Another narcissistic trait I've noticed in myself that wasn't mentioned: the strong desire for attention and admiration from others. I've spent many years feeling invisible and unimportant which has resulted in this.

In my experience, CPTSD has caused me to be overly self-protective which could look like narcissism because I've learned over the decades to put myself and my life first in order to survive.

Finding out I have CPTSD actually has made me think of my behaviors when my kids were little. I thought I had broken the cycle because I didn’t have drugs and alcohol in my home, I didn’t hit my kids or call them names but I did so many other things. I was distant at times, completely disassociate at times. I still had a temper. I can really get over the childhood stuff done to me. I can get treatment etc. I am sad I didn’t know I had CPTSD when my kids were little. I would have been a better mom. I thought I was so self aware. I now know I had no idea.

The entitlement problem with narcissism tends to come from a place of callous disregard for the efforts of others and an expectation for others to provide, which is I think tends to happen when kids were raised in homes where they had easy access to needs with low expectation for earning their needs. I think in a home where a child was raised with chronic neglect to the extent that they never learned self efficacy basics, there is often the desire to be able to self provide or to have obligation towards others, but its the low self worth that can lead us to conclude that what we offer has no value. Especially if we look around and see the world being smoothly run by people who grew up in stable environments where they were able to develop strong efficiency skills. I think a person with C-PTSD is more likely to avoid anything that questions their competency because we don't want to revisit the wound of failure/shame, so much that it can get easier to hide and allow others in our lives to take control of our basic needs. The narcissist, covert or overt, is more likely to be volition oriented whenever it provides supply, or to seek out reward when they feel their self esteem is threatened. People with NPD rarely feel shame for being a burden because they justify deserving it, but the shame of being a burden for the C-PTSD individual is usually so high that when it is triggered, they socially withdraw because they think they don't deserve to exist.

This explains my extreme fear sometimes of being a covert narcissist. I wasn't aware that this could be a part of CPTSD.

What happens if your parent also had CPTSD that felt like narcissism, which is what caused your CPTSD? And now you’re trying not to cause everyone around you to have CPTSD? Generational trauma is something I’m starting to realize is actually very powerful. I spent my entire childhood hearing about my Mom’s traumatic childhood and how we all needed to help her heal her inner child. Then my oldest sister, who became a narcissist also because of this, traumatized many of us. Now I’m trying to forgive them both for the multi generational trauma they suffered and passed on. They suffered from CPTSD also. And now so I and now I need to take that and fix it, and not just be bitter about it.

Important points for trauma survivors. CPTSD can indeed sometimes look like covert narcassism unfortunately. Especially when strongly identifying as a victim. We are not responsible for what happened to us in the past- but we are responsible to heal from it. A lot of these narcassistic tendencies that manifest with CPTSD also push mentally healthy people away and can even ruin relationships. Worse still they attract unhealthy toxic people which we really don't need. Also not getting stuck in being a victim and thinking no one understands is so important. When I start going down the "nobody understands my trauma" road (not true at all), while that feels valid it can turn into a toxic mindset quickly. I remind myself of Holocaust survivors like Victor Frankl and Dr. Edith Eger as anchors who overcame unthinkable horrors to stop that unhealthy mindset in its tracks. It can sometimes be a trickly balance of validating what we experienced and healing but moving forward with self awareness is so critically important.

Victims of victims. That's what they said in ACOA. When I get over- involved with my family and my boundaries are all messed up, I wind up dysregulated and running to people for help in a panic.

I like to remind myself that I am not a victim, anymore. I'm a survivor. Actually, I am not just a survivor, either. I'm an overcomer. It's really important to remind myself these things because the main problem that trauma causes is the victim mindset it creates in those that experience it. It's like an insideous poison that finishes off it's victims slowly if you don't take an antidote to counter it.

The first people we all model our behavior after are our family. It sucks, but if you only have lousy role models, it's going to be a long road. But we've always been more than a member of "X" family and it will end up being just one detail about our life. Keep moving and remember that Anna does a great job responding to all of us, so ask questions if you get stuck. Good luck on your journey.

Someone once told me something that helped me understand how to explain "the not a competition thing" to people who tend to have that reaction as a defense. It was this. "A person who drowns in 2 feet of water is equally as dead as a person who drowns in 2000 feet of water." The only difference is recovering the body. It helped me to learn how to look at and validate others and my own experiences and understand they affect everyone uniquely.

Honestly Anna, if you lost 3 close family members, got attacked and dumped in one year and a "friend" tells you you are self-centered for talking about it too much and not being able to focus on them too, then I think that is not a friend but a very selfish person with no empathy... !You were right about being mad at first !

A huge step ive taken in my self awareness is not spilling out all my problems to people. I noticed I do that so people look at me like “wow she went through so much and look how good she’s handling her life”. Another thing I do to control how people view me. I noticed I tend to meet a lot of ppl who spill out their life so early bcus I listen closely. It’s kind of a red flag bcus I know why I used to do that but I tend to just keep it noted lol

One thing I've seen, personally in my daughter, is that C-PTSD can closely resemble BPD as well. For her, it did not resemble narcissism as much as Borderline Personality Disorder.

Always so refreshing. I'm willing to bet this applies to the vast majority of folks who find themselves on either side of "narcissist/empath" dynamics. Everyone's just a hurt person who appears invulnerable hurting others by overcompensating for their vulnerability.

This is great. I definitely have a martyr complex. I was severely abused my whole childhood by my father. When I was fifteen (during one of his suicide attempts gone wrong) he set himself on fire and died. I was the only one who witnessed it, so you can imagine it instilled this identity in me, as “the girl who witnessed a horrible thing”. I definitely need to humble myself and realize, that people live through life everyday having to see horrific things as well.

When a person is in a state of shock or acute woundedness, their survival is on the line, such that they must tend their condition in order to survive. This looks like self-centeredness, but that term carries a negative and selfish connotation. A better term might be self-tending, which, again, they have to be in order to take care of themselves. If a person has a broken leg, they cannot be your running-partner. If a person has a broken foot, they can't be your hiking buddy. Expecting a person in shock or acute woundedness to be a social partner of any kind is not realistic, it's simply not feasible. Their hands are already overflowing, and they can't handle all of that, so expecting them to do more, is simply not going to happen. One can accuse them of "selfishness" all they want, but that's like getting mad at a running-partner because right now, they can't run because they have a broken leg. Crisis is crisis, and people that are in a stable state, need to be realistic and kind. If they've never been through severe shock or acute woundedness, then maybe they don't understand. People need to consider the things others are going through.

Actually writing about this subject, I recognized my mother's narcissism in myself, also recognized how she neglected me but I understood it was because she was overwhelmed..if we are not carful these traits can be carried from one generation to the next, people need desperately to hear this stuff . It also gives the abused and neglected some comfort knowing why they suffered in childhood and power back to change the pattern

My therapist told me that a narcissistic person would not even think to ask the question, 'am I a narcissist '!!!

Oh Boy, this really resonates with me! It's eye-opening to realize that my desire to shield myself from triggering situations and cope with stress actually does show up in these ways! I love that you encouraged us to think about the idea of building a New Identity as a person who is no longer a victim, or learning to become a person who is no longer a victim. I love the idea that I don't need to be special or have any sort of special story to be good enough to find peace and healing.

I can't tell you how much I love this video. The thing I really like about your channel and your way of dealing with CPTSD is that you don't make it a black and white abuser versus victim thing. I can't relate most videos about narcissism because they make the narcissist into some one dimensional abusive villain and the poor codependent is just swept up within the evil spell, and that's not my experience. Some people would call my partner a narcissist but I have many screwed up, narcissist trait myself that did just as much, perhaps even more, harm to our relationship and my mental well-being (For instance, I have dropped people when good things happen to them because I get so bitter and jealous.) I have a crippling fear of upsetting and disappointing people that makes me shut down, and while it would be easy, and I actually have gotten mad at others for not making it easier for me to express myself, I know the ultimate responsibility to get over that fear is on me, and I do have the power to do it. So thank-you for calling out narcissistic traits that a lot of people let pass because we think we are the victim, the empath, the codependent, etc.. I really admire how you model taking personal responsibility, and for reminding people that they do have it in them to heal and live better.

My narcissistic trait: learned unhelpful helpfulness. The proof of my benefit was what I could do and that maladaptation is still ruining my relationships and professional opportunities. I'm overtly helpful and thoughtful and I'm understand just how much well-adjusted people HATE that bullshit. Doing well myself is like stepping into a canoe with my eyes closed. Thanks CHF. You helped me understand.

It's so interesting watching this after being diagnosed with C-PTSD and being on a healing journey for three years! My biggest breakthrough was acknowledging that I was indeed emotionally neglected by my parents, BUT how I was responsible for what was happening to me as an adult due to that neglect. I had the complication of dealing with a narcissistic parent as well I learned! I had to take accountability for how I was coming off to others and how I was perpetuating toxic behaviors without realizing and THAT'S why I was attracting toxic people into my life. Looking back it's wild to see how different I am now. Not being blinded or staying in a victim mentality is how I've been able to grow.

Such an Important message. ThankYou. Narcissists are genuinely MEAN. A CPTSD person is NOT purposely.

My first impulse was to write "guilty as charged". Please note, I waited & thought about it. Going to root around for the guilt & shame still hiding, move it along! It's forever a knee-jerk reaction to think everything is my fault. It affects both mood & reaction. So glad to have a forum like this to work these issues out!

This is so important for CPTSDers to understand! Because it keeps ya from deep and lovely relationships because it turns people off. So important to become self aware

Thank you for this! I'm so over people shouting narcissist at people like a label but failing to recognize that person was let down in life and became that way for a reason. You always read that narcissists can never be cured but honestly maybe not cured, but they can absolutely heal and become better less self-absorbed people.

I had experienced the same as you Anna. I experienced two closest family members die in 4 years, and then got terribly bullied at work, falsely led by my friends in investments and lost all of my money, dumped by the guy who I devoted my heart and emotions to, and then attacked by a man lived next door, and then got cheated by the HR of the new job I found later when I found I can’t continue to bear the bullying anymore at the former workplace. I was dead, and deeply depressed. But I didn’t die.

This was great- I think NPD may actually be an extreme form of cPTSD but it was really helpful to have someone clearly define where some narcissistic thinking crosses the line into unhealthy. I also loved the clarity on being realistic about being a victim, but not letting that identity take over. thanks!

Thank you for this video... I thought i was a vulnerable narcissist, but so many things didn't apply to me: namely actively playing memory games to manipulate others. I never intentionally manipulated others.

1. Go to the psychoanalyst and work with your self-esteem. 2. Find your aim and begin to achieve it. 3. Sleep enough, eat what you want, but not too much, go in for sports, chat with friend and love smb.

Wow, this is so on point, it took my breath away. I’m a mental health professional as well as living with CPTSD so I can view narcissism from a personal and professional perspective. Seeing some of these behaviours in myself is a hard pill to swallow but a fantastic opportunity to heal and grow. As for sussing out other people, I think discerning between who is actually narcissistic and who is presenting with narcissistic traits can be difficult because as much as we try, there are no clearly defined yardsticks to measure something as complex as human relationships and behaviour.

Yesterday is history Tomorrow's a mystery Today is a gift That's why it's called the present Consumed by past. Fear of future. Absent in the now.

This is the first time I've heard if CPTSD. I've been ruminating from my last relationship, heavily confused at how I acted. I've been confused about the healing process because my empathy returned. I keep going back and forth, with black and white thinking about myself. CPTSD speaks to me so much. I never want to be the person I was. I never want to be cold and push people away. "Open your heart again" is exactly how this feels. Thank you so much for this video.

I began becoming aware of my own narcissistic traits a few years ago. I became aware that I was responding to thing in very much the same way my father did. I also found that one can reduce those traits as one becomes aware of them. One becomes less controlled by things from your past that can ruin enjoyment of your present. As I learn about it, I believe very much that I have been struggling with this CPTSD.

Toni here. I was shocked/stunned to hear you say, Anna, that we with CPTSD get stuck in our feelings, especially when triggered. I am there All.The.Time. I feel (there I go again! lol) overwhelmed by life, I “hide” from my friends, and I harshly push my husband away from me. Living is simply too much.

This explains why sometimes I feel I have become like my narc mother. I am not a narc, just feels like it because her fleas got into some of the crevices of my personality. Thank God it didn't go further. I know I have a light within me, it's just really hard some days. Thank you for this video, really needed it.

Your point about unequal relationships was a HUGE lightbulb moment! I'm fresh out of a painful breakup that I didn't recognize started as trauma bonding. The pandemic caused my cptsd to flare in a major way, and my partner's and my own insecure attachment led to verbal, psychological and physical abuse. The guilt, shame and stuckness made me seriously consider suicide, but multiple therapists I was seeing and the compassionate input of genuine friends made me strong enough to admit I finally had enough and so I ended it. My ex is furious and blames me for stealing/ruining her life and rescinding on our intention to be together for life. I know now that we both are severely wounded individuals, and I'm so much further down the path of healing but to have been consistently abused while being called a narcissist almost broke me. I am so grateful for this lifesaving video. I adore your body of work and approach, and will definitely take your dating course before ever committing to a relationship again. For now, being on my own whilst deepening my friendships and healing feels RIGHT.

Thanks for your insights, it's actually quite hard for traumatized people to care for others when we're still dealing with our wounds, but helpful to know how traumatized people can adjust their ways if they're ready to want healthy relationships - instead of suffering from loneliness.

“You’re capable of so much more but you just can’t do it.” This statement!

Excellent perspective Anna. Saw myself all through this. Actually was asking myself if Im just a reflection of my wounded narcissistic father. Not a pleasant thought! I do have a dose of my father’s arrogance and grandiosity, and it does push people away! “Rescuing” other people while dodging accountability for my role in my own problems doesn’t help anyone. Self honesty might be bitter medicine, but its the only way to real health. True narcissists won’t swallow that pill. Thanks for some great food for thought 😙You’re doing great work💕💕💕

One therapist said he thought I was a narcissist. I spent most of my young life detangling gaslighting and doublebind tasks that I got from members of my family. This resulted in me watching and constructing every thought I had and word word I said.

I understand! I have c-ptsd though I see a lot of my fathers narcissistic traits in me. I don't want to get into detail but I went through a great deal of traumatic events as a child and I'm finally realizing that I have let them hold me back for too long. I am not my trauma! I will be watching more, looking forward to learning. Thank you for this video!

OMG You don't know how much I needed this! 😭 I once heard someone say someone they knew was sensitive - sensitive to their own feelings. Even though they weren't talking about me, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wondered, is that me, too? Am I a narcissist? My psychiatrist also told me narcissists usually don't ask if they are, so not to worry. 😆

I work to keep myself grounded, constantly reminded I am not perfect. To remember who I really am. Someone that has a lot of love to share. I don't have friends, that is something I understand. I chase others away, just to keep myself safe. I am lonely.

My family has called me selfish for years and I recently had a falling out with my sister. I just realized that maybe she was right and maybe I'm treating people how I felt as a child. Great and humbling video.

Since finding out that my mother's a narc, ive been fearing discovering im also a narc. Deep down, im sure im not but sometimes, a small thing makes me doubt myself because im not sure if the behavior is associated with trauma or with narcissism. I see blurred lines, I get confused, then I think about it a lot and most of the time, I come to the conclusion that it's related to my trauma or my autism. The one thing I struggle with in what is listed in this video is victim mentality. I started trying really hard to get rid of that and it's hard because I feel so cheated now that I understand that my mother's a narc. I know im not responsible for what happened and that im the one who has to do the work to get better but some thoughts are hard to fight, like feeling as if my mother robbed me of a childhood, how my dad abandonned me as an infant, how none of my relatives did anything to help me, how I was abused by partners, how my autism makes it hard to make lasting friendships, things like that. All those very unfair and damaging things that happened to me make me feel like a victim and shifting my standpoint is hard. I need help and I dont know if im gonna get it. So I do everything I can to get better on my own for the time being.

I have often thought I was a narc, until I realized that narcs don't choose to deal with their inner pain. I do still think being brought up by one, some of those traits were installed in me, I was controlling, angry, argumentative, full of self denial, and fear. Only when I began the journey back to my foundation the child, did I begin to shed those horrid traits which were causing me so much pain. Tears, years of crying, not stop, once switched on I couldn't and did not want to turn them off, I knew I needed to let them out. Even though everyone around me kept telling me to stop, to "get over it" "the past is the past" But I did not stop, that would be giving up on myself, the poor child I was who went through the flames who took the first blows of heartbreak. How can we do that? Carry on ignoring the poor innocent child we were? The child entered a game of hide and seek with their mind. The child.soul hid and the body was placed on auto pilot programmed to seek the child, when it's safe. Our Light flows through the heart of the child, we need to reconnect with the child who has the Light of Truth and will guide us to our hearts Door. Knock knock "Who's there?" " it's me" "Me who" "It's me who hid, and its you who, was supposed to turn back and see me" To knock s to ask a question, each question we ask ourselves opens our hearts Door a little more, bringing in more insight Light.

I've often wondered this about myself . How can anyone raised with narcissism on view as a way of being in the world not absorb at least some of this behaviour ? I've been stuck in trauma for decades . I have been self obsessed with trying coddle myself because of the horrific verbal abuse that has always played in my head . This doesn't fix it . To paraphrase a saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt 'you wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do' . Everyone is wrapped up in themselves . Thanks for bringing these topics out in the light .

No matter what trauma I have been involved in and through and will never get out of, I find regulating is the best medicine. I call it simplifying my life and I mean that as far as items are concerned as well as the clutter in my head and the way I react to it. That's a good feeling but I realize that some of it will never goes away

I became paranoid that I became a narcissist, but I knew it was possible to heal and grow the more self-aware I became. I now understand the role I played in my past and how I am subconsciously attracting abusers and staying stuck in the victim mindset even after I leave. And CPTSD describes my mindset perfectly. I can't wait to heal fully, and I've really been putting in the work to get there :)

Grew up youngest in a family of eight in a part of the world which still lives in the eighteen hundreds. Tons of childhood PTSD with a full serving of Multiple Sclerosis. PTSD ensuresI don't do anything except sit in a comfortable chair for hours and replay events in my mind. MS fatigue really really makes sure I don't do anything. The narcissist in me thinks i can do everything. Verbal diarrhoea inherited from elders ensures I never stop talking. Imagine being the person having to live with me lol.

Oh this is exactly what kind of mother I am and drove my daughters away from being in my life and never knew this until my grand son was diagnosed with narcissistic behaviour. Asked my son if I was one too and he replied if I have to ask, and left the question hanging 😢 all you saying is so true about me

STOP! I've just heard the most affirming words. Had to pause to cry. My mother had 3 daughters, I'm the 2nd. 1st daughter was ago-getter highly intelligent, and the 3rd sister was the baby. It was as if I was a nuisance. Let me just say, that I got what the other two sisters did not. I have just started therapy. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you so much, doctor! I'm going to take a break.

I'm so relieved that despite having CPTSD, I share very few of these narcissistic tendencies.

There's a woman with ASPD and NPD who described how narcissists see us. I expected to hear her say evil things, but then she talked about idealizing people and then getting bored of them and I realized...omg that's me! I like videos that are about accountability, not victimhood.

The best Chanel on cptsd !!! Greatings from Serbia 🤗

Spot on. Thank you. Lying and shamelessness/absence of remorse IMHO distinguish narcissism from cptsd. But that's just my observation at the moment. The lines between cptsd, borderline and narcissism can be quite blurry indeed. Part of recovery is being able to move from black and white thinking to a more nuanced understanding of the complex and relative nature of the human psyche. Being able to look in the mirror and see the true ish reflexion is hard but what takes us away from narcissism (deluded/idealised vision of oneself), I think 😊

Finally, My question of Am I a narcicist have some kind of answer. Taking the responsibility of your part is something I always do to a point of blaming my own self for years. Am practicing self discipline daily, Jounalling, meditating and mood-thought shifting every morning I have the power to change myself. If by one year I still this ugly me who keep blaming others, they did cause all this cptsd I have, I should blame my own self for not taking action. Keep nagging on how awful my life is because of others and to ruminate on what happened in the past will not help me to live up to the potency I am created to be. So I need to move fast

Wow! So many people here so gifted w/self reflection, honesty, vulnerability and can feel the desire & willingness to heal on these comments. WAY TO GO EVERYBODY!!!! Xoxo

I’ve been trying to understand how my loved one who clearly has CPTSD can have become what appears to be from his behavior, a passive aggressive vulnerable narcissist. Thank you Anna, for connecting the dots.

This is so helpful, thank you. I've been learning a lot about NPD to try to understand my mother, and my childhood, and of course i find myself questioning my own "narcissistic" traits, whilst also trying not to shame & persecute myself for them and effectively continue the abuse. Your explanations about the sensitivity to criticism, unequal relationships, and the "entitlement" (aka dependency/helplessness/disempowerment) really rang true and answered a lot of questions that i've been having lately. It can be so hard to find the balance and to know where to put the boundaries sometimes, especially when you already have the self-doubt that comes with C-PTSD... I'm also now questioning whether people i've assessed as "narcissistic" are actually just expressing these C-PTSD traits also. I guess i still get to choose whether i want them around me, but it isn't my place to judge them... Thank you so much for your work! 🙏

hope everybody's keeping well.

When I did date a guy I will label as an abusive narcissist I realized that we were more alike than I wanted to admit. The only real common point is we kept wanting the other to change. Instead of accepting the data presented to me, I kept thinking it should be my way. No, I should accept what is offering and sever the relationship in that case.

The title alone is refreshing to me. Narcissist get such a bad rap. My dad was one, and we had a narcissistic spirit that ruled over our family. The truth is we were fearful and all alone. Isolated, even from one another, in a very dark world that left us very hurt and hurtful, not knowing why we had the behaviors we did or even how deep we hurt others. Compassion helps free people from narcissism. For those who care enough to help them break their stuck beliefs and get free, I am so thankful.

What you said early on in the video is something that I’m often amazed that people don’t seem to get: that narcissistic personality disorder is not the same thing as narcissism.

Thank you Anna. This is really helpful clarification. My narcissistic mother accused me behind my back, of doing the very things she did, even though I feel like the opposite of the person she was. And we think we're the only ones with our problems because we don't know of anyone else with them. But it's amazing finding whole communities of people commenting on videos like this who had very similar experiences. "Nothing new under the sun" and our stresses and anguish are "common to man" as the Bible says.

I'd like to find some videos about people with PTSD who lie a lot for a few different reasons that stem from abuse. How they can see the why and realize how to stop and how caregivers or loved ones can deal with it. Most of what I find is about children lying.

This was really helpful, thanks ccf :). Particularly the 'helping' arrogance, guilty, I have strong urges to 'fix' and have definitely used accumulating knowledge as a way of feeling safe and powerful/in control. It's a bit of an entrenched habit working hard to break and step back and wait until I am asked. I suspect also that many of us who have suffered find suffering quite unbearable to witness in others and genuinely want to help ease that, just 'being' there is more than enough isn't it?

This video is such a helpful checklist! 15 years ago I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My girlfriend at the time knew that I was not a narcissist but the diagnosis took a toll. Later, I was diagnosed with CPSD. It's taken a long time to learn to recover and stop those tendencies that mirrored narcissism and all the rest. I love your videos and this one in particular. Sometimes it feels so cozy to feel the victim and the most wonderful person in the world. lol. That's why I need this video and other resources.

I noticed that there is a transcript available, brilliant! Long story short, PTSD has been with me all my life(undiagnosed), until my dad died; then it turned my life upside down and inside out. I found the pieces to the puzzle, first being unable to read and retain or listening and comprehending. More puzzle pieces with the conclusion of CdPTSD. I so appreciate this topic is being talked about, early on for me was basically no hope for better. I live to tell, with work it does get better, certainly difficult days overall growth and hope.

Regardless whether unhealthy and toxic behavior is from cptsd or narcissism, it isn't something one can accept in a relationship. And in either case, healing needs to be led by the person with the behaviour. It is heartbreaking for those who have to walk away when we love them because they are too toxic.

"All discomfort and shame is no longer caused by other people or the past" That is powerful.

We look narcissistic mostly to the eyes of the people who were victims of people who were themselves traumatized and coped in ways that are very similar to our own. That's "the course" of ptsd, we get matched up with people as traumatized as we are but we mostly don't get each other because we see in each other the same behaviors that contributed to our personal wounds.

It was a relief to see this. My understanding of a loved one's personality, tendencies and reactions just came full circle for me.

I spent at least 10 years healing from childhood trauma. I was the happiest I had been EVER. It was not from anything outside of myself.(proud of). Then... My jaw was destroyed at a prominent dental school. So... Having to start over. Retraumatized. Thank you.

Oh big win here.. i struggled to understand the my current breakup with a man I’ve been with for 10 years. The narcassist wants people to look up to them. Ding ding! I cried for years why he did not just want to go with me places or just show up. He was very aloof and gave me breadcrumbs. Alas but his mother who I believe to be a narcissists based on her fake persona, stirring the pot and backhanded comments was the one person he ran to when she called. He would literally take off and leave me at his house. He looks up to them and they all admire him except his persona his vastly different around them as opposed to me. Very much charming. We get the grumpy depressed guy. He was hard on all of us. He would actually go to the tras can every morning to critique if there was anything my grandkids dumped in there that he deemed unacceptable. Then bellow who put this in there. Or go to the bathroom to see of they left anything out that he could bark about. struggled the last few years to understand what was happening with him and why. And it turns out he came from a family of what looks like narcissistic people. His daughter is 40 with a family became so jealous she squawked and shamed him for spending time with me. He bowed to her and refused to tell her to stop. Fast forward 10 years later and now I understand what is going on. I was silenced while they people pleased and she lied to get everyone on her side. I finally one day said enough and in my house she was disrespectful and played her victim game. It was called out later and shit hit the fan… i became the enemy and honestly I think he enjoyed the jealousy between the two of us that occurred because he refused to say a word. I think i could write a whole book on this experience from childhood to current. I have been with two narcissistic personalities. The biggest theng i am ashamed about is my reactive abuse that occured because of what he would say. There was violence in the household with him always coming out smelling like a rose. See you need help he would say after flinging me across the room or his words were gutting. He admits to this day he did nothing.

All very true. The point about the trauma having taken away our skills, hopes, etc, etc, is so huge, esp when life goes so wrong, or some things happen that are so dreadful, taken out of our control for the main part, that would never have been something chosen, and now has to be lived with. Anger toward self for not doing more at the time to self protect, and having taken full responsibility and the continued attacks from those closest, the desperation to survive every day, eventually leading to the recognition that there was targetting by certain others who want the child born out of chaos to pay for their lives changing. I always understood that. They certainly let me know it, but all their previous chaos was piled onto me, and they wanted payback, over and over again. There is targetting in some situations. Until this is come to terms with, a person may get mixed up about themselves, maybe trying too hard to be accepted. Truth may hurt more, but it's always best. There is grieving for the child you knew, who would not have chosen that path, not at all, but has to live with the results. Being cheery is the coping mechanism that hides a multitude of sins. Sometimes, or often, there isn't anywhere to find the support needed, so self help can take a long time to learn so much.

Thank you! This video really addressed my long time confusion 'cause I constantly have doubts about whether or not I'm a self-absorbed narcissist and feel guilty about ignoring people around me ('cause my major energy goes towards fighting my symptoms...).

This was a very helpful vid, the comments about Arrogance resonate loudly. Regarding sweeping accusations, prior to my recovery program I used to hate Christmas music because it was too saccharine filled. To me, it was disingenuously sweet. The problem wasn't Christmas music, it was me. At the time I was struggling with my addiction. I kept my addictive behavior hidden from others. I was disingenuous, I was full of lies. I was projecting my disingenuous self onto the world around me (a narcissistic thing to do). After roughly 3 years into recovery, Christmas music stopped grating, I could hear it in the background without feeling angry or upset. It was an amazing symptom of my healing journey.

10:21 "All discomfort and shame that you feel is no longer caused by other people or the past." - LOVE THIS. I am such a victim, so much so I can't even take myself at times - glad I found you because I really want to put this aside. I signed up for the test and am checking out your course work.

Sadly, my gifts were thwarted by trauma.

1:54 1) We focus on how we feel all the time so can often overlook how others feel because of the level of overwhelm being triggered in us. 2:20 2) Focus too much on what others think about us. Fear, anxiety, being triggered etc 3:58 3) A belief that our problems are so unique that we think others will never truly understand. Obviously we don't want to talk about the details because it's a bummer and brings the vibe down not only that trust is an issue and it brings up feelings of guilt, shame or other painful memories. Or we'll say things like "you'll probably never understand." 5:20 4) Strong victim identity 9:40 All discomfort and shame is no longer caused by other people of the past. Even if you're still around other narcissitic and toxic people you can learn to not be a victim anymore by learning about manipulation, assertiveness and boundaries and start empowering yourself. 5) Drawn to troubled people who are less functional and who see us as more superior. Developing equal relationships is the answer to this one 18:59 6) Big sweeping accusations. 20:29 ( guilty of this! 🤣) 7) Sense of entitlement. Believe others should take care and be obligated to us and we don't have to be obligated to them. We can rise up and bring goodness into the world by taking steps to become a person who can give back to society as we are able to heal our lives and put ourselves in a position where we can give back. 22:00

Someone accusing me of being a covert narcissist is how I got insight into myself. Turns out it was cptsd

My best friend once said something that soothed my mind in this regard, I was young and really not okay with myself and feared to turn out like my mother. "Just because you have narcissistic traits, it doesn't make you a narcissist. You took what makes you thrive and survive, don't blame yourself."

This is fabulously helpful in understanding a person in my life that experienced trauma as a child and behaves in ways that could easily be interpreted as narcissistic. Thank you!

I'm so happy you did a video on this! I have been trying to figure this out for so long. Your videos really resonate. CPTSD looks almost exactly like borderline traits and this really isn't talked about enough.

I have CPTSD from narcissistic abuse and I’m often asking my therapist if I’m the narcissist. Now I know why. This is so informative.

I've been crying listening to this. I've watched a lot of Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism and thought, like, OMIGOD, I'm such a narcissist, I'm so reactive, so disregulated emotionally, etc. Not wanting to disparage Dr. Ramani here, but this video is confirming for me; it's CPTSD from a whole panoply of harmful childhood experiences that's making me act out sometimes in ways that seem narcissistic. I still am not healed yet, but I'm making progress. At least I rarely take it out on someone else. I yell at my computer; I don't yell at my coworkers or at my friends (the few I have). Not often, anyway.

I do think victims are "nicer" than the average person because they have few boundaries and get exploited much more easily. We attract people with problems, exactly because we don't think we have agency. I never heard of telling people about lifestyle changes being controlling and critical but now I can see how that can be so. Good point about just being an example.

I know someone who experienced narcissistic abuse from his parents, but then in our relationship adopted the behaviour, phrases and expressions that he knew my narcissistic mother had used towards me. An interesting phenomenon.

Wow you had me in the first 30 seconds... and the worst part is having what looked from the outside like a "normal" childhood, and not even knowing it oneself until (in my case) you've been through more trauma ringers. Just brutal and so unseen.

I had an unpleasant situation last week, when i was mentioned in the context of narcissism. 4 years ago i believed i am not pretty but also not ugly, somewhere in the middle and probably slightly more towards ugly. Every comment i got for my appearance was negative and i thought why are people so cruel and point it out, that I'm not pretty? They are right but they don't need to say that. I learned in therapy, that i am actually pretty... Now i can say with confidence i think i do look pretty. Last week i had a photoshoot and the pictures where professionally taken with good lighting and make-up. The photos came out amazing! I praised the photographer for that work of Art. One picture was kinda hypnotic and i asked if it's possible to have a crush on myself. The answer was: yeah, it's called narcissism. I think it was a joke, but that one hurt me.

I needed this video. I’ve broken a relationship with my behaviours. This one really meant something to me, she’s so traumatised by me. I feel so much shame and guilt. And I miss her terribly.

It is strange to me how many doctors are not life coaches.

Attacked, losses, dumped. My attacker died, so I can go outside now. I left the town I went to high school in too, I was a foster though, and my foster father was A pervy stalker. My teacher rescued me and took me in, thirty years later she says it was the scariest day in her life. It was for me too. My recent attacker was someone who wanted to date, but I was not interested. He tried to kill my dog guide dog because my dog warned me of his presence. Had to retire my dog, his ptsd is better two years later.

I really enjoyed this video I have been studying on Narcissistic Abuse, and realize I have had Narcissistic Abuse as a child but often I find myself in dialogue with my hubby where its me me me, so this clarifies much I also find I often think many people are narcissistic and there is no safe place basically it is a very unsafe place so this just clarifies things for me,........... I realize whilst there may be many narcissists out there and and there are ways that I am behaving that are not contributing to my own healing and are not giving a good self reflection of whom I actually am. so thank you. the thing is life is 3 dimensional and in our own healing its easy to move away from this mind set and become alienated.

Odd that you put this out today, just at the right time to. I been isolating for over a year and been forced due to just needing to talk to someone. Thank you your timing is perfect 😊 thank you

I so needed to hear this! I have been in my codependency healing process for almost five years. Recently I have started thinking that I may have become somewhat obnoxious. I have been trying to establish my boundaries and speak my truth, but now my family doesn’t speak to me and friends are dropping like flies. I feel like I’m in a catch 22 of being myself but offending everyone in the process. I have been in two narcissistic marriages, but am wondering if it’s my own damn fault because I have learned too much and I’m seriously exhausted from studying and dealing with my CPTSD!

This makes so much sense - and it validates my suspicion that deep wounds and abuse can make an empath into a narcissist.