clearly Describes how coping behavior hard-wires brain to replace feelings-pathway with pain-free pathway (becomes default mode). Point to solution-challenge (re-wire brain to establish feeling pathway). Kept it simple. What do benefits look like? How are benefits (progress) measured?

I got so used to the fact that if I went to my parents for anything it usually resulted in being yelled at, hit, or told to go away or "go outside". If I injured myself playing my parents general reaction was anger and verbal abuse. If I injured my sibling by accident while playing it also resulted in being hit and it usually wasn't just a swat on the bottom. My parents liked to go for the top of the head with an open palm or the back. So my usual instinct when I'm hurt is to not tell anyone. Avoid the feeling of "needing" something. It's not that important anyways. (In my head) I'm in my 30s now, I know I'm pretty numb, a bit detached from emotions and feelings and feelings of others. I can see when someone is hurting but I just don't have the ability to give them what they need. Maybe an " awe, that's too bad." At that point it's just better that I don't engage with what I see. I'll just make it worse by coming off as harsh. Now it's been so long that I don't know if I want to reconnect with my feelings. Feels a little late.

Thanks Michelle. This is brilliant! ❤ Love Theresa

Thank you Michele Gorgeous and good morning!

A huge percentage of it is nature. The child's narcissist parents were also raised by narcissist parents and so on. Some of those tendencies are deeply rooted from birth. I will never forget an American couple adopting twins from Russia as babies. By the time the kids were 5 the new parents couldn't handle them anymore. The psychological issues were just too much to bear. And the stories like this are ample.

I spent a lot of times running away from what I was feeling shutting my emotions as hard as I possibly can...until it didn't take any effort to make myself numb...feelings scare me but I don't want to waste my life like this...I couldn't even feel happy at my own graduation

Truly amazing explanation!!

Thank you michele❤️

I want to be able to cry but i havent been able to since i was a child.

Wow!! I just “found this video” by chance!! You put my experience into words! Your words made a connection, inside me, to a place I thought was gone and unreachable! New subscriber now! Thank you!

Especially when it comes to love..

You have superb content. You really know what you're talking about.

I'm happy to be healthy.

Omg spot on!!

Thanks family, I have many more things to worry about now thanks to you 🙂

What if you start feeling again and the feelings are too overwhelming how can I stop feeling again? I was better off numb. Emotional pain causes so much anxiety that I wish I could stop feeling

I don't wish this on my worst enemy.

I wish I wouldn't feel my feelings..I feel a lot and very intensely.

I needed to hear this video today! I can relate so much to what you told. Thank you for creating this video!❤

Just found your videos. I really like the way you present your information. Thank you 🌸🌸

Thanks!!⚘Michele is an expert on her coaching skills

So important the difference in their behaviour in public vs. private

Hi Michele! Do you also have videos about retraumatization? I healed a lot of wounds and then when i was at my top i was heavily re-traumatized by severe narcissistic abuse... Would love to hear more about how to approach that. Much love and blessings to you ❤

Thank you, I've understood avoiding feelings and having to perform all the time to prove you are good. Still as an adult trying to find safe people to share emotions with. Also, I have faith but am trying to step in to a far less intence Christianity that is far more vulnerable and ok to show weakness

You explain so well. Thank you ❤️🙏

Not only childhood traumas

Western world hate feelings and supress then in favour of efficiency.Ofcource when feelings are supressed the person can develope all kinds of issues that are so conviniently called "disorders" and because the system or "humanity" is so glorious and caring will come out with the "solution",psychology for example that has "normalizing" function.I notice that the fashion is to help "the victim" of abuse but rarely to treat the abuser,because its "normal" and standart behaviour to be tough minded and abusive(strong),but to have feelings is seen as weakness

That top is sooo fire 🔥😍

Amazing. Amazing. Listeming on bong im healing so much i had a fuckrd childhoox

Wow. Thankyou. Very insightful content.

I get trauma from 3 Narcist person my old sisters & her husband they cheat me with took my money but they treat me bad like they didn't cheat me,and my ex husband,,, they are cheat me but they act as a victim ... Thats experience change my character more sensitive with people, But I'm working hard to heal... Almost 2yrs I meditate as and felt more better now.

Thank you!🌷💚

This was me in January. 😢 I've come so far. ❤

I just wish I could cry 12 hours a day for a month and then all this hell would be over. Nooooo, instead I have to walk around just plain feeling like a sack of shit month in month out, year in year out.

100% accurate

Joy to watch your videos

Can this happen as an adult? Through partner abuse? Because I definitely have the numb feeling like I don’t feel anything inside. I went through abuse from my dads gf when I was younger but then my mom got me back (I’d go back and forth) and my mom never abused me. But I’ve gone through years and years of partner abuse and now I feel nothing. I can’t stand it. I hate it.

Im so familiar with this treatment since early childhood. Isn't this emotional child abuse?

I have lost my twin brother mom and dad with in a five year period. And my parents were in and out of prison. So my grandma raised me and then she passed away. My problem is that when my sons and wife hurt and tell me there feelings and what they are going through I don’t feel there hurt or pain so I come off not caring about them. They can be crying and I can’t feel there feelings. How can I get past this because I hate it and want to show them love but don’t know how

I wish this video was more about ptsd itself and not connected to childhood. I had amazing childhood until I reached teenage years and all the toughest life experiences happened. Not particulary inside the home but outside. Now I am in my late 20s and I have become numb because of all the traumas I experienced throughout my 20s. Not every emotionally numb person has bad childhood. A lot of experiences come from outside the home because people treated them so badly and did not give them closure, so they become numb. My numbness comes from extreme panic attack and anxiety, what I experienced on high levels for 3 days. Then I became numb. I wish this video would have showed me what to do about it

I got a cat. I’ve wanted one for years. Since mine was taken when I was little. I got one. And I felt absolutely nothing. I don’t feel anything at all. Except annoyance about the things the cat keep scratching and breaking. I’m mad at myself. I’ve wanted one forever but I didn’t even feel happy when I got it.

I don't have feelings anymore

😢likewise

Can having too much love/affection in childhood cause narcissism in adulthood ?

You helped me alot ❤

Pain

I grew up numb then married it now just wanna be left alone